Painfully Reflecting's Journal

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

8:12PM - Survey thingy I stole!

SECTi0N>1: ABOUT YOU_
+` name: Roxanne
+` gender: female
+` height: 5'3''
+` hair color: brown
+` eye color: blue
+` location: Oklahoma
+` fears: snakes, spiders, dark, being alone, growing old and realizing that I never did anything in my life

SECTi0N>2: HAVE Y0U EVER_
+` cheated on someone: never, haven't had the chance to and won't anyway
+` fallen off the bed: yupper
+` fallen for a relative: no
+` had plastic surgery: no
+` failed a grade: no
+` broken someones heart: Not that i've ever noticed, Who the hell's heart would I break?
+` had your heart broken: that's a big ten four good buddy
+` done something you regret: who hasn't. . . only a SMALL few
+` cheated on a test: yes, like 8 year ago. it was a spelling test. And believe it or not I was good at spelling til then. . . Damn Karma
+` broken a body part: no

SECTi0N>3: CURRENTLY_
+` wearing: white shirt and jeans
+` listening to: Fall Out Boy :: Dead On Arrival
+` chewing: cheek. . . damn
+` feeling: lonely
+` located: living room
+` chatting with: nobody
+` watching: monitor
+` should really be: DOING SOMETHING!

SECTi0N>4: D0 Y0U_
+` brush your teeth: OF COURSE!
+` like anybody: not anymore
+` have any piercings: two holes each ear, one is closing up though. . . damn. I want to get a third hole too
+` believe in Santa: Sure, why not?
+` ever get off the PC: not really

SECTi0N>6: THE LAST PERS0N Y0U_
+` hugged: Corey or Jon
+` gave eprops to: Megan I think
+` IMed: Megan
+` talked to on the phone: Errrrr. . . I think Lacey. I don't talk on the phone that much anymore
+` yelled at: Hmmmmm. . . in person or in "letter"?
+` fell in love with: Love is fake
+` tripped: most likly some time today

SECTi0N>7: PERS0NAL_
+` what do you want to be when you grow up? happy and not alone
+` what was the worst day of your life? I can't put that up here. A few people know what day that was though
+` most embarrassing story: none that i'm sharing !D
+` the best day of your life? I can't think of a day when it was so good it out weighed the bad
+` what comes first in your life? Nothing really, kind of sad. . . OK really sad
+` do you have a bf/gf/crush? Not anymore
+` if you had an extra set of eyes, where would you put them? JUST ONE PAIR!? DAMN. I WOULD PUT THEM ON MY FINGER AND FREAK PEOPLE OUT!! (ok, that wasn't in CAPS but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it)
+` what do you usually think about before you go to bed? How the HELL did I get to where I am today?

SECTi0N>8: FAV0RiTE_
+` movie: Dogma, Nightmare Before Chirstmas, LOTR, and many more
+` song: iris :: goo goo dolls, HEY YOU!:: androids, Gasoline :: seether, Letters to you :: Finch, and White Houses :: Vanessa Carlton
+` store: dont have one
+` relative: Mom, I guess. . .
+` sport: Ewwwwwww. . .none
+` vacation spot: N.Y. city, to bad that's so close to that familt there
+` ice cream flavor: Not a big fan of ice Cream
+` fruit: bannananannnananers?
+` candy: REESE!
+` holiday: Haloween or Chistmas
+` day of the week: Saturday
+` colors: Black. . . Green? I don't know anymore

SECTi0N>9: D0 Y0U_
+` like to give hugs: to a few
+` like to walk in the rain: one of my favorite things to do, to bad it hasn't rain in a long time
+` sleep with or without clothes on: with
+` blue or black pens: blue?
+` dress up for halloween: Any excuse to dress up is a good one
+` like to travel: to some places
+` sleep on side, stomach, or back: side
+` want to marry: If i meet the right person. . . maybe
+` have a goldfish: not anymore
+` have stuffed animals: What kind of person doesn't? **looks around** Oh. . .
+` go on vacation: to some places

SECTi0N>10: 0THER QUESTi0NS_
+` do you go to church? no, haven't found one I liked
+` do you like church? not what most of them teach
+` why or why not? They play God off as a hateful revangful ass. I can't believe that he/She is
+` what's your favorite kind of tree? weeping willow
+` out of all your friends who has the coolest room? Ya know what? I haven't been to most of their rooms. I guess Lacey wins by default

---? Attraction
Are you a flirtatious person? not really
Physically, what immediately draws you to the opposite sex? eyes, and arms
Personality-wise, what immediately draws you to the opposite sex? kindness and/or how funny they are
Is their social status important? nope
Does it matter if they are involved in activities like sports or music? nope
Have you ever gotten butterflies because you liked someone so much? Once, but they died a slow death

---? First Date
For a first date, would you rather go out alone or out with friends? Depends on how well I know the person
Go to a place where you can talk or go to a place where you can have fun? both, have fun first and then talk
To you, is feeling a connection important on the first date? You shouldn't do anythign with anyone if you don't feel a connection
What is one place you wouldn't want to go to for a first date? I don't think it would matter
Have you ever been on a blind date? never had a date
Do you kiss on the first date? Never had a date

---? Love
Have you ever been in love? In a way, but that person wasn't real
How do you know if you're in love? Love always seems so fake to me, when you say you are
Have you told someone that you loved them when you really didnt? NO! That's mean!
Is having love in your life important? in some ways
Do you think you are or will be good at expressing love? Never enough to others
Do you think it's true that we all have one soulmate in our life? Life is what we make it, if you make yourself a soulmate, then yes.

---? Upsets
Have you ever liked/loved someone and never had that feeling returned? YUP!
Have you ever asked the opposite sex out and been turned down? Not really
Have you ever been set up as a joke? not that I can think of
Have you ever dated someone because you felt bad about turning them down? no, leading someone on is a horrible thing to do
Have you ever had your heart broken? sure have










There you go. To some time but I got it done. It ended up bring back more then I wanted to remmeber but I got it done. GO ME!

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Wednesday, September 8, 2004

10:07PM - OK A Quick Thing. . .

I put up a link to my new journal. A song journal. Check it out. The link is in my website thingy. Heros Wanted. Tell me want you guys think.

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Sunday, September 5, 2004

10:25AM - HEY YOU!

Hey You
The Androids




I spend most every night just me and my TV
I eat my cookies and I sip on my warm tea
I'm never ever ever ever gonna make it
Never ever ever ever gonna shake it
If I get the guts to say hello she'll say to me
I think ya kinda cool but I don't think of you like that

Hey you, I'm getting through it

Yeah you, you never should have done it x2
I don't like to stand in crowds

I feel all outta place
And I go to the corner store
Supermarkets make me sweat
I'm never ever ever ever gonna make it
Never ever ever ever gonna shake it
That check-out chick has got a flirty pout
But if I ask her out
I think ya kinda cool but I don't think of you like that

Hey you, I'm getting through it

Yeah you, you never should have done it x2
She says,
I'd love to chat but he's with me
Any other time would be fine you'd see
Leave me alone if you don't I'll scream
Hey you, I'm getting through it

Yeah you, you never should have done it x4
Hey you!
Yeah you!
Hey you!
Yeah you!


Hmmmmm. . . I wonder who this song goes to?

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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

3:00PM - BACK!

HASH(0x8a730ac)
You Are Breath No More

I actually finally down loaded this song while I
was creating this quiz. I was blown away. The
song is amazing, though frustratingly rare to
find. You are lost to yourself and to others.
You don't know who you are anymore and your
reality is so screwed up and distorted. I can
seriously empathize with the way you are
feeling because this is my song too.

Your Lyrics:

I've been looking in the mirror for so long
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other
side
Oh the little pieces falling shatter
Shards of me too sharp to put back together

Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces
If I try to touch her

And I bleed
I bleed
And I breathe
I breathe no more

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirit's
well
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child

Lie to me
Convince me that I've been sick forever
And all of this will make sense when I get better

But I know the difference between myself and my
reflection
I just can't help but to wonder
Which of us do you love

So I bleed
I bleed
And I breathe
I breathe no-
Bleed
I bleed
And I breathe [3x]
I breathe no more



What Extremely Underrated Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



Back for now. . . see how this works out. Not any better. . . may as well have been kicked out. I'm so tired of having people give up on me. . . so sick and tired. . .

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Monday, August 23, 2004

9:22PM

Take the quiz: "What Kind of Soul Do You Retain?"

Tortured
You aren't sure how to feel, and this leaves you constantly in distress about what you do and who you are. You are tortured in the fact you can't run OR hide.

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1:52PM - Last Time

Mom wants me to stay away from Joe and Ashly. Not even talk to them. not hard with Joe, haven't talked to him in over a week. Kind of sad, part of me wanted to. With Ashly , she is still my friend and I have several classes with her. Don't know that I can stop talking to her. Mom doesn't mean forever. . . but it feels like that. I want to updating this to the public anymore. . . I can't be open like that. I'm going to look for a cool friends only banner later put it up here.

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Sunday, August 22, 2004

9:48PM - I Feel So Lonely

I feel so lonely. I wish I had someone. I want to be loved. But I could never tell him that its him I love. I guess this is love. I wish it wasn't. I don't want it to be. It hurts to much.

They are happy, I don't want to take a chance a screw that up. Like I could. . . Holding to much selfworth. I have none, I could nothing to screw it up. Part of my wants to. Make them so inhappy, but I can't do that.

I could never make anyone unhappy. PLUS. . . I know this wont end good. I couldn't be happy how ever it ended, or will end. . .

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8:27PM - Through Out The Day

I am so miserible, so unhappy.

I want to feel loved again. . . was I ever loved? I dont think I was. Truth and Lies. Maybe I was, but I dont think it was real.

Did I love him? Maybe I did. . . can you love someone if they aren't who you thought they were, or so it fake?

Do I still? I don't know. . . I think I do, but I can't. . . it wouldn't matter anyway. . . didn't then and doesn't now.

I want to feel bueitful. . . pretty. . .hell, I'd go for ugly. I'm just plain. At least if I was ugly I would be noticed, of course I would rather be pretty. But I would go for anything but plain.

I want to escape. . . is that possible? Just to runaway? Go away with people who I love! Friends, what a great thing. . . when its real.

You know whats really funny? I haven't smoked in years, and I'm dieing for a cigerette. I haven't felt that way in a long time. There is no way i could get one though. . . damn.

Maybe its a good thing I can't get one, doesn't stop me from wanting one though.

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9:58AM - I Want To Die

I want to die. I am horrible person! Why is it that everyone around me is so happy? I want to be one of them. . . I want to feel safe. . . to feel loved. . . to feel happy.

SOME ONE SHOOT ME!

I can't take it all. I feel alone. I want all of the feelings above. But they are not meant for me. They are meant everyone else.

I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. . .

I know this just goes on. I am dieing on the inside. Seeing everyone else happy makes me sick, yet thinking that they are unhappy makes me sick too. Everything makes me sick these days.

I know that no matter how this ended I would feel just as bad.

I am not meant to be happy. . .

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