[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Thursday, August 25th, 2005|
Let's not shit ourselves.
In the morning when you throw up water and your skin turns that pale, pale yellow but every day you lose more color. Do you think that someone paints your mirror? You think that things sound different at the time when you speak. There are visions much clearer than these blurs that you see. Like Neely O'Hara, you swallow your sleep. You wake up in the morning to find out you are not who you used to be. You don't recognize behavior or the spelling of your name. The shape that's in the mirror, you swear it's not the same. Like Neely O'Hara, you swallow your sleep. You really can't remember but you know you are not who you used to be.
You say that there's spaces open and wide. Believe me, there are days longer than nights. You will be happy the minute you try, but you don't try. You speak of a fever that burns you inside as you explain to your mother how you wanted to die. So she kisses your fingers, says "My darling, but why? There is so much more. Do you know there are spaces open and wide? Oh believe me, there's days longer than nights. You will be happy if only you try. Oh won't you try?"
I can proudly boast that I know every single lyric to every single Bright Eyes song ever. The unreleased, the Commander Venus stuff, the Christmas stuff, all of it.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Every Bright Eyes song ever.
|Wednesday, August 17th, 2005|
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes.
I want to take this time to talk about myself.
When I was six years old, I saw this woman get stabbed to death about a yard away from where I was sitting. This has had a lasting effect on me, and it's probably why my biggest fear is of being murdered.
I like to do the following things at my house when I'm alone: walk around in high heels, dress up, dance to Ratatat, take bubble baths while listening to Blondie really loud, watch trashy shows on the television, and salsa dance.
My goodness, I really really really miss all of my friends from camp. It's ridiculous how much I love them. Tomorrow, I'm going back to camp from 1-4 to work the rappelling tower for a bunch of college kids from Wayland Baptist University.
I just talked on the phone to Derrick Clifford Brown for a full hour, and he's my BFF. I kid you not.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how freaking weird the human body is. I mean, have you ever considered the brain? How about the skeleton? It freaks me out. Five minutes ago, I downloaded "So Fresh, So Clean" as my ringtone, so you should call me so I can dance for a minute.
Oh my gosh, I'm a terrible friend. I'd advise you all to not be my friend because I'm really unreliable, and I can't stop being unreliable.
By the way, I'm selling my brand new blue Ipod Mini for $200, which is $14 less than what I paid for it. Since I start college in a little over a week, I need money to pay for my books and for a good 35 mm camera (I'm a photography major without a camera, go figure).
Yeah, I'm writing an astounding screenplay and no, you can't be in it. I'm going to be in a fashion show for Tony and Guy, how cool is that?! I think I'll stop eating. I think I'll stop eating so much, not completely.
Austin, here I come!!!!
I kind of miss the old days where Ira was my best friend and we would travel a long ways to go see hard core bands. Now he's all famous and stukka while I'm still here in Amarillo. Blah.
Wowie wow! I can't wait to get tattoos. Being 18 is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me, no joke. I saw this one girl that I was best friends with the other day, and she just made me really grateful for all that I have. She was wearing just a big white t-shirt, she had no shoes, her hair was all crazy like, and she was obviously strung out. She was using the pay phone at this crappy convenience store in the ghetto, and she didn't look healthy. God, that really depressed me. Why did we turn out so differently? I know that I'm destined for greatness, but is she? Where is that fine line?
Man, I really wish someone would call me so that I can hear my phone ring. My eyes are burning...probably because I haven't taken my contacts out in three days straight. I hear that it's really bad to do that, but I live on the edge. Duh.
Jordan R. and his failed relationship just makes me so sad, he deserves to be really happy. If I could uninvent sadness, I would do it. Well, then we'd all be like car salesmen or real estate agents, but you know what I mean.
I want to be impressive. I want people to like me, and I've heard that wanting that is really stupid. What's wrong with wanting that? Does anyone want to explain that to me? I would probably give you a hug or a high five if you could tell me why that's such a terrible thing to want. So get on it.
I like to move it move it. I like to move it move it.
I bet you feel really gay for reading all this. Sucka.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: "Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis" by Brand New
|Saturday, August 13th, 2005|
Leave the worried look on your lover's face...
Goodness, reading over my first two entries-I really sound like a stupid high school girl. We're going to ignore the fact that I myself happened to be a high school girl only two months ago...but I start college in two weeks, so that counts for something.
Tonight, I bought this months issue of Flaunt magazine and it only makes me want to get back into fashion 10x more. Boyfriend and I were talking about how easy it is to model, and you make so much money from it that it's probably the best job ever. I remember the first time I did an add, I got a very very nice chunk of change from it and all I had to do was stand there. So hopefully, when I move to Austin in December, there will be a better industry of fashion than there is here in Amarillo.
I discovered today that I like to drive around downtown on rainy days, listening to classical music with the windows down. It was an incredible feeling. Listening to the "Royal Tenenbaums" soundtrack gave it a nice, magical touch that made me feel unreal, which is one of my favorite feelings to have.
There was this part of me tonight that really wanted to drink a little bit, which is weird considering I've never had a drink in my life. Maybe it was the rainy weather, maybe it was because I was listening to Tilly and the Wall, maybe it was because I felt invincible...whatever it was, it was a weird feeling that I just can't shake. Part of me also wanted to curse a lot, something else I never ever do. I just wanted to have a drunk potty mouth tonight. Also, a huge part of me wants to be kissing a really cute boy while standing in the middle of the wet streets. God, how did I turn into such a weirdo? Perhaps I should lay off the Red Bulls.
I've thought about it all night, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm the most vain, self-centered, arrogant girl in the entire world. Good for me.
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Everything Must Belong Somewhere" by Bright Eyes
Every breath is a bomb.
Yeah, so I just spent the entire day with boyfriend. Not only did we have the most boring conversations while doing the most boring things ever, but he could tell that something was wrong with me-so he kept drilling me with all these questions that really just pissed me off. For instance:
Boyfriend: "Are you happy?"
Boyfriend: "Are you sure? You don't seem too happy when you're around me."
Me: "I'm sure."
Boyfriend: "What are you thinking about?"
Me: "Not much really."
Boyfriend: "It seems like you have a lot on your mind..."
Me: "Nope, just listening to this song."
Boyfriend: "Are you sad?"
This went on the entire day, and yours truly would give anything to be anywhere else with anyone else...
Good news: Tomorrow, I'll be going to the Flea Market with the always stylish DinDin, maybe we'll have lunch and everyone will be jealous of how good we look. Also, tomorrow night I'll be at the movies with Jon and Gabby watching "The Skeleton Key". Exciting, eh? Hopefull, I won't have to spend too much time with boyfriend tomorrow, because that would really just put a damper on things now wouldn't it?
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: "Every breath is a bomb" by the Blood Brothers
|Friday, August 12th, 2005|
I think that it's a sign that my relationship has gone sour when I find myself wishing that my boyfriend would start to hate me. I could be wrong, but I'm just saying...I think we took a wrong turn somewhere.
Every time that he kisses me, I cringe and it's getting really hard to hide it. Every time he touches me, I pull away in disgust. Every time that he brings up our future, my heart hurts because...I don't want a future with him.
You'd think that maybe after two years of being in this relationship, I would only learn to love him more but it's the complete opposite. I can't even laugh at his freaking jokes anymore, nothing about him amuses me or excites me in any way, and I'm starting to hate him. Isn't that awful?
So what brought all of this on, you ask. Ask and you shall recieve, my lovelies:
Jessica Simpson said once that she would pray to God for someone who would take her breath away when she'd hug him, someone who would make her absolutely weak in the knees. She said that when that guy came along, she'd know that he was the one for her. Now I know that she's not exactly 'wise' or anything, but I really liked the way that sounded so I've prayed for the same thing.
On August 2nd, you could say that my breath was stolen and my knees were weakened! This little heart inside of my chest was skipping beats like I skip class (frequently)! To borrow a line from a Silverstein song, I broke both of my legs falling for this boy. For the rest of the week, I had a real reason to get out of bed. We sang Jack Johnson songs together, played basketball in the rain, spooned (in an innocent, completely dressed way), drank countless cups of coffee, sat around a bonfire while looking up at the stars, and talked about Alaska. On Thursday night, I stayed up all night thinking about him and how he was leaving for Mexico the next morning. I prayed for at least an hour, and asked God if I could please have this boy. God told me that in order to get the desires of my heart, I would have to be pro-active. He wasn't going to just give me this boy, I had to do some things myself. So I did. I woke him up at six in the morning and we sat on the edge of Palo Duro Canyon and watched the sun come up, and we talked about everything two people could ever talk about while watching that gorgeous sunrise. An hour later, he was gone and that's the last time I saw him.
Maybe I'm romanticising it, but it was the most perfect week of my life. Just thinking about him and that week makes me feel sick with missing him...
When I think of the future that boyfriend has planned out for us, I can easily replace boyfriend's presence with this God send of a boy I met last week...and it makes me ten times happier that way. I've asked God to please remove this desire I have to be with him if he's not who I should be with, but the desire grows everyday. Now I'm praying that boyfriend will start to hate me so that we can just end this, because he won't understand otherwise...
"I wanna hang on to something that won't break away or fall apart like the pieces of my heart."
What's a girl to do?
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: "Said Sadly" by James Iha and Nina Gordon