| -Holy crap, I'm back.- |
Thursday, the 31st of May, 2007 |8:42pm| |
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music of my head |
If anyone reads this I do not care. I just have to get this offa me.
So she did it. She has a perfect fucking little life. Well good for you, fat fucking whale cow blimp bitch. You were always gay for me anyway. You may have everything you always wanted, but you'll never be pretty. You'll always be a bloated pink pig. May you fucking choke on your *gag* boyfriend's fat.
Yeah. I did fuck up. I really am the loser. I dropped out. I don't go to college. I got my GED. I got a shitty job. I picked up dirty fucking diapers the other day. I still live with my mother. My boyfriend decided today to either run away or kick himself out, I don't know what you would call it. I have never in life had an orgasm, but have had multiple partners. Not an obscene amount, just 5. I find out next Monday whether or not I have HIV. My best friend has herpes and wants desperately to have a baby at the age of 19. We are the fucking scum and underbelly of society.
My ultimate goal is to be able to live out in the woods off the fat of the land, or at least off a meager crop of vegetables, herbs, and herb, knitting scarves, mittens, and hats to exchange for worldly goods, then returning to my log or brick shack in thick of the forest to live out my peaceful life of herbby bread and my honey, My Sugahbutt.
But right now I'm a piece of crap who points at cars and bakes in the sun all day only to smoke weed and drink 40's for pete's sake with my best friend.
I who met a fucking slimy producer who wants to turn me into a fucking sex symbol and it's my life.
That is my life.
and you.
You,
Bitch.
You have your wonderful job with your wonderful boyfriend and your wonderful apartment and your wonderful college and your life is just so wonderful because you will never see me again.
I wonder how life would've turned out if I'd stayed friends with you instead of Nicole. Would I be on the right track now?
Danny and I should just run away. That would solve everything.
We could just get jobs in another city, another state. Just fucking move.
Colorado... Nicole's supposed to be going on a trip there. We could move there, do whatever the fuck we want. Buy a plot of land and just do some shit man. Do whatever the fuck we want.
T.D. Jakes is yelling at me. Everything he's saying makes sense. Let go of your past.
Go forward.
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| -JUMPING SHIP- |
Monday, the 1st of May, 2006 |8:54pm| |
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 okay |
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I'm jumping ship. Partly to Myspace, partly to the real world. I've no longer got the time nor the compulsion to post endless emotionally-charged/boring entries about my ever-so-interesting life, so from now on, ifn ya need me (or ifn ya even care), go to the illustrious Myspace.
My Page
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Wednesday, the 1st of February, 2006 |2:05pm| |
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 morose |
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A Charlie Brown Christmas*Christmas Time is Here (vocal) |
Here's the letter I found lodged in my mail slot yesterday afternoon.
... I don't know if i have accepted this yet. Maybe i have, which is why im writing. i guess its a way to calm myself down. There is no point to act out its not goin to solve anything other than make myself look like an idiot on the train. Ive drowned my sorrows enough already, especially sunday yea i literally drowned them in beer with only 2 hours of sleep. I needed some way to numb the pain. personally i dont agree with it but in that position there doesn't seem to be that many options. But everything i just said really doesnt matter rite now. See, i just got off the sub and now im on the El. The only thing goin through my head rite now is if whether or not i should go see you. Im so lonely right now and i miss CAT so much, but i don't think i would be able to be near "you" right now. I see two souls, and i just cant differentiate between them. The girl ive been loving or the liar that capped my head up. They both look the same, so how do i tell. i can't. Will it comfort me or hurt me to see you. im unsure wht to do. everything is mixed messages "i do want to see you" "i dont" "yes no" FUCK! there is no help for me. i need to make a decision and i need to make it fast. (Already Allegheny) time is growing short. Your a strong character and i kno that you wont break especially because you feel like the only victim. "Everyone has done you wrong including Danny" You are a victim, but so am i.
Fuck times up. im here at the station i think its best if i stay alone rite now, maybe l8r MY HEART AND IS FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW I NEED MORE
TIME
I took this to be a good sign, that at least he's communicating with me and at least he thought of coming to see me, so I called him last night. He didn't pick up so I left a message stating that if he didn't call me tomorrow that I'd buy the most beautiful rose I could afford and sit out on his front step until he came home from school, no matter how cold or windy or rainy. He called back and said that he just meant it as a letter for me to read and that he wanted to be alone so I told him that when he's ready, he knows where to find me. So basically the only reason he called was to keep me from performing my only overt act of love ever.
I'll give him some time, but if I hear nothing from him by Valentine's Day, I'll consider it officially over. I'm not going to hold onto him if he doesn't want me to.
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Tuesday, the 31st of January, 2006 |2:36pm| |
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 weird |
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I'm contemplating changing my Blurty back to "PUBLIC". I've only got a handful of friends on here and quite frankly, I don't give a fruck what the internet thinks or knows about me. It's not anything anyone can really use against me.
Anywho, I've fucked up with Danny, rather royally, I must admit. I let him in on some information that escalated into an argument and he hasn't spoken to me since. I've left two messages on his voicemail and I'm about to get a little more proactive in my efforts to reconcile. I will go so far as to pick up something from the florist's and sit on his front step in the cold and rain until he comes home from school. But if all that doesn't work, there's a very real possibility that it may end. He's been reevaluating his life; I don't think there's room in this revision for me.
*sigh* I'm not giving up until I have to.
He hates me, but I'm going to fix it.
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| -SURVEE- |
Thursday, the 19th of January, 2006 |1:16am| |
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 bored |
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Wednesday, the 18th of January, 2006 |2:33am| |
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 horny |
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For me, food and sex are on damn near the same plane.
Men are like a buffet. I don't want to eat all the food that's laid out in front of me. Some of it is distasteful to my palate. There are some things I would never eat and some things I can't get enough of. There are some foods you can only eat in moderation because they're so flavorful and others that need some serious spice. I simply want to have a bite (or three) of everything that looks good and go about my business.
EXAMPLES/EJEMPLOS
Danny
He's like steak and potatoes. A delicious classic, always a favorite, although after eating it for a couple days in a row, you start to want something different.
Ericson
He's like caviar. Something special, something I can't afford, something I've heard is an acquired taste, but something I'd like to try nonetheless.
Foreplay
It's like salt. Utterly necessary in every savory dish, it kicks up the flavor and makes everything just taste better.
S&M
It's like pepper. Not everybody likes it and if you use too much, the meal is ruined. Sprinkled judiciously throughout however, it can add much-needed spice.
Masturbation
It's like a salad. It can be anything from a few shreds of lettuce with olive oil to a massive travesty full of meat, cheese, dressing, and every vegetable ever grown. In its purest form, it's nothing but a filler, but when you add things to it (the add-ins being another person or some dirty talk), it can be enough to satisfy hunger.
I swear, I could write a book in which every guy I've ever dealt with and every aspect of my sexual experience is equated to food. I've thought about it, illustrations and everything, but I really don't know where to start.
Any ideas?
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Monday, the 12th of December, 2005 |12:13pm| |
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 loved |
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HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME!!!
I had a dream last Monday night wherein he said "I love you", I said "I love you too" and he said "Gee, that wasn't so scary." So since my dreams are often prophetic, I had resolved to ask him if he loved me. It took until yesterday morning when he was about to leave after a hella crazy afterparty for me to work up the nerve to ask him. I gave him the option to say no, to which he replied "I can't say that." He said he'd talk to me later about it and left.
WELL! Last night he called around 10pm. At first everything was cool, and then he brought it up. He said I caught him off guard with the question. That was followed by silence. I felt like I was paralyzed; I had a million and a half things I wanted to say but found myself completely incapable of saying anything. He asked me what I thought love was and I said I didn't know. A few minutes later, I just broke, poured my black little heart out to him, spilled everything.
That was pretty much how it went; huge chunks of pained silence interspersed with tearful questions and statements. He said that he's loved me for a while but just hasn't said anything, which is funny because that's exactly how I've felt. I told him that he's the only person I'd stay in Philly longer for and that I want to stay FOR him, not BECAUSE OF him. We got to the point where we both realized that it wouldn't work in the long run; even if I stay another year, it wouldn't matter because he's going off to college in the fall. I've come to the conclusion that our love is terrifying because we know we're going to have to let go of each other.
Ours is a bittersweet revelation. We love each other, but are doomed to separate because of our futures.
<--extra. sharp. cheddar.
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| -DAMNireallydon'tcare- |
Monday, the 5th of December, 2005 |7:53pm| |
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discontent |
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That's what happened to me today.
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| -READ THIS PAPER!!!- |
Wednesday, the 30th of November, 2005 |12:22pm| |
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 accomplished |
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I interviewed myself for my mum's paper; here's what happened.
The person I chose to interview is an 18-year-old female. She has a brother with a disability. He is visually impaired, meaning he has very limited vision. For the majority of his life, she feels that he has been a bit of a pariah because of the ignorance of others. Being the last born, she also feels that he has been somewhat sheltered because of his birth order more than his disability.
His disability has not really affected the family constellation to a great extent, as his siblings and relatives all have the same problem to some degree. He is seen by them as no different. There are, in fact, some benefits to his disability. Thanks to the Variety Club, he gets to go to events for the disabled such as Sesame Place and dinners and things like that. It is society that presents him with difficulties.
For the majority of elementary school and part of middle school, he attended a special school called St. Lucy’s in Upper Darby. They facilitate students with many disabilities, including mental retardation and total blindness. Being as his impairment is what they deemed to be “borderline”, or not as serious as the other students, he was forced to leave the school and transferred to a public school. His low vision prevents him from doing things like the other students. His handwriting has been impacted by it; there was a time when the public school loaned him a laptop computer so he could type his notes instead of write them. He has been left back a grade because of it; the lack of specialized and personalized teaching has been detrimental to his learning process. The other students also create troubles for him as far as school is concerned.
The lack of proper education about disabilities among his classmates has been a source of ridicule on his behalf. They make fun of him because his glasses are so thick. They tease him because of the facial expressions he makes while trying to focus on and see things. He has been bullied extensively and even beaten up a few times simply because he can not see as well as other children.
She and her other siblings wish that there was something they could do to stop the social abuse from happening, but alas, there is no cure for discrimination and prejudice. In fact, this is the only detrimental affect his disability has had on their family. They have had to deal with the stress and grief of having their disadvantaged sibling being tormented by others.
She feels that there needs to be education in schools about people with disabilities. Children need to be taught that the disabled are just like everyone else, they’re simply different. They function like everyone else, feel pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy; the only thing separating them from the majority is something they were born with. It’s no different than hair color or height. She feels that the nation in general is far too close-minded for all the diversity that exists within it.
It is quite apparent that when dealing with children with disabilities, be they physical or mental, one must also take into account the feelings and needs of the other members of the family. In order for the assistance and care provided to the disabled individual to be effective, one must also take into account the other family members’ thoughts and feelings.
DAMN that's a good paper.
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| -Wop Wop- |
Wednesday, the 26th of January, 2005 |7:27pm| |
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okay |
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Borrowed from  bluestatic
* Scan my interest list. List the one that seems the most odd to you.
* I'll explain it.
* Then you post this in your journal so other people can ask you about your interests .
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Wednesday, the 24th of March, 2004 |6:54pm| |
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 chipper |
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Rules
-Comment and I'll add you back if I like the cut of your jib.
-d0n't TyP3 LyK DiS bKuZ iTz NaWt KeWL LoLz!!11!1
-Please PLEASE PLEASE don't add me without posting a comment because you will not be added back.
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