*Fuck me, Like you, Want me*

The Bigger, The Better:

12:38 am.

ROCKERZERO68 (12:31:41 AM): take it one step at a time
ROCKERZERO68 (12:31:53 AM): 1)end this charade with adrian
ROCKERZERO68 (12:32:38 AM): 2)look for positive attributes in someone you may want to get together with
ROCKERZERO68 (12:33:03 AM): 3)dont be afraid-there'll always be someone there for you
ll sh i v er ll (12:33:27 AM): i dont know..i dont want to lose adrian..but i dont think hes willing to do anything about it
ROCKERZERO68 (12:33:55 AM): why?
ROCKERZERO68 (12:34:09 AM): i can't figure this out
ROCKERZERO68 (12:34:24 AM): a lot of girls do this
ROCKERZERO68 (12:34:31 AM): alana did this
ll sh i v er ll (12:34:34 AM): because we've gotten into the whole affection argument hundreds of times..and nothing ever happens
ROCKERZERO68 (12:34:49 AM): make something happen
ROCKERZERO68 (12:34:54 AM): tell him
ROCKERZERO68 (12:35:12 AM): "if you dont start to treat me better............"
ll sh i v er ll (12:35:15 AM): this is why we broke up..and he promised me he was going to change..thats why i went back to him..he did..for 2 weeks..
ROCKERZERO68 (12:35:16 AM): "im gone"
ROCKERZERO68 (12:35:32 AM): do it again and dont look back
ROCKERZERO68 (12:35:52 AM): do u have any idea how hard it is to change ppl?
ROCKERZERO68 (12:36:05 AM): practically impossible
ROCKERZERO68 (12:36:14 AM): doont waste any more time
ll sh i v er ll (12:36:33 AM): we'll see how he reacts to this email..
ROCKERZERO68 (12:36:44 AM): what email?
ROCKERZERO68 (12:37:01 AM): the one you sent a little while ago?
ll sh i v er ll (12:37:03 AM): yea
ROCKERZERO68 (12:37:13 AM): we'll see
ROCKERZERO68 (12:37:23 AM): coming from me.............
ROCKERZERO68 (12:37:28 AM): between us...........
ROCKERZERO68 (12:37:40 AM): he's not going to change
ROCKERZERO68 (12:37:58 AM): ive known him for 8 years

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

The Bigger, The Better:

8:19 pm.

i'm thinking about breaking up with adrian..

i like the kid that lives behind me...why the hell do i like people who do drugs?

i dont know what it is lately..but adrian and me just havent been getting along...at all...i might just see if we can take a break or something.

i'm sure i'll piss him off.

i want something new. i want something that makes me feel good.

and i found that in something i shouldn't find it in..

slipping back into my old ways i guess you could say.

when i get my paycheck..i'll have to talk to steven about getting some...stuff.

he picked me up during a fire drill at school, and it tickled and i squirmed, and now my chest hurts. i think i pinched a nerve or something?

my birthday is coming up. 2 months. yay.

not really. my birthday is going to be miserable.

theres something that really bothers me..

when you make a promise to someone...fucking keep it.

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	when you hurt, i hurt too
The Bigger, The Better:	12:42 am.
Mood:	lonely.

well, i got black shoes for work..now i have to buy a few pairs of black pants, and i'll be set.

i'm not really in a good mood tonight. i'm scared half to death because of that god damn movie "the ring" and i havent slept..really slept in almost a week now. tomorrow will be "seven days" and i wanted to stay the night with adrian, but then we'll have no way of getting to school, so bsiaclly, hes going to try to stay here. it seems like he really doesnt want to. and i dont know if i really want him to,...to be honest..because thats less money i'm going to get from tricia..money i really really need right now to pay for the shirt i ordered...and to buy my pants, and stuff for these god forsaken projects.

i wish chris would get online. i really wanted to talk to him. i'm sure he would make me feel better..he always does...bah

i'm such a fucking loser.

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	meh
The Bigger, The Better:	4:37 pm.

i'm kinda pissed..but at the same time, i'm kinda hurt.

on adrians journal, all he writes about are his weekends with jon, and when me and him fight. i dont think i've read anything about me that was good. he never seems happy that hes spending time with me.

for instance, i spent 3 days with him...he didnt write anything about it, but he wrote about how jon is going there for 420. nah, it doesnt seem like weed comes before me at all.

he says hes tired of being with jon all the time..then why is he constantly with him?
he says hes happy going out with me, then why doesnt he act it?

he was supposed to come over today. he promised me he was going to...he was going to call me when jon left, so he could come here... its now 4:40pm, jon is still there, adrian never called me.

i dont know anymore. i wish i felt like he liked me.

Broken People: 3 In repair ; I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	i'm so..weird..
The Bigger, The Better:	8:44 pm.
Mood:	melancholy.

i keep having dreams that i'm going out with jon..i dont understand them.

thursday night, i had a dream that i was at school..but i was the only person there..it was dark outside..like the sky was a deep deep blue. it was so beautiful. well, jon pulled up to the school in a black car. the color black stands out to me the entire time in this dream. his hair was black...his jacket was black and gray..the car was black..the inside of the car was gray. i put my stuff in the back seat, and i sat in the passenger side of the car. jon began to drive away. we were talking, but i wasnt able to hear anything. suddenly, i was driving. i was the one behind the wheel. the dream has a melancholy feel to it..its like a sad old movie, with no words..just music. well, i had my hand on the gear thingy..and jon put his hand on mine. and he held my hand really lightly, and he gently rubbed the sides of my fingers. i wasnt driving anymore at this point, but we were still in the car. the car was moving by itself, but i didnt realize this..the windows were tinted. jon was hlding my right hand with his left hand at first, but then he was holding it with both hands..and i remember just looking at my hand while he was holding it. i can remember feeling his hand on my hand, and i remember feeling the embrace. it was one of those dreams where i really thought it was happening. i dont remember when, or why, or how i got out of hte car..but i remember jon letting go of my hand..and i remember standing outside of the car, and not being able to see in it..and watching him drive away.

ever since i woke up..i have this really lonely feeling inside of me..like i'm longing for something that i cant have. i dont know anymore. i really dont know anymore, nor do i care at this point

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	a very shitty night, turns to a very good day
The Bigger, The Better:	11:09 pm.
Mood:	thirsty.
Music:	lovesong- SRC.

all last night was nothing but fighting with adrian. it was the same thing we always fight about. no hand holding, no hugs, no affection, blah blah blah. he said that theres nothing he can do about it. and he asked me what i wanted him to do, and i said "keep your promises" and he hung up on me. i didnt care. i started to go to sleep. he called me back 20 minutes later. he said sory, but there was nothing he could do. i repeated what i said earlier, and i got hung up on again. i was pretty pissed now. everytime he said sorry, it sounded so insincere..it made me want to hit him. so, i called him back, and i said "explain to me, why exactly you write a note to me, saying how much you wanted to go back out with me, loved me, and wanted to be affectionate with me, and then you dont do it, when you have me back? because i gave up 2 really good people to go back out with you, and i'm starting to think it wasnt worth it." and he got pissed, but didnt hang up on me. it ended with me crying, and we agreed that we could hug, but he still wont hold hands. he said he doesnt feel comfortable doing that. i'm getting hugs out of the deal..so its okay.

i woke up at 6am, got ready for school..i was ready at 7..so i got to sit around for like 45 minutes. i got to school, and jon and adrian both said they liked my hair. brandon said he liked it, and that it looked really good. first period, was boring. second period, was fun as hell. i wrote "warren loves shaenice" all over him. and i used him as a foot stool while me and christina talked about sex changes. is a girl able to ejaculate if she has a sex change? and what exactly is coming out if she can? third period, we didnt do much..just notes. god i hate notes. fourth, i had to listen to kelseys boring ass stories about work. i really hate them. then we had to go back to second period, because of the extended days we have. so, in there, i took the scarlet pimpernel test. i'm the only one in the class who made an a. i feel so special.

after school, me and adrian went back to his house. okay, i think i might have told jenna about the sharp pains i've been getting, but yea..whenever i extend my right leg, i get these really sharp pains on the lower right hand side of my stomach..down towards my crotch though. its really weird, and it hurts really bad. its been like that on and off for about 2-3 days. at adrians house, we.....yea....and the pain afterwards was so horrible, and the pain was on my back too. it was like someone was stabbing me, front to back. gah it hurt like hell. we eventually fell asleep together, and we didnt wake up until my mom got there..which sucks..but hes coming here thursday, and i'm going there friday, so its alright.

my day has been pretty good. i even got hugs from adrian during the day. i was happy.
nothing interesting happened..so yea.
i hate this one girl. and its great, because i dont even know her. but i hate her.

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	decentishness
The Bigger, The Better:	8:33 pm.
Mood:	bouncy.

yesterday, before i went to babysit, adrian called me. this is how our comversation went:
him: "hey...are you mad at me?"
me: "no"
him: "promise?"
me: "i'm not mad..just upset"
him: "why?"
me: "because friday was supposed to have been spent with me, not jon"
him: "i'm really sorry.."
me: "yea, me too"
him: "i really miss you"
me: "yea, i miss you too. i was kinda looking forward to seeing you this weekend. but i have to go babysit now."
him: "can i call later?"
me: "yea"
him: "i love you..."
me: "i love you too"
him: "i love you.."
me: "i love you too"
him: "i really really love you"

and it went on like that for about 8 minutes. and he wouldnt get off the phone. it made me happy. he was being really sweet. so i babysat from 9pm till 1am. i got $40. $20 goes to adrian for paying the phone bill for me..and the other $20, i spent already..damn it.
today, i went to jennas. it was greatness. she needs to come back to sun valley. i miss her a lot.

i have to clean my room tonight, because adrian is coming here tomorrow after school, again on thursday..and then i'm supposed to stay the night with him on friday..and saturday, i'm going to see if jenna can stay the night here, and me, her, steve, and adrian are going to go to the movies. i asked adrian if he would go, and this was his responce:
"i dont think it would be a good idea, but i'll go" and i asked why, and he said "because i'm sure steve is more affectionate towards jenna than i am towards you..and you're going to get sad"

yea, probably. but oh well. maybe seeing how another guy treats his gf will make him realize that its not that big of a deal.

jenna has a blurty. GOOD WORK. (whore)

er..

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	as a fuck son, you sucked.
The Bigger, The Better:	7:43 pm.

today..i'm in a really bad mood. jon and adrian have been hanging out with arwyn, which really pisses me off..they can hang out with someone who talked shit about them..but they never ask me to do anything with them. i cant wait till i get my license. if they think i'm going to be their fucking ride everywhere, and do stuff with them, since i'll be able to drive..well, they're wrong.
i downloaded "the shooting star that destroyed us all" by a static lullaby that chris let me listen to when i called him. i like it.
today, i highlighted my hair. it looks somewhat weird, since i basically have blonde/orange hair. but, i guess it looks okay.
i want to cut my hair..but then again..i dont. meh, i dont know. i want to, because it looks like shit. its at that retarded length..but, its almost long enough to put up. meh. i dont know.

i'm in a really crappy mood.

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

Bang, Bang, Bang:	my day
The Bigger, The Better:	10:57 pm.
Mood:	disappointed.

i woke up this morning, once again at 7:30. i had just enough time to wet my hair, blow-dry it, and put atleast a little makeup on. i got to school, and jon and adrian were not there yet. i did my vocabulary, and then adrian came up behind me, and asked what iw as doing. "vocab" i replied. we sat there in silence for a while, and i showed jon and adrian my pretty journal (deadjournal), and they said "...wow" really sarcastically. then adrian asked who helped me. i said steven. he said "oh." we sat there, and i was so tired. i put my head up against the wall and closed my eyes. i couldnt sleep though, because adrian wouldn't quit singing 50 cent while poking me in the left side.
first period, was alright. brandon stillwells hair looks really good. he forgot my belt once again..but he said he'll remember it tomorrow. i doubt it though. i cant wear my black pants without a belt. they fall off.
second period, it was okay. i didnt pay attention when i probably should have. ah well.
third, ms brooks freaked out on ryan. he gets on my nerves. hes just really rude to her all the time. and maybe that bothers me because i'm attached to ms brooks (as a teacher)..i think shes just an incredible woman and i love her to death. but who knows. i have to pick my favorite american, and make a tombstone for them.
fourth, i got along really good with mrs lopez. i learned something today. i'm proud.

after school, adrian came over. we were laying in bed, then his mom called. she had to get him at 6:30. so, we layed in bed some more..then after a little while, he layed his head on my chest, and we fell asleep. i didnt wake up until 7:55, when jay came in my room asking if i could "talk to jon" for him in school tomorrow. (my dad buys from jon now) so, i didnt get to say bye to adrian.

tomorrow, i'm staying the night by adrians house. i'm sure it'll be like every time i stay the night there..we sit in the living room for hours, watching tv. then we go to his room, and he plays a video game while i read, then we get ready for bed, and he gives me melatonin to make me tired..and i ask him to cuddle, and he doesnt. fun fun fun.

in spanish today, we had a discussion about when david cook hit me in the face last year.

mrs lopez telling the story

esola and cook were talking about something with brinkley that i cant repeat en la clase*stares at me*..and esola and david disagreed on something, and he *hand motions a punch* hit her in the face! so, esola got up out of her desk, grabbed david by the shirt collar, and she PUNCHED *hand motions* him back, but harder.

Broken People: I'll fix you from the start..

»iŠ Thê®ë AñÿbÕd¥ Thê®ë?« is there anybody there?

Bang: Me.
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