||feeling a tad
||feeling a tad
||an amalgam of songs in my head, none in particular
It is only through attempting to explain to the Bub why the internet was cool 5-10 years ago that I even rediscovered my Blurty. I had hoped it still existed, but quite frankly I thought I had deleted the durn thing.
My, my, my. How times have changed. I certainly didn't recall posting such vitriol about someone so irrelevant to me now. Ironically enough, that person ended up in a worse state than I was at my most recent low. Last I heard, her "perfect" life fell apart: she separated from her fella, moved back to PA from FL, and is putting her degree from DeVry to good use working at Motherhood Maternity or what have you. I'd like to believe I've come a long way from picking up dirty sodden diapers in the Zoo parking lot.
It's been quite a journey, these past 3.5 years.
I went from working at the Zoo, to working overnights at Toys R Us. I had moved in with Danny, for about 6 months. We drove each other batshit crazy, two kids with unresolved issues in a crappy apartment, indulging in alcohol and marijuana like college kids on holiday. I gained 20lbs, learned I could play drums like a duck in water, and lost my fiancee. I kicked ass through one Christmas season, but upon return for a second season, I couldn't hack it under new management, so I no-called no-showed myself fired.
From there I took what was originally a seasonal job at a specialty cheese shop in Reading Terminal Market. Due to several employees resigning/being fired, I worked my way up to assistant manager. That was a golden time; I held my own apartment with a city skyline view for a year, and lived high on the hog with fine foods at my fingertips. I even had my very first pet that I didn't have to share with my siblings, a tawny lazy hamster named Chunk. But I was terribly lonely through all of it. Danny and I still saw each other, but the rift that grew between us ever-deepened. He burst into my apartment at 1AM once or twice expecting to find me in bed with someone else. Ironically enough, I was never truer to him than I was while living alone. I had a strange friendship for a while with a man and an organization that'll go unnamed; he was like a brother to me, but he betrayed my trust by crossing the line. In hindsight I was terribly naive, but I just wanted somewhere to belong. Danny was always suspicious of him, but I always brushed off his concerns. After a horribly unsatisfying fling with a coworker that I was never really interested in to begin with, I found myself with an unpleasant trip to the gynocologist and an apartment I couldn't stand to be in for the memories it held. Bean was getting a new house at the time, so I decided to move in with her, originally to save money to go to culinary school. Danny cut off all communications with me after he helped me move out of my apartment and into Bean's new home.
I moved in with her about two summers ago. Initially it was wonderful, a time of plenty and reveling in our mutual new found freedom. Bean was finally "free" of Titi and her overbearing rules: No Drinking, No Drugging, No Fucking, which are pretty much all the fun things in life. I was finally free of the restraints of a tight budget, and was actually eligible for food stamps. About 6 months into my stay, I developed pneumonia from a combination of things. Stress from being overworked, the exotic molds from various cheeses and unsanitary conditions, ammoniated air from hamster cages, and some strange mold growing in the basement all contributed to a trip to the ER and a week off from work. I returned, and midway through the Christmas season while dealing with a repeatedly difficult customer, a lighbulb went off. *ting* I need a new job. I made up my mind that I was going to quit, and spend my summer selling hand made cookies, lip balms, purses, and home grown vegetables at the Jersey shore. I had enough money in my savings account to last several months, and was counting on my business to provide the rest. I gave my two months leave (as required by my length of employment), cut my hair into a purple tipped mohawk, and set about finding summer lodgings. Danny had made a completely unexpected appearance New Year's Eve and so we were communicating/hooking up again. For about five minutes, he agreed to run away with me, then used my announcing it on Facebook as an excuse not to go.
Against my better judgement, I decided that I'd stay in Atlantic City rather than Wildwood. I paid too much for a room for 3 months, moved in a month later than I'd paid for, and ended up spending a week in bed wearing the same clothes at Danny's house due to an unplanned layover from Mother's Day. Once I got back to Atlantic City, he used my leaving as an excuse to break ties. Atlantic City was not what I had imagined it to be. My vending from the back of a tricycle was ridiculed and poorly planned; it would've gone over much better in family-friendly Wildwood, not that I had the proper licensing anyway. My garden was dug in what was an overgrown abandoned lot, complete with bricks, plaster, and moldering wood. I did my best with what I had, mixing in fertilizer and topsoil. What few things grew were deformed and probably tainted with contaminants from the demolished house that once stood there. I abandoned my entire plan and decided to consider it an extended vacation, figuring I'd just leave sooner than planned and return to Philadelphia to get a new job.
I spent my summer in a fairly nice house that was to be condemned to make way for a new casino highway with a nosy, petty, overbearing, hypocritically-Christian drunkard who hit on everything even remotely female, a gay club hopper who I seldom saw, a trashy klepto drug dealer, some Russian immigrants who slept in our living room until a real room cleared out, and a crooked landlord who was actually quite nice aside from overcharging. Most days I was inside searching Wikipedia or haunting Facebook from my Droid, hoping the drunkard would go somewhere long enough for me to go out without him inviting himself along. Other days I was on the beach, scowling at the unattractive beachgoers, attempting to tan enough to look like I'd spent the summer at the beach. I rode my tricycle around town, mostly to the grocery store and the laundromat. I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with myself once I got back to town, and what I was going to tell people who thought I was going to live some adventurous summer when really I was just a recluse in a different town.
During this time, I met a rather curious man via Craigslist. He was the total opposite of everything I'd ever looked for in a guy: successful, well-adjusted, homely, Vegan, midwestern. We had a fine casual affair; he taught me the joys of orgasm, I taught him... something, I'm sure. We were like Kip and LaFawndah, except I just wasn't that into him. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking that if I saw him on the street I'd keep walking. Once I got back to Philadelphia, I decided to end things, for while he was a unique snowflake in Atlantic City, back in PHL he's just another beardo weirdo in skinny jeans and white Chucks.
I left Atlantic City and returned to Philadelphia to pursue my original intention of going to culinary school. Unfortunately, I didn't qualify for financial aid through traditional means due to some stupid clause where I don't qualify as an 'independent adult' til 24. Quite frankly, I was crushed and decided that perhaps culinary school wasn't for me afterall. I cut off my mohawk, bleached and dyed my entire head of hair a vibrant purple, and spent the next few weeks job searching and avoiding my old job for lack of good news. Eventually I managed to land a job as cashier at Forever 21. I could've stayed there forever, had I been solely a cashier. However, the store rotated positions with the idea of having us learn all the different areas of the store even though they changed every 6 weeks. I learned quickly that I was not cut out for retail. Ten black cardigans in ten different styles that go in ten different places in a store that is 2nd largest to one in NYC ... I quit after a month. I went to visit Danny, who had come to visit me sometime after I returned when he was going to quit his job on grounds of a 'nervous break down', but he turned me down when I asked to go for a walk. As I turned and walked away, all I heard was 'And he never saw her again.' I sat behind a building and cried, until the street lamps came on and the local football team started running laps nearby. I ended my friendship with Nicole after a miscommunication while trying to deliver an ill-intentioned birthday gift to her. I realized my mistake the next day, but refused to apologize, figuring I'd been on and off friends with her for long enough, and that we were bound to stop talking over something else at some point.
I dyed my radically purple hair a business-friendly brown and began the job search again. I had run through all my savings and had to resort to borrowing money from Bean. It was embarassing: never since before I started working had I needed to borrow money in any quantity from anyone that I wasn't going to pay back within 3 days. After several dead ends, I suddenly found myself with several interviews in one week. I nearly worked at Krispy Kreme, but the UPS Store on Temple University's campus was offering me hours sooner and was closer to my home, so I chose them. I went on two company-paid business trips, one to Maryland for a day to meet corporate, the other to Downingtown for a week of in-store training. There was an intensely sad moment when I was staying at the Hampton Inn, my room larger than my first apartment without the kitchen, eating Cup of Soup instead of dining out because I had literally $10 in my bank account until I got paid and couldn't afford the bill to be reimbursed by the company. Fortunately, I had won a text contest through Radio 104.5 and was able to deposit a check for $1000 when I returned home later that week. The Creator really does answer prayers.
I've been working with this company for nearly a month. Technically I'm working for a group of investors who happen to own a UPS store. They've fired most of the part time help, and will soon be firing their current lead associate on grounds of giving the store away and a bad attitude. It's unfortunate, however, everyone is responsible for their own actions so she's got no one to blame for the out come but herself. I'm contracted until June, and hopefully with the new changes that are going to be implemented by month's end, there'll still be a store for me to work at by then. If not, my old job's practically begging me to come back, and the store I trained at offered me a tentative position, as they were looking for help at the time. Quite frankly, if it weren't so far away or if I drove, I would've totally jumped ship: they have a more easy going atmosphere in a beautiful location. I would love to retire there.
So that brings me to where I am now. As far as my love life goes: after yet another terrible fling with the absolute worst person (a counselor brought to my attention that I use alcohol as an excuse to engage in careless behavior), I've imposed 6 months of abstinence on myself to be absolutely certain that I am STD-free for someone worthwhile. It also doubles as time to finally let go of Danny and figure out what I want in a mate. After all this fucking around, I'd like something serious and lasting. My plans for the future are to buy a house of my own. I'm a little wary of making such lofty plans with a somewhat unstable job, however I'm resourceful and sensible enough (now) that by the time I've got enough money for a downpayment I'll have everything sorted out. I've already opened a high-yield savings account; the next step is to start building credit, as my score is either 0 or worse, thanks to an unpaid ER bill. Fortunately my job offers me health benefits, so I shouldn't have to be in that situation again. I find myself in need of a root canal; I'm going to visit my mum's naturopathic doctor first before I allow the men in white coats to hollow out my tooth.
Well kiddies. That certainly took much longer than I anticipated, but somehow I managed to cram over three years into an hour and a half. Hope you all have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Stay tuned: perhaps this will be the platform for me to begin transcribing all my old journal musings from high school on.
Until next time...