Heather Dawn's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Heather Dawn

[ website | Institutionalize Me ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

New Journal: [31 Mar 2004|06:43pm]
Have switched to livejournal, here's the address...

Are you aware?

"Yeah, see Heather, she won't be a virgin by the time she gets out of high school." [15 Mar 2004|04:59pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Q108 - Radio Station... my new favorite ]

-Subject line said so wonderfully by my 18 year old sophomore friend, Curtis. My responce: "Oh, I'm glad you know that Curtis." I couldn't help but laugh at him... that got the rest of us laughing. It was defintely a moment to be remembered. Though even now I think if he just happened to put his neck in my hands I could still choke him!

Speaking of Curtis- He got a beautiful tatoo in memory of Mark over the weekend. Its about 7 inches long and 4 wide or so on his upper right breast. It's a big cross with Mark's name and date of birth and death on it, with Rest in Peace in the middle. (I believe; it's still pretty illegible... he's bringing me the drawing tomorrow). It has light coming out of sides of it. He drew it so I was impressed, but it's so awesome!

*Why the hell does this song-100 Years; Five for Fighting-always come on when I'm talking about Mark... I swear... ugh, it makes me cry!!! I'm beginning to think Mark's not as gone we think...

He's in Heaven... that's the most important part. Forever with our Lord and Savior and someday I'll get to introduce myself correctly.

2 people are | Are you aware?

Tylertown Road and Oakview Drive [13 Mar 2004|03:27pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | 100 Years-Five for Fighting ]

Two weeks after the fact I finally got to visit where Mark and Katie had thier accident. It took us a little while to find it, but inevitably we came upon it and just like that it was real...

He'd been riding right where I was. He'd come out of this same side road and never seeing it...

The spot where they landed (they were hit so hard that them and the ATV were thrown across the street-about 10-15 feet from where they were originally hit.) is marked by a cross and inumerable flowers and cards. I couldn't bring myself to stop and get out of the car so I just watched as it faded from view behind me...

I know there is a reason. God wanted him for something more than we did, but it still hurts you know? It always does... No matter how religious you are or aren't the loss of someone you love is hard.

And he was only 15...

100 Years-Five for Fighting:

"I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live"

...And sometimes you don't even have that...

Are you aware?

In Memory [03 Mar 2004|03:46pm]
[ mood | sad ]

In Loving Memory:
Mark Mahrlen
Rest in Peace

Mark was a friend of mine, one I've only known a month due to my only recently moving here and not even well enough to know his last name... until recently, but now i'll never forget it. Last saturday 15 year old Mark and his 17 year old sister Katie decided to drive a neighbors ATV out on a well traveled side road by their neighborhood. Mark was driving, and unaware as most 15 year olds are that he did not have the right of way at a four-way stop, hit the gas...

And collided with the left side of an SUV.

Mark was flown to a nearby hospital where he died from his injuries not long after arriving. His sister is in critical condition after losing the bottom part of her left leg and in danger of losing the knee as well.

Neither was wearing safety gear.

If any good could come of this tragedy me and Mark's fellow students hope that people will think before they drive an ATV out on a paved road-it is illegal in most states, will always wear safety gear and never drive with a passenger.

A school now mourns the lose of a fellow student and prays for the recovery and safe return of another. Please, please never take anything or anyone for granted... Come Monday, they may not be there to take granted of...
Are you aware?

"It was an all girl group." "Yeah, like I said: Josh's group." [27 Feb 2004|03:50pm]
[ mood | Happy: only cause it's Friday! ]
[ music | Nowhere Kids - Smile Empty Soul (awesome song!) ]

Well, I'm back, but it still won't be quite so normal... we're not sure about the internet yet. By the end of March I'll be back with full force though, promise!

Was bored earlier and took this test... wanted to post the results. Maybe I'll get on here this w\e and write up about everything that's been going on.

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
Sociability |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Gregariousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Enthusiasm |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Trust |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Morality |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Cooperation |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Modesty |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Neatness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Self-Discipline ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Cautiousness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Orderliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 69%
Anxiety |||||||||||| 38%
Volatility |||||||||||| 38%
Depression ||||||||| 22%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||| 22%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||| 38%
Vulnerability |||||||||||| 34%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 68%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Emotionality ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Liberalism |||||||||||| 34%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 64%
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test

Till then, later y'all
Are you aware?

Organizd people are just too lazy to look for things. [07 Feb 2004|12:37am]
[ mood | blank ]

*My Publishing's teacher has a banner in his room that says that subject line and let me tell you-it fits 'em well, haha!

Can't say too much because of our internet time limit until around the end of March when they get DSL here Ashton Place.

Should mention though that I am finally BACK in the Good 'Ole U. S. of A. Can't say I care to much for this part of the contry, but I'm still back I suppose.

Started school 2 weeks ago and according to recent news 'round here will be relocating to another school down the street from me next school year. So that's interesting news... don't you love how they do that?

Anyway, Josh is on AIM now, and I gotta save time to talk to him before I gotta get off here! Till whenever next time is...

Are you aware?

On to the better [04 Jan 2004|06:29am]
[ mood | content ]

So we're finally at the Inn now, but the wireless connection doesn't work over there for some reason so we have to come over here to the house (right next door) to us the internet, but whatever... no heartbreak. We have our final out tomorrow though so today will be the last day we'll be able to get in here, oh well.

Been snowing all day, we up to it and it's been 4 hours since then. Still coming down good, so should have a few inches come time it stops. Two or more right now at least. I just pray that the rpads are clear tomorrow when Dad and I have to drive dwn to Frankfurt to take the animals to PetAir. They fly before us, which is good because their flight is only 9 hours no stops, rather than ours - 17 and we stop at Lajes Field (island) with a two hour lay-over, Baltimore with a two hour lay-over and then finally to Atlanta where we can get off the damned thing! Will be a blessing after 17-18 hours! Hell on earth I swear!

It's definitely worth it though... not to mention the whole Goth thing is going to be great. Can't wait to see the family's expressions! Not to mention I get to call everybody and be in the same country!!!

Oh and Ashe I was thinking about you maybe coming down the 16th and I was wondering if maybe I could get my parents to schedule our little trip to Savannah that weekend! Would that not be totally awesome?!?! We're going to check on the house and I want to see Tybee Island and stuff again, so if we could take you I'd be fulfilling my long ago made promise to you! We could go to Ogelthrope Mall, and downtown, to Bonevture Cementary, Julliette Gordon Lowe House... either way we will do it someday, whether its in two weeks or two years! For now, I'm just hoping you can come up!

DAYS LEFT: 3 (we fly on the third!)

Are you aware?

One more gone... [01 Jan 2004|12:00pm]


Here's wishing all of you a GREAT 2004!

Are you aware?

[29 Dec 2003|07:26am]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | none :( - just don't feel in the mood for music ]

Funnily enough it seems that we have a wireless internet connection, haha. Dad found it on accident Friday night. 'Tis free, obviously and though a bit slow and tempermental it'll do... better than nothing at least!

So here I sit, at home, on the laptop... with nothing to say...

Oh well. I'll write more tonight. Just don't feel up to much of anything right now for some reason.

Almost a week to go now though:


Are you aware?

Go to class. Roam the halls. Whatever. You've cleared. Nobody can do anything about it. [19 Dec 2003|11:20am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

-Mr. T said that about an hour ago.

Yeah, it's true. I'm officially done with Hanau High School! ... But I'm still here... I actually got all of my grades and signatures before 10, but I called my parents to come pick me up and I got the answering machine. I called again. Still got the machine. Called their mobile. Got the machine. I left a message on the home phone, but I don't see them getting it until around 1 or something.

See, what happened was the government furniture was suppose to come this morning around 8 and after that my parents were going to go to Wiesbaden. Seems the furniture did come on time and here I am. In Mr Lightle's room. When I could be home. Watching DVD's on the laptop or something!

Nah, it's not so bad, not really. I didn't know where else to go because I didn't want to go to classes, especially not 3rd period (right now) because of World History with Mrs. Smith. I could've stayed in the office, but this is much better! Nice way to spend my last couple of hours\minutes here. Anyway...

*holds up glass* Here's to the past at Hanau High and the future... where ever that may be.

Are you aware?

It's like a death row pardon two minutes too late. [15 Dec 2003|03:36pm]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | United States of Whatever - Liam Lynch ]

Word is that Lilo made it through surgery and is recovering ... I just hope they got the tumor and all of this is in the past!

On a lighter note: London was great! Was pretty awesome actually meeting Rebecca (and Rachel) in person after 6 years! Got my British flag, paintings for my wall (have to frame them-all 4-when we get to the states), Josh's hat & Melanies Earl Gray Tea, postcards, Ashe and Lys' keychains along with my own, and a shirt. Everything I was suppose to get! Aren't you proud?! Lol btw: they pack all our stuff Wedndsay, but we got a laptop and are keeping it here so we have a computer.

So, we got Saddam Hussein, I've finished all of my Acceleration work, will finish all of my exams this week: my last week of school at Hanau High School, we go home in 3 weeks, Lilo's okay, Josh has cut a lot of his crap according to Melanie and is doing good in school... all is well...

So then why doesn't it feel that way?

Days Left: 22

1 people are | Are you aware?

You only laugh when you mock me, so mock away. [10 Dec 2003|04:22pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Nowhere to Go - Mushroomhead ]

She has a brain tumor.

Lilo. Has a brain tumor. Yes Ashley, Lilo, the one we may not have thought so highly of last year and never really got to know at all. Lilo, one of the many people I've learned to befriend these last 5 months. We've worked on projects together, gone to the movies on Friday nights, held conversations, laughed about some of the stupidest things you can imagine, and now she has a brain tumor.

She hadn't been in World History or at school at all for about a week and a half when the 5 of us; Lindsay, Brandon, the new girl Ashley, Kali, and I; found out why. I heard it from Lindsay the same day everyone else heard it from one of the other people that know. No one else knows and no one else is suppose to find out. Mrs. Brelji is getting all the Sophmores to sign a big card for her, but isn't telling them what is wrong with her, except that she's in the hospital and will be for some time to come. Probably over Christmas.

She goes into surgery Sunday. Not knowing if it'll be the last time she'll ever go to sleep. The doctors are saying it's really small and there's a big chance that she may not make it through surgery...

She wants to be a model you know. She has the body for it too. She even tried out for the cheerleading squad this year. Varsity. She didn't make the team. She has the prettiest blonde hair. Down to her waist. They have to shave it all off.

I found out Tuesday and realized that I may never get to see her again. I'll be in London, England Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Saturday is the last day any visitors are allowed to see her before the surgery. I gave Brandon a letter I wrote her. He's going to give it to her saturday. I told her to trust in God, knowing damn well that she's questioning His very existence right now. I told her to pray about it. That He wouldn't let her down. That I was talking from experience. But what if He does? What if she doesn't make it?

The next time I might see my friend is at her funeral.

Are you aware?

You're the human magic marker, won't you please suprise my eyes? [07 Dec 2003|01:21am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Redefine - Incubus ]

It's not late, but I can't believe I'm still awake. Since dad's been home I've been getting up really early the 2 days I should've slept in. He likes to let me have only 3-4 hours of sleep. It's cool though... it's how I am, but I guess it has to catch up sometime and I thought that since I was all sick and crap it would be now. I don't know, I mean I'm tired, but not enough to sleep. It's not really me that's tred it's my body from whatever this is that I have.

I just got on the net cause I was bored, looked at hoodies, then changed my AIM s\n to heatherdawn588, looked at more clothes, and now, here I am...

And still with nothing to keep me busy for the next few hours. I can't stay on here, the parentals would kill me with the bill, but I just don't know what else to do. It's actually pretty sad... a teenager on a saturday night, bored at home. Won't be that way in a few weeks though, hehe! I'm going to make the best out of my days once I get back! Just thinking about it is keeping me busy, haha!

Maybe somebody'll get online here in a minute... for my sanity's sake, I hope so... and for the internet bill's sake, I hope it's Josh - I need to call him anyway!

Days Left: 29

Are you aware?

Church waits for no one. Not even God. If God's late...well then God can just stand in the back. [06 Dec 2003|07:54pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Nerdy - Poison the Well ]

So Dad fixed the speakers... he had to do a lot of re-installing and crap, so I don't feel stupid or anything. He said you'd have had to have done it all before to be able to fix 'em anyway, so all's cool now. Downloaded me some new music, what I'm listening to right now actually. It's so great, being able to listen to music coming out of the computer!!! Maybe I'm just really materialistic, but man it was killing me when those things were down!

Kino met Dad last night at Cat in the Hat, shook his hand, called him Mr. Quinton, started polite convo. It was nice... Dad still doesn't like him though I'm sure! Haha, he doesn't like any guy I know just because they're... well, guys, lol! Cat in the Hat was hilarious though gotta say!

On a down side, I have a lot of Accelration work to get done this weekend becuase next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday we'll be in London, England and the 19th is my last day. Therefore everything has to be turned in the 18th for grading! I'm not looking forward to these next 2 weeks at all! On top of that I'm sick... don't think it's the flu, but Strep Throat. Which is just great considering that it's been the epedimic around here and since the dr.'s are so stupid and not giving people enough meds. it's turning into Scarlet Fever. I swear that if I get Scarlet Fever and it ruins London or my last week of school I'm going to hurt someone!

That last week is going to suck anyway... I've never lived anywhere as long as I've lived here so I've known these people 3 and a half years! May not seem like anything to people who've lived in the same town with the same friends their whole lives, but to us it's a lifetime... one that's about to end for me. Of everyone I'll miss, I know it'll be Kino I'll miss the most and I've only known him for 4, almost 5 months! We've just clicked liked that, not something you get all the time. I still can't wait to get back to the states and right away it'll be the greatest thing in the world, but after the shock of it all wears off, I'll go into another one of my homesick phases.

Oh well, it's nothing new... Boring crap, boring crap. Anyway, from now on I'm going to have a countdown of my days left in Germany after every entry, like so:

Days Left: 30

Are you aware?

-A soldier on the Home Front- [03 Dec 2003|08:45pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

... Yes, he's in Germany. My father is actually three quarters of the way home tonight! He went to BIAP (Baghdad International Airport) Tuesday, got manifested for a flight and had to wait for a flight... till tonight that is! He called at about 7.30 pm to say that he was in Ramstein and that he'd already called Blevins to come pick him up!

Granted, Ramstein is 1 & 1/2 - 2 & 1/2 *depending on who's driving* hours away, meaning that he'll be home in about 6 hours or so, but at least he's on home ground!

I think this is the first and hopefully last time, I've ever been grateful for being proved wrong! No school for me tomorrow... not a bad thing at all!

Thanks to all who've been a great support through all of this, though I may not show it, sometimes I truly do need and am truly thankful for the shoulder to lean on! Love you all... Take Care...

1 people are | Are you aware?

The president of the United States has gone AWOL ladies and gentleman. [29 Nov 2003|05:05pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | All of the Above - Mercy Me ]

Gotta say this about Bush first off... I have a new respect for the man. I mean, no matter what people think - "it was a publicity stunt" or "it was purely for the soldiers" - whatever, it doesn't matter to me, I know what I believe and I know what that meant to one certain soldier sitting in the desert; that is all that matters. Our president put his life on the line, just like our soldiers are doing everyday, that's not something any ordinary person would do! It doesn't mean I love the man or even agree with him half the time, but I do respect him, of that I can finally say!

Um... what else? Oh, Turkey Day dinner was awesome... saw Brett and Conner there (together). It was funny though, cuz he gave me this really evil look as they walked past our table and my mom goes "Hey, be nice!" Haha, you should've seen his face, it was great! Was really packed though and had to sit at a big table with some other people. Cause they felt sorry for us searching for somewhere to sit. But all-in-all it was great... food was awesome, they had everything you could ever want and they even had an actual Indian Tribe there performing. It was so cool! Oh, 'fore I forget- when I was done eating Junior (3 yr old boy) came to the end of the table and sat on my lap. So, of course, I started talking to him and we were laughing and stuff and all of the sudden I get this odd feeling to look up and to my left. So I did, and who else do I see, but Brett and Conner sitting at a table about 20 feet away from ours watching me, haha! I just smiled and went back talking to Jr.

The next time they walked past me (about 10 min. later) Brett didn't do anything and Conner smiled at me. It was nice though... I think they see me differently. Can't say why, I just felt it. Just hope they don't think it's my kid, HAHA! Or my little brother. Cause I was walking around with him after that... holding his hand all. Nah, they're not that stupid, lol

Went to the movies with Barbara, her kids, and mom last night; Looney Tunes Back in Action. Good movie, funny. But what happen before hand was even better, haha! We were all standing in line waiting to buy a ticket; mom was in front of me and Barbara and the kids were behind us. Well, I was right in the doorway and somebody came up behind me and put there hands on my waist, you know, gently just to let me know they were there. So I moved over and turned around and there's Kino! Mom has been wanting to see him for ever<! So, of course, I had to introduce them; it went like this: "Hey Kino, this my mom" "Oh, hi Kino, I've heard so much about you I already feel like I know you!" *laugh* "Yeah, you know your daughters my councelor. She gonna grow up to be a therapist." *we laugh* Me: "Later Kino." "C-ya Monday Heather." *smile*

So, my mom couldn't stop talking about him, haha! She always likes my guy friends! Yes, he's hott I get that, but not like that. Haha! Should mention though, that he beat up Suigi... they're cool now, Haha! Suigi was going out with Malory (had been for almost a year), after the fight Malory finaly broke up with him and will, hopefully soon for Kino sake, be going out with him. They'd been "that way" for a while before any of this, so it's not like she's fraternizing with the enemy or anything, lol! He's crazy man, I swear... he tells me everything! He told me to read a letter she wrote him! Haha! It's so funny how that is-we've been like that since the first day of Physics together!

I thought it would be easy leaving here, but I was really wrong! E-mail is a great thing though!

Well, about to go downtown and to the Christmas Market with Barbara, her kids and mom (yes, we spend a lot of time together now, haha), so suppose I'll be getting offa here... Love you all, though I realize, I sometimes (okay, a lot of times) take each and every one of you for granted, know today, that I do appreciate you and everything little thing you do!

1 people are | Are you aware?

Been a while, I know... sorry! [27 Nov 2003|11:48am]
[ mood | calm ]


Life's been all work lately, but not today at least... Today is all eat, haha! We're only going to the DEFAC (it's a military mess hall *aka eatery, for those who've never heard either of those first two phrases, lol*, but they're really going out of their way this year to make it something special because of all of the military spouses who're not here.

At least we're going with Barbara and her three kids (our next door neighbor)! They're cool and the kids really aren't all that annoying... I mean they're 7, 8, and 3, but they can be little sweethearts when they wanna be. Especially the youngest, and the only boy of the bunch-he still has a crush on me. He just too cute, lol. Mom's taken a large liking to him, so they're all gonna be hard to leave behing in 39 DAYS! Only 39 days left in tihs hell hole, it's so great... and Dad's coming home in 9! He's going to the airport next Wednsday though, haha! We'll have to wait and see if they'll let him get on plane or not, but at least he'll be there extra early to get one when the time comes, cause they've been delaying soldiers 2-3 days because they don't have enough flights.

Let me just say though, that this Thanksgiving, know matter what it may sound like in this journal most of the time, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. A lot of things and a lot of people. But most of all I'm just thankful to be alive!

Anyway, we're about to leave-

-At this time please refer to top of entry-
Are you aware?

Those who are different change the world, those who are the same keep it that way. [16 Nov 2003|12:30am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Argue - Matchbox 20 ]

Haven't updated in a while. Yeah, haven't had much time, sorry people! This acceleration is killing me man! All work and no play, it seems lately. Stupid friggin Military extending our PCS 6 months, how stupid!

Umm... Freddy vs. Jason soundtrack still hasn't gotten here. Lazy ass mailroom I'm sure has just decided not to put cards in the boxes. It's normal, but annoying as hell! Went to te PX today saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre soundtrack. It and F vs. J of course, have a lot of the same people, but TCM's songs are all from old cd's. Like Mushroomhead's 43, is on TCM and it's from their cd Mushroomhead. I prefer everybody on F vs. J rather than those on TCM anyway, so all's cool.

Don't know, life's been wierd lately... not much to get emotional at. Happy, sad, angry... it's all the same really. Annoying is more like it, but hey, who am I to complain? Yeah, that's what I think too. Get through these next 52 days (I believe) and I'll be Home Sweet Home. And for the time being, however short that may be, all will be well.

Worrying about CJ non-stop. For those who haven't heard CJ is a friend of mine and my best friends' Josh. We all met when we were 5 and now that Josh is back in Texas him and CJ are good friends again. Me and CJ just got talking again about 2 months ago. Found out last weekend that he's in the hospital for Bi-Polar aka Manic Depression. (It's a mental illness that causes one to hear voices, sometimes telling them to do things *like kill themsleves or someone else*; mood swings as well-you can go from wanting to commit suicide, straight into being the most content person in the world all in 5 minutes)

My aunt has it and takes meds that keep her normal for the most part. And we believe now that my grandfather had it and it's the reason (or at least one) that he killed himself years before I was born. Apparently CJ's so bad that they're not letting anyone in to see him but family. So Josh hasn't had the chance to get to see him yet, which I know is hurting him a lot. He sounded really scared when he first told me CJ had it. Hell, he told me he was scared. As am I, I've seen what it does it to people and CJ being on 16! He's in for a hard life and it's really just not fair...

Wow, seems I have nothing to write now but depressing crap, so for tonight I'll leave it there... it's better to drop a few things at a time than all at once.

Less heart-shattering then.

1 people are | Are you aware?

All she wants is just that something to hold on to. That's all she needs. [09 Nov 2003|11:10pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Like That-3 Doors Down ]

Before I get into all the bad things about this 5 days w\e, I should mention that it didn't suck completely! I did manage to get the Freddy vs. Jason soundtrack ordered tonight. So should be here Friday or so... I'm sorry, but I jsut couldn't wait 2 months to get it from my grandma. And it's not like she's already bought it or anything... she hadn't even looked for it yet, haha!

Also, Rebecca and I are getting all the details in order about my trip to London and of course, to see her! Should be Dec 11th-13th and she's the one that asked me if she could still come up and see me, so I take it she's free to and allowed to, haha. Her sister, Rachel, who's btw my age, lol (go figure!) asked if she could come too... I was more than happy to tell her yes, lol I just can't believe we may actually, after almost more than 5 years, get to meet... wow, it's unbelievable!

On another note... things with Dad aren't so well. They get mortar attacked every night up in the Tsuni Triangle now and apparently he won't be coming home in 12 days. The new commander decided to change policy! Nobody can leave theatre before 45 days out for their PCS! Dad's tried so hard to make them understand what we're going to be going through... We're moving during the Holidays for chrissakes! But nnnoooo, they've found just one more way to screw him over before he get's outta there and they're stickin' to it!

So seems it'll be December 2nd now before I see my Father again... suprise, suprise...

I'm so tired of this emotional rollercoaster... I can't cry anymore... I can't bring myself to feel anything but hatred towards the organization and it's leaders that got my father and my family to where they are today; and so many others as well. I hate crying - I should've been boy! It's a weakness, that in this proffesion (whether it's by family or your own occupation), will kill you... It's emotion, and according to Military principals, it's one thing you're not suppose to have.

Earlier today as I sat on my floor, tears traveling down my cheeks, arms around my bent legs, I made myself a promise...

I just can't let this upset me! I can't... I can't handle it anymore. No more tears. No more emotion. I can't afford it, I really can't. I didn't know it till then, but I am a wreck on the indside and it pains me to hear my mom tell others how together I am about it all. Because I'm not or should I say, I wasn't. I've given up trying to decide exactly how I feel about it all... I've given up trying to care so much...

All I do is pay for it and I'm tired of being torn apart by people who don't even care they're going it. I'm sick of seeing my father's hopes and dreams ditererate the longer he's over there. And I refuse to watch my mother spiral into an emotional blackhole.

I made myself a promise today...

I'm still not exactly sure what it was, but I am sure that one day... one day far from this one, far from this place, from this time, I will know and I can only hope and pray that that promise is what will get me through this... because as of now... I want to be anybody, but me ...

...Why can't that be me...

If I could be like that
I would give anything
Just to live one day in those shoes
If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?
-Like That; 3 Doors Down

3 people are | Are you aware?

Me and You [04 Nov 2003|04:17pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Hi me peoples! Like the new color scheme? I was getting really tired of that Halloween one by the time Halloween finally came, then decided I didn't exactly feel like a bright and cheery one like the one I had before Halloween, so it's back dark again... I just like things dark now for some reason, lol. Btw: Don't know if you guys have heard of System of a Down... you better have, lol... but there a hard rock\metal group that's as of late become another favorite of mine; though Mushroomhead's still better than them and SlipKnot! I haven't been able to find an avatar I like. I'll keep trying though!

Got my watch yesterday and I absolutely love it! It's grown on my mom, but I know she still doesn't like it and that's only because it's black and has the screws in the sides-she's probably imagining me wearing spikes and chains in a few eyars, haha! Don't mattter though, I like it and so, apparently, does everyone that's seen it. I got so many compliments today on my outfit (black cargos and black peace sign shirt) and the new watch! Everybody kept commenting on how different I looked in all black, haha! (As a good thing of course, lol)

Talked to Josh twice this weekend-of course he lied and said all was well, but I know that at least the little time I'm talking to him he's not out causing problems, possibly getting high, or skipping school! It doesn't bother me anymore... his lieing to me, I understand why he's doing it and though I wish he'd just tell me the truth, for the time being it's his choice, therefore I'm just glad we're still talking 10 years later, lol! I've re-thought my little shpeel about the drugs before... Cause you know what? I know he's not back on drugs. Maybe he is causing Melanie problems, maybe he is getting bad grades and skipping school, but that doesn't mean anything! He's told me he wouldn't and I know for a fact that he wouldn't go back on them. Me and Josh are a lot a like in both convictions and taste and I would never do drugs, I learn lessons quickly, though the hard way and so does he.

Besides we had a great convo Sunday night. Gotta highlight some funny parts for ya: I said something about eating only fries from this one Italian place 'roud here and was like "Yeah, it's unhealthy, but it's not like I'm overwieght or anything, haha!" (Keep in consideration that Josh always has and always will be a skinny little stick!) So he goes "lol" and then about 10 seconds later goes "Hahaha, you being fat is like me going on a diet!" I swear we both could not stop laughing long enough to type for about 3 minutes. After we got talking about that he says "Yeah, me and you are gonna be sexy, skinny, good-looking people all our lives." My responce... of course: "Ain't that the truth!" Mom picked then to tell me to get off the net, so the convo ended movie scene perfect!

Kino found out today that I don't own either of SlipKnot's cd's so he told me that he was going to burn them for me. Mind you I didn't ask him to... he just said he was going to, haha! Of course I graciously accepted the offer, lol

...For every reason in the world...

...I love my friends...

Are you aware?

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