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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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9:23p - Description of the indescribable
Welp, (I have decided to begin every entry this way now, due to the influence of Chloe and Hannah. Hehe.) Welp, I have had the most indescribable day. I'm completely exhausted and don't know how long I cant sit here and type, but we'll see.
Between the morning service, the evening service, the rap at the Fellowship Hall and then the late rap at Dunkin Donuts, I've taken six pages of handwritten notes and my head is spinning with all the new thoughts its been presented with. Take this statement, "Faith is the heart of man, gazing at God." Wow. There's so much that was said...
I wish I could just record my life for you to see. Nothing else comes close--time passes by so swiftly that I can't always catch onto a corner to pull back and share with you. So many moments happened today that, as they were happening, I longed to remember and relate to you, and now they are fading even as I type. But today there was an anointing from God, and I am changed.
I felt it as soon as the song service began. As I began singing there was an unexpected quiet eruption of joy inside, like fireworks or waves crashing or wild horses let loose to run with reckless abandon to the throne of my good King. He is the One that my heart has been waiting for, the One that completes me, the One I was always made to love. when I sing with the congragation of believers, sometimes I just close my eyes and pretend that we are all in heaven, singing to our victorious King--thousands upon thousands in this great ampitheatre, clothed with shining garments, and there is light everywhere, streaming from the throne, and we are all focussed upon Him who sits on it--the very center of all that is right and beautiful and good and pure and wonderful. And I see all this as I sing, and I see the scars on His hands that once washed the feet of men, and I see the Cross with the blood trickling down into the dirt. I see His sacrifice, and know that it was for me, and although I didn't deserve it it is mine and I am safe from being doomed to be myself forever. Now I can be a child of light who is delivered with finality from darkness, singing with wild abandon to my King. I wanted to sing forever, but the music stopped and the Pastor spoke. And it too was anointed and brought different images to my mind.
A little baby, sitting on a lap. He is being fed a piece of birthday cake, and he is happy. The moment the fork goes into the cake, the mouth opens. Such natural expectation, such contentment in trust. We are called to be children. Not adults, because adults can't forgive and forget. They remember too much. In Galatians 4:28, it says that we are children of promise. What a high thing, what a weighty and wonderful thing. We are children, just depending on our Father the way Jesus did, trusting and opening our mouths to receive instruction when He presents us with it. I can't figure out grace with the natural, adult mind--it's beyond my capacity to understand. So like a child, I just take it.
A different man stood, and he spoke, and it was also anointed. He began speaking about truth; that God has called me to embrace truth, even at the expense of myself--what I want to pretend is true, what is more comfortable to believe and operate in. Embracing the truth means I have to give up all that, and operate on a priciple higher than the principle of 'me'. The world doesn't like this idea. They say it's ok for a man to say, "Two plus two equals five. That's what I was raised to believe, that's what feels right for me, so that's what's real." But there's a problem. His answer is wrong. Life is not based upon what we feel should be reality, it's based upon truth, which is the foundation of reality. A relationship with that person would be hard, because you couldn't trust them. All the decisions they make are based upon themselves. But truth is really truth, and it sets me free from myself.
When Cain killed his brother Abel, he was operating on the principle of himself. He was subjective; he was offended that God didn't recognize the hard work that went into his offering of vegetables. He ignored the truth that God had told them what was an acceptable offering, and he became angry at God and his brother and murdered. But we are called to something better than Cain's subjectivity. We have been given truth so it can govern our thinking and not trap us into being the center of our own world. Being the center of my own world makes God a very small god, and I when I think this way I think he should submit to what I think is good. But God is not small, and He is the authority over me and He governs with truth.
In the Garden, Eve was tempted by the forbidden fruit, and her temptation came in three different forms: the fruit was good to look upon, it was good to taste, and it would make her wise. Satan uses the same three strategies against us today: he tempts us in what we can have, what we can experience, and what we can be. He tells the young man, "if you don't marry her now, you'll lose her", and the young man is tempted in what he can have and doesn't trust God. These tactics work against us all the time. He tempts us in what we experience and feel and we start to think that we need a specific experience to be happy or fulfilled--a romantic interest, cigarettes, gambling, etc. He tempts us in what we can be, saying that unless we compromise our values we're never going to amount to much. But the answer to all this is that I really don't have to worry about having, doing or being--the Lord is my Shepherd. In Him I have all that I need. God is my helper and protection, I shall not want.
There was more and more and more, and I don't know if anyone has read this far but I can't put it all. My head is full and I had to tell people this wonderful news: There is a higher truth! A greater principle than myself. There is a life that is better than the natural life, and it is spiritual, it is supernatural and it is inside of us, waiting to be released. We are children of light, trusting our Father the King and going forward in strength and vision and humility and power and amazement and joy and wisdom, telling the world. Truth.
current mood:  exhausted (comment on this)
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