"Tell me I'm a pussy and you're hotter than me..."   
12:07pm 22/07/2003
mood: curious
music: KoRn- Clown
Anger inside builds within, ugly.
Why'd you hit me? What have I done?
You tried to hit me.

Scream at me again, if you like.
Throw your hate at me, with all your might.
Hit me cause I'm strange, hit me.
Tell me I'm a pussy and you're hotter than me.
What's with you boy? Think hard.
A tattooed body to hide who you are.
Scared to be honest, be yourself.
A cowardly man!

I don't run around, trying to be what's not within me.
Look into my eyes, I am free.
You're just a wanna - be!

To come out.

Hit me clown because I'm not from your town, no, hit me clown.

Clown you ain't shit, turn around, get your face split.

You're just too fucking little!
I'm just a fucking mental!

This is how I feel today. I'm ready to whoop some fucking ass. Who knows why?! No one...not even me. Stay outta my way asshole. Especially if you're Jessi.


~§Wow...I feel better§~
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"Underneath the bridge..."   
04:49am 04/07/2003
mood: irate
music: Nirvana- Pennyroyal Tea
The show fucking sucked the other night. I spent the whole night smoking and feeling like shit...wanna guess why?? Yeah...you know why. But I can't say it because someone might get mad. So FUCK YOU. And FUCK your worthless little dreams.

~§Hatred is taking over§~
     Read 8 - Post
Just let it go...   
04:48am 04/07/2003
mood: creative
music: Cold- Suffocate
Just let it go. Things won't ever be the same...you're life's going to change. Just let it go. And if things get too hard before I get back, I left a razor blade sitting on the counter for you...I'm sure you know what to do.

That's a quote from my new song. It's very cool and I'm very proud of it. You'll hear it at my next show.

~§...I'm sure you know what to do§~
     Read 1 - Post
"To Face Another Day" - For Shari   
09:39am 28/06/2003
mood: contemplative
music: Hole- Violet
I squint into the sun's bright light.
I had been left to wither in darkness for far too long.
I grew brave,
I grew strong.
And now I step out into the bright sun...
To face another day.

Shari really upsets me when she says she wants to end her life.

Shari...I posted this poem for you. Everytime you see it or read it...I hope it gives you a little more strength, to know there is a tomorrow. And no matter how dark your world is, or how many things in your life come crashing down...there's always tomorrow to pick yourself back up and look life straight in the face and say "I'm still here asshole." And just live...even if just to defy life. If the things in your life that are bad, make you want to die...live. Just out of pure deviance, defiance. You're still there...you're going to be there for a while. Just live.

~§I love myself and I want to live§~
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No Title   
08:48am 28/06/2003
mood: sore
music: Nirvana- Something In The Way
Silence rings in my ears.
I can't hear anything else but
It's forever locked inside of my mind.
I'm sorry...I try to listen to you...
But this bloody silence blocks you out.

Darkness clouds my mind.
I can't see anything else but
It's forever looming over my head.
I'm sorry...I try to see you...
But this fucking darkness blocks you out.

Pain eats at my body.
I can't feel anything but
It's forever seeping into my body.
I'm sorry...I try to feel you...
But this godamned pain blocks you out.

I love this poem.

Leave me comments assholes.

~§What the hell were you thinking?§~
     Read 1 - Post
Ode To A Father   
12:44pm 26/06/2003
mood: enraged
It rises in my throat,
The words I want to say.
All that comes out is a muffled scream.
I can't see which way to look,
My eyes are covered.
Take your fucking hands off of my eyes before they get scorched
From the heat of my hatred.
My hands are tied by your rope,
My feet are chained by your shackles.
Take your hand from my mouth,
There's something I want to say.
Your hand is gone and yet I still can't talk.
Take your hand off of my throat.
No matter how hard I try,
There's no getting away from you.
You keep me in a prison.
And there's nothing I can do,
Except watch you keep my life in a glass jar.
You kept me a little girl for as long as you could.
And now you can see your chains starting to melt away as I learn my own strength.
Confused...another poem   
09:48am 26/06/2003
mood: apathetic
I hope to one-day see light.
I hope to one day not be a burden to those who love me.
I hope one day for peace,
Within me.
To be plagued by yourself everyday is a blunder I am not yet ready to accept.
I plague myself with my own problems,
That I create.
I try to break down my walls,
And be honest with myself...
With you.
Something inside of me won't let me...
Maybe it's you.
Take your hands from my eyes
Then I may be able to see.
But I fear the light will be too much,
For they aren't used to seeing things for themselves.
You always tell me what I am seeing.
It feels dry,
You tell me its water.
It feels hot,
You tell me its ice.
It feels cold,
You tell me its love.
You are such a confusing contradiction,
That I've almost lost my ability to look away,
And leave things like they should.
You have made me believe that I need you,
When I should have trusted my instincts.
I used to be strong,
And I will be once again.
Just as soon as you go away,
And stop plaguing me.
Sometimes you're like a disease that doesn't go away.
I can feel you throughout my body,
Ruining me.
Killing me.
I fear that if you pealed the flesh from my body,
You wouldn't find what's inside of me...
It would just be another you.
Turn this around.
Around and around...
Like a carousel.
I get dizzy,
Everything I look at distorts...
But then I look at you...
And you are still.
You aren't moving,
When all the world is moving and changing,
Coming and going...
You are still there.
But I want you to be moving.
I want you to come and go.
Hush my little one...Be still.
Now I'll quietly sneak away.
     Read 1 - Post
09:44am 26/06/2003
mood: pissed off
Fate is against me.
(Sors salutis.)
I know...I can almost see those ugly women spinning my fate.
Laughing as they take parts of the tapestry out,
Ripping the threads of my life away.
And now you plague me too.
(Michi quoque niteris.)
I want to rip your fate apart.
Take away everyone you love.
So you can know how it feels.
You fade away to nothing.
(Tu dissolubilis)
Take it away.
Take away all the turmoil.
Just burn the tapestry of my life.
Yes...you've wasted time on my worthless piece of cloth.
Because it's not my problem anymore.
"Careful what you're feeling on the inside..."   
09:18am 26/06/2003
mood: hot
music: Finger Eleven- Stay In Shadow
I'm really tired...and pissed off. Incredably pissed off for some reason. If I figure out why...you'll be the first to know.

It's too damn hot in here. I have almost nothing to do today...have to find a pack of cigs...that's a must-have. That's really sad...they say people relate to their cigarettes more than they do to other people. I believe it!!

Man...I can't find a Finger Eleven songs without the little whooshy sounds in it. Damn unreleased album shit. Oh well. I'll get over it.
**************************************************Here's a poem

Fuck all your 'love' bullshit.
Fuck all of your pride.
Fuck the way you look at me.
Fuck the way you hide.
Fuck all the things you do to me.
Fuck all things you say.
Fuck your whole worthless existence.
Fuck you if you stay.
Fuck your girlfriend until she bleeds.
Fuck yourself for me.
Fuck everything I loved about you.
Fuck me because I am naive.

I love that poem. I wrote that a while back about a guy named Charlie Cook...if you ever see him on the street...bury your knee in his balls and run away...just run away.

~§Because I am Naive§~
What Brand of Sexy Are You???   
09:41pm 24/06/2003
mood: ditzy
music: Liz- Talking
Heather Kozar is cute sexy.
You have that childlike thing going on. White
cotton panties and bobbysocks seem to be your
calling card. Why don't we take some of those
stuffed animals off your bed and kick it up a

What's your brand of sexy?
brought to you by Quizilla
"I see your inner motives..."   
09:32pm 24/06/2003
mood: aggravated
music: Linkin Park- Somewhere I Belong
Fuck you guys. No one leaves comments anymore.

~§And for that...I hate you§~
     Read 1 - Post
What famous Gay Icon are you???   
11:18am 23/06/2003
mood: crazy
music: Revis- Spin
You are Tori Amos. You are a bit eccentric, but it
doesn't matter because you have a huge
following, and if someone doesn't like you,
your gay following will kill them. Go you...

What famous gay icon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
"When all your lies become your truths..."   
09:49am 21/06/2003
mood: chipper
music: Michelle Branch- Are You Happy Now?
Well I ended up not going to Bible School the other night...it's cool though. I realized I hadn't written in here yesterday. ::sigh:: I'm a little tired.

Chris said he has a surprise for me tonight. I have no idea where it is. Well...I think I have a little idea, but he's unpredictable.

I didn't like Michelle Branch at first...but she's cool. At least she's got some talent...unlike FUCKING AVRIL LAVIGNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate Avril...just because I get compared to her all the time when I'm playing shows. Just because I play guitar. Avril Lavigne likes to think she can play guitar...but she doesn't. I do like her music though. I can rock out to that shit.

Time to go back to sleep...and find something to do.

~§Everything's groovy...for now§~
"Love and hate..."   
09:15pm 19/06/2003
mood: bouncy
music: Bush- Comedown
I'm so restless. I haven't done anything all day. Saw Shari...she brought my amp back. Waiting to go to Bible School tonight. That's about it...nothing new.

I've been so happy these past few days...but Chris was kind of ((I SAID KIND OF)) a meany butt yesterday. I didn't feel good and I guess I was acting weird or mean or something, so he in turn was mean. I'm still pretty happy though. Maybe I've just become oblivious to all of the pain and suffering permeating me. I really don't care. Ignorance is bliss.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. La la la. Bored, bored, bored. Come on guys...leave some comments.

~§Your suicidal Barbie§~
     Read 1 - Post
I'm so sad.   
06:52pm 18/06/2003
mood: indescribable
music: Talking- Liz
I'm so fucking sad.



§Someone take away this pain§~
     Read 1 - Post
Retraction of previous statements...   
04:42pm 18/06/2003
mood: giddy
music: Linkin Park- Faint
I just wanted to put on here...cuz it seems as though I pissed some people off with my journal. I had no idea that many people read it, but anywayz...

Apparently...I said something about people who tell me Chris has said shit about me. I said that Tom told me something. Tom never said that Chris talked shit about me, but he DID say stuff about Chris being frustrated with me a lot...that's what I meant. Sorry Tom.

Just wanted to put that. I don't like my friends being mad at me.

~§Fuck this life§~
     Read 1 - Post
Finger Eleven   
07:49am 18/06/2003
mood: exanimate
music: Eric's Song- Liz...hehehe
Finger Eleven's new cd came out yesterday. I'm so excited I'm about to pee on myself...but that hasn't happened yet lol. I haven't heard it but I hear it kicks some major ass.

I must have this cd. It will be mine...oh yes...it will be mine.

~§Damn, I'm sleepy§~
     Read 1 - Post
"I'm afraid to come back home..."   
02:28pm 17/06/2003
mood: ecstatic
music: Staind- Home
I am so happy right now. I don't know why. Everything just seems so great. I feel the best I've felt in like 3 years. Maybe my life's gonna change, and I can feel like this all the time.

I'm feeling like I can fly...well...I'm not gonna try.

~§Everything's gonna be ok§~
     Read 1 - Post
How I feel...   
10:53am 17/06/2003
mood: flirty
music: Coheed and Cambria- Godsend Conspirator
Hold in your last breath and stare.
Assure me your metronomes' left arm stick shift is stuck on the right words in
your ear.
Did you hear me loud and clear? In sight and out of mind?
Cautiously avoiding the cracks not to disturb your steadied arm straight line.
The facts before a climb... a plan before a crime.
Tired in the days that passed away sporadically arranged across the floor
when you've got it made...

Dear Mariah, the world's not big enough for the both of us when we live in the
same town, that's wrong.
Fight on fire fight on fire I burn my hands ‘till I got nothing left to count
my numbers on that's wrong, What's wrong?

Your wise ass comments could cheer you up.
The emotional disturbance: relax deep breath sit back from the space in which
you stand, here and in demand.
Don't touch a fresh wound that bleeds all over your carpets the stains,
the story book remains, and the page that states you've lied.
Accept and then reply, acknowledge the other guy, tired in the days that passed
sporadically arranged across the floor when you've got it made.

Dear Mariah, the world's not big enough for the both of us when we live in the
same town, that's wrong.
Fight on fire I burn my hands ‘till I got nothing left to count my numbers on

Don't change your mind when all's been won
your words in time, with the loss that you'd let them go.
Don't let them fall if your grip's not strong
in time decide... with the words you let go
Don't let them fall if your grip's not strong.

Dear Mariah come sleep in your own bed
Dear Mariah come sleep in your own bed
Dear Mariah come sleep in your own bed
well dear Mariah come sleep in your own .
When eye meets eye be calm
we'll lie here alone locked the children in the floor.
When eye meets eye be calm
we'll lie here alone locked the children in the floor
when eye meets eye
don't be calm it lasts forever
We'll lie here alone locked the children in the floor.
Start to figure out suspicion be a coming home to you.
Who sat me down here?
Your dreams can't last forever

I love these lyrics...this is how I feel.

~§Just love me§~
You know...   
09:17am 17/06/2003
mood: pissed off
music: Marilyn Manson- Coma White
You know...I had told myself that this was going to be a good day. Thanx a lot self. Now I feel bad about making Chris feel bad.

~§I wish I didn't have a concience.§~