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[27 Apr 2003|03:42pm] |
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Tsuzuki's still upset with me.
He's hiding it well. Even though I've been trying to dampen my empathy, I still should have been able to feel what he does. Ever since he used his magic through me to save us from Muraki I've been able to sense his emotions easier and more clearly than anyone else's. He's buried this deep, though, and it took me a few days to see it.
I don't know what caused it. At this point it could be any number of things.
He got pretty upset when he found out that I had chosen to take part of his debt, but what else is there for me? I would be working here anyway, so why not help him while I'm at it?
He was hurt when I told him that I got the same feeling when he...kissed me...as I did from Muraki. I can't blame him for getting hurt over that. I was too blunt, and didn't explain properly. It was just a feeling, like anger, sadness, or joy. Everyone feels those things, but the combination of that particular feeling and his action brought back memories that I'd rather leave buried. I still don't want to think about it now.
There was a third possibility, but it doesn't fit. Tsuzuki told me that he needed me, and I told him that I couldn't feel that for him. I almost thought that this upset him, but the next day I saw him kissing Hijiri. Tsuzuki isn't the type of person to use someone to forget someone else. He needed Hijiri...not me. When Tsuzuki needed cheering up, I tried my best and I still failed. Hijiri succeded, and Tsuzuki's happy, so I guess it all worked out for the best.
..............................................................................................................
At least my curse has finally stopped burning. I just hope that all this isn't the calm before the storm.
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[26 Apr 2003|09:49pm] |
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It shouldn't bother me. I just keep telling myself that. Over and over: It shouldn't bother me. It's his choice. It's his life. It's none of my business.
So why do I care?
Tsuzuki needs someone. He told me that the one he needed was me, but I can't be that for him. Not now. But I should be happy that he's found someone. After all, he's happy. He's almost back to normal, and that's what I wanted.
I just wish it hadn't been him.
Tsuzuki chose Hijiri. And I can't stand Hijiri.
Ever since he came here we've been at each other's throats. He's been meddling in my business, yelling at me for things that he doesn't understand, and twisting my words when I explain myself. I've done my share of yelling too, and I may have been the one to spark the hostilities originally, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand being anywhere near him.
I think it's because I'm jealous. I look at Hijiri and I see everything I could have had if it weren't for my empathy. He had a good life. His family loved him, he had friends. He was happy. I had to die before I had any of that, and now I can't function properly because of it. A pathetic marionette with slit strings...that's all I am.
But I guess it's my own fault, isn't it? I let them get to me in life. I let them twist my thoughts until I became what I am now. I was stupid and I let them get to me. I won't let it happen again. I won't let myself slip further away from humanity. I will be happy for Tsuzuki. I won't let Hijiri bother me.
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[25 Apr 2003|02:52pm] |
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I went and talked to Tsuzuki last night. He hadn't been to work in two days, but no one else would go see him. He was drunk, which means he was depressed. I don't understand why he does that to himself. He's ripping himself to shreds inside, I felt it. He feels lonely and trapped. He's tired of...everything. He told me that he owes debts to the Shoukan division, and that when his three hundred years of servitude are over he'll be fired.
I just got out of a meeting with Konoe. He's agreed to let me split Tsuzuki's burden. I will be working for free for the next hundred and fifty years. It's not like I'm good for much else, and as the division will be supplying room and board for the term, things shoud work out. I haven't told Tsuzuki yet. I don't know how he'll react, but there was no way I was just going to stand aside and let the first person who accepted me withot question destroy himself.
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[24 Apr 2003|10:03pm] |
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I knew this would happen. Tsuzuki's dropped into depression again. I knew that would happen if he went to Kyoto...but then, I had thought it would all be Muraki's fault. It's so easy to blame Muraki, after all. This time...I think it's my fault.
Tsuzuki went to Kyoto knowing what was going to happen. He was ready to do what it took to learn what he wanted to know. Then I got mad at him, yelling at him for being rash and irresponsible. I hurt him.
He was avoiding me before he left. He was avoiding everyone, but I was the one that he just couldn't stand to be around. I tried to call and apologise, but his machine cut off, and I don't know whether he got the message or not. He didn't come back to work. I think I'm going to have to apologise in person.
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[22 Apr 2003|05:35pm] |
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I made a lot of mistakes this time.
We arrived in Kyoto to find Muraki waiting for us. He presented Tsuzuki with a boquet of roses and an invitation to dinner. Tsuzuki accepted.
I yelled at Tsuzuki for that. It was my first mistake. I think maybe if I hadn't been so angry at him for accepting that he may not have wandered off later. I found him near a bar, half-drunk, and caught in the same dark depression that had claimed him the last time we were in Kyoto.
I got mad at him again. I tried to make him see why he shouldn't go meet Muraki, but he still wouldn't listen to me.
We went back to the hotel, and he left me with Hijiri, and orders to investigate the demon while he and Tatsumi went shopping.
Hijiri and I returned none the wiser for our search just as Watari was fitting a camera onto Tsuzuki's kimono sleeve. Tatsumi promised to help if anything went wrong...then Tsuzuki left.
Letting Tsuzuki walk out that door was my second mistake. We watched as he met Muraki and they started to eat. Then Tsuzuki...that...baka yaro...tried to seduce Muraki! And when Muraki took the bait, I had to sit in the hotel, watching, while Tatsumi teleported in to help.
Tatsumi wasn't fast enough, though. Muraki managed to escape with Tsuzuki.
We were able to find them by tracing Muraki's demon back to his lab. Tatsumi got us in. Muraki was trying to rape Tsuzuki, and the demon was attacking us. In the center of the room was a giant tank containing a floating head. Tsuzuki screamed at me to shoot it. I obeyed without thinking, emptying an entire round into the tank, shattering the glass and destroying the head. The resulting flood of water knocked Muraki over as we escaped with Tsuzuki.
Tsuzuki passed out outside the lab. Hijiri destroyed the demon, then fainted. We returned to JuOhCho.
When Tsuzuki woke up, he came out to the sakura grove to find me. My third mistake was talking to him before I had completely calmed down. I yelled at him again, but he could see right through my facade. "You're not mad at me are you?" He asked me. "You were scared of losing me." Baka. Of course I was scared! I had to sit and watch as Muraki nearly did to Tsuzuki what he did to me! There are no third chances. If Muraki had actually killed him, Tsuzuki would be gone forever.
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It isn't the end though--Muraki's still alive. My scar hasn't stopped glowing. It burns constantly now, albeit dully. Hopefully it will fade again soon. It's never done this before, and it's starting to worry me...aside from being highly uncomfortable.
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[19 Apr 2003|11:55pm] |
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Tsuzuki and I are moving to a new hotel again. It seems that Muraki's involved in Watari and Hijiri's case in Kyoto, so we'll be joining them there tomorrow. For tonight we're staying here. I told Tsuzuki earlier that he could have the bed tonight, so it looks like I'll be on the cot. He's been really upset since Muraki spoke to us that first evening. He cheered up a bit when I told him that he could take the bed. Hopefully Tatsumi will have arranged for decent rooms in Kyoto. I'd rather not have to sleep on a cot the whole time we're there, which I would likely have to do, considering the mental stress this is going to put on Tsuzuki. He really is afraid of Kyoto. I felt it a couple of times when he let his guard down. He's going to have to deal with it if he's going to help me take down Muraki, though.
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[18 Apr 2003|11:27pm] |
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I've been a bit behind in my updates lately, but between us watching Muraki and Muraki watching us I've had neither the time nor the inclination to keep up. I'm not going to describe here in detail what Muraki's been doing as I just sent off a very detailed report to Tatsumi, but I do have a brief summary. He's been trying to push Tsuzuki off the edge, he killed a bellhop, and just before he checked out he had someone fill our room with those stupid roses of his, which, apparently, I'm allergic to. It figures.
Now we've moved to another hotel, but Tatsumi, being the cheapskate he is, booked us a tiny one again. Tsuzuki got one of the maids to bring him a cot, so at least we don't have to share the bed. For future refrence Tatsumi, two people need two beds.
This mission is not going according to plan....
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[14 Apr 2003|12:21am] |
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Today started out fine. Tsuzuki actually convinced Tatsumi to let us go after Muraki. I didn't want Hijiri to know, but he found out anyway. Somehow we started arguing. We made Tsuzuki cry. I made Tsuzuki cry. I left then. How could I help him? I can't even help myself. Tsubaki-hime was right....I feel so useless! I can't even comfort my partner! Hijiri could. He stayed behind with Tsuzuki. I...I think I envy him. The easy way he has with people. He's immediatly accepted anywhere. That's what it could have been like for me if it weren't for my empathy. It's a curse, and I'll be cursed forever.
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[10 Apr 2003|11:14pm] |
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One of these days Muraki's going to get his. He killed Hijiri. He killed him just like he killed me. Does he realise what a mistake he made? Sure Hijiri doesn't have any abilities now, but who's to say he won't develop something? Muraki's just increasing the number of shinigami who want to see him dead. Is he so arrogant that he doesn't care? I never wanted to share my revenge, but Muraki has done such horrible things to Tsuzuki and now Hijiri....
The curse he wrote on me has been burning today. I think it's activated by strong emotion. I need to calm down and clear my mind.
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