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[13 Aug 2003|09:28pm] [ mood | guilty ] Last time I wrote in this thing, I was really upset, and the past days haven't done anything to help. Tsuzuki went missing. I couldn't get a trace of him no matter how hard I concentrated. It was like he'd completely disappeared. Konoe knew where he was, but all he would tell me was that Tsuzuki would be coming back soon. The morning of the third day I couldn't take it anymore. Something was really really wrong. Tsuzuki wouldn't just leave like that without telling me, and in his emotional state.... So I read Konoe's mind. I don't know yet what the punishment will be, but the only thing I regret is not doing that sooner. He'd let them take Tsuzuki into a lab to be pulled apart and poked at like some defective machine! When I got into the lab, he was strapped to a table, sliced up, bruised, and bleeding. It looked more like something I'd expect of Muraki than other shinigami. They forced me out, and by the time I had gotten back in they were done with him. They let him get dressed and leave, leaning on me. We went home and just sat on the couch so I could heal him faster. It was all I was able to do for him, but that's how it is with me, isn't it? Always too little too late, especially when it comes to him. I want to be stronger. I want to be able to help him, to protect him. I want to be there for him like the partner I'm supposed to be, rather than the idiot I was, sitting around for two days, trusting what I was told rather than my gut. The most unbelieveable thing about all this was that he didn't hold it against me for not coming sooner. How does a man who's been through so much stay so forgiving? He doesn't make sense. Now, though, I understand better why he hates Enma and why he was less-than-thrilled when I told him that I had volunteered to split his debt. I didn't know how bad things could get here. I didn't look past what I saw. That was stupidity on my part. Of course things could get bad. This isn't heaven. Just like earth, there are good people and bad people. It's unnerving to think that the...being...in charge could do something so inhuman. Perhaps Tsuzuki and I could stage a coup.... At any rate, Tatsumi's arranged a vacation for us all, so maybe Tsuzuki will have some time to get better. I'll have to ask Hijiri to play for him later. Maybe he knows a tune that can help people forget. post comment

[11 Aug 2003|02:22am] [ mood | Upset ] Things aren't right anymore...haven't been for a while now. It really started going downhill in Kyoto when Tsuzuki tried to kill himself. After that, he just couldn't get his walls back up again. I thought when I finally realized that I loved him back that he would get better. He did for a time, but it's like it's wearing off. I think he's slowly going mad from despair. The worst part of it is that he doesn't think he deserves happiness, so he won't let anyone help him. I've tried talking to him, but it doesn't help at all. It's getting worse, too. He got into another fight with Terazuma. There were no blows exchanged, only words, but when I found Tsuzuki afterwards, his eyes had taken on that strange red tint. He was absolutely furious. He kept yelling about how I was going to come to hate him, that I'd leave him like all the others. It hurt because I thought he knew me better than that. I need him just as much as he needs me. We've both chosen to cut ourselves off from others, although with him it isn't so obvious. At least, it wasn't. He's almost never truly happy anymore. His depression taints everything. He can't even hold me without it hurting, and the fact that he's made me helpless makes it that much worse. Things just keep getting darker, too. I thought maybe he was going to get better after our talk. I thought maybe something I'd said had finally sunk in. Then, we found out that Muraki had taken Watari and Hijiri. We went to rescue them. Muraki was sent running with a hole right through him, but somehow Tsuzuki was returned to a living body. He was lost, and in pain...and when I finally got him home he asked for a knife to kill himself with. It had to be done so he could be a shinigami again, not trapped in a living body that caused him pain. He promised me that he wouldn't leave, then he cut his wrist. His body was too weak, though, and he couldn't make the cut. So he told me that I'd have to do it. I didn't think I'd be able to. He was asking me to kill him. Even knowing that he'd come back.... I finally agreed to do it, because he was in so much pain. My hand was shaking so badly that I thought it might come off. I placed the knife and closed my eyes as tightly as I could, because I couldn't watch as I sliced his arm open. When he...died...I turned and ran. I didn't open my eyes until I had turned away, because I didn't want to see what I had done. I caught a glimpse though...in a mirror hanging on the wall. I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head. I was going to get Tatsumi. Tsuzuki had told me that the body would need to be buried. I turned a corner, and ran right into him. Tsuzuki, not Tatsumi. He was just standing there in that ever-present trenchcoat of his, smiling at me saying, 'I'm back'. I didn't know what to do. I was still panicked, hell, I was still crying, and a tiny part of me was waiting for him to scream at me for doing that to him. He didn't though. He picked me up and hugged me and apologised. He didn't say it was going to be all right, because I think he knows it isn't. He isn't going to be all right. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to beat some sense into him. Sometimes...it makes me want to give up. It's too hard. I'm not doing any good. Why not just give up? But if I did that...I'd lose him...and I can't lose him. It isn't just that I don't want to lose him. It's that I couldn't stand it. If he leaves me...after all we've been through, after all the betrayal, after he's told me that he loves me, that he'd never leave me, after I've given myself to him...I will end my existance. I can't take that kind of loss, of betrayal again. If he goes insane, he'll have left me, and I'll leave everything else behind just as he had planned to do. Now that I've found him, I don't want to exist without him. After all, he's the only one who ever bothered to save me. post comment

[08 Jul 2003|07:44pm] [ mood | irritated ] Didn't I mention last time that this would be a horrible assignment? It is. It started out when I found the kids I'm supposed to be watching. The girl had stolen Tsuzuki's wallet, so I took it back. Of course, since she stole it from my friend, she hates me. Go figure. Blocking out focused hatred is extremely tiring. It got worse later on when a couple of the school bullies started picking a fight with me. They kicked my chair. I ignored them. They kicked me, I asked them to stop. The knocked me down, I twisted the kid's hand up behind his back. Harmless, really, but painful. I was led out of the school in handcuffs, and charged with assault. No one thought to question the boys who had provoked me. Nope. I was led away without another word. I found Tsuzuki at the station, informed him that this country is backwards, and was promptly given a lecture about keeping my temper. On the way back to the apartment, he told me that he liked me better grown up. Always nice to know that the thing I hate most about myself bothers him too. We talked a bit once we got back. He had accepted an invitation to dinner with the officers he's watching and the kids I'm supposed to be. He doesn't completely understand why I'm so irritated, and he suggested that we could have some 'fun' later. I told him that I wasn't willing to screw around during this case, but I don't think he took me seriously, which pissed me off even more. Oh well. I suppose he'll get an interesting surprise when he comes back tonight, won't he? All anger aside, the biggest problem we have now is how I'm going to follow those kids. I doubt I'll be welcome in school again. The only reason I wasn't suspended today was because they were too eager to put me in handcuffs. I suppose I could just follow them around invisible. I don't need to make friends with them after all. I just have to watch them and make sure Muraki doesn't get to them. post comment

[07 Jul 2003|08:14pm] [ mood | angry ] Damn, damn, DAMN! Muraki's in New York--NEW YORK!--so Tsuzuki and I are being sent there. Of all the places he could have chosen for his next mass murdering spree.... Why New York? We'll both be working undercover to get close to four people Muraki's targeting. Of course, I get the kids, so it's back to high school with me. Again. In America. Damn it all. Bad enough dealing with Muraki in a country we're familiar with, now we have to do it overseas, too. So, let's make a list of what's already wrong with this case. 1. Muraki 2. New York 3. high school 4. Muraki Is that everything? Oh, wait, maybe I forgot New York and it's crowds. I am unusually irritable today. I hope Tsuzuki doesn't get offended. It's not his fault after all. post comment

[06 Jul 2003|11:42am] [ mood | discontent ] I met Tsuzuki's sister. I'm still not entirely sure what to think of her. She made dinner for Watari, Hijiri, Tsuzuki and I (she can actually cook) which was nice. However, during dinner, she asked Tsuzuki about his death. He got pretty upset, the kind where all most people see is a sort of quiet melancholy. I hate it when he's like that. After dinner, Ruka decided that I needed to learn how to dance. She switched off with Tsuzuki for my lessons, and somehow an arguement got started between Tsuzuki and I. I guess he was still depressed from dinner, but he was being so harsh on himself. It wasn't even his fault, really. I tried to make him feel better, but it wasn't working too well until he remembered that I was empathetic, and therefore feeling his pain all too well. So he decided to stop dwelling on it for me. Problem is, I don't want him repressing it, and I'm worried that may be what's going to happen. He said that he'd stop putting himself down, but with memories like his...I have to wonder if he won't just try to bury them. I'm beginning to wonder again if being an empath does more harm than good. He cheered up a bit later, but I can only wonder how long it will last. He's been acting really strange lately. Damn it...I wish he'd let me help. post comment

[12 Jun 2003|08:03pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Yesterday night, Tsuzuki suggested that, since our relationship has come so far already, we could share a bedroom. I agreed, so I guess we'll be moving around a bit before we leave for this case next week. Well, I'll be moving at any rate. We're using his room since it's bigger, so mine will become a study. We're going to leave my bed in there, though, so it'll double as a guest room, and that way if we ever just need space for whatever reason we can have it. I can't believe how close I've gotten to him. He was the first one who cared about me at all, and even now he's the only close friend I've made among the shinigami. It's a little scary to think about it, but he's broken down a lot of the walls that took so much pain to build in the first place. I don't think I'd be able to survive on my own anymore. I don't know if he realises that. I don't even know if I want him to know it. I don't like feeling that I have to depend on others. I don't want to be a burden to Tsuzuki. post comment

[11 Jun 2003|01:21am] [ mood | content ] Tsuzuki punched Takara...hard enough to go through him. Jerk had it coming, but Tsuzuki was pretty upset afterwards. And bloody. It was all over his shirt and down his hand and arm. And of course, that meant when I tried to make him feel better, and we ended up kissing in the hall he got blood all over my clothes. Not that it matters much, as a few minutes later, I shrunk back to my sixteen year old self, and my clothes were suddenly much too big, and therefore of no use. So Tsuzuki and I went home to clean up and try to salvage his suit. We were greeted at teh door by the repairman, who informed us that only one shower was working, and it would be turned off in about twenty minutes. It was right after this that Tsuzuki called my attention to the large amount of blood in my hair that would need to be washed out. Drying blood feels disgusting. So, with no time for separate showers, we took one together. With shorts on, because he knew I was uneasy. At any rate, it wasn't so bad, except when I kind of hurt his feelings when I snapped at him for startling me. He was only trying to help. We dried off, and ditched work, choosing to spend the rest of the day at home. We talked for a while. For some reason that is beyond me, he seems to take a great deal of amusement from making me blush. Some of his comments.... He decided that we needed nicknames for each other. Apparently I am 'Kitten' or 'Neko-chan'; whichever strikes his fancy at the moment. He's always telling me that I'm just like a cat. I didn't know what to call him. Baka seemed insensitive at that point (I remember when I wouldn't have cared. Shows how far I've come.). So he told me that I could call him Asato. Sort of a twisted version of a nickname, considering it's his first name, but since everyone else calls him Tsuzuki....At any rate, it shows that he wants to let me in; that he's willing to let down his barriers for me. That night--last night--we made love. I never understood how people could call it that before last night, but the feelings with Tsuzuki were all care and joy and love. Nothing dark or cold--I knew it wouldn't be like that...but I hadn't known how pure it could be. I'm glad it happened and...I hope we do it more often. post comment

[07 Jun 2003|02:19am] [ mood | pissed off ] Today...was not a good day. Actually, today was pretty bad. It started out okay, I suppose. I found out where Muraki will be basically. It was a total accident that I found it at all, but after noticing it, I felt really stupid for not having seen it earlier. It's so blatently obvious. Muraki's been following a nautilus curve selecting the places he stays. Which means I can predict where he'll be staying for the next several days. He has about four stops until he reaches the center, but Tsuzuki and I are going to try and stop him before then. He knows we'll be coming, but he doesn't know exactly where or when, so long as we go before he reaches the center. I swear he's laughing at us. At the very center is an old church, the last place he should be able to enter. And for some reason, I have a really bad feeling about this case. So, how exactly could my day get worse after discovering that the psycho who killed me and drove Tsuzuki to attempt suicide is calling us? Just a little while back, I wrote about how Hakushaku was paying someone to videotape Tsuzuki. The shinigami's name is Takara, a real jerk, who apparently doesn't only work for Hakushaku. I found out that he had taken pictures of Tsuzuki and I...ah...enjoying private time. I angrily confronted Takara, meaning I yelled at him and hit him with two of my psychic blasts. He gave me a bit of a description of another of his employers. Muraki. Muraki has those pictures of Tsuzuki and I. Needless to say I was not pleased. I went back to tell Tsuzuki, but he knew. Muraki had scrawled a note and his address on the back of one of the pictures and sent it back. Bastard. I was angry, shaken, embarrassed, and drained from being stupid and attacking Takara. Of course, sitting down on the floor beside Tsuzuki was not the best way to hide this. He practically dragged me to the infirmary, telling me I needed to rest. When I wouldn't lay down, he laid down on top of me, in the infirmary, during working hours. With people in the building! If I didn't love that baka so much I'd've knocked him right onto the floor for that. Of course, using that as a threat (even if I didn't mean it) offended him. Chikusho...I thought we knew each other better than we do. If I say that I could knock him off, but I haven't actually done so, it means I won't. Well...I might have if someone had walked in. Being in a position like that would have put us in the center of attention of the office gossips, which is a pain. Literally. I hope it rains tomorrow. I'm in the mood to go out and wander around in a downpour. Maybe I'll get washed away. post comment

[03 Jun 2003|11:43pm] [ mood | annoyed ] Tsuzuki called me naive, which, in some ways, I suppose I am. After all, it's not like my family ever talked about any of the situations I find myself in with him, and they were practically the only people I had contact with. At any rate, it wasn't being called naieve that bothered me, but the fact that he laughed.... We still haven't gone all the way, but he's done other things to me...that's not right. We've done other things...but that doesn't seem right, either.... I still don't like talking about it at all, even here. It's the second time he's done it, and, just like after the first, he asked me afterwards if I liked it. I understand that he wants to respect my boundaries, but I still wish he wouldn't ask me things like that. What does he expect me to say, anyways? Plus--no suprise here--another complication has popped up in our relationship. It seems Hakushaku-sama has a shinigami hired to videotape Tsuzuki. I spoke to Tsuzuki about it, and he told me that he never knows when that guy is around, so he can't do anything about it. I've got a sense of him now, though, so I can tell. Even if emotions feel the same from everyone, there are always underlying patterns that I can use to identify people. With this guy it's greed; a lust for money. If I catch him making more of his tapes, I will make sure he's sorry for it. I'd been thinking lately that I've been entirely too talkative. Then Tsuzuki and I had another misunderstanding, and now he thinks we need to talk more. It's bad enough that he's starting to get depressed again, and I seem to be developing a whole new set of nightmares, but he wants to talk it all out. Talking will probably be the worst thing we could do about our problems. Looking back, it seems that everytime we've had a problem and we tried to talk it over, I would say something to make it worse. I'm just not good with words. I tried making him strawberry muffins this morning to see if that would help. I don't know that it did. Even though we stayed home from work (apparently he slept in, and he didn't feel like waking me from where I had drifted off at the table) he's been quiet all day, and sort of distant. I've been having trouble reading him lately. I don't know why. Either he's trying to shield himself from me, or my own emotions are getting in the way.... post comment

[01 Jun 2003|11:00pm] [ mood | pleased ] I'm older. I'm older and taller; the way I'd've looked now if I'd lived, I guess. I shouldn't even have to say how it happened; it's just one more Watari-related accident. No cover up this time, and he'll probably find an antidote, so there isn't really a problem. Besides, being stuck at sixteen had been bothering me for a while, so I'm not really angry about this chance to be older. I would have appreciated some warning, though. I had to borrow Tsuzuki's coat to get home (I grew quite a bit, but my clothes...). We had to go out shopping after he loaned me one of his (too small) outfits. Even the ring he gave me is almost too small now. It was just a little loose before; now it's almost tight. It really is strange being older. I'm taller than Tsuzuki, for one. He's able to tuck himself under my chin for a change. If he's right, I should be taller than Tatsumi, too. Tsuzuki still treats me the same, aside from teasing me a bit more. (I swear I've spent half my time as an adult blushing!) He's always kinda treated me this way, not like a kid, as most people would upon meeting me, but...I don't know. Tsuzuki wa Tsuzuki. There's no explaining him. Hopefully, though, being older means I won't be looked at as a kid at all anymore. I really hate that. A child coud not have dealt with all I've been through and stayed sane afterward. post comment

[30 May 2003|10:14pm] [ mood | loved ] Last night I came home, planning to stay awake until I was too exhausted to dream. My nightmares came back recently. At any rate, I'd checked out a pretty big book from the library to read, and I also killed some time just watching a movie with Tsuzuki. When I went back to my room, I found a box on my pillow. Tsuzuki bought me a promise ring. Not that I'd ever admit this to anyone, but I cried when I opened the box. It was just...I know how tight money is, and I know how much he loves sweets, and the fact that he went out--for no particular reason really--and bought this for me and had it engraved just...really made me feel good. I went to thank him, and he told me that it was to keep my nightmares away. He's more perceptive than I'd thought. Apparently he'd noticed that I hadn't really been sleeping well, plus he realised the reason for it. The feelings attached to the ring are comforting. It's hard to explain without making the gift sound somehow trivial, but it would have been just as comforting if he'd given me something he's owned for a while. Something that's had time to become attuned to him. The feeling on the ring may fade eventually, not because it isn't strong, but because he didn't have it long enough for his energy to really permeate it. I really do like it. It's something I can keep with me always. Even if the emotional traces do fade, it's still physical proof that he loves me. It's hard to explain. I think I'm smiling, sitting here typing this. Maybe I should go find him. He likes it when I smile. post comment

[29 May 2003|12:31pm] [ mood | guilty ] Last night, Tsuzuki and I...well...we almost.... I can't even talk about it here. Not that it matters. I couldn't go through with it. As soon as it really started, my memories of Muraki were pulled to the forefront of my mind. I yelled out and shook and cried like a child. I was ashamed because I'd just told Tsuzuki that I trusted him, then I let that happen. I was angry, with Muraki for what he did to me, and with myself for not being able to put it behind me. Tsuzuki's reassurances didn't help any, either. He'd been so depressed lately because he wanted this, and I went and spoiled it. Tsuzuki held me all night anyway, but I don't think I slept for more than a few minutes total. Every time I started to drift off my mind would conjure up images from that night, and I'd have to wake up again. I don't think Tsuzuki noticed, which is good. I don't want to be more of a bother than I already am. I think maybe I wanted it to, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. I love Tsuzuki, I know that much, and I want to stay with him. But what if I just wanted to do that so I'd be freed from the fear stemming from my encounter with Muraki? Everything's too complicated. I don't want to deal with all this. I just want to go to sleep.... post comment

[28 May 2003|05:35pm] [ mood | annoyed ] Tsuzuki's upset again. I don't have any idea why. I'm pissed off because nearly everyone in the office is betting on when Tsuzuki and I are going to get intimate. They're treating it like some stupid game. I don't know if that's what's wrong with Tsuzuki, though. It's frustrating knowing he's upset but not being able to tell what he's upset about. I even invited him out to eat lunch with me in the sakuras, trying to cheer him up. After that comment about me being shy in public...che. It worked for a little while, at least. I'd just as soon give him space, but if this gets any worse, I'm going to confront him about it. post comment

[27 May 2003|10:46am] Yesterday was...busy. Finding out that almost the whole office is betting on when Tsuzuki and I are going to...sleep together...was the least of the trouble. 003 is apparently related to Muraki. He did something to Tsuzuki, I'm not sure what exactly, but it made Tsuzuki angry enough to kick him in the face...right in front of Konoe. This was after Tsuzuki had punched him into a mirror. Tsuzuki was sent home, and I was told to go home as well to make sure he didn't do anything else. We talked, he calmed down, we kissed. Things were starting to get...serious, then Hijiri showed up on our doorstep. He told us some lie about not wanting to go home, and I left to get sushi so Tsuzuki could talk to him and maybe find out what hold 003 has over him. Hijiri wouldn't talk. So, later that night I tried. I woke him up, thinking he'd be more likely to answer me if he was half asleep and a bit disoriented. I didn't ask him for answers, I demanded them. I was NOT just going to sit by and let 003 do whatever he wanted. Hijiri wouldn't talk to me either, so I was forced to take my final resort. I read his mind. Mind reading is painful. The amount of energy used, in addition to the influx of images and feelings hurts, and usually leaves me with a headache that lasts hours. I saw what 003 had done in the office, but that wasn't nearly the worst of it. He raped Hijiri. I was angry and sick, disgusted, both at 003, and at Hijiri for keeping quiet. His silence was only protecting 003. Once I stopped shaking enough that I could walk, I got back to my room and collapsed onto the bed. Luckily, Tsuzuki was half asleep, so he didn't notice what a sorry state I was in, but when he heard what 003 had done, he woke up enough to give Hijiri a good talking to about the situation. We were going to wait until tomorrow to report to Tatsumi and Konoe, but Hijiri snuck out, remembering that Watari was alone with 003. Tsuzuki followed him while I went to go get Tatsumi. Tatsumi teleported us in to see Tsuzuki hauling 003 up by the collar. Tatsumi tried to get him using the shadows, but 003 went rogue, turning into some huge beast. He used another mental attack, but Tatsumi is immune to his power and managed to snag him. Watari threw the bird potion at 003, which caused an explosion. I was knocked back onto Tsuzuki, hurting his back, and I found myself wishing that my head would just explode as well and be done with it. I don't really remember what else happened. I tried to sneak off, because my head hurt so bad that I couldn't see straight, and I didn't want to do something so embarrassing as fainting in the middle of so many of my co-workers. Tsuzuki caught up to me, and I had to help him home. We made it, somehow, and I left him on the couch and dropped into bed. My head was still pounding when he woke me up this morning, and I had to explain the problem before he would leave me alone. He finally got the message and let me sleep. I woke up again this afternoon, feeling much better, and found Tsuzuki asleep at the kitchen table. I felt bad for landing on him last night and for being so cross with him this morning, so I mixed up some of that berries and sugar stuff he likes as an apology. As far as I'm concerned, this whole mess is over. post comment

[21 May 2003|05:54pm] I finally told Tsuzuki how I felt. After his shield broke. After I hurt him pretty bad. Perhaps starting at the beginning would be better...if I can pinpoint it. I've written before about how we've been getting closer. He admitted his feelings for me, but was waiting for me to do the same. I was too nervous to really tell him the first time, but I whispered it to him in his sleep. The next day at work he completely avoided me. All day. I didn't understand why. With his wall up I couldn't get a sense of how he felt. I began to think that maybe he was tossing me aside because I was starting to love him. Everyone else in this office seems to love him, and he doesn't give them a second look. Why should I be any different? That thought hurt more than I want to admit. I worked up the nerve to confront him. I hid the pain behind anger. We got into an arguement. It was all my fault. I wouldn't listen. Apparently he had heard my confession, and that just made it worse. Why would he avoid me if he knew? He tried to explain. I said something to him...something about kisses being another way to lie...and he took it completely the wrong way. I'd only seen him so angry a few times before. He stormed out without another word. I didn't go to work. Instead, I chose a perch in one of the sakura trees where I could reflect. Tatsumi found me there. He listened to my explaination, then basically ordered me to go apologise. I had known that I would need to do that. I found Tsuzuki in the library, still in a bad mood, but more pained and less furious. I apologised sort of quickly, worried that he might walk away. He listened to my apology, but I kept babbling anyway. I admit, I was desparate for him to understand...and not reject me. I told him how much it hurt to not be able to feel the warmth that came with his emotions. I apologised for not being able to overcome the feeling of mistrust ingrained in me through years of hatred. His wall came down. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me that he loved me. Then I told him. It was about that time that we realised that everyone in the library was staring at us. And that mostly ended this latest problem. He forgave me. He still loves me, and he knows I love him. I'm disgusted with myself though. I gave in to stupid insecurities. I actually admitted my fears, not only to Tsuzuki, but Tatsumi as well. And the way I felt at the thought of being abandoned.... I've gotten too used to having a friend. It's making me weak. Before I died, no one could have gotten past my walls. Then I met Tsuzuki, and he pulled me out of my self-imposed isolation. I don't think I could handle it if he left me. At best I'd become nothing but a shell, hiding from the pain. The worst thing about it all is that I really want to trust Tsuzuki...but I don't know that I can. Not because of him...this is my fault too. I know that I can trust him...but on another level...an irrational voice drips poison in my ear, reminding me of my past, and holding me back. The short time I've been a shinigami has not been enough to counteract how I lived for sixteen years. I'm trying. I want to be able to trust him like I told him I did. I need to find a way to show him that I'm trying. post comment

[18 May 2003|02:04am] I can't feel Tsuzuki at all. This time there's nothing to distract me from it. Emotionally, he just isn't there...I can't sense the slightest trace of his feelings. It's...unnerving. He doesn't even know why his walls are up. They're really strong barriers--as good as Tatsumi's...but I don't think he knows how to get rid of them. The whole house feels colder without his stupid happiness floating around. Plus, we think Muraki's back. This is absolutly the last thing we need right now. Tsuzuki had better fix his barriers before we get assigned a case. I want to be able to find him if anything happens. post comment

[15 May 2003|05:17pm] [ mood | confused ] I don't know what to do. About Tsuzuki, I mean. It was so much easier back when he was just a plain old baka. Now everything has been turned upside down, and I can't figure out which way is up. I've let him kiss me a few times. Why, I'm not sure. Is it because he loves me, or because I love him? It's always been like this. My empathy causes me to feel other's emotions...but I can't always identify my own. I can't tell where others' feelings end and mine begin. That's one reason why I started hiding how I felt in the first place; when the problems with my empathy were just starting. I didn't want to express emotions that weren't my own, and since I could never be sure, I tried to become unreadable. I don't know what to say to him. The feeling I get when he kisses me isn't bad, but I don't know how I really feel about him. I don't want to lead him on...which is exactly what I'll have been doing if it turns out that my feelings are only his being reflected through my mind. I do care for him. I have no doubts about that. My empathy was blocked completely when I was a cat, so all I felt were my own emotions. I didn't examine them too closely because my attention was on other things...but I know that Tsuzuki is a very important person to me. I told him about the problems with my empathy. His suggestion was for us to spend time apart, so I can sort out my feelings. I don't want to do that, though. No matter what my feelings for him are...his presence is still comforting. And...I told him that. And he smiled. post comment

[13 May 2003|04:26pm] [ mood | indescribable ] The past few days have been...strange. Tsuzuki got himself turned into a puppy, and I ended up getting Watari suspended from work. I didn't mean to really. I was tired of him covering up his experiments--it always made things worse. This time he'd even sent Hijiri to break into mine and Tsuzuki's apartment in an attempt to keep the slip-up a secret. Nothing had made him see how much trouble his cover-ups caused though, so I went and explained the situation to Konoe. I didn't even want to do that. I felt like a child going to tattle tale on a liar. It didn't turn out right, either. Instead of Watari being banned from the lab like I'd expected, he was suspended without pay, along with Hijiri, who truly hates me now. Like I care what he thinks of me. At any rate, I talked to Tsuzuki about what I'd done. He wasn't disapointed in me, despite the fact that he'd given up his sweets fund to pay Watari's rent. I know how much he like sweets, so I'll probably be spending part of my savings on food for him, considering it's partly my fault he gave up his money. I have a good bit saved up from work, anyway. It's not like I ever bought much more than essentials. After we had out chat, we went out to dinner. It was a conversational failure. I had asked him if he wanted to go because I was trying to be more open...but we barely spoke at all. I suppose it was better than our first meal there...which was also our first meal together. We went to the same Chinese restaurant that we had eaten at when we first met. Fitting place for a new beginning. post comment

[09 May 2003|02:33pm] Tsuzuki and I are going out to dinner tonight. The suprising thing is that I'm the one who suggested it. It cost a lot just to ask that simple question. Seeing how he interacted with Hijiri the other day really made me realise how much I've missed because I was afraid to trust others. Now, though, I have Tsuzuki...and he's proven over and over again that he's worthy of trust. I want to be more open with him. I want to show him that I'm happy to have found him. He deserves that much, at least. post comment

[05 May 2003|04:46pm] [ mood | cynical ] Forgiveness is not something that comes easily to me. I had to deal with a lot of hatred and negativity while I was alive. I'm trying to put it behind me now, but I have still not forgiven it. It will be a long time before I forgive Watari for what he did. It isn't just what happened to me that made me so angry, but what happened to Tsuzuki was just as bad. I had never seen him so angry as when he found out what Watari had done. Before that he was worried sick, wandering all around the Meifu looking for me. He didn't even eat. It was disturbing to say the least. We got even with Watari. He was probably almost as worried about that stupid owl of his as Tsuzuki was about me. I doubt he's learned his lesson, though. He'll be back to making those potions of his too soon. post comment

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