HMac's Blurty

(Thinking too much again?)

Time:	2:09 am.
Mood:	drunk.

I am drunk. I wanted you. I wanted you always. I didn’t care that you had to get up early. Unless I would have distracted you. Would I have distracted you? Did you care that you had to get up early? I think you did. I would not have minded getting up that early. I guess I would have distracted you from sleep. (I don’t like that outlook corrects all my errors… I would like you to see them in all their glory…).
This is too stupid to email to you.

You’re the best thing
That ever happened to me.
(you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.)

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	Please Please Please
Time:	3:04 am.

let me know that, at least so far, this is totally different and better than the rest.

i shudder to think of what my fate might be (like the rest)...

and i couldn't stand to hear, "i told you so"

heart: a potential red smear
you cast off. but in your eyes
i think i see hope

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	i am tired of fake.
Time:	2:53 pm.

A green plastic watering can
For a fake chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth

That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns

He used to do surgery
On girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	Walken- Wilco
Time:	5:48 pm.

I’m walkin'
All by myself.
I was talking to myself about you.
What am I gonna do?

I was singin'
This song about you.
I was thinkin' about singin'
This song for you.

The more I think about it,
The more I know it’s true.
The more I think about it,
The more I’m sure it’s you.
Honey, I think you’re just right,
You’re just right.

I was walkin'
Like I said by myself.
I was talkin'
To myself about you,
Like I always do.

The more I think about it,
The more I know it’s true.
The more I think about it,
The more I’m sure it’s you.
Honey, I think you’re just right,
You’re just right.

(2 nagging thoughts | Thinking too much again?)

Time:

1:15 pm.

Barry: I wanna date a musician.
Rob: I wanna live with a musician. She'd write songs at home and ask me what I thought of them, and maybe even include one of our little private jokes in the liner notes.
Barry: Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.
Dick: Just in the background somewhere.

(2 nagging thoughts | Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	Pretty pretty pop song
Time:	3:59 pm.

I think he's been stalking me these past few weeks.

i miss the sound of your voice
and i miss the rush of your skin
and i miss the still of the silence
as you breathe out, and i breathe in.

if i could walk on water, if i could tell you what's next
i'd make you believe, i'd make you forget

so, come on get higher
loosen my lips
faith and desire
in the swing of your hips.
just pull me down hard
and drown me in love

i miss the sound of your voice
the loudest thing in my head
and i ache to remember
all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

if i could walk on water, if i could tell you what's next
i'd make you believe, i'd make you forget

so, come on get higher
loosen my lips
faith and desire
in the swing of your hips.
just pull me down hard
and drown me in love

i miss the pull of your heart
i taste the sparks on your tongue
and i see angels and devils and god when you come on
hold on. hold on. love.
sing sha la la love. sing sha la la love.

it's all wrong. it's all wrong. it's all right
cause everything works in your arms.

(3 nagging thoughts | Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	Baby, you know I'm no good... with words.
Time:	4:38 pm.

I want to get this out before I explode. I want to live in Europe with you. I want to sit outside on a sunny day and drink coffee and read with you. I want to listen to music and point out our favorite parts with you. I want to be your bass guitar. I want to inspire you. I want to learn to cook with tofu for you. I want to hold you against my breast and pet your hair until you fall asleep. I want to get drunk and happy with you. I want to kiss your big beautiful eyes. I want to messy-up your hair. I want to sing (beautifully) with you. I want to make you breakfast in my underwear. I want to sunggle up to you when it's cold outside. I want pictures of you and me, happy. I want to have adventures with you. I want to travel with you, anywhere. I want you to kiss me like you mean it.

I want this.

(Thinking too much again?)

Subject:	Work blows.
Time:	6:03 pm.

Today I'm very jealous of the people who drive fancy cars and get to buy new things whenever they want and don't have to have jobs and don't have to think about money and whose parents pay for their college education. They better not take that shit for granted.

It makes me wonder though: when I've got a real job and real money and real kids who want to go to college, will I give them a free ride?

(1 nagging thought | Thinking too much again?)

Time:

4:40 pm.

I think this is the longest I've never updated. I don't feel like i'm losing my self, but maybe i am changing. I like the new experiences i've had. I just worry if i'm changing for nothing. I've been more distant from my friends. And they're worrying me. How much is too much trying, and how much is not enough?

It's been raining all day. It's the first hurricane of the season. There needs to be more thunder and lightning.

I still have money issues with myself. I can't win. But i think of two of the best compliments i've ever gotten:

"You'll never be poor."- my mom
"You'll have a penthouse in New York City someday."- berkeley

And then i think, it could be much much worse.

Grad school is getting scary. The course descriptions are intimidating. The costs are intimidating. The loans are intimidating. It's a fear of the unknown; the worst kind. I have to try to resassure myself that my scores do meet the averages of everyone else. (I'm just like everyone else!)

All of this (All of this!) better pay off in the end. If it doesn't, sohelpmeGod, i may as well die.