I guess i was the last of the pack to see Empire Records! what a cool movie! Well, the concept has been done, of course but it was fun and happy. And liv tyler is hot. Umm..it reminded me of High Fidelity, but not so much. I liked High Fidelity better. John Cusak is sexy sexy...Right so i thought a lot about...people today. You know who. yes. I don't want to overanalize it too much right now, but there's not much else i can do. I mean, sitting here, for a week not talking to her, leaves me with little choice but to ponder and shit. I know what's best for me. damn, i've been listening to too much Fiona!! hehe. Anyways, i don't even want to write it down, but here it is...this is whats best for me: a stable person. yeah, someone who doesn't have emotional highs and lows. Not so much at least. And i know, i'm a pretty unstable person. which is why i can't be in a relationship with someone who is not going to be strong for me. i need a strong stable person. I hesitate to say this..but...a man? i mean, i know women can be stable! duh! but i feel like i need a really strong man to hold..oh fuck that. omg, i'm not even going to erase that. thats stupid. okay what i need is far different than what i'm going to get. does that mean i'm settling? But if what i want will never be...should i hold everyone up to the same idealistic standards? okay i just structured that sentance so i could use the word idealistic. hmmm. what on earth was i talking about? Right. So, I don't want to end up....taking care of anyone. wow, that sounded completely cruel. i know Kim can take care of herself...ha, i'm evil.
well here's the other side: I WANT someone unstable. how's that for contradiction. here's why: I'm the kind of person who wants to feel everything, every emotion, all out. So emotional instablity is a part of who i am. If i'm sad, i won't try to make myself happy. I want to feel everything that sadness is. everything it embodies. Morbid, i guess, a bit. But Devin will understand. Ug, devin is the only one who understands...well, me. haha. its like the fountainhead. It's like she understands my motives better than i do, and sometimes, it does bug me..i want to know myself best dammit!
But anyways, i'm a very unstable person and i like it that way. but that doesn't mean that i want someone else who's unstable too. geez. that makes sense...Right. So Thats what i've been thinking about Kim. and i guess, i was just thinking about what happened with Kim and MLE. i don't really know. but heres my...theory: did they actually have a relationship? or was it like ryan says "using each other to make out" because if they just used each other i am going to talk to Kim about this. well im gonna talk to her anyways. but i refuse to be another MLE. that is one thing i refuse to let happen. i mean, i don't wanna be a toy. I am looking for something serious. or at least...something.
There are some scenarios here: I end up attatched. She ends up attatched. We both end up attatched. Neither of us become attatched. now my hope is for either 3 or 4. but knowing me..its gonna be 1. and thats gonna suck. because that's how it was with Carmen. haha. it seems so weird and perfect somehow. What? Kim starts to like me when i magically get over Carmen, all of a sudden, one day? that's totally weird.
U know? i think i've written enough. and i'm done thinking about Kim until she comes back and i get to talk to her.
BTW: Lets just review the Kyle File here(for those who are uninformed): I made a promise to Kyle that i wouldn't drink*until im 21* and i wouldn't smoke weed. neither of which seem like that big of deal, after all im not an alcoholic or a pothead, but just the temptation thats there. I have the cliche of Angel on one shoulder and Devin(i mean Devil hehe) on the other. Devil: he will never in no way find out if you drink tonight. in fact, he will never know, unless you tell him, or someone who talks to him. There's NO risk. at all. Angel: of course not, but you have one thing and that is your dignity/honesty if you break that...who knows what you have left. I told Kyle he was worth it. And I believe that he is. There is no way i am going to jeapordize our relationship in any way. But........what is one little bity drink going to hurt anyone??????? (Im still thinking)
Heart,
Mariel
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creative.
complacent.