It is:	Thursday March 18th, 2004 4:30
Subject:	Saying Goodbye
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	sad
She is: She hears:	'How Could You Say No'

It has been twenty-seven posts since I asked this question. Since then I've received maybe a handful of comments from about three people. The last one was twelve posts ago.



It's too lonely here. What happened to all of you?



THEREFORE I am off! And I have other reasons, too; namely, an answer to prayer. I do not have a peace about continuing on here. In fact, the thought of doing so makes me restless. I'm going to take it as a confirmation from God and cut back to LiveJournal only. I may occasionally post here, and I will definately continue reading my friends' page, but I can't stay. :( If you read my journal but never comment, I'm sorry--you are free to add my LJ page to your favorites list if you like.

My LiveJournal address is www.livejournal.com/users/reflected_light. Please come by and say hello once in a while!

In Christ, Treasure of all Treasures...

Rita

It is:	Thursday March 18th, 2004 2:04
Subject:	Blank Canvas
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	creative

We have decided that today--the eighteenth day of March in the year two thousand and four--is just the right day to refer to ourself in the third person.

Because, you see, life is more fun when we're plural.

It's true! When we liberate ourself from the burdensome laws of English grammar, we find ourself far more confident and serene, no longer troubled by the petty details of life. We can use phrases like, "We are not amused" and "we really don't care, would you pass us the salt?" without a second thought. No longer do we scramble to satisfy the whims of others--no longer do we feel degraded and oppressed and fearful. We have dignity. We have poise. We reign.

And some days, we need that.



Lol. Ok, I'm done.

I (we) changed my (our) colors again.

.

You know what I love? I love describing things. I can tell you about the flower by the neighbor's hedge that blushes at the touch of sunlight and bobs its head to meet the bumblebee, or to cup the breeze as it passes by. I can tell you about the cool concentation etched on the face of the drummer as he moves the beat through the music. I can tell you about the way evening surf works to smooth the differences from stones, so thorough and unchanging in the misty evening. I love it--I love to capture beauty with my words; and when I do I alter its appearance. It is transformed by the crysalis of my perception--like light through a prism. And its beauty is mine now, because I have selected the words it lives in.

Divine creativity... God is the God of imagination and expression. After all, He's a God of life, isn't He? Life is freshness and newness, movement and surprise and wonder. And that means constant creativity--a flow that I am drawn to. I love to join in with Him--to wrap my small fingers around the paintbrush and help my Father create--color and texture and thought. Canvas after canvas. What a joy it is! How glad I am that I was made to form new things with Him... He created me, and now I re-create Him through expression--in a thousand different ways, each one new, and each one uniquely lovely. I've got to show the world Who He is, however I can. Giving a blue flower to a little girl on the sidewalk; making your mother's favorite soup when she's had a long day. Playing the violin. Singing with your eyes closed. And I will never run out of inspiration, because He is just so much. I anticipate what music the future will bring! My heart is dancing already.

It is:	Monday March 15th, 2004 3:38
Subject:	Visual Aid number seveteen
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	happy
She is: She hears:	"Highest" by Hillsongs Australia

Ok--I've finally uploaded my pictures! Come see!



Photos from our visit to Brachov, Romania

Photos from our visit to Budapest, Hungary

I hope you enjoy these! Several of them require explanations, I wish I could talk about each one as you see them! I actually left out quite a bit of the ones that might be considered embarassing. ;) Enjoy and tell me what you think! I'll try to continue my story more tomorrow so they will make more sense to you. ;)

Love in Christ,
Rita

[edit] PS--For those of you who don't know my face, I'm the dark-haired girl in the last Budapest picture.

It is:	Monday March 15th, 2004 2:00
Subject:	Intermission between scenes... I had to write this before it disappeared ;)
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	thankful
She is: She hears:	"Song of Freedom" by Darlene Czeck

Of all the intriguing happenings in my life, it's always difficult for me to select which tale I will relate to you. Because the story doesn't stop with my entrance back into Normal Life. No; it has been continuing since my return, and I am very tempted to share with you the monumentous things that have been taking place in the sphere of the spiritual world. There has been a dark battle, and I regret to say that I was losing it... and the stakes were high. They were quite high.

But oh--the Lord my God, He is my Keeper; and He was there with me in the dark confusion of my own thoughts, refusing, on purpose, to answer my request. And it was days of this confusion and tasting the sour whispers of my Enemy until they were all I could taste. But then I began to see with my spiritual eyes again, and began to understand--He was not refusing me an answer, He was instead holding the answer behind His back. Because in my human-ness I had forgotten--He has no pleasure in giving impersonal instruction. His desire is to be intimate with the one He loves so deeply. And it worked. He made the darkness His secret place. As I stretched for the answer to my great problem, I found the warmth of His presence--so near and so rich in sweet lovingkindness and tender mercy. And it was powerful enough and personal enough to distract me from those insistent questions! How could someone so wonderful as this love me? How is it that He never gives up on me? How is it that He find me beautiful? And His Word is so rich, and His life in me is so full, and it overflows and saturates my heart until the joy is more than I can explain or contain. Thanksgiving was added to thanksgiving, and I’ve never seen the sun shine so brightly before. Of all the thousands of tongues upon the earth, what language can express the volumes of a heart in communion with its Savior? Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of Thy waterspouts: all Thy waves and Thy billows are gone over me... I find this amazing; how the depths of a human being can touch the depths of the Living God.

Not long after that, God very simply told me what to do... the answer was quiet, and simply, and carried with it great relief and greater joy. First, you see, He had to correct the way I was thinking, so that I would have a capacity to handle His answer. I love how He does everything the right way. I had already found contentment in His company, and it seems that I had to be in that place before He was free to direct my path. Relationship had to come before instruction.

I have been pouring over the pages of the Book lately, and one of my favorite passages--Psalm 139--has a verse that came alive to me.

It is:	Friday March 12th, 2004 11:37
Subject:	The post you've all been waiting for!
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	accomplished
She is: She hears:	nada

Well, hello and good morning! I am so sorry to be so long in producing this post--it's quite long, so that should make some people happy. :) And it's only a tiny portion of what I experienced! But it was such an interesting portion that I couldn't leave it out. It's going to take several such posts, I think, before I reach the end of my story. But oh, I love telling stories! Especially real ones...

( Part One )

It is:	Tuesday March 9th, 2004 4:36
Subject:	Approximately nine thousand and three hundred miles later...
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	sad
She is: She hears:	"Heaven" by Hillsongs

And I am home again.

Where do I start? It seems that there is no fitting place to begin. My house felt strange when I pulled my heavy suitcase through the familiar, quiet door; my fingers felt strange as they once again began tapping out words onto a computer screen. I feel like I have just stepped back through the wardrobe, and behind me there is suddenly no longer a magic wood, but only normal things that I used to know. And I long for it back. I have gone and now returned, and I find myself yearning for the differences... the narrow streets, the strangeness of the alphabet, the men walking past in fur hats. All of it. Europe has stolen a piece of me, and yet I don't want it returned. Instead, I want to return to it. And one day, you know, I will.

I don't have the time to tell you everything right now, so you'll have to be a bit more patient. :) Chloe, thank you for the friendly email I found in my in-box. It cheered me so much to read it, and remember how sweet your friendship is to me. I almost--almost!--was able to send you a postcard from Budapest, but somehow the address I had brought became lost when I needed it. I am sorry about that, dear friend. I was thinking of you over there. One day you must come with me.

But oh! God is God! And He is the same wonderful God in the mountains and quaint streets of Brachov that I have known in the noisy streets of America. He is the same God that pours His love on the people of Budapest, that all my life has sung lulabies over me as I have slept. He held my hand as I walked down cobblestone streets; He was with me when we ate at Turkish restaurants. His presence anointed our late-night conversations in the hotel room.

The world is so small. I wish I could really show you.

Ok my friends! This will be my last post until I return on the seventh. Tomorrow I won't be able to post at all. I feel as if I'm in a tornado, and have been carried off my feet by the force of the gale. There are so many details to care for before the departure that if I fly from this moment on, I won't be able to take another relaxed breath until they serve the in-flight meal tomorrow night. :) But God is good, and it's a relief to see things falling into place. Life is a mad rush, but God is providing His quickening power--that same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead!--to supply my needs...

I love you all! Yes, every one of you. Please, please, keep our trip on your heart as you pray to your God and mine. He is so faithful. I have a great expectation from Him for this adventure!



Adieu!

Love in Christ,
Rita

It is:	Friday February 20th, 2004 3:04
Subject:	Oh yes
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	excited
She is: She hears:	lalalalaaaa

I have a confession to make:

I have never seen or read anything from Jane Austen.

Allright--I can see all your mouths gaping open in astonishment--I don't know how it happened! I always intended to, and somehow... well, no matter--I've also come to announce (with great dignity and ceremony) that I have repented! ...and ordered the Sense & Sensibility DVD (since I don't have a TV/VCR but my laptop has a DVD player built-in) from Amazon.com, and it should arrive any day! *Clapclapclap* It's the one with Kate Winslet and Hugh Grant in it, both of whom I love. :) Now the problem will be finding time to actually watch it when it arrives.

I simply could not remain out of the loop any longer. :P Ha.

It is:	Wednesday February 18th, 2004 2:50
Subject:	Words of life
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	peaceful
She is: She hears:	"How Precious to Me" ~Ben Pasley

2 Peter 1:3-4 "According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust."

Isn't this the most awesome verse? It's been going through my mind all week. Imagine--by receiving and believing the promises of God in the Bible, I can actually join into His actual character and nature! Being occupied with the Word of God is the key to operating in the kingdom of God!

I've recently been recommended a little-known translation of the New Testament by a friend, and wanted to share with all of you. It's called the J.B. Phillips Translation of the New Testament, and it's great because it holds to the precision of the literal text but isn't quite as wordy as the Amplified or Kenneth Wuest Bible--kind of like the NIV but without losing any of the real meaning. (And for those of you who think the NIV doesn't distort what the original says, take a closer look.) I ordered one of these Phillips NT's at half.com yesterday and can't wait to get it. Here's a quick exerpt:

"He has by his own action given us everything that is necessary for living the truly good life, in allowing us to know the one who has called us to him, through his own glorious goodness. It is through him that God's greatest and most precious promises have become available to us men, making it possible for you to escape the inevitable disintegration that lust produces in the world and to share in God's essential nature." ~2 Peter 1:3-4

It is:	Tuesday February 17th, 2004 4:08
Subject:	ebay
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	working
She is: She hears:	Instrumental piano

I want this.

Too bad Lladro is so expensive. ::wishful sigh:: I'd collect these pieces if I could!

Seven days left.

Excitement has found it's way into my veins lately, and I find myself constantly daydreaming of far away lands... Remembering the last time. I keep thinking of the damp air, the tall old buildings of Budapest that lined the streets and made you feel safe as you walked casually beside them. I remember the large black and white birds that flocked sedately in the walking parks, scratching in the dirt. I remember the way their coins felt heavy in my hand. I remember the morning fog as we waited for the hungarian bus to reach its stop, muffling the quiet conversations overheard in hungarian. There was a woman with a group of children waiting for the bus with us; she was leading them in a song. They sang and giggled and babbled away happily in another language. I couldn't stop smiling.

I remember the church and the singing. English, hungarian, russian, we all were united, brothers and sisters. I remember seeing the Russians raising their hands in worship to their king, after spending 30 hours on a bus to reach us. I remember the way Pastor Schaller, although tired enough to sleep a week, would take special time to spend with each group individually. He would build them up and encourage them, laugh with them. I remember the way my heart burned within me as I heard the Word preached and God illumined it and I just knew that certain things were certain. I remember hearing how I can just trust God and it will be ok, that I really can give Him my life and He will take care of me. He will make it beautiful--more beautiful than I could dare to hope for. And my heart was so full of the truth that I could barely breathe. And I felt so honored to be His, and among His people.

I remember the hugs from women I couldn't talk to, and the welcome in their eyes that tore down the communication barrier between us. I remember the crowds and the excitement and the late nights in conversation, the early mornings dragging yourself out of the youth hostel just in time to make it back to the church and have a cup of coffee with friends before the service. It was sweet, all of it, and I yearn to stand there again and breathe the air again. The same God I know will be there, as He is here. As He is in every land I am carried to.

It is:	Monday February 16th, 2004 10:26
Subject:	Saint Valentine's Day
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	content
She is: She hears:	"To You Oh Lord" ~100 Portraits

I've realized something this weekend. The romance of my call has a firmer grip on my heart these days than the thought of one day being wife to a husband. As Gedaliah so nicely put it, I am so exceedingly loved by my God and His people. What could be sweeter? The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Knowing that, however, does not mean that the Enemy had no attack for me on February the fourteenth. I realized that I haven't been asked to any of our annual banquets by a young man since I moved here. And so my Enemy had his demons whisper in my ear, Why not? Is something wrong with me? Am I just not pretty enough, or do I give off 'don't-ask-me-to-the-banquet' vibes? And instead of rejecting these thoughts, I took them, and turned them over in my hands, and before long I began to feel fairly rejected.

And then my Jesus stepped in, and held me, and whispered His dear voice in my ear. And I decided: His friendship and fellowship to me is more important than the unanswered questions. I don't know why I haven't been asked, but I know that I am valuable and I am loved. And I know that I have wonderful guy friends who think the world of me. And I know that I came out of the trial walking in victory. Because on Valentine's Day there was a love expressed to me, and it warmed my heart and refreshed me and encouraged me in the truth of who I am. A pearl of great price.

And oh, the romance of my call. I lay awake some nights pondering the thought that God, in His infinate kindness, would arrange for me to find this ministry, arrange for me to be in a place where His love could be expressed to me so lavishly. He placed me here in Maryland Bible College & Seminary, where I am constantly astonished by the fresh illumination of His word and the passion for it that I see in the lives of so many people my age. I know that I am in His geographical will for my life, and I can't tell you what that means to me. There is such rest in the certainty of knowing that you are where you are supposed to be.

The Ensemble performed yesterday morning at a small church in Towson. There was an anointing of rejoicing and peace there... I was so happy. During the singing I closed my eyes and imagined that I was on foreign soil, adding my voice to the voices of my team members as we labored together to plant a new church. My call is so sweet. Just to love God, and to love people. And that's it. Out of that love there will be the sweetness of serving, because true love can't help but serve. I'm understanding this more and more now--the delight of serving out of love. I can't wait to meet the people I will know; the friends I will make. My life is full of blessings pre-planned by my Father for me to encounter, one at a time. There is no greater Valentine's gift than that.

It is:	Friday February 13th, 2004 4:11
Subject:
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	blank

So many things!

It's payday--I hadn't even been waiting for it, and it came! How about that. I must have been very distracted indeed.

I got my plane ticket in the mail yesterday. Austrian Airlines. It was so solid and official. As if I do this sort of thing every day.

I finished scheduling--almost--the three impossible meetings that have been causing me anguish all week. Doctors, for those of you who don't know, are the busiest people on earth. Trying to get ten of them all in one room to discuss one topic at the SAME TIME is... well, impossible. But I did it. :)

I may be going to the banquet tomorrow afer all, although without a male escort. But with good friends. I like things like that--not being limited by the world's rules. It's almost Valentine's day, and I am quite happily single. Isn't that odd? Well, maybe not odd, but certainly not common. I think this may be the first V-day that I haven't viewed my single-ness as a bad thing and gotten all melancholy about it. (In fact--when I was seeing someone, way back when, I remember V-day as being extremely stressful! Hm, I'd forgotten that.) My life is so full already; how could I fit a guy into it? Not right now, anyway. I love this season of my life, and in a way I am jealous over it. I love belonging to God and God alone... the single girl can love God back in a way that is unique and precious to Him, because there is no other rival in her life for her attentions. No one can love God the way I do. And that's a thing I love and guard protectively... "...and be content with such things as ye have, for He has said: I will never leave you, nor forsake you." ~Hebrews 13:5. I am growing to love this verse.

This week (and last) has been incredibly busy here at work. Not because of increased workload, but because I'm finally addressing some things here that my flesh has long refused to acknowledge. The Cross again. And I'm being so productive now! It's quite a surprise to me. I am thankful--very much so. Guilt is a horrible thing, and it's finally gone! I'm done postponing work, however menial and unpleasant the task. I told a friend lately: whatever my life turns out to be like, God's work is going to be obvious to the world--I just don't have any natural discipline to boast of. :) (...And I mean none.)

I want to comment on all your journals--all of them--but my mind is moving too quickly for that right now. I love you all, dear friends.

It is:	Wednesday February 11th, 2004 3:36
Subject:	Pray that laborers be sent into the harvest field...
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	restless

I've just received an email I have been waiting for--the following was written by a personal friend of mine, Debbie Colby, who is serving God as a missionary in Bangkok, Thailand. She is about my age. When I read this, I nearly cried. I wish I could go with her into this place.




( Please read )

It is:	Wednesday February 11th, 2004 11:50
Subject:	Decorating Pics :)
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	happy
She is: She hears:	Jamie Slokum, "Hanging By a Thread"

Good morning friends! Isn't the sunlight so beautiful today? It's spilling across my carpet in pretty square-ish shapes. :) I just wanted to put up a quick post and let you all know that I am well and safe in the arms of my Savior, and enjoying every moment of His dear fellowship. He is my heart's treasure today. :)

I wish I had time to tell you everything, but then, you might not have the time to read it if I did! Suffice to say, I have been familarizing myself with the Cross lately, more and more. I'm finally (after all this time!) starting to understand what it means to die to your own desires... and oh, how wonderful is the resurrection life that follows! That, my friends, is the entire purpose of death: life. I can't tell you what a joy it has been for me to give in and just do what I have been asked to do. Now the entire task is no longer an issue--such peace. I'm very happy.

You know how when you're doing well in your relationship with God, every other area of your life seems easy? Things you used to struggle with now come naturally and you enjoy doing them. Life falls into order. At least, that's how it often is with me. And now I understand why! Enjoying intimacy with God gives you such a taste of life that you are not afraid of dying to yourself--your heart is anticipating the joy of resurrection that always follows. I want to edify my Lord in the decisions I make.

Ok, now for my secondary purpose in this post. (I am not being as brief as I had planned, but that's to be expected with me, I suppose!) My recent together-ness has sloshed over into the area of cleaning/decorating, and I wanted to share with you some shots of what my bedroom looks like now.

( Pictures of my latest decorating efforts! )

That's all! I'll try to post again later, but I've been very busy here at work (this is a good thing! Lol) and may not be able to. We'll see.

Love to you all.

Oh!

My Pastor just emailed me--my Pastor from my home church in New York--and look what he wrote!

"Hi Rita,
It was great hearing from you! Just a quick note to say we took a love offering for you and you should receive a check for $-- for you to use towards your trip. Hope this helps - have a great time! You are loved!


Pastor Morin

It is:	Friday February 6th, 2004 3:29
Subject:	Carried in His arms
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	thankful
She is: She hears:	Hillsongs Instrumental

I was leaving for work yesterday and when I stepped outside to my car, I heard a sound in the background... it turned out to be some machinery or something, but at first it sounded like the creek I grew up next to! That never-ceasing soft rush of the cold water. It used to lull me to sleep at night. I was just overcome with homesickness. And just last night I was making myself a cup of chamomile tea, and the scent reminded me of the chamomile plants that grew along the side of the road where I lived. You know how one whiff of a certain scent will flood your mind with memory? That's how it was. ::Sigh:: I miss it all. I feel like a very small girl today.

On a happier note, I paid for my plane ticket today! There's no turning back now... who would have ever thought I'd be a world traveler! Such a thing. God is constantly surprising me--I suspect that He takes great delight in it! As long as His presence goes with me, I'll never be afraid. There is such comfort when He holds my hand... even when I feel blindfolded against the future, I can rest and have joy.

I was talking with a friend recently, and mentioned that it never sat right with me about how Moses was not allowed to enter the Promised Land. It seemed such a harsh consequence for disobeying God. But my friend (my wonderful, wise friend!) answered with a question: What was waiting for him there? In the camp of the Israelites was the pillar of fire; it remained with them for the forty years that they tarried in the dessert. During those years Moses went in and out of the Tent of the Tabernacle, "And the Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend." Moses didn't need the Promised Land, He already had the presence of God. And that was it. It was never a punishment for him. And over the years, he became addicted to the sweet companionship of His Lord... so much so that later he cries to God, "Lord, if Thy presence goes not with us, then carry us not up hence..." Where he went wasn't important. It was Who went with him that mattered to Moses. Lord, may it be the same for my life...

It is:	Thursday February 5th, 2004 3:49
Subject:	Blue and white, a sphere of light...
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	peaceful

Last evening, as I was stuck in traffic, I looked up to see the moon set carefully in a sky of palest blue, just like a bit of cloud that someone had cut into a delicate circle. The blue of the sky filled in its craters like pools. So peaceful, suspended there above the trail of halted cars. And what does the moon reflect of Your nature, Beloved? I asked. At that moment, the moon looked like a memory, as if at any moment it would be forgotten and slip out of the sky unnoticed. But of course it is not just an image, but a real object--enormous and steady and sure. It does not hang motionless, it moves around our world with majesty and grace, gently drawing the tide in and out. Yet all I see from here below is a small circle of soft white.

How sure, how strong is our Creator. From everlasting to everlasting... yet perspective convinces us that He is weak and unable to shake the mountain of our problems. We imagine Him distant and passive, mellowly waving as we cry for assistance. But this is not the reality; this is not our God. He is greater than our imagination can grasp, and more personal than our hearts can fathom. His love is so abundant that it causes flowers to grow where no eye sees them but the single traveler. His attention to our needs is more intimate than we are ever aware. He loves us. These are the things that we can hold in our hearts, as treasures. Yes, it's true. He is more constant than the moon. He is more beautiful even than the sun! He is brighter, and more lovely, and more faithful, and more tender than all that we know. He is not distant. He never has been.

It is:	Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 9:44
Subject:	The Mundane Wonder of Rita's Life
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	sleepy
She is: She hears:	Billie Holiday (In my head)

My goodness, it seems like an eternity since I've posted! Where does the time go? Weekends certainly have wings... Saturday was filled with outreach, a long serious talk with a friend who is struggling, a trip to the post office and the grocery store, a nice nap, and a phone call inviting me to a friend's house.

( Details, details, tra-la-la! )

Well, that does sound like a busy weekend, now that I look back on it. And Monday was hectic too, with a last-minute project demanding all my time here at work--I just barely finished by the end of the day (I stayed late), and had to fly to get to class on time! But I made it, and all was well. I got most of my homework done, and Sophie came over for tea and conversation afterwards. What a blessing she is. :) I wish you all could meet her.

I have a prayer request, before I forget... the tickets for the Romania trip look like they will cost more than we had thought! I spent quite a while yesterday trying to find a cheap ticket that won't carry us all over creation first, or leave us in foreign countries for 7 or 8 hour layovers! I'm getting worried... many of our group may not scrape together the money to go, especially if it's going to be more than $550. Please pray.

On another note, I'm considering going on the Atkins diet for a few weeks... I know that it's not the healthiest way to lose weight (they say it can't be good for your heart), but I do know that it works very effectively. I lost eight pounds last time I tried it about three years ago, and I wasn't on it long. I'm the type who needs structure in a diet, and I think I can do Atkins (although not for long--I love bread too much!) because I'm cooking more now. Meats and vegetables and such. I'd just like to drop a few pounds and fit into some things that I miss wearing. You know. :)

It is:	Friday January 30th, 2004 10:06
Subject:	A Recount of Yesterday's Embarassing (And Redemptive) Events
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	pensive
She is: She hears:	my fingers on the keys

Hello, world.

I have an embarassing story to tell you today. Normally I would never tell anyone (there are some moments of personal stupidity that are just better to keep to yourself), but because it is the foundation of a better story, I will tell you. :)

Last night after staying a little bit too long at work, I went out to my car in the far back section of the parking lot, only to find--to my dismay and embarassment--that I had left my lights on when I had arrived at work, and my car was utterly unresponsive to my attempts to start the engine. So I had to walk all the way back to the building, mentally scolding myself the entire way for being so thoughtless. (This is my no means the first time I have forgotten to turn that little knob when I park my car--that's why I wasn't going very easy on myself.) I went inside and told the security guard, "James, I left my lights on. My battery is dead." And wonderful James gave me and understanding smile and said he would call the campus security and have someone come over to jump the engine. I waited inside and the security guy came within five minutes. I was pleased to see he was the same guard that had helped me before once. This guy was black, maybe in his early 20's, and very respectful, efficient and kind--he didn't make me feel embarassed at having killed my battery. Since he pulled up at the wrong side of the building, I went out and rode with him around to where my car was parked.

As soon as he got in his vehicle and started the engine, the radio came on--and to my surprise, it was playing some catchy gospel music. He sang a few lines to it, and I piped up and asked him who the singer was. He told me right away, but I can't remember now. I then asked him if he was a Christian. He gave a cheerful affirmative.

Feeling brave, I continued the short conversation (we were halfway to my car by then) by asking him what church he goes to. He first said he was raised Roman Catholic, then said he was sort-of looking for a church to go to, then said, "Well, actually I go to ...St. Francis of Assisi. Yeah that's really my church." Since he sounded like he hadn't been there in so long that he had forgotten its name, I asked him outright: "Well, are you looking for a church?" And he immediately said yes! "Yeah, yes I am." So I said "Hey, why don't you come to Greater Grace? It's on Moravia Park Drive." And he was like, "Moravia? Hey, I live on Moravia Road! What time is your service on Sunday?" So I told him, and he said, "Ok, I'll be there Sunday morning!" And the best thing is, I think he will be there. From the little that I know of him, I don't see him as the kind of person who would make a statement like that and back down. He just seemed to be a man of his word, you know? I asked him his name, he told me it was Johnathan.

At that point we had arrived at my car and I had to get the hood open so he could connect the cables to the battery. I was still shocked by the unexpectedness of the conversation, it was almost like I didn't have to do anything but be there to tell him where and when. The car was started in no time and before he left he waved to me and said "I'll see you in church!" I was so edified.

Now here's the last bit. As I was driving out of the parking lot, I turned on the radio and it was playing the same gospel music that Johnathan had been listening to! I thought, Well, that's interesting! 95.1 doesn't usually play much Kirk Franklin! Normally they're all contemporary Christian--Watermark, Chris Rice, etc. Halfway home I started to really wonder about this as they continued to play song after song that was so out-of-character for their station... I looked at the dial and realized that the radio was set at 600AM! It had been scrambled when the battery died and lost all the station presets. I wasn't even aware that there was another Christian station in the area, especially not on AM radio! And I'm sure it was the same one that had inspired me to ask Johnathan about his faith just a little while ago. How amazing.

So my conclusion is that God wanted to make something very clear to me: One, He is very real and very personally involved in the details of my life. That chance radio station was like the Holy Spirit underlining this thought to me: I know what I'm doing, even when you don't. Trust Me. And two--I was so hard on myself for being forgetful and causing trouble and embarassment for myself. But God had allowed it because He had a purpose in it! I thought of all this as I drove home. ...For My strength is made perfect in weakness... It was through my failure that God was glorified. What a comfort to me! My weaknesses, my failures--redeemed, for His glory and praise. :)

It is:	Wednesday January 28th, 2004 3:56
Subject:	I'm hungry
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	loved

This is so romantic!

It is:	Wednesday January 28th, 2004 11:14
Subject:	Foooood...
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	hungry
She is: She hears:	"We Fall Down"

Darnit. [frown]

I'm hungry and wanted to get something from the vending machine, so I was digging in my purse to find loose change... I saw a couple quarters at the bottom, but when I pulled them out, they were all hungarian coins. About 190 forints. No american money. Grr.

Lol. I'm probably hungry because I'm burning this 'sugar-cokie' scented candle. It REALLY smells like fresh cookies! I'm soooo hungryyyyy...!

( Yesterday was good. :)  )

Ok! I'm off to do something productive now! Wish me luck!

It is:	Monday January 26th, 2004 3:53
Subject:	Numbers and an update on the concert :)
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	happy

Date created: 2003-03-14
Journal entries: 170
Comments: Posted: 392 - Received: 437


I just thought to combine the numbers for my blurty journal and my LJ, to give me a true count on how many entries & comments I've posted since the beginning. Wow! I am one loquacious female! Lol! After nearly a year on blurty (my anniversary's comin' up! One year in March! Woo) I have 187 comments, compared to 250 in LJ--and I started that in September! Hm. My conclusion: blurtiers (blurty-ers?) are very busy people who love me but can't always spare the time to say stuff. I love them back. :) Second conclusion: I love to comment more than I love to post, aparently. :) But I could have told you that. :P

Hey--by the way--the concert Saturday went GREAT!! After all the work of setup and rehearsal, we pulled it off beautifully. :) I was in two songs--"Kisses of Your Mouth", the Song of Solomon song, and the second was "The Value of One Soul." 'Kisses' is a song with such a hauntingly sweet melody--the chorus goes "Take me away with you--let's hurry" over a couple times, and that's the way it makes you feel. Carried away. It's beautiful. The second song has a very unpredictable but gorgeous melody, but the captivating thing about that one are the words. Lol- for some reason I can't think of a verse in it's entirity to share with you right now. It was weird singing with those bright lights in our eyes! It was also very nice to get so many compliments--I wore the same dress I wore to the banquet we had in November, but a lot of these people hadn't been there. Plus I did my hair--Karíne colored it for me, which made it a shade darker and just the right look I wanted. :) I straightened it and flipped it up at the ends, it turned out very lovely. :)

Okay chickens, I must go. They cancelled classes tonight because of the snow, so I've got the evening free but will be working on organizing and cleaning my room. It's a lot more work than I had thought at first; I've got way too much stuff and now have to find homes for most of it.

Love you all--stay safe (and warm)!

Rita

It is:	Monday January 26th, 2004 1:48
Subject:	The Cross is a Door
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	thoughtful

( What God taught me this weekend )

It is:	Monday January 26th, 2004 11:54
Subject:	(This happened Friday but I forgot to post it here--Oops)
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	ecstatic
She is: She hears:	yayyyy!

:) :) :)

She just talked to me about the request for time off--I think she just didn't realize it was so important to me to find out her answer. "Of course, I think you should go." And she was trying to help figure out how to apply for a personal leave of absence, since I don't have any vacation days left. I didn't realize I had to make it ok with the HR office.

Yay!!!! I'm going to Romania! (And Budapest-can't leave that out.) :)

Everybody dance!

It is:	Friday January 23rd, 2004 2:11
Subject:	Stress test
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	drained
She is: She hears:	Jamie Slokum, "Hanging By a Thread" (very soothing)

Aaaargh.

She hasn't given me an answer yet. Hasn't mentioned it once. I said in the email that she could think about it, but I didn't expect her to thiiiiink about it! Drawn-out stressful situations are a bit more than I can bear... maybe she read the email so quickly that she didn't catch what I was asking... she did end up opening it during a conference call [read: worst possible moment! Aaah!]) If she goes to leave today without saying anything, I'll have to just ask her. I had hoped to avoid that.

"The heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord." (It's in the Bible somewhere. Thank goodness.)

I need a nap. Feel so drained.

Tonight is the rehersal for the concert! I am both anticipating and dreading it... I'm still nervous about singing on stage again, although I was practicing this morning and oh--the song is so beautiful. So anointed. I hope it comes out that way tomorrow night though... ::stress stress stress::

Darnit--I need to STOP. What's gotten into me lately? I've been so not-like-myself. Too emotional and reactionary toward little undeserving details of life--which is actually robbing me of the emotions I need to respond to God with! You only have a limited capacity to feel for each day you know--that's why you can cry so hard that you run out of tears. You feel numb. I don't want to waste my emotions on useless stuff like this--I want to relax and give my emotions--and my heart--to God right now. To live in the fullness of life. ::Sigh:: Maybe I really do need a nap, and then everything will be better. :)

It is:	Thursday January 22nd, 2004 1:41
Subject:	Stepping off the Ledge...
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	nervous
She is: She hears:	Jennifer Knapp "Trinity"

Well, here's the update: I just emailed her my time-off request. ::holds breath:: She'll read it when she gets out of her meeting at 2:30.

Let's see what God does. I hope I can handle no if it comes.

It is:	Tuesday January 20th, 2004 3:49
Subject:	Blurty Goes On
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	peaceful
She is: She hears:	What A Friend I've Found

This is just a quick note to say that I have decided to continue posting in good ol' Blurtyland--I guess I'm easily persuaded. ::grin:: Thank you for building me up! Especially Ariadne--your words meant a lot to me, thank you dear sister. <3 And Rita--you're such a sweetie. Say hi to everyone back home for me. Love to you all. :)

It is:	Tuesday January 20th, 2004 3:37
Subject:	Didja missme?
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	awake
She is: She hears:	Jesus, Lover of My Soul

Oh, how I love sunshine!

It has been simply flooding through every window I've walked past today--this morning it made my whole livingroom glow with an apricot light that reminded me of jars of sweet jam on the windowsill. :) I've had wonderful times of fellowship with my Jesus this weekend, and wonderful times of fellowshiping with the body of Christ, "the fullness of Him Who fills all in all." :) I find such comfort and care in the Body. How could anyone live without it? In the Body is the fullness of Christ... living without fellowship would be worse than living without sunshine. Life without words of encouragement, life without an ear to listen or a hug when the tears can't be scolded away any longer. I shudder to imagine a life without people to express Christ to me. I was never made to be alone.

Well, to get more down-to-earth... (I am such a mental wanderer! Lol) I know you all are thinking, "Where has Rita been lately? I have sorely missed her lovely personality and witty charm!" (heehee) Well, I'll tell you. :) I had yesterday off (Martin Luther King Day; one of those holidays we don't celebrate but use as an excuse not to work) and oh, I needed it! I didn't tell anyone I would be free--that's how desperate I was for solitude! And it was glorious. :) I slep in, finished my borrowed copy of a missionary biography (now I can start on 'A Chance to Die'! Finally!) and went to K-mart to purchase a variety of rubbermaid storage bins, so I can store extra clothing (and believe me, I've got mountains of it!) in the damp basement without ruining them.

I worked all evening cleaning my room (it's been in disarray since the holidays--so good to restore order!) and then at 8pm went next door for tea with Sophia before our practice began. The MBC&S Ensemble will be performing next Saturday at the "Eternal Expressions" concert. I will be singing a backup to an achingly-sweet song taken from Song of Solomon, called "Kiss Me With The Kisses Of Your Mouth." The title sounds racy but the song is taken word for word from the scriptures. It's so beautiful--and especially with Ariel singing the lead! She has the most hauntingly sweet voice I have ever heard. It's perfect for this song. We've also got piano, acoustic guitar, djembe (african drum--nice sound!), and a voila! The total effect is perfect. I'm excited about it. We're supposed to wear ball gowns, so I'll have to wear my black velvet one from the Christmas Banquet. I'm going to borrow Ruth's red shawl though, and do my hair really nice. :) Yay.

Tonight is the start of classes!! I'm so excited! The ones I'm signed up for are so good--Church Planting, Introduction to Counselling, Theology of Grace! Each one done by a top-notch Pastor/Instructor. I am so hungry to learn.

I heard on a message tape this morning that we have been called to go beyond an appreciation for truth--our whole purpose isn't to agree with it, it's to learn it for the purpose of teaching it to someone else. They say you never really know anything until you have to teach it! But it just makes sense--the Bible says that we are to study so we'll be ready to answer any questions that come. How many times have I appreciated and agreed with what I've heard, without taking any effort to really know it, to be ready to give an answer?

Before I go--Chloe, how nice to find fresh posts from you! Lol--I was quite impatient to hear from you again, but I endured! :) I love you and am so encouraged by your life. :) And Melissa, I look forward to catching up on your posts! And I'm very interested to see what sort of questions you have for my "interview". :) IM me whenever you get a chance, I'd love to continue our conversation from last week. :) Oh--and please, if you find the time, could you respond to my question in your "street preacher" post? I really am not trying to be difficult or argumentative--I sincerely want to understand, and currently I am totally confused. :/

Ok, off I go to manipulate data! Got to reformat a humongous spreadsheet for the boss. :) Chow~

PLEASE READ THIS POST

Hello, everyone. I am finally writing the entry that I have been tempted to write for weeks now. Most of you know that I've been double-posting in LiveJournal for a while, and I have made many new friends there that I encourage you all to meet--they are wonderful people and I have been very, very blessed to get to know them.

I've been discouraged lately though... the fountain of fellowship on Blurty appears to have dried up for me. Does anyone still care what I write here? I don't want to lose the friendships I've gained, but it's getting increasingly hard to make myself post entries that no one responds to. It's totally fine if you've stopped reading; I know how hard it is to keep up with dozen's of peoples' lives. :) I'm going to stop my double-posting and focus on LJ from now on if the response to this entry goes (for the most part) unnoticed. I've prayed about it and just don't want to continue talking to the wall here anymore. :(

Talk to me, please--

It is:	Friday January 16th, 2004 11:55
Subject:	Missionaries!
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	awake

Oh, I have just stumbled upon the most wonderful website! It's called Wholesomewords.org and it's full of missionary stories--the great ones, like Hudson Taylor, Johnathan Goforth, Adoniram Judson! AND it has beautiful old poetry written by men and women of great faith. :) I'm very happy to have discovered this site. To hear these real-life stories of incredible missionaries always stirs my heart... they were just ordinary people! And they had weaknesses and flaws, just like me, but they were available.

You know when Isaiah saw the Lord high and lifted up, and then a voice saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" I love how God sort of acted like Isaiah wasn't there. He didn't ask, "Isaiah, will you go?" He offers us such an incredible privilege to take part in His work here on earth. He allows us to feel the power and purpose of God Himself, impacting eternity through us, as vessels--chanels of His amazing grace.

He's not looking for the ones with talent, He's looking for the ones who are willing. The ones that have given up trying to be "spiritual" and just decide to follow God, even if the rest of the world--Christianity too--snickers at them for not fitting into their concept of what is spiritual. Those are the ones. And the world is not worthy of them.

Every time I begin to type out my thoughts here on LiveJournal, I am flooded with a deep desire to describe every aspect of my blessed life to anyone who dares to read these paragraphs. :) But there is no way. I told Chloe recently that it's like scooping up a handful of snow from the top of a mountain and using it to try and describe the mountain. God Himself is whispering so many new things to my heart, and I can barely breathe--I am so astounded by the depth of His care for me, the richness of His sweet redemption that continues to save me, moment by moment. When I come and sit and try to explain it, I can't. And it's agony to me.

What am I trying to say? Are words even enough? Words printed in orderly lines on a glowing screen, with no inflection of voice and no eyes to carry the dimension of meaning that is in my heart, desperately trying to come out... God has been so kind to me. So very kind. He's showing me a twist in the road that I hadn't seen from my place before, and I am intrigued by this new understanding of what my walk with Him is growing into. It's beyond both my imagination and my expression. God really will give me all that my heart desires. To know Him.

He brings me in a way I know not, into deserts cracked with heat, only to show me the miracle of new rivers. This life is like nothing I can describe to you. It has captured my heart and my imagination, and made both dance.

And that's all I can say.

It is:	Tuesday January 13th, 2004 4:51
Subject:	Hello all :)
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	drained
She is: She hears:	Randy Hodges, "You've Captured My Heart"

I keep writing entries that I don't post. Emails too. ::sigh:: I so wish I could have a day off right now! But with Romania coming up quickly, I'll need all my vacation days I can manage to save. My mind has been, as C.S. Lewis so aptly put it, "partly in a stupor and partly in a whirl" lately, the way you feel at the end of a long day in which you were rushing from moment to moment and finally it was a lack of energy that managed to slow you down. Hehe. :)

Did I tell you Maria--my beloved friend and dorm-head, Maria--is coming home tomorrow? :) Her doctor says her thyroid levels are back to normal and gave the ok to return to Baltimore. I have dearly missed her! Tonight, however, I am torn between two options: 1.), I can spend the evening battling off sleep to clean the house for her arrival (it badly needs it [frown]), or 2.), I can clean for an hour and then head down to the evening rap at the church. Pastor Scibelli will be preaching. With the trials our ministry is going through lately, I and many others have felt an inner stirring to be more focused than ever, more passionate about prayer, more intense in studying the Word. The raps lately have been packed to overflowing; God is doing something here. I don't want to miss it. But household duties also call... and I am at the *ahem* few days of the month where I have to battle pain and fatigue without the world knowing, not to mention emotions that get so easily upset. ::sigh:: O, how I wish I weren't a girl and so succeptible to physical weakness. I'll just have to manage. And cling very tightly to His hand tonight.

I love you all. When life turns right-side-up again I'll jump back into LJ full force! Promise. :) How could I stay silent for long, when God is doing such wonderful things in my life? :)

It is:	Thursday January 8th, 2004 4:36
Subject:	Quick post--
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	tired
She is: She hears:	Kim Hill, "You Are Still Holy"

I'm just throwing out a quick post to say thank you all for your beautiful comments; I've been swamped lately and haven't had a chance to respond to them yet but I will as soon as I can manage. :)

To be honest, I've not been making sure to get myself to bed at a decent hour these past few days, and the result is that I've been too tired for my brain to think of anything to say... At least, anything worthy of your attention. ;)

Sophie, my dearest irl friend, is flying back from London tonight! She's been gone for two weeks but it feels like a month at least. We're picking her up from the airport at 10:45. I can't wait. I've missed her so much, you have no idea. She has such a wonderful ability to calm me and make me laugh when I'm stressed or anxious... how I've missed that! Tonight you can be sure that we will put on some lovely worship music and drink hot tea together and talk until late. :) I must take a nap before we leave to get her so I don't punish my body again.

I love all of you. You've all been in my prayers lately... I'm so grateful for each one of you! How you have made me rich. :)

Rita

Well, my dears, it has been an interesting week for me! I feel as if there are a dozen thoughts buzzing through my head like excited bumblebees. :) Many of them are thoughts from the Word that are only questions at present; when the Lord gives me more precise definition on them I will surely post them here. For now, though, I'm going to describe the happy events of my weekend to you... which might sound boring, but it's the only way to get to the real news I've got to tell you!

Martina--my friend from Prague/London that was staying with me for the week--was to leave on Saturday night at 9pm, so La Tascha and I conceived a plan to make her last day in Baltimore an eventful one. After outreach on Saturday morning we rested and then drove to the "touristy" section of Baltimore: the Inner Harbor. There are dozens of little shops and quaint restaurants, as well as the lovely harbor view to attract anyone visiting the city. We took Martina there for the area's main attraction: the Aquarium! It's said to be the best in America. And as luck would have it, we were just in time to catch the last showing of the seahorse exhibit, which was to travel to Italy the next day. After shopping in the large and luxurious Barnes & Noble first we went over to the aquarium. My, I had a nice time! Upon first entering you are greeted by a large lagoon full of exotic creatures--like manta rays five feet across, huge tuna fish, and a beautifully graceful sea turtle. I could describe the rest of the aquarium to you, but I think I'd rather just show you a few pictures instead. :) Sadly, most of them didn't come out well enough because of the lighting in there... I couldn't use my flash or the glare would ruin the picture, and with the quick way fish move, most of the shots I got were pretty blurry.

Please tell me what you think of this! I just wrote it tonight and I'm thinking that I might submit it to the Yearbook staff, since it fits the theme of missions so well. I got a pretty cool review from my roomate though (although she's not American, so maybe she didn't get the grammar?), so now I'm kind of wondering if it's just me who thinks it's good... :/ Please be honest. Any bits you think should maybe be changed, please tell me! Thank you. :)


My spirit is on fire tonight...
I wish I could explain this light
That dawned in glory when I heard
The humble preaching of His Word.

And there arose desire strong
To teach the world redemptions’ song
A hunger that I can’t define
(thought sweet as water turned to wine)
To be a mirror of His face
And shine with love, and glow with grace.

My life—a story I must speak
How mercy bathes the vile and weak
And rescues they that take His hand—
I long to go to every land—
Mountains or Sahara sands!
And share this joy with weary hearts
Where hopelessness loathes to depart
And bring to them this message great—
The Jubilee—it’s not too late!
The Cross—O story to be told;
I’ll speak in love this message bold
And feed the hungry hearts I find
With words of grace, so pure and kind.

This rescue—setting prisoners free—
Was not alone for those who see
But lost and blind so need to know
That love has reached them, here below
And God, not distant, told our worth
By walking among the men of earth
And living a life of purity…
But darkness hated to be seen,
And on that eve the sky turned dark
And nails bore their wretched mark
The Cross was raised on Calv’ry’s hill
—Yet oh, it was His Father’s will—
That sons and daughters, killed by sin
Could now receive new life within
That causes every other thing
To pale beside this inner spring
That we, a people so depraved,
Might know that we are wholly saved.
Oh plan extravagant! Did I
Deserve to have my Savior die?
Yet though my sin did hold Him there
Joy flowed in Him--not despair!
He triumphed over sin and grave!
And purposes that all be saved
To carry us to realms of glory…
This is why I’ll live this story!
…Of wretch redeemed, forgiven, free;
Of life of hope, and liberty.

It is:	Sunday January 4th, 2004 8:24
Subject:	Goal-Oriented Me
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	contemplative

It seems that I am an unintentional murderer. How sad.

After numerous visitors had voiced their concern over the state of my two beta fish, (their water had become, er, quite murky, as I had been simply too busy with the holidays to adress the problem), I cleaned their vases tonight. Usually I fill a container with tap water and let it sit until it's room temperature, but since I was in a hurry and had it available, I used two bottles of Aquafina drinking water, room temperature, assuming that it would be a treat for the fish to swim in such a pure and pristine environment... I had often felt regret at subjecting them to have live in Baltimore tapwater. That was just before the church service tonight. I was horrifed upon my return to find one of them floating, quite dead, on the surface of the water and the second barely hanging on to life, wiggling one little fin weakly. I ran to the sink and immediately filled a vase with tapwater and I think now that he will survive. I knew he was a trooper. :)

Lord, will I ever be a responsible adult?

Ok. I've been thinking about something all week, and I don't know if I've got it thought out enough to make sense here in my journal, but I'm going to make the attempt. It concerns my goals in life.

Before I go into this, I need to explain what I am like to you. I am a girl who finds it extremely easy to love and accept anyone, to build them up, spend time with them, encourage them in their walk with God, believe the best about people, and restore anyone who's fallen... but don't ask me to keep a house clean for any length of time, don't ask me to be a good steward of my money, don't expect me to not make a mess of things in general. :) I just am not a disciplined person, and it has always scared me to think that maybe I never will be. God never made me strong in any of those areas, and I have always lamented the fact. Even when a dear friend would build me up and tell me how much my life has impacted hers, etc., I am still not able to rest because in the back of my mind, I know that my car is three months overdue for an oil change and the trash in the kitchen is overflowing. I know that there are bills unpaid because I keep forgetting to buy stamps. So here it is: my dream for myself is to one day become a Responsible Adult. Someone who will not be embarassed to have unexpected visitors in her home, someone who has mastered the details of life.

And do you know what the Lord has been saying to me, all week?



"For without faith, it is impossible to please God."

Well. I had never before seen it this way... how different my goals are from His. I want discipline, He wants faith. I want to master my weakness, He wants me to have faith in the midst of my weakness. Faith doesn't mean that I will conquer; it doesn't mean that I will attain all the things that I dream of attaining one day. It is an entirely different principle. It's the only priority you see when you are able to look fully through the eyes of God upon your own life. To Him, it really doesn't matter whether I one day get my life "together." He is looking for faith, because from the perspective of eternity, it's the most important thing. It's the thing that lasts.

I have been very thoughtful these last few days, pondering this. I want to please God in my thinking and my choices. I want to glorify Him. But I am starting to see now that I can't glorify Him without faith... What a revolutionary thought to me. :) It has such implications. I've been asking God in prayer to show me how my desires are to become His desires. How do I have faith?

"For without faith..." This verse, to me, doesn't imply that I am to sit in a chair and believe, never doing anything. It seems rather that faith is the crucial ingredient in whatever I chose to do. I can cook a meal, but without faith, the key ingredient, it is worthless to God. So whatever I find myself doing, I am to add faith to it. I am to operate in the Spirit of God and not in self. They say that faith that is not active is not really faith. Real faith is like the automatic door at the supermarket: you have to take the first step forward and walk in obedience to God before He will allow the door will open for you. He's teaching us.

It amazes me that God can actually take someone like me--with a mind so completely opposite from His--and teach me to think like He does. That is the greatest miracle.

*Yawn* Well, I think I have made a little bit of sense with this post. Anyone have a comment on this subject? I'm going to bed. I think next week I'm going to buy myself a goldfish. :) G'nite.

It is:	Friday January 2nd, 2004 11:41
Subject:	Spontaneous psalm
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	jubilant
She is: She hears:	100 Portraits, "I Don't Know"

I feel like going walking. It's wet out and pretty cold, but I have this sudden desire to pull on boots and coat and wool hat and head down one of those pretty trails up at Gunpowder Falls. It would be muddy but I might see a deer or two and I could take my camera and a thermos full of hot tea. I could just be alone with God and the sounds of the woods and the rain dripping from the trees... Hm. It sounds so nice. I miss the woods. Wish I didn't have to sit in an office building instead.

I bought "Third Circle," the latest of the Enter the Worship Circle series that I have been anxiously waiting for. It's so good! So many of these songs are so orgininal and comforting. Simple guitar arrangements and hand drums with lyrics like these..

"I know that you saved me,
But I don’t know--I don’t know--
How far you had to reach

I swim in your deep love,
But I don’t know--I don’t know--
How wide or how deep

I know that you’re good, Lord,
But I don’t know--I don’t know--
Why you’re so good to me."

Ahh, it just restores my soul to remember things like that. My God is gracious and compassionate. His kindness has painted my empty life with rich colors I had never imagined. His sweet mercy and gentleness have poured on my head when I deserved a cross and death. His strong arm has thrust aside all obstacles in His determined goal of revealing His extravagant love to me. And what kind of love is this? It is a surprise to us, for it will always endure our rejection and apathy and yet remain patient and kind. It does not boil over with jealousy; it is not conceited or tainted with pride. It is pure.

This love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not love like ours--that is touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it! It pays no attention to a suffered wrong.

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. This love bears up under anything and everything that comes, it is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything without weakening.

This love never fails to love us! It never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end. It endures throughout eternity! Nothing we can do will shake it. Grace and mercy shall follow us all the days of our lives, though we walk each day through valleys of death and sorrow. He makes rivers in the dry sand; He fills the air with songs from the throats of redeemed children, forgiven and free. He plants an oasis in the desert of our lives and fills it with the beauty of friendship and peace. We are so precious to Him, He is Emmanuel and He will remain with us always. He will never, no never, no never leave us; He will never, no never, no never forsake us--most assuredly not! Amen! Amen!

I'm eating a tangerine. Juicy goodness in a little orange ball. Heehee. I think I shall write a poem about my tangerine. Ahem.

::clears throat::

O tangerine,
that once was green,
and hung upon a tree
I thank the Lord
I can afford
a tangerine for me.

O fruit so sweet
compact, complete
ingeniously made
with sticky hands
my voice commands
a citrus serenade.

O brightly colored
citrus fruit!
your value no one
can dispute
such cunning package
for your flavor
I can't express
the joy I savor
Every segment,
cool and sweet--
O tangerine,
you're good to eat.

And now remains
an orange heap
the skin and seeds
I will not keep
but mem'ry fond
I'll cherish long
by tangerine's
compos'ed song.

the end.

I just found this on our church website and it touched me so much that I wanted to share it with anyone who has a heart for the lost. This is a newsletter from Pastor Matti, who is a Finnish missionary to Central Asia. It's so encouraging to see men and women follow the call of God, and how richly God is blessing the work in Mongolia and Western China!

( Missions )

Hey, you know how yahoo.com has all those offensive ads when you try to check your mail? I discovered that there is a link at the very bottom of the page when you go to your inbox that says "Ad Feedback." You can fill it out with your opinion (I made mine strongly worded!) about all the half-naked people, etc. and now they're giving me ads for diapers instead of weight-loss. *Breathes sigh of relief* :)

I've been super busy today and over-tired also, so I haven't done much else online except reply to a few emails, but I can't wait for a chance to comment on some of these great posts I've been reading. :) But 'tis not the time.

I'm hooked on this missionary biography. It's so funny, just the day before last Pastor Schaller was preaching this amazing message on the difference between judging someone and our call to be discerning... I want to post more later when I have my notebook with me and can give you some of these awesome thoughts. All day Sunday was so anointed... I went to the raps after both services, just to hear them dig into some of these topics a little deeper. It was great.

One of the statements that hit me was this one:
"We 'look unto Jesus' just like a Bride looks at her Groom as she walks down the isle." Can't you just imagine the Groom, anxiously waiting for you to appear... then suddenly frozen in place as His eyes meet yours and He is overcome with emotion at the sight of His perfect bride? Can you imagine it this very minute, as His bride is sitting reading a computer screen, unaware of the eyes of love fixed upon her?

Just a thought. ;)

::Drags herself into a chair and wearily turns on computer::

Well, dear friends, you will never guess what interesting turn of events has happened to me in the last 24 hours. Yesterday after my previous late night with friends, I slept in far longer than usual and enjoyed a leisurely late morning with coffee and a quiet house... then I got a phone call from La Tascha saying that she is very sick with the flu and wondered if I could pick up some medicine for her as she had run out. I agreed and as I was getting ready she called back and asked me to drive her to the hospital instead. :(

So from around 5pm yesterday to 8:30 La Tascha and I sat in a busy waiting room for the ER. When we had first arrived there was a couple just going in to see a doctor, they said they had been waiting for six-and-a-half hours! After waiting for three hours and taking some over-the-counter medicine, La Tascha began to feel a little better and we decided to go back to her place and come back if she started to feel worse again. The only good part of it was that, as sick as she was, La Tascha grabbed a missionary biography from her house before we left for the ER, just so I'd have something to read. It's one of her favorites, and that means a lot since she reads missionary biographies like you wouldn't believe--she has a whole bookshelf full of them. So this one is called "Green Leaf in Drought-Time" and it's written by Isobel Kuhn. I love it so far! I'm on page 80 aready. It's a small book but some amazing truths that God brought into the lives of this young married couple that went through some horrible things at the hands of the Chinese communists back in the 50's. Anyway, the book is wonderful so far and I'm putting it on my 'recommended reading' list. I'll let you know if I change my mind as I finish the book. ;)

I spent the night at La Tascha's house last night just in case she needed anything. We had an amazing time of fellowship and ended up staying awake until 3am! (That's probably why I'm so wide-awake now.) Then this morning we both slept in until noon (actually she slept another hour beyond that) and we ate lunch and then I had to leave to make it to my babysitting appointment.

I had agreed to babysit my boss' two grandchildren, John (age two) and Matthew (age three months). Oh, do you know how long it's been since I've held a little baby?? He was so precious. :) And such a good baby... seemed to be in awe of everything he looked at, including the curtains! He just smiled and cooed all evening (between naps). And he only fussed when he was hungry. It was so fun to hold him and watch him anxiously sucking from his bottle, as if it were life-or-death if he didn't drink it as fast as possible! I enjoyed it very much and it was nice to spend a little while with the family too. I think when they first met me they were surprised that I was both "religious" and also nice. ;) Heehee. That whole family is going to get saved, just you watch! ...And pray too, if you wouldn't mind.

So that was my day... Oh! Also (forgot to tell you) my friend Martina from the London church arrived today! La Tascha is coordinating her visit and had asked if she could stay at my house, I said yes, and now here she is! She actually arrived about 45 minutes before I got home from babysitting; with La Tascha being sick she had arranged for a friend to pick her up at the airport. Poor Martina is wiped out too; it's like 3am for her (right now it's 10:15). So she's in bed. Lol, it's so funny--the people in London had sent her here with a 'Christmas napkin' for me--Jenny wrote on it that she had forgotten to get a card but wanted to send her greetings! Lol. About six of them signed it. So sweet. :) I so want to visit London again!

*Yawn* And now... I have decided to go to bed!

It was so nice, by the way, to get all those emails in my inbox! I love you all and will respond to them tomorrow when hopefully my brain will be working above 20%! :) I even received an email from my friend Aziza, who is a russian woman who speaks no english and lives in Uzbekistan! She loves me to death and has invited me to come stay at her house if I'm ever in the neighborhood. :) Lol. One day I will visit that country...


PS--Please keep my health in prayer; I just spend a whole day and night with a person who has a bad case of the flu! I'm sure she was contageous... I don't want to get sick! Ack!

It is:	Thursday December 25th, 2003 10:20
Subject:	Holiday Events
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	sleepy

What a lovely day. I'm going to make this a short entry (I promise!) but just wanted to give a big shout of "Merry Christmas!" to all my friends around the world!

( Here's a quick run-down of 12/25 for me, just in case anyone would like to know: )

It is:	Wednesday December 24th, 2003 10:12
Subject:	Tetelestai! It is Finished!
Security:	Public
She is: She hears:	content
She is: She hears:	Dave Lubben, "You Are the One"

My long two-pointed ladder's sticking through a tree
Toward heaven still,
And there's a barrel that I didn't fill
Beside it, and there may be two or three
Apples I didn't pick upon some bough.
But I am done with apple-picking now.
~Robert Frost, "After Apple Picking"

These lines, especially the last, keep going through my head! I am DONE with shopping! Praise God. :) :) :) I don't think I could handle even one more endless checkout line or one more dollar spent. *Happy sigh* You know, even with all the rush, I am greatly enjoying every moment of this. I love my family so much. And I love my friends--oh, so much! What amazing blessings God has bestowed on my little head. :) And He, the greatest blessing...

Oh. I want to write poetry and sing and sing. I wish I were a bird. I wish I were in heaven.

I love the fog.

I stepped outside this morning and was surprised by a new world, as if reality had suddenly turned surreal and the world had abandoned its idea of being busy and was focussing now on softness and silence. I love the fog. The moment I step out the door it surpr