Saturday, March 13th, 2004

Time	Event
4:37p	"I've longed to discover something as true as this is..." So I've decided... I'm a very hard girl to keep. I'm not saying that I'm difficult, or high-maintenance, but the fact of the matter is... I'm hard to keep. I can't seem to grasp the concept of an attachment to myself, or anything that has to do with me. I don't think it's low self-esteem persay, though that may have something to do with it. I simply need a little more *emotionally* to make me feel cared about. I sort of had this thought in my mind for a while now (try like 4 years), but I can forget about it.. Until I'm reminded in some way how convinced I am that this same thought is why my past relationships haven't worked. And also why I haven't had more. .......... There is so much that I wish I could tell you Feelings that I've had buried inside my soul The same soul that I've tried to deny any presence of Since the day we've met But I am scared Scared of having too many feelings and too fast Scared of never having those feelings reciprocated Correction I am scared of never feeling like they have been reciprocated I am terrified that Some day You will care for me That you'll... Love me And I won't be able to understand To believe .......... Nevermind. Current Mood: blank Current Music: RENT (Comment on this)
7:12p	"In your eyes, as we said our goodbyes..." Why can't I be how I want you to be? How can I expect you to say all these things If I refuse to say them myself? I want I need You to tell me that you want me To be around me I want I need You to show me you care I would tell you all of these things And more If I could If I could get over the fear of caring too much Of wanting too much I don't know why I don't want you to know these things Because god knows I would But even if you did say them Would I believe you? Or would I simply brush it off as a word As a phrase Just to make me happy .......... Maybe that's why I don't speak my mind as much. When it comes to relationships, anyway. Because I'm 1.) Afraid that it will completely freak the guy out. I mean, everyone knows how guys are when it comes to feelings and commitment, and 2.) Because I want what the guy says to be from the heart, and not have him say it simply because I said it first. A guy once told me that you cannot tell a person how much you care for them, you have to show them. Which, besides it being complete bullshit (an excuse, if you will) it just isn't true. Yes, there are many ways to show a person that you care for them, but words can mean just as much. I never asked for the moon, or the stars. And I never would. But I need that confirmation only words can bring. That maybe I'm doing something right. Something to make him want to be around me. Or talk to me. Or... Anything. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Not that I did when I started either. And for some reason, thinking about all this makes me feel empty inside. Things have been getting to me a lot more than they should lately. And I suppose this just happens to be one of them. I shouldn't think too much into it. And I shouldn't be the one telling myself this.... Current Mood: Empty Current Music: RENT (Comment on this)

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