| relax. . . not really. . . |
[17 Aug 2003|10:20am] |
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Well we are all on orders to go on this nice little relaxing trip that was set up for everyone. I mean like everyone is here. Tatsumi-san apparently got us booked as this little hot spring resort that on teh outside looks nice but on the inside is a love motel. . . great... Watari and I got this nice little room that has a baroque theme for it. Looked normal enough till you open the closet and see these outfits of rich people and whores... I know that Wakaba and Terazuma got a Jungle theme one of Tarzan and Jane, then Konoe-san got this one that is a traditional tea ceremony type deal but there are prostitutes all over in it, don't know what Tatsumi-san got, but Tsuzuki and Hisoka got the newly wed room. all except Tatsumi-san complained about the rooms. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I feel so uncomfortable in this place... I know we're suppose to relax and all but how can you when everywhere in this place it screams go skrew someone! . . . Watari wanted to last night I could tell. I came back from a walk to get around it and I found him passed out on the bed wearing one of those outfits. . . I woke to find that he had picked me up off my little bed in the floor and put me up on the bed. This is making everything that happened worse. I don't want to think about what happened but I can't help but be reminded. I hate being here. I just want to go home and sit in my room reading a book or just laying there in bed in the quite dark. .... I feel bad for not telling Watari that I just can't. I don't know why I guess I'm just afraid to. I still love him and all but I just want to forget everything. . . . . maybe I'll try that piece of music I have to forget stuff. maybe it'll work on me. . . I'll think about it though as I take another walk in the gardens. I really like the drum bridge they have. it's so quite there. . .
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| stained. . . |
[11 Aug 2003|03:42pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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Siam Shade - Tears I Cried |
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It seems that ever since the mission to deal the demon portal, everything has been going down. I was being cold and distant to Watari. I didn't mean to though but atleast I wasn't mean about it. I mean we did cuddle and everything like we use to but I just didn't feel comfortable doing anything else. I also still feel bad I wasn't there for him. He kept asking me if I was mad at him but how can I be mad at him if it was my fault. . . anyways. Not to long after we got back I started to get really bad headaches. Don't know why but I broke down and asked Watari for something to help. That didn't go to well. . . I ended up with Hisoka's hair color and then a punch in the face from Hisoka as well. That last one was due to the fact I lost my mind basically. . . . I didn't realize what I had done but I um. . . kissed Hisoka. Hence I got hit. I don't blame him or anything. I feel bad for it and I still haven't apoligized for that. I was out most of the day and didn't get to tell him before we had to leave.
yeah leave. . . we left on a mission. Orders from up above you can say. Apparently an abandoned lab of Muraki's was found and they needed Watari to investigate. I went out while he was at the lab to inquire to the local neighbors. Nothing came up till I was in alley way. The cursed flared up. It hurt more then it usually did so I knew Muraki was close. He knew too for the next thing I knew I had been captured and tied up. I awoke to Watari sitting down in front of him looking at me in wanting to help me. Muraki was using me to make Watari do him a favor. . . Muraki had the body of Tsuzuki. . . he wanted Watari to make it come to life. . . and if he didn't I was to be hurt or he would be hurt. Watari complied not wanting me to suffer but Muraki showed me what pain was like again. . .
He cut me open right in front of Watari when Watari was trying to sabotoge his project. Watari gave me a fast heal potion but it was having trouble keeping up. I can still feel the knife on my skin as he retraced my curse over and over making it deeper after I started to heal. He said that I was a replacement till his real "doll" came along. I knew he was talking about Hisoka. I took as much as I could. I even had to play on a violin for him but I was fed up and threw it breaking it. He wasn't pleased with this. . . .
He went to go check on Watari's progress and sent one of his lackies to skrew me and kill me if they wanted since I can't die a mortal death. . . Muraki left and the guy ripped off the sheets on me and started to touch me trying to pin me and I grabbed the bow of the violin and stabbed him with it. I could feel his warm blood drip onto my hands. I pushed him off and he was dead. I killed him. . . .Konoe-san said he was due in a couple of weeks anything but I took his life. I didn't feel remorse when I did it either. . . . I didn't mean to kill him I was just tired of being raped over and over again by Muraki as it was and I didn't want another one to touch me. . .
Watari make it out safe and was badly injured after he tried to get me out of there but Muraki wasn't happy that I killed one of his men. He touched me again and stabbed me, pinning me to the bed with bits from the violin. . . thankfully Tatsumi-san and Hisoka came and he gave up on me. Tatsumi-san was the one that helped get me back . . . he had too. I lost too much blood and everything that Muraki did to me made me slip. . . shinigami can die and it's said that their death is cold and dark with nothing but nightmares as you are just there but not. . . I slipped and almost wasn't able to come back. The cold over took me. . . I never want to die like that. I want to finish and then be able to go on with Watari. I feel sorry for all the others that are trapped in the darkness. it was a neverending maze watching everything around you die just because you are there. it's like purgatory I guess you can say but you will never get out. I was lucky that I was saved by Hisoka, Wakaba, and Tatsumi-san. They didn't give up on me.
I awoke to find out what happened to Tsuzuki. I remember seeing him stab Muraki with his own hand . . . in a living body. . . his living body. he looked the same but with white hair. after that I don't remember what happened since I grew cold then. I found out later that he had to die again and now he's back to normal. I don't know how they were able to kill him and get him out of that body but somehow it was done.
Watari and I are on sick leave though. I'm still weak from everything and my body can't heal as fast as Tsuzuki and Hisoka's. Watari is worrying over me a lot too. I don't want him to have that fear that I will be hurt. and I never want to ever see him hurt either. I worried about him right now more then ever. He had some major injures and he's not taking it easy cause he just wants to stay by my side and watch over me. I got him to sleep though at least but I need to hurry and get better so he'll relax.
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| mission complete. . . |
[26 Jul 2003|09:16am] |
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Well it's FINALLY over thankfully. Watari and I found the demon hole, sealed it, found out who did it, but the person in control sacrificed themself and thus case closed. It was apparently the Chairman that summoned the demon but the demon didn't like him or something, and decided that his niece, this girl in my music class, would be the one that would be leader of an occult for him. I infitrated one of the meetings and found out I was to be a sacrifice. Watari followed me. He saved me at the last moment and we closed the portal. The girl tried to stop us but ended up losing her soul to never be taken to either world and is now just an empty shell. Clean up crew has taken care of the details. The Chairman is still clueless about his wrong doings and we can't charge him or do anything because of that. I would love to kick his ass myself. . . . I found out yesterday that he made the moves on Watari again. Usually I've been there to watch and make sure that the Chairman does nothing to Watari but this time I wasn't. I was staking out the meeting place. Anyway. . . He appartently was more presistant that night to get Watari into bed. I don't know exactly what happened but Watari ended up giving up his body to him in order to get a ride back so he could meet up with me. He wasn't thinking about the fact that he could just apparate over to where he needs to be and he just got into the car and the Chairman. . . well he "pleasured" Watari would be the best way to say. . . they didn't sleep together but I'm still not happy at the fact that Watari gave in so easily and that I wasn't there. That's what I'm really upset about. That I wasn't there. I should have been there to watch him and make sure that stupid Chairman didn't touch him . . . but no I wasn't. I'm still kicking myself for that. . . I've been distant from Watari since I found out about that cause I feel like I dont deserve to be in his presence right now for him to go through that. He's being pouty because of it though. I hate this. I mean it's hard right now to not be angry at him as well for giving in to the Chairman but I'm angry at myself for not being there to not let it happen. grrr I don't make sense right now. . . . even if I went in there and told him I wasn't upset at him but at myself, and we did anything I know he would feel the guilt. I mean when we got home and we kissed . . . he was trembling. I'll tell him tonight over dinner how I feel about this whole mess. I'll even cook his favorite. He'll understand I know he will. Hopefully anyways, I really hate it when he's like this. I can't stand it when he's all pouty and such. I think I'll send him off later to go get stuff for dinner and that'll give me some time to think how I'm going to do everything. yeah I know random babble. Well I'm still glad we don't have to go back to work till Monday. We need this time.
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| I'm going to . . . |
[17 Jul 2003|07:48am] |
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Well this mission is going straight to hell. We still haven't figured out where the stupid portal is and already two students have almost died on our watch! I'm sick of this. I'm going nuts I think. spending already what? a WEEK! here is starting to get on my nerves. We were only suppose to be here for a few days but it's getting longer by the minute. Yeah I'm a bit bitter about this whole thing. Watari is pouty cause he can't touch me at all cause we're suppose to keep up this brother cover. He's the chemistry teacher at the local high school here where ever the hell I am. I can't even remember. But I'm a student and he's suppose to be my brother. If anyone caught us it would be over so we agreed to not touch each other unless it's "brotherly" like. This helps in many ways though and yet it ruins life. Even AFTER telling that JERK that Watari was taken, the Chairman of the school decides to overlook all the female teachers and go after my PARTNER. . . MY WATARI! I don't care that he's our main suspect. Watari keeps coming home from these forced dates with just a bit of info but a mess. That guy is trying to get into Watari's pants and I'm about to to punch the guys lights out! I going to blow a fuse or something. I mean he gave me 500 dollars to tell him more about Watari but I made an emphasis that he was taken and he didn't get the hint. So I'm ready to kick this guys sorry ass. I wish he was as well behaved as the two I'm trying to find out about. My suspects are less forward with intrest with me. The one girl that keeps making the moves on me but at a lesser evil then the chairman to Watari, she's pretty harmless from what I could find out. The other girl hates me. I'm sorry that the director in music class thought that I do a better job then anyone on the violin. She was first chair and now she's second and not happy. but she's quiet anyways so this just made it worse. Anyways. We've recieved news that we need to finish soon and that Tsuzuki and Hisoka are still on their mission and it keeps going right into dead in cornors. I hope they catch that SOB soon. Oh and Watari just showed me an interesting thing. Someone read his journal and left a message on it but it doesn't have a name. He's freakin out now that he has another stalker or it's the Chairman. If you are just being friendly please tell us who you are. If you're the chairman or a stalker. . . WATARI IS MINE!!
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| memorable evening. . . |
[03 Jul 2003|11:26pm] |
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well it's been a while but I've been really busy that I haven't had time to update. Had to take care of Watari till he got back from being a lion. I can feel the blush already from that. See when he turned into a lion, he was inside of his clothes. I had just taken a shower and I find him naked and confused on the couch. I thought I would never say this but he looks elegant. I mean him. like his form. . . and. . . ok that's enough. but it was good to have him back and I missed his embrace so much.
We did get to go to Osaka. The last time I went there, I was playing for a concert there and only got to see like the airport, my hotel room, and the concert hall and that was it, but it's so beautiful. Watari took me sight seeing a bit. I have to develop the pictures soon and show them off. I was thinking about making a collage with them but maybe when I have time. Watari and I went to a very nice temple that was having an annual ceremony. I'm still kinda confused on what it was for but you went up to the priest and he poured water on your head as you prayed. it was a blessing ceremony I think. But anyways, we went to the museum and a few other places. Then that night, Watari surprised me and took me to a festival that was going on. The booths had so many nifty things! Watari said he would buy anything I wanted but I didn't want a thing. I liked just being there with him and that was enough. but then I changed back. . . During the fireworks. I'm now back to my old normal size and that change really made me feel sick. I guess I was disappointed but I felt so dizzy and about threw up. my body didn't like the sudden change again but thankfully after a dip in the hot springs at the hotel we were at and a good night's rest, I felt much better.
The next day we went to go see Watari's mom's grave. It was hidden in the back under a cherry tree that hung over the wall from next door. It was very peaceful there. I usually don't like going to go see even my family's grave but I felt at peace and it was very tranquil there. Watari laid some flowers on his mother's gravestone and I bought some sunflowers to put by Watari's grave. I remembered hearing that his grave was next to hers and I thought I would put his favorite flowers there. I think it hurt Watari to remember his life. His neighborhood that he grew up in, was mostly condemd and about ready to fall apart at just a push from a finger. He was in a very depressive mood all day but I think it helped that I was there. And then dinner at a nice resturant seemed to help too. I can tell he likes to spoil me. I'm happy anywhere with him though. no matter what.
After dinner, we went back to the hotel to wind down and take another dip in the hot springs since we were going back the next day. I didn't want to go back. I just wanted to stay there with Watari and hold onto him tightly. But I knew we had to go back. The hot springs help to flood away the thought of work and then something happened and Watari and I were kissing in the hot springs. I mean no one was around and it was just us since it was the off season and everything but something about the way he held me was different. . . more intense. He told me then he wanted to be with me that night. I didn't know what to say. He was ready but yet. . . I was too. We went back up to the room. the words are lost to me as to how it was but. . . it was wonderful. so surreal. . . . not like anytime before with anyone else. It was so right in many ways and Watari was wonderful. It was his first but it was like he knew exactly what to do. He was a little unsure of himself but he cared and didn't want to hurt me in anyway. I still can't believe that we laid together that night but it was beautiful and I still can remember every detail of what happened. . .
I knew that it wasn't a dream when after we got back, Watari was all "sparkley" I mean everywhere! there were sparkles. I thought that you know. . this would be between us but I think the whole office knows. actually I'm sure. oh well. I'm glad that Watari is happy and that's what matters.
Oh! something interesting happened yesterday as well. Tsuzuki's sister came down from heaven! I never knew what it was like to have sibilings but it was rather amusing to see the way Tsuzuki's sister Ruka, mothered him. But Tsuzuki was not happy that she was there. but she was worried that he wasn't doing all right. She's sweet but a bit too hyper. well sorta hyper but mostly she keeps going and going and you get the idea. She invited Watari and me to dinner. I haven't seen so much food in so long and had anything that tasted that good! I'm going to have to get her to teach me some things before she goes back to heaven. the dinner conversation was a bit too much family only for me but other then that, dinner was good. well I need some sleep.
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| kitty chaos. . . |
[13 Jun 2003|02:09pm] |
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This is just great. . . .JUST GREAT!!. . . Watari went and did something that cause him to turn into a lion. --;; It's only a few more days till we go to Osaka and he's a lion. I don't know how to cure him cause I don't know which antidote is which. Hopefully this will wear off soon and when it does, Watari is going to be labeling stuff. I mean this is really ridiculious! He's a lion cub but yet looks like a lion, like a stuffed animal. I mean he's cute and all especially when he tries to look all big and only that little rawr comes out of him. I can't help but chuckle. He cause a lot of mischief though yesterday. He chewed on Tsuzuki's leg, growled at Hisoka, and ruined one of Tatsumi-san's ties. He's gotta pay for that when he's back to normal. Tatsumi-san wasn't at all pleased about Watari's current stage. I would have to say that he was actually pissed about it. I finally got him to calm down and right now he's on a leash. He likes to pounce at my feet so as long as I keep his attention I'm fine. He's cute though when he sleeps. He curled up on my pillow last night and was purring and his tail was going up and down but landed so softly. I took a picture of him like that so I can show him what happened cause he's got the mentality of a kitten right now so he'll proably not remember him being this cute. I took a bunch more pictures to show Watari. . . . better go the leash just broke ;;;;
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| mind racing. . . |
[11 Jun 2003|09:26am] |
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Well I don't know if Takara will be up to his same old tricks concerning Watari and I since the person who employed him was Muraki. We found out thanks to Tsuzuki punching straight through him and injuring him very badly, that Takara had had his eyes removed and were replaced with mechanical ones like the one he has himself. I guess Muraki used them to also watch us whenever Takara was near any of us . . . the pictures didn't suffice I guess. . . also Muraki placed some kind of spell on Takara cause he doesn't remember what he's been doing for a while now. I guess I can't be mad at him because it was Muraki's doing. And Muraki is behind this because Takara told us under his spell and also Muraki sent me an email. . . Hisoka figured that Takara proably gave it to him cause I don't know how he got it otherwise. . . he said I would play my violin to the death march for those who will be gone forever. . . I don't know if he meant me but I doubt it. I just have this feeling but I worry for the others. . . he keeps going after Tsuzuki as it is, then Hisoka pissed him off big time by destroying that head thing back in Kyoto and then . . . he said he was disappointed in me for being with another . . . he sent me on to be with Tsuzuki as Tsuzuki's servant or to just make Tsuzuki pissed or maybe both. . . so I fear for Watari. . . Muraki is insane. . . and he will do stuff to make things go his way. . . I can remember what he use to do to me when I wouldn't play my violin for him. . . Tsuzuki and Hisoka are suppose to be leaving today to go and face him. . . I pray that they return home. . .
Watari is worried about me now I guess. . . I can see him glancing over at me seeing me look sad as I write this. . . I must look pathetic. I mean here I am suppose to be older now which will wear off anytime now (Hisoka is back to normal but because of my slow healing I'm staying like this a bit longer I guess) and act older. I felt older and more proud but I'm turning back into that scared kid again. . . I need to stop this. I shouldn't show my fear to others and learn to face my fears. I care very much for everyone and I need to be strong for them and myself. especially Watari. . . I need to be strong for him. show no fear and be there to tell him it's alright. . . I mean I'm so weak that the other day when I could hear all the office workers snickering over some new photos that had Watari and I being together with private moments I just snapped. . . .I think I scared him but I just couldn't see straight. . . I need to control my emotions. . . and just ignore those people.
I also showed my weakness to Watari yesterday. . . He wasn't able to come home the night before because he needed to run more tests and stay with Takara. I went home and it seemed so dark and cold. . . I was lonely. . . I didn't go back to the lab and stayed with Watari like I should have. . . no I jsut stayed at home sitting in the dark thinking about him. I couldn't even sleep I missed being with him. . . he brings me such great warmth cause I can feel how much he cares for me. and . . . I'm sounding pathetic again.
Watari last night surprised me. He missed me a lot too that night and he came up behind me while I was finishing dinner and hugged me tightly. he didn't want to let go and neither did I. After dinner though I went to go take a shower. . . I had grabbed clothes that were small and went to go change but I thought Watari was in his room. . . . He was in the living room and he saw me with the towel just wrapped around me waist. He came up to me and embraced me and after I had asked and he said he wanted to see me, I just dropped the towel and the clothes I had. . . I could feel the flush on my cheeks and they reddened as he told me I was beautiful. He laid me on the couch and did what I wanted to do to repay him the other night. . . he said he had dreamed of doing it to me and last night he held me close. I think I was trembling. He's seen me just as I am. how vulnurable I am and who I am. I'm glad I could show him myself though. I better get back to work for I'm blushing and I think that everyone might get suspious.
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| First Date. . . |
[07 Jun 2003|11:16pm] |
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Well the hungry yen asshole spy is up to it again! this time he has someone who's wanting pictures of me! I can't think of who and he says they're not in the office so I don't know who. . . but he's been putting pictures up apparently on the bulletin boards of Tsuzuki and Hisoka and Watari and me in private moments. . . he even took a picture of my hicky which is actually almost faded. I guess I couldn't keep my healing powers from letting it heal quickly apparently. oh well. but I'm still mad at Takara for taking those pictures of me and not telling me who they are for! grrr. . . he was even filming me and Watari when I went outside when I was furious at him and was taking pictures of me then as well! I sent him into a sleep spell though with my violin so he didn't bother us for the rest of lunch.
Anyways, Watari and I had our first date yesterday. It was so nice! and fancy too! I mean it was on the ritz part of town so I guess it was. Both Watari and I got a fish dinner. It was excellent and the view from our seats was amazing! I could see the town all around me with the lights flickering against the velvet night sky. After dinner, Watari had a surprise for me. He took me to a concert in the park! They had a whole symphoney playing wonder classical music and even a fire works display at the end. It was so magical I guess you could say. We got home and we both went to bed. . . I wanted to do something nice for Watari to thank him for a wonderful night that I had. . . I thought I would um. . . give him oral pleaure. He wasn't ready to go that far. I understand. I guess I'm rushing it a bit. I want to be with Watari. I mean I love him with all my heart and I want us to share that moment together to show each other that we both love each other with all our hearts. He's not ready though and I mean it would be his first time. . . good grief I feel like a man slut now. I mean I would like to give my first time to Watari but that was taken by Muraki. . . . many times in fact. . . then Tsuzuki and I had that fling. . . then 003 raped me. . . I know that two of those were not my fault but I just feel like I'm a fuck toy to be shoved around. I mean I cared very deeply for Tsuzuki but I think we both just pitied each other and that's why we did it. But those other two times and one of them being many. . . I felt so dirty. but I want this to be a pure experience and I know it will be. cause I'm with the person I love.
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[05 Jun 2003|08:27pm] |
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Well the other day Tsuzuki and Hisoka didn't show up to work and it was quite around the office except for the office workes gossiping about everyone --;; they were gossiping about Watari and me sleeping together before work and that's why we were late. It wasn't though, we just kinda snuggled a bit and enjoyed each other's presence around each other. . . and Watari had a hentai dream apparently cause I woke up to him having his hand below the belt I guess you could say. I mean I didn't mind and all but it just kinda startled me. . . no I didn't mind it one bit, in fact I liked it. his touch is so much gentlier then anyone elses and it felt wonderful. . . anyways I'm getting off subject. . . Tsuzuki and Hisoka have been kinda quite since they showed up yesterday. Everyone's now trying to ignore the office empolyees spreading gossip. This one got on my nerves though. I think his name was Takara and his partner was Elle. Elle is a sweet kid but Takara is a money hungry asshole. Apparently he's a spy for a "higher person" to spy on Tsuzuki and take pictures and video tape him. . . this person has from Takara the nights that Tsuzuki and I slept together. . . those are private yet this person has them and watches them! oh and the best part was Takara taunted me and said I wasn't a "big seller" with his buyers. . . . I don't like the fact that people have seen Tsuzuki and I and I HATE the fact that Tsuzuki is having to go through this! it's not right but. . . there's nothing I can do though. . . grrr. . . people around here are starting to get annoying! about the only people I get along with is Watari, Tsuzuki, Hisoka, Tatsumi-san, Konoe-san, Wakaba, and Elle. but I did try to tell Takara off and ended up trying to punch him and he just pushed me down. . . I said that he was the worse shinigami for doing that stuff. He said there were worse. . . I disagree though. . . the WORST is now back to being an owl.
Oh, Watari is planning on going to Osaka in a few weeks and after an arrangement with Tatsumi-san, we can both go. I can't wait. It'll be nice to not have to worry about work like during that week. well I did worry about work but atleast this time this vacation is PLANNED.
Watari and I are official couples. He's planning on taking me on a date! tomorrow. I'm so excited about that. We'll proably go italian since it's his favorite. I'm not that picky and I like italian so it's cool. But I'll look funny wearing a turtle neck in this kind of weather though. oh . . . yeah. last night Watari and I kinda got into it. . . we were only making out but still just the way we were was intense. and Watari gave me a hicky. . . so now I'm wearing a turtle neck sweater to cover it up so that the office employees won't be saying anything. more then they do that is. but I'm kinda proud that he's marked me. I mean it's the first one I've ever had and to me it says that I'm his and no one can have me except him which is how I want it.
well I better check on dinner. I think the baked fish is done. later
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| taller is better. . . |
[02 Jun 2003|05:49pm] |
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I feel so great since I've become taller. I don't know I think it did something for my self esteem. I'm always smiling, and not even those stupid office workers hound me anymore. it's great. And even the cuddling with Watari is better. ofcoarse I actually desire him more now. I don't know what it is but I do. maybe it's the hormone change or something. but he did tell me he wanted me to be his first. I can't help but blush about that. I mean we've lived together for this time and then we finally realized our feelings and now we're actually officially dating. I want to be with him forever and hopefully we will. Oh! Watari is thinking about going to Osaka real soon. He said he goes once a year at the same time and it's close to that time. and he asked me to go with him. I would like to see his childhood home and know more about him. I'm even going to see his mother. I told him I would go and hopefully Tatsumi-san will let us both get the few days off. I mean we might have to wait a while cause it still hasn't been very long since we were suspended and we need to work a bit more to get some money. I think we almost have enough to pay back Tsuzuki and pay rent for this month. oh! Tsuzuki is so much happier and more genki like since Hisoka became taller. it's actually kinda amusing to see them now and Hisoka seems to have lightened up a bit. but it's just so fun to watch them. well need to make dinner for Watari. I thought I would make his favorite lasanga.
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| growing up. . . |
[01 Jun 2003|10:07pm] |
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mood |
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older |
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music |
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Mirai - Open up your Mind |
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sorry I haven't updated but the journal system has been down. anyways. Well something kinda wonderful happened. Hisoka and I were helping Watari into the lab onto a bed in there since he's still really sick and he needed rest. Well a few seconds into the lab, there was a big explosion and Hisoka, Watari, and I were thrown out of there. after the smoke cleared a bit, Hisoka and I had a "miracle" happen. We were both older. I look 19 and Hisoka looks 21. I couldn't believe it. Hisoka is TALL I mean taller then Tatsumi-san and hence taller then Tsuzuki. I'm the same height as Watari and just an inch or so above Tsuzuki. I couldn't believe it. I now can just look directly into Watari's golden eyes. I like this. I don't look like some kid that's considered shota, and I like my hair this length, it's just long enough to make a small ponytail if I want and my bangs kinda sweep around my chin and I get new clothes. Watari was kinda shocked when he noticed it finally. which was the day after at home since he was sick. He's doing a bit better and still hasn't gotten use to the fact that we can just lean over and kiss each other -^^- Watari said I was beautiful. I couldn't stop blushing after he told me. I'm use to being called cute but never beautiful. I hope this lasts, I don't know if I could comfortably go back to being my old height. and also the stupid office employees that are around won't be saying how cute I am and spreading rumors about Watari being a shota hentai. It's odd but I feel great too. I mean better then I have in years and yet Watari wants to run tests on me to see how my body is taking the sudden change. I think he's being a bit too paranoid. oh need to go. late night tea boiling.
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| family. . . |
[30 May 2003|04:31pm] |
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I'm kinda depressed today. Watari and I talked last night while I was taking care of him. He has a bit of a cold. anyways, we talked about our families. I mean we're both only children and we had only one parent that took care of us most of our lives. My mother died when I was still an infant and didn't know her but my father brought me up. He meant a lot to me and pushed me to follow my dreams. then he died not too long before I met Tsuzuki and Hisoka the first time. I miss my father. he meant a lot to me and I know how Watari feels about his mother. he keeps tell me I'm like her. even last night when I was trying to make him better. . . . anyways. . . I saw Tsuzuki at a jewelry store after I picked up some stuff for Watari. He didn't tell me what he was up to but he's planning something. Him and Hisoka seem a lot happier today. I still can't figure out what's going on but proably I'll find out later. anyways. . . .
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| strange email. . . |
[28 May 2003|10:18pm] |
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ok first of all someone sent me an email sending me this quiz. The name was anoynomous but I know that they sent it to Watari, Tsuzuki, and Hisoka. it's really odd that I can see who it was sent to but not from who it was. oh well here's my results
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
ok I'm like really blushing. I wondering if Watari thinks this is right. ^^;; I honestly don't know what to think. Anyways. Well today was very tense. Apparently Tatsumi-san is the broker for the office bets to when Tsuzuki and Hisoka become intimate. ok first of all it's wrong that Tatsumi-san is doing something like that and second of all it's no body's business if they do or don't. It's annoying that they keep pushing them and Tsuzuki has had it too. He blew up at Tatsumi-san. that was unusal but I can't blame him. Well, Watari made dinner and this really good cake ^^ it had carmael on it! right now he's gone to get some tea for us to sip on while watching the movie. He's been rather affectionate lately. I mean Konoe and Terazuma caught us snuggling during lunch but I actually was enjoying it. I love to bask in his warmth. I feel that safeness. but he keeps kissing me on the cheek. that kinda catches me off guard and I get embaressed. well I still like it anyways. but since Terazuma caught us, hopefully Watari and I will be the gossip and get that off of Hisoka and Tsuzuki. Well hopefully anyways.
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| the nightmare ends. . . |
[27 May 2003|04:21pm] |
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I haven't updated in a while cause I was paranoid that 003 was reading my journal. . . but today I decided to update. well, it's over. 003 is gone. What happened was I had still been being harassed by him but was still quite about it. Then we found out that 003 is actually Muraki's uncle. That made Tsuzuki a bit unnerved or something cause he was going home but he went to the bathroom first. Then from the office we heard him slam or hit 003 into a mirror. I ran to see what happened and then 003 was introduced to Tsuzuki's foot between his eyes. I didnt' like to see Tsuzuki so mad but I was too afraid of the fact that 003 was angry. I didn't know what he would do. Well Hisoka and Tsuzuki went home and lucky for me the rest of the day of work was quiet. But when I got home, 003 kicked me out. I didn't have any other place to go so I decided to go see Tsuzuki and Hisoka. I think I interrupted them ;;;;; I hated that I had to go there and bother them but I didn't want to sleep in the cold. I just told them I didn't want to go home. half true and half a lie. well they let me stay the night and while Hisoka went out to get some sushi, Tsuzuki tried to get me to tell him what's been going on with what 003 is doing to me. I didn't tell and him and thankfully he didn't push. however, later that night, Hisoka did. He demanded that I tell him and I stayed silent cause I didn't want them to know and then 003 come after them. he read my mind though and knew what happened to me. . . he felt all that I went through and I wish he hadn't. I didn't want him to tell Tatsumi-san when I accidently overheared that he was when I was going to talk to him. He told Tsuzuki what happened to me and then Tsuzuki tried to talk some sense into me and a smack to the face did it. he was right. I was doing everything wrong and should have come out with the truth right away. I went back to be when Tsuzuki tucked me in but I realized that Watari was alone with 003 so I went to go save him. well that was a flop when I fell into a puddle and sprang my ankle and got all wet. Tsuzuki found me and carried me the rest of the way saying that he wasn't going to let me go it alone. then I saw 003 trying to convince Watari that I didn't love Watari. Tsuzuki and 003 got into a fight and then Tatsumi-san and Hisoka showed up. Tatsumi-san tried to confine 003 but 003 went rogue. Watari then throw a potion at him and made him back into a bird. Tatsumi-san took 003 to be judged and see what his punishment shall be for his actions. . . . I got to be with Watari last night. I fell asleep in his arms and felt that safe and warmness again. I woke up rather late today and Watari and I just enjoyed a nice brunch of him making pancakes. I feel so much better being around him again and being able to touch his face and tell him how much I care for him. now we can be together and I won't have fear. . . I'm too much of a coward to stand up to it I guess but I'll try to be strong from now on. . .
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| cornored. . . |
[22 May 2003|04:56pm] |
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. . . . I don't know what to do. . . I can't tell Watari what happened or . . . . 003 was worse yesterday. He took over Tsuzuki's desk and now Tsuzuki has a small desk in a cornor and 003 is right next to me. I tired to ignore him but he went over and stuck his nose into Tsuzuki's and Hisoka's business about their case. He thought that Muraki was beautiful and he was impressed by him. . . then when Tsuzuki left, he tried to hit on Hisoka. He told him to back off and he did but he came after me again. I just pushed him away but he said I better do as he said for Watari's sake. . . Hisoka got tired of him and challenged him basically saying he couldn't match both of us. 003 then backhanded Hisoka. that was it and I was ready to challenge him myself. . . . Apparently he has telepathic powers because the next thing I knew, both Hisoka and I were seeing horrible images and our heads felt like they were being torn apart. I guess that's how Hisoka was going through too cause he was in more pain then I was. I figured 003 would have targeted me more but he hit Hisoka harder. I passed out and then I was awaken by Tsuzuki and Tatsumi-san talking. My head was hurting almost as bad as before. and before I could say what happened 003 popped in saying that he was worried cause he found Hisoka and me at out desks passed out. Tatsumi-san wanted to hear my side but as his back was turned I saw 003 do the cutting of throat but mouthed Watari's name. . . . I told Tatsumi-san I didn't know what happened and that it was a blur as it was. I hoped he knew I was lying. He seems to know when I'm lying. Hisoka was in bad shape but Tatsumi-san told Tsuzuki to take him home and he told me I had the rest of the day off. I said I would be ok and just went to the bathroom to calm down. I started to calm when the nightmare returned. this time he was abusive to me. He hit me and the bruise on my cheek still hasn't healed completely, then he told me to leave Watari alone basically and that he was his. . . . I was scared. just pure and totally frightened and I'm still frightened and he knows it. . . . he told me to . . . and I had too . . . I didn't want to but he started to make me do it with his powers. I agreed begging for him to just leave me alone and I'll do as he says. . . I have to stay away from Watari. . . . I can't even look at him but. . . I love Watari. . . 003 wants me to go back to my room while he sleeps in Watari's bed and I'm suppose to make him hate me. . . I can't though. . . I can't just ignore what I fell inside. . . but I have to. . . I have to for Watari's sake. . . he's in danger and I can't even do anything about it. . . so many emotions are running through me right now. . . fear. . . anger. . . and shame. . . 003 raped me. . . harder then anything Muraki ever did to me. . . . he bit me on the shoulder and I still can't get it to heal up very well. I've put some antibotics on it but it still hurts . . . then when he was finished with me, he just left me to suffer there on the floor. . . I was praying no one would come in to find me like that till I could get up and clean up. . . . thankfully no one did. . . I want to tell someone so bad but I dont want Watari to be hurt. he's proably right. . . Watari wouldn't even believe me if I told him. . . but I need to tell someone. but I'm afraid that 003 will hurt them as well. . . maybe I can tell Tsuzuki. he stood up to 003 and he knows his ways. . . but. . . he might go after Hisoka. . . I'm so lost and lonely right now. . . I couldn't even sleep last night. I don't know if 003 was in Watari's bed but I hoped he wasn't. I went straight to my room last night and locked my door and when Watari asked to come in I told him I'm fine and I'm just trying to go to sleep. . . I didn't want to hurt him. . . I don't want to hurt him. . . I've got to do something but what. . . it'll take me forever to find the bird formula without Watari knowing and I can't fight him. . . I'm suppose to be good to him and he won't hurt Watari. . . I pray that he doesn't come after me again but. . . he's worse then Muraki so he'll most likely come after me again and. . . someone. . . please. . . hear my silent cries. . .
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| birds. . . |
[21 May 2003|02:30pm] |
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well yesterday seemed like a normal day until Watari woke up and realized there was no more coffee. I gave him some tea but it just didnt' cut it and he had to wait till we got to the office. At the office, Tsuzuki seemed really upset. I gave him a box of pocky and he said he'd eat it later. . . that's not like Tsuzuki to say I'll eat it later at all. Whatever it was, his mood stayed the same about all day till it was time to go home. Well, Watari went into his lab and a few minutes later we heard a large boom and the lab had smoke coming out of it. Watari got out but the Gushoshin and 003 where still in side. Apparently, the twins where doing inventory and something just blew up. Watari and I ran back into the lab to find 003 and met with a big surprise. the Twins where human and 003 was back to normal. well sorta. he didn't seem at all like how everyone described him. he was tall, mousy looking, and had glasses but he seemed very much like a jerk. . . and very flirtatous as well. . . he kept hitting on me. I thought him and Watari would be like talking and trying to figure out what happened but no. He was following me. right to my desk and then to the copy room. No one was in there except us and I was about to leave when he pinned me against the wall. Luckly, Tsuzuki was walking by and saw this. but unlucky to 003 was that Tsuzuki was still in a bad mood. he shoved him through the glass into a tree. I had forgotten how strong Tsuzuki can be. He told 003 that if he ever did that again, he would kill him. and said he didn't change. I went back to my desk after Tsuzuki left and went back to work. Well Tsuzuki's mood seemed to be back to normal after something happened in the library. those two girls tried to put a wedding dress on Hisoka, which I thought was kinda cute and funny, but I told them that the bride doesn't always have to wear a dress. I was only teasing and being playful but Hisoka seemed a tad bit pissed. then those girls tried to put me into a bride's maid dress and I ran hiding till Watari found me. he did thankfully but then I realized that 003 was going to come home too. . . I tried to stay away from him most of the night but he kept making subtle moves on me but I kept getting away from them. he went to sleep in my room cause it was his room originally. But Watari saw me on the couch and I went and laid down with him till it was time for work. I'm really starting to like the idea of figuring out which of Watari's potions will turn that creep back into a bird.
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| back to work tomorrow. . . |
[18 May 2003|09:58pm] |
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I can't wait to get back to work. I actually missed the desk time strangely enough. I mean don't get me wrong. I did enjoy my time off and to be able to spend more time with Watari. but I'm ready to go back to work. but those times with Watari have been fun. and. . . very calming and exciting at the same time. I love everything about Watari. the way he makes me feel, the way he holds me, says anything, the way he moves, his eyes, his silky golden blonde hair. . . . well just everything. especially the way he moves. his movements are fluid and well planned it seems when we are together. He does have his clutz moments but last night after dinner. . . I didn't want to stop. I could hear his heart beat . . . but we went to bed and went to sleep in each others arms. I felt really warm that night. and I was glad to wake and find that it had not been a dream. . . . well it's late and both Watari and I need to get to bed so we can wake up for work.
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| almost over. . . . |
[15 May 2003|03:49pm] |
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Well the week is almost over with and I can just imagine the pile of work on my desk. I'll be spending another week just to catch up. Oh well. I can do it. It's odd but I've been thinking really hard about a lot of stuff going on. I've been thinking about what happened and about what I would like to do. Setting a few future goals that I want to work towards. and I've realized that what I need to do in order to do that is a tall order. The major thing is I'm starting to realize my mistakes. I've been very childish lately and need to fix a lot of things and act like how I should be acting. First I plan on appoligizing to Hisoka. yeah that will be a feet in it's self. I haven't been listening to him lately and I don't see a reason why he should he bother to listen to me. I don't blame him though it's my own fault. I actually admire him. I have since we first met. He seems to be a nice guy just kinda with drawn into himself. But I want to be his friend if he will let me and will want to be my friend too. He protected me back then I now I want to repay him for that and I've been going around it the wrong way. But I think after he gets off work, I'm going to go and see if he will talk to me and this time I will listen to him. but forgivness will take time but it will be for the best for everyone.
I actually got Watari out of his room last night. We watched a bit of a movie before we started to talk. I told him I was conserned about him not getting enough rest and the frustration he seems to have over his project. He told me that he hasn't been sleeping well and that night that we slept next to each other, he got a very restful night. He asked me if I would stay by him last night and I told him I would. He was worried that I wouldn't want to and it would bother me but I really enjoyed it. I feel safe in his embrace and if it would give him a better night's rest that's an extra plus. and last night. . . I don't know what came over us but we um. . .got into the moment I guess you could call it. He was on top of me and we about well. . . anyways, I stopped it and I was sorry about it too on both parts. I wanted it but I wasn't ready for it. I do love him but I don't want to just jump into something like that. We haven't even really "dated" and I want to take the relationship slow so we can both enjoy it and learn more about each other and trust each other deeper then anything. I do trust him but I want that deeper trust. . . well I better go see if I can make something before I leave. I think we still have some stuff left over to make some spagetthi. Watari should be happy since he loves italian.
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| nothing. . . |
[14 May 2003|06:57pm] |
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Well I've cleaned the house up. it sparkles. . . I'm still bored though. Watari is still messing with something in his room. I haven't bothered him about it and actually in fact I haven't bothered him much except to eat some stew or have some tea with me. I know I should just like ask him if he wanted to do something like play a card game or watch TV but I just can't bring myself up to it. I mean I should be able to and all but maybe I'm just afraid that since I'm so depressed then he won't want to be around me so he doesn't have to be so bad. I'm the one that told him that I would take my punishment and to just drop it. He wanted to fight for me not being suspended but I just told him not to. I didn't want him to. I knew that not coming out with the truth was wrong and sneaking into their apartment was wrong too. But Watari asked me to find Tsuzuki and give him that donut and I figured that is where he would be since I couldn't find a sign that he had followed Hisoka into work. I mean no one told me to go there so that was my fault.
You know I wonder if Hisoka just hates me. I mean it wouldn't surprise me at all if he does. or even if he IS jealous. I mean I knew that he and Tsuzuki had something going on from the first time I met them but I just let my silly feelings get in the way and just went after Tsuzuki. I was stupid for that. Yes it was a crush and maybe I did feel something more but deep down I knew it wouldn't work. Tsuzuki loved Hisoka and I think Hisoka was just in denial. I've been so stupid lately. I can see that I shouldn't have gotten between them but I just acted rash I guess. and now Hisoka proably hates me. I mean yes I don't like him that much but I still want to be his friend even after everything. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately is why I'm saying this. I mean what's the matter with me? I use to not be like this. I'm just acting like someone that's tough and strong when I know that this is not me. I rather just be a mellow guy and think about things before I react but I haven't been that person. I've been jealous I guess. yes I admit it. I'm jealous of Hisoka. He can act cool in any situation (excluding that shooting of the camera when Muraki send pics of Tsuzuki naked ;;; ) and he knows what he's doing. he's right. I'm being a brat. . . and I don't want that. . . . . I want to be someone who everyone can trust, depend on, come to when they need help and all of this because I can handle it like an adult. I died when I was 19 I mean. . . I should start acting it. I'm just throwing two year old tanturms and that's not how I should be. I was stupid to be worrying over stupid things and I need to realize that I have people that care about me and I care about them but I need to listen to what they need. I guess taking this week off is starting to make me realize that I need to change some things. and for the better
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| the sound. . . of silence. . . |
[13 May 2003|01:15pm] |
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My mind is still in a mess. I keep thinking about everything that's happened. I keep thinking about what I should have done to have not ended up like this with this whole mess but everything seems to turn out wrong. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but I just can't help it. Watari is so down it's beginning to worry me. He keeps getting frustrated over this project he's working with in his room. I keep trying to get him to get some rest and sometimes it works but most of the time it doesn't. I just wish he would get some more sleep to catch up on the sleep he's lost. I mean this is like a non payed vacation so he should at least rest up. I have gotten him to sleep the last two nights thankfully, but they haven't been for long times. He'll atleast get some sleep when I make him by laying there with him. I think his dreams are troubling him cause he keeps embracing me around my waist while nuzzling up close to me. I don't mind it though. I like to be close to him. . . I feel that safe warmth when I'm near him even more then when I was with Tsuzuki. . . . Tsuzuki came by the other day. He came by to apoligize for Hisoka. I was actually not surprised that he came by. I know that Hisoka would never do this and I guess Tsuzuki felt like he should do it. I wish he didn't though. It just made him feel sad from what I could see. I don't like to see Tsuzuki sad. But he offered us money to pay for our rent. I gave it back to him and both Watari and I said we would be alright. He left and I think he stopped by the landlady's office and gave her the money. I can't figure out how he has 300 bucks considering. . . but I went by her office today to ask about that and she's like well only 100 due and told me that a man had stopped by and dropped off the money. I'm going to pay back Tsuzuki for that. That was his sweets fund I think. but it'll have to wait till both Watari and I get paid. I'm finished with the work I brought home and now I can't figure what to do with myself. Maybe I'll clean. This apartment looks fine but it'll be something to do.
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