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[28 Jun 2003|11:44am] |
I went on a walk! Just down to the corner to mail a couple letters, and then up the street to check out a whimpy yard sale. But still, I went outside! Yay! I wanted to stay out, but I got tired really fast - had to keep taking breaks in the shade. It's so hot and bright out! Much less humid than yesterday, thankfully. Also my crutches kept tugging up my shirt and showing my belly to everyone, heh. Not helpful. I was fine though! Was definitely nice to have the boy with me. He always makes me feel safe. It was funny to see people's reactions to my crutching. Either big compassionate smiles, or total uncomfortable avoidance. Nothing in-between. People must wonder what's wrong with me, not having a cast on and putting both of my feet down and stuff.
Wanna make more cards. But I can't get anymore 4 leafed clovers until I'm all healed, oh no! Maybe in the fall when my bones are all healed up I can hunt for a few more. That'd be good. La. I'm feeling happy and perky today. I managed all day yesterday with just Tylenol, but I had to take 2 vicodin at night (one just wasn't cutting it) and I had the itching again. All of the sudden it comes back after I hadn't itched at all for over a month. Weirdness. Hopefully soon I won't need vicodin at all. I wrote an email to Dr. Millis saying I was running out and asking if I should start taking something else, but he never wrote back. Maybe I should try again.
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[27 Jun 2003|12:53pm] |
I've been feeling a little better the last couple of days. I took my first totally un-assisted shower today. I'm sure I could have handled it sooner, but I felt better having help close by if I needed it. I'll have to get back up and dry my hair at some point. I got tired hopping around on one leg for so long drying off and brushing my teeth and flossing and all that stuff. I finally was able to comfortably shave my legs in the shower too, which was nice. I was getting mighty fuzzy.
My back is still hurting (heels too), but I'm starting to get brave enough to roll over onto my operated side once in a while, which is nice. I'm wondering if once I've gone through 3 months of crutches if there will be any limit to my activities for the next 3 months before I get the pins taken out. My PTs said that trying to walk too soon is dangerous because you can break the pins, so I'm nervous about running and jumping and being energetic in general. Might have to wait on that just a little longer, I guess.
Last night I was itching from the vicodin for the first time since before I had surgery. I hope this means that I don't need it as much! I'm trying to take just Tylenol today to see if I can handle it. I'd love to get off of these painkillers and start feeling normal again. But I'm in an awful lot of pain right now without them. I'll have to see how it goes I guess.
I just read a thing about Demi Moore's new diet being comprised of no dairy, no meat, and nothing that's cooked. Mostly veggies, grains and nuts. Sounds kinda good, actually. I wish I could go to that Raw restaurant in Santa Monica. I miss the west coast so much. Especially when all this east coast heat and humidity tries to destroy us, heh. I kind of don't understand why anyone lives here. I wish I could leave. Just one more year of this place. I hope.
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| Cutest grad students evar. |
[26 Jun 2003|07:01pm] |
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OMG look how cute we are on the handbook cover! Amber looks like a china doll.
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[25 Jun 2003|12:28pm] |
I'm feeling a lot better today than I have been lately. I'm going to try taking the birth control at night instead of in the morning and see if that helps me feel any better. I still feel very sensitive and weak and slightly puky, but nothing like yesterday's throwing up and being afraid to move for several hours. I was taking 2 vicodin 3x a day for a while and took only 3 for a couple days and felt pretty terrible, so I think I'll go back up to 4 or 5 pills a day and see how that goes. I have a feeling Dr. Millis isn't going to give me anymore after I see him next week - probably he'll tell me to start taking ibuprofen or Aleve or something. I'll have to ask about other drugs to help me get through the withdrawal.
My apartment has lost every ounce of its charm, since my boyfriend is never in it. He's working 60 hour weeks so he's never here anymore. Sad face.
I'm in so. much. pain. Still. I can NOT get to sleep at night, more because of my back and my heels than anything else. I can't sleep in my bed anymore. It's just way too painful and uncomfortable. I tried for about 3 hours last night and finally came back out onto the filthy stinky futon out here in the livingroom. I have six pillows under and around me this way and that, and I still wake up in pain and have to turn and adjust every hour or two during the night. But at least with the futon I have a side to sort of support me when I turn on my side to try to sleep that way. I can't sleep on my side in the bed, it's just too flat I guess. It feels like trying to sleep is entirely pointless anymore. I don't get any rest anyway. Should just stay up all night surfing the web like I did the first two weeks I was home from the hospital.
Really sick of hurting all the time. Literally.
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[23 Jun 2003|04:27pm] |
I've been having a hard time staying comfortable and happy. I'm really tired of not being able to move around like I want. I'm such a physical person, and it's hard not to be able to stretch and twist and curl and roll and all that fun stuff everyone takes for granted. I am beginning to wonder if I have control issues, because I'm seriously going mad because of the fact that I can't put things in their proper place and clean up the messes that're around me. I really can't stand it. I almost knocked myself right over this afternoon (screamed like a bansidhe [banshee] in the process) trying to carry laundry from the couch to the bedroom because I couldn't stand it being out here and not in the closet where it belongs. I really need to relax and calm down. My mom has always been a total control freak, and I always thought that was one of our major differences. I've never noticed any kind of craving for control of my own. (I am used to getting my way, but that's more just my Princess Syndrome from being the youngest and the only girl, I thought.) But I guess it wouldn't be surprising if I inherited some of those tendancies sub-consciously.
I've gotten really kind, thoughtful people reasurring me that I am not developing a problem with painkillers at all. I'm taking it as prescribed, perhaps even a little less (I took just 1 vicodin this morning instead of 2). Most people who develop problems are the ones who start taking 4 instead of 2, 10 instead of 5, and it just increases and they start finding less legal ways of getting ahold of the stuff. I still have older pills lying around in bottles that I could have taken but didn't, so I think I'm doing alright.
I always feel so much better around now (4:30ish). I dunno why. I just start to perk up. Nighttime sucks, morningtime sucks, but afternoon and evening is great. I gotta remember this for these mornings that're so miserable. I think the constant, unending rain and clouds and humitidy has something to do with my grumpiness. I am sensitive to seasonal depression, at least a little bit. Always have felt that.
Maybe it's just the ice cream and coffee that has me perked up. :) My boyfriend has been the sweetest, most patient thing. I pestered him all weekend until I finally drove him out, IN THE RAIN, to get me ice cream and chocolate sauce and milk so that I could have a chokashake (that's what I used to call the chocolate shake that I had at Children's hospital almost every single day). He made me such a good chokashake. Mmmmm. Sometimes I think he's the only reason I'm getting through this at all.
Pisses me off that I get thrown into this world, and feel totally out of place most of my life. And just when I really fall in love with my body and with everything earthly and physical, my body betrays me. Annoying.
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| Surviving. |
[21 Jun 2003|03:39pm] |
It's hard being home alone on the weekend, even for a few minutes. The week gets so lonely, any company I can get is cherished. But I'm a little shy about asking for visitors. I should ask more I guess.
I wish I could have a little get-together. A kind of thank-you party to my closer friends for helping me out and spending time with me and being so kind and thoughtful and helpful through my recovery. It's tough being alone. I'm so sick of TV I'm almost ready to start studying! Horrors. :)
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| 3 weeks, 2 days post op. |
[20 Jun 2003|03:57pm] |
The cam makes the scar look much redder than it looks in person.
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| Improvements. |
[19 Jun 2003|11:26pm] |
I love having a laptop. I would die without it, because sitting at a desk is just not something I'd be able to do very well right now.
I called the billing office for the anesthesia, and it turns out that I have the "total" free care, which means that all of their services are covered after all, and my balance has been cleared to zero. Such good news. Best news I've heard in a long, long time. Mom and I have been fighting over email for a while, lots of miscommuncation (it'd help if she could tell the truth more often, but we won't get into that), but we talked on the phone tonight and things seem to have smoothed out.
Another girl with dysplasia who had the same procedure I did with the same doctor says that I can lie on my side as long as it isn't hurting me, so I'll experiment with that tonight - exciting. I did roll over and nap on my stomach for a little while today, and it was nice, but it felt strange enough that I couldn't sleep very long that way.
Erin came over yesterday without Marcy and we just hung out and chatted. It turns out the party I missed on Saturday was totally insane anyway and I probably wouldn't have done very well, so that's kind of nice to know. That I'm not missing all that much.
I felt really awful all day and mostly slept. I always feel so, so much better at night, and don't want to sleep because it's the best I've felt since I woke up, heh. I ordered myself another dinner to be delivered, because I can't prepare decent food for myself and I think the sports drinks and Slim Fasts aren't quite cutting it nutritionally. I feel much better after having a big freshly cooked meal. Even if it is way over my budget. Gotta eat well if I'm going to heal well.
I took fewer painkillers today and seem to be handling it relatively well. I'll ask my doctor about help coming off of them, since your system does get dependent very quickly. I read earlier today that opiates shut down your body's endorphins, and so a drug that helps boost those will take the edge off of withdrawal symptoms. I was told that medhelp.org is a really good website to learn about such things, so I'll have to check them out.
I think I'll eat a little more, watch Conan O'Brien, and turn in. Getting sleepy and hungry at the same time.
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| 3 weeks. |
[18 Jun 2003|10:15am] |
So tired of waking up feeling terrible. I wonder if it's some kind of withdrawal from the painkillers that I don't take over the night that's doing it. I know that your system adjusts to them, and I have had them in my system for such a long time now. Three weeks. Three weeks today since my surgery.
Got my first pressure sore last night. I hatehatehate sleeping in the same position every night. I can't stand not being able to roll over and snug my boyfriend. I can't stand just being able to adjust this way or that as I want. I have to just lie there on my back and it's awful. I always slept on my side, I love to sleep on my side, and my instinct is still to roll over ONto my hip to relieve the soreness (that's what used to work before the surgery, though I know if I rolled onto it now it would be the worst possible thing I could do to relieve the pain).
The girls want to come over to study, and I'm panicking because I can't clean. there're piles of garbage and dishes and recycling everywhere. It's going to take so much time and so much energy to try to get rid of it all. It's unbelievable how badly I wish I could just bend down and pick stuff up.
Ahaha, funny joke on the Today show. A female deer walked into the front door of a post office, cut to the front of the line, and jumped over the counter. (It was later tranquilized and released.) Well, stamps do cost a lot of doe. Harharhar. I don't know why I thought that was funny. I must be completely insane. Too much medication.
I guess I'll go tell the girls I want them over. If they can't stand the mess, then, they won't come over next time I guess. I'll be good motivation to get me moving today anyway. It'll be good for me. Right?
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| Watch your back for those anesthesiologists. |
[16 Jun 2003|08:16pm] |
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Just got another bill from anesthesia, this time for epidural maintenance and other "ih" care, a consultation of some kind ($300 to talk to someone, imagine), etc. This raises the total to $4,300 or so. I wonder how many more bills they're going to send me.
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| Instant lunch takes me 1.5 hours to prepare. |
[16 Jun 2003|01:06pm] |
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When I'm hungry, the slow, slow speed that it takes me to prepare anything that doesn't just involve opening a package - even instant stuff, feels like it takes hoooouuuuuurrrrrssss. Grr.
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| Am I going to be taller now? |
[16 Jun 2003|01:56am] |
I'd noticed for several days that my right leg appeared to be well over an inch longer than my left. Pre-surgery my legs have always been the same length, so this kind of freaked me out. I wrote an email to my doctor about it, and he wrote me back saying it was normal and would "feel" longer for about two months.
I'm in a lot of pain right now. I've decided to try going off of my long-term painkiller that I was using for nighttime, but it's rough. I always hurt so much more at night. I don't understand why that is. Since I switched to the weaker short-acting painkillers I've been in much more pain, more tired, and my stomach is upset much more often. I'm not sure why that is, since I've read that the two (I went from oxycodone/apap to hydrocodone/apap) are supposed to have negligable differences.
The boyfriend and I had far too short a weekend together. I'm so happy for him that he's working hard and loves what he does and is getting paid so well, but it's starting to hurt to be without him so much, and it's killing me to have nothing to do but ask him to fetch things for me when he's here. I need to get back to studying soon. I've been making cards for an art exchange. As soon as I'm done with those, I'll hit the books. It doesn't feel like the painkillers are effecting my cognitive abilities all that much. We'll see I guess. I don't care. I just need to finish a paper and start thinking about studying to take a comp at the end of the summer. Maybe. I can't imagine crutching to the computer lab in August to take a test, but. We'll see.
So exhausted. I feel like hell. Weird that the first week was really much better than the second.
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[13 Jun 2003|12:13pm] |
I feel better now. It's amazing what a little nap, some ginger ale, and a love-filled email from a step-father can do for a girl.
Oh and also vicodin. :)
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[13 Jun 2003|09:30am] |
I had a dream recently about getting my new 2nd scar after getting my screws taken out (which will happen in approximately six months). My surgeon told me that he will cut out this scar, leaving a fresh new one in its place, that will hopefully be as thin and smooth as this one is now. His first words to me coming out of anesthesia were, "I kept your scar as small as I could. The procedure took longer than it was supposed to, but I had to keep you looking as pretty as possible." Thoughtful of him, though I don't remember begging him to give me a smaller scar or anything. Very thoughtful, nonetheless.
Speaking of anesthesia, I just got a bill from them yesterday for $3,000. No one told me it wasn't covered by free care. Not that I would have had a choice to turn down the service if I'd known. It's not fair that there's no financial assistance for me at the same time that I'm bedridden and unable to work and compiling the most debt that's ever been thrown at me all at once.
I don't feel very well today. Upset stomach, very very tired, headachy. I think I'll go back to sleep.
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| Grabber stick stolen! |
[12 Jun 2003|08:30pm] |
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My boyfriend claimed the 2nd grabber stick for his own. He seems very reluctant to give it up. Of course he doesn't need it for anything except pretending he has a robot arm and pestering me and playing Grabber Stick Puppet Theatre with the pair of them. Anyway. I dropped more things and was able to pick them up again. That was nice. Maybe tomorrorw I'll put together all the bottles that're all over the bedroom and livingroom that need recycling. My friend Amber picked up a prescription for me and came over and hung out for a while, which was really, really nice. I told her that the boyfriend called her an angel, and she went on about what a nice guy he is. We were talking about how both of our boyfriends are kind of reserved and haven't really spoken a word to each other yet. Wonder if that will change.... Amber is an angel.
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| Grabber stick! |
[12 Jun 2003|01:19pm] |
UPS delivered my grabber stick thingie from drugstore.com today! Here is a link to the product: http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=78309&catid=9830&trx=PLST-0-LST&trxp1=10782&trxp2=78309&trxp3=1&trxp4=97&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-LST
So far, I've been able to reach a pillow that evaded my reach all morning, get stuff that I missed when trying to throw it in the trash and actually putting it in the trash instead of leaving it on the floor, and it helped me pull up my underwear without straining my hip so much. It is VERY good for things that get dropped, since I can't bend down to touch the floor. More on usefulness of the grabber stick later!
A friend of mine is picking up a new prescription for painkillers for me. I've been on them for so long, it's getting a little scary. I might have to ask my doctor for drugs to help ease the withdrawal symptoms when it's time to back off. I'm trying to go as long as I can without taking them during the day now. It hurts. My hip burns. But I'm holding off until 2pm, see if I can make it.
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[11 Jun 2003|11:18pm] |
My hip was hurting earlier this evening and it just felt hot. I took hydrocodone instead of oxycodone for the first time tonight, and it seems weaker to me, but that might be just paranoia. I'm very afraid of leaving anything that seems to work well. I'm sure I wouldn't need painkillers so much if I could calm down and stay in bed and rest like I'm supposed to. I was up and around all. day. long. I couldn't stop doing things, it was insane. I've got to find some way to relax and stay put, because my hip is soooooo sore. And Dr. Millis says I should be doing nothing but resting and healing. I accidentally put weight on it today, sort of took a step. It was a brain fart. So incredibly painful, and followed by many weird twinges. It feels OK now other than a little more achy than usual.
Anyway, I just had the weirdest twitch in my surgery leg. I'm guessing it's normal to have weird twitches while healing, but it was pretty funky. So I thought I'd post about it. Done now. I'm exhausted. Bedtime.
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[11 Jun 2003|10:39am] |
I've recovered from my pasta sauce catastrophe yesterday, and feel much better now that I've relocated back to the bedroom for recovery. The bed is higher from the floor, making it easier for me to get up and down. I can't bend my hip past 90 degrees yet, but when I was on the futon it was so low that I had to bend it really deep and it was getting very sore. So this is much better. It's better not to be in front of the TV anyway. Regis and Kelly were sucking out my soul in the mornings, heh.
The insane physical therapist won't be coming over anymore! I'm so thrilled, because I was so afraid of her - she was hurting me, and insisting on coming to see me once a week whether I wanted her to or not. I'm so lucky that I was able to contact a liason which had the therapist call my doctor, who said, "NO PT for Sarah again for at least a month! She must rest and heal and do nothing but the little exercises her nurses gave her." THANK YOU Dr. Millis! Saved my life twice now! She was so intrusive and loud and overbearing and wouldn't listen to a word I said. I had to prove to her that what she was telling me to do was wrong by showing her the sheet my PTs gave me at the hospital, and even then she was trying to question me. Gah. Gone now! Yay! Seriously, it's so important to make those phone calls and throw those little fits when things feel wrong.
Today I'm once again too perky. But I'm staying out of the kitchen to avoid another... incident. Instead I spent about 45 minutes opening windows and organizing the livingroom that I've abandoned, and pushing dirt around on the floor with the tips of my crutches (far, far less effective than a broom, I noticed). I wore myself out enough that I'm happy to be back in bed resting like I'm supposed to.
I am starting to get really sick of living on Slim Fast and Boost. I really wanted a bowl of cereal or Cream of Wheat for breakfast this morning, but I can't prepare food on my own with the crutches, and the boy left for work way before I was ready to eat (6:30amish!!!). So I'm stuck with this apple and Slim Fast again. I have a cooler filled with nutritional drinks and water next to me to keep me alive while the boyfriend is off at work for 13 hours, and have just an apple and some crackers to eat today along with that. I ate all my other fruit - it's so good! I love fruit. I'm a fruit-addict again. Hopefully if my friends make it over this evening I can entice them into making me something warm to eat, or bring me some oranges or the bing cherries that're in season now (so tasty). Maybe a cup o' noodles or a microwave pasta or something. It's so wonderful to have friends who're willing to just sit with me while I'm stuck here on my ass.
I had three angelic friends come over yesterday to visit me. One, Cathy, brought iced coffee!! One, Jason, brought live flowers and a card signed by everyone in the philosophy department! And one, Chris, helped clean up the remaining pasta sauce mess and brought the new cooler and all kinds of other treats!!!!! He is the most giving, generous, thoughtful and true friend I've ever had. His existence is life-affirming to me. He's got the biggest heart and he made the transistion from the hospital to home so smooth and comfortable and easy. He's the rarest, best kind of friend. I'm so lucky that he cares for me so much. I need to write him a letter and/or send him some gifts or something.
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| Lesson of the Day. |
[10 Jun 2003|01:39pm] |
Lesson Of The Day: Do not Try to do More than you Can Your First Week on Crutches.
I crutched into the kitchen this morning, and trying to be helpful I started to put things away into a cupboard.
Instead of being helpful, I managed to knock a giant ten dollar jar of pasta sauce out of the cupboard. It came crashing down onto the gas stove, smashing and splattering pasta sauce and glass all over the entire kitchen - the walls, the fridge, the floor, and into the stove.
I stood there for quite a while having no idea what to do, where to start. My favorite new pair of shoes were ruined. I found a towel and began wiping off my crutches first, which are now stained and embedded with little chunks of dried pasta sauce. Lovely. Then I took off my sauce-soaked skirt and dropped it on the floor to mop up the area around my crutches so that I could walk a step or two without slipping and falling in the sauce.
I carefully picked up the big pieces of glass that I could find swimming in the sauce and wrapped them in plastic bags and put them in the trash. Then I used both kitchen towels within reach and just started wiping. I got everything from about my thigh height up, but thanks to the surgery I'm unable to bend down any further than that, so the entire front of the stove, side of the fridge, and floor were still coated in pasta sauce and little chunks of glass (a few of these poked me, but I didn't cut myself, thank god).
I had to call my superintendant at my apartment building here and beg him to wipe up the rest before the red sauce permanently stained the white kitchen, robbing me of any chance of getting my twelve hundred dollar security deposit on the apartment back. He reluctantly came over and did a little, but from what he said on his way out there's still a lot of work left to be done. I'm very nervous about the staining, but so grateful for the help. It's really not his job to clean up other people's messes.
Moral of the story: Don't try to do stuff that you shouldn't be doing when you're still learning how to negotiate your world on crutches.
The sunlight has faded, to match my subdued, sullen mood. I woke up so happy and delighted at the sunshine and ready for a productive happy day, and then I utterly ruined it for myself. I think I'll take a nap. I always feel better after resting, and I need some time to heal since I really stessed my hip in the kitchen trying to clean up what I could of the sauce. Ow.
Sauce is still all over my legs where I can't reach to wipe it off. Stinky. So embarrassing. Why couldn't I just let things be??? Hindsight is always 20/20.
I know I'll look back at this and laugh my ass off that I was so stupid and extremely unlucky, this day.
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| Kindness of others. |
[09 Jun 2003|07:26pm] |
It is so wonderful to have such a patient and loving boyfriend, as well as a dear, devoted, loving friend from out of town here to help take care of me. My friend Chris got me all set up with a cooler full of liquid meals and flavored water and a bowl of fruit after going grocery shopping for me. His trip to get me food and drinks have been completely necessary and I'm so lucky that he's here to run errands for me when I need them for a couple days.
I am a little scared to be left alone all day when the boyfriend leaves for work. His job is amazing and I'm so glad he has it, but it's long hours. So having Chris stop by just to hang out, check his email, open the windows to get a lovely breeze going through here, and get me fresh fruit and such is so comforting. It's really nice to not have had to face the boyfriend's first day of work totally alone for so many hours. I know I can handle it just fine - I can get to the kitchen and get myself food when I have to, but it's just that extra little bit of comfort knowing a friend will be over to check up on me that is so priceless. The kindness of people to do this kind of thing for me is almost overwhelmingly wonderful, since I have friends from school who're willing to do the same thing from time to time whenever they can.
I would do the same for them in a heartbeat, of course. But it's still amazing to me. The kindness and support of people I've found online has been so wonderful, too. I'm lucky in so many ways (being born with a dysplastic hip notwithstanding).
I should start thinking about getting some real work done. But the tasks still seem so daunting. I must learn to overcome this fear of things that need to be done. What good does it do me to fear them? It only makes things more stressful. No more of that, please. :)
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