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Friday, March 14th, 2008
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2:51p - New Strange
That's how this started. Now it's spiraled all crazy-like into the sort of strange that no one ever intends. Not a complaint, just wondering how the hell it got here. I always seem to back into these things, but this thing has me in a place I'm unaccustomed to. It's an insecure place that has me a tiny bit jealous and oddly pensive.
I think I like it. We'll see how real life is soon, though. Two months sober will take the shine from even hazel eyes. Odd to not be sure, to feel like I have to be careful, but without the nagging surety that I'll fuck it up somehow. Makes sense to me, eff off.
Do I go searching for the chaos, or am I being tailed? Seems like there's always so much on my plate. I love to be busy, but I hate the feeling of neglecting the people I miss. Aye, well.
What we've got to learn here is how to reject the parasite for it's nature, without pity for it's heart. How can one say, "you're no good for me", without facing the responsibility of comforting someone on the loss of you? Without assuring them it's not them, even though it is? Not personal, but only that my core is of clay, too easily impressed upon, especially by the overt and ungentle.
And where is this, now? Awkwardness has long been ours, but now it's not backed by the unconditional. Of course, if even a shred of that backdrop remains, then this is still a co-operative selfdestruction.
Now I know that love can transform, slide roughly but intact to a new place, I know there is no need for this silly pretzel bend of consideration so that another person may be shellacked against the rain is foolish. I only wish that I knew how to show another how important they are without going over the line.
I'm done.
current mood: cactus
current music: brrrring! (comment on this)
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