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been a while [02 Oct 2003|04:43am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Tool ~ Sober ] Why do i even give a shit any more, i have nothing left in me that is good. I can only see things as negative, it doesn't matter how pure or beautiful something is, i find a way to spit on it or crush it. I hate the way my life is going now, i have no direction and no motivation. I wonder how some people get the courage enough to take their own lives. I dont know why suicide is such a tabboo topic in our world, its merely the escape for those who see no other way to go about things, its for the poeple whov'e tried evrything to do something, but nothing good has come of anything that they have done. I dont know where i could find that kind of courage to surendder my life, the thought of it doesn't really bother me at all, but i know when it comes time to make the cut or pull the trigger, i have no constitution and i end up thinking of how much better it would be if i had just done it. O well, seeing as how suicide is out of the question, i guess ill just stop beeing around people as much, no need to inflict my self destructive personality on others, and besides, i hate beeing around most people, especially the people whove said theyd be there forever for me, yet when i try to be with them as little as once a month or less, they have no time for me. NO TIME FOR ME HUH!!! WELL FUCK YOU!!!! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME NOW!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! YOU ARE NOTHING!!!! So if you think your one of those people(qualifications, you said youd be my friend forever, yet you only see me when its convenient for you, which is only like 1 every other month) then you are FUCKING DIRT TO ME!!!!!!! AND I NNNNNEEEEEVVVVVEEEERRRRR WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN, UNLEES ITS AT THE END OF A GUN THAT IM HOLDING!!!DIE!!!!!!! phew i feal better now that i know what was fucking me up, false friends fucking suck! post comment

just woke up...meh [20 Sep 2003|04:47am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Hennry -fucking!- Rollins ~ I know you ] Its been a while since i updated this, not sure how long, and i dont feal like looking at when the last entry was, so who cares? N E way, its been quite an uneventful week. I put in a few applications here and there, Mom reminds me every day how bad i fucked up by quiting my first job for my second job, only to get fired a month later. I couldnt have bee n more happy when they fired my ass though, i HATED that job with a passion that burns true in my soul. It's strange, my friends all say "in this amount of time im going to do such and such, and ill be blah blah blah" but myself; i cant see past what im doing rite now, im not sure if thats for better or for worse. Been a while since i just kicked back and chilled with some true friends though. Havent really done much with other people in a while, although i did ask a friend of mine to lunch, she fucking rules, shes one of those people who you know you could say anyhting to and wouldnt bat an eye at you in a derogatory way, im glad shes my friend, im better off having her as a friend than not, even if she thinx she has goofy specks. I wish i could find my way out though, i have to find what all this is fore. Im not sure i ever will piece it all together though. I dont see myslef wanting to be with anyone either, well there is the one person, but i could never tell her, i just dont know what would happen, and frankly, i dont think i wanna find out, actually; i know i want to find out, just to take the chance would be a big change in the way things are going rite now. I wish i could just tell her..." you know weve been friends for a while, and we get along real well together. I can't lie to myself anymore, you are the only person i want to be with and share things with, and i care for you more than you could possibly ever know." What do you think, should i do it and risk getting snuffed and lose the friendship?, or perhaps for once something turns out rite, and she says, i feal the same way about you, and now the friendship is THAT MUCH BETTER. I would love to be with her, im just not sure i have it in me, i think im gonna find out soon though, iv'e had enough of sitting by and dwelling on what if this or what if that, im just going to do it, i need her with me, and if i can't have her and be with her, then at least ill know it wasn't meant to be. O well, i guess thats all i really wanted to get off my chest tonite, or this morning, whenever it is, yeah....thats it....niters. post comment

nah, theres no subject. [03 Sep 2003|03:00am] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | tool~forty six and 2 ] You ever have a friend that youve known for a while, and they are so special to you; so much so that if they knew, it would probably endanger the friendship? Unfortunately, i do. I don't know why i never saw it before, it was such a subtle, yet at the same time intense realization of how strongly i care about this person. She could never know though, i dont know what i would do if she did. It would be extremely akward i think, but... i realllllly wish i could tell her. I just dont know how i would do it, not like it matters, she has not intrest in me except on a friendship basis, which i love, because she is so cool as a friend. I just wish i could tell her how awsome she is, and how she could be doing so much better, but who am i to judge who or what is better for someone else? I'll tell you who,... im no one to tell someone else something like that. I always think in my mind of how badly i fucked it up, coulda woulda shoulda though huh? Nothing i could do about it now, well... i COULD do something, but i just couldn't...wouldn't wanna dick up the friendship. And now every time i see her, i think of how beautiful she is, and how special she is to ME. And how i would love nothing more than to hold her in my arms and smell her hair and watch her sleep. But alas, this is the real world, and that would never happen, i don't think i deserve someone as trully ravishngly beautiful as her... fuck...this is a terrible fealing...i don't like it. On a different note, i wrote a little something today while i was bored, its kinda of what i think i would say if i ever had to break up with someone who used to care about me, but decided i suck. I dont think i would ever end up saying this to my friend thoug, if God ever grant that i should have courage and tell her how i really feal, any way... here it is.~ Blow me a kiss as you walk away, i thought of all the empty things you wold say. You never took the time to take me to heart, you never gave us a chance at the start. I took your excuses for far to long and heard you sing your lonely song, but that doesnt matter any more to me, your the dead spot in my heart... YOUR NOTHING TO ME!~ I like it, it was something to do today. o well, guess il go to bed, and lay awake and think about her... not like THATS gonna get me any where. Goodnite every 1. post comment

fuck you,cuz i fucking hate you. [26 Aug 2003|08:56pm] [ mood | irate ] [ music | System of a down-Metro ] Went to the mall(fuck the mall) with my cousin's fiance Ben today to see freddyVjasson. I never noticed how many beautiful, simply gorgeous girls are at the mall. There were some of the most ravishing women iv'e ever seen in my life at the mall today.... i mean.....wow. Any way, lets forget about those beautiful women that ill never be with and their rich fucking daddys who give them a porshe for every birthday, FUCK THEM AND THE PREP ASS MOTHER FUCKS THAT GAVE THEM LIFE. Fucking hell, if you don't see one person a day that youd like to smash their fucking face in with a brick your fucking lucky. Any way, got new tires for my car... bout time, them old shits were hurtin. You know who fucking sux..... DEFTONES. They fucking suck so bad, the only thing i asked santa for last year were that the deftones all get throat, lung, skin, ass, ball, dick and brain cancer. Chino's voice sounds like mike fucking jackson, he sounds like a fucking kiddy toucher... I WISH HE WOULD FUCKING DIE!!!!!! ARGHHHHHH!!! Im so angry i could just cry out in rage. O well,... this is the part where i wonder where my angel is... if she's ever going to save me from this world of shit and false hopes i live in, im not really so angry i dont think, im not sure, im just confused, no... im that angry i gues, i wish she was hear with me. i need her so bad... if your reading this and want to save me hun, just drop me a line, i need you so bad, i need some one... fucking tired of being alone. post comment

meh [22 Aug 2003|01:30am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Atreyu~ at least i know im a sinner ] Im about to go to bed, but i had t get some things off my mind first, im gonna do that now. Dear everyone, i hate it when you smile at me for no reason, i hate it when you laugh at my jokes, i hate it when you enjoy spending time with me, i hate it when you try to get close to me, i hate it when i look at you and am reminded of how badly i fucked up, i hate it that your their for me, i hate it when you want me around, i hate it when you toy and flirt with me, i hate it when your asking me questions, i hate it when you sit next to me, i hate it when you confide things in me, i hate it when i have no idea why your around me, i hate it when you tell me how great i am, i hate it when your happy, i hate it when your content, i hate it when your complete, i hate it when you look at me, i hate it when you give me hugs, i hate it when when you say stupid fucking things, i hate it when you try to comfort me, i hate it when you need me, i hate it when you ask me to go for a ride with you, i hate it when you cough, i hate it when you sneeze, i hate it when you preech, i hate it when you judge me, i hate it when you give me ideas with what i should do with my time, i hate it when you lie, i hate it when you make fun of others, i hate it when you dont get the punishment you so badly deserve, i hate it when you dress up, i hate it when you have a good time, i hate it when you try to get me to have a good time, i love it when you get hurt... i love that most of all. There i feel now, ot better not worse, but at least i feel. My cousin is getting married tommorw, i guess i would be happy for him if i wasn't so miserable, so fuck him and his twat of a bride. Why am i so emotionaly fucked? Im still waiting for you sweet-heart, and i know feeling like i do now, you'll never get neer me, but you are the only person that will be able to take all this pain away. God i wish i knew where you were, or who you are for that matter, im not even sure that your their anymore, i know the sooner i find you or you find me, i'll be complete, then i wont hate anymore, the only thing ill hate is being away from you, but your not here, so i hate, and i hate and i hate... i dont wanna hate any more. Thats it. post comment

WHY!!!!!!! [19 Aug 2003|07:41am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Me without you ~ gentlemen ] Every morning i wake up i think "this will be the day, were gonna take this life back and make it mine." Well fuck me and my positive thinking. Nothing i ever do seems to turn out the way i want it to. I havent seen my friends for the better part of two or three weeks, so thats real fucking fun. I havent had a job in about 3 weeks, so i feel super lazzzzzy and slugish, and my parents (mother) has made it aparent to me that i should get a new one as soon as posible, cuz "you have car insurance to pay and you need new tires" which is true, but id never tell her she's right. Still looking for my angel, but she is still looking to avoid me, so i guess i'll be alone today also, and prolly the day after and the day after and the week after and the month after and the year after till i realize ive spent all my time looking for someone to love me, even though i know that no one will ever love me like that, so im fucked i guess, yeah pretttttty sure im fucked... i wish i was brave enough to take my life. post comment

God knows what. [16 Aug 2003|04:50am] Taking some time off from life. Ive almost completely given up on the human race. We are doomed to fail in the long run, how humbling it is to know that it is inevitable that we have so little time left. I took some NyQuil little while ago, that shit fucks you up like perkacets, im almost 100% sure i wouldnt feal a dump truck running over me right now, feals good i think?.?.? i think im going to bed now, its 4:50 and i havent slept for about 30 hours, yeah, its sleepy time... niters. post comment

.... [16 Aug 2003|04:47am] bah post comment

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