i'll wait for you, but i can't wait forever's journal

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Saturday, December 11th, 2004
4:29 pm - i liked you better before you were naked on the internet
comparing to the last time that we had spoke it seems to
me that you're not happy like you used to be


FFTL, boysnightout, emery, and roses are red in TWO days! this excitment is going to make me explode.

♥ - Jalice

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Thursday, November 25th, 2004
10:24 pm - take

stand up fucking tall don't let them see your back. and take my fucking hand, never be afraid again.

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Friday, November 12th, 2004
6:28 pm

have i ever
told you
how much
i love you?

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6:28 pm
<*marquee style="color:#1874CD;filter:wave(add=10, phase=1, freq=2, strength=55)" scrolldelay="30" height="300" width="100%" direction="up">
have i ever
told you
how much
i love you?

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Sunday, September 26th, 2004
8:59 pm - wake me up when september ends
my september is ruining everything i ever loved about autumn. i used to love autumn, wait patiently for it each year, and now i just can't wait for winter.

i've hurt perhaps one of the only people who cares about me twice this month, and she cares about me so much the each time she pretends its ok when i know she'd rather scream "i told you so" in my face. if it weren't for september, i wouldn't have hurt her the second time. here's the rundown: if it weren't for september, it wouldn't have been mike's birthday and he wouldn't have had a party, and i wouldn't have met a boy at the party and i wouldn't have done dumb things with him and i wouldn't have hurt ash. i've had way too much time to think about this. i was just sick of being alone. and for one night, i wasn't. i never knew she liked him that much..untill i really thought about it. but i barely knew him, and he meant nothing to me, he's not the boy i want. he doesn't make my heart beat when we kiss. i was numb to all feeling, yet i did it anyway, and i regret nothing more than that one night to this day.

lately, i've been taking long walks in the middle of the night. and it reminds me of august when a boy was walking me home. it was freezing, and he was holding my hand, and he told me it smelt like october. he said that october only held bad memories for him, i will never forget the smell of that night. everywhere i have gone since that night smells like october..and i've finally figured out what the distinct smell of october is to me. october smells like broken hearts, you can smell the ashes of a burnt out heart - the smouldering remains of a relationship. you can smell the longing of broken souls, just wanting to be wanted - to be needed. feelings are freezing over, preparing for three months of hibernation. and everything is changing. and now, i take these long walks through the city with no one walking me home. its still freezing, and no one's holding my hand..and it smells like october everywhere.

i just hope october turns out better than september..i hope it smells like june in october, because i felt invincible then.

"please listen to me october
things will be a little different
things will be a little different
this september now when nights are long
let me have this one last dance"


current mood: pessimistic
current music: greenday - "wake me up when september ends"

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Friday, August 6th, 2004
10:13 pm - god save the queen, the fascist regime
i just sunck out of my house to meet keven at vista. i got druuuunk. it was fun but i'll probbly regret it tomorow. maybe. he kept asking if i'd make out with him. i wanted to make out, but not with him. then i siplt my bottle on the ground and it dripped to my asss. my pants smell like tequila. mmmmmmmm. i freakd out because i didnt want my mom to smell what i had been donig. me and keven layed and watched the lightning and drank. some yummyfullness-wonderful-incredible-fantastic-delicious stuff he made. it had: rum, tequila, 100 proof vodka, triple sec, everclear, and irish cream. it was the best thing ever.

so far today, i've broken three promises to myself.

1 - keven
2 - sneaking out
3 - drinking

and i don't regret a damn thing. i enjoyed myself, and laughed. and it was fun. i need more ufn in my life. lots more.

current mood: drunk
current music: sex pistols \\m//

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
2:32 pm - i would walk 500 miles, and i would walk 500 more
here's some pictures from the last two weeks. warning: there are a lot of pictures behind this cut.
to be the girl who walked a 1,000 miles to fall down at your door )

ps - i'm leaving today for my dad's untill sunday. i'll be inactive for a few days, but i'll come back i swear!

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Monday, July 19th, 2004
9:24 pm - "you're just jealous because we're young and in love"
is it wrong of me to become jealous when my sister calls me today and tells me how in love she is with her boyfriend? and then to become even more jealous when my sister is trying to find the definition of love on the internet because she thinks she's in love? right now, i want nothing more than to fall in love. there's no specific person i want to be in love with, i just want to be in love again, because when i'm in love, i'm happy and carefree and i feel the way i wish i felt 24/7. i wish i had someone to cuddle with and dance with in the rain and kiss when its lightening. i miss having someone to call mine. thats all i want right now.

on saturday morning, mike told freddy and vincent that he was going to try to pursue me sometime during the concert. but then joe showed up, and mike thought he was there for me. when he was really there for ashley. so nothing happened, and mike ended up not talking to me for the rest of the day. go figure. i mean, there are certain things that i don't like about him..but seeing all those gorgeous mohawked couples at the concert made me want that even more. i miss mike so unbelievably much and just to think that there might be the chance there that we can be together again..and i know all of my friends are going to say that i am making the worst mistake over and over again...but its what i want and i won't expect any of them to be there for me if something wrong happens because i know they don't want me to go through with it..but i just need to be with someone right now. i need someone to save me from myself.

by the way - the concert was the most incredible day of my entire life. i'll write more about it later. but when i found out that it could have potentially been better if joe hadn't have shown up.....my heart sunk and i wish i could re-do the day i told joe he should come.

the thoughts in my head are going to be the death of me one day. le sigh.

current mood: disappointed
current music: the misfits - only make believe

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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
12:16 am - good tymes last fo eva
that S7even E11evens R HxC Mutha Fucka

thug lyfe, baby

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
10:27 am
HASH(0x88610c4)
Masochist


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

i don't like it. it likes me.

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Sunday, July 11th, 2004
6:09 pm - i love you more than anyone, even though you're an ass
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHALLIS! for your birthday i give you a million and one scene points. that almost makes you as cool as me, but not quite. damn you for being gone in arizona. wtf dude? anyways, i love you lots and you know it.

<3

ps: shex representin' the 7-11's fo sho, ya bitch.

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Friday, July 2nd, 2004
12:21 am - you're so vein
starfuckers, inc )

current mood: cheerful
current music: nine inch nails - starfuckers, inc.

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Thursday, July 1st, 2004
11:17 pm - this is exactly what i've been waiting for
mike = everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore
me = everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you!

everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
i think that its just mainly that i suck at relationships
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
i get all confucked
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
you dont suck at relationships. trust me, i know. sometimes relationships just dont work out.
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
naww i think its partly me because i say stupid shit
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
you dont say stupid shit, and if you did i never realized it. people break up, it happens. its a part of life. some relationships just suck more than others
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
see but they are no good really
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
they just fuck people up
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
well if your relationship with me fucked you up, im sorry. that whole thing was just not necesary.
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
no i dont know why it turned out the way it did but it didnt fuck me up
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
i dont know why it turned out that way either, but im glad as hell i didnt fuck you up.
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
yeah and i hope i didnt fuck you up
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
one thing that i wish didnt happen is that we stopped fucking talking man
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
you didn't fuck me up, just made me confused. and hell yeah, not talking sucked. i miss just having fun, being good friends.
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
what is the deal with kevin
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
he called me a backstabber
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
he made me feel like shit man
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
hes stupid, thats his deal. why did he call you a backstabber?
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
he says i wasent to him but that i was to you... because i broke your heart... and im really sorry if i did i really am... i never meant to i may have made some shitty decisions... i fuck man i just feel like shit
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
when i heard that i realized that i may not be the best guy in the world and im really sorry
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
first of all, it isnt his place to tell you that, if i wanted you to know i would have told you. you did really hurt me, but i still don't want you to feel like shit about it. whats done is done and its in the past, i'd give anything just to be friends again. and you may not think you're the best guy..but i thought so when we were dating.
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
if we can just drop everything in the past..i'd really like that. just to be friends again.
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
yeah
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
i just wanted to say im sorry...
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
well, thank you..because that really means a lot to me mike.
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
i just didn't realize how much of an ass i had been and i wanted to try to set things right and im glad you are willing to put the shit behind us
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
now that i look at it, you weren't an ass. i was just really caught up. i've wanted to try to get things right for so long..but i didnt know what you'd do. and i think that putting this behind us will just make thinsg better. because not being friends is the lamest thing ever
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
i will call you sometime i got a new cell and the #is 4408529.
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
ok. im going to be gone untill monday. but i'll call you then or something
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
and please do call me when you get back
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
and well hang out
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
i will
everything i say is misquoted and used against me - well, fuck you! says:
i swear
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
ok buh bye
everything is the same you love i hate well i guess i dont care anymore says:
if you dont call me welll welll shit ill proably just call you

there's just these days where everything that goes wrong does, but it doesnt matter. because i finally heared what i needed to hear. and it makes me feel so much better.

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Saturday, June 26th, 2004
9:53 pm
pictures, meow! )

current mood: ecstatic
current music: a static lullaby

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Friday, June 25th, 2004
2:43 pm - give me hugs





*HUGS* TOTAL!
give heart_descends more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

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12:26 pm - "follow your star"
this whole situation with mike has done nothing but tear me up inside for the past few days. i mean, i can't be his rebound anymore. but of course, everyone just wants their first love to come back. i decided that i had to do some interpreting of what all of this means. i had a tarot reading done. i think that tarot cards are so spiritual and meaningful that i thought it was the only way i could find out if there's a different meaning to everything thats happening. the cards turned out like this:

self: queen of cups
the loved one: temperance
situation: justice
advice: ace of swords
potential: the star

all of the interpretations don't make very much sense to me. but the ones that worked out the most into this situation were the justice and the star cards. the justice card says that things need to be re-evaluated and adjusted with a clear, calm head. things have to be done logically and sensibly and to fit the situation. the star card is what intrigued me. the story is of this girl kneeling over a stream and pouring water into it so that the fool may drink. she fills it up so there is enough. the girl knows why the fool is sad, and is there to offer what he needs. she shows him how to bring hope and happiness back into his life, she points out his star and tells him to follow it because it will lead him where he needs to be. but then, she fades away. out of his life, but the star restores his heart and gives him a little bit of hope. and someday when he has lost hope and his heart is torn, they'll meet again so she can point out his star.

i don't know if anyone found that to relate to this situation the way that i do, but it brings so much more meaning to this whole situation. and perhaps, a little bit of closure. the star translates to a change of a current situation for the better, maybe not immediatly but sometime in the future. the stars purpose is to reveal the future.



current mood: pleased

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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
5:31 pm - you remind me of a song i used to love
"Your Song"

Tonight I'd rather be in love
rather it was you flowing through my blood
scraping through my veins my everything
and you cling to every thread
that clings to me


I live in notes and photographs
and everything I'm holding back
but you're the words that weren't enough
you remind me of a song I used to love

I couldn't call you if I wanted
my fingers couldn't work if they tried
they're so sore from keeping crossed
and tracing over cuts on my worthless arms
if I said "I hated the feeling" it would be a lie

I live in notes and photographs
and everything I'm holding back
but you're the words that weren't enough
you remind me of a song I used to love x2

you remind me of a song I used to love

current mood: gloomy
current music: jamisonparker - your song <3

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1:45 am - this is exactly what i've been waiting for.
i had my first driver's ed class today and it was super lame because my instructor is vietnamise and i coudln't understand what he was telling me. hopefully i get it tomorrow. my mom came and got me way late so i had to sit outside and roast. fun stuff. we showed up at rachel's house and my mom fought with raquel to let rachel come over. my mommy won. w00t.

ash a lee button and my cousin candyce came over after we got home. it was lame at first because mercedies and rachel didn't want to do anything. so we left them and met up with challis, danny, troy, eric, and dallas.we got snowcones and loitered in the parking lot because i wouldn't by challis a box. if i by a box, its going to be for me damnit. not challis.

when we got home, mike called and said he was on his way over. so we met him at vista and lit sparklers and chased eachother around. but the dipshit had to leave. seeing him was most definently weird, but i didn't figure out what was going on untill he left and challis told me that courtney broke up with him a couple weeks ago. and then suddenly everything made perfect sense. the only time he comes back into my life any more, is when he breaks up with someone or gets dumped. im sick of being his damn rebound girl. but of course i can't turn my back, so we're gunna have to see where this one goes.

we got back here and hung out with laura and this guy named chris. he was a neat guy and he had the hots for laura. it was funny. then we called zack and he met us at vista around 11:30. we were all hanging out, but then james had to piss. so while he's in the bush he starts hearing noises from the hill up ahead and he swears he sees someone waving at us. it took forever for him to convice all of us, but it finaly worked. zack hopped the fence and looked around and didn't see anything. but when we were walking back, a cop pulled into the parking lot. he got out and questioned us and told us to run home so he wouldnt have to take us. yaaaaaaaaay. that was close. but then when we were walking off, we saw the guy walking down the hill. that tripped me out majorly.

we came back here and played truth or dare with laura and james. laura bit my elbow. it hurt. but i dared james to kiss candyce, and he ran off and ruined the game. stupid 13 year old.

now im here reflecting on my super fantastic day. i sure hope that the rest of summer is as fun as all this. it will rock.

peace the hell out.

current mood: crazy
current music: infomercial<3

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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
12:09 am - so, can i not be your best friend anymore?
why is it that just when you think you're over him, just when everything seems normal again, just when you think he's finally gone...he walks back into your life?

current mood: shocked

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Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
3:33 am - tell me that you'll wait for me
troy's back safe and sound. this is good. he took off about two weeks ago *the day after i dyed his hair* he was having family problems so he ranaway and stayed with someone if blanding. he cut his hair off with a pocket knife. mike says he's in really bad shape. we might hang out within the next couple of days to try to cheer him up. he needs it. poor kid. he called me yesterday and said that he missed me a lot and if it weren't for his friends, he wouldn't have come back. i was really worried about him because he left a suicide note and everything. but now i now things are going to be ok..at least for a while.

challis says:
hi
challis says:
its challis
jalice says:
hey challis
challis says:
when did you get back from your dads?
jalice says:
yesterday morning
challis says:
cool, im glad you're back. i hate when you're gone.
challis says:
but, i'm off to bed
jalice says:
sleep well
challis says:
sorry i'd like to talk to you but i spent a shit load of time working on a bike
jalice says:
its fine, we'll just talk tomorrow
challis says:
love la tons and all that mushy jibber jabber. just so you know.
i am fun, but i am cleaning up so well. im seeing in my now the things you swear you saw yourself. says:
love ya too challis

i like to think that challis is getting back to himself. and that makes me happy, because that is the challis i know and love. the one that will get on at 3:00 am just to tell me he loves me. if only more people knew challis like that, he'd actually get some action.

mike hates being idolized by all the gc dope fags, so we're going to take them out. he is my hitman after all. i get to drive the getaway car. YAAAAAAAAAY! also, mike said i could kill him. and that if anyone is to kill him he wants it to be in this order: me, troy, challis. this just puts way too many options in my hands.

current mood: loved

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