my cupcake came back to me this afternoon. a lot sooner than planned. and so somehow we got on the subject of planning a life... just for fun because we both know the odds and then said something about shellie. i dont car much for shellie being so close to him. i trust them both but i hate that he can tell her things he cant tell me. he can tell her his fantasys. so i finally got him to tell me one. now i'm the kinda person who waits till marriage for sex. hes not. but he will waitfor me. but he tried to explain it to me and i just dont get it. why not wait? i've heard it makes it such much more special. because ppl make mistakes and who knows how many ppl you will have sex with before you find the one. and by then its not as special becasue you had to make it seem special with the others to put your mind at ease. psychologly we need just one person and something special or insecurities occur and then its all down hill. maybe i'm wrong but what if i'm not? what do you think? is there someone out there that sees what i see? why is marriage not a big deal him? he says its just words but i think its so much more....but i dont know what. put my mind at ease, why? does he say this because hes made a mistake already and cant take it back so he says that to not feel so bad for it.
anyways on a lighter note his dream of us together is just like mine. we had the same dream the other night. i know something is here between us. and he todl me whiel away every night at about two he woudl sit out on the ship and look out on the water and would wisper i love you and think of kissing me good night. and thats so funny that i worte that in a previous journal that i felt that. we both had a dream that we woke up next to each other married years from now. we lived in a beach house, our room was white and the floor was cherry just like the furniture. and the wall the bed was against was covered in black and white pictures and we had white sheets and blankets which is funny because thats how i've always wanted a room.