Her Majesty's Blurty

Subject:	Cookie cookie. Ninety-nine cents.
Time:	1:21 am.

Today I:

* walked all 6 miles on the Gazelle since it was raining steadily all day. Hard. Work.
* watched a cancer episode of Arthur followed by a heart attack episode of Little People Big World
* remembered how much I love that Oprah/Black Eyed Peas video
* fell in love with Jim Halpert again
* wrote Tim a message regarding a picture I found on AFP
* got a "How ya been" type comment from Jenny
* ordered 28 Days Later for under five bucks!!!!!
* remembered I have to see A&E this weekend... ehhhh...
* was given some Halloween goodies from Mom, including two headbands, a nightlight, and some Lifesavers
* forgot Seth Meyers was at Wartburg tonight. Whoops.
* witnessed Nickolas finally getting kicked off of Project Runway--and Christopher getting saved from the bottom two yet again
* discovered the joys of Hulu for myself and watched the latest Treehouse of Horror episode (AWESOME)
* ate pickles with cream cheese before bed
* felt disgusting

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Ooh! The Irrigation Room!
Time:	8:14 pm.
Mood:	sore.
Music:	"Somebody to Love" - Queen.

Reading Harry Potter always makes me so happy.

In other news, the a-mail was sent. I just hope he feels free to take as much time as I did...

Speaking of mail, we got the letter from the OP today with a gift certificate for a free pizza as compensation for the kerfuffle we went through on Friday. Did I mention that it was Tim Mom complained to, and on the same day that he'd reached out to me after all these years? Well if the name "Tim" he gave her didn't confirm it, the letter did. And what's really weird is that his handwriting is EXACTLY the same as mine and I'd NEVER realized it before. It's actually kind of startling how similar they are. You can be sure I'll be in my room tonight scribbling out my mom's name and address a few thousand times just so I can compare. That's just the kind of girl I am--the creeper you've come to know and love. And be creeped out by.

And fuck you, Blurty, "creeped" is too a word.

I've been doing my six miles a day thing again since Sunday. For some reason the Gazelle part is getting a little tedious, but that can't stop me from doing it. My toes are starting to feel like they're twisting. I'm not sure that falls into the "no pain no gain" category, but what am I supposed to do, get toe braces? Oh, and my teeth have started hurting. Like either cavity or (yikes) wisdom teeth hurting, and I believe it's the later. Then again what do I know--I thought my wisdom teeth were coming in four years ago and wound up with an emergency root canal. Oh God.

Today Eugene stopped his van in front of me while we were walking, and for a moment I was really confused. I'd forgotten just how much he looks like Papa. Kind of made my day a little.

Oh, and on my way through the cemetery I noticed Jim-O on one side of the path lounging on his lawn mower and talking to a man in a truck or SUV on the other side. As I passed in between them, I looked up and Jim was flashing the peace sign again, so I laughed and nodded. "Two," he said. "She's got two today. Some days she has two dogs, other days just one of 'em. And sometimes she doesn't have any when they have the day off." The other man laughed. Cute.

I've felt really bloated lately. I feel like I have to use the bathroom all the time, but when I get there, not much of anything happens. Great. Just great. Whatever happened to those Olean diarrhea chips of yesteryear? Could really go for some of those right about now.

Well this ended up a lot more disgusting than I was anticipating.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Boys boys boys
Time:	1:47 am.

I've been working on my latest A-mail for a few hours now, and it's actually turning out to be surprisingly easy and amusing. I've decided to stop for the night though and review it a bit tomorrow before I send it. Right now I'm actually leaning towards not commenting on his "I want to travel and see the world, there's so much I want to do in life, blah blah blah" spiel at all, but we'll see what some less sleep-hazed thought has to say about that.

Tim is online right now. Writing me another message? I guess we'll see. After all these years, it just feels damn good to have my friend back.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Ha
Time:	12:24 am.
Mood:	thoughtful.

Haha.

Tim says he would like to... what's that word? Sort of like "hire" but more related to the arts. Well anyway, he wants to pay someone to paint some fairly large pieces of art for him. Contemporary ones--maybe abstract--with only a few colors (sounding familiar?). And I say to myself, "I can do that!" And I say to Tim... well, nothing.

Hahaha.

Feeling a little shitty today. Still got my six miles in, but what a chore! Didn't help that it was raining half the day as my nose predicted last night. I called RADA on an impulse and they told me they still had one opening for a seasonal position, so I got ready and drove over there, but in that amount of time they'd filled it. But really, I felt better after that situation than after any of my other job prospects on Industrial Street have left me feeling. I didn't even dress up completely going in because I'm tired of putting so much of myself into this and getting nothing in return but a mortified blush and an ever ballooning sense of failure. The lady there even seemed nice too. Damn.

Talked to Clint for an hour today. Nothing exciting. Mostly dog talk and both of us droning on about how confused we are. Apparently "I don't know" is the new bread and butter of my vocabulary. I guess I would have known that a long time ago if I ever talked to anyone but my parents anymore.

Realized while Gazelling that I've walked 36 miles this week. I just wish I had a better way of monitoring my progress than trying on my graduation gown and seeing how much it billows now. I did try on my prom dress a week or so ago, and that was a trip. It fit better than it did back then--it was even, dare I say it, a bit too big. Still I wouldn't mind having the chance to wear it again. I think I could rock it now in ways that 18-year-old Kelsey could ever imagine. Hey to the Ya.

edit: COMMISSIONED! The artsy-hired word is "commissioned." The more you know.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Dickety
Time:	11:08 pm.
Mood:	discontent.

Forgot to mention the other day...

It struck me on the 6th that I haven't made my applesauce in awhile. After reflecting for a moment, I realized it was a month to the day since I made it last. Strange, I thought. Then I remembered there were thirty days in September, so technically a full month would have gone by the following day. And on the 7th, without hardly a hint of a craving, I made a big bowl of applesauce.

Enough about that, though.

Tonight was the annual horse sale reunion with the relatives, and in continuing the tradition of years past, it was even more awkward and forced this time. I should not have gone. Ugh. Amy told me I'm "looking good," but that just reinforces my notion that Mom is telling everyone I'm trying to lose weight, which is the last thing I want. I'd prefer the results to speak for themselves, and that way if I screw up, I won't have the greater population of my immediate world watching anxiously at the sidelines.

New A-mail today. It was a bit of perfect timing too, as I really wanted the diversion, first of all, and secondly, today was the first day I said "Okay, now" instead of "please not today, please not today" when I checked my inbox. It started out with a bit of flattery which I was more than happy to receive, as it related to my artistic abilities and not to my eyewear this time. But then it got worse. He mentioned traveling the world again, not once, but THREE times. THREE! He said he even had a long, deep discussion about his future plans with his friend. If Emma has taught me anything it's not to make serious assumptions about the feelings of others before they reveal them to us. Then again, she had no idea Mr. Knightley was in love with her when it was obvious to the rest of us (well, me anyway). Am I wrong to suppose that here is one of the places he wants to visit? Unfortunately for him, that's still the last thing I want at the moment. And the contrasts between him and the other pet of my secret dotings, Jack, aren't doing the poor fellow any service. Oh, great. What to say, what to say... or as my hero would have it, "So how should I presume?"

Mom's made pumpkin bars for her trip tomorrow, despite the great pumpkin shortage of Ought Nine. Smells gorgeous.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Yee
Time:	1:52 am.

I had the most unusual walk today. The world was in tumult--I left the house and one half of the sky was blue and glowing, the other side dark gray and brooding. The most playful of rains trickled down on me for a moment near the beginning, but I knew it would be short lived since the clouds were moving so quickly and beyond the raincloud was sunlight. And the wind! It was blowing my hood up for me, then whipping it back down. Then there would be these breaks of eerie stillness when the sky would open up and the sun shone right over me, warming me even though it was cold all around. It was like being in the eye of a tornado. In one of these moments, I thought to myself that this must be what it feels like to be loved. And the world seemed to answer. So I carried on an audible conversation with no one and with everyone, with the world and with myself (so long as I could be fairly certain no one was withing listening distance or near enough to see). There was just this spark all about me, and it felt as if someone truly was listening. Later of course, it began pouring down upon me and I had to head for home prematurely, but I'd prefer a million walks like that one to my one mile on the Gazelle. Yeesh.

Anyway.

So you know how I have these weird Emma like thoughts about Jack? How I've met him once, and that three years ago, and now I suddenly get the impression that we'd make a good pair? Well, apparently we have something else in common. Something he just changed on his profile.

He talks to himself a lot.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Don't Stop Believin'
Time:	9:22 pm.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	"Right As Rain" - Adele.

"I don't know you, but from your wall . . . I think you are probably the coolest, funniest person on here. Love, love, love the Buddy Holly thing. Going to check out your artwork now." - Lisa

Ha. Thanks, Miss Fults :)

Edit to yesterdays post: walked SEVEN miles. Followed by another 4(.1) today. Whew!

Mom made Chex Mix tonight. OH. MY. GOD. It's weird... now that I'm losing weight I'm starting to realize how very happy really good food can make me. And I don't feel bad about that. Chex Mix, for instance, makes me giggle with happiness because 1.) it's de-fucking-licous, 2.) we rarely have it, and 3.) it reminds me of the holidays. So what's there to feel guilty about? Good ice cream can make me do the same thing. And non-foodwise, fireworks. I'm a strange girl.

Journey was on Oprah today--the new and improved Journey, that is, with the fabulous Arnel Pineda. It was so good I actually cried and applauded. What a cutie.

Ha, I added Ross on FB today. Yikes.

Apparently I'm a fan of short stupid quips at the end of my sentences now. Thanks, writing degree.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	You only want what everybody else says you should want.
Time:	3:01 pm.
Mood:	cold.
Music:	"Blame it on the Girls" - Mika (still!).

Did my four miles in constant drizzle today. It wasn't bad, really, except for the shoes, socks, and jeans being soaked through. I think I'm going to try doing another mile on the Gazelle tonight; after my two mile walk yesterday, I did two more on the Gazelle at night with relative ease. In the process of my last mile I somehow even managed to get seven-tenths done in twelve minutes without even trying. That has to be a good sign, right?

Cody W. asked me to be his FB friend today. Weeeird. And I accepted. Weeeird. Now if Jon Anderson should follow suit, I really don't know what I would do. Besides chortle heartily, I mean.

I ran into Mom putting out stop signs on my way out of the woods. Lily was EXCITED. I love it--Mom finally has a grandbaby. At least I'm hoping she'll be satisfied with that for the time being... because ew. Babies.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	I said, "Dude... your perspective on life sucks."
Time:	12:14 am.
Mood:	cheerful.
Music:	"Blame It On The Girls" - Mika.

I just saw a recent picture of Tim, and he looks awful. He's really ballooned out since breaking up with Lady L. Huh. Maybe she was good for him after all.

The thought that I could be smug over this turning of the tables has crossed my mind, but honestly I'm not. I've been having all sorts of feelings about this process lately, and smugness hasn't played any part in them yet. When I hear so many other people mentioning getting a gym membership I think to myself, "Ha. Good luck with that," but not because I think I'm any better than they are--they just happen to be people I have little faith in when it comes to commitment. I seem to have that part of it under control so far, so yes, I suppose in that respect I'm a little proud. But is that so wrong? That's kind of why I started this to begin with. Okay, so I really started it because of Andrew, but the idea of committing and applying myself in some way I have total control over has been the driving force behind my actions. Now that I'm starting to see results, shouldn't I feel better about myself? I do. And if occasionally when people tell me they want to lose weight too I get a bit resentful at the potential competition, the thoughts are swiftly replaced by more positive assessments. She is doing this for her, I say, and she is doing this to be healthy. I support her decision. A little positive thinking can go a long way. And who knows, maybe a little pretend competition will do me good. ;)

Maybe that's why when I think of Tim now, I don't want to make him feel bad about how he's let himself go... I just want him to see me again some day and think "Damn, what was I thinking?"

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Basket of Kisses
Time:	2:10 pm.
Mood:	cold.

I really, really want my belly to be full of steaming hot mashed potatoes right now.

Mmm.

I really don't even like mashed potatoes all that much.

My tastes seem to be changing as of late. Whether or not it's a result of this weight loss thing I don't know, but I find myself enjoying things I couldn't care less about before and passing up things I used to practically inhale. For instance, lately I crave: fresh fruits, pancakes, hash browns, fish, pasta, and vanilla ice cream/custard. And I often pass up: pickles, pickles with ham and cream cheese, turkey, chocolate, cheese (well, sometimes), regular soda (I NEVER drink this anymore), chips, mayonnaise (it makes me sick), and french fries.

Go me.

In other news, the response I've been getting from my "Rhodart" makes me want to paint again. It also makes me want to look at my John Waters "Place Space" book again :)

Village of the Damned on TCM next month! Get excited!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	First Frost Tonight
Time:	10:22 pm.

I can't decide if I'm happy because I've tried to have a positive attitude over the past few days, or if I have a positive attitude because I'm happy. But hey, who the hell cares? I'm happy AND I have a positive attitude!

I've been publishing a lot of things on FB--the Easter video, some new photos of me, and a shot of my Rhoda art--and I've been adding friends and writing people I'd normally have nothing to do with. Suzanne and Lori, for starters. Still not sure how I feel about it all--publishing anything on there generally makes me nervous, and this is just over the top by my standards. Oh well. Don't even think about it.

Phone date with Wes tomorrow. She wants me to listen to Kris' song while she's on the phone with me so she can hear my reaction. Creeeper. Seriously, that's a whole lotta weird, pal. Whatever. I'll do it because I'm trying to be a better friend.

Still need to send E a card or something regarding her departed grandfather... ugh.

I watched Annie Hall the other night for the first time in years, and shortly before I was half done, I realized I really didn't need it anymore. Sold. Shipped today. Next, please.

What else, what else. Mom had yesterday off, so we went shopping in Waterloo. Got a lot of new Halloween decorations... actually, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's all I got. Awesome.

Anyway. Actually, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's all I got. Awesome.

Comments: Add Your Own.