Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in herzeleid's Blurty:

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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
6:27 am	debilitating headache for the last 12 hours. begged a to shoot me in the head but she refused. she always refuses. it stops hurting if i lie completely still which is impossible to do at work. received a package from california yesterday. its full of toys. toys from when i was a small child. my dads wife must be cleaning out the garage. i think ill throw the whole box away. i dont remember any of those toys. Current Music: my own screams of agony (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
2:04 am	too romantic im having a hard time tonight. its not easy to walk around petending to be a human being. when 99% of the tragedy in my life has been caused by me. itd be so much easier to deal if i could lay blame elsewhere. dont think i havent tried. a big problem is looking at the past, and seeing myself as much happier. its not true. i wasnt happier then, i only remember the good things. i called my ex tonight (big fucking mistake) she wasnt happy to hear from me. absolutely fucking pathetic. i cant sleep because i dont want to sleep because i keep dreaming about her. why? shes a bitch on wheels. i dont know. i dont even think i was in love with her when we were together (2 years ago) lets see... she moved in, a year later i lost my job and everything fell apart, i kicked her out, she fucked my "friend" then i got back with her to spite him (i shouldve just beaten him but i knew getting back with her would hurt him more) then we stopped talking and she began boning some other dude. weeks later she called and said she was pregnant. i dont know why she would even bother calling as she didnt seem to care what i thought. Current Mood: guess Current Music: joy division - closer (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 28th, 2003
11:11 pm	your god in his wisdom, took you by the hand, your god in his wisdom made you understand. hello, what are you up to? nothing. wee. what are you up to? um, not much. slept maybe.... 14 hours today. GOOD STUFF. doctor gave me these pills, for sleeping. they work. and they mix well with prozac. why do people i know have such a fucking aneurism when they find out i take pills? i certainly dont feel any different. im still an irritable bastard... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 7th, 2003
7:28 am	im so fucking tired. found out yesterday that H's mom died of an overdose. strange, i never knew she was on drugs... the rashaad tells me our friend J fell down some stairs or something and now hes brain damaged. wearing a helmet and all that. someone was killed on sunday, less than a mile from my home. boris bit the fuck out of maggie yesterday. on her foot and her belly. cheeky bastard. now for the good news: ill be at the beach in 2 weeks from now. now that i think about it, that might not actually be good news. in fact, im not sure how i feel about it. the beach is nice but it doesnt exactly thrill me. what have you been up to? (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 17th, 2003
5:34 am	the slightest contusion becomes a lethal wound you know how to lie, you know how to take a hint. resorting to proven measures to stop the trend. previously unyeilding but now compared to then... great news! not for me but for a friend. there are so few people i wish success for, its nice to see one of them achieve it. why when i close my eyes to sleep do i torture myself with past mistakes? how can i move on if i cant get over previous fuck ups? why do answers always lead to more questions? how can i find myself so damn annoying? Current Mood: hyper Current Music: richard snoring (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
12:21 am	i.am.so.tired. got 6 hours of sleep yesterday. fucking air conditioning kept shutting off and my bed was like a furnace. nothing quite like waking up bathed in sweat. completely uninteresting. a asked for a kiss today but i cant give her one. i am screwed until she gets a job. ive fucked up big time. what can i do? i cant kick her out on her ass but im not willing to have a 'relationship' with her. why is it that when i finally find someone who will put up with my shit, i cant put up with theirs? hmm? any ideas? Current Mood: fucked off Current Music: skinny puppy - too dark park (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 5th, 2003
3:56 am	i keep having these bizarre dreams. theyre so vivid, sometimes i cant tell if im awake or asleep. work prevents me from getting on a regular sleep schedule. the dark circles under my eyes make me look like ive been in a fight. all a wants to do is sleep. all rashaad wants to do is drink. neither one can pay the rent. i want to move sooo bad but theyre holding me back. im fuckin stuck in this dump. Current Mood: foul Current Music: a/c hiss (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 28th, 2003
2:01 am	now its dark spent yesterday sweating. boris did his best to keep me awake with his constant bitching and maoning. he ended up in a crate. my neck itches because i cut my hair before work. i should be paying someone to cut my hair as i always seem to fuck it up. if it wasnt so damn hot out id wear a hat. richard is asleep at the desk next to me. hes not snoring yet but it cant be long. i think this is the first job ive had that i actually enjoy. well, "enjoy" might be an exaggeration. its not painful being here. of course i have no social life, but i dont mind. reminds of a song "you can be the life of the party, and be the death of everyone. all i want, is a life without parties..." or something like that. jawbreaker i think... (Comment on this)
Friday, June 27th, 2003
5:08 am	complaints and whining my ear hurts. im tired. im hungry. i want to go home. i want a cigarette. theres a hole in my sock. my elbow itches. im poor. i want to move. i need to shave. and so on and so forth. ok im done. i just had to get it out of my system before i annoyed the hell out of someone i know. ive got a bit of work to do, but first, ill go home and eat a sandwich. maybe take a nap. this site creeps me out. reading other ppls entries... i certainly couldnt put my deepest darkest secrets in here. im too paranoid. Current Mood: other Current Music: requiem for a dream soundrack (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
6:55 pm	so last night i had a dream i was in a giant pet store wandering around. some fish had escaped their aquariums and were swimming past my head and brushing against me. very unsettling. now im at work and im still tired. timmy is here and he wants to go to the store. thats fine i need to get phone card recharged anyway. id really like a nap. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 21st, 2003
2:10 am	hmph my head hurts. i have to pee. its cold in here. im hungry. whats new with you? anything? everything? went to a seminar yesterday. i think it was the longest time ive gone without speaking a word. a big difference from my usual verbal diarrhea (excessive looseness of the bowels). its been a long time. where have you been? i was thinking about you the other day. missing you. i hope youre happy and well and havent died in a car accident. talk to me soon please. Current Mood: awake Current Music: aphex twin - 26 mixes for cash (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2003
1:55 am	isnt life grand? thats what i thought. where are you and why havent we spoken? we used to be so close... LoL i found rashaad today. hes been hiding at his parents house. i think he lost his job. i also think the simple life ive made for myself will be disrupted soon. we fear change. even the good kind. if you e-mail me ill send you my picture! how exciting is that?!?!? Current Mood: other Current Music: ramms+ein- live aus berlin (Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2003
2:41 am	work work work it never ends. im unfit for this kind of living. i shouldve been born wealthy. i got a new couch tonight. i found it next to the dumpster and had some neighborhood kid help me carry it up to my apartment. now that the hard part is done, ill find out someone died on it or its got a family of rats living in it. i need to clean my apartment. boris (the lazy bastard) doesnt do shit all day but eat and sleep. youd think he could clean, or go get a job or something. i remind him everyday that cat food isnt free. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: gravediggaz - nightmare in a minor (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2003
11:24 pm	original skeptic you say "not likely" i say, "anythings possible". now, im never comfortable in an optimists shoes but i have seen the most unlikely things happen. in fact, ive seen things i thought were impossible happen. im a firm believer in 'you can have anything if you want it bad enough'. i wasnt at one time, but like i said, ive witnessed it. the biggest risks come with the biggest payoffs. this could just be an amusement (and most likely is) but it could be more. stranger things have happened. Current Mood: restless Current Music: front 242 - official version (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2003
12:20 am	dollar store pop-tarts who would eat anything purchased in a dollar store? i mean, who knows what kinda queer singapore warehouse did was that shit sitting and for how long? nasty! i ran out of money this week. was forced to sell my precious (ha) porno to my roommate for gas money. i did feel a bit of remorse but i know i cant look back. besides i can always steal it while hes at work. then again, who the fuck would want used porno?!?! thats nastier than dollar store pop-tarts. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2003
6:45 am	cant wait to get home i need to relax. its been a rough week. ok thats a lie. its been an easy week. but class was stressful. and on the last day the instructer used me as an example on the three ways to properly handcuff someone. there are three types of people (arrestees) there are "yes" people who fuly comply with the arrest. then there are "maybe" people (the most dangerous), and "no" people. as the "yes" person i got to stand as he handcuffed me. as the "maybe" person i had to get down on my knees and cross my ankles. not so bad. but then as the "no" person, i was put face down on the floor and had a knee in my back. now, ive never been handcuffed outside of the bedroom so it was a bizarre experience to be humilliated in public by someone other than myself. oh i passed the class and only got one wrong on the test. the cats keep fighting. its my fault for not having any other cats around when boris was growing up. he thinks hes a human. ever seen a cat fight? its nasty business. hissing, scratching, biting etc etc. there must be some way to make them get along. i cant have cats fighting in my apartment. or can i? hmmmm Current Mood: hungry Current Music: sigur ros (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 6th, 2003
8:52 pm	appetite for distraction "me have ADD" or so i would have you believe. the prozac should be kicking in any day now. rashaad was telling me a story yesterday. he used to work as a cashier at k-mart. with 10 people waiting in line, he had to call a price check. the supervisor came over and rashaad tried to turn around but his belt loop got caught on the piece of metal that holds the bags. now, thats no big deal but the sudden stop to his sideways motion cause his tightly clenched butt cheeks to separate, releasing a loud fart. while hes telling this story, im looking over his head through the window. its so bright outside and there are people walking around. i hate seeing people outside whem im home. i dont even want to think of other people. just be safe and home and (more or less) alone. Current Mood: awake Current Music: interpol - turn on the bright lights (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 4th, 2003
5:45 am	i just spent $50 at the grocery store. i started talking to the clerk who used to live where i work. he asked if i would look into a storage unit and see if any of his stuff is still there. i know its empty but i didnt have the heart to tell him. he seemed....destitute? is that the word? idk. cant be too well off if hes working as a cashier in some shit-hole store at 4am. poor bastard. i hope i have enough sense to kill myself if im 50 years old working as a night clerk. how depressing. april is moving in on tuesday. im a little scared. ive still got a lot of shit to do before then. cleaning wise. plus ive gotta find a good place to hide the porn. cant have her digging through my sinful stash! maybe i should just throw it out. cant be healthy having an emotional attachment to a magazine.... (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
5:20 am	"optional, for use on longer entries" spent two days locked in my apartment. fun times. got lotsa sleep, and spent quality time with the cat. he needs attention. but only when im doing something. if im actually calling him, he cant be bothered. ive noticed a disturbing trend in the sanitation practices of my roommate. he will stockpile dishes and silverware in his bedroom for a week or so. then when the kitchens all clean (rare), he will deposit all these filthy items in the sink. so, one moment, itll be spic & span, then i turn around, and theres like 50 crapped on plates, bowls, etc crammed in the sink. now when i sit down and try to concentrate on his motives in hoarding dirty dishes, all i can come up with is: i need to get out more. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: dj shadow - endroducing (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
2:02 am	woke up late. got to work late. work work work. it never ends. how do you feel about having to work everyday for the rest of your life? and- can you do the same thing everyday for years and NOT hate it? is that even possible? if so, then you should support me so i can do my own thing and not have to worry about the electricity being shut off or the rent being late. Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: joy divison - still (1 Comment |Comment on this)