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mood |
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there isn't an appropriate word. |
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music |
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the tv. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. |
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so i got my SAT grades back in the mail. i already knew what i got though. as i pulled in the driveway, mom and dad came out of the front doo,r glaring at me and motoining me to turn the car off and come inside. i yelled out the window that i knew what i got already and that i had know for the last 5 days and pulled away. i was late for work. so i got to work, and about a half hour later mom calls and starts bitching at me about my score. come on! how fucking immature?! she calls me at work to yell at me? couldn't she wait an hour and a half til i got home? so i come home and get yelled at by mom. she asks me why i didn't tell them my score if i knew it ahead of time... and i told her the truth. cause i wanted to avoid getting in trouble (exactly what was happening). i didn't want to get in trouble because everyone was expecting so much more from me. everyone's expectations are too high. and she goes on to try to convince me that im not in trouble, that she's just mad that i didn't tell her and dad since they were the ones to pay for the test. bull shit. if they weren't gonna yell at me then what was with the attitude when i pulled up? and it wasn't just the attitude, it was the way my dad was looking at me and glaring and gesturing, that really pissed me off... even more than i already was. and when you're as fucked up as i am, even the little things make a really really really big deal.
i know my score wasn't anything great, im actually really upset with it. im upset with myself, im upset cause everyone is going to be upset with me. everyone wants so much...
mom tried to tell me that it didn't matter what grade i got as long as i tried my best, and she knows that's what i'm doing. well, i know that, but i don't think that my best is good enough.
the rest of the day was shit. i just want everyone here to leave me the fuck alone. it's not a real hard concept to understand. i'm so fucking tired, why can't people see that? i wake up at 5:30 and go to school and work and come home and do homework and don't get done til 9, and i want to sit down and relax for an hour before go to bed... i don't want to sit here and argue with her over my attitude problem. im sorry if i have an attitude problem, but i don't know what else to do with my emotions. im so stressed and they want me to be the perfect little servant girl. well, i don't have time for that shit. i barely have time to keep myself sane. i know i'm not the only one in this house with a busy schedule, but nobody here has such a hard work load. no one here has ever had such a hard work load. neither of my parents went to college, so they don't know the stress of applicatons, due dates, essays, scholarships, guidance appointments, ect. neither of them have ever taken the SATs, so they don't know the stress of studying and waiting for the scores and being so fucking dissapointed. neither of them ever went to a school like padua, they don't know the stress of grades and homework, and essays, on top of everything else. so how can they criticize me?
why won't they just LEAVE ME ALONE!
grrrr, why won't livejournal work?! i want to update my livejournal! damn it!!!
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