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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
9:31 pm - LINKIN PARK 2MORROE(hopefullie)

tomorrow i might be able to go see my favorite band in the world and get thier new book, damn dude hopefullie, but i really wanna bust a mission! this time i want to include my homey Brian and my renegade group into the mix however!!

sometimes yea i do consider us to be some kind of renegades becaue of how crazy we can be but ya never knoe!

anyways i want brian, sandra, chris, charles, and robby to go w/me cause this sounds like a bomb event and we all luv Linkin Park and it'd be tight if all of us can meet them tomorrow night! either way i'm still going to see my favorite band tomorrow night no matter wut dude! FUCK YEAH!!! im excited about this shit!


current mood: ecstatic
current music: Linkin Park & Jay Z-Big Pimpin'/Papercut

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Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
8:08 pm - FUCK
things have taken many turns for the worst.......and it's all because of me!

I've lost my girlfriend,

I'm leaving Mission Hills,

I'm pissed off because I don't know what the FUCK I WANT,

I hate the fact that everything isn't going the way I wanted it to go!

sometimes I fuckin' wish that I knew what the fuck was next in my life!!! am i going to go out w/this really good girl? am I ready to tell the rest of the world to FUCK OFF!? what am I going to do about this certain situation of mine @ school??


current mood: pissed off
current music: Deftones-Pink Maggit

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Friday, October 8th, 2004
8:38 am - Confessing Many Voids/Urging For N.RA. Membership
people I wonder nowadays how come I'm such a fucked up person f'real...i hate the fact that nowadays i can't even tell MYSELF what the fuck is wrong w/me w/out knowing what's wrong.

right now i've been having these feelings for hatred and anger towards a lot of people....and these are towards people that are close to my heart. forgive me everyone for what i'm feeling but right now i need to know and ask myself some truths that are going to be just a little too extreme even for myself to mention.

i ask the following people some questions and I HOPE they have some answers for me because I really need them, so please bare w/me if i sound obnoxious, retarted, angry, or just upset at myself:

Chris I need to know,
did you really leave Tiffany?

would you for me and yourself just take a paternity test to prove whether or not your Nessa's father?

when are you going to come back to hanging out w/us w/Deejay?

how come you won't call us when we need you?

what do you truly feel right now for your friends and family?

those are my questions for Mike Shinoda aka I have to ask my own best friends some questions that I'm really just gonna fuckin' vent out because I can't hold in this rage anymore!!!

why won't get a job already dude?

why won't you let me help you w/this?

will you let me help you find a girlfriend that will be w/you?

why did you just leave me n Charles @ the plant w/out letting us know that you were gonna come back?

are you ever going to admit to yourself that Chris MIGHT come back?

why would you just give up so easily thinking that he won't come back?

now I have to ask some questions towards some people that its going to be very hard to even ask them!?!?!!!

why do you constanty persist to think that I'm going to do what you want me to do?

why is it such an issue for you to take control of my life and my money?

why can't you just leave me alone about my relationship problems w/Alexis?

why the fuck didn't you ever decide to be a father towards me?

why do you let your addiction to drugs take over you?

why can't you break that habit of smoking and just give it up completely?

when are you going to treat me like your son instead of as your associate?


now i have two people left to ask a couple questions before I finish this ranting and raving that is dwelling within my soul.

why can't we just live in peace w/each other right now?

will you still marry me?

can you forgive me for asking you these questions?

can you forgive me for all the fights and arguments we've been getting into?

will you help me out thru this situation that i'm going thru w/your parents?

will you still be there for all my faults and mistakes?

can you help me thru the issues that i'm going thru w/my friends, family and myself?

and now for the part that everyone in the movie has been waiting for....the internal conflict/face-off within myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why the fuck do you constantly question yourself about everything?

will you ever stand up to those people that hurt you?

can you really keep a peace within yourself?

can you actually try to cope w/the pain you go thru on a daily basis?

if you are really so suicidal, why haven't you killed yourself yet?!?!?!

why can't you just stop yelling @ Alexis?

when you have problems w/yourself, why do you take them out on the ones you love the most??

are you ever going to tell your parents the truth about most of your life already?

when are you going to admit to yourself that you are not as much of a loser are you think you are?

if i've annoyed, hurt, shocked, or just flat out pissed off anyone..well right now, you all know that i mean this whenever i say it towards someone but this time i don't mean to hurt you.......but if i have offended you well... guess what...

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm venting finally because this time I needed to vent out the questions that have been eating me up inside so badly cause it's just so hurting that i can't ever tell anyone how i really feel.

sometimes honestly there are those times when I wanna resolve all my problems w/sixteen bullets, a loaded barrel, and a pull of the trigger to let it blast thru my throat but then I have those urges to find a gun and just let it blast in the air shooting out my rage....and then there are those times i wanna roll up to my enemies and let 'em knoe my buddy will make you run for your life and right when i start shooting, he won't let you go less than three feet from me and my gun.....f'real!!!!

yes i got the urge to have a gun now but i'd rather fight my problems w/my words and what can i say now, but FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

my friends forgive me for what i will do to hurt you in the future, my enemies forgive me for getting to you last before someone else because eventually I'll hit you before anyone else, my baby girl I love you and i'm sorry for it all, my mom and dad please forgive me for all my mishaps and fuck ups and mischievous behavior and of course

GOD!!! forgive me for all the times i've completely FUCKED UP because I already knoe i have a seat next to lucifer reserved for my name and ass....but if you can look in your heart to forgive me then please keep a room waiting for me up there!!!

peace out now,

current mood: calm
current music: G Unit-My Buddy

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Thursday, October 7th, 2004
5:34 pm
people wonder why i'm so frustrated and hurt by anything.............but to tell you the truth, it's not that anything can hurt's what i've been feeling for 18 years straight is what is causing this hell!!!

i hate the fact that I had to have seen such things that were just too obscene and upsetting to the spleen......
(yes that's for all you fuckin' biters who wanna steal my shit)

i hate the fact that I have to think about hurting myself before making everything better again between old friends......


someone tell me wut can i do to change her heart and mind!!


current mood: depressed
current music: Eminem-Just Lose It

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Monday, September 27th, 2004
6:17 am - Nerve Play
who would've FUCKIN THOUGHT that'd I'd ever update this miserable crap ever again!!!!!!!!! well i have and I WILL!! anyways, FUCK EVERYTHING, FUCK EVERYBODY THAT DESERVES TO DIE, FUCK THE INCIDENTS THAT CAUSE ME TO WANNA DO SOMETHING STUPID!!!!!!!!

FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!! i miss my gf really badly right now.......i'm sick of arguing w/her and sick of not seeing her, i'mma get her up here already!!!!

btw...........i read ur blurty, I KNOW how you feel wen no one reads this piece of SHIT!!!! peace out bitches and assholes!!!



current mood: frustrated
current music: Korn-Let's Get This Party Started

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Monday, August 23rd, 2004
7:59 pm - FINALLY


that's it for now,peace

current mood: anxious
current music: Korn-No Way

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Monday, July 5th, 2004
6:33 pm - 2 Lt. Bottle + Screamin' Willy Powder= 4th of July Madness
wow, who would've thought i'd keep updating this piece of shit I call a blurty journal. Yes i'm only being ridiculous when I say that, I appreciate the creators and team of for creating this journal. I also thank the person that got me into having one of these, my gf, wut up Baby!! anyways, it's funny how things work in a couple of days, I can say that honestly this weekend has been a roller coaster in itself. it's all good cuz once I get off that roller coaster, I get that nauseaus feeling and the urge to release it in a heaping load of guts, adrenaline, and attitude. Lol, thats just who the FUCK I AM MUTHAFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, on Saturday, it was a slow day, woke up LATE as fuck, talked on the phone, my girl went to an A's vs. Giants game which is called, Battle of the Bay, when I think ours is called Battle of the Freeways, the Angels Vs. Dodgers, GO BLUE!!!!!!! anyways, talked on the phone, fucked around the house and then got showered n dressed for a lil pre-club action. I went to the arcade for the LAST time probably and then headed to mom's job to pick up the cellie I left in her car. Then afterwards, went home, got ready and headed to the "Florentine Gardens" in Hollywood. thank God i have friends that are older than me, cause if I didn't, I wouldn't know about any of this fun @ all. Afterwards, I got my shit together and headed to get my groove on. Once I stepped passed that velvet rope, it was what I wanted my life to be like. Just nothin but fun, music, dancin', and excitement. The only thing that was missin' was my wifey Lexi!!! damn I wish she was there w/me. Well, after that, I danced a couple dances, met some interestin' ppl, and then afterwards, around Roll Call, we headed for home. got cozy in bed and fell asleep for the remainder of the night.

I woke up LATE AGAIN, but I felt like shit, cuz the wifey n I had a bad discussion that involved break-up and break's n shit, damnit it sucked to have that convo. Afterwards, I got ready, n left 4 Greg's house. Once I got there, we talked and started fuckin' around w/fireworks early. When we set of those "fireworks" we made, lets just say I learned why u need adults to set that shit up!!! went to Jack N the Crack w/Greg n Manny, came back, set some more off, went home. talked to ali, kinda ruined her night cuz she wasn't havin' a good 4th of july night, but when she got home around 11, we had a LONG talk, that took all the way up to 1245 PM.

oh, something I found very interesting:
"I swear the whole atmosphere makes you wanna snuggle with that sum1 and look into the bright colorful skies and be amazed by it and it will just give you the strength to hold your partner closer and tighter and let them know that, that is how you feel everytime you are with her or him"

hmmmmm.........too bad you'll never have that feeling like I do, did, or STILL DO or always will.

yes I know I shouldn't be talkin shit about "HIM"(gavin) but then again, since when did he feel any remorse for me?!?!?!?! anyways, after that, I stayed up til 2 and then just clocked out at 5am exact.

I woke up today @ 11am, did laundry, cooked me lunch, welcomed mom home, and now, i'm online writing this and just listenin to music n readin' mail!!!

bouncin' 4 now,

ps: feeling "BLACK", not urging to vent vent VENT!!

don't care if i'm feeling "black", cuz it actually isn't a feeling, it's just a color and it can't really describe human emotion!!

PSS: damn i'm so hateful towards gavin right now aren't I? oh well!!

current mood: bored
current music: Limp Bizkit-Nobody Like You

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Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
10:06 am - Reflection's of My Life Thru Music
As everyone knoes, I'm a big Eminem/D12 Linkin Park fan right.......well it's true n so what!? everyone has a preference.....but then again I DO listen to other bands n rap groups n artists n shit. I'm lookin' thru all my CD's lately to see what lyrics can apply to my life.

In a way it's cool but then again, it's like everyone in this world, to really on a musician to lead thier life w/thier words. But then again, if it weren't for these same musicians, we wouldn't have developed our own morals and rules to live our lives by. So it's a win-win no-win situation.

So here are some lyrics that kinda have been describe how i've been feeling lately:

"Bitch keep talkin', keep on poppin' off @ them jaws because we ain't stoppin'/
we ain't got to prove shit to y'all, so all y'all can lick the balls 'n keep walkin//
keep on poppin that shit you poppin/ cause we ain't stoppin' cause you ain't
stoppin us,we ain't got to prove shit to y'all, so all y'all can lick the balls 'n
keep walkin'//" -D12 "Bitch Keep Talking"

this is in reguards of the band, we don't need anyone talkin' shit about us, let it just roll off our shoulders and walk away from it. Unless prevoked otherwise. We don't have to prove a goddamn thing to anyone anymore, who's left to impress actually?!? No matter who talks, they can't stop the six of us, when one of us is down, the 5 of us got your back!

Next lyric or lyrics of my reflections:
"I got some skeletons in my closet and I dunno if no one knows it/
so before they throw me inside my coffin' 'n close it, I'mma expose it//" -Eminem "Cleanin' Out My Closet"

yes there are times when I feel when I'm around my family, friends, Alexis, and people in general, I am shy or loud but it's only because well, here are my truths. I'm shy around my family friends n girlfriend because I'm afraid to tell people how I really am. I'm angry a lot, I'm hurting a lot within, and it kills me that I can't tell anyone how I really feel. I hate my mom for making my life the way it is, i mean I'm not an ungrateful motherfucker like some people say that I am, Michelle for example, but I wish I could've had some say in where I wanted my life to go. I'm upset @ my own dad for all the shit he's done to my mom, what a fuckin' faggit man, and for all that he could've done for me but never decided to do. my friends, I fuckin' hate myself for never telling you how I really feel, all those times when I say I'm ok, when I'm really not, I hate myself for that! Alexis, you've only seen one bit of my hatred and anger and maybe one day I'll be ready to let you know everything that involves my anger.

Lyrics, Lyrics, n more LYRICS:
"I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation/ there is so
much shit around me, such a lack of compassion//"- Korn "Make Me Bad"

sometimes I feel like the things around me just don't show any mercy or hope. I feel as if this world just has to be filled w/hurtful people. Some of those people just don't know how to show thier sensitivity. That's why sometimes I have to be the way that I am, quick tempered and have smart-ass tendencies. Yes, I have to sound like a smartass in order to defend myself. In this world, you need to be a smart-ass in order to out smart the world. So when I'm hurt by unknown people and when they show a lack of compassion, thats when you have to be an asshole to those assholes that are trying to snake you!

Part 4 of My Reflections:
"It's just one of those days, when you don't wanna wake-up,
everything is FUCKED, everybody sucks" -Limp Bizkit "Break Stuff"

yes there are those days where I just feel real shitty and just say whatever comes directly to mind. The way that works is if someone tries to pretty much at like an idiot, Imma make them feel like an idiot. Sometimes I do think that I just wanna stay in bed and tell everyone to FUCK OFF! but then again, I can' do that really, because of I did, I might die a lonely death.

"Life is overwhelming, heavy is the head that wears the crown/ I'd love to be the one to disappoint you, but I don't fall down//" -Limp Bizkit "Rearranged"

Yes I sometimes think that those who think of themselves as a higher authority over me, want me to fall off, but I'm not the type to fall on my ass and not get back up. I'm sorry to disappoint you Stephanie A., Michelle, etc. You knoe also, sometimes, on rare occasions whenever I read "HIS" xanga, I think that "HE" wants me to fall off. It was honestly "HIS" fault for losing the one BEST FRIEND n BROTHER FIGURE "HE'D" ever have. He complains about how life isn't going "HIS" way but yet "HE'LL" always have "HIS" friends behind him to back him up. There's only one problem w/ "HIS" theory is, that "HE" didn't realize that "HIS" old friends were still there to help "HIM" thru it. "HE" pretty much left us in the dark, yeah he can ask for help but "HE'D" only try to impress "HIS" new friends, look what that got "HIM". See all you had to do was just tell Greg your situation and not assumed what you assumed he'd say about you. And for what you did to me, you told a shitload of ppl about my situation last year and I didn't even know these ppl and for them to know was so fucked up when I trusted you w/this info. So for you to get mad at me for telling TWO ppl about ur lil' suicide stunt, ONE of 'em who was YOUR BEST FRIEND, is so fuckin' stupid of you!

oh and by "HIM, HIS, HE, HE'LL, HE'D" I'm talkin' about you GAVIN!!!!

and that's all I can reflect on right about now, there'll be a part 2 to this later on, MUCH later on, PEACE!


current mood: rejuvenated
current music: Jay Z-Moment Of Clarity

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Monday, June 28th, 2004
7:32 pm - Biting Feeding Hands
all i can say truly is this, read my gf's blurty, and everything is summed up about wuts going on, or wut had been going on!

for now all I can say is this, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"-Stephanie A.

heres my response, "Everyone has an objective, mine involves happiness n your daughter"-Jae



current mood: angry
current music: Eminem-Sayin' Goodbye To Hollywood

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Monday, June 7th, 2004
11:04 am - It's Startin' All Over Again
hey y'all,

theres been a lot going on since june 1st that would take forever to write on this but y'knoe wut, I got some time be4 i go back 2 doin' my chores in Lexi's house. hmmmm, goddamn theres so much to say!!

Tuesday was a day of going back 2 school for grad practice and nothing much happened, lined up in lines of how we were going to go into for graduation and mass and that's it. after that we all hung around for awhile until we went into the dining hall for lunch. the only ppl i hung out w/that whole day were greg n nicole. I was trying to enjoy the last couple of days of bein' w/them be4 i leave so cal for a good while. mat tried to tell me off but i wasn't going to let his fuckin' ignorance get the best of me. it's ppl like him that i don't appreciate anymore fro alemany, i try to b a nice person but even nice ppl have their limits of irritation, so i wasn't gonna let him get the best of me. Hector gave me a ride home that day, thanx Hector. after that i just chilled @ home, saw BTH finally, it was an awesome video btw, props to LP!!! anyways I didn't do much just relax and enjoy the days of freedom before baccalaureate was gonna b on friday!! don't remember much but I knoe that on Wednesday Charles came over my house to hang out. I actually wanted him to come over in order to make me feel relaxed that I actually was going to graduate. thursday I went to greg's and didn't worry anymore about graduating or not, cuz if i wasn't they would've let me knoe about now right??!?!

today was a day filled w/happiness n stress, cleaning and making everything just perfect for Alexis' n her family. they got 2 my house around 330, mom came home two n half hours earlier, charles n robby got here around 4. i had to b @ school around 5 so Lexi n her dad dropped me off and hung around lookin for seats. When i went into line, i was worried that they all wouldn't b allowed in. thank god cause once i sat down in my seat next 2 aurelie n ulysses, i saw that they all made it, even Chris Tiffany n Sandra made it as well, tightness right there!!! mass was about an hour n a half long, thank god and then afterwards we all went to the Olive Garden where my dad was waiting for me. It was so wonderful hanging out w/all of my family: mom dad sister alexis's mom n dad, and haging out w/my friends: Alexis Charles Robby Sandra Chris and Tiffany. it was so much fun to have everyone i truly love so much there. I wish i could've had nicole dillon n greg there as well but it sucks that they couldn't have been there, btw i miss you guys. oh yeah u 2 hector, lol j/p i miss u 2 dawg.

saturday-graduation THIS IS IT:
this is it, this'll b the day that truly proves that I'm going to graduate or not, here we go!!!!!!!! woke up early as fuck, didn't get much sleep cuz i fell asleep @ 3AM from comin home late from droppin alexis home n going to the pier!! anyways, got ready for grad, charles n rob came over and hung out while my mom was gettin ready, dad picked me up and took me 2 skool. he gave me his last words of advice involving high school and gave me advice about life after high skool. about high skool he said: "you struggled so hard to make it this far, and I'm proud of you", words 4 life:"don't let anyone get in your way, take care of yourself, you are responsible for you now, not ur mom and i, but YOU!!" thanx Dad, I miss you so much right now!! anyways, while waitin 4 everythin 2 begin, talked to BK, me n him exchanged numbers, we goin' 2 hang out no matter wut, believe that!!! anyways, after that got lined up and sat down as the ceremony began. Sujin n Leah gave good speeches, sandra called me durin the ceremony, i called her, and then it was time to get the diploma cover and as i was gettin mine, my best friends n my best gf cheered me on as i was gettin it, and they held a sign saying "Congrats + NOW GET A JOB!!" LMFAO, thanx guys, i will!! then went to get the real diploma and it's official, i graduated high school, it's still a shock 2 me but hey, i luv it!!!!!!!!! anyways afterwards, i went to denny's w/my mom, chris tiff n thier baby, n alexis in one car, sandra charles n rob in another car, we ate, laughed n had fun! when i was departing, i gave everyone a group hug from the band, the original band, chris sandra charles robby n i, n then we added our newest member, alexis!!! i miss you guys already!!! then afterwards chris dropped alexis my mom and i @ my house and said once i get back, we're all gonna hang out and if he sees junior for me, he'll hit him extra hard in my honor and absence! thanx n please fuck up that motherfucker!!! afterwards, i drove alexis n i to the hotel in san dimas and then my dad drove the car back. he let me drive the freeway, NIIIIIIIIICE!!! neways, afterwards, we hung out in the hotel for a good while, n then when alexis' mom n dad came 2 the hotel, we hung around and went 2 go see the course alexis n her mom were gonna run.

early morning we left 4 the triathlon, i volunteered and so did her dad, i handed out Propel n water to the triathletes! stephanie(alexis' mom) ended first, and as alexis was finishing, she was so exhausted n crying in tears of joy 4 finishing. im proud of both these ladies for finishing the triathlon. then it was a long road trip back 2 san jose. came home, unpacked, ate a nice dinner that was prepared quick! ate, drank wine, hehehe, and then we went to sleep.

now that i'm here, i just wanna say this, whoever is reading, to my best friends: I miss you guys, NO MORE ALEMANY!!!!

to my best, greatest, n worst enemies: FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!!!


to everyone else, key words of advice: Be you, don't be someone else!!!

peace n luv,

current mood: happy
current music: Eminem-I'm Back// Eminem-Marshall Mathers

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Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
12:43 am - In Need of Prayers and Admitting my Faults

2 b honest, i'm askin 4 all my friends' prayers!

I'm askin' for Greg's prayers, Nicole's prayers, Dillon's prayers, Alexis' prayers, Sandra's prayers, Charles' prayers, Robby's prayers, Chris' prayers!!

2 b honest, i'm askin 4 all my family's prayers!

I'm askin' for my mother's prayers, my father's prayers, my sister's prayers, my oldest brother's prayers, my band's prayers, alexis' families prayers!!

I'm also gonna say this, I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my band, I miss everyone's family!!

I'm going to say that I can try to admit somethings:
I admit to being lazy,
I admit to being a slacker,
I admit to acting childish,
I admit to being in love with Alexis,
I admit to loving my best friends Charles Sandra Chris n Robby,
I admit that I do give my mother a hard time,
I admit to lying to her when I shouldn't,
I admit to using my father for my convenience,
I admit to using my mother to get what I need,
I admit to hurting Alexis,
I admit to taking advantage of Sandra 'n her car,
I admit to not talkin' to Robby as much as i should,
I admit to not helpin' Charles sometimes when he really needs it,
I admit to hiding my feelings from Chris 'n how upset I was at him,
I admit to not telling Chris that I'll always be there,
I admit to fuckin' up at a lot of things,
I admit to hurtin' Alexis' family,
I admit to hurtin' my own family,
I admit to Nicole that I wish I could thank her daily,
I admit to Greg that I'm sorry if I've ever hurt him,
I admit to Dillon that I wish I could've gotten to know him better,
I admit to my loved one's that I do love them-I DO!,

I admit all that now, and I also admit the following things:
I admit to betraying Gavin but I didn't do it willingly and if he can't see that then we aren't friends anymore and thats fine w/me,
I admit to never paying Michelle back but after what happened she don't deserve shit!,

and one last thing,

I admit to everyone that I think the only people that have been real in my life have only been Greg Nicole Dillon Sandra Chris Robby and Charles!!

everyone else, FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love AND hate,

current mood: worried
current music: D12-Good Die Young/Keep Talkin'

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Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
5:52 pm - Happy 13th goin on 13 years Alexis
"it sometimes makes me wonder that we are still head over heels in love with each other after 13 months"

"in my head i beg the hours to pass faster so the day ends quicker, making us one more day closer to seeing each other"

Happy 13 mnth Anniversary


current mood: happy
current music: Az Yet-Last Night

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Saturday, May 15th, 2004
10:54 am - Mixed Emotions
sometimes i wonder what is wrong w/people?!?! to be honest, i've said it myself, sometimes i just FUCKIN' HATE EVERYONE! f'real, sometimes i hate everybody, and other times I LUV everybody. in fact, I wrote that kind of poem, now i'm gonna show y'all how it goes!

I like you,
I hate you,
I love you all,
I fuckin' hate y'all,
I wish you the best,
I want you to fail,
fail miserably,
succeed triumphantly,
but most to all the time,
ur in my thoughts,
and I really care 4 u,

see w/that you wonder, and ask, "is he really telling the truth, or is he just full of shit and cares only about his own being?" y'knoe wut, i'mma be honest, sometimes i have mixed emotions because I don't knoe how to feel, and that's up to me to feel whichever way i wanna feel.

recently, since last tuesday, my mother and I have been arguing because she thinks all I do is use her for whatever I need. sometimes I can be that way, I can admit that. and sometimes I don't even intend to use my own parents just for my well being. it sucks how they can think of me like that. it doesn't matter to me how I use or how ppl use me but I don't intend to use ppl and other times I hope i'm not using people myself. anyways, wednesday we kept arguing about how all we do is argue over everything and how i'm a bad son but it doesn't matter to me. anyways, on thursday i stayed home because i didn't feel like going to school and plus i felt so sick to my stomach that i had to stay home. friday i went to school. michelle still thinks i'm "unappreciative" of her but y'knoe wut, I DO'NT GIVE A FUCK! if she truly does wanna call me that, she can say it up to my face and not hide it from me. she got dissed by this girl and i think she set her straight. this girl told michelle that she's a pathological liar and that's that! other than that, that's all I heard. I don't care anymore about her, when she wants to talk to me,she can approach me about it. hector and me are still talking, 2nd period sucked, 1st period was wutever and then eventually i found a ride home thanx 2 Timmy! then i went tothe plant and hung out w/the homies. the ghetto bird was flying over us and it was lookin 4 a missin 4 year old. so what did we do to the best of our ability? 2 18 year olds ran around the parking lot hoping the helicopter would follow us and of course it did. thanx charles for joining in on the fun. see sometimes i find shit to be a joke, cuz u cant take EVERYTHING serious now can you?!?! anyways, today i think i'm staying home for once, cause i need to do homework, write later!


ps: Morning Sweetheart!

current mood: okay
current music: Linkin Park-Breaking The Habit

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Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
8:16 pm - The NEW season
The Show Must Go On...........Even if there's been a long pause....

y'all remember that I compared my life to a TV show right, well it seems like i've finished filming my umpteenth season of my show. it's like the ppl who know me can watch the new episodes in their head differently then I can. what they see, I see ten times differently and whoever tends to say something different, it don't matter cause i'm the star of my show, and my co-stars are only giving their perspective while I'm giving MY OWN PERSPECTIVE! Well I can say a lot about this entire week or I can say alot about the past three to four months.all I can remember back to is Spring Break when Alexis suprised me by coming to LA and staying from that Holy Saturday 'til Tuesday. That tuesday was the first time since new years day that i've seen her parents. I actually missed seein' them, although sometimes I think they treat Alexis unfairly. Anyways afterwards, I kept hanging out w/Martin n Hector, I distinctly remember that part of the break, for real. then afterwards school started all over again.

4:20 was supposed to be a day of smokin' out 'til ur eyes are blood red and dilated, drinkin' til the alcohol poisoning takes over ur system that u need ur stomach pumped, and fucking urself up w/hallucinagens antidepressants and all sorts of drugs 'til ur either gettin' rolled out in a stretcher and flyin' 85 MPH to the nearest hospital OR ur closest friends and family are staring at ur lifeless body while it's dressed in a black tie ceremony not mourning but saying 'that kid could've done a lot w/his life' and shit like that BUT it wasn't. for me 4:20 was the day that I left for KAIROS #69. @ first when I got there I kept thinkin' "try distancing urself from everyone that you are close to". it's a defense mechanism however to stay close to those friends that you've grown close ties to. anyways, I hung around Kris Gavin Kristine Jonathan Ray and Gian! but then when they announced who are groups, I was seperated from everybody except Kristine but the thing is, me and Kristine aren't really close to each other. Now the thing about KAIROS is that it follows the same rule of Las Vegas, what happens in Vegas: STAYS IN VEGAS! so I'm really limited on spittin' my emotions right now about KAIROS n my group cause I'm not gonna let anyone knoe what I truly felt up there. anyways, my group consisted of a combination of people that I know out of either association OR cause i've had a class w/them @ one point in my life. my group was group 5 w/Calvin Mikey Justin B. Jenn V. Gabe G. Kristine Kyle Larissa and Elisa, and of course my leaders Jazmin n Taylor, which btw I MISS YOU TWO!!! to be honest, I knoe everybody says that 'my leader is kooler than urs' or 'I love my leader and your leader is OK' but y'knoe wut, my leaders, I LUV U TWO!! be4 I continue, I'd like to say Joey Mangini, I continue praying for u, I missed u @ K69 and I hope there is a way that me and u can talk again and that everything is going good for you. anyways talk about a diverse group, an all star athlete, a football player, a bBaller 2 ppl in my english class one cool funny guy who's going out w/a cute cheerleader btw the hottest cheerleader in the skool according to everyone and someone I used to knoe WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back in the day! I did feel more alone than ever. My favorite memory about Kairos is writing the poem for Ms. Barton which I'm gonna miss her a lot! I had a lot of good memories but I can't mention any of 'em except I luv 'em all. Those were the greatest 4 days of my life! I'm glad that my group can help me by at least bein there when I was weak. there was sumone that i wanted to go real bad but he couldn't cuz he got expelled, hopefully Marcus learned his lesson and is makin the best of a bad situation.

after Kairos, the next day was my 1 year anniversary but i couldn't celebrate it w/her because we were far away and she was doing her thing. dont' worry baby girl, I still remembered our 1 year anniversary.

then this past week. i'mma jump forward a lot to talk about this past week. Monday was just another day I guess, half day n all, I don't remember much about it just that the day be4 it was Billy's Bday and we took him to CHUCK-e-CHEESE's so I hope he had fun there. afterwards, onto Monday, half day, don't care don't remember. tuesday Greg went to school for the first time in forever and it was cool cause he was virtually invisible in april and for him to be @ skool that day, it made me feel better and it made me feel like i wasn't abandoned @ the fuckin' table. anyways, he left early that day like around after lunch. wednesday, It was the worst cinco DE mayo cause i was left w/a bad decision that could've ended my relationship w/alexis. i don't wanna talk about it cause it's over. friday she left for hawaii and i hope she's having fun.

SATURDAY!!! the greatest 24 hours i've ever been awake from yesterday 'til today, my god i swear, I had so much fun. my dad picked me up so we went driving around for awhile y'know, did errands for my mom and then afterwards we came home. everything was done and then I went to the plant. Charles Robby Sandra and Justin were standing outside chilling as if I think somehow it was meant for them to wait for me there or something but again it's not about me. anyways we talked and then we decided to call Chris and he said he'd come down tonight, being last night.

Anyways, continuing on, we called him and he said he would meet up w/us eventually. we hung out for a while, Charles, Robby, Sandra, and I and thats when I brought my black book too. @ first, a friend of mine from skool, GAVIN, told me I should turn that book into a prayer book or something where only I had control of. I thought about it for awhile, but when I started writing the very first passage in there, I wrote how I thought I was the "lead singer" of my so called "band". Thanx a fuckin' bunch D12! anyways, I wrote how theres nothing thats gonna keep us separated and we're going to be a crew and band again, that band being Chris, Sandra, Charles, Robby and ME! after I wrote something, I let Sandra write something, and then we just walked around the plant like we usually do but then I left. I got a txt around 1030, and I kept txtin' Sandra back n forth 'til she decided to call me. Which was around 1130 saying "hey, Jae we just got a call from Chris and he's coming to the plant". Thing was she called from Denny's and rushed as fast as she could from Hollywood to the plant to go meet up w/Chris.

It was around 1230, and I was waiting patiently for Sandra and what happened is, around 1am, i get a call telling me I should wait outside my house in ten minutes cause my friend are about to come over. So I get ready, throw on some kicks and wait outside, and suddenly I see Sandra's car and Chris' van. I thought, this has to be a dream, cause this isn't all real, it couldn't be y'knoe. the band actually gettin back together?!?!?! but the thing was, it was all reality. Once I saw everyone park, and Chris got out the car, I just wiled out and gave Chris the biggest hug in the world cause I miss this guy. He's my HOMEY, he's one of few homeys who's actually been there and didn't snake me @ the last minute. but the problem was something was really off, I wasn't hugging the REAL chris, it was chris but it wasn't really him.

anyways, we decided to do something stupid and that is help his homey DJ get his truck to go out looking to start Bum Fights. while we were doing that, we kept worrying about the police pulling us over, or catching us speeding out, or just stupid shit like that y'knoe. anyways, it was fun though, just rolling w/everyone and shit! that was the funnest night of my life, 'cause I kept rolling w/friends, hung out late as fuck, first time in a LONG ASS TIME since I stay out for an entire day, and just smile for more than a good 24 hours w/out being emotionally drained later. Sunday was just a normal day, nothing interest nothing abnormal unfortunately. Monday, i was hit up w/ so much stress since the minute I wake up. I felt like crap cause I woke up late as FUCK, forgot to Dillon's thing, and stressed cause of my mom. My mom bitched as usual when she got home, and then while I was working on Dillon's thing, I kept worrying about my girl and also the news Sandra gave me. Once it came around midnight, i was ready to clock out and say fuck u to anyone who'd call me. I can't really mention what Sandra said to me because it's too personal even for this. All I knoe is that I knoe what I have to say and do to help Chris get his life back in order, must help out another good friend of mine because he's a friend and he's helped me in my darkest hours as well, so it's thru honor and friendship and common courtesy to return the favor, tell those who are ignoring me or just being FUCKIN' IGNORANT towards me to fuck off and that I dont' want nothing to do w/them if they aren't gonna grow up, and just find a place to stay for the rest of my life. that's all for now, so I think this is worthy of being posted!


ps: I just got my permit today, and in two weeks that Driver's License is MINE!

current mood: awake
current music: D12-Keep Talkin'

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Sunday, April 25th, 2004
1:08 am - 1 Year Yesterday

yesterday, a few minutes ago, it was me and my darling Alexis' ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

that's 12 mnths together, and it's 365 to 366 days together, and u know wut, I'M HAPPY



current mood: happy
current music: Notorious B.I.G.-Warning

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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
8:20 pm - Happy 11 Mnth Anniversary Alexis
A letter 4rm Alexis to Me

"Dearest Jaime,

These eleven months with you have gone by so quickly. It feels like yesterday we just met in person. Ever since that day, I have felt engaged to be yours and you engaged to be mine. I have loved you every moment, even when in times of anger, when we have been apart, when we were half a world away from each other. These times recently have been a test, I suppose. The fates testing our love for each other. I will love you no matter what happens in this world. I will be by your side when you need me. I will hold you close when our last breath leaves our bodies.
The days will pass, especially these conflicting ones. We will find our happiness together in the years to come. I want to have your children and raise them in whatever place we live be it north or south, east or west, sand or snow. But for now, I love being your girlfriend and your fiancee. You truly are the person I love in this life. You are my soulmate and my one true love in all of my lifetimes. I can't wait for the next life because I will be able to see you again. Right now, I love sharing my life with you and you sharing yours with me. You cannot believe all the love I have for you. If I were to leave you, I would be doing the most absurd act of my whole life. In our times of trouble, I'll be there. In our times of anger and arguments, we'll be there together. Jaime, I love you with every strand of my life.

Always and Forever Your Girl,

Now if this isn't true love that my girlfriend has for me, admittng we have problems, stating to the world how she feels about me no matter who does or doesn't like it, then wat is tru luv, someone else tell me, ::MUAH:: I LUV YOU ALEXIS!!!!!!!!!!

Happy 11 Mnth Anniversary Baby Girl!!!!!!!!

current mood: happy
current music: Blink 182-I Miss You

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Sunday, March 14th, 2004
1:22 pm - 1Yr Rhyme Book
oh wow, i haven't updated this in the longest of fuckin' time. and there is too much to let off of my chest. so much has happened since the last day of finals in January all the way to this day. and it's all been wonderful, painful, anger, hateful, and a bunch of honest to god BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not gonna say wut happened in january, let alone anything in february. all i can say honestly is that this week has been outta control since sunday that alexis left. alexis came down here for the weekend but i'll talk about that later. anyways, after she left, my mom and i aren't on the same page as it coems to "who loves who" more or less y'know, do laundry and go home tired and dead. monday i'm depressed go home early and lie in bed moping and crying. tuesday, hector mike shawn n michelle left 4 kairos, and i go home and i'm dead tired and alexis and i finally begin to argue over stupid shit i can't remember wut about. wednesday, i'm miserable 4 arguin w/her and skool was a piece of shit w/all the fuckin' ppl there in my opinion. fuck the teachers, fuck the ppl i don't knoe, and fuck the ppl that don't even fuckin' know me @ all. anyway i'm limited on time so i'll make this quick, thursday alexis n i have another argument and it hurts us both, friday we argue some more and yesterday we argue a whole lot more but then everything is finally made up for. and i'm glad that everything is all ok now cause i can't take this arguing anymore. anyways, i'll explain another day wuts been going on but in the meantime i have this to say:

it's been one year that i have my rhyme book, and i'm proud of that fact, but if u other ppl aren't:::

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm out,

current mood: accomplished
current music: Linkin Park-Papercut Live

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
5:36 pm - Happy 10 Mnth Anniversary
Happy 10 Mnth Anniversary Baby Girl. I miss you lots baby girl, I want to hold you lots, I want you here NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW!!! ::MUAH:: Happy 10 Mnth Anniversary Alexis Danielle!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 Mnth's away................

current mood: thankful
current music: D-12-Ain't Nothin' But Music

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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
5:43 pm - Happy 18th Birthday
Happy 18th Birthday Carmen!!!!!

current music: D-12-Fight Music

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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
6:15 pm - Happy Valentines Day
Happy Valentines Day to everyone who has a valentine,

Happy National Singles Awareness Day to those who are alone today,

Happy Valentines Day Alexis Danielle, my valentine!!

current mood: ecstatic
current music: Linkin Park-A Place For My Head

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