happy   
10:07pm 07/01/2005
  its amazing how schizophrenic i look on this thing.
i had a good break up until new years. then it was awesome. i'm a lucky girl and i don't think i know how lucky. guess the unexpected is always the most fun.
 
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update   
09:26pm 30/11/2004
 
mood: exanimate
music: postal servicer
so this has been a long semester. boyfriend, surgery, dad's stroke, and the list goes on. i don't really know what to think to tell you the truth. i don't really care about grades or school. i just kinda coasted through.
i came to the realization today that i give too many chances. i used to think that everyone warranted a second or third or fourth chance for that matter. now i know i was naive. i should have stopped talking to him a while ago. because everyone was right. i thought he was misunderstood, but i see that i was misled. i don't even know what i liked about him any more. i think its just weakness on my part. mike tells me all the time that i need to stop being nice to people like him but i just don't see that happening. yes i've realized that mike was right and he was a jerk but that doesn't matter. i'll just let it slide; like i always do. i wonder sometimes why i even bother with the whole relationship game. i feel like its a waste. i care about mike but i just don't know if he sees me for me. i don't even know if he tries to. and that hurts but of course i don't say anything. i said earlier i give too many chances. well it doesn't look like thats going to change. sometimes i think that its just too much to think that there is a happy ending. i live my life telling others to search for rainbows in each second but sit at home and cry because in an ironic twist i'm colorblind.
 
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Back in action   
06:35pm 17/07/2004
 
mood: bouncy
so i'm back in the states and finally updating. Africa was incredible and i had so much fun there. being back in the states is so much more fun tho. i missed my friends so much and of course my family. no job as of yet. i'm spending my time relaxing and gathering my thoughts. haven't really had too much time to myself yet, but i plan to get some me time in.
what else to say? i mean i guess i can update my life in general. no boy still. this is a good thing. no distractions. i have my good friends and the old friends that were obviously too dumb to recognize a lying bastard when they saw one. its all good tho because rumors and gossip will get you nowhere. its amazing how many people feel the need to spread stuff they know nothing about. good example of this. old friend kelsey from highschool decided to go tell a good friend of mine that i'm hanging out with the wrong crowd. i find this funny since she wouldn't know who i hang out with because shes locked up in her own little cave-like world. and you know as long as the wrong crowd doesn't include her, i'm happy with my miscreant friends. hmmm what else. oh yes...apparently the word going around is that leigh takes care of my all the time when i'm trashed. in all of my knowledge leigh has never had to take care of me so whoever started that one is also a stupid moron. continuing on from all this. i'm getting ready to head back to tech on the 19 (aug) tonight i'm going to a concert at my old highschool which should be interesting. wish me luck cyber land.
my thoughts and prayers go out to andy's friend. i hope all is well. God bless!
 
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BACK From AFRICA   
02:43pm 19/06/2004
  ok so i'm from africa and it was great...b back...  
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08:31am 03/05/2004
 
mood: groggy
update request duly noted.

so once again its exam time. sitting around tearing out your hair over stupid worthless papers with A B C or D and knowing that somehow the world is going to end if you don't pass. such a stupid practice. you can't measure intelligence by them. hell you can't even measure knowledge most of the time cuz people try to trick you. its dumb. and i personally hate them.
what can i actually say today. well i can't say much is improving. because although i have my happy chipper love the day exterior for the benefit of all those around me i have had without a doubt the worst couple of weeks/months ever. and i don't really care. i'm too busy and too tired to care. i'm done with all that and now to better things. i'm getting ready to head to africa soon. that should be incredibly fun. i'm stoked and i can't wait. its going to be amazing. course i'm going to be broke by the time i get back but its africa so who cares? right?
ummmmmmm.....not to much to report to the trooops....preparing to move out is going to be fun. my parents are coming down on the tenth to help out and i'm pretty sure i'm going to have to pack up some stuff on my own before they get here. or maybe just chuck it. which is sad but oh well. ummm....i've have sinusitis for the past week. if thats how you spell it. and its not very fun. lemmme tell ya. kindayucky. other than that i'm just preping for summer.
nothing too exciting in here. oh i did get initiated on this past saturday tho. lots of fun...good times.
hope everyone has a superdooperfantastical day. best of luck with exams and keep your face in the sunshine....as soon as it stops raining.
 
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08:39pm 14/04/2004
 
mood: morose
hey again its post time.
you know its really annoying...i'm so happy usually and now i'm not. i'm really pissed off. honestly its ridiculous. men treat me so badly. i quit i'm done with them. i swear. its like i have a big loser sign over my head. i'm so stupid. so so so so dumb.
its amazing how such nice guys can turn out to be dirtbags. screw them. i don't wanna have to deal with it. they either just want something from you or become uber possessive while saying they don't want a girlfriend. its sickening. it makes me really ill...i hate it.
you know its funny....i feel like i'm a happy person but lately i just don't feel like i'm anything special. and i'm not saying i'm anything great. i know i'm far far far from even the mutated version of perfect. but i'm not awful. i think i'm a nice girl...and i'm not ugly. all i want right now is to have someone to share my life with. i need someone to hold on to. someone who could love me and take care of me. someone who could look in my eyes and really appreciate and love what he sees inside them. i keep praying for a miracle. i keep hoping that i'll get that feeling from somebody and be able to share it with them. i keep on waiting for that one guy that sees me and is like wow...thats her. thats the one i want.
maybe its too much to ask for right now. i know i can live all alone. but i also know i won't be happy until i have someone to share my love, my faith, my love, and my heart with. i've made so many mistakes. so many i can't even begin to think about where i went wrong. i'm so horrified by my behavior and my lack of thought. i'm awful. i'm stupid. i can't stand myself right now. and i guess i shouldn't expect anyone else to. i suppose thats too much to ask.
i wish i could just slip away into the distance. walk off and never come back. just say goodnight to everyone and not be around anymore. maybe i'll do it someday.
i always dreamed of walking away with someone else. i guess i'll just have to walk away from everyone instead....
 
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01:54am 13/04/2004
 
mood: confused
music: sense field~Save yourself
remember to stay strong and love yourself....i keep slipping


"turn out the light
just say goodnight, to yourself
may I remind you
when you find you, you're all alone is when you've got to be strong
cause that's when they call you, in the night
he's got your picture in his mind
he's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime

is it really true
could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
so many times we just give it away, to someone who
someone who you
met in bar
the back of a car
and for a moment you felt important but not in your heart
my self esteem, it's been low, go ahead and count it's been lower than low
i know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me
i want to learn, how you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
so many times we just give it away to someone who, couldn't even remember your name
could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, loves me for me
give it away to someone who someone who will cherish your name

cause I want to learn, can you save yourself for
someone who will love you for you so many times we
just give it away, someone who, couldn't even remember your name
you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you,
loves me for me
give it away to someone who, someone who will
cherish your name
cherish your name"
 
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09:45am 26/03/2004
 
mood: dirty
music: less than jake
my pimp names....nice

Tricktickler Farley Smooth
Master Pimp J. Ice
Stealth Maestro Julie Slick
Big Playah Farley Loco

http://www.playerappreciate.com/pimphandle.asp
 
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12:43am 26/03/2004
 
mood: flirty
do not read next post if having good day.....
you have been warned
 
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12:20am 26/03/2004
 
mood: distressed
music: Dashboard-Standard lines
ok so i just watched sliding doors. and i 've come to the realization that there is no fairy tale romance. no matter how much you dream about bumping into mr right in the coffee shop or falling flat on your face only to be helped up by prince charming....it aint gonna happen. sorry ladies.
i guess every now and then we all need a wake up call. and of course i have a few every year. its good for us really. we don't slouch around carrying false hopes....i guess in a way its like a diet for you mind. well more like lipo since all the fantasies are sucked out and thrown away. i suppose it could be viewed as a cleansing if it weren't so damn depressing. independence is great till you see how happy you once were when you were tied to someone else. when you actually could feel something other than emptiness. buts thats getting too depressing so we'll move up.
i don't think that its the whole "i need a boyfriend because i'm a stupid weak person who needs selfvalidation" thing. honestly i'm past all that. i truly miss the companionship. i miss feeling something...anything even if its hurt. well i'd prefer it not to be hurt but you know what i mean. i really just need a friend...someone i could bum around with. somebody who thinks i'm gorgeous when i get outta of the shower and my hair is soaking wet and i look like a drowned rat. someone i can call when i'm this upset over a stupid movie that is supposed to be uplifting not depressing. (stupid julie reading too much into things)
sigh.......ok well i'm feeling much better now. all i can say is i'm lucky. my friends are the best. they are the one constant (well other than God) that keeps me afloat. Thanks guys....they don't read this but its all good. i just need to remember that life isn't some grand parallel reflected in sliding glass doors....its just life-cut, clean, real.

"remember what the python brothers said."
"always look on the bright side of life?"
"no. noone expects the spanish inquisition."
 
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06:17pm 24/03/2004
 
mood: nauseated
music: garbage~a stroke of luck
"The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep."

Hello again! i'm such a slacker. Well today i was really really really sick. Thank God for my wonderful friends. I don't know what i'd do without them. They take such good care of me. Almost the end of the semester. Its amazing how fast time passes. its ok though. I am incredibly excited for this summer. Africa is going to be amazing. And although i'm completely broke-i'm pysched. its going to be really great.
hey heres some comic relief! i got stung by bees yesterday. 6 bees to be exact. And now they are dead which serves them right because they made me sick. boo on the bees. man o man i am hungry~ i think i'll continue our conversations later.

"The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead."
 
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05:55pm 24/03/2004
 

Which John Cusack Are You?
 
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11:34pm 16/03/2004
  hello again my lovely. i'm so far behind with this whole posting thing....shame shame on julie. oh well....what can ya do. i'm all the way past spring break now. and i can't wait for this damn semester to be over and for me to run off to africa for the summer. i'm so stir crazy.
so whats new in hokie land? not a whole lot. i'm still single of course. i'm always single. but its ok. i'm not as lonely as i was last semester. and i think its a good thing. i'm not going to rush into anymore stupid relationships. i'm going to take my time. let things happen. so yea thats where i'm at now. happy, single, and waiting for whatever future i'm supposed to wait for.
i'm not so sure that biology is the right choice for me anymore. i don't know if i want to be a scientist anymore. truthfully i don't even know what i want to do. at this point i just feel like i don't ever want to work again. and its not a lazy thing. its more of the realization that i really just want to be a mom and have kids. NOT NOW!!!! i mean like 5, 6 years down the line. but i mean i love kids so s os os os smuch.. its really all i want in life. i want a family
and of course thats just a thought....thats what this is for. a place to get things off my chest and onto paper....or a cyber space. i suppose i just need time to think. i mean who knows? i may never get married...i might never have kids. so its all up in the air. and thats ok.
alright alright i'll leave ya with a quote....

"i wake to sleep and take my waking slow,
i learn by going where i have to go"
 
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10:10pm 29/02/2004
 
mood: amused
music: ben folds : fired
and i'm being strangled by kenny. tsk tsk... such a shame. i have so much work this week. which really really really really really sucks
"i just wanna walk away."
 
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08:58am 27/02/2004
  yo yo yo i'm back to the journal. ok so anhvu and i aren't together. i kno i kno it was short. but i think its for the best. after going to the doctors and hearing bout the evil heart stuff etc. i really don' t think its right for me to be with anyone. so we shall see. at least for now until i can get all fixed up and betterfied i'll have to fly solo.
finished up the week of hell. the anatomy test = hell. the poetry midterm was easy. the entomology test was hard hard and on a diff day than i expected. my SA paper was pretty hard to write since i did have the african springbok. yes the majestic springbok. its scary. they suck the big one.
so what else is new with me?well right now i'm bumming around in my robe. which i love. its great and i got to wash the robe so now is all fluffy and nice. i also have this super fun cold that makes me sound like i have emphezema. or however you spell that.
alright i'm done for now cuz i wanna take a shower...later peoples. love you all

"ya got the different kinds,
with different ways"
 
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12:43am 25/02/2004
  i am going to kill steve  
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02:39am 23/02/2004
 
mood: bitchy
music: coldplay
work sucks.....zzz
 
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01:21pm 19/02/2004
 
mood: content
music: hot hot heat
alright so now i have to update this.
i have a super cute boyfriend now, and i hope everything works out. i really do. he just makes me feel so incredibly happy and special. he's such an incredible person and i feel as though we share so much past. i know i'm taking a chance and i know that its a risk worth taking. so i'm going for it. and you can't stop me! sigh.....
its amazing how bad people's timing is. i mean seriously. my problem was never not being able to get a guy...it was that i a) didn't like them that way or b) they had lousy timing. its extremely irritating. and i don't do the whole friends with benefits thing so that completely out. its just now that these guys are hurt that i'm with anhvu and i dont' know what to say. i mean did they think i was going to pine and sit around forever waiting till they got their stuff in line? ummm no didn't think so.
yeah so....i stumbled across something on the internet today. of course its a journal and maybe i shouldn't have read it....cuz i was in it. but for once i just said hell with it and started reading. and its interesting to see the differences in people. i mean think of the depths we don't share with the outside world. we escape into a little box that holds our loves and dreams. but the sickening thing is we can just click and delete the hurt in the box. we don't have to ever see it again. and i kinda wish i hadn't read some of the stuff i did. now i don't know what to think. or what to say....i don't know anything. oh well...serves me right doesn't it?
i'm loving life and hating it at the same time...sounds like the old julie is coming out...i'll make sure that doesn't happen...
keep it in the sun

"I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real
And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd"

wish me luck...i'm starting fresh...
 
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12:11am 18/02/2004
 
mood: awake
music: take me away
its me again....not like any one has this but ok....
alright finally got things nice and clarified with this really awesome guy. i don't want to jinx anything but i'm going to go ahead and spill....
i really like this one. there is something about him. from the moment i saw him across the room i liked him. there was just something about him. kinda like i had to talk to him. but of course you know me....i just sat in my corner assuming the cute kid had a girlfriend. cuz thats what i do. but hey i did point out we had the same cd player. yes i know i'm lame. but i wanted to see him smile. it was worth it. definitely.
i spend hours and hours talking to him. i mean hours. no sleep no work. nothing. just talk talk talk. i'm utterly useless in the homework dept lately. and i don't care.
now i know this guy likes me but i have to wonder if i'm setting myself up for yet another painful evil fall of doom. i mean maybe this crush he has on me isn't anything more than a crush which would be sad cuz i really really like him. and in fact i'm talking to him right now. i really wonder if this will go any further...hmmm
anyway back to gushing. he's awesome. he made me a mixed cd got me a card and candy for valentines. which was great. hes incredibly sweet and quirky. and i love it. he doens't make me feel like an idiot. which is a def improvement as of late. and its amazing that we have so much in common in reference to our pasts...i mean its like we've shared so much and only known each other for a short while.
sigh....i don't know where this is going but i'm so happy i finally found someone who can make me smile.
i hope and pray that all goes well and we both end up happy and whole regardless of who with.
love the world.

"And in my mind, it comes to reasoning
But theres a feeling of no complete
I want to show you,
But theres nowhere we can really be free
Everybody's watchin'

Wouldn't it be good if we could be together

Take me away,
Take me far away from here
I will run with you
Don't be afraid
Navigatin' at the steer
Soon, but son, we will run"
 
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12:49am 17/02/2004
  so yeah kenny isn't kenny g...just clarifying  
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