I'm Going Nowhere Really Fucking Fast
Catherine the Great: Toot Toot!
"Will I ever get to
to where it is that I am going ?
Will I ever follow through with what I
with what I thought I had planned ..."

The Quasi-Triumphant Return November 29th, 2010 -x- 11:48 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad contemplative ]
[ listening to feeling a tad an amalgam of songs in my head, none in particular ]

It is only through attempting to explain to the Bub why the internet was cool 5-10 years ago that I even rediscovered my Blurty. I had hoped it still existed, but quite frankly I thought I had deleted the durn thing.

My, my, my. How times have changed. I certainly didn't recall posting such vitriol about someone so irrelevant to me now. Ironically enough, that person ended up in a worse state than I was at my most recent low. Last I heard, her "perfect" life fell apart: she separated from her fella, moved back to PA from FL, and is putting her degree from DeVry to good use working at Motherhood Maternity or what have you. I'd like to believe I've come a long way from picking up dirty sodden diapers in the Zoo parking lot.

It's been quite a journey, these past 3.5 years.

I went from working at the Zoo, to working overnights at Toys R Us. I had moved in with Danny, for about 6 months. We drove each other batshit crazy, two kids with unresolved issues in a crappy apartment, indulging in alcohol and marijuana like college kids on holiday. I gained 20lbs, learned I could play drums like a duck in water, and lost my fiancee. I kicked ass through one Christmas season, but upon return for a second season, I couldn't hack it under new management, so I no-called no-showed myself fired.

From there I took what was originally a seasonal job at a specialty cheese shop in Reading Terminal Market. Due to several employees resigning/being fired, I worked my way up to assistant manager. That was a golden time; I held my own apartment with a city skyline view for a year, and lived high on the hog with fine foods at my fingertips. I even had my very first pet that I didn't have to share with my siblings, a tawny lazy hamster named Chunk. But I was terribly lonely through all of it. Danny and I still saw each other, but the rift that grew between us ever-deepened. He burst into my apartment at 1AM once or twice expecting to find me in bed with someone else. Ironically enough, I was never truer to him than I was while living alone. I had a strange friendship for a while with a man and an organization that'll go unnamed; he was like a brother to me, but he betrayed my trust by crossing the line. In hindsight I was terribly naive, but I just wanted somewhere to belong. Danny was always suspicious of him, but I always brushed off his concerns. After a horribly unsatisfying fling with a coworker that I was never really interested in to begin with, I found myself with an unpleasant trip to the gynocologist and an apartment I couldn't stand to be in for the memories it held. Bean was getting a new house at the time, so I decided to move in with her, originally to save money to go to culinary school. Danny cut off all communications with me after he helped me move out of my apartment and into Bean's new home.

I moved in with her about two summers ago. Initially it was wonderful, a time of plenty and reveling in our mutual new found freedom. Bean was finally "free" of Titi and her overbearing rules: No Drinking, No Drugging, No Fucking, which are pretty much all the fun things in life. I was finally free of the restraints of a tight budget, and was actually eligible for food stamps. About 6 months into my stay, I developed pneumonia from a combination of things. Stress from being overworked, the exotic molds from various cheeses and unsanitary conditions, ammoniated air from hamster cages, and some strange mold growing in the basement all contributed to a trip to the ER and a week off from work. I returned, and midway through the Christmas season while dealing with a repeatedly difficult customer, a lighbulb went off. *ting* I need a new job. I made up my mind that I was going to quit, and spend my summer selling hand made cookies, lip balms, purses, and home grown vegetables at the Jersey shore. I had enough money in my savings account to last several months, and was counting on my business to provide the rest. I gave my two months leave (as required by my length of employment), cut my hair into a purple tipped mohawk, and set about finding summer lodgings. Danny had made a completely unexpected appearance New Year's Eve and so we were communicating/hooking up again. For about five minutes, he agreed to run away with me, then used my announcing it on Facebook as an excuse not to go.

Against my better judgement, I decided that I'd stay in Atlantic City rather than Wildwood. I paid too much for a room for 3 months, moved in a month later than I'd paid for, and ended up spending a week in bed wearing the same clothes at Danny's house due to an unplanned layover from Mother's Day. Once I got back to Atlantic City, he used my leaving as an excuse to break ties. Atlantic City was not what I had imagined it to be. My vending from the back of a tricycle was ridiculed and poorly planned; it would've gone over much better in family-friendly Wildwood, not that I had the proper licensing anyway. My garden was dug in what was an overgrown abandoned lot, complete with bricks, plaster, and moldering wood. I did my best with what I had, mixing in fertilizer and topsoil. What few things grew were deformed and probably tainted with contaminants from the demolished house that once stood there. I abandoned my entire plan and decided to consider it an extended vacation, figuring I'd just leave sooner than planned and return to Philadelphia to get a new job.

I spent my summer in a fairly nice house that was to be condemned to make way for a new casino highway with a nosy, petty, overbearing, hypocritically-Christian drunkard who hit on everything even remotely female, a gay club hopper who I seldom saw, a trashy klepto drug dealer, some Russian immigrants who slept in our living room until a real room cleared out, and a crooked landlord who was actually quite nice aside from overcharging. Most days I was inside searching Wikipedia or haunting Facebook from my Droid, hoping the drunkard would go somewhere long enough for me to go out without him inviting himself along. Other days I was on the beach, scowling at the unattractive beachgoers, attempting to tan enough to look like I'd spent the summer at the beach. I rode my tricycle around town, mostly to the grocery store and the laundromat. I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with myself once I got back to town, and what I was going to tell people who thought I was going to live some adventurous summer when really I was just a recluse in a different town.

During this time, I met a rather curious man via Craigslist. He was the total opposite of everything I'd ever looked for in a guy: successful, well-adjusted, homely, Vegan, midwestern. We had a fine casual affair; he taught me the joys of orgasm, I taught him... something, I'm sure. We were like Kip and LaFawndah, except I just wasn't that into him. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking that if I saw him on the street I'd keep walking. Once I got back to Philadelphia, I decided to end things, for while he was a unique snowflake in Atlantic City, back in PHL he's just another beardo weirdo in skinny jeans and white Chucks.

I left Atlantic City and returned to Philadelphia to pursue my original intention of going to culinary school. Unfortunately, I didn't qualify for financial aid through traditional means due to some stupid clause where I don't qualify as an 'independent adult' til 24. Quite frankly, I was crushed and decided that perhaps culinary school wasn't for me afterall. I cut off my mohawk, bleached and dyed my entire head of hair a vibrant purple, and spent the next few weeks job searching and avoiding my old job for lack of good news. Eventually I managed to land a job as cashier at Forever 21. I could've stayed there forever, had I been solely a cashier. However, the store rotated positions with the idea of having us learn all the different areas of the store even though they changed every 6 weeks. I learned quickly that I was not cut out for retail. Ten black cardigans in ten different styles that go in ten different places in a store that is 2nd largest to one in NYC ... I quit after a month. I went to visit Danny, who had come to visit me sometime after I returned when he was going to quit his job on grounds of a 'nervous break down', but he turned me down when I asked to go for a walk. As I turned and walked away, all I heard was 'And he never saw her again.' I sat behind a building and cried, until the street lamps came on and the local football team started running laps nearby. I ended my friendship with Nicole after a miscommunication while trying to deliver an ill-intentioned birthday gift to her. I realized my mistake the next day, but refused to apologize, figuring I'd been on and off friends with her for long enough, and that we were bound to stop talking over something else at some point.

I dyed my radically purple hair a business-friendly brown and began the job search again. I had run through all my savings and had to resort to borrowing money from Bean. It was embarassing: never since before I started working had I needed to borrow money in any quantity from anyone that I wasn't going to pay back within 3 days. After several dead ends, I suddenly found myself with several interviews in one week. I nearly worked at Krispy Kreme, but the UPS Store on Temple University's campus was offering me hours sooner and was closer to my home, so I chose them. I went on two company-paid business trips, one to Maryland for a day to meet corporate, the other to Downingtown for a week of in-store training. There was an intensely sad moment when I was staying at the Hampton Inn, my room larger than my first apartment without the kitchen, eating Cup of Soup instead of dining out because I had literally $10 in my bank account until I got paid and couldn't afford the bill to be reimbursed by the company. Fortunately, I had won a text contest through Radio 104.5 and was able to deposit a check for $1000 when I returned home later that week. The Creator really does answer prayers.

I've been working with this company for nearly a month. Technically I'm working for a group of investors who happen to own a UPS store. They've fired most of the part time help, and will soon be firing their current lead associate on grounds of giving the store away and a bad attitude. It's unfortunate, however, everyone is responsible for their own actions so she's got no one to blame for the out come but herself. I'm contracted until June, and hopefully with the new changes that are going to be implemented by month's end, there'll still be a store for me to work at by then. If not, my old job's practically begging me to come back, and the store I trained at offered me a tentative position, as they were looking for help at the time. Quite frankly, if it weren't so far away or if I drove, I would've totally jumped ship: they have a more easy going atmosphere in a beautiful location. I would love to retire there.

So that brings me to where I am now. As far as my love life goes: after yet another terrible fling with the absolute worst person (a counselor brought to my attention that I use alcohol as an excuse to engage in careless behavior), I've imposed 6 months of abstinence on myself to be absolutely certain that I am STD-free for someone worthwhile. It also doubles as time to finally let go of Danny and figure out what I want in a mate. After all this fucking around, I'd like something serious and lasting. My plans for the future are to buy a house of my own. I'm a little wary of making such lofty plans with a somewhat unstable job, however I'm resourceful and sensible enough (now) that by the time I've got enough money for a downpayment I'll have everything sorted out. I've already opened a high-yield savings account; the next step is to start building credit, as my score is either 0 or worse, thanks to an unpaid ER bill. Fortunately my job offers me health benefits, so I shouldn't have to be in that situation again. I find myself in need of a root canal; I'm going to visit my mum's naturopathic doctor first before I allow the men in white coats to hollow out my tooth.

Well kiddies. That certainly took much longer than I anticipated, but somehow I managed to cram over three years into an hour and a half. Hope you all have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Stay tuned: perhaps this will be the platform for me to begin transcribing all my old journal musings from high school on.

Until next time...

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Holy crap, I'm back. May 31st, 2007 -x- 8:42 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad blank ]
[ listening to feeling a tad music of my head ]

If anyone reads this I do not care. I just have to get this offa me.

So she did it. She has a perfect fucking little life. Well good for you, fat fucking whale cow blimp bitch. You were always gay for me anyway. You may have everything you always wanted, but you'll never be pretty. You'll always be a bloated pink pig. May you fucking choke on your *gag* boyfriend's fat.

Yeah. I did fuck up. I really am the loser. I dropped out. I don't go to college. I got my GED. I got a shitty job. I picked up dirty fucking diapers the other day. I still live with my mother. My boyfriend decided today to either run away or kick himself out, I don't know what you would call it. I have never in life had an orgasm, but have had multiple partners. Not an obscene amount, just 5. I find out next Monday whether or not I have HIV. My best friend has herpes and wants desperately to have a baby at the age of 19. We are the fucking scum and underbelly of society.

My ultimate goal is to be able to live out in the woods off the fat of the land, or at least off a meager crop of vegetables, herbs, and herb, knitting scarves, mittens, and hats to exchange for worldly goods, then returning to my log or brick shack in thick of the forest to live out my peaceful life of herbby bread and my honey, My Sugahbutt.

But right now I'm a piece of crap who points at cars and bakes in the sun all day only to smoke weed and drink 40's for pete's sake with my best friend.

I who met a fucking slimy producer who wants to turn me into a fucking sex symbol and it's my life.

That is my life.

and you.


You have your wonderful job with your wonderful boyfriend and your wonderful apartment and your wonderful college and your life is just so wonderful because you will never see me again.

I wonder how life would've turned out if I'd stayed friends with you instead of Nicole. Would I be on the right track now?

Danny and I should just run away. That would solve everything.

We could just get jobs in another city, another state. Just fucking move.

Colorado... Nicole's supposed to be going on a trip there. We could move there, do whatever the fuck we want. Buy a plot of land and just do some shit man. Do whatever the fuck we want.

T.D. Jakes is yelling at me. Everything he's saying makes sense. Let go of your past.

Go forward.

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JUMPING SHIP May 1st, 2006 -x- 8:54 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad okay ]
[ listening to feeling a tad John Legend*Number One ]

I'm jumping ship. Partly to Myspace, partly to the real world. I've no longer got the time nor the compulsion to post endless emotionally-charged/boring entries about my ever-so-interesting life, so from now on, ifn ya need me (or ifn ya even care), go to the illustrious Myspace.

My Page

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February 1st, 2006 -x- 2:05 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad morose ]
[ listening to feeling a tad A Charlie Brown Christmas*Christmas Time is Here (vocal) ]

Here's the letter I found lodged in my mail slot yesterday afternoon.

... I don't know if i have accepted this yet. Maybe i have, which is why im writing. i guess its a way to calm myself down. There is no point to act out its not goin to solve anything other than make myself look like an idiot on the train. Ive drowned my sorrows enough already, especially sunday yea i literally drowned them in beer with only 2 hours of sleep. I needed some way to numb the pain. personally i dont agree with it but in that position there doesn't seem to be that many options. But everything i just said really doesnt matter rite now. See, i just got off the sub and now im on the El. The only thing goin through my head rite now is if whether or not i should go see you. Im so lonely right now and i miss CAT so much, but i don't think i would be able to be near "you" right now. I see two souls, and i just cant differentiate between them. The girl ive been loving or the liar that capped my head up. They both look the same, so how do i tell. i can't. Will it comfort me or hurt me to see you. im unsure wht to do. everything is mixed messages "i do want to see you" "i dont" "yes no" FUCK! there is no help for me. i need to make a decision and i need to make it fast. (Already Allegheny) time is growing short. Your a strong character and i kno that you wont break especially because you feel like the only victim. "Everyone has done you wrong including Danny" You are a victim, but so am i.
Fuck times up. im here at the station i think its best if i stay alone rite now, maybe l8r MY HEART AND IS FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW I NEED MORE

I took this to be a good sign, that at least he's communicating with me and at least he thought of coming to see me, so I called him last night. He didn't pick up so I left a message stating that if he didn't call me tomorrow that I'd buy the most beautiful rose I could afford and sit out on his front step until he came home from school, no matter how cold or windy or rainy. He called back and said that he just meant it as a letter for me to read and that he wanted to be alone so I told him that when he's ready, he knows where to find me. So basically the only reason he called was to keep me from performing my only overt act of love ever.

I'll give him some time, but if I hear nothing from him by Valentine's Day, I'll consider it officially over. I'm not going to hold onto him if he doesn't want me to.

got something to say?

January 31st, 2006 -x- 2:36 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad weird ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Diana Ross*I'm Gonna Make You Love Me ]

I'm contemplating changing my Blurty back to "PUBLIC". I've only got a handful of friends on here and quite frankly, I don't give a fruck what the internet thinks or knows about me. It's not anything anyone can really use against me.

Anywho, I've fucked up with Danny, rather royally, I must admit. I let him in on some information that escalated into an argument and he hasn't spoken to me since. I've left two messages on his voicemail and I'm about to get a little more proactive in my efforts to reconcile. I will go so far as to pick up something from the florist's and sit on his front step in the cold and rain until he comes home from school. But if all that doesn't work, there's a very real possibility that it may end. He's been reevaluating his life; I don't think there's room in this revision for me.

*sigh* I'm not giving up until I have to.

He hates me, but I'm going to fix it.

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SURVEE January 19th, 2006 -x- 1:16 am
[ listening to feeling a tad bored ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Cradle of Filth*Black Metal ]

The Truth About Cat
[Create my own survey!]

Powered by The Blunt Truth
You wish I would...
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
<---- Fall Off the Planet! Take Over the World! ---->
My hair looks better...
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
<---- Buzzcut, Baby! Long and Lovely ---->
My hair looks better...
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
<---- Multi-colored Au Naturel ---->
Would you care if I knew how you answered this survey?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
<---- Not At All I'd Be Mortified ---->
How nice is my chest?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
<---- Worst Best ---->

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January 18th, 2006 -x- 2:33 am
[ listening to feeling a tad horny ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Ricky Martin*Lola, Lola ]

For me, food and sex are on damn near the same plane.

Men are like a buffet. I don't want to eat all the food that's laid out in front of me. Some of it is distasteful to my palate. There are some things I would never eat and some things I can't get enough of. There are some foods you can only eat in moderation because they're so flavorful and others that need some serious spice. I simply want to have a bite (or three) of everything that looks good and go about my business.


He's like steak and potatoes. A delicious classic, always a favorite, although after eating it for a couple days in a row, you start to want something different.

He's like caviar. Something special, something I can't afford, something I've heard is an acquired taste, but something I'd like to try nonetheless.

It's like salt. Utterly necessary in every savory dish, it kicks up the flavor and makes everything just taste better.

It's like pepper. Not everybody likes it and if you use too much, the meal is ruined. Sprinkled judiciously throughout however, it can add much-needed spice.

It's like a salad. It can be anything from a few shreds of lettuce with olive oil to a massive travesty full of meat, cheese, dressing, and every vegetable ever grown. In its purest form, it's nothing but a filler, but when you add things to it (the add-ins being another person or some dirty talk), it can be enough to satisfy hunger.

I swear, I could write a book in which every guy I've ever dealt with and every aspect of my sexual experience is equated to food. I've thought about it, illustrations and everything, but I really don't know where to start.

Any ideas?

got something to say?

December 12th, 2005 -x- 12:13 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad loved ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Kanye West*Heard Em Say ]


I had a dream last Monday night wherein he said "I love you", I said "I love you too" and he said "Gee, that wasn't so scary." So since my dreams are often prophetic, I had resolved to ask him if he loved me. It took until yesterday morning when he was about to leave after a hella crazy afterparty for me to work up the nerve to ask him. I gave him the option to say no, to which he replied "I can't say that." He said he'd talk to me later about it and left.

WELL! Last night he called around 10pm. At first everything was cool, and then he brought it up. He said I caught him off guard with the question. That was followed by silence. I felt like I was paralyzed; I had a million and a half things I wanted to say but found myself completely incapable of saying anything. He asked me what I thought love was and I said I didn't know. A few minutes later, I just broke, poured my black little heart out to him, spilled everything.

That was pretty much how it went; huge chunks of pained silence interspersed with tearful questions and statements. He said that he's loved me for a while but just hasn't said anything, which is funny because that's exactly how I've felt. I told him that he's the only person I'd stay in Philly longer for and that I want to stay FOR him, not BECAUSE OF him. We got to the point where we both realized that it wouldn't work in the long run; even if I stay another year, it wouldn't matter because he's going off to college in the fall. I've come to the conclusion that our love is terrifying because we know we're going to have to let go of each other.

Ours is a bittersweet revelation. We love each other, but are doomed to separate because of our futures.

<--extra. sharp. cheddar.

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DAMNireallydon'tcare December 5th, 2005 -x- 7:53 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad discontent ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Mariah Carey*We Belong Together ]

That's what happened to me today.

3 has a voiceave voices  - got something to say?

READ THIS PAPER!!! November 30th, 2005 -x- 12:22 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad accomplished ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Ricky Martin*Lola, Lola ]

I interviewed myself for my mum's paper; here's what happened.

The person I chose to interview is an 18-year-old female. She has a brother with a disability. He is visually impaired, meaning he has very limited vision. For the majority of his life, she feels that he has been a bit of a pariah because of the ignorance of others. Being the last born, she also feels that he has been somewhat sheltered because of his birth order more than his disability.

His disability has not really affected the family constellation to a great extent, as his siblings and relatives all have the same problem to some degree. He is seen by them as no different. There are, in fact, some benefits to his disability. Thanks to the Variety Club, he gets to go to events for the disabled such as Sesame Place and dinners and things like that. It is society that presents him with difficulties.

For the majority of elementary school and part of middle school, he attended a special school called St. Lucy’s in Upper Darby. They facilitate students with many disabilities, including mental retardation and total blindness. Being as his impairment is what they deemed to be “borderline”, or not as serious as the other students, he was forced to leave the school and transferred to a public school. His low vision prevents him from doing things like the other students. His handwriting has been impacted by it; there was a time when the public school loaned him a laptop computer so he could type his notes instead of write them. He has been left back a grade because of it; the lack of specialized and personalized teaching has been detrimental to his learning process. The other students also create troubles for him as far as school is concerned.

The lack of proper education about disabilities among his classmates has been a source of ridicule on his behalf. They make fun of him because his glasses are so thick. They tease him because of the facial expressions he makes while trying to focus on and see things. He has been bullied extensively and even beaten up a few times simply because he can not see as well as other children.

She and her other siblings wish that there was something they could do to stop the social abuse from happening, but alas, there is no cure for discrimination and prejudice. In fact, this is the only detrimental affect his disability has had on their family. They have had to deal with the stress and grief of having their disadvantaged sibling being tormented by others.

She feels that there needs to be education in schools about people with disabilities. Children need to be taught that the disabled are just like everyone else, they’re simply different. They function like everyone else, feel pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy; the only thing separating them from the majority is something they were born with. It’s no different than hair color or height. She feels that the nation in general is far too close-minded for all the diversity that exists within it.

It is quite apparent that when dealing with children with disabilities, be they physical or mental, one must also take into account the feelings and needs of the other members of the family. In order for the assistance and care provided to the disabled individual to be effective, one must also take into account the other family members’ thoughts and feelings.

DAMN that's a good paper.

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Wookit September 27th, 2005 -x- 2:04 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad bored ]
[ listening to feeling a tad OK Go*What to Do? ]

2 has a voiceave voices  - got something to say?

Wop Wop January 26th, 2005 -x- 7:27 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad okay ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Cinderella*So This Is Love ]

Borrowed from bluestatic

* Scan my interest list. List the one that seems the most odd to you.

* I'll explain it.

* Then you post this in your journal so other people can ask you about your interests .

9 has a voiceave voices  - got something to say?

March 24th, 2004 -x- 6:54 pm
[ listening to feeling a tad chipper ]
[ listening to feeling a tad Incubus*The Answer ]

-Comment and I'll add you back if I like the cut of your jib.
-d0n't TyP3 LyK DiS bKuZ iTz NaWt KeWL LoLz!!11!1
-Please PLEASE PLEASE don't add me without posting a comment because you will not be added back.

12 has a voiceave voices  - got something to say?

Would I even Care? I would.

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