| about the going awol. . . |
[11 May 2003|03:45pm] |
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. . . I just haven't felt like updating this thing in a while but I just found myself here ready to write. The past couple of days have been need to say the least very stressful, exciting, and upsetting. First, I've been worry about not being able to stay and being transferred to Italy. I mean it would be a great experience, I could meet new people, and I would be in a place where my talents would be well matched with someone else. I didn't want that though. I like it fine here with the people I care very much about. Tsuzuki wanted to help me be able to stay and so thought what about if I summoned a shikigami. I remember seeing him summon Byakko before but I didn't know if I could handle it. I wasn't going to just quit though and never try. I tried to summon Byakko after Tsuzuki showing me how to do it. ;;;; well I didn't summon Byakko but I did summon A shikigami. His name is Yuki. It's so cute! he's a moon snow rabbit I think, a powerful kind from what Konoe-san said. Well I was about to be shipped off to Italy and Tsuzuki came to tell me the bad news that just because I could summon, it wasn't enough. I wanted to prove them I should stay here. That I belong here. I was given the chance and in front of everyone I summoned Yuki. He was bigger then before but it was still him. Konoe-san said that I could stay. I was so happy! I get to stay! Watari was happy too as was Tsuzuki.
The night I summoned Yuki, I ran home to tell Watari the good news. He was so happy that I would have a chance to stay. We snuggled a bit and we kissed . . . I felt hot like Tsuzuki did that one time and Watari was my soother. He was the only thing that cooled me. . . . I wanted to be with him but that something held me back. I got him to sleep with me in my bed, holding me though. He's like a big teddy bear.
Yesterday I would have updated but I couldn't. Watari's experiement attacked him then Tsuzuki and Tsuzuki ate it. It turned him into a puppy. We tried to get him to calm and Watari shot a traquilizer dart that accidently hit me and turned me into a rabbit. I was not happy at all. Watari had to cover up the fact that both Tsuzuki and I were animals and Hisoka took the puppy home cause Tsuzuki as a puppy was scared of Watari. couldn't blame him but he was the only way to get back to normal. Watari gave me a potion that didn't work right away and took me home that night. He stayed up all night working on something while I slept as a rabbit in his lap. Well the potion works though it just took over night. We were late for work that day and Hisoka was worried about Tsuzuki. He didn't know that he was a puppy and Watari asked me to give puppy Tsuzuki a donut with the potion and a booster so that he'll turn back quickly and clear up everything. We were both afraid that Hisoka would kill Watari when it was actually Tsuzuki's fault for eating the experienment. . . . I would think that Tsuzuki would learn NOT to do that but. . . I guess not. anyways. I did as I was asked and snuck into Tsuzuki and Hisoka's apartment to give him the donut. I found him in Hisoka's room but Hisoka came home to search for Tsuzuki there. I hide in the closet and tried everything I could to get Tsuzuki puppy to notice the donut and eat it. . . . I couldn't stand it any longer and without thinking came out of my hiding place and tried to get Tsuzuki puppy to eat the donut. . . Hisoka caught me. . . I fussed up to what was going on and he told me to get out.
I got back to the office and told Watari to go home cause Hisoka was very angry and as soon as he got Tsuzuki back to normal, he would be on his way back. He wouldn't leave. He said he would face up to him. I wish he had just gone home. Hisoka got back and told Konoe-san what happened. . . .
Watari was suspended without pay for a week and banned from the lab as well. . . .
I figured that Konoe-san didn't know everything that happened and told him that Tsuzuki ate the stuff in the first place and Watari wanted to fix it quickly and I helped so that Tsuzuki could get back and everything would be fine cause he would understand and would clear things up. . . . my words were my own undoing. .
I'm suspended from work without pay as well. . . . Watari tired to take all the blame but I knew I need to be punished for not coming out with the truth from the beginning and not have Hisoka go say something. I guess he would have said something anyways. . . he's like that from what I can tell.
It's odd but when I first met him, he was very calm and seemed like a nice guy. How wrong I was. I tried so hard to be nice to him and try to be friends with him but he hates me. calling me a brat. look who's talking is all I can say. I don't like to hate others, like I can't even hate Muraki but I'm beginning to really dispise Hisoka. I hope he's happy that Watari is suspendened. I even gave him a dirty look and told him that while I walked out. He just ignored me as usually. I don't think I can even look at him anymore without wanting to punch him or something. I hate that he's hurt Watari. . . I mean hell! He turned me into a rabbit and I can forgive him but Hisoka won't even try.
I need to go talk to the land lady about paying the rent a bit late. I don't know if I have quite enough to pay for all the rent. Maybe during my time from work she'll let me make up the other half by doing odd jobs around the apartment complex. I mean the rent is due on the 15th and that's a few days away so hopefully she will. . . Watari's in his room right now just sitting there not doing anything. . . . I think I'll make some stew that will last us a couple of days cause we're both tight on money. Right now I"m going to go take a shower. I didnt get to take one this morning cause Watari and I both ran to work late already. . . . . . I think we should have just stayed at home today anyways. Well atleast Watari will be able to catch up on some sleep. He told me when he was about to go to sleep that he hadn't slept in three days. . . I think it was because of me. I'm going to get him to rest this week. he needs it. . . .
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| . . . .shock of my life. . . |
[07 May 2003|12:26am] |
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I just woke up a minute ago to find myself sleeping next to Watari. He held me all this afternoon. I wasn't doing so good and I'm thankful that he came to find me. My head is in disarray but this is what happened. . . I went to work this morning kinda nervous and all. Konoe-san said that I was finished with my training yesterday and that he was going to talk to Tatsumi-san to tell me of my progress and talk to him about what he thinks about me staying here. I was scared. . . I don't know I just had that feeling again really badly that I was going to be transferred. I was summoned to see Tatsumi-san and my fears became reality. . . he said that I would be more suited to be partnered with someone in Italy. . . Italy. . . it's so far away. Tatsumi-san said that there wasn't a discussion to defend myself to stay basically. He told me that my powers are very special and that this was for the best. I left his office and I think Tsuzuki heard what happened. He wants to help me to be able to stay. He says that if I can learn to summon shikigami's that he would ask Enma Daioh to let me stay. I hope that will be all it will take. I don't want to leave my friends. . . I couldn't take it anymore and went home. I couldn't stop crying when I got home. . . Watari came home from work as well and he tried to help reassure me that everything will be ok. He calmed me down. . . . .
I asked him if his love for me was more then just friendship. . . he said it was. I asked him cause. . . when I knew that I was going to be transferred I could only think about how I would hurt him. . . I knew then I loved him too.
I fell asleep against him and he stayed by me the whole afternoon. He's still asleep and I'm going to crawl back in next to him. I'm going to work hard to stay. . . for him and for everyone that doesn't want me to leave. and so I won't lose being with my friends. . .
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| ha ha ha. . . very funny. . . |
[05 May 2003|03:31pm] |
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-_- I'm a bit surprised by the sick practical joke that Tsuzuki and Hisoka played on Watari. To stoop so low as to make Watari think that they had baked 003, was very unlike them. I think Watari was about to have a nervous breakdown or something. It was a good thing that 003 come in when he did, or else Watari would be very upset right now and would most likely blow up the lab. I'm still glad to see that 003 is back though. We may have started off on the wrong foot but he's a cute little owl. Anyways, it's good for him to be back. Watari and I were worried over him. I think I'll pick him up something special from the pet store on my way home from training. I hope I finish with that soon. well in a way I am anyways. I still don't know if I'm going to be transferred. Tsuzuki said that I shouldn't be since this department doesn't have many employees and they need all the help they can get. I hope so but I won't know till after I've finished my training. I'm progressing quite well from what I'm being told. . . . I can't shake that feeling though that I'm going to be transferred. I don't know why but I wish I could. I like being here. Even with all the events that have happened I feel very safe here with Tsuzuki, even Hisoka, Tatsumi-san, and Watari. . . how do I feel about him. . . I still can't sort through my feelings. I care about him and everything, it feels right to be with him, but something tells me no. . . I don't know what it is but . . . anyways. back to work.
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| warm. . . |
[05 May 2003|12:57am] |
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003 still hasn't come back and we can't find him anywhere. I hope he's ok. Watari and I went out for a bit looking for him and to find some stuff for my room. It feels so lonely in there without anything on the wall. We found this neat store where I found a couple of watercolor paintings of sheet music and a violin turned into a lamp. We went there after we went to the movies. ;;;; We saw a romantic movie and well Watari put his arm around me. I felt that warmth again. There was this guy behind us though that thought it was digusting. I scared him off though after I told him shut up. Watari and I went back home and we bought some pastries from the baker and had those. After that, we sat down to watch some TV. Nothing on as usually and I turned on the radio. Watari sang a little lullaby that his mom use to sing. It was so nice to hear it and it just relaxed me so much. . . . Watari kissed me again. I didn't resist. It was so wonderful. My head felt heavy and he was trying to pull me up to breath. He pulled away and we just kinda sat there looking at each other. . . I got up and went to my room though. I don't understand this warmth that I get from him. I know he loves me but do I really love him or do I just feel his love. . . I don't know. . . .
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| the cat came back. . . and hissed. . . |
[03 May 2003|09:29pm] |
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. . . I hurt right now. I hurt so much I can't even breath without feeling pain. The ball was a disaster. . . I went and couldn't find anyone, not even Watari. I looked all night for Tsuzuki and he was no where to be found. I looked really hard but saw no one that looked close to him. After skipping the spiked drinks I'm sure Watari did that, I waited against a wall in almost plain site to the door for him to see me. A little before midnight I finally saw him. His outfit was definatly eccentric. I couldn't even figure out who he was suppose to be. I walked over to him and we began to dance. I heard Tsuzuki was a great dancer but he seemed stiffed tonight. I shurged it off. I felt light as a feather in his embrace like I always do. It was about to strike midnight when he leaned down and kissed me. I felt sparks like I have never felt before. I was so warm by his touches. . . . finally it was midnight and I leaned up to kiss him while I took off his mask and for him to take off mine. When our lips meet I opened my eyes to see his purple eyes. . . . they weren't purple. I had just kissed Watari. . . . he was back to normal and was very much surprised by who I was. I couldn't believe it. . . I had just kissed Watari and felt things I should be feeling with Tsuzuki. . . I went into shock for a moment before I ran outside into the gardens. Tsuzuki found me there and we talked. . . I told him what happened and he told me that it had happened to him but he thought that Hisoka was me. I think my heart about fell two inches into my stomache. He asked me how it felt to kiss Watari. . . I didn't want to tell him so I asked him how it felt for him to kiss Hisoka. . . it was the same that I felt. I was in tears. . . I felt like I had just had both my world shattered while I just shattered his. I love Tsuzuki. . . but I'm not who he needs. I can't be the one to make him happy for eternity. . . it's not my destiny I guess you can say. I wish it was. He'll be happy with Hisoka though right? He's the one that Tsuzuki loves so much and wants. I thought we had just made a mistake that night but. . . it seems that innocent mistake turned into more. . . We both agreed that it was best that we stopped seeing each other. I think he was about as hurt as I was to say that we should break up. We walked back inside and we found Watari being attacked by Soka. Tsuzuki pushed me into Watari and took Soka in exchange. I didn't want to leave him alone but. . . I couldn't stay right there with him either. Watari and I walked home together in silence and he held me last night while we both fell asleep, me crying.
I woke up and I was really upset all day. He basically held me for the whole day till we got a call from Tsuzuki asking if we knew where Hisoka was. I thought it was odd but I didn't care right then so I went to my room after a shower to relax. I decided later that I would make dinner. I sent Watari to a place downtown to pick up a few things while I went to the cornor store. I couldn't believe it but I saw Soka! I didn't know he was missing but I thought I would return him to Tsuzuki right away. He was so hungry and he became a bit friendlier to me because I gave him food. I called Tsuzuki up and he told me that he still hadn't heard from Hisoka and he thought that Muraki had both of us cause he couldn't get in touch with me. I hurried to his place with Soka to be with him and help him. . . . . I got there and Tsuzuki told me that Soka was there. I had Soka though. It dawned on me. . . Hisoka was a cat! Tsuzuki was not happy cause we all knew who it was that did it. . . Watari. He came over and gave Tsuzuki a tranquilizer cause he was about to explode and then Hisoka was about to claw him to death. Watari made up an antidote and Soka volunteered to try it out. He looked EXACTLY like Hisoka but with longer hair. He didn't want to stay human and turned back into a cat with the potion. He gave Hisoka the antidote and he turned back . . . he told us to get out being really cold about it. . . what a nice thanks for helping him out. He would still be a cat if I hadn't found Soka. He's still mad at me I guess. Anyways. . . I told Watari I wasn't happy about what happened. He felt sorry though. Then something horrible happened, 003 flew out the window. We looked for a few hours for him but couldn't find him. When we got back I went back to my room and locked myself up in my room. So here I am. I think I'm going to bed soon. . . I'm really tired.
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| the ball. . . |
[02 May 2003|07:27pm] |
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Well I just put the final touches on my costume and I'm about to leave. It looks really great. I can't wait to see Tsuzuki tonight and see what he thinks of it. I have to get out of here soon or Watari might see my costume. I think I'll be able to recognize him cause he's still 16. I feel bad for him. But tonight should be wonderful. It's been a great day as it is. Konoe-san said I didn't have practice and everyone just seemed happy today. Well better hurry out. I don't want to be late.
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| costume. . . |
[01 May 2003|10:33am] |
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The ball is this weekend and I can't wait! I keep hearing that Tsuzuki is an excellent dancer. I can't wait to dance with him. I did get some interesting news about that ball though. You can't tell anyone what you are dressing up as and you have to come by yourself. I thought that was rather odd but they say it's fun to try and find your date. Well I figured out my costume so I'm going to pick it up a few more things for it today. I'm going as a neo gothic with a black short sleeve midriff top, low ride pants, knee high boots, spiked collar and bracelets, just a simple mask to cover up the top half of my face and all of this is in black. I'm also going to get some stuff for my hair to make it black with some white streaks and some white face makeup and black lipstick. I saw this outfit in a picture and thought it would be cool to dress up in it. I told Tsuzuki to look for me though and told him I would be wearing all black. I can't wait to see everyone else's costume.
Oh Watari is still stuck as a 16 year old. I hope he gets back to normal before the ball or he'll be having clutzy attacks and won't have any fun. I was happy to hear that he was going though. It'll make him feel better I think. Well hopefully anyway.
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| too much happening. . . . |
[30 Apr 2003|03:14pm] |
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Today has been blah. I've just been working on some paper work as usually but I'm kinda glad that nothing much is going on. Yesterday had many things going on and some I wish never happened. . . Well Watari is still a 16 year old but now he has wolf ears and tail. He's so cute! When he's pondering something his tail is just wagging away and it's so cute. But he's still very unhappy that he's still 16. Hopefully he'll find the antidote soon. . . he tried another potion yesterday as well. He gained the power to read minds from one of his potions. I was really nervous that he would read my mind and find out about the possiblity of being transferred. I know that Tatsumi-san said that it just depends but the more I keep sharping my abilities. . . the more I begin to think that I might be put into a different apartment. . . . Anyways. . . Oh, Watari read Tsuzuki's mind and apparently he was thinking very naughty things. I hadn't seen Watari blush like that! It even caused an overload in his head and Tsuzuki and I took him to the infirmary to rest. I did my best to heal his wounds and to calm him. . . . He still thinks that he hasn't told me that he loves me. He was mumbling in his sleep thinking about how to tell me. I felt really bad about it. I've broken his heart. . . I never wanted to hurt anyone. Then things became even more complicated. . . Tsuzuki and I went to the apartment to have some lunch. I showed him the wonderful view from my window. I told him I loved him. . . He cried. It seem like he had been holding in so much and have never heard those words. . . It pained me a little while he cried of saying it. I do love him but. . . something hurt while saying it but it was dull. . . I wanted to tell him though. It felt right till that pain. . . . I think I'm going to go straight home after training. I'll pick something up for dinner for Watari and me and then I'll just go lock myself in my room. I feel like just being by myself tonight. Well better get back to work.
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| in other news. . . |
[29 Apr 2003|12:44pm] |
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Yesterday seemed a bit off. I don't know why but it just did. . . wait I do. First, I had the surprise of my life the other day. Watari accidently turned himself back into being a 16 year old. That was odd in it's self but he's really mad and upset about it. He didn't have a good life when he was 16 I guess and well neither did I. Sadly he's really clumsy right now since his center of balance is out of wack. I feel bad for him everytime he falls and hurting himself even more. I decided that I would stay near to him for a bit and on the way home from Tsuzuki's house helping him pack, Watari fell again. I went to help him and all but he got mad at me saying I treat him like a child and then he just all of a sudden kissed me. . . it was a small kiss but still a kiss. . . I kinda felt something but kinda didn't if you know what I mean. I mean it wasn't that spark I feel whenever Tsuzuki kisses me but it was something. . . maybe it's guilt I don't know. He ran off after he kissed me to go home. I wanted to chase after him but something kept me back. I went back to Tsuzuki's. He has a cat now apparently. He said he found it and he gave it a bit to eat. Well all I know is is that that cat doesn't like me. He gave me a really evil glare and then later he bite my leg! Tsuzuki gave him some food so we could sneak away. . . . . I think something was bothering Tsuzuki that night. I'm not too sure what it was but I know it was something. Anyways, the next day I brought everyone some cinnamon rolls. I even gave one to Hisoka but I think Tsuzuki got that one. Watari is still 16 and I'm trying not to treat him like a kid. I just basically stayed away from him the day. I felt bad about it though . . . I mean he's still my friend and partner. Well I didn't go to Tsuzuki's last night cause he was busy moving into his new apartment. I'm kinda glad I didn't cause it gave me sometime to spend time with Watari to make him feel better. I made some homemade pizza with him. That seemed to cheer him up a bit. Either that or the flour fight we got into ;;;;; Still working on getting the flour off the ceiling. Well he's in his lab working on trying to find the antidote so he can be back to normal. Tsuzuki seems really tired. I wonder how long he was working on moving last night. Oh well. I still don't know what I'm doing tonight. Guess I'll find out after practice. Oh! I'm getting better by the way. I should be done with training soon hopefully. And also this ball is coming up soon. I heard it's really a blast and I can't wait to go.
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| Strawberries and Cream. . . . |
[28 Apr 2003|08:27am] |
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I'm so happy right now. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I would be happy after last night, but I could see why because of earlier that day. Tsuzuki and I had breakfast yesterday you could say and then I was on cloud nine all day. I was just so happy to be near him and to see his smile. He even made me blush a couple of times just looking at me like he did the night before making me think of how wonderful it was. I just had a cheerful outlook all day yesterday. Even at practice I felt like I could do anything with my powers but that did cause me to be distracted and I think I put Konoe-san under a trance. ;;;;; Oh well a little cold water never hurt anyone. I was sorry that I did miss Watari when he came back from his vacation. He brought me and Tsuzuki two puppies holding a heart stuffed animal. They were so cute.
I went to Tsuzuki's the next night to help him with some of his packing. We got through the living room and we're going to tackle the kitchen tomorrow. We did have a bit of dinner of pizza. I played a bit of my violin for him which he seemed to enjoy. Then we had "dessert". Well he had dessert anyways. He didn't even let me have one strawberry but he said he would share tonight. I still feel flushed thinking about last night too. We didn't get past dessert though. Watari called saying he was stuck to the ceiling of the lab and needed me right away. . . .
Went to the lab and I found out he wasn't stuck and just wanted to talk to me. He told me that he loved me even though he didn't think it would change anything. I told him that I knew already and that I was sorry for reading his journal that one time. He was a bit shocked but he was hurting too much to care I guess. . . He kept smiling hiding it again. I know he's hurt and I don't want him to be hurt. He's says he's happy for Tsuzuki and me but I don't know if he really is. I seem to cause a lot of trouble around here. . . I found out that he stayed up all night waiting for me the night before he was going to leave. . . just to talk to me. I felt REALLY bad about that too. . . he didn't get any sleep. I think I'll make dinner for him the tomorrow. I want to help Tsuzuki finish packing today since he's moving out soon. We still havn't figured out what we're going to do about that. I thought maybe we go out on a date or something then maybe if we wanted to a few nights we could just um. . . get a hotel room? I don't know. I think I'm going to go get some tea.
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| feeling better. . . |
[27 Apr 2003|11:20am] |
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Yesterday was proably the best day I have had since I became a shinigami. It started out being very weird. I went into work today and went to go tell Watari thanks and that my wound is almost gone and I saw him and Tsuzuki laughin there heads off but their head was more or less being pulled back by their many locks of hair. I think Watari's reached the floor and Tsuzuki's to his knees. Well Watari's chopped his back to normal but a little bit longer and then Tsuzuki's to his waist so he could still give Hisoka and Tatsumi-san a bit of a scare. I asked Watari if he wanted some lunch and he said he wasn't hungry so I asked Tsuzuki if he would like to go in his place. Luckly I knew where an all you can eat buffet was so that I didn't have to worry about a high bill and Tsuzuki would get all that he wanted. Before we left though, he drank one of Watari's potions. Watari said it was a failure and didn't do anything except make you dizzy.
Tsuzuki and I got to the resturant when he started to feel really hot. He was downing soda and water like it was nothing and then he ran to the bathroom. It looked like he would throw up so I went after him. I don't know what Watari actually created but Tsuzuki was all over me it seemed like! He said he was hot. . . yeah he was hot. So hot he kept kissing me and was starting to make the moves on me. He kept saying he was sorry and all but I told him he couldn't help it, it was the potion telling him what to do. I didn't know how to help so I grabbed our stuff and called Watari to hurry up with an antidote and I teleported Tsuzuki and I to his apartment.
I let him do what he wanted. . .
I felt bad. I didn't want him to feel hot and touching me seemed to help him. . . and I didn't want him to feel like Muraki. He kept saying that Hisoka said he was like Muraki. . . . he's not.
Before Tsuzuki and I did anything but lay in his bed . . . naked. . . Watari popped in with the antidote. I was a bit embaressed for him to see me there not wearing anything since I know how he feels about me . . . I mean that whole thing was why I offered to take Tsuzuki out to lunch was that I saw it was a good chance for me to talk to Tsuzuki about Watari. The potion was wearing off and so I told Watari that we would be back at the office soon and to just go on ahead. I took my chance to talk but it didn't turn out like how I imagined it would be. I found out that apparently Tsuzuki liked me too! I mean I've always hoped he did and all but I thought that him and Hisoka were. . . well the couple and I had no chance. But he liked me and he asked me to be his. The potion was gone I knew so it was true.
Everything on my shoulders seemed to melt away and I knew almost what I wanted. When we got back to work I did feel a bit gulity though cause Watari and Hisoka saw us kissing and I could tell how much it hurt Watari. He was the one who loved me but I didn't know if I felt the same way but he knew that I had a crush on Tsuzuki and now I had that happiness that kept me alive when Muraki had me. Watari told me that he was happy for us but I knew that he was hurt inside and wasn't showing it . . . Well he went on a vacation today so hopefully that will help him to clear his mind and maybe make him feel a bit better. I doubt it because I know what he's doing and that is painful in it's self. . . I'll still be his friend and roommate and partner as Tsuzuki will be to Hisoka.
Well at practice, Konoe-san still seemed to be in a bit of shock finding out about Tsuzuki and me but we got through the training session. Went home and changed and then ran over to Tsuzuki's for dinner after I stopped at the store to pick up a couple of things. I got there and we had a nice meal. Yes Tsuzuki can actually cook a little or he's just gotten better since the curry inccident.
Before we even sat down to eat dessert. . . . we. . . well. . . . let's just say I've never felt that wonderful ever. It was better then wonderful, I felt like I was in complete bliss at his touches. I never felt like melting like puddy until last night when I was in his arms. I just feel wonderful thinking about it. . . being with Tsuzuki last night. He was so gentle and so caring. . . We woke up just in time to see the sunrise. I thought I should had gone back home to see Watari off but I just felt I couldn't leave Tsuzuki there and him wake up alone. He's actually smiling again. as am I . . .
I had a wonderful night's rest finally. and even more beautiful dreams. . . . I'm stopping by Tsuzuki's again tonight. I think we'll just skip to dessert tonight. . . .
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| practice, practice. . . . practice. . . |
[25 Apr 2003|11:17pm] |
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Well another sleepless night last night. I think I'm going to get some sleep tonight though. It's been interesting around the office needless to say. We've all been really worried about Tsuzuki. He just came into to day to work and he was about as exhausted as I am. Hisoka said that he got drunk last night, I guess to drown his sorrows as they usually say. They had an arguement today and then Tsuzuki ran to the bathroom. He came back a bit better so he proably throw up. It's odd, sometimes you'll feel better just throwing up. Anyways. I went to talk to Tatsumi-san today. . . . I got my violins back. I think I'll put mine from my life up and display it in my room or something. Well my meeting with Tatsumi-sam was a bit unnerving for me. . . kinda my fears were revealed but not really. . . .well anyways I found out that. . . I'm going to be trained under Konoe-san to hone in on my powers a bit better so I don't out do myself like I did that last time. My training started after work so I left a note under Watari's door telling him I would be late. I started after work today so I just got back and found Watari working on the couch. I'm not even hungry I'm so tired. I'm glad. . . . maybe I can rest. . . . I feel so sore too. . . I had a little incident with Hisoka today. I was bringing a cake to Tsuzuki to try and cheer him up a bit and also talk to him about what's been going on. . . I'm just so unsure of anything right now. I thought I would get a chance to talk to him but Hisoka was there. . . . we got into an arguement again. What a surprise. . . I don't know what it is but I just keep getting so mad at him when he says something. I don't know maybe I'm just jealous or something. Well we got into the arguement and he said I acted like a foolish child. . . that made me so mad even if I knew it was true. . . I have been acting like a child thinking anything could be solved over just talking. . . he started to leave but I didn't want to just have him stop it right there and I grabbed his wrist and he flung me against the wall. Yes it hurt but not as much as the truth I guess. . . Tsuzuki came out and I gave him the cake and left telling him not to be sad anymore. I know it proably didn't but I wanted him to feel that he knew that I cared. . . I don't think he really knew that I cared that much about him and that I don't want to see him like this and that I want to help him get back to normal. . . I left him a note telling him I'm sorry and walked home. . . slowly though since it hurt too much to move. . . . I have to get back to the living room soon. I hear Watari yelling for me to not be a scardy cat and come take the painful stuff he's going to put on the cut and the bruise on my back like a man. . . that doesn't bother me though. . . . . why is everything so foggy right now. . . I wish it would just go away so I can see where I'm going again. . . .
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| suprise I can move. . . . |
[24 Apr 2003|09:07am] |
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I can't believe I'm still moving after another sleepless night. Nothing is helping. I don't know if it's I can't relax or I just don't want to go to sleep. I just don't know and it's bothering me. I don't want Watari to know. I don't want him to worry so I'm not going to mention it. I mean I can function and everything, it's just my body is about to give out. . . I'll just keep pushing myself. Well I can hide this from Watari easily. He'll proably be in his lab all day and he'll be home late. I think I'll buy lunch for Watari and me but I'll just leave his at the lab again. . . or maybe I just won't eat again. My stomache feels queasy still and about the only thing I can get down is tea. I guess it's just that I'm stressing. . . I know it's nothing to stress over but. . . I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I still feel. I mean I did have a crush on Tsuzuki for the longest time and then when I knew he didn't feel the same, Watari was there. He was the one that held me that night making me feel better. Then he got me the teddy bear. . . I mean maybe I do like him. . . but I don't know if it's the same way. I'm still so confused. . . and then to add to that what Tatsumi-san said. I just can't think about anything but those two things it seems. If it does happen. . . I really don't want to move departments but maybe it would be the best. . . I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. I'm proably not going to be moved. I don't know why I'm worrying about it. oh well. . . I feel a bit better now. . . I think this helped me straighten out my thoughts that were so jumbled last night. even if they are still not completely clear.
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| still not sleeping. . . |
[24 Apr 2003|12:06am] |
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I don't feel good. . . I can't sleep and I haven't eaten cause I don't feel like food. I've just been drinking tea. I just went to get me another cup and I saw Watari on the couch again and I covered him up. I saw him holding a piece of paper and on closer examination I saw a beautiful women with golden blonde hair. I've never seen a lady that pretty. It dawned on me who it was too, it was Watari's mother. It's cute, he gets his looks from his mother. . . . oh gosh did I say that. . . well. . . it's true. But I'm back in my room and still restless. I avoided Watari all day. I was doing mostly copy and filing today so I didn't even notice the time and it was after lunch so I didn't get to get something to eat and something for Watari. . . . I can't get him out of my mind now. I keep thinking about his journal. . . his actions. . . .everything about him. I don't know if I love him still. . . I mean I did have a crush on Tsuzuki. . . I found out most of the others did or do at one point and time. I guess it's just his charm that attracts everyone from him. anyways. . . I wish I could get to sleep. . . I can't keep this up or I won't be able to work. oh well. . . I think I'll try again.
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| tossing and turning. . . |
[23 Apr 2003|07:57am] |
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I could hardly sleep last night thinking of so many things. . . First ofcoarse about Watari. I still can't get what I read out of mind. . . He dreams about me. . . and he loves me . . . . I don't know what to say or how to feel. All I know, is that I feel so red just thinking about it. I'm so confused right now, I mean I don't know how I feel towards him. I mean I care a lot about him. He's helped me so much since I've become a shinigami. I even enjoy his company and I know I always have an audience to play to with him. I just don't know what to do. . . . I think I'll go to work early so I don't have to see him just yet. I'll leave him a note or something so he doesn't get suspious. I wouldn't be feeling like this is I had not read that journal like I wasn't suppose to. I just couldn't help it though but why did I do it? I don't read anyone else's journal but I just had to that night. Anyways. . . been thinking about something Tatsumi-san said to me as well when I was under my trance. . . it was odd but even though I didn't know what I was doing, I could hear everyone's voice. I heard Tatsumi-san's. . . . Do I really belong in this department? I mean they said I had potential energy to be in the summoning branch but now that we all know I don't that I'm not really cut out. . . . I'm afraid of being transferred. I mean I would be able to see everyone still ofcoarse but I won't be Watari's. . . partner. . . and I wouldn't get to see everyone as often. I still don't know my full power but from what I've tried to figure out. . . I have powers of an exorcist and I can heal. I'm not to sure about that last one but thinking back I played my music and I felt much better after I played it. Right now I"m at my wits end. . . I'm unsure of everything now. . . . even my worth. . . better get to work soon. Watari will be waking up.
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| why did I do that. . . |
[22 Apr 2003|11:29pm] |
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I got to get up today after been sleeping. I still didn't feel that good but I wanted to see everyone. Upon Watari's request I ate something and it did make me feel a bit better. After a check up, it was about time to go home and so we got an early leave and I finally got to go home. I felt so much better being home. I went straight to bed and I just got up not too long ago to get some tea waking up from a dream. . .
I saw Watari on the couch again. Does this guy EVER sleep in his bed? Well I went to get him a blanket and I noticed his laptop was opened as I was putting the blanket on him . . . . now I can't stop blushing. I know I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help it. . . . I just read his journal. . . . I couldn't believe what he wrote. . . I didn't know. . . that he loved me. . . . . . I mean. . . it kinda makes sense. . .but. . .oh gosh. . . . *blushing really red*
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| knocked out tired. . . |
[22 Apr 2003|11:50am] |
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I finally got to snatch a lap top to use to update. . . I know I haven't updated in a while but it's been very bad times I guess you can say. When Watari and I met up with Tsuzuki and Hisoka. . . He showed up. He invited Tsuzuki to dinner the next night. I didn't think he should go. Muraki said something to me but I didn't know what to do. I wanted to kill him right then and there but I was scared. Tsuzuki stood between us, I was grateful that he was concerned about me but I didn't like the fact that he accepted Muraki's offer and neither did anyone else. We couldn't stop him but atleast Watari mad a camera from the broken pieces of a camera that was spying on Tsuzuki. I heard something about there being explict pictures of him??? He recived them and wasn't happy. This was after he went to for a walk and he ended up at a bar. We should have stayed with him but Hisoka and I got into another fight. Watari and I left him in the hotel but when we couldn't find Tsuzuki, he did at a bar. Poor Tsuzuki. He seemed to feel better when Hisoka found him which is important. Well the next day came and until that night, we went to do some tasks. Tsuzuki and Tatsumi-san went to do some souviner shopping, Watari got some sleep since he stayed up all night, and then Hisoka and I were paired up to go dig up some info on that demon. . . .After the night before of us getting at each other, I was less then thrilled to be partnering up with him. But we had no choice. We found nothing, every lead was a dead end. Well we got back to the hotel in time to see Tsuzuki off. When he got to the resturant I couldn't bear to watch. I know what Muraki did to me and I know he's done horrible things. . . . I just couldn't watch. Then apparently he throw himself at Muraki to learn more of what happened the last time he was in Kyoto. Muraki said some stuff that must have hurt Tsuzuki. . . . Tatsumi-san went to help him but Muraki took Tsuzuki away. Then the demon was outside our hotel room. We followed it back to his lab. We saw Muraki about to rape Tsuzuki but there was this floating head in this huge tank. Hisoka destroyed it and the water seemed to have killed Muraki. We got out only to face the demon who was now out of control since it had no master. . . . . Tsuzuki was out, Watari was looking for a potion, Hisoka's rounds went out and Tatsumi-san was about to attack when I just felt over welmed to play my violin. . . After that I woke from my trance to see the demon was gone. . . I passed out after that and woke up in the infimary. Watari was there watching over me. . . I was glad too. I was happy to see his face and that he was taking care of me. It helped me to relax. I haven't seen anyone else but I don't think I will for awhile. I'm really tired. . . I guess whatever I did drained me. Watari's coming back gotta go.
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| that was odd. . . |
[20 Apr 2003|03:49pm] |
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. . . Well Tatsumi-san is sending Tsuzuki and Hisoka to come help out here. I'm glad. . . I miss those two. Even if Hisoka and I are on bad terms, I still want to be his friend. They're on their way and should be here tonight so Watari and I are going to meet up with them and then we all are going to be in the same hotel. Watari seems to be happier that we'll be in a two bedroom room this time. . . . I'm thinking it might be to cover up what happened yesterday. . . I wasn't feeling well and for some reason I felt I just needed to play my violin. . . .I felt better. . .almost healed completely. It was odd. Watari came home with something to eat. I still didn't feel like eating and just wanted some tea. While he was making the tea I started to play again. I played Devil's Trill. . . I felt like it. When I finished and turned to Watari. . . he was in a trance?? I didn't understand. I had to throw cold water on him to get him to snap out of it. We kinda left it at that. I'm glad. I felt bad about it and I forced some food down to make him feel better. I really apperciate his help for all he's done for me. Well I need to finish packing.
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| . . . . |
[19 Apr 2003|08:49am] |
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. . . . the scars burn right now. . . they won't stop burning after what we saw yesterday. . . we found the demon but it got away before we could get rid of it. . . .but that's not the reason why it hurts. . . the demon. . . .took everything from that poor human. . . the person's organs I mean. . . Watari went pale as a ghost. I knew why once the scars started to burn. . . . he's watching us. . . . somewhere HE's watching us. . . I feel so sick. I couldn't sleep last night. . . it was if I could feel HIS eyes on me. . . Oh God. . . I don't want to deal with this. . . Watari keeps trying to help me but I keep pushing him away. I want his help but something's keeping me back. . . Watari says we'll have backup soon since he's sending word to Tatsumi-san. I hope he did it last night when I pretended to sleep. . . I don't think he slept either. . . that helped a bit to help me calm down, cause it was like he was watching over me. . . I can't type anymore the scars are making it hard right now. . . .
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| strange few days. . . |
[18 Apr 2003|12:56pm] |
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I've been busy the last few days with some strange happenings that I haven't had a chance to update. The other day after Watari and I finished dinner, we decided to watch a movie. He fell asleep like five minutes into it, but I know that he's been doing a lot lately and doesn't seem to be sleeping well. Well I went and got him a blanket so he wouldn't be cold and he. . . .leaned over onto me to use me as a pillow ;;;;; I didn't want to distrub him but when I feel asleep I think I dosed off leaning against him. Well the next morning I wake to him with his arm around me. . . .;;;;; needless to say I was a bit surprised. . . as was he when he woke up. I decided I didn't want to do anything around him so I went to take a shower. The water seemed to take forever to get rid of that blush! . . . He kept apoligizing for making me uncomfortable but I was just glad that he got a good nights rest. I did feel weird when that happened though but not really uncomfortable. Well it was kinda awkward all day between us. I was afraid to look at him because I didn't want to keep blushing all day. Well I wasn't hungry that day either but I stil was going to buy Watari lunch. He was busy in the lab so I just dropped off a bento for him and went to take care of the plants. He left a thank you note on my desk when I got back. Well I found out that day also that we have a mission. It's just a small one of getting rid of a minor demon and finding the person that did it. Ok it's not going to be small for me cause it's a training mission and also I don't have any powers. ;;;; Well they say it takes time to find them but . . . I dont' know. I mean what will happen if I never find my power. I mean I'll be a failure to the department if I don't find them. I hope I do. Well Watari had to stay late to do some research on our mission and stayed late at the office. I fixed him some left over soup from the day before and we sat down and talked a bit. I went to bed, and he stayed up a bit longer. I couldn't sleep that night. I didn't have my usually dream but it still was weird. I can't remember what it was, but it caused me not to sleep. I went to go watch TV. Watari fell asleep on the couch again and again I got him a cover. He startled me when he moaned and I pulled my hands away from him. He looked so . . . unhappy. I pulled the cover closer to him and let him sleep with the bear last night. He seemed to have had a good nights rest because of it. I went to sleep finally in my bed, and I woke up this morning to the bear back in my hold and Watari cooking breakfast! ;;;; ok I was told, no matter what circumstance, do NOT eat Watari's cooking. That seems to be the way he tests potions and stuff. Well he assured that it wasn't "poisoned". we sat down and ate breakfast which was actually pretty good. Then we left to go back to the office to leave for our mission. I asked Wakaba to look after Tsuzuki's plants while I was gone. Well we're settled in to our hotel room. . . sorta. I think Watari is contacting Tatsumi-san and yelling about the fact that he booked us a ONE bedroom hotel room. ;;;;; Something about he's too cheap is all I can get from what he's saying. Well I'll let Watari have the bed cause I can sleep almost anywhere and there's a chair in here. Well, we'll be leaving soon to go check out a few places that some of the murders by the demon have been located. Hopefully, this mission won't take to long. I hope it's ok that I brought my violin along. I don't know why but I felt I need to. . . oh well.
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