| You don't have the slightest clue as to what you do to me, do you? |
[05 Nov 2006|03:53am] |
You make me shake, inside and out. Uncontrollably. Anytime I think about going to see you, our rendezvous. You've got me sneaking around and bending over backwards. I was never this person, never thought I'd be like this. It's anti what I thought I'd become. It's all your fault.. and you're oblivious.
On the drive over to see you, at 3:14 this morning I couldnt even keep a steady foot on the pedle. Could you not pick up the shaking in my voice when you called and we talked for an hour while I debated on whether I could really risk slipping out the back door & out of town, without being caught? I wouldn't have done that for anyone, not even my closest friends, but you.
I break my neck looking for you, and I catch myself day dreaming of what we could be if only you'd let me make you happy. You acknowledging me, even if its negatively, still makes me smile from ear to ear. I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about it, because I know what I am, I know how it is. You've got me tangled up, you know that right? I can't move on and proceed with my romantic happiness because every time I think you're done with me, and I think I'm long overdue to move on.. you call. I answer, I call back, I always do. I ALWAYS DO. "Well if you don't want to come see me, I mean I get it..it's your call." But you know damn well what I want, and that you've got me right where you want me.
I know it's wrong, all of it is wrong. Legally, morally, it's fucked up. I'm a honey dip, I'm falling in love with you, and there were never the right conditions for love. You didn't set me up, but you consciously tip toed around all the little traps knowing I'd get snared. I'm stuck, thank you. Thank you for dragging me on and killing me like this. You have no idea, I know you think I'm fine with this,and that this is nothing more to me than it is to you. You're so terribly wrong. "You don't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with you. Cause you don't know what you do to me."
|
|
| Youre the taste on my lips, sometimes you're the only faith..i have. |
[09 Oct 2006|11:22am] |
It's safe to say that I'm sick of my situation. I need to meet new people, I need new beginnings. None of the ones lately have worked out. I want butterflies, I want nervous silence, I want genuine emotion. I don't need another one night stand, another fling or hookup. At the risk of sounding like a bad 80s teenage romantic comedy, I want something real. I'm starting to believe that I no longer have emotions, because nothing gets to me anymore.
No I take that back, this is getting to me. I don't have any positive emotions. No love, no trust, I want the type of thing where just the sound of his name makes me smile because I'm so head over heels. I want it all. I want the world...Am I asking too much? Is it impossible to find a boy who will listen to what you have to say in a conversation..who will hold a conversation in general with you, not so he can try to get in your pants later on, but because he actually cares about what you think? I always find myself going "Oh, look at how cute you are pretending to listen, pretending to care.. you've paid your dues..meet me out back in 10 minutes." So maybe it isn't quite to that extreme yet..but honestly. If you're only paying attention to try and see what I'm made of then please just leave me to myself. I'm tired of the game.
|
|
| In Love With The Idea Of Love. |
[02 Oct 2006|07:28pm] |
I feel like I'm running in circles. I don't know what to do, or where to take anything, or how to take anything for that matter, anymore.
I just want to hear from him, even if it's nothing good, I just want to be acknowledged.
And all the while in my head all I hear is "I must go on standing, you can't break that which isn't yours.I must go on standing I'm not my own, it's noy my choice..apres moi le deluge."
It could never work, and I knew it alll along. But I keep reliving that first little kiss, and the ones it lead to, the one on the ribs, the neck..
I see all these happy couples, people in love, and i have no one. I dont even have any possibilities.. i have fall backs but i want something genuine. If given a chance, which I doubt I'll get said chance, i could make something amazing. but I'm not that lucky.
|
|
| You are my sweetest downfall |
[01 Oct 2006|12:02pm] |
I loved you first
beneathe the stars
but they're just soft light..
I spend all of my time wishing I was older.
I would die sooner, but If I died in a week I know I would most likely die happy.
Time not spent wishing for the years to roll over
is spent wishing I was in love.
I suppose that that means I am in fact in love, with the idea and concept of love.
I had it all, once.
But I got bored, and I threw it all away,
for a fresh start..
for a dead end.
And when he kissed me, honestly
I did let the secret slip out a little..
but I couldn't help myself.
I did a decent job of restraining..
If I had it my way I would have screamed it to everyone.
I really liked him.
Now I'm not so sure, now..I'm having doubts.
Not just about myself--well, mostly about myself.
But I think that maybe he's looking for someone better for him.
By better for him, I mean worse for him.
I don't smoke..anything at all
He does.
I can't stay out all night, or sneak out at night.
He doesn't need to be sneaky about it.
It's illegal, which adds an element of fun and danger
But, I don't suppose that he sees it quite that way.
And now, I'm fairly certain his gaze is shifting, and that he's got a new target.
She's his age, she smokes, she parties, she loves sex.
How could I possibly compete with a package like that?
"See this is how it works,
you're young until you're not.
you love until you don't.
you try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry,
you cry until you laugh.
and everyone must breathe until their dying breath..
No, this is how it works,
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took.
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some one's else's heart
pumping someone elses's blood.
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed..
but, even if it does,
you'll do it all again.."
|
|
| If I kiss you where it's sore will you feel better? Will you feel anything at all? |
[30 Sep 2006|10:13am] |
It's not necessary
for you to correct my grammar, my tone of voice
so attractively.
It's your fault, you know.
I trip over words, I stutter
and slip and slide on sentences
and contexts
and it's all in that smile, the way your nose wrinkles
I trip over the thought
that maybe, there is some slight chance
that I brought that smile to your lips.
When they part it's so elegant.
Your voice is smooth and decisive.
I can't recall a time when there wasn't an air of purpose and intention
There was never a time when I didn't know what to say
simply, I could not find a way to say it,
and somehow if I did the words clung to the back of my teeth
refusing to dance and tickle your ears.
I apologize if I'm rambling
I really do have more intelligent things to say
to you
but right now there is no music
and I'm afraid the pounding of my heart alone
could be deafening.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I almost called you today..
but I wasn't sure ..
of what to tell you, what you'd enjoy hearing..
I doubt my voice alone could ever be enough
to bring a smile to your face..
a smile I could fall asleep in.
...but, that doesn't mean that I won't wake up
with indentations from your arms around me.
I barely felt when you slipped away,
but your touch is inescapable
when you pump my blood.
and we're moving so slow
in such a blur
you make me
dizzy dizzy dizzy
I'm sick to my heart
------------------------------------------------------------------------
And when you're drunk and the urge to kiss someone is acheing in your jaw, this is what comes out. I just want to kiss him, even for a second.
|
|
| What you do to me feels like I'm floating on air. |
[18 Sep 2006|09:38pm] |
And it's happened again. I met a boy 3 weeks ago. I see him every 2-3 days. I work with him. He makes me smile really hard, but to be honest he makes everyone smile and laugh. He's the reason I actually enjoy my job. He's 4 years older than me, and he smokes. He's really fun though, or seems to be. I don't know how to read him still.
He jokes around a lot, with everyone, but not to the extent he does with me..that I've seen atleast. I just don't know when he is and isn't joking. I know when a lot of times I want him to be serious with what he's saying..but honestly I think it's all a game. I just don't know. He says things about me standing him up, and shutting him down, and playing him out, and I laugh and insist that it's the other way. And he talks about kissing me, and he's been trying to make out with me since we started this thing 3 weeks ago. And he winks, and mouths various 'i want you' type of things to me, very publically. Maybe it's somewhat serious, maybe he just likes how I react to him.
I tried to kiss him by one of the registers(computers) and he pulled away fast. He said it was because he had guests and that's inapropriate for the floor area 'not on the clock.' I put myself out there, i tried, he insists that's a poor excuse/attempt but..I made my move and got shot down. Lately whenever he doesn't have tables he sits out by the host area or stands there with us..maybe it's because the football game was on..maybe it wasn't. Last night he came up behind me and as I turned around he seemed to be moving in...but I ran away pretty fast.. I'm not sure if he was really going to kiss me or not, but if he in fact was, I blew it. I won't see him till wednesday, but when I do, if I get him alone I'm sucking it up, putting my fear aside and I'm going for it.
|
|
| insignificantly enough we both have significant others |
[15 Sep 2006|11:50pm] |
So, right then, where to begin... well I had been thinking about my past quite a lot lately, and I realized how good I had it and how much I missed it. I knew I hurt Bruce by getting into a relationship with James so quickly..but it was rebound..it was reflex. Not that Bruce could ever point a finger because he publicly hooked up with my friend Kristy, and then went out with (after stealing from his cousin/best friend) Tiffany, another friend of mine(and kristy's) and then that brings us to..well the present.
Bruce had asked me for advice of breaking up with tiffany, not awkward at all is it? Forget that we went out for 18 months and you're going out with a girl who used to be my friend but now apparently feels too awkward to look at me anymore..but I complied..and I went to see him and I wanted to start things up again..but I didn't know I was too late.
He was part of the reason for one of his life long really good friends and one of my friends (and tiffany's and kristy's) to break up..and now that she was single he was going for her. I threw up. I was nauseous..I had started wearing the ring he gave me again..and the sight of it made me gag, literally. So I decided since he was goin to be out on wednesday night, without a doubt, to get rid of the ring and return the 'shitty feeling' favor. I finally got him alone..and basically it was:
"I need to try something new.."
--"Stealing girls from your cousin and a good friend is the new thing to do now?"
"No, I just..she's what my whole summer's been about. I dont want it to be a waste."
---"A summer versus a year and a half..silly me for thinking I might have had a chance."
"Yeah well.."
---"So this is what you want 100%? positive? absolutely sure?"
"Well its more 51-49"
----"But she's the 51..serves me right."
:::by this time I had thrown the ring back at him..but then decided that I didnt want him to have it, because I didnt want her to end up with it.::
----"So i'll take the ring and pawn it, it meant nothing to you, but atleast I can get something out of it."
"No, I'm putting it somewhere safe where I can find it one day and think back on my first real relationship."
----"Oh, do you mean on her finger, where you can look at it?"
"No, thats not what I mean at all."
---"well, I just want to see one thing, and if this doesn't mean anything I'll go back to being in your past..where you've put me already."
::and I kissed him. it was over dramatic and that was intentional. He seemed like he was on the verge of tears, and I was the one who pulled away. I didn't even have to pull him in, it started as a hug. abd I admit I had a smile as I walked away and said 'good luck, don't screw it up' to him. At that moment, if only for that moment, he felt what I had felt. I haven't heard from him since.:::
But on the bright side, I might have found a new interest. I dont know how to read him, whether he's honest while flirting or if it's just his joking..he jokes alot. But it's adorable and distracting, and the one reason I ever want to go to work. and he has no idea..well maybe a slight one. he's 4 years older, and that's depressing. He sings, he dances, he makes everything alright. I hope he isnt as unattainable as he seems, and that he isnt not what he seems in general.
And I have the perfect song for my situation "Day Late" Anberlin.
so let me get this straight
say now you loved me all along?
what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
i can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
i remember so along ago see I felt the same way
now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
insignificantly enough we both have significant others
only time will tell
time will certain tell
But thoughts they change and times they rearrange i don't know who you are anymore
loves come and go and this i know i'm not who you recall anymore
but i must confess you're so much more than i remember
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together
we are who we were when
could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when
who knew what we know now
could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when
my day late friend
so let me get this straight
all these years and you were no where to be found
and now you want me for your own
but you're a day late and my love she's still renowned
|
|
| if you could see it, then you'd understand.. |
[26 Aug 2006|01:20pm] |
So I sat and thought about it on my drive to work yesterday, I think it's happened. I think I'm over it. Or, I thought I was ..but then it occured to me 'if you were over him, you wouldnt have sat and reminisced about him for 40 minutes the way you just did." I lied to myself.
And college preparation is so overwhelming. I missed the deadline to register for the September 16th ACTs. That means I have to wait for October 28th. Early Admissions deadlines for Cornell are November 1st. Anyone seeing a slight time problem? All I've been doing lately is worrying myself sick and looking up scholarship opportunities. All I can do is pray and keep my fingers crossed. It doesn't help that that phrase itself could bring me to tears.
So I work now..a lot. I still havent heard anything back from the aquarium where I'd like to volunteer. I hope to hear back soon. It's really an amazing opportunity. So i won't have time in my schedule to breathe? It's over rated. I'll be alright.
|
|
| Good luck, don't screw it up.. |
[24 Aug 2006|12:14pm] |
I think I stood up too fast, because my head is light, and I dont think I can think straight anymore..
and now Caite's in the same boat I am. It's a week long getaway. You don't expect to meet anyone special, or that you'll remember..you dont plan on learning names..but Fate has other plans and throws your whole life for a loop. "How did you get over it? It hurts so much, and it's crazy." and honestly. I didn't. And I hate telling her that, because I know she wanted a 'in time it'll be alright..you won't hurt when you hear his name' but that's not how it is..a month later and this boy still has me. I dream about him. true story. He makes me never want to leave my bed. I wish I wasn't so hesitant about his.
And I hoped for the very best, but now I think I'm in over my head..
And her's is only a state line away..mine is an ocean, multiple time zones, a world away.
Just a hope to spark his memory.
|
|
| Mistakes we KNEW we were making. |
[23 Aug 2006|09:17am] |
and lately, I find myself just gushing whenever his name is dropped..
Memory is such a funny little thing, so many things can trigger it and then you just start reeling with emotion. The colors red black & white, a certain city with a magical name, purcell low rise 7 donlon donlon donlon, a coldplay song, popcorn, lucky pennies, 'I'm addicted', JAWS, lakes, gorges, waterfalls..and so so so much more. My head starts spinning and his laugh still rings out in my ears, and I close my eyes and I see clearly every little look he gave me, every little suggestive nod that no one seemed to notice but us. "Cross your fingers for me.."
No word since he left the country. Nothing for two and a half weeks. 'You're stupid to think about him or expect him to ever contact you again. He's gone, it's over you need to accept that. You'll never talk to him again, you can try to email him or contact him and he won't ever respond back.' I felt horrible, but I accepted it. And then the next day I almost cried I was so happy--mail from him. Two days in a row at that.
I walked into the situation planning to keep to myself. "I have everything I need and want in my life back home, fuck these kids I'll never see or talk to them again, I'm not going to bother to even remember names." I didn't pack anything impressive, I didn't bring any kind of curling or flat iron for my hair. Who did I need to impress? So I regret that a bit now, because I was incredibly wrong. And let it be noted that I can keep in touch like nobody's business.
I feel really blessed because of the way fate plays out for me. I believe there is a time and place for everything, and a reason why certain people meet. Just 2 weeks after meeting Alex at Cornell (through the boy who has been mentioned so much, and in this entry) he came down to my part of Jersey for a family reunion that had been planned months ago, so I got to visit with him. I'm hoping that PR will also come back into my life at some point. 'I really liked Cornell, I really liked America. Keep your fingers crossed for me so I can come back, and I'll cross mine for you. We'll see where the future takes us and what it has for us, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed."
--"So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be,
We'll get over it,
Sad, strong, safe, and sober,
We'll move forward,
And know where we went wrong,
But you can't go home again."
|
|
| Giving up the ghost.. |
[17 Aug 2006|12:03am] |
And so a month ago today, I met him. And if I knew then, what he'd mean to me now..how much I'd miss him and think about, I would have taken advantage of my time in Ithaca so much more. I was scared and I wanted it all to fly by and be forgotten. I didnt want to take the time to get to know anyone because it wouldnt matter..but it did matter.
And I'm looking at these pictures, and living in the memories and it's driving me insane. I haven't heard from him since he left the country and it's killing me. I need to forget. I need to let it go. I'll never see him again.
My application came in the mail today..I'm so nervous filling it out. Let's be honest, even if I do somehow get accepted to Cornell..it'll never be the same without him...and even if by some chance he went there I'd never find him and never know.
Some times the world seems so small, and you can't get away from people..why cant this be one of those times.
|
|
| This is not a game, this here..is our lives. |
[15 Aug 2006|06:15pm] |
It's not that I don't catch the drift, pick up the hint, or know where you're taking something. I know what you're after, I understand you have wants. However, don't think you're so clever to have outwitted me, I'm not naieve. Instead, recognize that I too, want certain things from time to time..and I can take advantage of what I've got and hold it above your head, just as easily as you can do the same to me.
The lines you feed me, in one ear and out the other. Don't think I don't notice a quote of my own when you throw it back at me though. I know my game. I know this game. I know your games. I'm not giving in to you. or doing/saying anything because it's what you want. I'm playing your ego against you. I'm not the "I was born to make you happy" girl. As selfish as it is, I'm intend to get what I want when I want it how I want it, and sweetheart if you're not smart enough to see through it..well it all works out because you'll be calling me back soon enough.
|
|
| And I know what they said, "you can't survive without us." |
[15 Aug 2006|01:47am] |
You can't be serious have you thought this through?!?
And I dont know if I know myself anymore. Lately I've been acting so out of character. Things I never thought I would do, or say, I'm not what I thought I would be at all..and I'm not sure if I like that or not.
I don't regret anything..yet. If anything I regret not doing something.
The highlight is, I've got my pictures from Ithaca. I've got my memories crystal clear.
The down side, I'm unraveling. The colors that I didn't want to leak, are showing through.
|
|
| This won't mean a thing come tomorrow..and thats exactly how I'll make it seem.. |
[12 Aug 2006|04:22pm] |
I didn't want it to mean that much to me..
But it does, it always has.Mr Right now turns into Mr I need you now...always. I can't do no strings attached..because the heat of the moment always seems to spark that passion. There's that fatal chemistry, and once I get those goosebumps, those butterflies.. it's all over.
i'm falling apart.
|
|
| "It's not cheating, it's winning"..but I think I'm folding. |
[09 Aug 2006|11:55am] |
This whole love thing, is entirely too delicate for someone as clumbsy as me. One you fall, you fall hard and there's no getting out..but in the process of falling..what if the wrong person catches you? There were nights I'd lay in bed, not wanting to sleep because i was too happy, things seemed perfect. I'd take out my camera and flip though pictures of us from earlier that day, with a big smile on my face, thankful for what I had.
However, since going away things have been different, there were some hang ups. And, they seemed to have snapped me out of my trance and put me at a cross roads. I'm starting to get over the one, there are jsut some things you have to overcome..like accepting that there is an ocean between us. "nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these.." and I know I still miss him, I even had dreams where he was back on our soil.
But I know I am in over my head. It's funny how the past has such a way with fucking with your future. This new..."him". So I hadn't seen him since the last day of school, and he graduated, and he's gone. I admit that everytime I saw a black truck I'd get my hopes up a little, but even that was barely lingering anymore. Oh the games we played. We could never be single at the same time, not even day one. When he was I wasn't, and when I was free he had just gotten into a relationship and was head over heels. He still played around a little but not nearly as much. I was spitting game pretty hard too, and I got lead on I'll admit it. Come to find out, things fell through.
"I could have gone to a big party at GCC, but I didn't I came here because John said you'd be here, I wanted to see you." I laughed it off, here we go. And we talked under the 3 stars in the sky that night, watching lightning flash over us. He offered me a beer and I passed, he was on his third or fourth. I had gone to this bonfire as a last minute, drop everything, its time to play cupid-grab your wings and go- type of thing. I knew he'd be there, or I hoped. I was just..surprised.
He tried to kiss me, he grabbed me and didn't let go. "I can't ..you know that." It was hard to fight. "Fine, I'll remember that. I tried..you can't say I never tried." Because it wasn't like I hadn't laid everything out before, the roles were switched, but it was the same game. I quickly reminded him. After some silence, I gave in a little, and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. Again, he had his arms around my waist and wasnt letting go. I had always thought of him as sweet and charming and..so nice. His aggressive nature caught me off guard. I almost panicked. I got lucky though, because caite's brother was calling her non-stop wanting her home. I wiggled free and got in my car. John had to pull 'him' off of my hood.
I've talked to him since, "I didn't know how much was beer and how much was .....". "It was all me, I wasn't drunk at all." So it was good to see him, regardless. And I was glad to have the attention. I just can't be that girl.
I hate to say it, but it's to the point where..I didn't even have to see him. It was dark, and the only light was coming from the clouds or the fire pit, but it didn't matter. I didn't need to see his face to know what he was thinking, or remember why I was attracted to him. Thinking back I dont think I even really looked at him. Just his eyes, and lips. It's comfortable. "and these grass stains on my knees, they won't mean a thing."
|
|
| The sky will never look the same again, until you show me how it could be |
[05 Aug 2006|10:16am] |
Does the sky look different when you're in another state country?
And so today is his last day in the U.S., and who knows when he'll be back. "You owe me something, and I'll be back for it someday sugar." But honestly, I don't expect anything of the kind. He'll return to Munich, and see her again and realize that there was no real attraction over the pond, but a primal yerning for attention. It's the nature of the beast, and I can accept that.
Sunday I drove ten hours, spent $65 on gas and tolls, leaving Jersey behind one more time; to see Ithaca, to see him. I only got about 4 hours there, but I enjoyed it. I do regret not just going with my heart, and holding back. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, well in our case twice because of my extra effort, but still. I didn't take advantage of it.
I don't know why I was scared. I was tripping over my words like an idiot, not so much thinking about what to say or how to word things, but blurting them out if I thought they seemed clever in that second of relaying brain to lips. I kind of jumped any time he touched me. I tried to be calm and collected, but I think he picked up on the effect he had on me. As hard as I tried, I couldn't laugh everything off. He appreciated my sarcastic jabs and quips "you're so funny, you're too cute." I miss that. I'm happy with what I have here at home, but let's be honest intelligent conversation and debates are few and far between.
I miss the looks he'd give me. He was so subtle. No one picked up on the the head nods or facial expressions. It was like we had a secret language. People had suspicions, but no one had any proof. I'll admit I did get extra enjoyment watching the girls get jealous, glaring over at me with him, trying to read lips. "Si tu quiere que te coma toda?! quiero."
It made me feel alive. and if I don't get accepted to cornell I don't know what I'll do, or worse, if I do but he doesn't. I'd go visit him there, but I don't know if I could be there, at the old hangouts without him being around. It would never be the same. It would be unbearable. Donlon would be especially hard..unit 2 through the basement.
and it's all a secret affair. Only two other people know for sure about us. I wasn't the first or the last, but I was the only american, and I changed his opinion of 'us' completely. in every aspect. I just hope his impression was good enough to bring him back.
|
|
| You can't let go of something you never had.. |
[27 Jul 2006|09:27am] |
Why I fell in love with Ithaca, and can not stay away..
Is it possible to get butterflies from someone that you've known a week? I'm not the 'love at first sight' type, not that that's how it worked out at all. He sat a few rows ahead of me, "brazil." With his long, slicked back hair and european metrosexual look. There was never any "oh he's hott" or even "he's cute" just.. "What was that kid thinking when he did his hair?? I want to mess it up..someone needs to do something!" Followed by Julia's "God, please do." And it wasn't until we took the Bio lab tour that I even heard him speak or listened to him for 5 minutes.
As it worked out I ran into him at Purcell, which was full so he introduced himself and offered to show me his back up place for research/writing. We talked briefly, and he appologized for being horrible with names, but with only a week who really bothers to remember names? He remembered mine though, after only 10 minutes. The next day I opted to walk with him and his friends as we toured the gorges and waterfalls. I lost him at the lake though, but it was good enough. It was on the suspension bridge that it occured to me, there was something about him that I enjoyed. I still don't know what it is. He's exciting(1/2 american, 1/2 brazilian, lives in germany, and speaks english, german, portugese (flunently) and spanish (pretty damn well), he's attractive once you get passed the hair (which, if it's down makes a world of difference), and he's charming (his uncles got him started on the whole flirty game at a young age). He listens well, even if you aren't talking to him, as i noticed, he picked up on most of what I said to anyone aloud the entire day trip. He asked if I wanted to go out with him and his friends for his birthday, but I didn't go.
The next day he asked if I wanted to eat lunch with him, which I was unsure of, but I really wasn't left much of a choice. It seemed that even if I didn't plan on seeing him I ran into him sooner or later.
so my week was over, and he's still in Ithaca, for two more weeks, then it's back to germany. We've kept in touch, and I plan on going back this sunday, rain or shine, no matter what. An 8 hour drive, for 3-4 hours there. It's crazy, but when someone is leaving the country soon, you do what you need to. I wouldn't be so set on this, if he didn't say the cutest things.
|
|
| So tell me what you think about being honest with yourself |
[09 Jun 2006|11:12pm] |
I'm not trying to parade him around like some trophy, I'm just happy. i'm really very happy. "He's not good enough for you." "You're too good for him." I'm so sick of people thinking that they matter when it comes to my relationships. The parents don't approve of James..he's too low class apparently.. hes got a foul mouth, gaged ears, a tongue ring & soon more piercings & a few tatts. Also, he's italian which is an automatic strike out in my mother's eyes. She's so worried about what the neighbors think, what my ex boyfriend/his family think. I saw him earlier & heard his cousin make a disgusted 'are you kidding??' type of noise as we passed.
I'm getting harassed by my mom as it is..basically she thinks hes only using me because i'm older & I have a car etc etc..butshe doesn't know the whole situation & I'm not typing it out.
While everyone else was so preoccupied with how the other reacted to seeing us in public, me and him were lying on the hood of the car, looking at the stars cuddling blaring things like "seasons" & "change". We played on the beach under a full moon, trying to jump out of the waves' way & flip over the upside down horseshoe crabs. He's refreshing and not nearly as bad of a person as people expect him to be. He's a great guy, a great boyfriend and people need to give him a chance. I'm glad I did.
|
|
| Butterflies are a tall order.. |
[21 May 2006|10:14am] |
Ever get yourself into something absolutely knowing without a doubt that it isn't going to work? I just can't help myself. I know better but I play stupid constantly. So lately I've been running into this boy a lot, he's everything that won't be good for me. He smokes(everything), he drinks all the time, he honestly just doesn't givea fuck, he's failed once & very well could again, he goes looking for fights, he likes country music. Let's be honest he's very very attractive, and can be sweet when he wants to be, but he isn't the smartest boy & what good is a pretty boy with no hope of intelligent conversation? He's italian as hell, which mother would NEVER approve of. Stultz would be less than impressed with his gaged ears and tongue ring.
Already things are looking bad. I called him when I got home, after dropping him off at his boys house, after an evening in OC and night in the pit, only to hear girls giggling in the background & him unwilling to give them my name. I hear him talk about 'all the nice girls' on the board walk, & he isnt drunk at this time. I usually don't get jealous, or atleast I try not to. & I dont want to be the bitch who doesn't let him have any fun, because I know how that feels to be told what you can and cant do with who and where. I think most of it is the fact that he cheated on his ex numberous times- any time she 'pissed him off' not that she didnt throw it right back at him.
I think that it would be wise for me to stick to gay guys. They're pretty, smart, caring, they listen & they'll watch sex & the city or Will & grace willingly.
too bad Corey is already someone's boyfriend =[
|
|
| You got me right where you'd like me you know.. |
[12 Apr 2006|10:07pm] |
looking for love in a lapdance, and paying in naivety.
There's so much I'm dying to get out, so many things piled up in my throat it's killing me to keep it back. But you never know who's looking, or when, or their intentions. On the upside I guess it's good to be pulled in so many directions at once. Spreading yourself thin can't be terrible, it'll teach me something if nothing else.
It's just that, the way those words play into my life..it's playing with my head.
So I've been confiding in people that I know let it roll in one ear and out the other..because I can vent and I feel better, and they won't remember to spill my guts for me should anyone question my actions. I've been scowering the B-section of the papers looking for a glimpse. It's that terrible. I sit and hum 'enough about me' because suddenly its all relevant and I think about plans for spring break and how to keep them, manage my time.
The check is in the mail, Ithaca is official. Cornell University, Ivy League, it's all official.
Change is coming, I need some hair dye (blonde), a nice fake tan (cancer), and some diet soda(more cancer). Prom is coming and I'm dowing sugar,fat, & carbonated drinks like they're going out of style. Oh this new lifestyle of mine. I'm everything I swore I'd never be. Me two years ago would kill me now. Well, maybe not, I've grown alot, learned alot, seen alot, experianced alot since then. hmm.
|
|