[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Sunday, May 30th, 2004|
Okay no one uses this anymore, not even me, but I missed it and just had to come back and say hi. Awesome after party best night ive had in forever! Everyone was plowed and having a great time. It was one of those once in a life time nights you'll remember forever. Im beggining to realise life is good, take it for what it is and appreciatte the good times
|Sunday, May 23rd, 2004|
Okay so I caved I went to live journal. my name is inertia_now And so yeah i guess I wont be posting on here anymore even though live journal sucks bananas!
|Sunday, May 16th, 2004|
The whole reason i use tis things is to communicate with you three nicki, kristen and kenz, its pretty pointless otherwise, well actually its a nice record of my thoughts, so you kids have fun with that.
|Thursday, May 13th, 2004|
Be willing to take risks means being alive
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't seen you in so long! I havent been on the computer in forever!!! Im sad I thought I was gonna get to see sarahs house tomorow!! booo! Well since you guys are partying at jens or whatever we have to get together next weekend and have some birthday drinks!!!! I hope you have a great time.
It's so nice that you guys write nice things about me! I haven't been on here in forever and looking at all the times you wrote you were missing me is so nice! I'm avoiding this whole internet thing. Ya know ive been thinking a lot about peoples perceptions of me or of anyone for that matter, like what will you say about me when im gone. Like sure I'm a bitch, I have something to say and you're gonna hear it. But I hope that that is also a good quality of mine, I'm honest. I'm "sexy in a bold way" (oh nickis granparents house and strange people, good times) If you need me for anything I will never judge you and I will be there for you a 110%. I don't want anyone to ever be afraid to ask me for anything or tell me anything, honesty is the quality I most admire in people. I'm out spoken and I'm crazy but I hope that Im fun and I hope i made you laugh along the way cause I know I've laughed my fucken ass off way too many times to count. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and thats what I've been doing. The past year has been absolute shit for me, I've suffered a lot but ya know I could have saved myself some suffering if I had tried to do something about it! So I'm done with all that. Sure everyone gets down sometimes, but life is wonderful, I mean i have you guys in it, what more could I ask for. Ya see I didn't think I could remember how to live without being in love, but I am in love, with all of you! Cheers mates!
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
Oh my god, Ive been a fucken basket case for the past week because of my shot! im going freaken crazy! One minute im super angry then the next Im super sad then the next all happy! Stupide being a girl with crazy shots that cause you to have like super mutated pms!!!! This better wear off soon!!! A freaken week Ive put up with this!!!!! Anyways so drank a fortie and a half last night got plowed out of my mind, but i had a really fun time at alex's!!! ben decided that we were going to be handcuffed together all night, that lasted only as long as i could go without having to pee! Im so bored, there were so many parties i was supposed to go to tonight!!! ahhhhhh this whole cutting back on the sauce isnt very easy!
Oh being drunk and angry at the world.... I don't even make sense when Im that drunk! hehehe. Im so angry at the world because everything seems to be going wrong ya know? friends and family especially. Im so frustrated with all this. No matter what I say no one seems to understand what I actually mean. Everyone thinks everything I have to say is about them. I guess thats human nature though, half the time Im talking to myself. I love you guys and you make life worth living. Anyways Im bored and tired and hung over and i have to work cheers!
So Im at bens and people suck and apparently think you want things you dont. And apparently Im going to go home and smoke and I hope I hope I fall asleep and burn myslef to death and the fire is contained solely in my room! And you can fuck off because you dont know shit that you think you do!
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
So they played an amazing show last night! I grabed marks ass! oh yeah! Im bruised all to hell my whole knee is black. I met some cool guys that are gonna come visit when we get our house, i hope i wrote my stuff down right, oh man was i drunk! The show could have been a lot better though, i mean not their set, just the whole night. I guess next time I'll know better. Do you ever wonder what you saw in people that is so obviously not there? The Unseen played some of my favourite songs though so I was pleased. Plus did I mention I grabbed his ass!!! My crowning acheivement! hehehe. Anyways despite how great seeing the unseen was I feel like absolute shit, and going to work and having to think for 4 hours is going to kill me so i better go relax for a while.
|Monday, May 3rd, 2004|
Sometimes life is scary and sometimes its hard and ya know it seems like rarely is everything okay. Its hard to appreciatte the people in your life who love you when theres someone you wish'd love you. It had been along time since i had a good laugh but with nicki the other day we had a scenario and i cant remember the last time i'd laughed so hard. It was like junior high when my worst problem was derek (whom I saw today, weird) not to say at the time that didnt seem like the end of the world. When i would spend a day after breaking up with him laying on the couch listening to some awful music on my discman, with my 14 year old heart broken. Little did i know there would come a time when i would spend two weeks in my bed not eating and have my more mature heart broken. and it would take months and many the empty mickey and forty till i felt even a little better. Left with a room the holds the contents to half a dozen emtpy kleenex boxes and a bed with sheets that havent been washed in a month and a half (and we all know Im a sheet washing nazi!) And I know a day will come soon when I'll say what the hell was I thinking! In a way you hope that day never comes, but you will always hold the memories close to your heart but you'll forget what it felt like, even though you dont want to, because even the heartache at least lets you know that someone loved you once. And you have to realise that as much as you love someone as much as you would do or give anything to make things okay, that there is nothing you can do. And I have realised that I cant love someone else until I love myself, or at least that I can never fully express my love for them and treat them the way they deserve, the way i want to treat them, to show them what they mean to me, whether they are friends or lovers. I have made these mistakes and while I would do anything to fix them, not for my own benefit but just so that i could take away and heartache or pain ive caused, i cant. So i will try and treat the people in my life better and never forget to tell them how important they are to me or how much i love them. I wish you all knew how much just seeing you smile and know that I did that meant to me
|Sunday, May 2nd, 2004|
Holy fucking panic attack, Im not psycho.... I just freak out sometimes.... that was scary, hasnt happened in a while. Anywho.... um.... so Im working a freaken ton so I have lots of money for our house. I found ten bucks on the floor at work and then two days later found another 5 it was sweet. What is it with guys being so dumb! Like can you not take no for an answer. Someone please tell me a way to tell a guy youre not interested so that they will believe you and not just think you are blowing them off. Anyways this is boring
|Saturday, May 1st, 2004|
Fuck I wanna die! Why do I do this to myself!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!! I feel like Im losing it! Why am I never happy. Ive always taken everything for granted! I wanna like just swear ill never do it again but it doesnt matter and I would give anything if I could change the mistakes I made! And I didnt want to drink but apparently I cant handle life without it. So what am i supposed to just keep pretending Im okay and eventually everything will be okay. What the fuck good will it do. What fucken good I am if I cant make the people who mean everything to me happy. Why am i such a whiny bitch!!!!!!! If I hadnt been so self absorbed in meaningless problems maybe I wouldnt be so fucking miserable now! What is the point in living when you are so unhappy. I feel really numb, like I dont even know what Im feeling other then a blinding pain, like everythings so dull, i have these memories but i dont know why i care. And Im causing other people this kind of pain to, if Im in pain and I cause others pain why should i live
|Wednesday, April 28th, 2004|
POST MORE FUCKERS!!!! I need the entertainment!!!!!
|Sunday, April 25th, 2004|
Funniest thing ever!!!
Tonight was a fucken blast! I thought Id end up stayen in because I really didnt feel like drinking or anything but then ben and erik called and the night began. So we got my car and went out driving around. Somehow we had this idea that we should put ben in the trunk, so we did. Then we drove down town to the square, stopped at a red light, I popped the trunk from inside and ben jumped out and took off down the street, as we yelled at him to get "get back here", then took off. The confused and horrified looks on peoples faces were the funniest things ever!!! So we did that a few more times at very locations, always equally amusing! we went home and got my video camera so we could tape our dumb shit, but we basically ended up with footage of erik peeing and some guy dancing in front of my car at a stop sign. Then we drove around and egged shit. We hit some kids in the 7-11 parking lot after having a nice chat with them, they were going to egg there school, so it was especially cruel and hilarious! ben nailed some preppy chick with an egg at the end of the night and that was primo too! How illegal is it to drive around with someone in your trunk? Oh and ben jumped out of the car in the square, walked up to georgia and nailed her with an egg, jumped in the trunk and we took off, or we tried to. The car was not in drive, why does this always happen!! I think I have some kind of record for worst getaways ever! Tonight was genuinely fun ya know, it's hard to have fun lately without beeing so hammed out of my mind that i just cant remember a reason not to be having fun. So yay!
|Saturday, April 24th, 2004|
ya ever realise how things seem so bad when they are happening to you, or just happening in general. A month from now will it matter? I'm not saying that I could go back and re-live things knowing how I fell about them now, it wouldn't make it easier. I guess ya just gotta try and survive them right and be thankful for the people in your life that make these things a little easier, the people you love, the people who love you and the people who take you out a drink a forty with ya!
Has anyone ever noticed how ridicolous the lyrics are to some songs, exhibit a- "I'm serious nigga one of y'all niggaz got this ass motherfuckin up
Aiy baby, aiy baby... aiy baby get some bubblegum in this motherfucker
Steady long, steady long nigga
Keep comin up with funky ass shit like every single day..."
What the hell does bubblegum have to do with anything! Oh Snoop Dog!!!!
|Friday, April 23rd, 2004|
Going to the gym when youre hung over is a bad idea. So last night I was somehow talked into drinking a forty, again. After drinking some whiskey, with no chaser, yuck!! But I did manage to get up and go to school today, so Im pleased. We went to taco bell, at least this time I remember going there. I also vaguely remember falling down in the parking lot. I remember talking to some guys outside the trash and one of em giving me a smoke and i was so drunk i lit the filter. God Im a moron! hehe! Good Times! I was still super drunk when I came home and tried to have a convo with my brother, that didnt work so well. I also dropped an entire thing of apple juice from my fridge and spilt it everywhere. This is why we need our house soon, i wont have to come home and try and act sober! We also went to the house we want and like passed out on the steps of some synagogue. Hehe jewish people have funny names for things. Ive decided not to drink for a few weeks, if I can. Ive realised that the problem lately has been that Ive been drinking outside so I just chug down a ton of beer and then before i even feel a buz Im too drunk to stand and i end up laughing beer out my nose. That stung. I cant wait for our house!!! ahhhh!!! I apologise for whining so much last night guys, not as much as I was though, its an improvement! Im sad Im missing the show tonight, I bet its gonna be so good. But Im trying to avoid those things due to the fact that I am not drinking. Oh well, im working a ton so I have lots of money for the summer and Im going to the gym and junk so Im busy. LALALALALALA, Im right hyper.
|Tuesday, April 20th, 2004|
Okay so as nicki said we are getting a house. Go house! I'm so excited. I really need a big change, hopefully this will be for the better. Ive confined myself to my house for the evening trying to get my project done. It was due forever ago and Im kinda screwed. Yet I sit here and play instead of doing my homework! AHHHH! I cant stop thinking about our house. We are subletting it for the summer and if we choose we can lease it after that. Im organizing everything and well people scare me so im nervous. Me and nicki are gonna go check the place out friday. Go house warming kegger, if we can get a keg.... if not we just get horribly smashed! Always a good option. I spent all day at work filling pop machines, how exciting! hence I am looking for a new job. Hopefully close to our HOUSE! yay! How much money do you think i will need for beer?
|Sunday, April 18th, 2004|
My mom just said something to me and i have honestly never been so scared in my entire life.... she told me that love doesn't last forever, that it can't. I know moms are always supposed to be right but I don't want to believe her. Is it true. I honestly can't imagine falling out of love with someone, i know it happens, but does it always have to happen. Like if there is no reason? If you fall in love with someone there must obviously be something very special about them and about the connection you have, and if you love each other a lot and treat each other well, will it still disappear? I'm so very scared, I can't imagine seeing someone you love, holding that person ya know and then the love just going away for no reason. I never thought about it like that before.... So you marry someone that you think you will be able to just put up with for the rest of your life? If this is the case Im gonna marry a really old rich guy real soon and wait for him to die cause theres no point in doin anything else. At least then I'd get something out of the deal. So how long does love last then? Why must I be plagued with all these confusing questions. I bet my journal entries are so long and boring now that no one even bothers to read them. Why is life so difficult. More importantly why is love so difficult. All the shit you go through in life is made worth it when you know you have someone to love. If its true that love can't possibly last then what point is there to living. What an odd twist.
|Saturday, April 17th, 2004|
Sometimes ya kinda think whats the point... Like why am i writting this. I know I write it because writting has always helped me sort through things. I think "does it bother me that other people are reading this?" I think in a way I want to know that maybe someone else feels the same. Then I feel ridiculous that anyone should know what i think. I used to think that you let people you trust know what you're thinking, but now realising trust doesnt exist, it's an illusion, i might as well let everyone know what runs through my head. I just don't care anymore, wait thats a lie. I care so much, SO MUCH!
This is so ridiculous. I mean I sit hear and logically I think why do i care. WHY!? What the fuck is so special, why does it mean so much to me! I feel like a 12 year old, a drama queen, its ridiculous I DONT CARE! thats my mind....... my heart on the other hand.... Why does it control me!? Again... why do i give a shit!?
"One day can make your life, One day can ruin your life. All life is, is 4 or 5 days that change everything"
I try and think of ways i can express how Im feeling but always the way, somebody has said it better. Ya know what the worst feeling in the world is? Knowing there is nothing you can do. Thinking about the "what if's". Shouldn't a person be able to control their own life? Why do i feel so stupid that i feel the way i do? Why do I know that if I do make it through this I'm going to forget how it felt and feel just as stupid that everyone can know now how im feeling.
"forever always seems to be around when it begin but forever never seems to be around when it ends"
Fuck you ben harper, Im such a fucken wanker!!!!! Hahaha. Stupid wanky music, making me think and junk!!! LALALALA! I figure Im gonna have an entirely new perspective on things tomorrow like always, and not even really remember feeling this. its a vicious cycle it is.
"They say time will make all this go away, but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays"
Tomorrow is a new day though and it is filled with new challenges and the old ones the linger in my heart, but is is also filled with opportunity. I guess it's true what they say ya know, life is what you make of it. you have to give people and new things a chance. I just hope Im capable of that.
So hear I sit waiting, trying to get a forty so I can get smashed tonight. I went on the net last night and searched for tests to find out whether or not you are an alcoholic and after several dozen tests it's a unanimous decision I AM AN ALCOHOLIC! Everyone has to check out this page cause its fucken hilarious! http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/md_youre_a_drunk.htm
So I went to work today and when I got there I realised I was high on cough syrup. By accident of course, I was just soooo sick and i had to go because I need the money, so i took a bunch a medicine and go there and it hit me. That was messed. So needless to say work went buy pretty fast and it was fun. I worked like super fast and Im pretty sure I was talking at rapid speed. All kinds of things that i know so well started to slip my mind like i went to buy something and couldnt remember my pin number that ive had for 5 years! Thats the last time I make that mistake! So I tried to sleep last nigth and that didnt work out so well, I was awake till 5 am. But I wasn't just laying there it was like i was having a bad dream but i was completely awake and it was this weird suffering feeling.
WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE SO MUCH THIS TIME!!!!!!!