Heart For Rent's Blurty
 
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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in Heart For Rent's Blurty:

    Friday, July 23rd, 2004
    6:05 pm
    "This time we'll love all the pain away."
    I tried looking up lyrics to a couple songs. I wanted to find one to express how I feel about Dave and I "starting over again." Or something to that degree. And about how it was going to actually work out in the end. Funny thing though....

    All of them involved the guy actually still caring for the girl.

    Doesn't it make you want to laugh? Ha.

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: Moulin Rouge
    Monday, July 12th, 2004
    6:23 pm
    Fuck it all
    I don't really know where to start. I've been feeling in between a rock and a hard place. I asked Dave if he cared about me enough to stop smoking. He said no. His excuse? "It's not like we've been going out for years and years or anything." Maybe by our third or fourth anniversary he'll finally fall in love with me....

    I don't like how the year we went out in highschool can matter or not matter, depending on if it's convenient for him or not. Like with that whole smoking thing. That year didn't matter. It was a completely different thing. But I'm not allowed to hang out with boys because of what happened in that year....

    But he's allowed to go out and smoke pot with girls. And sleep over their houses. And go to the beach with them for the weekend. How is that fair? I have to care enough about the relationship to not do anything that would make his heart hurt, but he can do whatever he wants, even if it tears me up inside?...

    I was contemplating just being friends. But what would that solve? I love him. No matter how much I try to deny it. I. Love. Him. I want to be with him. I just want him to feel the same way about me. And then we come back to that whole, maybe there's something wrong with me thing. And that's why he can't care about me more than a fucking joint.

    I don't know why I feel so angry about it. Why did he get into this relationship if he wasn't willing to put his all into it? I think I'm just an added bonus to him. He'll keep me around as long as he doesn't have to work at it...

    I truly do feel like he doesn't care about me. There's nothing that I can say or do to get him to listen to me. I could not talk to him for 3 weeks. He wouldn't care. I could probably slit my own wrists, and he'd just say 'oh' as long as he could still get high.

    I don't even know what to do anymore. He just doesn't care. This relationship isn't going anywhere. And it never will.....

    ....

    Current Mood: restless
    Current Music: Sublime
    Monday, June 28th, 2004
    8:44 pm
    "...And I poured my heart out." ..... Cont.
    You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to supress my feelings for you until I can deny that they ever existed. I truly feel that this is the only way I won't get hurt. If I can forget about how I have falling in love with you. If I can forget that I actually care what you think of me. If I can forget whether or not it matters if you love me. I can forget.... And I'll be alright.

    About what I said before. Don't think that I want to move in with you and start this whole, big life or something. That's not what I mean. It's just. I hate spending all day with you, and then having to go back to my apartment and sleep alone. I enjoy being around you. Even if it is just sleeping.

    I wish you would call me pretty. Somedays, I dress up. And I always assumed those days that you could notice. I don't know where I'm going with this one. I wish you found me attractive...?

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Green Day
    Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
    10:55 pm
    "...And I poured my heart out."
    I love you. And I want you to love me back. I feel that you cannot love me because of how I look on the outside. I feel that you'll never WANT to love me because of who I am on the inside. I've been in love with you ever since our first kiss. I can't see how you can erease all of those feelings from the past and start over. Emotionally. God knows I can't.

    I want to be with you every night. I want to wake with you every morning. And I want to shoot myself for feeling this way to begin with. I'm sorry that you can't be older. Not that I want to change you. But because my feelings for you go deeper than that of a simple 19 year old girl.

    And I don't even know why. You make me feel unwanted, unattractive, and worthless. Not on purpose, but you do. I thought the one you loved was supposed to make you feel like the most talented, smartest, and prettiest girl in the world. Why can't you make me feel like that? Or is it because you choose not to?

    Because you don't love me. You don't care about me to that end. You love going out with your friends. You love smoking.....

    That makes me feel like I don't deserve to be loved. Like there's something wrong with me. Is it because I cry too much? I wear my heart on my sleeve. Is it because I don't look like all those blonde haired girls at the mall? I know I'm ugly. There has to be something. Something so wrong with me, that I don't deserve love...

    I trust you. But I worry. I don't think you're going to go off and fuck some girl simply because you can, or because you're a jerk. You're not. I'm afraid you're going to realize there are other (sexier) women out there that are less difficult than me. And that you could fall in love with. I'm afraid that you're going to find someone 100 times better than me. Because I know there are a lot that are.

    I don't like how I could recite back to you every single girl you've ever called hot. Or tell you everything you've ever said about your ex-girlfriends. I hate how I can spend a whole night tossing and turning. Thinking about one stupid thing. While you can go out, smoke, and forget that I even exist.

    I hate these feelings I have for you. I'm sorry that I have to care so much. But what I hate most of all is that I can't even tell you all of these things. Because I'm afraid. Of you. And of saying something wrong. I'm afraid that if I let all of my emotional walls down, that you're going to get scared, or upset, and find me too difficult. Or weird. Or... Something. Anything to not want to be with me anymore. Or ever again..............................


    I will not be held responsible for anything I have just said. Or anything that may come in the hours after. I'm simply being honest, and if any of you don't like it, then stop reading. I'm sure you can all relate to the feeling of having to get something off your chest. At any cost.

    Current Mood: restless
    Current Music: Ben Fold's Five
    Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
    11:28 am
    "Enigma" -- Trapt
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    Do we know how to get the message across
    We turn the lights off to find a way out
    No time to get through to grasp what was lost
    Don't turn the lights off and leave me in the dark


    Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding
    I don't want to be left alone
    Not when I'm right next to you
    What are you thinking?
    It's so misleading
    Is it not for me to know?
    I think its just hard for you to show

    We never spoke in the words that we want
    We turn the lights off to find a way out

    We've never chosen to keep what we've got
    Don't turn the lights off and leave me in the dark

    Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding
    I don't want to be left alone
    Not when I'm right next to you
    What are you thinking?
    It's so misleading
    Is it not for me to know?
    I think its just hard for you to show


    Hard for you to show, it's so hard for you to show
    Why is it hard for you to show?
    Hard for you to show

    I thought it would be nice
    To lie down and close my eyes
    It never occurred to me that I am already asleep


    Don't be the one to, don't be the one to let it show
    Don't be the one to, don't be the one to be alone
    Don't be the one to, don't be the one to let it show
    Don't be the one to be alone, tonight

    Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding
    I don't want to be left alone
    Not when I'm right next to you
    What are you thinking?
    It's so misleading
    Is it not for me to know?
    I think its just hard for you to show

    I don't wanna be left alone
    No one wants to be left alone

    Current Mood: pensive
    Current Music: Trapt
    Saturday, May 8th, 2004
    10:28 pm
    Tell Her About it -- Billy Joel
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    Listen boy
    Don't want to see you let a good thing slip away
    You know I don't like watching anybody
    Make the same mistakes I made
    She's a real nice girl
    And she's always there for you
    But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do

    Listen boy
    I'm sure that you think you got it all under control
    You don't want somebody telling you
    The way to stay in someone's soul

    You're a big boy now
    And you'll never let her go
    But that's just the kind of thing she ought to know


    Tell her about it
    Tell her everything you feel
    Give her every reason to accept
    That you're for real

    Tell her about it
    Tell her all your crazy dreams
    Let her know you need her
    Let her know how much she means


    Listen boy
    It's not automatically a certain guarantee
    To insure yourself
    You've got to provide communication constantly

    When you love someone
    You're always insecure
    And there's only one good way to reassure


    Tell her about it
    Let her know how much you care
    When she can't be with you
    Tell her you wish you were there

    Tell her about it
    Every day before you leave
    Pay her some attention
    Give her something to believe

    'Cause now and then
    She'll get to worrying
    Just because you haven't spoken for so long
    Though you may not have done anything
    Will that be a consolation when she's gone?


    Listen boy
    It's good information from a man who's made mistakes
    Just a word or two that she gets from you
    Could be the difference that it makes

    She's a trusting soul
    She's put her trust in you
    But a girl like that won't tell you
    What you should do

    Tell her about it
    Tell her everything you feel
    Give her every reason
    To accept that you're for real


    Tell her about it
    Tell her all your crazy dreams
    Let her know you need her
    Let her know how much she means

    Tell her about it
    Tell her how you feel right now
    Just tell her about it
    The girl don't want to wait too long
    You got to tell her about it
    Tell her now and you won't go wrong
    You got to tell her about it
    Before it gets too late

    Current Mood: numb
    Current Music: Billy Joel
    Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
    5:35 pm
    Evaporated -- Ben Folds Five
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    What I've kept with me
    And what I've thrown away
    And where the hell I've ended up
    On this glary random day
    Were the things I really cared about
    Just left along the way
    From being too pent up and proud


    Woke up way too late
    Feeling hung over and old
    And the sun was shining bright
    And I walked barefoot down the road
    Started thinking about my old man
    It seems that all men
    Wanna get into a car and go anywhere

    Here I stand
    Sad and free
    I can't cry and I can't see
    What I've done
    Oh God, what have I done?

    Don't you know I'm numb, man
    No, I can't feel a thing at all
    'Cause its all smiles and business these days
    and I'm indifferent to the loss
    I've faith that there's a soul somewhere
    that's leading me around
    I wonder if she knows
    Which way is down


    Here I stand
    Sad and free
    I can't cry and I can't see
    What I've done
    Oh God, what have I done?

    I poured my heart out
    I poured my heart out
    it evaporated...see?


    Blind man on a canyon's edge
    of a Panoramic scene
    Or maybe I'm a kite
    That's flying high and random
    Dangling on a string
    Or slumped over in a vacant room
    Head on a stranger's knee
    I'm sure back home
    They think I've lost my mind

    Here I stand
    Sad and free
    I can't cry and I can't see
    What I've done
    Oh God, what have I done?


    Current Mood: indifferent
    Current Music: Ben Folds Five
    Monday, April 19th, 2004
    3:11 pm
    When All is Said and Done -- Trapt
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    .
    .
    You have a chance to really shine now
    Well patience never was one of your true virtues
    Stop trying to control everything and fuck what they say
    What do you have to prove?


    So why am I waiting
    This time that I'm wasting
    If that's what you mean?
    So why am I waiting
    This time that I'm wasting
    If that's what you mean?

    How will this be when all is said and done?
    Will I know where I'm from?
    Remember me
    Where will I be?
    I guess I'm on the run
    And time is catching up behind me


    I'm scared to be the only one who sees
    The hourglass run dry
    'Cause too much time went by
    Why do I try to prove that I will be ready for everything thrown at me?

    So why am I waiting?
    This time that I'm wasting
    If that's what you mean

    How will this be when all is said and done?
    Will I know where I'm from?
    Remember me
    Where will I be?
    I guess I'm on the run
    And time is catching up behind me

    These thoughts trickle down, imaginary lines cut through the ground
    These thoughts trickle down, imaginary lines cut through the ground

    So why am I waiting?
    This time that I'm wasting
    If that's what you mean

    How will this be when all is said and done?
    Will I know where I'm from?
    Remember me
    Where will I be?
    I guess I'm on the run
    And time is catching up behind me

    Current Mood: indifferent
    Current Music: Trapt
    Friday, April 16th, 2004
    11:49 pm
    Head...Exploding...3...2..1.
    .
    .
    .
    2.) I hate myself. Physically. I hate everything about me. I'm short. I'm pale. And I have absolutely no figure whatsoever. My hair is a rat's nest. And my face doesn't look much better.

    All a guy wants to see is a tall blonde with DD breasts. And that's not me. I feel ugly. I am ugly. I could never catch a guy's attention. I'm not saying that that's all I care about, but a part of me does. A part of me sometimes wants my boyfriend to be able to look at me and say, "Wow, I have the prettiest girlfriend." Or for a guy that passes me to think, "Wow, she's hot."

    Everyone knows the stereotype women that guys drool over. Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson. They're all the same. And they're all the total opposite of me...

    I feel that a person couldn't possibly like me for who I am inside, because of the way I look outside.....

    I can't explain this one as well as the last. It's just... I want to be pretty. I want to be considered pretty. Or I don't want to care so fucking much...

    I know I sound shallow and superficial right now, but I would be lying through my teeth if I were to deny these feelings. There's more to me than this, but it just so happens that this is what makes me feel bad inside...

    Current Mood: depressed
    Thursday, April 15th, 2004
    10:58 pm
    Not to be blunt or anything, but my head is going to explode....
    .
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    1.) I feel like you are still in love with her. I don't know why, but I do. I mean, she's smarter than me, prettier than me, and way more talented than I am. Why wouldn't you still be in love with her? And I believed you then. When you told me she meant nothing to you. But as soon as we broke up, you were back by her side. You told me it was only to piss me off. But you went out with her way longer than that. What is a girl to think?

    All I can see is you two together. Walking in the park, talking about life. I see the two of you getting along so well, and laughing. Having meaningful conversations. Having a meaningful relationship. And then I see me. I'm not top in my class. I don't have a perfect face, or long hair. I can't draw or paint, and I never got more than a bit part in any play I ever tried out for. I cry. I say the wrong things. I don't know how to make you feel better....

    Look, I know I'm insecure, but this feeling goes way past that. I never bring it up because it's immature and stupid. But then again... Sigh... It's how I FEEL. I just want to know - To believe, that you care about me. And not her. But I don't know if there's any possible way you could do that.....
    .
    .
    .
    Fuck number 2....

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: It's in my head
    Monday, March 29th, 2004
    4:26 pm
    These Walls -- Trapt
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    Something missing, left behind
    Search in circles, everytime I try
    I've been here before
    I've seen you before


    I can't escape walking down these halls
    Hard to find a place where there are no walls
    And no lines begging me to cross
    Only straight ahead better move along

    Like clockwork, I commit the crime
    I pretend to be everything they like
    I've been here before
    I've seen you before

    I can't escape walking down these halls
    Hard to find a place where there are no walls
    And no lines begging me to cross
    Only straight ahead better move along

    And I trade everything for this
    Why do I read the writing on the wall

    I don't wanna lose my place in line
    I've been here too long, and I've spent too much time
    I don't wanna lose my place in line
    I've been here too long, and I've spent too much time


    Something missing, left behind
    Search in circles everytime I try
    I've been here before
    I've seen you before

    I can't escape walking down these halls
    Hard to find a place where there are no walls
    And no lines begging me to cross
    Only straight ahead better move along


    And I trade everything for this
    Why do I read the writing on the wall

    Current Mood: stressed
    Current Music: Trapt
    Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
    8:47 am
    "To Make you Feel my Love" -- Billy Joel
    .

    *Note: This is the most romantic song ever written or performed. If you haven't yet, you should listen to it. Many times.

    When the rain is blowing in your face
    And the whole world is on your case
    I could offer you a warm embrace
    To make you feel my love

    When the evening shadows and stars appear
    And there is no one there to dry your tears
    I could hold you for a million years
    To make you feel my love


    I know you haven't made your mind up yet
    But I would never do you wrong
    I've known it from the moment that we met
    No doubt in my mind where you belong

    I'd go hungy
    I'd go black and blue
    I'd go crawling down the avenue
    There's nothing that I wouldn't do
    To make you feel my love

    The storms are raging on the rolling sea
    And on the highway of regret
    The winds of change are blowng wild and free
    You ain't seen nothing like me yet
    I could make you happy
    Make your dreams come true
    There's nothing that I would not do
    Go to the ends of the earth for you
    To make you feel my love


    There is nothing that I wouldn't do
    To make you feel my love

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: Billy Joel
    Sunday, March 21st, 2004
    4:10 am
    Once Upon a Time in New York City
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    Now it's always once upon a time
    In New York City
    It's a big old, bad old, tough old town, it's true
    But beginnings are contagious there
    They're always setting stages there
    They're always turning pages there for you

    Ain't it great the way it all begins
    in New York City?
    Right away you're making time and making friends
    No one cares where you were yesterday
    If they pick you out you're on your way
    To a once upon a time that never ends


    So, Oliver, don't be shy
    Get out there, let go and try
    Believing that you're the guy
    They're dying to see
    'Cause a dream's no crime

    Not once upon a time
    Once upon a time in New York City


    If it's always once upon a time
    In New York City
    Why does nightfall find you feeling so alone?
    How could anyone stay starry eyed
    When it's raining cats and dogs outside
    And the rain is saying, "Now you're on your own"?



    So, Oliver, don't be scared
    Though yesterday no one cared
    They're getting your place prepared
    Where you want to be
    Keep your dream alive
    Dreaming is still how the strong survive
    Once upon a time in New York City


    Keep your dream alive
    Dreaming is still how the strong survive
    Once upon a time in New York City
    Keep your dream alive
    Dreaming is still how the strong survive

    Once upon a time in New York City
    And it's always once upon a time
    In New York City

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: Oliver and Company
    Saturday, March 13th, 2004
    7:12 pm
    "In your eyes, as we said our goodbyes..."
    Why can't I be how I want you to be?
    How can I expect you to say all these things
    If I refuse to say them myself?

    I want
    I need
    You to tell me that you want me
    To be around me
    I want
    I need
    You to show me you care

    I would tell you all of these things
    And more
    If I could
    If I could get over the fear of caring too much
    Of wanting too much

    I don't know why I don't want you to know these things
    Because god knows I would
    But even if you did say them
    Would I believe you?
    Or would I simply brush it off as a word
    As a phrase
    Just to make me happy


    ..........

    Maybe that's why I don't speak my mind as much. When it comes to relationships, anyway. Because I'm 1.) Afraid that it will completely freak the guy out. I mean, everyone knows how guys are when it comes to feelings and commitment, and 2.) Because I want what the guy says to be from the heart, and not have him say it simply because I said it first.

    A guy once told me that you cannot tell a person how much you care for them, you have to show them. Which, besides it being complete bullshit (an excuse, if you will) it just isn't true. Yes, there are many ways to show a person that you care for them, but words can mean just as much. I never asked for the moon, or the stars. And I never would. But I need that confirmation only words can bring. That maybe I'm doing something right. Something to make him want to be around me. Or talk to me. Or... Anything.

    I don't really know where I'm going with this. Not that I did when I started either. And for some reason, thinking about all this makes me feel empty inside. Things have been getting to me a lot more than they should lately. And I suppose this just happens to be one of them. I shouldn't think too much into it. And I shouldn't be the one telling myself this....

    Current Mood: Empty
    Current Music: RENT
    4:37 pm
    "I've longed to discover something as true as this is..."
    So I've decided... I'm a very hard girl to keep. I'm not saying that I'm difficult, or high-maintenance, but the fact of the matter is... I'm hard to keep. I can't seem to grasp the concept of an attachment to myself, or anything that has to do with me. I don't think it's low self-esteem persay, though that may have something to do with it. I simply need a little more *emotionally* to make me feel cared about.

    I sort of had this thought in my mind for a while now (try like 4 years), but I can forget about it.. Until I'm reminded in some way how convinced I am that this same thought is why my past relationships haven't worked.
    And also why I haven't had more.

    ..........

    There is so much that I wish I could tell you
    Feelings that I've had buried inside my soul
    The same soul that I've tried to deny any presence of
    Since the day we've met
    But I am scared
    Scared of having too many feelings and too fast
    Scared of never having those feelings reciprocated
    Correction
    I am scared of never feeling like they have been reciprocated

    I am terrified that
    Some day
    You will care for me
    That you'll... Love me
    And I won't be able to understand
    To believe


    ..........

    Nevermind.

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: RENT
    Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
    10:37 am
    "To starving for attention, hating convention....."
    Well, well, well. I'm all moved in to my new apartment. It's looking pretty good. I just need to get some pictures on the walls. And a cat. Ya, I need one of those. Oh, and a potato masher. I made dinner last night, and I had to mash the potatoes with a wisk. Good fun, let me tell you.

    Work has been alright, I guess. For some reason I've been feeling less and less capable at doing my job. It feels like I never get anything done. Or that I don't have enough time. Or something like that. I don't know. I just hope I can handle this.

    And then there's Dave. Not to make that sound bad or anything. Read it as you will. No. Dave and I are doing well. If only he'd more romantic. Like all those damn movies. Damn him! :) Not that I'm complaining or anything. He definitely treats me a lot better then some people, not to be mentioned here. I like Dave. That's all, I guess.

    Hmmm. I guess that's all that's going on in my life right now. I haven't been taking as many pictures as I would like to. Not that I've been doing anything picture worthy. I really should call a few of my old friends. get out more. I don't want to repeat the past or anything.

    And with that, I shall leave. Mom and I are going shopping today. For curtains. Yay! Bye.

    Current Mood: sick
    Current Music: RENT
    Monday, February 16th, 2004
    5:11 pm
    "I Go to Extremes" -- Billy Joel
    Call me a joker, call me a fool
    Right at this moment I'm totally cool
    Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
    I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
    Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
    I don't know how long this feeling will last
    Maybe it's only tonight

    Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes
    Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
    And if I stand or I fall
    It's all or nothing at all
    Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes


    Sometimes I'm tired, Sometimes I'm shot
    Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
    Maybe I'm headed over the hill
    Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
    Tell me how much do you think you can take
    Until the heart in you is starting to break?
    Sometimes it feels like it will


    Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes
    Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
    And if I stand or I fall
    It's all or nothing at all
    Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes

    Out of the darkness, into the light
    Leaving the scene of the crime
    Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
    Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
    Coming apart at the seams
    Eager to please, ready to fight
    Why do I go to extremes?


    Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes
    Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
    And if I stand or I fall
    It's all or nothing at all
    Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes

    Current Mood: cold
    Current Music: Billy Joel
    Saturday, February 14th, 2004
    10:14 pm
    .
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    don't back down
    I'm over the past
    can't you see
    don't back down
    I don't really care about before
    you met me
    .
    .
    .
    Strike that. Reverse it.

    Current Mood: restless
    Current Music: "What you own" -- RENT
    9:27 pm
    "Cause I've seen blue skies/through the tears in my eyes..."
    So. Life. About that. All I can say is that it's changing rather quickly. It's like a complete 180, and for the good.
    Past Kristin: Living with mom, no freedom, alone but still tied down, sales associate job making next to nothing at WalMart.
    Present Kristin: Moving into my studio next week, complete freedom, not alone and happy, department manager position taking home a sufficient paycheck from WalMart.


    I feel weird being so responsible. I mean, I'm 18. Shouldn't I be out partying and throwing away a couple years of my life? I tried to explain this to a few people, but nobody seems to understand me. But think about it. I have the same job as middle-aged men and women do, with college degrees. I've already been with the same company for almost 2 years. I could be an assistant manager making over 30K a year, in under 10 months. I'll be starting a 401K soon. I'll have my own place. Pay my own bills. And I'm 18. It just doesn't sit well with me. I'm glad this is happening and all, but I can't trust it. You know? Probably not. Sigh.


    I think I'm going to go play solitare now....

    Current Mood: calm
    Current Music: "Without You" -- RENT
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