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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
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3:42p - (no subject)
It's been a while. In fact, months. I finally snapped. Then I bent. Then I snapped again. Then, I gave. Lastly, I snapped and barely made it out. You know, one day I'm going to figure out what all this is about. I'll probably cry, because it will probably be painfully simple, and I will feel infinitely more so.
I am...a "breaker". That word isn't really the right one, but it is one. I specialize in destruction and pillage. Any way I can, I rip and tear and scream in the face of every heart I receive. Sometimes, they reciprocate, sometimes they don't and it's worse.
Am I incapable of being alone? Or am I just unable to bear guilt? Is it a dependency or an eternal sinner issue. The self-infliction points sharply to the everlasting bad person. I hate to be faced with my own autonomy. I hold it in front of me like a protective charm, but when it's in MY face, I feel utterly...unfit. My decisions have too much effect. Therefore, I am nearly unable to make one that hurts anyone, until it's too late.
Maybe I am unable to really love. Maybe it is just a game. Maybe I should take Mama up on that counseling thing. Maybe I'm looking for a scapegoat, inside. Maybe I'm already broken. Maybe...just maybe
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