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Emily's Journal
I'm turning the pages with a strange sense of deja vu
And while the story continues, the chapter is new.
It seems a strange place for a new title and break.
Didn't I just read this, was there a printing mistake?
Same setting, same faces, same general plot;
Yet I feel it's not right, it's different in spots.
Small things not noticeable to those looking in
But my pages are marked, highlighting where they had been:
Chicken noodle soup and nights in the rain,
Laughter and tears and popping champagne,
Painting and costumes and wal-mart endeavors,
Music and love and strawberry fields forever.
And I'm missing your presence as the story proceeds
Still turning the pages and continuing to read.
My knuckles are white and I'm biting my tongue,
Fists clenching, heart racing, thoughts can't be undone.
Trying so hard not to have to be right,
But you see the accusation in my eyes despite
My assurances that it's fine and it's not your fault.
Unfair anger towards those doing their best to get happy results.
Because bumps in my road are easier to blame
But not saying the words still makes it the same.
You hear my words through those unspoken thoughts,
Just as blaming and hurtful as a direct insult.
While I'm praising myself for holding it inside,
I'm missing the hurt and not hearing your sighs.
While I've obviously perfected the art of holding back,
I've realized I have more steps to re-track.
I have strength to control not only my actions but thoughts:
A goal long overdue that it's about time I sought.
Feeling weighed down by this gut wrenching fear
That threatens to consume you as that day draws near.
Looking ahead and all you know is unknown
And as much as you wish, the day can't be postponed.
Voluntarily leaving a good life behind,
You feel like it's crazy, and you're scared what you'll find.
Uncertainty ahead as your life takes a turn
And fear that it won't be the same upon your return.
While change is uncomfortable and even tough
Staying behind would not be enough.
It's your turn to face the world
And I know you will struggle as your life is unfurled.
But I also know your strength inside
That you'll discover when you fear it has died.
Because from our struggles we grow and learn
And the greater the risk the more you can earn.
Think of my story and the struggles I faced
And the comfort and happiness now in their place.
Trust me when I say it will be good, even great,
Adventures ahead and good memories await.
The stories fluttering behind my eyes
tend to vanish with first light,
But this morning as I raised my head
your memory held tight.
And the more I tried to shake you
the more you did ignite.
How did you manage to find
your way into my mind?
I made sure not to leave a map
when leaving you behind.
Somehow I forget the power
of memories to bind.
I forget the power
of lives that were intertwined.
And even in my dreaming mind
you challenged me to question.
The sturdy ground on which I stood
is shaken with suggestion.
So now I stand here needing
to know his feelings and expressions.
Still not knowing what this means,
but starving for conversation or confession.
It scares me that I can count on one hand
The people I see when I look around
Who understand me where I stand
Yet still knew me when I walked closer to the ground:
When I believed in magic and had dreams far too great
When I couldn't make it through a night away from my bed
When I first stayed out way too late
When I first picked up a needle and thread
When I let my hair curl and laughed at my 'fro
When I first kissed a boy and guarded my heart
When it was the cool thing to wear a bow
When I worried too much about being smart
When I took that first sip and let myself fall
When I was told I couldn't carry a tune tune
When I spent way too much time in a horse's stall
When I walked into the snack bar that first june
Each moment mine, none too great or unimportant
But few understand their place in my story
And that troubles me to some extent
Because life is shaped by past strife and glory
ehhh not sure how I feel about this one, I've been struggling.
It was comfortable but somewhat lacking,
And I freak out on ice thats cracking.
Expectations held too high
Like reliving summer 2005.
I spent the night before with my face in the grass,
With nerves more delicate than fine blown glass.
Wanting each moment to say it all
But unsure of the line and scared to fall.
So settling to just be there,
While inside I can feel the wear.
Am I thinking too much or did you notice too?
Hoping for perfection but feeling askew.
My head reeled as the tires began to spin
What are you thinking? What am I feeling within?
Until I realized perfection is not what I need
And I'll follow this crazy life where it leads.
I like to write poems that rhyme
I don't do it for you, I don't do it for a dime
You can call it childish and even laugh
But I do it on my own behalf
I rhyme to make sense of my life
To share my joy and ease my strife
I rhyme to break through my shield
I rhyme until my secrets are revealed
I find comfort in the pattern of the lines
And pride in knowing that they're mine
Sometimes a rhyme is all I've got
To capture feelings that simple words cannot
So here I go, now's the time
To lose myself in a common rhyme
The perfect mix
The perfect device
The perfect mix
When words won't suffice
Some slow
Some fast
Some rock
Some roll
But in the end
I have one goal
To speak to you
To touch your soul
Each verse
Each note
Each beat
Each stubborn rhyme
I analyzed
With you in mind
To tell you what
My words could not
"We're not," "It doesn't make sense,"
I stubbornly reply
When they notice my smiles,
A little too wide.
They refuse to agree
I laugh and smile wider.
They see my eyes twinkle
And judge you the provider.
Because my forgotten smile
has finally returned
And my eyes light up
rather then yearn
Things are so simple
but life makes them confusing
I don't want to feel
like I'm losing
I'm not even fully
done unpacking
Yet I already question what
I know is lacking
I still know
"It doesn't make sense."
But somehow I now care much less
about that defense
an old one that I found and I like
10/3/05
A silhouette of real moments
And I'm an addict craving a fix
Strike a pose, force a smile
Why am I so dependent on these memories?
Proving to myself that I exist