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[05 Oct 2003|09:45pm] |
I'm on a plane tommorrow morning. Leaving Jude and E at this house. All thoughts of sticking around are gone, when I'm not shooting I'm with Nat. Her getting hurt again just kills me.
And after i punched out Judes Ex, he ... Nevermind. I'm not even going to play sides here. I barely know Jude, he's got great kids, he was overall good to Nat and good for E. But ... yeah She's my best friend, so you won't see me packing it up to coddle the guy.
And it's hard not to get angry, but I'm trying. I'm going home tommorrow and then to Nashville the day after. I just need to sleep in my own bed for one night, and get some stuff together for Nat when Love's wedding is over. She called and said that Colin Farrell is now taking her to Love's wedding. Now I don't know the guy, but I already don't like him. That's all I'm saying.
As for me I think I'm going to try to make sure Mia gets in a good mood and get to know more people. Like Keri and Love better as such.
i also want to hang out with marieh and Maj soon. Not at the same time necc. unless they so desire.
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[25 Sep 2003|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Ecoline Crush - you don't know what its like |
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Wow. Ok so we've got a full ass house now. This isn't me complaining this is me adjusting, i'm trying. Hopefully Jude won't think Ill of me for not being used to this stuff.
But now E and Jude are here, plus the kids and a maid.
It's going to be something new, but once I get used to it I'm pretty sure I'll be goofing off with the kids, I'm a big kid anyway, maybe not half as much as E but hey, a guy can try.
I'm still dazed from Shannon's departure and no word, but I'll be alright. I just sit on the beach and watch the waves, it has this calming affect. I don't know what I'm going to do when all this is over and I won't be here. Sure I miss home, the dogs everything but this place is just so amazing, as long as you don't count work.
I didn't mean to miss marieh's birthday, so Happy Birthday Marieh, we'll go out drinking when I get back to LA yeah?
Tonight I've sworn I'll be around for "family bonding" better known as dinner and drinks after the kids go to bed. Should prove interesting I'm sure. It's been a while since I've goofed off with E away from set.
-Hay
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| lost little boy |
[22 Sep 2003|08:47pm] |
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The subject pretty much explains it all.
Shannon just left, no word, no note, nothing. I know I've been completely out of it lately, and I guess there isn't cause to place any blame except for myself.
I could have done things differently.
This is exactly the reason why I tend not to make commitments to people, I can't always follow through and be someone's perfect whatever. I can't, I try but I fail.
Nat's back, which honestly makes me feel a lot better. She found me on the beach, I don't even know how long I was sitting there staring out at the ocean and the sky. Hours maybe, it felt like days.
Now George wants to shoot a few scene's over and they happen to be some scene's that take a hell a lot out of me.
I don't know everything that's going on with E, but I do know that neither Nat or I want him upset, but Nat has to do right by herself, she can't just coddle anyone else and not do what she needs. Same goes for E and Jude, and hell everyone.
Sitting on that beach with her in my lap just talking like old times, for a minute I forgot that it wasn't old times. Sometimes I wish things had been different because I love her, I have since I met her and I always will. But we both know that what we have now is far better than anything else we could have. Maybe we're lucky that way, I don't know.
Anyways, I don't like all the tension, I don't like all these people i care about feeling hurt, and I don't like placing blame. Everythings just a little fucked up right now. But no matter what I'm sticking by my friends.
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[19 Sep 2003|09:24pm] |
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Ok. So I've been avoiding talking about this like the plauge. Why? Cause I'm depressed as fuck. The only reason I'm not insane is Shannon. If E were in better shape he'd be helpful there too.
And you know I'd be jealous of all the time Jude got to spend with Nat, but she's happy so I can't really complain that much.
I just fucking miss her like something awful. I believe in a lot of things, and I believe you can have more than one soulmate, and there are different levels. And Nat, she's my best friend soulmate.
So I'm depressed, and the shooting now is taking a lot out of me. It's just hard, this is the part of this role I knew would be the greatest challange, and I knew Nat would be gone for it, but it never really hit me.
So I mope and try to be a good boyfriend and actor, but its ok. She's probably going to move in with me when I get back to the states. Nat I mean, she was looking for a place in LA and we know we can stand each other so it just made sense.
Anyways. I'm off to try to make up my foul mood to Shannon.
-Hay
ps. Nat I miss ya
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[10 Sep 2003|11:50pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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(OOC - no I didn't just get called and woken up and told to post or I'd be murdered, really I didn't ... and if you think I'm being serious when I say I didn't ... don't piss off Nat Shaped. Seriously- either way much apologies to everyone for slacking, work is no fun and neither is class, all I gotta say)
Ok, So despite what Nat says I'm not trying to rally people to say I'm the best star wars character, even if I am. -laughs-
In reality I'd kill to be yoda, but who wouldn't? And She's prettier than Jar jar.
Still on the worried camp with Ewan but having Jude around is more amusing than you can imagine. Just trust me on this ok.
Things with Shannon are good, she puts up with me, and I couldn't ask for someone better, cause sorry but there is none. Unless you count Nat but she's my best friend so that's just something you all have to accept. Shannon and Nat win.
Ewan wins too but for way different reasons. Reasons which I'm refusing to disclose at this time cause who likes knowing it all at once huh? Ok so maybe you and you and even you but not everyone! I know this, somehow I really do.
ha and I'm not the only one being a slacker look at these people in front of me. Maj hasn't even seen her sister, at least I've seen my girlfriend and friends. -hides from Maj-
Ok. I owe someone a back rub. So I'll see you crazy folks later.
-Hay
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[13 Aug 2003|07:25pm] |
I coud kill the guy, I really could. How could somebody do that. What the fuck is wrong with all you assholes who keep disappearing and hurting someone you claim to love? I'm serious, I want an answer.
I'm a guy, and I had a wild streak, I've broken hearts, and now I see no point in it. If you tell someone you love them, you better fucking mean it.
Ok, On a better and lighter note, Shannon is still here. Which makes everything better for me, and Nat too I think. When Nat when back to LA we had the house to ourselves, it was nice being alone for a couple of days.
I'm not sure what we are in the sense of being together, but I know I want her in my life. Which is big for me. Not that I'm commitment phobic, but I just hate hurting people now, and when i do I don't mean too, I hate making promises I'm not sure I can keep.
But it's there, that spark. I really think I want her to be my girl. ::laughs:: I sound like I'm in kindergarten.
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[05 Aug 2003|10:15am] |
Oh I'm so fucking angry right now. Nat has been in tears for days, I've seen her like this before but that's not the point. God. No one hurts my best friend like that. No one you hear me.
If Shannon wasn't here to calm me down I probably would go find the guy and kill him. Fucking asshole, if he shows his face around again, he better have a damn good explination.
And that Shane Ass trying to get Maj back after a month of nothing, it's guys like that ... that give the rest of us a bad name.
I think Nat may go spend some time in LA, she needs to get out of here before she goes stir crazy. Luckily Lucas isn't too bad of an Ass lately and he's going to give Ewan and Nat a break. He won't work me too hard. But there are a few scenes that I need to redo because we shot them while I looked like hell from exhaustion. So hopefully both of them will get their break.
And Shannon has been amazing through all of this, Our trip was so great, seriously there are no words.
And I'm going to congradulate Sarah Michelle Gellar for um ... being happy now with someone she loves, because she can resite(sp?) all my lines from Ep II. ::waves at Sarah::
Josh Dawg you should get out of the city, come visit Shannon and me in Aussie.
-Hay
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| OOC |
[02 Aug 2003|07:06pm] |
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[I'm sick and have been for a few days, so I'm really sorry for not being around. Especially to Shannon, forgive me please. Hopefully I'll be better next week. thnx]
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[28 Jul 2003|01:04am] |
Well needless to say I feel a whole lot better. Despite the craziness that is all this wedding planning.
So I decided after a nice suggestion from Shannon to kidnap her. So I did, didn't tell her where we were going, just made her pack. Left a note for Nat saying I'd be back in time for filming on tuesday.
And off we went. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to leave the country, so I decided to go to this island I'd read about. Kanagroo Island, and yes that is the name. So we got on the ferry and just went.
It was a nice ride, great few and I had great company. I feel more alive when I'm with her than I have in a long time. I'm always one to take things slow, I don't want to be so caught up in my life if that's what you want to call what I have whilst filming, and hurt someone.
But with Shannon, I make time for her, I make sure I see her everyday, I find reasons for her to come on set and I may just have a really good thing starting here. And I'm just loving it.
So bye to all, don't expect to see me for I will be giving Shannon all my attention.
-Hay
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[24 Jul 2003|09:30am] |
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Happy Birthday Josh Dawg!
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[23 Jul 2003|12:03pm] |
I didn't forget AJ's birthday. I'm in Australlia and recovering from passing out on set. So give me some leway here.
Aj, Girl you know I miss talking to you everyday and all that other sappy shit ::laughs:: As soon as filming wraps up I'm taking you out for belated Birthday fun. Your pick.
As for life in the great down under ... well I've been spending time with Shannon, just chilling on the beach, recovering, sleeping, talking. Getting stalked by insane reporters. The normal things to go through while in Aussie.
Next week we go back to regular filming, and I may have to talk something into George, If he Kills E I'll have to hurt him, cause you just don't mess with E. Sure the guy is fucking insane, and stuff, but that doesn't mean anything.
Alright, I think were going to lunch. We being me, Shannon, Jason and Nat. Not for sure though.
-Hay
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[21 Jul 2003|10:15pm] |
I'm so tired. My body finally told Lucas what I'd been telling him all along, he was going to kill me if he wasn't careful. I passed out onset. Scared the shit out of Nat. I imagine some others as well.
Shannon who just got here, included. The Doc forced George to give me a week off, whcih pretty much puts a halt on main cast filming. George was actually cool about it, or maybe he was just covering his ass so I wouldn't sue. Who knows.
So I'm cool with that. Despite being tended to, which granted really isn't a big bother for me, its quite fun for me actually. ::laughs:: But I am tired, really tired, so I'm taking this break to do exactly what I'm suppose to do. Rest.
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[18 Jul 2003|10:46am] |
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Majandra Delfino - Siren |
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I think E and I are both at our witts end. He looks like he hasn't fucking slept in years. Of course I don't look that great either. And Nat is just bouncy and happy with Jason, concerned as ever but none the less happy and bouncy.
Can't blame her. Lucas loves her, he used to love me before I'd tell him off "in front of his crew" But its called a contract, and breaking it would cause problems and its just not worth it. Maybe if E, Nat and I all go on strike he'll give us a whole fucking week off. I need some downtime.
Some of these scenes are emotional and hard to recuperate from in two seconds for another take and he man doesn't understand that. Screw you Lucas. Give us a freaking break.
Don't get me wrong, the man is a genius, and a pretty alright guy, unless he doesn't like you or you piss him off. E we need to go out drinking or something.
It must seem that I'm just being a spoiled actor. But this isn't about getting the right water, or light, or did they get my good side. It's about having time to sleep and function at all. He's going to have to reshoot half the scenes if he isn't careful.
Maybe they'll just cgi us in like Jar Jar or Yoda. Then maybe I'd get some sleep. The man is really going to turn me evil.
-Hay
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[15 Jul 2003|01:44am] |
God I feel like something inside of me is clawing at my heart. Ripping it to shreds. And no this isn't some metaphor for some girl or guy that has broken poor old Hayden's heart.
Things involving the heart aren't always based romantically.
There is so much weighing down on me right now, and I just need a break. Mood swings fucking suck. Sometimes I feel like I'm breathing underwater. (that by the way is an OLP lyric, yay for Canadian bands)
I'm no one important, I'm just me, and I can't live up to these high standards people have of me. I don't have a clue what I'm talking about anymore so yeah ...
Mon & Andie sorry I died, computer went schizo and I'm beat anyway so I'm going to bed.
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[14 Jul 2003|11:41am] |
I don't even know anymore. I'm kind of ready to just get my ass out of here and leave everything else behind. I need a break I need something to keep myself from falling into a dark place where the hole in my heart seems small because the emptiness that darkness shows makes it that much smaller, but even so much darker.
I'm exhausted, literally in every capacity that one can be exhuasted, I am. I can't think straight, I can't do anything but run through my lines mechanically and the get shit from George.
If it weren't for Nat I'd I don't know but I don't think it would be a good thing. She helps me, reminds me how much I love this and how much it means to me. My funk is still here, but I find myself just being ... nothing
The one thing that makes me smile right now is that AJ has made her way here. My favorite Blonde. The "Higher Ground" bond. Plus "The Virgin Suicides"
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[05 Jul 2003|01:04am] |
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You know what? People can just go to hell.
Maybe I shouldn't associate with actors because what are we best at? We get paid to put on these faces and lie our fucking asses off about who we are and what we're about.
Some people can't stop doing that it seems. Now I'm not talking about everyone. I don't wanna go pissing people off, and I'm not stupid enough to go into the people I have in mind, and as much as some of you might think you know who I'm speaking of, the obvious choices, you'd probably be wrong. Or at least some of your choices would be wrong.
Just fucking A, people suck in general. Add a talent for lying, which is what we do, then what do you have? A fuck load of screwed up people.
Now I don't know what I'm thinking of or looking for or anything for that matter. I wouldn't say I'm still in my funk, but I wouldn't say I'm out of it either. I just, fuck I don't know.
Nat's happy with Jason, which I think is great. Ewan's got Alyssa and they are happy, and I'm not looking to find some great love, I don't know what I'm looking for. I really want to go home, I want to find someone unfickle, understanding.
Whatever, nevermind. What I want obviously doesn't matter to anyone in the scheme of things.
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[26 Jun 2003|07:41pm] |
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Jordana took off to see her ex, or half ex or ex-potential guy. I don't know, all I know is she's gone. I'm not mad or anything, just disappointed, for a lot of reasons. But I'm busy, so I don't really have time to think about it, nor do I really want to analyize it all cause I'm not up for it.
What is is Nat keeps saying, I'm in a funk right? I'm so exhausted, completely and utterly exhausted with work, life, filming, everything. I just want to sleep and not wake up for a very long time.
I don't even know who all is staying at my own house, that's how out of it I am. How busy I am. I just feel like everyone around me is so quick to jump into anything and everything and I'm not like that. I can't be like that, it's not really in my nature to jump.
I don't allow myself to mistake lust for love, or lust for passion. The series of momments we go through have to be lived to the fullest, but ... Shit I don't feel like going into this right now.
I'm not in a great mood. ::shrugs:: I'm going to sleep, my bed is where you'll find me if I'm not on set. That or on the beach at night, watching the tide roll. Nothing better than the ocean at night. Screw everything and everyone else.
-Hayden
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[23 Jun 2003|09:50pm] |
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I'm annoyed as hell. With myself mostly.
I absolutely HATE doing things half way. Seriously, it makes me feel edgy and I just want to scream. It's why I'm so screwed up in many ways.
Anyways, So I asked Jordana to come up you know. To get to know her better and vice versa. And then my entire world is taken away by stupid interviews and reporters and Lucas's uptight ass. Ok, I'm just a little frustrated, much love to the L man ... but yeah, you get the point.
So I've been a horrible host, a bad guy in general. And no matter how many times I get told it's okay, I still don't feel like it is. So I'm not convinced, and I doubt I will be convinced otherwise.
I just hate this, I was suppose to have all my free time be MINE up until the 22nd, would it kill people to just respect that I do have a life, sometimes. This happening to be one of those times.
At least I got away Sunday. I took Jordana down the beach to get some ice cream. Sure the shack is a little off putting but it's the best time Ice Cream on the continent. So at least there was that.
Now filming has starting, and yay guess whose calls are the earliest and last the longest. Gee Gorge ... thanks. He says he's going to lay off soon, this is after I yelled at him in front of his crew, yeah he doesn't like that much Right E? ::shakes head::
Ok. I'm done with my rant.
Bye,
-Hayden
( ooc )
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[18 Jun 2003|08:18pm] |
OOC ...
Okay, lol I want to let you all in on a little secret. Actually it's not a secret it's a clear up. Hayden-shaped and Nat-shaped are in fact NOT the same person. We know each other, and she seriously does call me to get online. ::laughs:: I just know a lot of people are like ::rae:: we aren't the same person. We Promise!
end ooc ...
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[18 Jun 2003|10:12am] |
I woke up early this morning and went for a run. I kind of needed to think without much distraction, and the weather here is gorgeous right now.
I'm not mad at Nat despite what she thinks. I'm just frustrated, she would be too if she were in my position, but she's not. Jordana did talk a little sense into me last night. ::grumbles:: I'm just stubborn.
Anyways, In a few hours I'm going to go pick her up at the airport and take her to lunch at this nice little cafe' Nat and I discovered last time we were out here. Then who knows, I'll probably show her some sites and we'll hang out.
We've got a bunch of people coming up to visit in the next few days I think, so quality time spent with my special guest is going to be good. I am anxious to see Brit and meet Eric, but I'll live.
Don't believe anything Ewan tells you about me. I don't want to kill him, nor do I want to have an affair with him. ::eyes Ewan:: Ass. I'm kind of riding on the wave of half-awake-ness despite going to bed at a semi-decent hour. I'm going to go smooth things over with Nat before I head out. Can't have us being so not-us like, I don't like it.
And Marieh. I promise not to chase you around with tampons ::laughs::
Damn my piano needs to get delievered. I'm itching to work on this new jazzy piece that I found, and I'm out of practice so I've got to sharpen up.
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