Little Laura Llewellyn's Journal

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

4:03PM - "I'm Sure There's Something in a Shade of Grey or Something Inbetween"

I finally shaved my legs. Excellent.

Things have been terribly busy, and perhaps my patience is being tried. I keep wondering if perhaps it is my own irritability that has lead to such a degree of almost violent encounters. An interesting question which, certainly, warrants an answer, but I fear that there is no answer for me.

My patience is thinning out, and I wonder where the need is now to listen and understand. Have a listened too long with only feigned interest? Perhaps my own words will come back to haunt me, but there is too much of a stillness now...where are my ripples of care? At least a solem sense of care?

Current mood: odd
Current music: "Anna Begins'
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4:03PM - "I'm Sure There's Something in a Shade of Grey or Something Inbetween"

I finally shaved my legs. Excellent.

Things have been terribly busy, and perhaps my patience is being tried. I keep wondering if perhaps it is my own irritability that has lead to such a degree of almost violent encounters. An interesting question which, certainly, warrants an answer, but I fear that there is no answer for me.

My patience is thinning out, and I wonder where the need is now to listen and understand. Have a listened too long with only feigned interest? Perhaps my own words will come back to haunt me, but there is too much of a stillness now...where are my ripples of care? At least a solem sense of care?

Current mood: odd
Current music: "Anna Begins" - Counting Crows
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Saturday, September 20, 2003

6:06PM - Emily Jiles...This One is For You, Baby!

last car ride: Coming home from the mall with my mom this afternoon.
last kiss: John Gniadek
last good cry: When I missed my Brit Lit class...I called my mother and bawled about whether or not to interrupt it (answer: "Jesus, Laura, don't go in like that! You'll embarass yourself.")
last library book checked out: a book on feminism in the 1920s
last movie seen: "Chicago"
last book read: "The Woman in White" for Brit Lit 302
last beverage drank: Diet Coke
last food consumed: Smore Sundae at American Cafe with Mommy Dearest
last crush: I fell madly in love with a hat at Arden B., and I'm going back to get it on Monday.
last phone call: My aunt called to check up on the hurricane situation.
last tv show watched: The Late Show
last time showered: Three days ago...I've been taking cold baths since the power went out.
last shoes worn: Green Easy Spirit flip-flops
last cd played: Joni Mitchell - "Court and Spark"
last downloaded: A patch for the Worm Blaster virus
last annoyance: Not having power for about sixty hours.
last disappointment: Feeling like someone wasn't listening to a word I was saying...he knows who he is. And if HE doesn't, I will make it quite clear tonight.
last soda drank: Diet Coke
last thing written: A poem last night
last key used: Car keys to the Green Saturn
last word spoken: "Friend" - I was singing "Diamond's Are a Girl's Best Friend"
last sleep: 10 o' clock
last im: Natalie
last time wanting to die: I have never seriously felt that way...I've of course screamed it mercilessly when I got my favorite high heels soaking wet in a puddle.
last time in love: Right now, baby!
last time hugged: Last night - Taylor and I always hug goodnight.
last chair sat in: This wonderful old armchair that is now my computer chair.
last lipstick used: A fine, shimmery red called "Luxe" by Lancome
last underwear worn: Satin teal panties - do it with style!
last bra worn: A new one I just bought today from Victoria's Secret - I was fitted and everything! Quite exciting.
last shirt worn: A multi-print floral shirt from The Gap.
last time dancing: Alone in my study a few nights ago - to "Rock Your Body," nonetheless!
last poster looked at: "Tournee Du Chat Noir," which is above my bed.
last show attended: "Castle O'Sullivan" at Busch Gardens! HA!

-- Name: Laura
-- Birthday: July 30, 1984
-- Birthplace: Portsmouth, Virginia
-- Current Location: Chesapeake and Norfolk
-- Eye Color: Warm brown, with delightful specs of gold, I'm told.
-- Hair Color: Dark brown
-- Height: Five feet, exactly.
-- Righty or Lefty: Tighty Righty.
-- Zodiac Sign: Leo, hence the vanity, I suppose.

-- Your heritage: Mostly English, but also Sioux Indian and French (we were nobles before my ancestor by the last name of Munch was beheaded by the King of Frace, making the rest of the family flee)
-- The shoes you wore today: Green Easy Spirit sandals
-- Your weakness: Retail! My God, it's so theraputic!
-- Your fears: Horrific bugs, riding in a car on the interstate during crowded conditions (especially in the rain), accidents, and perhaps not doing everything perfectly.
-- Your perfect pizza: Hawaiian
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Stay on the Dean's List throughout college, remain active and lively in Alpha Xi Delta as a high-ranking officer, make a difference in the lives of others, and just to be happy and satisfied with myself and my situation.

-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: "Ahahaha"
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Lord, let the power be back on!
-- Your best physical feature: It's all fine, honey!
-- Your bedtime: I like to be in bed by eleven on school nights...on the weekend, I'm up with the girls until the wee hours.
-- Your fave memory: So many! Going to MacArthur Mall with my mom on Christmas Eve to "piddle around," prom, Thanksgiving at Buckey's, talking with Natalie in her kitchen, Theta Chi parties, visiting John, fall at ODU, New York City with the chorus, Virginia Honors Choir (best weekend of my life!), Disney World with the fam...oh, I shan't go on - I would fill the whole page.

-- Pepsi or Coke: Coca-Cola, darling! It was first, and remains more of a Southern beverage.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's, certainly.
-- Single or group dates: SINGLE dates! How can you get to know someone intimately if you're competing in coversation with everyone else? It needs to be all about you - after all, that's what he's got to get to know.
-- Adidas or Nike: I could give a shit. Let's just say Naturalizer and Nine West.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Chinese Green Tea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Why is this even a question? Chocolate, baby.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino - sweet and sassy, and I don't want to hear any argument.

-- smoke: Darling, I've got too many vices...smoking doesn't need to be one of them.
-- Curse: Like a damn sailor.
-- Sing: All the time - mostly jazz, but I am trained in opera.
-- Take a shower everyday: Unless I'm sick as a damn dog, and cannot bear to drag myself to the faucet, or if I'm feeling lazy and don't want to go out anywhere. Sometimes, only a bath will do, too.
-- Have a crush(es): Yes - that HAT!
-- Do you think you've been in love: No doubt!
-- Want to go to college: I would have it no other way! Old Dirty, y'all!
-- Like high school: College is infinately better, but high school was certainly a growth experience - it's where I learned to be myself, I suppose. And chorus was one of the best times of my life.
-- Want to get married: Of course - but not too soon. I have things to do for myself before I can settle.
-- Believe in yourself: How could I not?
-- Get motion sickness: Strobe lights, sometimes, and if I'm going in circles at times. Or if I'm in a crowded car and can't see the road.
-- Think you're attractive: I'm irresistable, you fool.
-- Think you're a health freak: I try to be concious of my fat intake (though that sundae today would say otherwise), and I always try to get in a little exercise.
-- Get along with your parents: They are my best friends!
-- Play an instrument: Harmonica (I'm serious! I sat around and played it last night while my brother tweeked the Jaw Harp!), a little piano, a tiny bit of violin, the recorder (hah! EVERYONE that was ever in fifth grade can play that), and the voice, a complex instrument, indeed.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: I had a bit of a Peach Schnapps - God knows I don't do beer.
-- Smoked: Certainly not!
-- Done a drug: Birth control, I suppose.
-- Had Sex: I believe it's been about a month.
-- Made Out: Yes, I believe it's been about a month, as well.
-- Gone on a date: Yes!
-- Gone to the mall?: Just today! I bought the cutest panties.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Nope - we don't keep anything like that around the house.
-- Eaten sushi: No - the last time I did that, I puked it up on Mrs. Gniadek's porch. She was quite impressed.
-- Been on stage: Yes, I have! I sang a Tina Turner song.
-- Gone skating: I have not.
-- Made homemade cookies: I ate homemade cookies, but God knows I don't bake.
-- Gone skinny dipping: Alas, no.
-- Dyed your hair: Why would I? I might die my mother's tonight, though.

-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Does sex count? Oh, come to think of it...yes!
-- If so, was it mixed company: It was with John.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Now, really, would a lady do that? And if she would, would she tell you?
-- Been caught "doing something": Oooh, yes.
-- Been called a tease: All of Alpha Xi Delta has been called "teases."
-- Gotten beaten up: Ha! Who could take me?
-- Shoplifted: My father could show you bills that would prove I have never NOT paid for anything in my entire life.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Middle school, probably. Certainly no time that I can vividly remember - if you don't like me, tough enough.

-- Age you hope to be married: I can't put an age on my own readiness - life simply doesn't work so mathematically.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Two, I suppose. Boy names: Powell or Russell. Girl names: Nan or Natalie.
-- Describe your dream wedding: It would be in a cathedral in Norfolk on a beautiful fall day, with crisp winds and ringing bells. The reception would be at an old house in Ghent that hoasts receptions. It would be small, but quite beautiful.
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep, at peace with the world and with myself.
-- Where you want to go to college: Old Dominion University - I would have it no other way.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Public relations for a college, or an editor.
-- What place would you most like to visit: England!

LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? Deep brown or golden.
-- Best hair color? Brown! So natural, so fine!
-- Short or long? Short, my love. Keep 'em neat.

I suppose this ends it!

Current mood: amused
Current music: "Blue Skies" - Ella Fitzgerald
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003

3:09PM - Taking My Time On the Lonely Road

I picked up two books in the bookstore today, both of which are for my British Literature class - one is my favorite period piece of "Pride and Prejudice," and the other is "Woman in White." Interesting, indeed. I sat by a fine willow and read for a spell while the chilly air told of impending fall.

I suppose my favorite class this semester would have to be British Literature 302, a continuation from the Romantic period on. We spoke of William Blake, today, who happens to be my favorite figure of all time. Even better than Thomas Jefferson, if Lee Skluzak would believe that.

This day, though not long by any means, has thoroughly exhausted me. Time for a bit of reading and a slight nap.

Current mood: hopeful
Current music: "Green and Grey" - Virginia Coalition
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Tuesday, September 9, 2003

12:11AM - There Are So Many Thoughts in My Head

Unrest, to say the least.

I am not worried - I am not overly concerned.

Slight observations seem to pile up at an amazing rate, and make me marvel at the path my life has taken - the strange situations, the anger, the force of something unrecognizable. The wonder, most certainly. The wish for something, perhaps, different, or for something to recognize as truth. Truth, to be beauty.

I sat on my bench today, wondering where the world was spinning off to, feeling the sunlight through the trees with eyes closed. Every word is nonsense, but I understand them all.

To grow, to live. To be.

Ah, but to sleep is to dream.

Current mood: thoughtfully sleepy
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Tuesday, September 2, 2003

10:17PM - "If It's Fresher Than Our Products, It Hasn't Been Picked Yet"

Quite a while it has been indeed since last I wrote, but things have been busy around ODU, especially within Alpha Xi Delta. So far, Recording Secretary has been good for me, though perhaps I shall knock on this desk of processed tree carcass.

I have written a song for the purpose of the Recruitment Skit, which shall be SUPERB. HAHA! Sweet victory in the form of musical entertainment.

A mystery caller has given my cell phone a ring, but I haven't a clue who it might be.

Fragments, fragments.

Current mood: slumbery
Current music: my cell phone ringing "Menuet"
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Sunday, August 31, 2003


"Hey, baby, why you trying to keep away for so long?
I stopped feeling good
Somehow, I just knew I would
Guess I'll sleep another hour

Feels like I'm wasting my time
Hanging on the same old line...
There's nothing left for me to find
And all the more I want
All the more I need
All the while you want something more..."

I could scream at everything. If you know me, you know why. You know perfectly well why.

Jen and I drove past some morons on motorcycles not forty minutes ago, who kept looking back at the oncoming traffic. We couldn't figure out why they were doing it. She said, "I'm going to drive past these guys - they look dangerous." Then, we saw that one of them had a gun. I was right next to the one who had it. Motherfucker.

Current mood: pissed off
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"Hey, baby, why you trying to keep away for so long?
I stopped feeling good
Somehow, I just knew I would
Guess I'll sleep another hour

Feels like I'm wasting my time
Hanging on the same old line...
There's nothing left for me to find
And all the more I want
All the more I need
All the while you want something more..."

I could scream at everything. If you know me, you know why. You know perfectly well why.

Jen and I drove past some morons on motorcycles not forty minutes ago, who kept looking back at the oncoming traffic. We couldn't figure out why they were doing it. She said, "I'm going to drive past these guys - they look dangerous." Then, we saw that one of them had a gun. I was right next to the one who had it. Motherfucker.

Current mood: pissed off
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Monday, August 25, 2003

9:49AM - I Was Only Funning - But, Secretly, I Thought You Had It Coming

Sitting on a couch at Webb Center, I watched the passersby wander past the lobby, and enjoyed looking at all of the new faces. I was dismayed, however, to see Tyler Ricardo in the hall of my precious school. Didn't he drop off the face of the earth, or into military school? I must insist that ODU be more scrupulous of the people that are let in to this fine institution.

Norfolk was, of course, Norfolk today at nine in the morning, refusing to let traffic budge a single inch. It was enough to make me late for my astronomy lab, which really put me into a frantic stress. I ran down the hallway, mowing over old ladies who were foolish enough to be in the Oceanography and Physics building at the same time that I was. Making a daring flying leap into the pathway of room 144, I suddenly met with a sign on the door that said: LABS WILL START THE WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 1. Damnation.

I am happy to be starting a new chapter away from everyone else, I suppose. I love being with friends, and especially old friends at that, but I need a little breathing space to thrive. I am quite excited about finding out whether I got the student public relations director job at the Women's Center, but even if I didn't, I think I'll be just fine. I have decided to put it into God's hands, and let it out of mine. I cannot control who applied or what they were looking for, but I did show them the best that I had to offer.

I'm hoping that my astronomy class today is interesting. I chose it for the sole reason that it meets in the planetarium, and I loved going there as a child. I've never been to the one on campus, but it always intrigued me. I bet Allison Watts felt the same way about the planetarium as I did...she just seems like she would.

I hope Emily Jiles is doing alright.

In other news: mom has had some swelling in her leg where they took the artery out, and it's making me nervous. I just hope it doesn't mean anything.

There has been speculation that my grandmother is going mentally insane, and it makes me worried. My great-grandmother had the same thing happen to her - as she got older, she would scream out innappropriate things in public (frequently using the word "pussy"), and became increasingly hostile to strangers. My mother seems to have broken the pattern that has supposedly gone on for generations, but I still fear that perhaps things will not turn out as tidy as I hope. Think of how absurd it sounds for an old woman to start having a dirty mind, and to talk loudly of anything she can think of that is halfway related. My grandmother started giving us a lecture on how men who were over 6 feet tall were rough in bed at the family picnic, and while it was funny, it just seemed so frightening that perhaps it means that something is wrong with her. She offered to come to my sorority to talk to my sisters about sex. She's always been dirty, but is this a sign of something more?

The first day of school is such fun, even with all of this tugging at me. Womens Studies awaits!

Current mood: busy
Current music: "Vienna Waits" is in my head
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Friday, August 22, 2003

11:28AM - Think Of Me Fondly When We've Said Goodbye

These days are strange, indeed.

I went with Natalie to run errands yesterday before she left. It felt like just another warm summer day, where we would run from store to store, trying to find various and sundry items. We ate at the Baker's Crust, and aside from a woman who insisted on putting her purse on top of Natalie at all times, it was simply lovely.

Actually LEAVING Chesapeake was another story. Natalie knows what I mean.

And this is my last day with John. Sad, indeed. I find it hard to let go so quickly, though I suppose it's my fault for not really thinking about the impending departure until the last minute. Is it better to ignore it and feel glum all at once? Or is it better to slowly weed out the depressing emotions?

In all of this, I am pleased that I have built something to go back to once school starts. I have quite a busy time ahead of me, all starting tomorrow with Alpha Xi Delta stuff...even better, I was offered a position on the executive board, since Emily is leaving. I feel accomplished, to say the least. My job will be that of Recording Secretary, and while this is a wonderful thing, I hope I can do everything that I set out to do. My job will entail making sure everyone attends meetings and functions (you must go to at least 80% of everything), and if these requirements are not met, you must put the sister on probation.

John is here. More later.

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Friday, August 15, 2003

9:12PM - "I Was Only Funnin' - But Secretly I Thought You Had It Coming"

My bed has been successfully moved, thankyouverymuch.

My Lord, isn't school coming up quickly?

So, here's a quick little tidbit that has been bothering me for a little while. Not too long ago, I learned that a friend of mine intentionally tried to make me angry - for kicks, I suppose. I tried to ignore it, but it has not quite settled with me. It hurts, really. I can't possibly see why they would do this, but instead of rolling my eyes heavenward like a tortured saint, I will attempt to accept that perhaps something is horribly awry in their life, to the point where unecessary cruelty to others seems completely acceptable.

My mom and I have decided to watch "Revenge of the Nerds" on Sunday; it happens to be her idea of a cinematic classic.

"If you go to war over religion, you're just killing people over who has the better imaginary friend." DAMN.

John and I went to Plaza Azteca today, and it was wonderful. I enjoyed it ever so much, though I'm rather full. Time to watch a little "Gone With the Wind."

Current mood: relaxed
Current music: "Another One Bites the Dust" - Queen
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Friday, August 1, 2003

9:52PM - I'm Lifting Up, And Rising Free

While making copies of middle school SOL scores at my job at Oscar Smith, I read a post above the copier entitled "Words of Wisdom." It said that when you focus on getting "there" instead of enjoying "here," something is wrong. I suppose that's why I was such a nervous wreck at the beginning of Freshman year; I was ready to graduate and get married. I've learned, thank God, to slow down and enjoy "here." I like where I am right now, and I've decided to put off "there" for a long time. I don't even know what "there" is anymore, and I believe it's a wise decision to keep it that way.

That being said, I am a little dismayed over the increase of people who have decided that they are ready for "there" more than their present life. As my mother and I were walking in the mall the other day, I made a remark to the extent of, "I don't understand why everyone is all of a sudden getting married."

"It all happens at once; people will all of a sudden get married, and you'll feel as though you're next. It's scary."


On a lighter note, I visited Sarah Speight tonight to work on our sorority Powerpoint presentation. After we cussed at her moniter for not working, we went downstairs and watched young woman tell Ricky Lake that they were displeased with the sexual performances of their mates. I believe the title was, "I Ain't Gettin' No Satisfaction!"

Patrick asked me if I had ever had an orgasm. I suppose I don't look it, really.

Sarah and her house always make me feel welcomed; they have always invited me everywhere they go, and it really makes me feel attached to all of them. There's always a sense of respect and fun, and it's such a strange occurance within the scheme of things - how can six people love each other for their faults and strengths so much? I hope my roommates are as wonderful as they are.

I have fallen passionately in love with the idea of watching the water on a cloudy day by St. Luke's Cathedral, and I shall have to do so soon.

Current mood: dreamy
Current music: "Copperline" - James Taylor
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Monday, July 28, 2003

1:16AM - "Surprise, Senorita!"

Sarah, Patrick, Nik, Joey, Leisha, Rachel, Natalie, and I celebrated my (early) birthday tonight with a fine trip to Plaza Azteca! If you've never been inside, it strikes you as simply incredible - an atmosphere of something right. It used to be Spaghetti Warehouse, and my father took me all the time as a child. It reminds me a lot of him, which made me a little wistful, though I couldn't quite tell you why. I suppose it has much to do with me growing up more than I thought I would.

I ordered an amazing fajita, and as I was resting after the meal, I talked to my darling friends about possibly having Founder's Day at Plaza Azteca. Suddenly, fire was thrust into my face, and I screamed as I realized that a birthday flan was being presented to me by the waitress.

"Oh, my!" I gasped.

"Oh...surprise!" said the waitress. She and her male co-worker started to sing half-heartedly, obviously embarassed at being the only ones engaged in the singing tradition. Everyone joined in, and through the throngs of voices, I heard the waitress, who was, of course, ignorant to what my name is, say, "Happy Birthday...fajita...."

We passed the flan around, and it was quite good, though the texture resembles jelled vomit.

I pretended to be halfway embarassed about having such a fuss made about me, but in my heart, I was thrilled beyond words to be the center of attention in the middle of a crowded Mexican restraunt. Hoorah!

Nineteen. Seems old - more like seventy-nine. Why could I never have a youthful youth? It was always as though I was an old woman stuck in a sexy, irresistable body. Damn these breasts of mine. They scream, "YOUTH!" while my mind screams, "DAMN WHIPPERSNAPPERS!"

July 30 is going to be big. I can feel it.

Current mood: ecstatic
Current music: "Hey, Sandy" - Polaris (Pete and Pete theme)
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Friday, July 25, 2003

10:46PM - "Yo-ho, Yo-ho, a Pirate's Life For Me!"

You want to knock boots with Jack Sparrow. Call him
Captain and he'll give you a ride on his
vessel. You love it anyway that you can get it
and guys who know how to accessorize really
turn you on. From his beads to his eyeliner
this boy knows what it is about. Never a dull
moment. Fancy a quickie in jail? He's your man.
So grab some rum, a set of shackles, and your
ankles, because you are in for a seriously
storm tossed ride.

Whose booty would you most like to plunder from Pirates of the Caribbean?
brought to you by Quizilla

Johnny, don't you have a pirate hat somewhere...?

Current mood: amused
Current music: "Dick Van Dyke Show" theme song
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Thursday, July 24, 2003

8:30PM - Yeah, Life Throws You Curves, But You Learn to Swerve

I have that feeling that something good is going to happen, and it thrills me! This has been a horribly stressful week, but it's over now...and something good will come of it all. Eh, really, it's not the worst job in the world. I just file and do stickers and mail schedules all day, but at least I have time to really think. I have the best daydreams whilst waiting for transcripts to go through in the copy machine. I've planned many, many things in that span of time. Last summer, I filed and worried about the pending college year. But not anymore. I'm ready, baby.

And, yet, what changes are brought by the fall. John and I will no longer see each other all the time, and no more shopping trips with Natalie. Sad. But we survived one year, and we can certainly survive another one. I have so much energy, and I'm ready to work my ass off this year. It's my goal to stay on the Dean's List for the rest of my college career.

Sarah Speight has me addicted to country music.

Speaking of which, Sarah's birthday dinner at Olive Garden was quite fun. A group of us went to Olive Garden, and had a grand old time! While driving back in the car, Sarah Speight affectionally exclaimed, "There should be a HUNDRED Laura Watkinses!"

Joey offered back, "That would be a lot of cleavage."

Hmm. Perhaps I shouldn't push the girls up so high next time.

Current mood: eager, baby!
Current music: "These Days" - Rascall Flats
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Saturday, July 19, 2003

9:11PM - There is Always One More Time

I've already told Natalie this, but I think it can be shared with my readers.

Mrs. Gniadek sat John down the other day and said with all seriousness, "As your mother, I have the right to know: are you having sex with Laura?"

Now, if I had been in this situation, I would have thrown my head back with a little laugh, crossed my legs casually, and leaned forward to say, "Oh, Mom. Please. Must we?" Then, I would have walked away to fix myself a lemon spritzer, shaking my head all the way. However, I am not John. John, having always been a man of extreme suaveness, casually blurted out, "!"

And what then, you may ask? What then, for my sexual nature had been shed to a woman who had birthed my sexual partner, had weened him, trained him, fed him, rubbed his tiny back until he fell asleep, had whispered sweet lullabyes to him in his darkened room, which was filled with tiny stuffed lambs. And what was I? The white devil slut that prodded him with the pitchfork of lust until he succomed to my evil wishes.

She explained, like a caring mother, that while she did not approve of eighteen-year-olds having sex, she accepted it, and cautioned us to be very careful. Then, she shared her ancient Korean wisdom. "DO NOT FLUSH CONDOMS DOWN TOLIET!" she warned, "THAT IS HOW NEIGHBOR WAS CAUGHT NEXT DOOR!"

While it is uncomfortable that a mother knows this much about us, it seemed as though she had done no harm in telling her son to be safe when practicing extremely adult acts.

Until she suggested we tell my parents.

DO WHAT?! Now, my mother is no fool - she has an eighteen-year-old daughter on birth control who has been dating her boyfriend for two years. We've joked about sex, we've danced around subject, but my mother has respected my privacy enough not to ask point-blank whether or not I've had sex. It's an unspoken rule.

And as for my father - he cried when I didn't go to the grocery store with him when I was twelve, claiming that I was growing up too quickly and didn't want to ride in the cart. I can only imagine.

Oh, she also decided to tell Mr. Gniadek, a staunch Catholic whose only words were, "You should have told us."

But think of the difference of sexuality between the two families. John's father supposedly lost his virginity when he was a Junior in college; my father was FOURTEEN. Sex is never discussed in John's family, and my mother grabs my father's penis and yells, "WOOOOOOO, Honey!" in front of Natalie and me. Sex has never been a big deal in my family, and I feel as though I don't have to hide myself as long as I'm respecting my family.

And my next question is, why is sex such a THING? I suppose pregnancy plays into it, but it's just an act of sharing bodies, and if done responsibly, can be a beautiful thing. It's about trust, security, spirituality, and love. It's of no business to anyone else what I do with my body, as long as I'm being safe. It seems almost a slap in the face that my privacy has been invaided, and frankly, I've never been one to hide much from the world. I do feel as though my sexual life is mine and mine only to share, and to talk about. Why should I be looked down upon for having a sexual nature, a sexual life, a sexual spirituality?

Mrs. Gniadek, step off.

And never flush your condoms down the toliet.

Current mood: infuriated
Current music: "Bowfinger" and Natalie talking in the background
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Saturday, July 12, 2003

6:48PM - Screwing With the Mail is a Federal Offense, Buster!

There are too many names in this world that I find to be absolute atrocious, all for the simple reason that someone with one of these names plucked my last nerve, said something nasty, or forced me to exercise my executive powers as President of the Hickory High School Chorus when they decided that they were going to work on their Geometry homework while I played the Clavinova, sweat pouring from my brow, hoping, praying that I was playing each part correctly. This is why I'm going to have to name my child Moon Weasel - I have, as of now, never wanted to wring the lowly neck of someone who happened to have this name.

I might be going to a leadership conference on August 3 and 4 for Alpha Xi Delta, and I wonder how it might go. The place of "leader" is such a strange place to be. There is always someone who has something to say about the job you're doing, or how you dress like a fifty-year-old woman (or, perhaps, this is just me). It's a tremendously stressful job, and I can recall many situations where "friends" put me in places that I yearned to never be in. Anchor Club is one of these - how could I make anyone come to a meeting when they've made up their own selfish mind not to come? I worry about the amount I may have to carry, and I wonder if I am responsible for the will of others. Naturally, I am not responsible for the actions that others carry out, but I AM responsible for setting the tone.

I may be in a wedding come a BRIDESMAID. What? Where did that come from?

Ah, it's one of those irritational days. It's a day where I don't feel like being cool towards others, nor do I feel the personal duty of preserving the feelings of others, which is why I have mostly chosen to remain inside. No one has seemed to escape my wrath, and I'll be glad when it passes.

Getting right down to it, I think I'm a little irritated that everything that happens to someone else seems to be my fault. I somehow have the cosmic powers to make everyone miserable just by being. If I hear one more moody person tell me how horrible their life is and how I'm making it worse, I will personally beat the living hell out of them and their favorite grandmother.

Grrrrrrrrrr. TAKE THAT.

Current mood: irritated
Current music: "Dave's World" is on TV
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Friday, July 11, 2003

12:06PM - "I've GOT to hang with rappers!"

Quite a busy time it has been! We have welcomed a new member into the family - a black kitten named Gus. He is currently playing with his feather ball downstairs, and has proved to be a bit of a cuddler when he settles down. We fell asleep watching "The Golden Girls" together.

John and I had a fine time at Busch Gardens the other day, though it did rain. It is my goal to ride a rollercoaster at night, and I shall before the summer is over! Does anyone else have a season pass?

Daddy shall return from Venice on Monday, and he has supposedly bought me two Venician wrap dresses (one size fits all...oh, my!) and a necklace or two. He's been e-mailing us about the great deals that he gets if he buys in bulk.

May I simply say that the gynocologist is not so comfortable? My gyno told me that she still considers herself "The Abstinence Queen," but supports my decision to be sexually active. Ahaha. She's really nice about me being in pain during the exam, and I think all my ladies in Readerland know the stress that comes with it at times. It ain't no thang, really, but there's something funny about talking to someone about my interest in British Literature while their fingers are wedged within my vagina.

My mother and I have been having confident conversations about vaginas recently.

I miss my Daddy. He took pictures of people on the nude Italian beaches, and wrote to tell me that he took pictures of people with armpit hair for me. Thanks. Typical American tourist, but you have to love him.

Time for a nap, I suppose.

Current mood: exhausted
Current music: "Big Time Operator" - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
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Sunday, June 29, 2003

1:54PM - "Meine GUTE, Berndt!"

My aunt recently became a pastor, and the whole family went to see her today for her first sermon. Picture the setting: a rural, white, wooden church, and oak trees surrounding the property, offering shade to passersby. One woman came up to us and said that she knew we were visitors, because, "No one EVER sits on the front pew." All in all, it was lovely, and I hope to have my aunt perform my marriage ceremony when the time comes.

My step-grandfather, I suppose you would say, gave me about ten of Nana's old scarves, and a few of them are actually quite lovely. In her sermon, my aunt talked about how Nana said a prayer aloud before she died, which sounds like a romantic version of death. I don't know whether or not it's true, but I suppose a pastor wouldn't have the nerve to lie to her new congregation, eh? Anyhow, supposedly Nana repented for all of her sins. Cleaning out a few things from her lake house, I saw a few sins that I hadn't realized were so prevalent: there had to be about thirty liquor bottles decorating her home, all of which she had saved. I had heard that before I was born, she would always be drunk when visitors came over. Talk about your Ya-Ya sisterhood.

But that is, of course, over and done with now.

I take Daddy to the airport tomorrow. He promised to bring me back "something Italian, but not tacky." Mom suggested a man, but then remembered how tacky they can indeed be. "They just look so...slimy," she sniffed. "With their pointed shoes."

I told Mom that we were going to make T-shirts that say "MOM AND LAURA'S SUMMER O' FUN 2003," and also make daquaries to drink outside. We have decided to make a pilgrimage, like all faithful shoppers, to MacArthur Mall for a shopping spree. "The rule is," she said. "You have to get at least one thing." She reminded Pop that though she may be losing a husband for two weeks, she will be gaining four or five pairs of new shoes.

I bought shoes from Randy Chu yesterday. He looked at me with dismay when I told him that I was getting too old to be bending over to try shoes on.

Ahh - I move my bead quite soon. I'll be aquiring a bed with large bedposts, a sure sign of my womanhood.

Nap, anyone?

Current mood: hot
Current music: "The River Runs Low Tonight" - Bruce Hornsby
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Friday, June 27, 2003

10:39PM - "Sounds Like He's Full of Cheese Poofs." - Daddy

I feel ridiculously strange. Mom and I were sitting in the living room tonight listening to the James Taylor CD, and there was a certain degree of uncertainty in the air. Daddy is going to Venice on Monday, and I worry about it. My father is going to be in another country for two weeks - am I ready to handle that? I feel a mother watching her child go off for the first time into a big world, and I can't protect him. I wonder why I feel as though I can protect my father, anyhow.

I sat organizing files in my mother's office today at Oscar Smith Middle School, and looked up at the board over her desk. On it was something I had written in second grade on what I would do if I were President of the United States. I said that I would give the poor money, "not allow anything that would kill you," give the poor houses, and taxes would be only 15 dollars per person (I think I wrote this because my father was telling me about taxes one fine day, that day in a child's life when they learn about the economy that wraps around us like a governmental anaconda, squeezing every last dime from our weary fingers). I also said that you could take a trip to New York for $5 and 5 cents. I had great plans for this country.

Off to bed, I suppose. Another day awaits me!

Current mood: awake
Current music: "Sweet Home Alabama" - L.S.
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