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Blurty for Rachel.
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| Thursday, January 16th, 2003 |
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i was reading some of my friends journals earlier today that are on dead or live journal .com. i've come to the realization that they have a life. they all seem to have someone to live for. i haven't found anyone yet. i highly doubt i ever will, i always find something wrong with someone. oh well. i am desenseitized numb to the inner core of my being, i haven't really cried for someone ever. it sucks i wish i could. i wish i had that feeling of wanting something so much that is so bad for you. i don't really care anymore about things. maybe its my bipolar disorder i have but i have my doubts. i've always wondered if a doctor ever gives up on his patients because he can find no way to help them at all. quote from kobains journal "drug use is escapism whether you want to admit it or not" i need another outlet but so far there hasn't been a flashlight of hope shining, blinding, in my eyes so i'll stick with this one next weekened is all i have to say |
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| so tired. i went to the dentist today for a regular checkup that ur supposed to get every 6 months. my app. was at 10 so of course i had to sit there for an hour waiting because the people are slow. when it was finally my turn i was asleep, damn you to hell school! ugh i had a shitload of homework this week thank god tomorrow is friday. this week just sucked....hard. | ||||||||
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| Monday, January 13th, 2003 |
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don't get me wrong i love emo but i always get really deperessed when i listen to it. i think its because of how much i can relate to the lyrics, i fucking hate it. oh read these song lyrics its a fucking sad song it makes me cry. on my way to work there is a car parked where the block begins and there are people singing praises say it's all because of him and there is a bird perched on a frayed wet wire and his voice sings out for a lover but its covered by the choir of voices reaching way beyond the rafters with devotion they perform these sacred tasks they cross themselves and offer up their checkbooks slight suffering is not too much to ask besides we all are making money and we are all fucking alone and we don't know what we are doing maybe just buying us some hope because we know that we are lonely yeah, lonely that's for sure and the older ones are coughing and the older ones are dying maybe we are all dying i pass a graveyard on my way to work today i saw two dozen white roses on a fresh new mound of dirt and i wondered about the occupant when the darkness finally swallowed him was he calm and content or was he sweating in a struggle to keep breathing, ripping apart the sheets that dressed his bed crying out loud for someone to help him and collapsing on his back all pale and dead maybe it's me who's this unstable always obsessed about the end why can't i let what happens happen? and just enjoy the time i spend oh how i wish it was so easy but when there is no point to anything it can get a bit confusing why is that i keep going? why is that we keep going? |
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well i fucked up some more people today. sorry ben i didn't mean to make you feel bad. sorry JC for pissing you off last night. you guys won't believe me because you're like that but i really truely mean it i'm sorry. today in band i felt like i was stoned i'm not really sure why, my head just kept on spinning and i felt really good. Maybe it was the temperature change, finally got the heat on in the band room. great i have jazz band tonight, its not bad and stuff its just i feel out of place like a cube trying to fix into a star shaped hole it just won't fit because it doesn't belong. ok enough thought rachel, go get your home work done. i miss having a boyfriend. reguards, Rachel |
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| Sunday, January 12th, 2003 |
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| i dont want to do this history paper i really don't. why mr. walker did you have to do this to us. i've barely even started and its due in 3 days this is great. it really is. i'm thinking weather or not i should even do this stupid fucked up paper. its the end of the marking period and i have a 96 in history how much is it going to affect my grade? | ||||||||
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well its 11:57 am, i just woke up, all of my friends have places to go today like to their friends houses, while i once again am stuck at home. i am a loser. someone please call me or something............................... i'm on quizilla again, that site is so fucked up, but i am bored, oh look a self mutilation quiz i think i'll take it. heh..... wow i'm cutting so suprized, no not me. i kinda figured that i'd get that. kevin if u ever read this what the fuck did u mean on friday "god rachel, how could u sink so low?" kevin u confuse me and probably every one else in the world except for yourself, no you confuse your self as well. god a big ass flock of crows just flew by my house that is really creepy. |
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| Saturday, January 11th, 2003 |
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| milk tastes really bad after a while, you just get sick of it, kind of like certain people. i'm playing my guitar right now, i think i may of found something i'm really passionate about. do you know what that feels like. i've found someone to live for so i guess i wont be contemplating sucide for a while sorry u guys for putting up with it. i love you all very dearly. well as for me i may as well go back to bed because i'm getting yelled at and i can't stand it anymore. so goodnight or shall i say goodmorning. later | ||||||||
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Blurty for Rachel.
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indifferent.
sleepy.
melancholy.
bored.