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Blurty for These may be memories.......
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| Friday, December 12th, 2003 |
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"there's something about you but i just cant put my finger on it right now maybe its the fact that you lie or just that i believe you stop smiling because i know what you're feeling you're jealous because he's not around its hard knowing you're not miss perfect anymore youre not perfect youre shit to me i can't even be around you anymore i hope you fall flat on your face and no one notices while the rest of the world steps on you you'll feel like youre nothing what a loss but you're everything to someone just not me." ^ got those out of somethingartsy's blurty. She's on my friends page coz she sounds cool :-) Sadness: I can barely breathe, it hurts to talk + swallow, I can't hear anything, it hurts to move, + I might not be able to go to the RPW show tomorrow. Happiness: {convo between me + Jim} FAiTH 24 206: lol, well i need a guy who knows when i need someone to just be there for me, and not try to be macho and show emotion sometimes. DeuceToTheMaxi think i could be that guy FAiTH 24 206: :-) good DeuceToTheMax: aren't you gonna ask about what kind of girl i like/want FAiTH 24 206: haha what kind of girl do you like/want? DeuceToTheMax: YOU FAiTH 24 206: awww!!! that's all for now. More tomorrow perhaps... |
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| Tuesday, December 9th, 2003 |
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Hey homies, don't judge these poems, k? They come from the heart. So yeah. They mean a lot to me + it would be nice if I either a. Got compliments on them, or b. Didn't have anything mentioned to me about them. So here goes. Doesn't mean they're all true, but the second one definitely is. The first is semi-true. 1. The Inner Cut As that first, hard blade hits The soft skin on my wrist, Begins to bleed and cry. The scars on the outside, Well they will fade in time, But the ones on the inside remain. Every time I put the razor to my skin, I feel my heart and soul die within, But no matter how many times this happens, I still cut. Every one thinks that I do it for sympathy, I can't believe that you think that little of me. If I did it for attention, would I try to hide it? These scars I try to hide, Even though they injure my pride, But I just can't stop. One day, I will be strong enough to quit, But until then, I have to admit, That all I need is YOU. 2. Who We Were I remember all the times we shared, Back when we were young. We walked around without a care And were so deeply in love. All the times we stayed up talking, Just content with hearing the other. We were happy just with walking, And nothing could take that away. When we started to drift apart, I didn't know what to think. It was cutting and ripping at my heart, And I knew to you, it was the same. I knew that I'd never forget you, And I hoped that you wouldn't forget me. If you're asking if I love you still, the answer is I do, Sorry to say you can't say the same. Well the weeks turned to months, then years, And I can't believe I didn't stick around. I've been counting the minutes and my tears, Hoping you'll come back to me. I wish I could take back what I did, And everything that I said to you. Everything except, "I love you" And, "I care about you." I hope that some day you find That special someone that makes you happy. I still wish everyday that I could call you mine, But you're not willing for that chance... Funniness:: (Jay + me) AFgangsta86 (6:46:09 PM): i get blown off FAiTH 24 206 (6:46:15 PM): you wish :-P AFgangsta86 (6:46:21 PM): not like that FAiTH 24 206 (6:46:22 PM): O:-) Lyrics of the day:: "Bike Scene" -Taking Back Sunday I’ll leave the lights down low So she knows I mean business And maybe we could talk this over Cause I could be your best bet Let alone your worst ex And let alone your worst... I wanna hate you so bad But I can’t (but I can’t) stop this Anymore than you can So honestly, how could you say those things When you know they don’t mean anything And you know very well That I can’t keep my hands to myself, Hands to myself I wanna hate you so bad But I can’t (but I can’t) stop this Anymore than you can This is all wrong and it shows There’s certain things I promised not to let you know, (I’ve got a silly way of keepin you up on the edge of my seat, I’ve got a silly way of keepin you up on the...) Not to let you know I never let you, never let you, never... You’ve got this silly way Of keeping me on the edge of my seat But you’re only counting the clock against the train And I’m miserable, oh (I’ve got a silly way of keepin you up on the edge of my seat, I’ve got a silly way of keepin you up on the...) And you’re just getting started I’m miserable, oh And you’re just getting started You’ve got me right where you want me (let’s never talk) let’s never talk, let’s never, Let’s never talk about this again because... I didn’t want it to mean that much to me I didn’t want it to mean that much to me I didn’t want it to mean that much to me I didn’t want it to mean that much to me Anyway... yeah |
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| Monday, December 8th, 2003 |
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Hello there, faithful blurty fans! I haven't updated in a while, I know. Colin pressured me to update last night, haha. But he still hasn't updated his easyjournal! Colin!! I'll havta come over to your house + beat you over the head with Brian :) haha. Seriously though, I need to come over! Coz yeah, I miss you + your family! When's the last time I saw your mom? (who is my second mom) It was like, months ago. Gr, that's a long time!! Ok, basically this entry is to satisfy Colin, so I'll only put a few things in here. Saturday = RPW show. It rocked my socks off. Me + Kayleigh went + I met a guy (oo, big news there, hahaha). His name is Jim, + today he picked me up after school + met my friends + we drove around for a while. It was fun. But anyway, back to the RPW show. The Amazing Technicolor Dreamboats vs. Big N Tasty: scary fuckin match right there. At the end, when Jake hit the table from the top of the ladder in the ring, I sreamed. Haha, I came running over as soon as the match was over. Everyone was shouting, "Please don't die, please don't die." I got tears in my eyes coz Amy told me Jake was knocked unconcious. So I was (naturally) worried as all hell. He got up though. When I think about it, it still makes me cry. I'm such a loser. When I screamed when Jake fell on the table, everyone around me looked at me, haha. It was an involuntary scream. To me, that fall wasn't just physical. But who the hell am I to determine that?? I don't even know him any more, sorry to say. Speaking of Jake, he won't even talk to me now. Can you guys imagine how much that hurts? It kills me. I saw him on Saturday for the first time in a while, + when I saw him, I got teary eyed. Thanks for helping me out Kayleigh :) ily hun! It's just like....idk. I'm trying so hard to get over him. I really, really, truly am. It's totally not working well. Big suprise there. Anyway, back on subject. Colin wrestled!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I <3 my Colin so so so so so much!!! We're like, best friends. He did SO well, I loved it. I took so many great pictures of his match + the TLC match. Haha, Trevor caught Charisma's boxers, + put them on! Then, when the crutch was broken on (I forgot his name) some guys back, Jim + Trevor caught like, two pieces of it. Haha, awesome stuff there. Amy + Eddie + I also made ammends. I was never upset with either of them. It's in the past. We can still be friends. They're cool people, really, and they're so cute together! Sweet Lou is my hero. He saw that albino chick and he goes, "aaaHHHhhhA!" It was hilarious!!!!! He also let me feel his stretchy pants, lol, they were fun! He goes, "Note to self: never let this girl touch my pants again!" If I'm lucky, my mom will convince my dad to let me go to the RPW show this Saturday with Julie + Brittany. Keep your fingers crossed!! I LOST 5 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, this is the part of my blurty where I just randomly say things about myself. If you don't wanna know about the inner person I am, then DON'T READ IT. That's a fair warning. If you like the image I put out every day, then totally, DO. NOT. READ. IT. There. Now it's all up to you. I'm so fat. I hate this. My goal is to lose 20 more pounds. Then I'll be happy. My wrists are pretty bad. I have about 15 cuts on my left wrist covered by a NFG wrist band, + about 12 cuts on my right wrist covered by a bandaid. Kayleigh + Brittany saw them + got SO mad at me. I definitely didn't want Jim to see, hence the bandaid thing. It's no one's fault really, it's my fuckin bi-polarity. It sucks. The pills I take fuck me up even worse sometimes. But, what can I do? Not much. On Sunday, I was honestly just laying in bed waiting for God to take me. I was just like, "Why take Matt when you could of had me? My life isn't worth living." I was just waiting for it to be all over. Yanno how SICK I am? I have this written diary, + when I cut myself, I let the blood drip onto the paper. That's just...sick. Even I can admit that. Ok here's some ranting:: (I doubt anyone's even reading this far down, haha) FUCK YOU OMG I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT ANYMORE!!!!!! EVERY DAY IT'S SOMETHING NEW, YOUR FRIENDS PISS ME OFF, + EVERYTHING YOU DO MAKES ME MAD. But what am I supposed to do? Leave you when you're going through this? Didn't think so, Mark. Geeeeezuz. Ok, that's all for now. Lyrics of the day:: "Against My Better Judgement" - Further Seems Forever With starving appetites for arguments you remind me of a secret I was never supposed to tell. The time is over, the verdicts in: Everybody's right, everybody wins The time is over, the verdicts in: Everybody's right, everybody wins Didn't you know you were a saint, what a shameful fall from grace But I'll catch you, I'll catch you Everybody's waiting for that something they can hold onto while tripping over our own words to self-dug graves for an excuse to fall Becuase every failure's just as sweet as the last The time is over, the verdicts in: Everybody's right, everybody wins The tims is over, the verdicts in: Everybody's right, everybody wins Didn't you know you were a saint, what a shameful fall from grace But I'll catch you, I'll catch you Everybody's waiting for that something they can hold onto while tripping over our own words to self-dug graves for an excuse to fall Becuase every failure's just as sweet as the last As a dream comes when there are many cares so the speech of a fool when there are many words the sun it misses summer in winter. Didn't you know we wear the same pretentious name lets trade for awhile i'm so curious Everybody's waiting for that something they can hold onto while tripping over our own words to self-dug graves for an excuse to fall Becuase every failure's just as sweet as the last |
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| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003 |
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So instead of being at school right now, I'm home. I needed to stay home, because: 1. I needed a sick day (my head/throat hurts) + 2. My mommy + I needed a girls day. Ok remember the last entry when I said my mom doesn't understand me? Well that's all changed. We talked about things (including my cuts) + she really helped me. She sat with me when I cried, she came in this morning to wake me up for school + I was crying so she sat there with me for 25 minutes + decided to let me stay home. It's the first time I've been absent this year. So anyway, we did a lot today. I helped her make this craft for a kid's breakfast with Santa Mouse, + we played video games. Then we went to McDonalds for lunch, + then we came home. I took a shower while she made my favorite dessert (oatmeal butterscotch brownies...mmm). Speaking of oatmeal, that's what I had to eat this morning. + brown sugar. I was in Heaven. Today I have to work from 3-5 up at the animal shelter. Fun stuff: feeding bitchy cats + cleaning their crap. Then there's dealing with the people that come in, who are sometimes so mean + annoying. But I get to help socialize the kittens, which is a big plus. We have 2 four-week-old gray kittens there + we think they're gonna die :o/ because the other 6 kittens in that liter have died, + these two aren't doing too well. There's this one cat there that had a seizure. She's so pretty, I love her. She'll tilt her head, though, because of the seizure. If you pet her/feed her, she'll paw at your hand coz she wants more attention. It's sooo cute. I love Beth, too. She's my manager. + Bonnie + Jessica, two other people who work there. They're fun to work with, esp. since I've known Jessica since 5th grade. Mom + I are gonna watch a chick flick tonight. That should be fun, coz I love chick flicks. Maybe we'll watch: A Walk To Remember or something. Who knows? orange soda=amazing Plans for this weekend:: Julie + I are gonna sleep over at Kayleigh's house on Friday. We'll go to my house after school + pick up my stuff, then go hang at Kayleigh's house. We might go do something that night, too. Then Kayleigh has her bowling league on Saturday, so Julie + I will go + bowl in a different lane + watch Kayleigh. Then we'll go back to Kayleigh's house, probably watch a movie, then go to the wrestling show. Then Julie will bring me home. Fun stuff! We're meeting my friends Mary + Brittany at the wrestling show, I think + my parents. A couple last things before I leave for work: MAD love to all my gurliez: KS, JK, BG, SS, LN, MG, SG, + ER. I love you all so much. I don't know what I would do without you!! Everyone please say a prayer for Mr. Ferris, who's my band teacher + had a heartattack. Apparently, it was/is pretty bad. So please pray for him. He's a great man. I love my kittens, Scamp + Princess. They're so amazingly cute. :D How bout that hail last night? It was the size of freaking golf balls!!! lol Lyrics of the day:: <3 The Eyeliners <3 - "I Could Never Hate You" Been friends for so long i've got a picture of you hanging up on the wall you say that you believe that something's changing that someone has come between you and me a friend you'll always be you know that i will never let you down i'll tell you i could never hate you i could never hate you we may not always agree and things don't happen like they do on the silver screen but i know your favorite things your loves, your hates, your pet peeves and everything in between when things are up or down no matter what goes wrong i'll always be around i'll tell you i could never hate you i could never hate you watching movies all night long or trading tapes that we made of our favorite songs will you ever see just what you mean to me? and i will cherish these memories when things are up or down no matter what goes wrong i'll always be around i'll tell you i could never hate you i could never hate you i could never hate you i could never hate you G'day, me fellows! |
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2003 |
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I promised myself that I wouldn't do this again....it seems I can never keep promises to myself. It hasn't even been a month since the last time. Now it's been 5 minutes since the last time. God I hate this. Random thoughts:: 1. I wish my mom would understand me, but she doesn't, never will, and is just not capable of it. 2. I wish I didn't have to deal with this pain. 3. School is my "safe-haven." 4. I wish I could go to the RCW show next week. 5. I'm sick of holding back tears. 6. "Unbreak My Heart" - Toni Braxton: yeah 7. It really, really sucks that you don't care. You know who you are. 8. It sucks that Mr. Ferris had a heart attack. 9. My life sucks. 10. "She's Gonna Break Soon" - Less Than Jake: double yeah 11. I'm slowly slipping back to where I was in February/March. I hated that. I don't want March 11 to happen again... 12. I wish I could sleep for two days + wake up to having this be a nightmare. 13. I WISH THAT HE CARED, GOD DAMNIT. IT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING TO KNOW HE DOESN'T. Ok, that's it. I'm crying now + wanna go upstairs so my parents don't see the tears. They probably get some sort of satisfaction out of it or something. Lyrics of the day:: "Letters to the Far Reaches" - The Promise Ring Flickering on, sad to see the season Come and gone away My black-eyed friends couldn't stay I'm afraid Now I'm left with a mess I'm way too overdressed for casual guests in time They've all always got to be leaving All the long long times Sometimes we fight And I don't treat my stomach right Every night It hurts and I don't know what's worse the eyes or words. Flickering on, sad to see the season Come and gone away My black-eyed friends couldn't stay My black-eyed friends couldn't stay My black-eyed friends couldn't stay |
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| Saturday, November 29th, 2003 |
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New icon yet again. This time, credit goes to a member of the community: www.blurty.com/users/prettyful_icons. + yes, I did not make it. I'm not that talented. So how bout today I woke up + it was snowing! I was so excited, just coz I love snow. It makes me feel happy coz that means it's almost Christmas time + snow makes me feel all warm inside! When it's snowing is the best time to just curl up in bed/on the couch/in a chair + read while watching the snow w/ a cup of hot chocolate. Mmmm....makes me feel good just thinking about it. Kayleigh + I have come to the conclusion that we need boyfriends. Not just your average run-of-the-mill-i-need-you-to-fill-the-s I <3 talking to Colin. I was all, "I have a problem." + he tries to help me solve it. He's gotta be one of the sweetest guys I know. Anyway, Kayleigh + Julie + I were supposed to go to FX tonight, the new teen night club. But, Julie is grounded so she can't take us + my parents don't want me going to a night club I guess. Maybe we'll have a sleepover or something, maybe Brittany will come over...who knows? Plans are always spur-of-the-moment for us. What makes me happy: (besides talking to colin in general): Dudester74: my mom loves you I think that is soooo cool, coz his mom has got to be the sweetest lady I know :D Sweetness must run in the family!! I gotta see Colin wrestle some time soon! Before I go crazy!! I was listening to the Warped Tour 2002 CD (old, I know) but there are some really kick ass songs on there, like: The Eyeliners: "I Could Never Hate You" Vendetta Red: "The Long Goodbye" GOOD CHARLOTTE: "East Coast Anthem" From Autumn To Ashes: "Capeside Rock" Tacking Back Sunday: "Great Romances of the 20th Century" No Use For A Name: "Dumb Reminders" Swingin Utters: "Pills & Smoke" Glassjaw: "Cosmopolitan Blood Loss" + Midtown: "Become What You Hate" + a lot of others that I can't remember, seeing as there's 50 songs on there. Breaking News: My parents are taking me to see Colin wrestle on Saturday w/ four friends + them!!! How cool is that???? Ok, I think that's it. I'm gonna go try to convince my parents to take me somewhere tonight. Song of the day:: My Chemical Romance - "Our Lady of Sorrows" We could be perfect one last night And look like star-crossed lovers when we fight And we can settle this affair If you would shed your yellow take my hand And then we'll solve the mystery of laceration gravity This riddle of revenge please understand it has to be this way and Stand up fucking tall Don't let them see your back Take my fucking hand and never be afraid again We've only got once chance to put this at in end and cross the patron saint of switchblade fights You said we're not celebrities, we spark and fade, they die by threes I'll make you understand and you can trade me for an apparition Stand up fucking tall Don't let them see your back Take my fucking hand and never be afraid again Trust, you said Who put the words in your head Oh how wrong we were to think That immortality meant never dying Stand up fucking tall Don't let them see your back Take my fucking hand and never be afraid again |
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| Friday, November 28th, 2003 |
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So I said I'd update later, + I tend to be a woman of my word. Or at least I'd like to think that. Except for two entries back when I said I'd update later + never did...yeah sorry, I was extrrreeemely busy. Today was full of nothingness yet again, except at around 5 when Kayleigh called + informed me that her + Julie were gonna go see Elf. They wanted to know if I could come, so I checked with my parents who ok'ed the idea. Turns out Julie got grounded for telling her mom to go fuck herself (Julie ily!) so Kayleigh's mom took me + Kayleigh to her house for a little while then to the movie. It was so fucking amusing. I also told the random man at the snack counter that the floor was quite sticky + he responded with, "Well, this is a movie theatre" + a smile. It was fun. Oh, + Dave was working! So that was cool coz he likes to pretend he doesn't know us but he's still a cool guy. He hangs out with Tony + Bomba + Joe, so he just must be cool. I offered Jake to meet us at the movie theatre, since he lives like, right across the street practically, but he was in the middle of his 25 page challenge for the book he's writing, + didn't want to go because he really wanted to come close to finishing the book. + he had been planning it all week, so I don't really blame him. Still, it would have been nice to see him for the first time in almost 10 months I think. Oh well, in two weeks we are gonna get together I think. Maybe I should give some backround to the "Me + Jake" story for those of you who care (+ my own benefit, haha): Ok, I met Jake at a wrestling show I went to on January 31st this year (yes, I still remember the date) + we started dating the next day. It was pure fuckin bliss. I was so in love with him (still am) + was so attatched...idk how/why I broke up with him + how I have survived without him. He was such a sweetheart (still is) + always made me feel like I had a reason to live. After we broke up, everything would remind me of him. I remember the time...it was a wednesday...that jake + I went to the mall + our hands just automatically found eachothers. It was so cute. I doubt he still remembers small things like that. I don't even think he thinks about me anymore. But yeah, the next day we went to see Darkness Falls, which to this day I refuse to see because it reminds me of him + will definitley make me cry tons. It seemed all the songs I heard reminded me of him...like "Addicted" by Simple Plan, "Superman Can't Walk" by Good Charlotte, "All the Things She Said" by Tatu, + of course our song, "Two in a Million" by SClub7. I still can't listen to that song. It makes me cry. But anyway. Jake + I drifted apart. I knew I still loved him, + didn't think he felt the same way. A little after school started I think, I IM'ed him from my new s/n + we have been good friends ever since. Talking to him makes my day. I'm just so lucky to have him in my life again. Who knows if anything will happen between us in the future?? I hope so. Fate will only tell...I can't wait till school ends for him (he's in his second year of college) + we can see eachother. Anyway, enough of the reminicing. I highly doubt he even reads this. Today, I went to different blurty communities + found some freakin kickass icons. I will give credit coz I will eventually use them all. They're so amazing. There was this one that reminded me of me in February/March after Jake + I broke up. It said something like..."The words you say leave marks..." ::a picture of a hugely slashed wrist + extrememly bloody::..."That will remain on my wrists forever" ::a picture of a bloody razor blade::. + yeah, it was a good icon, but I'm not like that anymore. If I do cut, it's on my arms + pretty superficial (not huge). I don't even remember the last time I cut. November 3rd I think...after a fight with my mom. Yep. My fish is dying :o( That is sad. I won him at a carnival about 7 years ago! I cannot believe he's lived this long. He's totally dying though. My mom + dad say he is + you can just tell. Alright, more tomorrow or Sunday....I leave you with some lyrics. "Bend your arms to look like wings" -Funeral for a friend As the sun sets on battlefields I hope you can save me I hope you can save our wounded hearts Distance makes my heart grow colder Distance makes my heart grow older Just enough to cut the air from your lungs As the sun sets (we push and pull apart) On battlefields (enough for this to end) I hope you can save me (from ourselves) I hope you can save us from ourselves Denial in the arms of our saviours And my heart is torn to pieces Just enough to cut the air from your lungs And paper cuts and bloody hands In the middle they would meet G'night. |
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Must give credit for the kickass Dashboard Confessional icon that's my default picture right now. I give all credit to: www.blurty.com/users/Xl0stinmydreams who is a member of the community: www.blurty.com/users/prettyful_icons so yeah, if you want some kickass icons, go to one of those two places, + make sure you give the needed credit to whoever made the icon. more later |
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| Wednesday, November 26th, 2003 |
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I live safe inside my cell In the darkness that surrounds me I see my own special hell Comfort in my suffering Feeling warm inside this pain Before I was coming down on me I come on down again I let you win, you come on to me And you're so fucking brave A chewed out lighten candle fell in my cool and empty cave Somewhere in your world they tell you this is what the people need Doing all that shit on me And leave me here to bleed Cradle falls... Unholy walls... Cradle falls, unholy walls... Cradle falls... Silent in my sanity I live safe inside my cell In the darkness that surrounds me I see my own special hell Comfort in my suffering Feeling warm inside this pain Before I was coming down on me I come on down again You woke me out of my secret grave You let your pretty world in Cradle falls, unholy walls... Now you're in my world Did you dream it'd be so small? My little box was perfect Until you destroyed it all My sanctity of sorrow gone Forever in it's place The saccharine sweet of you Is all that's left to taste Feeling claustrophobic Now my world is closing in Subtle retrobution Where I am and where I've been I'll take you to a place You never knew could be Curled up, in my little box Cradle falls... Good song. It's from one of my favorite movies - Ghost Ship. I'll add onto this later coz Scamp is asleep on my stomach/chest + that is making it hard to type. So yeah...until then... |
| Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 |
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comes from some other beginnings end... So yeah. Definitley have a new blurty. But. I'm also too lazy to write an actual entry right now + I'm not really in the mood for it. So I'll write something real tomorrow. Just wanted to let ya know I have a new journal :D |
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Blurty for These may be memories.......
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bored.
crushed.
content.
hopeful.
nostalgic.
accomplished.
drained.
happy.