HMac's Blurty

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	Work blows.
Time:	6:03 pm.

Today I'm very jealous of the people who drive fancy cars and get to buy new things whenever they want and don't have to have jobs and don't have to think about money and whose parents pay for their college education. They better not take that shit for granted.

It makes me wonder though: when I've got a real job and real money and real kids who want to go to college, will I give them a free ride?

(Thinking too much again?)

Time:

4:40 pm.

I think this is the longest I've never updated. I don't feel like i'm losing my self, but maybe i am changing. I like the new experiences i've had. I just worry if i'm changing for nothing. I've been more distant from my friends. And they're worrying me. How much is too much trying, and how much is not enough?

It's been raining all day. It's the first hurricane of the season. There needs to be more thunder and lightning.

I still have money issues with myself. I can't win. But i think of two of the best compliments i've ever gotten:

"You'll never be poor."- my mom
"You'll have a penthouse in New York City someday."- berkeley

And then i think, it could be much much worse.

Grad school is getting scary. The course descriptions are intimidating. The costs are intimidating. The loans are intimidating. It's a fear of the unknown; the worst kind. I have to try to resassure myself that my scores do meet the averages of everyone else. (I'm just like everyone else!)

All of this (All of this!) better pay off in the end. If it doesn't, sohelpmeGod, i may as well die.

(Thinking too much again?)

Time:

7:48 pm.

I wish i wish i wish
I didn't have to worry about money.

How nice it would be just to buy things without regard to how much they cost! Why does it feel like all good times must revolve around having money?

You're getting so expensive.

Maybe i just need people in my life who are just as poor as i am.

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	the. longest. weekend. ever.
Time:	1:37 pm.
Mood:	too fucking introspective.
Music:	my happiness playlist.

I think dogs can sense things. This is making me happy right now. Mitzi jumped into my bed around 11 this morning and she's still chilling there. I think she knows. And understands. Mitzi is my friend right now.

I'm very disappointed in myself. How can i believe that i have such strong feelings for someone, only to have those feelings disappear a month and a half later? What can i really believe about what i feel for someone? How do i know when it's really real next time and not something that's gonna fade after a month? Did i only date brad because i wanted just to be in a relationship? I thought i was past all that high school crap. How fucking immature am i? I don't believe that he really liked me. Dan says i was probably his security blanket. True, he's never really been without a girlfriend. I'd be filling in his loneliness.

It's funny how your perspective can change in just a few weeks. I have such a clearer idea of what i want! I think i'm actually getting into something with someone because i actually like him. Or, we actually like each other. I feel like this time it's not about loneliness or 'filling a void' or even just hot sex. I feel like this could be the start of something that's gonna change my world drastically. Fuck, he already has. But things are gonna change, in a good way. I'm a little scared. But i think it's more of the excited scared. Like i'm about to go on a rollercoaster. I think it'll be ok.

I think i've vented everything. I feel better.
Looks like i'm by myself today. I'm gonna go enjoy it.

(1 nagging thought | Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	:)
Time:	11:09 am.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
These things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
And you said,
"This is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you like me

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	maybe i worry too much.
Time:	9:38 pm.

i am waiting for something to go wrong
i am waiting for familiar results
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	But i think it will.
Time:	10:00 am.
Mood:	high.

This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles time again
It cuts like a knife
If you love me got to know for sure
'Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last

This year's love had better last
'Cause who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
Won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last