luke's Blurty
 
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in luke's Blurty:

    Saturday, June 11th, 2005
    6:32 pm
    Some days you just want to pee on the world
    I cooked dinner tonight though only one thing was missing. Gas.

    Monday I'm going to try for my licence, Thursday I'm booked into the tattoo studio for a consultation.

    So far today she hasn't called, that's all I want to say I'm not getting my hopes up.

    I'm going to try to loose more weight so when I join boxing I will be in the lightest division. All today I felt sharper-quicker or something, I don't wonder why I know why. Herbs are used for cooking.
    Friday, June 10th, 2005
    11:47 pm
    Nicotine Vallium Viccodin Marijuana Ecstacy and Alcohol
    /Can we talk?
    \Yea..
    /You know I'm leaving today, but, I mightn't come back.
    \Yea, I guessed that much.

    {This is your life dude, you knew that was going to happen, four days spent as close to heaven as I'll ever get and now a life of?}

    I will never drink or smoke again, regardless.

    Need I say more. As time goes on things get worse? Polly didn't make anything easy on her, how to finish that sentence. I held it together quite well at the start when it seemed that I'd never see her again, even though thats not what I want to happen. When I started talking when we came inside I lost it, guys' dont cry right...right. Too much too early...much to early. If I had the chance I would have met her a different way and taken it slow, I think that is how she would want it and shes amazing and I do want to make her happy. If her being happy is never seeing me again then so be it, I can deal with that if her mind is at ease, I can wake up and look at myself in the mirror everyday and think what a fucking idiot I am. Towards the end of her time here today she led me to beleive theres hope for a looser like me, Do girls just do that so guys feel better/dumb/proud or something else. She misses me because she left...Although she needs closure or whatever you'd like to call it on everything else thats happened before this. How did he do that to something so beautiful? Consellation prize... I can say that I could'ave done the same BUT I didn't .....and that makes me the betterman.

    Honestly how could she say I deserve better, I deserve nothing.

    To end this

    In the most desolate places on earth the stars can be seen best. In life it is much the same. When your life changes to some other darker or lower point sparks of hope and ambition can be seen so much clearer as long as your eyes are open.
    Here I am, at the lowest point of my life yet. Self indulgence, fear and anger have taken their turn and I lay subdued at the bottom of the pit I dug for myself. Though I am subdued I am not worn out, I feel content in the fact that I have learnt to appreciate what I have. For in this pit I see the stars a little more clearly than before. I feel that when I find my way out that I may actually be a little closer to my dreams for the are all I see here at the bottom.
    Every possession and comfort that has abandoned me does not make me feel loss as I have not yet lost my soul. I see a change for the better this time around.

    Current Music: Feelgood hit of the summer - QOTSA
    Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
    12:09 am
    What a day-night
    Nothing like I had planned, at first I thought Polly hated the world and wanted to kill me. Then when we went for a walk downstairs I thought I'd get my arse kicked. Luckily we just talked and basically all that will happen is that if she chooses me then he won't talk to us both for awhile but that would just be normal. I understand where he is coming from, who cares if you don't.

    To make things worse she kissed me, well I kissed her. When I got the hint that she wanted me to kiss her right there and then I didn't, just cause its something I do. So after an hour of side-stepping it all by playing with her feet, they are sensitive, soooo sensitive....I kissed her. DAMN. I can't put it into words.

    Why was it like this, why does it have to make Polly feel weird. I won't say for certain its the best thing thats happened to me but its up there high, I fu**ing hate what its doing to Polly though. Taking everything into account I'm sure everythings going to be fine in a few months, even thought we still might feel weird around him. I know I could never do more than hold her hand in front of him just out of respect.

    On another note 3 guys getting high on spraypaint looked at me and Alloura funny so I death stared one of them and he said 'his woman was better than mine' so I blew him a big kiss. I knew what they wanted so when we rounded the corner I told her to jump the fence and hide and I was jumping the fence to get my come-fuck-me-stick when she runs off into the parking lot adjacent us. I had no idea she knew the people in the parking lot of the pizza shop but at least we stood there and watched the 3 guys throw their weapons away and walk off.

    That will do for now. I am happy.
    Monday, May 30th, 2005
    3:25 pm
    What the...
    I was late, fashionably, as always. She came out and we talked for about an hour, she asked if I wanted breakfast and I declined as thats the reason for my lateness. We went up to the caltex it was packed with a bunch of school children I called 'faggetts' as we left for the next place, the BP. She got breakfast and we checked out some stuff for my car and we had another talk on the way back to the house.

    Polly got up and we actually didn't have any talk at all about what I thought we would, it was as if nothing happened. There was 15 minutes till he went to work and the old boy came and I had to leave, If I just could have stayed till just after he left.

    1 Him, thats going to be ackward.
    2 Me, have to know he is out of the picture.....in that way but still friends.
    3 Niether, do you understand that one.

    The girl that made me stop before we started, yeah that's it. I thought about it sober, then thought about it bent and still I want her as bad as before on any conditions - almost.

    She saw me at my stupidest and I saw her at her bictchiest and we liked it, Althought today she said we are so alike that we probably both like to fight.....I don't so I told her that I will play along some times or some thing like that.

    She called and my plans are to go and see her right now.
    Sunday, May 29th, 2005
    9:14 pm
    wish me luck
    11 hours roughly till I go and meet them both, see what happens hey. Worst case scenario I do get the utter shit beaten out of me (I actually have a registered passport to fight around the world, I won't fight him still) and Adrian understands afterwards. I would prefer if we all just sat down like civilised human beings and talked it all out, to put it bluntly I won't light a smoke while re-fueling.

    I have to get there before Adrian wakes up thats the only condition. Sounds sneaky. I will say that there was never even a hint before that night before Origin. We talked a helluva lot and that led to one thing which led to another and now she has acted instead of talked.

    heres the shorthand......somewhat shorter
    One of my best friends just got dropped because his girl wants to go out with me, its not springer shit or any highschool fucking shit ok, shes deadly serious with me. I used to say 'I don't spend much time here I like to get off very often' and even when we are smashed together she still brings me back to the ground then manages to send me somewhere else. She knows what I'm really like because of when they were going out, I'm crazier around my friends and she was just a friend then so she saw me do many things I wouldn't have done infront of a girl I wanted to have a chance with.

    short version ended, kinda short still

    Some junkie scum that happens to be a friends mother called this girl a slut today while I was absent, I don't think this blokes going to call me a friend after I tell his mother what I think of her and her opinions and the place they can both reside from this point on.

    Now you all know too much, I would kill you because of what you know, but I am going to bed.
    3:28 pm
    .....no calls, msgs, emails or any form of communication with her today, let her figure it out.

    Usually I'd be drinking by now or something, I have a cool ridge bottle of water beside me so maybe thats my drink of choice. Maybe thats why it was almost 12 by the time I got out of bed, if I slept the whole day I am seeing her tomorrow or the next so it would just be easier on me.

    Funny its only taken me seven hours or so to get this far, and I have (now, had) the window open to send her a message. Just take another sip of water and wait for dinner. Everyones coming online now althought theres only one person I want to talk to now.
    10:22 am
    Mustn't be on Earth anymore, words mean something here
    A sorry you heard all that.
    B nah its best i was here for it.
    A so are you pissed at me?
    B no, i just dont know what to think of this...
    A what do you mean?
    B ...how can i come between that, he meant it...
    A everytime, and it hurts even more everytime...
    B oh ok.
    A ive just lost you haven't i?
    B no, not at all.


    When she said 'I've lost you, haven't I?' she almost had, those words brought me back to the ground and where the conversation went after that will just stay quiet. All there is to say is that the people involved understand and in no way was I a factor in the break up of that. Described as the ' straw that broke the camels back' its not easy for me to do anything, and even when my best friend started thinking things and sprouting off things before we even started talking about us it gets me pissed off because they all jumped to the right conclusion.

    I'm thankful that it wasn't blown out of proportion, we have only talked, talking will be a big part in things now. At least no one thought we were just fooling round behind peoples backs and taking our seclusion for granted, everyone knew we were going to hook up cept me. I just thought we were being friendly cause yeah well you know, but when I found out that you were single and you didn't run and tell me yourself I figured out that this couldn't be a scholgirl crush or an attempt to hurt someones feelings because its real.
    Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
    9:33 am
    stupid white man, party of one
    Again I happen to be calling in sick to work, I dont feel like coughing all over customers today and I'm sure they appreciate my thoughts.

    You just would think I am crazy if I told you what song was playing on the radio when I jumped in the car with dad this morning, dad teased me for ten minutes or so, its not good but it is going to happen. You don't have a clue what I am talking about but its alot better that way.

    Pay-day and ORIGIN night, origin one, GO QLD.

    Can anyone tell me why a heap of South Africans want to buy my playstation 2.

    Got one of those phone surveys last night at a mates house, she asked me what we need to do with the live music situation in this town. I told her that we need more people to come and listen to the bands because if we had that 5 years ago then Nadir and Brett would be famous already, there are 2 things to do in this town and they are stay inside and keep to yourself or venture outside and be part of the crime.

    This town has the highest suicide rate in australia and also the highest crime rate, doesn't help that the natives come in from their holes and try to destroy the town by night while they sniff solvents.

    Staying inside and playing music keeps alot of people in this town out of trouble, unfortunatly trouble comes looking for you because of your skin color or hair color or shirt color so the lesson to be learnt from all of yesterdays experiences is 'do unto others before they do to you' even though it goes against everything I stood for before 2 weeks ago.

    Mental anguish is one of the joys of being alive. fuck it.

    Current Music: some qotsa or kyuss album
    Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
    9:48 am
    Everyone around me is sick, my mouth is dry my nose runs my head feels heavy and my eyes itch. Other than that lifes the same for me, if same means theres not one minute of peace because my head wants to self destruct. I havent taken anything for it yet but after lunch I will take the medicine that makes you forget, only cause it works fast.

    The fact that an ex of mine has a journal thats been going for ten months or so detailing our relationship doesnt make me happy, but we have been apart for 9 months or more now so it does make me realise that my life isn't so pathetic after all. In her journal its all quite explicit, the exact opposite of her. And she hasn't said shit to me in almost a year but can feel free to exploit me and do what she pleases. I don't care, because, the only people who read her journal are the creepy guys that stalk her at uni.

    In other news, my best mate stole a blokes girlfriend and now shes telling my mate she has to go back to her ex's house for a week long sleep-over. As I told him, 'thats how you got her so whats to say its not the way the next guy will' and its true. Beyond me why you would date someone who chooses to do drugs and cannot control themselves on them. Im not leaning towards either side of the drug debate, but IF you do any at all then make sure you are educated about what your getting yourself into so that you don't make a fool of yourself and everyone around you.

    I'll save you a story and skip to the moral behind it, don't screw with your friends girlfriends, sluts come and go but friends are forever. All I know is this will test me to my limits. With my cold now it would be easy to say/assume that something did happen but think, 4 days around the same 2 people living in the same close quarters and your bound to catch the same shit as them.

    I work the rest of the week now, pity me.
    Monday, May 23rd, 2005
    1:35 pm
    Its not like you killed someone, at least....
    Someone said some words to me not so long ago which made me take up a blurty again, it has been awhile since my last post and that was under a different alias. Its not important what those words are but theyre meaning seems to have struck a nerve somewhere and from that moment nothings been right. Everythings fine but that feeling you get when you know somethings sneaking up on you from the shadows and its going to mess everything up real good. You don't want this to happen but you know it is going to and you cannot stop it no matter what, the only thing to do is gloss over the problem and act oblivious till it comes.

    What if things went back to how they used to be? I'd like to meet someone who wouldn't change anything about themselves or their past, just to tell them they are lying.

    Don't learn from others mistakes, learn from your own or face the same demon.

    Current Mood: sick
    Current Music: System live from Holland
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