Kelly's Blurty
 
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Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in Kelly's Blurty:

    Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
    9:35 pm
    weird day...this'll be long, lol
    Today was interesting....it was so hot here and even though I'm supposed to be gaining weight, I didn't eat cuz I never feel like eating when it's hot. So...I had 5 hours of exercise today and nothing but lemonade and gum....grrrr.
    One really cool thing though is at kickboxing, I was talking to this girl named Candence....she was saying how she wanted to wear a tank top today (the heat and all) and tha she just couldn't bring herself to. I said I was doing the exact same thing-I had debated about wearing a tank top...anyways, she's like " well, I used to be anorexic, and even though my worst point was 10 years ago" (she's 27, but she looks 18 I swear....) . So her lowest weight was 69 pounds at 5'5''. She's now maintaining at 108-96...I told her I had also been anorexic (uhh, still am but yea) and how I was trying to gain. Anyways, I'm pretty excited cuz we've always talked and everything but now we exchanged numbers so we can talk about it when we have bad days. I'd always kinda suspected she was ana, she probably thought the same about me, but it's so weird knowing someone, training with someone for 2+ years and then finding something like this out....we both thought it was cool, but not...you know how it is, lol. Anyways, thats enough for now!
    Friday, February 27th, 2004
    3:19 pm
    My glorious future...
    Recently, I've come to realize that I hafta start thinking about college. I've decided I either want to go to Davis (that's about 3 hours away from home) or Stanford (that's 45 mins-1 hour away). I really really wanna go to Stanford!!! They have a beautiful campus-I took a tour 2 years ago-a great psychology program, and awesome taekwondo, horse, and dance programs.....Also, it's far enough away so I'm not living at home, but it's close enough so I can drive home on the weekends and see my family and friends. I just want to go away to college so I won't have anyone bothering me about my anorexic habits...The only thing is that I'm pretty much qualified for Stanford (not to brag, I've just worked REALLY hard throughout HS), except for math. I'm not that great in math. Oh well, I'll hafta work on that! I just hope I can get in....
    Thursday, February 26th, 2004
    10:04 pm
    attack of the stupid freakin clowns!!!
    Ok, knowing that I hate clowns, my loving brother told me to go to Ihateclowns.net....ackkk! The clown stories are just freaking scary. Especially since one guy talked about the fair in Watsonville,ummm, my dance studio performs there every year. Great, so I have rabid clowns to look out for next time. What are they hiding under that baggy suit, fake nose, and makeup anyways? This all started becuz I went into a "fun" house by myself (I thought my friends were just ahead, but they weren't) and I got lost in a house of mirrors and this clown came up behind me and grabbed my shoulder. So I freaked and ran into a mirror....meanwhile seeing the clown's reflection in all the mirrors....damn scary if you ask me!!
    7:04 pm
    Screw it...
    Ugh, I'm sick again! I always get sick at the worst times! I hafta drag my butt to my hip-hop class becuz we're perfoming next week, the teacher's stupid, and hardly anyone knows the dance. So yea, either I don't go and we'll suck (I already signed a contract saying I'd be there) or I go tonight....I'm gonna go, although I sure as hell don't feel like it. Oh yeah, and my weight is now up to 87 pounds!!!! I'm huge...I've gained 20 pounds, what a fatty I am. The weird thing is I remember being really happy at 90 pounds last summer, so why did I lose 20+ pounds? I dunno, people were telling me I looked sick at 90....of course I didn't think so, I still think I'm huge...I wish the way I see myself would change. One day I could wake up and see myself how I really am: thin. I must be thin to be 87 pounds...I just can't see it. I was thin at 67, and I still couldn't see it. Stupid mind, haha.
    Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
    11:54 pm
    Hooray!
    I'm so happy right now! It was my birthday today, 17 woohoo, and I just had 1 piece of cake...nothing else. Also, I got a huge part in a dance my production group is working on!!! It's a tribute to George Harrison (Beatles, baby!) and I'm doing a lyrical/balletic partnering section. I get to wear black pointe shoes!!! Finding them/dyeing them will be interesting... But yeah, there's 4 people in the section, 2 girls 2 guys.....I'm so excited...but I pity my partner,he's gonna hafta feel my fat!
    Monday, February 16th, 2004
    11:43 pm
    ackkk
    Wow, I haven't written in FOREVER! So much has happened, you wouldn't even believe....Yeah, like anyone reads this anyways....So I'm trying to gain weight, I hate it! I'm so huge it's gross. I'm probably gonna reach 84 soon, only a couple more pounds. I dunno if it's worth it. I feel like such a hypocrite. I care about everyone so much, but I think it just makes me hate myself that much more. Everyone's sucking my self love outta me, lol. I don't want other people to live in the hell I do, but I think I deserve it. I turn around and tell people to love themselves becuz I care, but I certainly don't care about myself.
    Tomorrow's my 17th b-day, woohoo! But I'll hafta eat cake...whaaa. O well, more exercise for me. My legs really hurt right now.....arggggg!
    I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat,I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat.....
    Friday, December 19th, 2003
    1:19 pm
    Long time no type...
    I haven't updated in FOREVER because I was extremely busy, got the flu like 10 times,had school tests, homework, dance, martial arts..everything you can think of. I'm at 75 pounds right now and I'm doing alright. I feel like doing absolutely nothing today, and that's probably what'll happen. It's gonna rain and my mom isn't gonna let me exercise at all. (Which is what I do when I'm bored.) I just got over the really bad flu and she's not letting me go to any of my exercise classes. At least they'll end soon for the holidays....I only have 1 more dance performance this year: at something called First Nite on New Year's eve, which is a blast! Actually it's New Years afternoon, but same thing. =) eh...I'm gonna go do nothing...
    Saturday, November 29th, 2003
    6:57 pm
    I'm backkk!
    I'm back everyone! I've been so busy with all this junk that I've hardly had time to talk to anyone, let alone write in my journal. Anyways, my doctor's appointment went really well: I weighed in at 88 pounds (thanks to ankle weights, wrist weights, and wet hair) and the doctor said my blood pressure was a little low, but my parents are used to that so they didn't really pay attention. So, yay! I'm outta suspicion, at least for now.
    I've been eating a little more than usual, but I haven't gained anything. I still haven't decided whether I wanna try to get to 80 lbs or not... There's too many decisions!! ugh! I guess I'll just wait awhile and see wut happens. If anyone reads this diary, go rent "What about Bob?" if you haven't already seen it. I think it's pretty funny: psychiatrist is driven crazy by his own patient, who becomes sane.
    gotta go, laterz...
    6:57 pm
    I'm backkk!
    I'm back everyone! I've been so busy with all this junk that I've hardly had time to talk to anyone, let alone write in my journal. Anyways, my doctor's appointment went really well: I weighed in at 88 pounds (thanks to ankle weights, wrist weights, and wet hair) and the doctor said my blood pressure was a little low, but my parents are used to that so they didn't really pay attention. So, yay! I'm outta suspicion, at least for now.
    I've been eating a little more than usual, but I haven't gained anything. I still haven't decided whether I wanna try to get to 80 lbs or not... There's too many decisions!! ugh! I guess I'll just wait awhile and see wut happens. If anyone reads this diary, go rent "What about Bob?" if you haven't already seen it. I think it's pretty funny: psychiatrist is driven crazy by his own patient, who becomes sane.
    gotta go, laterz...
    Sunday, November 9th, 2003
    1:07 pm
    All I have to say is....
    UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH! yeah...bad day
    Thursday, November 6th, 2003
    10:42 pm
    My day...
    Hmm...not much went on today. I gained weight, thats about it. I guess it's a good thing, but I still don't like it at all. This all started because I passed out in front of my best guy friend (the only guy who knows about my ana) and he got really worried. He asked me my weight, and he's the type of person that you can't lie to when you're lookin them in the eyes...grrr. He said he could tell I lost weight (maybe cuz I had taken the exercise capris I always wear under my jeans-when I'm around my parents-off.) So he saw what my legs really looked like in jeans I guess...So anyways, I hafta gain 3 more pounds, possibly 8..we'll see. I'm gonna just gain 3 pounds for now and stay there, and then see how everything goes. I might gain a little more, might not. I've decided to take it one day/1 pound at a time.
    I haven't done anything special...I just got pissed at alotta people today, haha. I'm sorry, but stupid people just annoy me! Oh yea, and I downloaded inspiring music from Kazaa...fun stuff. Well I gotta get to bed...I have kickboxing in the morning....
    Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
    10:56 pm
    Why is it.....
    Why is it that it seems like everyone around me either ignores me completely or depends on me? Why do the things you want the most in life hafta be so hard? Why are some of my best friends hurting themselves? Why am I hurting myself? Why why why??? ok..I'm just a little pissed off right now. Some days are so great,and then the next thing you know everything's falling apart. At least there was one good thing about today: I got to talk to Meg (huanu...)!!! I was so happy! She's getting alot better and said that most of her sadness was gone. That got me in a funk after awhile cuz I was thinking about how some other of my friends, and myself, hafta go through all this shit, and other people just go through life not worrying about buying a bigger pants size or whether everything's perfect. Grrrrr!! Sometimes I just get really pissed at stupid things...
    Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
    9:37 pm
    Spaz!
    Sorry, I feel like being random now! I've had a tough week and after awhile I need to vent somehow....So I just act like a total dork and pretend I know exactly what I'm doing, hopefully everyone thinks I'm as smart as I try to act!
    Today...I ate nothing. Mainly because I've been throwing the flu around for a few days now, as if I don't already have enuff to worry about! But yeah, I wasn't hungry at all anyways so it's a goooood..
    My brother and I just got our blue belts today in taekwondo, yay!!! Only 3 more steps to black belt! it's gonna take awhile though, probably 1 1/2 years...But o well, it'll be worth it!
    I guess thats all I have to say outta my boring life. Bye 4 now.
    Monday, October 13th, 2003
    10:12 pm
    Ladeda
    I feel a little more optomistic today, the only bad thing was I felt sick to my stomach at random times throughout the day, but hey, I didn't eat! I still haven't decided whether to really try to get my weight up to 80 pounds and maintain it there, or to just either lose more or maintain it here.... Lately food has just disgusted me! I don't want to eat anthing and just looking at a certain type of food can make me throw up. Sigh...
    This girl I had never met before (I had seen her around campus but hadn't talked to her) came up to me today and said "Awww, you're way too skinny! The only thing I've ever seen you put in your mouth is gum, are you ok?" And of course I said "yup". Omg, there's this one girl that I've seen at college (yeah, I'm only taking 1 college class) and she's soooo incredibly skinny!! She's about 5'0'' and I swear, no more than 50 pounds!!! Her legs are like, not even there...seriously! I could fit both my hands around one of her legs, and I have small hands. I'm just feel so big compared to her..... I'm at 70 now...my lowest was 69 and I dunno if I wanna go lower than that. I mean, I would: only if people wouldn't notice and comment on it. Sigh..I can always hide it from my parents, but hiding it at dance or exercise classes is practically impossible!! Well, I'm audi for tonight..
    Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
    10:28 pm
    Sigh...
    Well..it's my first day as a blurty user! Yayay!
    Today was one of those days I just wished had never happened. I got a C+ on my psychology exam in college, and I am incredibly disappointed. The weird thing: from talking to alotta people in the class I have like the highest grade! Isn't that sad...But yeah, the teacher sucks. I was really tired throughout the whole day, and I had to test for my blue belt in martial arts today, with only 4 hours of sleep the previous night. The test actually went really well...the only thing that went well today.
    For "lunch" I decided to have a handful of trailmix. So I went to the fridge to get some and my brother says "geez, leave some for the rest of us!" So needless, to say I didn't have any "lunch". hmm..anything else? Oh yea, I feel extremely fat! I just don't know if I'm able to gain weight or whatever on my own...and I don't really wanna get better...maybe I'll just keep losing weight until I disappear completely....I should slowly disappear, it would make the world a better place....
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