muirhann's Journal
12 most recent posts

Date:2004-03-31 18:09
Subject:welcome jake
Security:Public
Mood: busy
Music:mae

so after the debacle of monday with my beloved elijah taking flight...he looked so glorious flying so high with his white wings spread. it was very difficult. poor ginny, taking him out of his cage only to have him fly to me in the OPEN door and then right past. omigosh. it was horrible. tears everywhere. we made fliers and posted them, but so far no word. anyway. i picked up a new bird today. not that elijah is replaceable. he is not. but jake is a baby like elijah was and very sweet, so he will train well and will talk to me and the kids. he is beginning to get comfortable in his new home away from his siblings. he is green and yellow and black and blue. wow i miss elijah. he had the most beautiful coloring. desi says that there are bunches of parakeets near her house at the beach, not that elijah is with them, but at least i know he can survive in the wild. karen at the bird shop said that they dont tend to stray far from home, within a mile, so i may find him, or someone else will. if someone does and does not see the posts...they will get a great pet. he is a joy. i miss ginny and stuart today, but dont have time to really see them what with all the sadism of college professors. too much work to do in 3 weeks. partly my fault, but give me a break. i feel better today, but miss the kids. i cannot wait until this semester is over. plus i will be able to work.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-18 14:49
Subject:been a while
Security:Public
Mood:suicidal
Music:five for fighting

yes it has been a few days since journaling. things have sucked. i worked all last weekend, which was excellent. i love my job and working with sam has been better than working with mr jordan. basically mj is a total slacker. hes good at the group stuff, but the overall attitude is that he is just there to get a paycheck. i hate working with ppl like that. i am there for a reason and its not to get a paycheck. if money were all that i needed...i could do any job, any menial job. so
saw jeff on tuesday, its been a month since i saw him and my mood is reflective of the neglect of my mental health. he has broken his leg and was quite adorable. i wanted to help and felt guilty for being there to admit that i am this close to jumping. but he said that he needed to focus on me and take his mind off of his pain discomfort and trouble. he has been bored and antsy. so i acquiesced and spilled my guts. although at the time i only felt a little desperate and not suicidal...impulsive and almost out of control...near the edge and not on it. he helped, but it will be 3 weeks b4 my next appt. and i will probably try to see him prior to my scheduled time. especially if this thought process continues. i will have to manage this outpatient as i have no insurance and cannot afford a week in hospital to address my needs...this may be a very dangerous thing for me. whatever. b4 it seemed that i had some choice if i got too close to jumping...a backup. either jeff would step in or i would intervene on my behalf. but...i dont know if i want to continue. i mean, i want to try...as i have been but i am skating on this...and i am about worn out. i dont know how much more i can take. i wish i would just die in my sleep. enough.
am totally depressed, but actually a little better today than previous days this week. had dinner with jaime on tuesday since i got out of class early and hadnt eaten all day. he was so cool. we had a nice time and i really like him. problem...i am still totally in love with kenn and that is why i have been so depressed this week. he did it to me again, i let him, i admit, but...why???????? every time i think i have moved on a little...he calls me. how does he do that? radar? holy smokes. anyway, very on the edge feeling. have the urge to cut myself or take a bottle or two of pills. cried and cried last night. when will i be free of this? feeling so panicky. loved spending time with jaime. had a test wednesday in tinos class. worried too much about it as usual, unnecessarily, as usual. did fine. get a paycheck next week. for 38 hours. not bad. paid for my new struts. living on credit cards right now. should have filed for unemployment...but didnt of course. such a loser. why does no one want me? dre called, speaking of being wanted...left 3 messages. did not return his calls. will not. i am not interested in casual sex with a guy who has fucked nearly every girl he has encountered. or in casual sex with anyone actually. bought the new five for fighting cd. is pretty good. have an idea for my presentation for tinos class. want to work with jaime on the other class assignment. rented 10 movies yesterday...watched thirteen, want the soundtrack...good movie, very well done. but also very sad. it hurt to watch it. physically and emotionally hurt. also watched matchstick men. very good until the end. hated the end. although while watching it, knew knew knew it was a big con. and it was sad, but also good for roy...so it was a true story. no happy endings all tied up in a bow. no cheat. so satisfying. need to see the van, recommended by tori. i think i will just kill myself and get it over with. it is so difficult to have the faith and hope that is required to be so committed to living. its either just live like theres nothing to do...no rhyme or reason to life, no purpose, which i have never been able to do satisfactorily...or keep hoping that i am doing the right things walking the right path or that if i am not...that i will get on the right path soon. hope and faith. god in heaven, help me please.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-12 18:56
Subject:worked today
Security:Public

well kenn didnt call yesterday or today...i am pathetic i called him, but no answer. he could have been screening. he does that, and i know he has caller id. makes me feel like a stalker. but i cant stand not talking to him. he keeps coming into my life, and i cant understand why he just wont let me go. if he doesnt want to be with me, that is. of course, i keep saying sure, it would be nice to see you. and it is so obvious that he still feels the same way about me. and of course, i still love him. i just wont let him drag me in this time. he wont call again for probably a month or so. ack. of course, i still like jaime. and i am trying to get to know him and etc. what am i going to do? pine my whole life for this man who wont be with me. anyway. going to movies with steve and maybe jamielynn. havent heard from her yet. whatever. worked today. it was fun, i suppose. i can see where i might get bored with this job. it is not as busy at the arf as it was at devereux. the kids are fairly subdued. of course they are teenagers in detox etc., so...i am hating my life right now. yes i have a job, finally. yes i am doing fine in school and will graduate as expected. but....i have been having too many days...you know there are good days (few) and bad days, and i know how to handle those pretty much. enjoy the good days but dont get too carried away cause the crash is hard. just go with the bad days, they will pass, probably. but the days in between, i just dont know, i feel lost...like i am faking life or i am someones dream...i hate those days. i would rather be in the deepest of depressions than have another blah day. going now before i puke on my self pity.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-12 18:56
Subject:worked today
Security:Public

well kenn didnt call yesterday or today...i am pathetic i called him, but no answer. he could have been screening. he does that, and i know he has caller id. makes me feel like a stalker. but i cant stand not talking to him. he keeps coming into my life, and i cant understand why he just wont let me go. if he doesnt want to be with me, that is. of course, i keep saying sure, it would be nice to see you. and it is so obvious that he still feels the same way about me. and of course, i still love him. i just wont let him drag me in this time. he wont call again for probably a month or so. ack. of course, i still like jaime. and i am trying to get to know him and etc. what am i going to do? pine my whole life for this man who wont be with me. anyway. going to movies with steve and maybe jamielynn. havent heard from her yet. whatever. worked today. it was fun, i suppose. i can see where i might get bored with this job. it is not as busy at the arf as it was at devereux. the kids are fairly subdued. of course they are teenagers in detox etc., so...i am hating my life right now. yes i have a job, finally. yes i am doing fine in school and will graduate as expected. but....i have been having too many days...you know there are good days (few) and bad days, and i know how to handle those pretty much. enjoy the good days but dont get too carried away cause the crash is hard. just go with the bad days, they will pass, probably. but the days in between, i just dont know, i feel lost...like i am faking life or i am someones dream...i hate those days. i would rather be in the deepest of depressions than have another blah day. going now before i puke on my self pity.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-09 19:33
Subject:uh huh
Security:Public
Mood: blah

so steve made me get another my online journal. he just wants to read it and get inside my head. thats okay. it gets lonely in here. nothing to report, just a sad sad sad little life. of course i watched american beauty again today. first time i didnt cry when i watched it. usually i do. i don't know if i lost those feelings or if they are just not so close to the surface anymore. i get the beauty thing, and the smallness of personal existence, and the enormity of everyday life. not much else to report. i have plans to work friday first shift and a movie late with steve. it will be nice to see him again, it has been almost a month. i just dont want him to read all about jaime and get all guy weird on me. whatever. jeez, my life is boring.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-08 14:06
Subject:jaime called
Security:Public
Mood:unaffected
Music:dmb

yes jaime called numerous times this weekend. he called when i was dining with jamie lynn at applebees. then he called last night while i was watching six feet and then again while i was watching sopranos. we just talked. nothing specific. but he called. 3 times. anyway. uneventful...worked all day friday, nightmare coming home, missed the 408. next time right through town. got home when jamielynn called. ate out with her and sat for hours. it was nice. shes good company. the waiter i mean server, kyle, was quit congenial. spent the evening schmoosing us. had the kids all weekend. saw hidalgo. it was good. and thats it really. may work wednesday. need to learn more about drug effects macro and micro, for work. so i can relate a little with these kids, who are alright by the way. gotta go get ginny for the dentist now...like i said no real happenings. thought a lot about kenn lately, and i think he was in my dreams last night. whatever. dream comes from where i dont remember but initially meant joy...interesting. more on dreams in next installment.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-03 20:55
Subject:imadummie
Security:Public
Mood: discontent
Music:grateful dead

yeah, im stupid. so today in class, jaime sat up one row instead of directly in front of me. coincidence, probably. on break he sought me out, actually walked with me to talk instead of heading straight to the mens room. then while i was warming outside, he came out to talk with me. it was nice. but after class walked outside with me and went to his car, last week he walked me to mine...then no chatting, just got in his car. did say he would call me and we would do something. so i guess the whole friends thing is for real. and now i suspect that it was a nice way to either say, lets just be friends...or that if i wouldnt sleep with him...nah. maybe the first, but not the sex thing. hes not that type, i dont believe. and of course i am taking it way to personally, he probably had things to do. after all the world does not revolve around me. i just wish something would go my way. of course, perhaps my job should be my focus...and school and getting on a research team and preparing for the gre. i just want a love life. is that too much to ask? someone i can count on, who counts on me. someone who says the alternative is unfulfilling when i ask why oh why do i put myself through it all regarding all the crap with school and finding my purpose regarding work. i could work at walmart and greet people. i could do anything, it just wouldnt be satisfying if i didnt try to make a difference in some capacity. sure the guy who helps me out to the car with my groceries is making a small difference in my life. i get a chance to chat about the weather with someone, and he always says have a good day. whatever. i just like this guy and i hate it that it is just like highschool...things dont change when you get older. fed up. i mean, really, what are the odds that he is going to fall for me now? the statute of limitations has expired. on a good note, doing very well in school. all midterms a's, papers perfect so far. only beh mod to get back. and with 60 points available out of 50...no worries.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-02 08:11
Subject:whatever
Security:Public
Mood: amused
Music:norah jones

so nothing new...of course. sex and the city has ended and nothing on sundays until the sopranos premiers next week, is it? all my shows have ended it seems. friends, ed, sex, what am i going to do? i am sure i will get over it. should see jaime tonight, but have decided to cool it a little. if he were more interested, then maybe i could show more enthusiasm. but something happened in december with some girl...and now i have to pay those consequences. at least i will know that if we hook up it wont be on a whim or anything like that. and he doesnt want to be casual. whatever. i am over it, i think. have been down the last few days. spent a lot of time at home doing schoolwork. havent heard from steve. havent talked to jamielynn since friday, i guess. need to fix her pants. hope andre doesn't call again. i hate putting him off and i dont want to hurt his feelings but i cannot do the casual sex thing. i am not someones booty call. and he will sleep with anyone, it seems. sherry and ryan. omigod. jamielynn was telling me how sherry was following (stalking) ryan and they ended up on chris' front lawn having a fist fight. very funny. over andre...good grief. ppl are strange. i wish i could have seen it. now i dont know who the instigator is. cant keep up with the drama. hate being out of the loop. oh well, will be back to work on friday. just hate starting new someplace. have to figure out who to trust, who is fun, who is not...etc. politics. hate it. and i am not happy about larissa picking gil and not brian. and what is the deal with her dating fabio and gil up and leaving when he finds out? so she ends up alone. as she deserves. whatever. someone will pick her, shes too pretty to be alone for long. sucks.

post a comment



Date:2004-02-28 19:14
Subject:long day of teasing
Security:Public
Mood: confused
Music:50 first dates soundtrack

jaime showed up at 1130 to study for the midterm. he was looking so good. we are studying and he is just answering questions left and right. so smart...i love that. then i took the midterm online...and he waited around till i was finished. we talked and sprawled on the bed. then he took the midterm. he just left. it's going to be difficult to convert this friendship to the next level. seems some crazy girl was all weird on him in december and he and his buddies decided to just keep relationships with girls on the friend-level. but he is hesitant. trying to keep us there, but wanting to move forward. i wont push. i respect his principles; i am glad he told me, otherwise i would have taken it as rejection. after all, we have already crossed the friendship line. friends dont makeout. and i was able to tell him that i wanted to be more than friends because i like him more than that, but that if he only wanted to be friends i could deal with that. hes too good a guy to discount due to this obstacle to romance and love. truthfully though, i am very attracted to him on many levels...and i am ready for a relationship after getting my heart ripped out and impaled on a fencepost and displayed for the world to see. i want to try again. and i don't want to be rejected...ack. but i can sense that he is second-guessing himself a little, so...i wont push it. but i guess he didn't count on meeting me and liking me. whatever. i wont get my hopes up. play it by ear. now i will be all sophomoric and list all the things i like about him: his smile, his beautiful eyes, his sense of humor, his brain...he is so smart, he speaks spanish fluently, he loves dave matthews, he likes animals (even my cats!), he encourages me to eat dessert, he knows just the right thing to say, he asks me what i am thinking and is interested in knowing, he is tight with his family, he likes to read, he has freckles...ad nauseum...oh well. im done. i have to stop because i am going to develop some real feelings for him and get crushed because he wants to be friends. what if he told me that so he could really say, "i like you for a friend"? omigod. ouch. oh well. ill get over it i guess. its not like im in love with him. its not like hes kenn, my true love...lost. havent been thinking about him all that much really. which is good, because i miss him. stop stop stop stop stop. brain dont go there. theres this ancient indian saying goes like this: what goes around comes around.....yep. its a joke sort of. i like it. anyway. maybe jaime will choose me. why and how do i get myself in these ambiguous situations? its like a setup.

post a comment



Date:2004-02-26 20:50
Subject:midterms and duct tape
Security:Public

so midterms have been killing me. they aren't difficult...just time consuming. finally got the journal entries written. how lame. i thought it would be easy, it wasn't. i was just not happy with the idiotic entries. picking the songs was easy enough. but it would have been better to say something original or at least creative. 5 one-page responses to the religious aspects of popular music. very tedious and not at all satisfying. i am a better writer. much better.
on the jaime front, phone sex. moving fast i guess. i could just die of embarrassment though. but things were fine with us today. i guess he likes me. it's not like i gave him a bj or anything. i wouldn't at this juncture, but what in the world compelled me to get busy over the phone. omigod. anyway. he wanted to kiss me while we were standing by the car after class, yesterday. but he was too shy? i guess. and i didn't want to put him on the spot or get rejected. so i didn't kiss him either. i figured if he really wanted to he would. so we stood there talking like a couple of junior high kids. good grief. he is very cute. and so smart. i love smart guys. i like him. i really do. i am scared to death. but he is reserved for a reason. very guarded. holds himself close and uses humor as a defense mechanism, much in the way i use sarcasm. so we have lots in common. and he told me about his past a little regarding meds and such. so the old theory of assortative mating is at play. well, birds of a feather. but how do the crazies keep finding me? are we all nuts? maybe we are all just a little bit bats...but if that is true...then why is it consider dysfunctional and abnormal? hmmm. well. he seems to have a level head and good attitude. so no big head case.
called steve...left a message since he was sleeping, im sure. maybe we will see a movie this weekend. or go hear some music. whatever. jamie lynn called me last night. she was so pissed. just overworked and underappreciated. it happens. you cant please everyone all the time. she is such a sweetie sometimes. i understand her frustration and i tried to be a good friend.
meanwhile, ginny decided she would put duct tape on her legs to get the hair off, instead of shaving. i noticed her legs were hairless. i don't want her shaving yet. but her stupid twit of a friend (some friend) made fun of her and called her an ape or something. so she used duct tape. i asked her if it hurt. she said, well yeah. i am now going to veg in front of the telly and eat oatmeal. and it is f-ing cold out. btw. went to space coast jr sr tonight. even though i have never seen him there and never been there before tonight...i felt so weird and uncomfortable i couldn't wait to leave. i left as soon as stuart was finished playing. i could just die. why does he have that effect on me still? when will his hold over me be gone? why do i still love him? ack

post a comment



Date:2004-02-17 14:57
Subject:start job tomorrow
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:dave matthews

so i braved the cold morning and went to class. all the way over there to listen to the prof go on about the same stuff i have been studying for years. i wish he would get to the new information. i have a feeling that there is not meat to get to. just more of the same psychodynamic perspective, behavioral, cognitive behavioral, family, omigosh. i just thought some of this class would be different from ab psych. of course it overlaps...but this is ridiculous. department of redundancy department stuff. talked to jeff, said i should talk to jaime. keep the lines of communication open. but don't rush things. take it easy. stuff i already figured. start the new job at the arf tomorrow. not nervous, really. just a little anxious. home for almost 3 months...get used to having plenty of time for homework, television, reading, social life...ie jaime. class tonight. jose will run on and on, but...as long as he's not pushing some agenda...and jaime will be there. i have mentioned jaime what 3, 4 times...he's on my mind. of course, so is kwd.

post a comment



Date:2004-02-16 01:30
Subject:
Security:Public

just finished im with jaime. i really like him, but don't know how he feels about me. i have known him for a few months, and we hang out and stuff...but...i don't know. he must like me back. why all the stupid high school stuff? does he like me? junk like that. he knows i like him; i told him.
anyway. saw 50 1st dates with steve on friday. our valentines day protest. the pseudodate. it was a very funny movie, but it still made me cry...and hate valentines day even more.
worked on my papers for tino. so two down, three to go. just can't get motivated. maybe if i sleep tonight. and don't turn on the tv when i get up. and if jaime isn't online to im. got to get these papers done. new job starts wednesday. very excited, but ive had so much time off from work...the lack of stress due to time limitations has afffected my motivation. i guess i really do work better under pressure. who knew? tomorrow, work work work work. til it's done.

post a comment


archives
my journal