Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
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10:11 pm - I'm still alive
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I never really have the time to fill this out. or at least thats how it feels.
Stuff is going well here. classes aren't to overwhelming but they aren't easy by any means. pledgeship is going alright. it's nothing bad really...just stuff that takes time. a buddy here put it well, he said this : It's not something you would call home and cry to your mom about, but it's more like shit you would bitch to your girlfriend about. that pretty much somes that up right there.
speaking of girlfriends. i pulled a drunk dial on saturday and talked to Her. or actually i think she called me. either way, i said somethings to her that i need to remind her were the alchohol talking. haha...fuckin all boys schools can make you do some stupid shit when you talk to an ex.
I'm supposed to be studying right now though...so i guess it's time to fake for another 45 mins. yippee ki yi yea!
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Monday, September 6th, 2004
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2:37 pm - God
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Last night was the first night of pledge. And part of the national chapters rules are you must agree to be absolute in your belief of a God. . . yeah...and for those of you who have been following me, you know where i stand or don't stand on this issue.
So i knew if i said yes i would be giving them the answer they wanted. if i said no i would definately be ejected from the house. so i told the truth. I don't know.
After about 12 hours of worrying about how they would take it, i found out from Todd that it was all good and that the question is really more of a formality posed on the house by the national chapter.
Ha, that will probably be rougher than anything else. the idea that i wasn't going to become a brother with these guys here made me sick. it really made me just want to disapear. i didn't realise that in such a small amount of time you could develop such tight friendships.
now...if only i knew what this jock strat is for......
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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
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2:35 pm - The mom factor
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i'm getting pretty sick of these emails and phone calls all the time. i know she's probably havin a rough time adjusting to me being gone and all but i'm not having one adjusting to her not being around. i am so sick of all this crap. i don't know why but just talking to her pisses me off. thats not too much of a change from how stuff was when i was still at home but i don't know. i'm just sick of it.
Other than that, nothing else is really going on. pledgeship hasn't started yet. i guess tomorrow will be our official begining now. we have started study tables from 7-11 sun-thurs. those are actually pretty good. they not only give me time to get stuff done but tire me out so when i get back i go right to sleep. although that will suck when pledge starts and the brothers have shit for us to do when we get back.
More than anything i'm ready to get started just so i know what's goin on. i'm sick of my imagination getting the best of me.
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Monday, August 30th, 2004
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2:52 pm - Headphones
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My left speaker in my headphone is alot quiter then my right. it's really really pissin me off. oh well though.
class is going well. pledgeship officially starts tonight...we'll see how that goes. i don't know what to really think. everyone says it will be rough, but they've made it really clear that it's not physical. so aside from long study tables and lots of cleaning i don't know what else they have planned. i'm worried, but there's no way this shit is gonna stop me from doin this. i love this house, i love these guys. so bring it on i guess.
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Thursday, August 26th, 2004
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5:48 pm - Back from the Dead
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Well I'm here. and it's fuckin awesome.
This school is the one place i want to be. honestly, everything here is exactly what i wanted out of college. exactly. and the aside from my my school choice, the best descision i think i've made is choosing the fraternity i have. Sig Chi.
They tell us it will be hard. but worth it. thats what i want. something that will be worth it. Besides that. my pledge class is a great group of guys. we're havin a blast already. the house is the best on campus. the gpa is the highest. the partying is the highest. whtat more can i ask for.
Last night we painted the bench. for those of you who don't know there's an ancient cement bench that is for seniors only. the fraternities have a tradition of going to paint the bench. each fraternity wants their colors on it first. we got it. it took 12 hours of guarding it, painting, sitting around in the rain, 2 trash cans full of beer. but we made it through the night. i'll post the pics as soon as Sean get's em up.
Haha, where else can you get an education that will take you someplace in life while drinking beer all night long in front of the president's office.
I fuckin love this place. all my classes are tomorrow. Poly Sci, Psych, French, and Brit Lit all in one day... woo hoo. the nice trade off is that my tuesday thursday's are class free. which meens i can probably set it up where i can work on campus and make some money without conflicting with my courses.
This place get's better every day. I fuckin love it.
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Friday, August 20th, 2004
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11:31 pm - Last Night
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This is my last night in my room. the last night in my house. with my family. wow. it feels like just yesterday i was a little kid. how time fly's huh?
I have a lot of the usual things on my mind. but foremost are my friendships. i hope beyond all hope that ryan ness kaki and i don't loose touch. i really don't want to imagine what it's like not hanging out with them.
Just in case i have to write my feelings. as if i'm saying one last goodbye:
Ryan- brother. friend. there hasn't ever been someone i've met that i felt so like. your friendship has been like having a twin who knows what i'm going to do or say before i say it. our friendship felt deep from the very begining and i want you to know how much it ment that you were there to have fun, but also keep me holdin my head up man. i know even if we loose touch now, (which we won't you fuckin hear me bitch?) we'll meet up again, b/c thats how shit works with us.
Ness- there aren't words that can quantify how much it is you meen to me. you were there through thick and thin. never one to let a moment go by when no one was smiling. the nights on the lake when you kaki and i just forgot about the world and talked like we were philosophers without any need for anyone else were awesome. you are a sister to me. i know you'll find happiness in life, because you don't have to look beyond yourself. you are a light to others. for that i am most grateful.
Kaki- the quiet one of our group, you were always there for me, and i was always there for you. don't let this nortc bs grind away your glow. you are so awesome, and my only wish for you is that you realize how beautiful a person you are physically as well as internally. i know we'll keep in touch, just keep your head held high girl, cause you're destined for the stars.
Now that i've said the things i can't say to their faces...i'm out. when i wake up, my new life starts. the life i'll live from now till, well till i stop living.
crazy shit.
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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
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1:24 am - Lyrics I don't Get
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The Killers - Somebody Told Me
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Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
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Every time i hear this song i think: What the fuck does that meen?! any ideas?
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Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
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11:36 pm - Two more days
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I'm gettin ready to head out. i still haven't packed up...i need ot do that tomorrow along with all my laundry so that i have clothes to take.
I feel like i should be really excited...and i am. but i feel really overwhelmed. like what if type of bullshit running through my head. 'what if i don't get into the frat i want' 'what if i have trouble finding friends' 'what if i don't get into classes i want' 'what if ......'
I know i'm my own worst enemy. haha....look at me. i'm becoming a little fuckin worry wort. where is my confidence?
Haha. ok i'm done. i really just can't wait.
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11:31 pm - Girl
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So i think i've led her on. we met at nationals. we came back here, hung out a lot. went on dates. but she's a senior and i'm off to college saturday.
I don't want a relationship. but this girl is awesome. she's so intelligent and personable. she's attractive...a little bigger then what i usually go for but that's superficial. she's still hot. just not my usual type.
I never told her we were a thing. but i think i may have led her to believe we were. i feel guilty ... sort of. here i am, this girl telling me i'm one of the coolest guys she's ever met. tellin me this stuff and me thinking...yeah...you're cool too. but i'm out of here in two days.
I don't know what to do. i meen. i am leaving. and i'm not going to have a relationship. so i guess i know what i'm doing. i'm just not proud of it.
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Sunday, August 15th, 2004
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3:26 pm - Packing
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I've started packing my stuff since i leave on saturday. now it's real. i am realizing now for the first time that i really am moving out...FINALLY!
Sure there is the whole leaving everyone but, i've come to the realization that those people who i would miss, the ones i consider family will never lose touch with me. even if they are goin out of state. ryan is the only one out of state i guess...kaki and ness are instate.
Wow...so this is what grown up feels like huh. good. haha. i fuckin love it!
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Friday, August 13th, 2004
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4:49 pm - The God thing
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This is seperate from the other post because it's to serious to be next to such a stupid post.
Allow me to lay some foundation. Ryan is a jew. Drew (that'd be me for those of you who haven't caught on) is a buddhist. ryan is my brother. thats how tight our friendship is. we think the same way abot things from gov't to religion. we have the same identical religous beliefs with one ... rather significant exception. God.
I've haven't believed in God since i was 7. when my parents got a divorce, i knew i was alone. i knew i was alone in the world and in the spiritual sense. from that point on i killed the concepts of my childhood and searched for my new identity.
I found that identity in buddhism. it's ideas mirror my own personal ideas, and it's pragmatism is attractive in a way that christianity could never be.
That said, i've alwasy easily dismissed the idea of the Christian and Islamic God. easily because it's ridiculous. permenant hell, and judgment coupled with a true being is for me dissmisable and absurd. thus i've alwasy been relatively comfortable with not believing in a god.
My assumption has always been that since Christ was a jew, that the god of the Christians would be the same as the god of the Jews. then i meet ryan. this kid who is for all intents and purposes me.
Here is this person who is intelligent, and shares my opinions. yet he believes in God! how can someone who sees the world through the same window i do possible believe in God? it has been throwing me for a loop and the more we talk about it the more it confuses me.
It confuses me because it's not that blind faith of the christians that i ripped from my mind years ago. it's a sense of knowing similar to the comfort i find in buddhism. and as a reform jew, he tells me how he doesn't think god is a judge and he doesn't think God steps in to meddle with our lives.
But thats not what got me. he tells me the idea of jewish heaven. that all people, regardless of faith or creed, or even actions will be reunited with God after death. some will have to pay time in a repentent pergatory but for relatively no time at all! even hitler i asked. 'even hitler'.
WTF! what is this?! where the hell did this come from?!
So here i am. i've answered all the questions that form a persons faith. my standing on abortion, politics, life. I've climed this mountain of decisions and am one step from the peak of the mountain. but i find myself not knowing whether to go left or right. this reform jewish concept of God is perplexing to me. it almost seems plausable...which scares me. it meens i'm not as sure as i thought i was.
The buddhist in me says it's irrelevant. it doesn't matter because i can never truly know whether a god exists or doesn't exist and therefore should live a life grounded in right actions. hell, even the jewish idea supports that since there is no permenant hell...but it still bugs me.
It bugs me because i would live my life in one way if i found that God was not. and in a different way if God was...or would i...this is my position.
Uncertainty is healthy, but frustrating none the less.
Deep down i feel this calling almost to return in some form to the God of my childhood. because in my childhood, i found a immature comfort in that God. yet simoultaniously, i can't bring myself to believe in that concept. a concept that seems to lack logic, and a concept i've spent so long ripping from my mind.
I know i can't ever find an answer. so i guess i listen to the Buddha, and to Ryan...i'll just have to live life.
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4:47 pm - 8 days
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8 days left till i'm off to school. i've been living up every shred of time i can. doing anything with any friend i can find. it's been a lot of fun, but now i'm havin to pack and shit, and thats somehting i keep putting off till the last second.
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Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
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10:02 pm - Not to shabby
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Nothin to bad. got some fuckin awesome shoes. and i think i need to enjoy this whole not paying thing because in 2 weeks i'm headed off to the real world. where i'll be a poor ass college student.
On a different note i have my ultrasound tomorrow. i'm a little nervous, but i won't know anything right away it wil take a week or so to find out what the ultrasound says.
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1:47 pm - Help
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I'm off to go get some things for school. my grandparents are coming with us. plus to this mess - they will pay for the stuff. minus to this mess - they will drive me fucking insane!
I'd ask for your blessings of strength, but i'm afraid there isn't enough strength nor enough people to bless me with it.
My only hope is for this to go quickly and painlessly..... ha ..... right.
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Sunday, August 8th, 2004
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10:51 am - Guns
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Guns don't kill people . . . . . Oh wait, yeah they do.
Great quote i found someplace. i get a kick out of it. i hope it pisses off a few of you right wing nutcases! you guys know i love to hate you.
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10:50 am - Back in action
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The depression is wearing off and i'm begining to take advantage of these last 13 days that i have left like i should be doing. ryan and i have been doin the party rounds, and sendin off the first of our friends to leave.
Nothing exciting really, i would relay all of the bullshit that happens at these drunken fests we have but who wants to read that? besides, what happens when you're drunk, is between you and your bros. period. ha.
Ness is back in town, we're headin out for dinner tonight. i love it when we go to dinner. we have the best conversations and have a great time. she's like this anchor in my life that whenever shit gets crazy she's always there to center me. that will be fun.
But now i'm off to my grandma's birthday bash. being that all my cousins are 30-something with children, my dad isn't going, nor is my sister, it will probably be boring. oh well though. i haven't seen everyonoe since christmas.
I'm out. oh wait, and for the record. CHASER PILLS WORK! they are a miricle drug, and if you created them and want a little ass on the side, here i am.
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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
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12:49 pm - Where did it all go
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I know i've been in this introverted state lately. so just skip over if ya don't wanna read, cause this shit needs to be put out there.
I woke up today and realized that for as long as i can remember i've just wanted to be older. i've wanted to be out of high school and in college and all grown up. now that i'm about to take that last step, i realize how awesome it was to not have to be grown up.
This idea that my friends and i will loose touch is killin me. i'm attached to them like family. they are my family. sure i won't miss most. but the idea that my brothers and my sisters (ryan, ness, kyle, kaki, hannah) will all be gone. and that we'll all move on. makes me feel helpless.
I know it's gotta happen. and i know the friends i make at school will be my friends for life, and probably my brothers in a deeper sense then anyone else. but that doesn't solve the fact that i've gotta drop these people. i think this all ties back to my parents divorce. to recoup from that i formed deep relationships with my friends and shunned my family.
now that my friends and i have to split, truely i'm left with no one. scary for me. but i'll make it. still. doesn't meen i can't wish that they weren't in this with me.
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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
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4:20 pm - Follow up
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The appointment went well as can be expected considering. the doc didn't really seem as concerned and said things looked to be alright and not to alarming. he is having me go for an ultrasound just to be sure. i guess we'll see.
I feel better now that he thinks things are alright. after all, he is the number one urologist in Indianapolis. ha, guess he would know what he's talkin about.
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Monday, August 2nd, 2004
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5:14 pm - The Appointment
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So it's tomorrow. i go to schidler to find out whats going on. it's not a hydrocele like last time. i know that (although i think the old one is still partially there). it's the tumor. it used to be the size of a pea. now it's more like a walnut.
I probably should have done something sooner. but in my mind i kept downplaying it. it's only been a few months though...i think. the problem is i don't remember it growing. i just remember finding it one day and being like damn. when the hell did that happen .
i imagine the ultrasound will be next. from there another surgery. the only twist will be on how serious it is. is it just a benign growth or is it cancerous. testicular cancer is the number one form among guys my age...and that grinds on me.
no point in worrying this thing out though. i will know what i have to do tommorrow.
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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
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10:51 pm - Thoughts...
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Well Nationals went well. we got third which was much better then i could have ever imagined us doing. more importantly, I met a girl there that is awesome. she and i were up all night (which is why after getting home i've been sleeping since 1 this afternoon) talking about eveyrthing there is to talk about. It's been a long time since i had to do this whole getting to know someone thing, but i feel ready. Whats odd is i feel really comfortable with her. really comfortable.
The other thing thats on my mind is the tests i have to get done with the doctor. i can't think about that now though as things will be what they will be and i can't do anything to change that situation right now.
Also. i'm a bit bummed. this whole moving out to college thing is gonna meen ryan and i probably won't see each other ever again which blows cause he is a friend of mine that i have felt close with in a way that i imagine is like havin a brother. hopefully that won't happen, but i'm not so naive to belive it's impossible.
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