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This will be a totally new year.... [30 Oct 2009|07:05pm] [ music | Commander Venus- My Collapsing Frame. ] So, wow... ALOT of things have changed, and well i never update this thing any more, and i always say that i will so this time i am not going to lie, i probably wont update often or at all but i do need to start getting my thoughts out somewhere. So for today...There right here, other days, I am not promising anything. Well, 2009, you have fucked me royally, this is not my year at all and, while I sometimes think stuff is turning around and starting to look good, another big thing changes in my life and I am back where I was in highschool. The year started off pretty good and promising i suppose, then again its all a haze, My dad passed away January 22nd, so since then everything has been so incredably different, i got through the semester, which amazes me....it really really does. This summer was generally good I guess. I enjoyed it, I got to see Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band twice, once was with Wilco, let me tell you AMAZING. fucking AMAZING. But other than that even though It was a relaxing summer, it ended as all things do. Ben and I broke up, and looking back at some of my previous entries kind of makes me sad, but then again that seams to be a constant now. I am trudging through, toughing up, making some new friends, and strengthening some old friends that i never had the chance to before. I love my new friends there the best. I still love my old friends, but Wil is moving, Ben is not mine (although we remain contact...) and Meg seams to be better friends with ben than me sometimes, we'll see what happens when break rolls around... Bill and suzzles are away in their own little down south worlds, and i miss them both. whether I go "home" for break is another thing i have to decide, i might stick around campus and be a building manager or something. I was supposed to go to a party tonight, but I think I am going to just stay on campus and lay low...I'm not in the mood for a party. Halloween is approaching, My favorite holiday....at least it was, maybe it will be again, but this year even though i like the prospect of dressing up and having fun i am just not feeling it, the air is cold and i love it, the leaves are beautiful and its amazing ,but the haunting empty feeling of fall lingers and fills me with loneliness instead of immense love like it used to. normally this time of year i would be crapping myself with excitement that i get to dress up tomorrow and pretend to not be myself, instead i don't want to do anything, just...be, and while i have been visiting people and trying to do things to keep myself busy i cant stop myself from feeling this way. i pretty much ran out of a meeting the other day because i was going to cry and didnt want to be in there any more so i am sure that this lady thinks i am a weird. I just cant bring myself to let anybody see me cry, not any more. post comment

[30 Jul 2008|12:26pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | commander venus - jeans T.V ] Comfort is as unlikely as escape and love is always so conditional I'm tired of tense and frightened looks Staring out these tired, anxious eyes Looking for constant approval I'm so desirable- nothing matters, I have to move on I have to move on I guess it is pretty self-destructive to rain on what you create What if I said it was more productive, would you make a fool out of me? things are ok, not too much going on summer is coming to an enevitable end and school will begin again soon. yay to the excitement. i might be an RA im waiting for a call about that. post comment

[25 Jul 2008|06:25pm] post comment

[04 May 2008|02:30pm] I was living in a devil town Didn't know it was a devil town Oh Lord, it really brings me down About the devil town And all my friends were vampires Didn't know they were vampires Turns out I was a vampire myself In the devil town I was living in a devil town Didn't know it was a devil town Oh Lord, it really brings me down About the devil town post comment

[25 Mar 2008|12:17am] [ mood | amused ] spring break is over, it was succesfull i have to say. didnt do much, hung out with benji alot, whether he wanted to or not i guess.... classes started today, fun fun fun! i cant wait for this semester to be over. then again i can wait for it to be over. ive got alot of thinking to do i suppose... thinking of whether i want to keep things the way they are or try and move on i guess. i dont really want to i like how they are now, except for short periods of time that are kind of upsetting to me. but its nothing that i can controll. i just really need to reevaluate my needs. maybe realize a want is not a need. cant i just have what i want without all the bullshit that comes with it? it used to be that simple. post comment

[12 Mar 2008|01:02am] i have to re think the way i go around things i guess... re think who i confide in or go back to not confiding in anyone at all. it was better that way. i was happier then, atleast it appeared that way. it will again. i just have to get used to it. survival of the fittest as they say. post comment

[06 Mar 2008|01:13am] i just dont know any more, i just i dont know. ive got some thinking to do, some re arranging in my mind. i suppose. why is it that i always have to do this when i dont have enough time in the day post comment

[13 Feb 2008|07:21pm] [ mood | surreal ] once there was a time when the words I said meant something. that time has come and passed , and everything feels hollow perhaps I should move on... perhaps it can be fixed.. the apple of your eye is now rotten fruit. look what you have done. 1 comment|post comment

[18 Dec 2007|11:53pm] well i was excited for something....but that changed. post comment

and are you thinking of me or do you want to be free just tell me and i will let you go theres too much time, wasting my time [16 Dec 2007|01:52pm] [ mood | ugly ] [ music | mest - long days long nights. ] and it seems were miles away when will i see you again anways so finals are this week, well my one final is tomroow and i am totally in no way ready for it by any means, i am scared. anways. if its cancled i am going to be hella pissed, unless the teacher lets me take it on wednesday instead of saturday. i am excited to go home, but not excited all at once. i dont want to be home but i want to make some monies, go to blueman and not have to worry about school for a while, i am kinda so over it allready. ive been listening to mest alot recently i dont know why, i guess i missed them. odd. soooo i miss my kayteeee, but hopefully i will see her sometime douring this break, she comes back the seccond and i want to have an adventurreee. to go see her, because shes awesome. we should be seeing sara and mia after blueman which i am excited about becuase i love sara and mia,and their cutie puppies. sooo exciting! uh, ben and i are going to neverland on new years eve, i am so fucking excited for that. candyball has introduced me to the wonderful world of NYcity partys. and let me tell you they fucking beat any of the CT partys since the muni closed. hands down. fucking amazing. un describable. yes in deed. uh. with that said, i think i am done, i should go study now, BAH post comment

[16 Oct 2007|01:40am] [ mood | giving up. ] [ music | queen, i want to break free ] sometimes you have a good day. and then you talk to somebody on the phone, and that good day, just all comes crashing down. i just want something so bad but i dont know what. i want to go home,but its not my home. i want something tangible. post comment

[11 Oct 2007|08:25pm] at westconn... my roomates are amazing. excpet for mishi, she sucks but thats avoidible. because shes never around. i hate chem. i hate chem i HATE chem and i am fucking screwd because i am in chem 100 and nowhere around home offers chem 120 as a winterterm class..... so that means that i have to not apply to the nursing program next semester. and wait till next next semester to apply. my 4 years of college. have now turned in to almost 6? unless i change my major. does anybody know what an anthropology major can do for you when you graduate? becasue i like the concept of anthropology. see i am complaning that i will be in here longer.... but i dont want to leave... i supose pulling a van wilder would be fun for a while... heh. theres nothing i can do otherwhise. i want to do s omething....aside from chem post comment

[20 May 2007|03:52pm] i love ben, i love the world, i love green trees and blue skys. i hate graduations. i miss nate, both nates, uh.... semesters out, who wants to give me a ajob?! post comment

[25 Apr 2007|09:04pm] i dont know what do to any more. i am so confused i dont think i can do it any more. i cant put up with this.... somethings got to go post comment

[05 Apr 2007|10:02pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | sublime ] when was the last time I updated? a while ago, well, there's a new one, probably wont interest many, just the few that are interested in what I am up to, ha ha so lets see, I got in to western, they stole all my monies so I am broke, not technically but mentally. I am going to miss Ben next year, but I wont miss uheart, and I am starting to think about things a little more negatively and those thoughts bring me to tears, lots of self searching I guess.... I have a doctors appt tomorrow because these allergies are driving me nuts, and I cant take them any more. its affecting my eyes, I have to stop eating sugar I think because it keeps making me feel like shift. but who knows, maybe something has been bothering me a lot and that's what upsetting my tummy, all I know is I've been dreading waking up recently. I guess there's a lot on my plate. I am excited for next year though so much. I need some change, I think I'm crawling out of my skin but I have no time to do anything exciting. I'm getting kinda chubby, Ben says its cute, I think he lye's. I spend all my time in math lab on stupid learning logic bullshit program, and I don't have time for going to the gym or anything, Alex quit, I kinda want to as well, tinas pushing me to stay in it, and I like Tina, so I think I will . I've been talking to flubs a lot recently, he makes me smile and sends me lots of pictures its nice well, I am out, maybe ill update more. post comment

im getting tired of holding this pose, i fell more like a stranger each time i come home [26 Sep 2006|07:20pm] [ mood | annoyed ] so im fuckin sick of this, ive put up with it, ive said things to other people but seriously, they have no idea how ridiculous it has gotten, I think its bull shit that my roommate thinks its perfectly acceptable to go to sleep when ever I come back. I think its FUCKING RIDICULOUS that she got upset when I put a sign on the door that said please be quiet after 12 when you enter the room and don’t turn on the fluorescent lights, I should have to remind somebody that there is another person in the fucking room and that they MIGHT be sleeping and that its RUDE to turn on the lights and be as loud as possible. Then asking the next morning if they bothered me, and apologizing does not make a difference. I think it is ridiculous that she thinks she cans STAY ALL DAY IN THE ROOM, sitting on her bed, doing nothing. I think it is fucking preposterous that I am considered wrong for being annoyed by these things. You know what im most sick of...the other side of the room looking like shit, being UN organized with books and papers in a pile that is falling over on the floor. That she dose a project cutting up styraphone board THE DAY AFTER I FUCKING VACUMED. In addition, to make it worse, the day I vacuumed leaving her open pencil sharpener on the floor. Then when she walks in, looks at it just kind of stairs at it, and dose nothing. I don’t fucking think I deserve this. It is ridiculous. I want a new roommate. I want to be able to sit in my room and fucking calm down when im pisse.d I want some time to think my day over without having to hear her stupid sniffling. Or eating... I want to just know that I can do something and not be disturbed every two minutes. I cannot work with somebody sitting in the room. Why can’t my roommate be normal and go out sometime...do things. NOT SIT IN HER BED ALL DAY 1 comment|post comment

[08 Apr 2006|04:38pm] [ mood | sick ] gah not much up i never update any more. anways ive been feeling sick laitly stomach flu ish. so pepto bismol is my new best friend aswell as ben because he takes care of me im escared hes going to get sick, anyways. i love fran i got in to a esquela, its kinda taking me off my original track but its so i can get back on track later so im not sweating it, i hve to write bill gates and ask him for money so he will pay for it. post comment

[11 Dec 2005|12:10pm] I'm completely and udderly confused with everything... its driving me crazy and i believe its making it harder to breath gah post comment

bob Dylan 49th beard [29 Nov 2005|08:09pm] You'll be happier when I'm gone I'm much too busy to worry I'll be sad and you'll feel bad But I know you won't be sorry And as I turn to go Please don't wave goodbye I refuse to cry On roads that are paved With men who behave Like they know where they're goin' And I'll stop along the way And it's then I'll think of you And I'll wonder if you knew When I got blue And things got weird And I started growing Bob Dylan's beard 1 comment|post comment

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell.... [27 Nov 2005|09:26pm] [ mood | sad ] so today totally sucked it was my birthday I'm tired and sickish i think... and i had to put my kitty down, my pretty baby kitty who is just really awesome but benji was there and he kept me company and made me feel a lot better, i put too much stress upon this boy recently with me just being all frustrated, depressed and bitchy it must be driving him crazy seriously my aunt was friendly and made babykitties injured times not pain full for him and i appreciate that a lot i love her. my mom got me a really trippy tinker bell lamp...i spent five minutes stairing at it. and i bought joshies "scene box" from him because my cd player is dying and that's not good... uhh my birthday was decent aside from that. although i liked my pseudo birthday better. i got a ps2, so now i can play the Sims heh that about it I'm out i love Fran AND I LOve Ben. because i stress him out and he's pretty and makes me happyes... i love Jesse and Jerry aswel i hope i don't have the Jerry strand post comment

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