Paige's Journal

Friday, June 25, 2004

5:03PM - revelation ?.. pray!

So.. John was here and my mommy wasnt so we decided to go outside. We went to Danielle house and she was whispering things underneath of her breath like I couldnt here. So, I didnt want to start anything there so I came home and we got into it. EVERYTHING boiled over and escaped from us. I was crying SO fucking hard and then mummy came home so I rushed into my room and started writing everything in my fucking head. I write REALLY small and it was in a college ruled journal. I'm gonna type it all up in here.


Well, I was gnna type it up in here but curretnly i dont feel like it. I will sooner or later.. prolly. but basically I realized that these are the things I need to change:
-*- talking to people about things that bother me before they esalade into larger things that erupt horribly
-*- not letting people run over me so much
-*- dont talk about people
-*- give 100%
-*- TRY when i get to high school
-*- realize that death is not the answer for everything
-*- keeping a journal. so everything isnt jumbled crazily inside my head

I'm gonna try to change that this summer before HHS.



Anywhoo.. today at camp I was walking with this little girl (one of my campers) and she said "You know.. you really should have a boyfriend. You're so pretty!!!" and I just smiled and inside I was thinking.. she's right! I'm not gonna spend my time depressed and silly over Dre!!! What's finished is finished. I dont even miss him really.. I mean.. I'm gonna member out last kiss.. and first kiss and w/e.. stuff like that but it's all in the past now! I'm not calling him.. and if he calls me **which he WONT** and we start talking again. It's whatever. From this point on I feel like starting over and I dont give a fuck.
I'm moving on! I am SO much better than what he deserves!

Current mood: pleased
Current music: Lizze McGuire
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5:03PM - revelation ?.. pray!

So.. John was here and my mommy wasnt so we decided to go outside. We went to Danielle house and she was whispering things underneath of her breath like I couldnt here. So, I didnt want to start anything there so I came home and we got into it. EVERYTHING boiled over and escaped from us. I was crying SO fucking hard and then mummy came home so I rushed into my room and started writing everything in my fucking head. I write REALLY small and it was in a college ruled journal. I'm gonna type it all up in here.


Well, I was gnna type it up in here but curretnly i dont feel like it. I will sooner or later.. prolly. but basically I realized that these are the things I need to change:
-*- talking to people about things that bother me before they esalade into larger things that erupt horribly
-*- not letting people run ove rme so much
-*- dont talk about people
-*- give 100%
-*- TRY when i get to high school
-*- realize that death is not the answer for everything
-*- keeping a journal. so everything isnt jumbled crazily inside my head

I'm gonna try to change that this summer before HHS.



Anywhoo.. today at camp I was walking with this little girl (one of my campers) and she said "You know.. you really should have a boyfriend. You're so pretty!!!" and I just smiled and inside I was thinking.. she's right! I'm not gonna spend my time depressed and silly over Dre!!! What's finished is finished. I dont even miss him really.. I mean.. I'm gonna member out last kiss.. and first kiss and w/e.. stuff like that but it's all in the past now! I'm not calling him.. and if he calls me **which he WONT** and we start talking again. It's whatever. From this point on I feel like starting over and I dont give a fuck.
<12>I'm moving on! I am SO much better than what he deserves!

Current mood: pleased
Current music: Lizze McGuire
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Thursday, June 24, 2004

8:06PM - joooohns here!

[x] they call me: Paige, Paigey, Paigey Poo, Paiger Pants, Nena, Capri, Scuba, Wheez, Evil, Bitch

[x] my first breath of air: September 28th

[x]sign: l.i.b.r.a

[x] hometown: StThomas

[x] status: i want Andre..

[x] occupation: student/aspiring model/ horrible soccer star

[x] ethnic background: Dominican, West Indian, French, Black

[x] siblings: a few.. real and not

*Random*

[x] feeling: kinda down..

[x] Talking to: Izzy and Harjot kinda..

[x] doing: this

[x] craving: i kinda gotta pee not a craving but.. know what i mean?

[x] thinking of: the usual (Dre :-/)

[x] hating: the feeling of my havng to pee
*Love*

[x] first love: Dre

[x] current love: Dre.. i think

[x] is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time?: nope

[x] when love hurts, you: cry. alot

[x] true or false: all you need is love: the stars, a pretty river, and a journal

[x] is there such thing as love @ first sight?:no

*Which?*

[x] dog or cat: kitty

x] short or long hair:i enjoy both

[x] sunshine or rain: rain

[x] moon or sun: moon

[x] basketball or football: football!

[x] righty or lefty: righty

[x] hugs or kisses: hugs

[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: 10 acquaintances

[x] tv or radio: tv

[x] starbucks or jamba juice: starbucks

[x] mcdonalds or burger king: mcdonalds

[x] car or motorcycle: motorcycle

[x] yahoo messenger or aim: aim

[x] google or ask jeeves?: google

*Random #2*

[x] can you swim?: yep

[x] whats under your bed? un explainable

[x] what are you scared of? mysel

[x] what is your greatest accomplishment: living so long

[x] do you like tomatoes?: yess

[x] how many TVs in the house?: 2

[x] how many phones?: 2 regular and 2 cells

[x] how many residents?: 1 other than me

[x] last dentist visit: is root canalist a detist?

[x] last doctor visit: while ago

[x] last phone call: yesturday lol

*Your Looks*

[x] Hair color: brown.. yellow, redish

[x] Eye color: dark brown

[x] Height: 5' 9"

[x] shoe size: 10

[x] Do u wear contacts or glasses? gettn classes soon

[x] Do you have any piercing? yes

[x] Do you wear any rings/jewelry? my anklet.. and earrings and a neckalace

[x]. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? me.

*Just Lately*

[x] How are you today? not too well..

[x]. What pants are you wearing right now? those sweat shorts

[x]. What shirt are you wearing right now? black tank

[x] What does your hair look like at the moment? messy bun

[x] How is the weather right now? really pretty.. th suns starting to set

[x]. Last person you talked to on the phone?dre..

[x] Who are you talking to right now? john is at my hizzle

[x]. What time is it? 7:29
*More about You*

[x]. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 8175

[x]. If u were a crayon, what color would you be? black, HOT ASS PINK

[x]. What's the next CD you are going to buy? Ashlee Simpson

[x]. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be? my ass

[x] Where do you shop the most? Hot topic

[x] How many kids do you want to have? at least 2

[x] Son's name? Stephen

[x]Daughter's name? Ryan.. or something

[x]Shampoo: motions

[x] Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?depens on my mood

[x] Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? sprained a wrist playing soccer.. yeah. thats me

[x] Who's the loudest friend you have? Danielle of course

[x]who's the quietest friend? me and quiet ppl dont get along very well

*You and Love*

[x] Do you have a boyfriend? ugh.. no

[x]. Do you have a crush? yupp

[x] Who is your crush? ANDRE

[x].Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Europe.. somewhere that the city lights can b seen while I'm sitting on the beach looking @ the moons glare on black water ((cause its dark))

*Your Favorites*

[x] Color: black and blue

[x] food: pizza

[x] Candy: milky ways

[x] Sport: soccer

[x] number: 3

[info]
(*) name? Paige
(*) nicknames? look above
(*) country? usa
(*) age? 13
(*) criminal report? nope
(*) fears? I already answered
(*) all time dream? findng a love *friend or lover* and not hurtng them or gettng hurt by them
(*) dream job? model.. traveler for pretty stuff

[Have you ever..]
(*) gotten drunk? yes
(*) pick pocketed a stranger?no
(*) tryed to sell something on the streets? no
(*) invented something? lol yeah
(*) killed someone? no
(*) tried to commit suicide? yes
(*) slept with someone? not i.
(*) thought about death? yeah
(*) thought that life sucked? yess
(*) kissed a girl/boy on the lips? both
(*) been in 2 places at once? ive been in 2 moods at once.. did that make me sound skitzo?

[Do you..]
(*) have a tattoo? not yet
(*) do drugs? never
(*) smoke? hell no
(*) have peircing(where?)? ear.. soon belly button. agen
(*) have a gun? no
(*) drink alcohal? sometimes
(*) party? yeas
(*) have a b/f or g/f? answered
(*) ever think that dying would help? hell yea
(*) go to school? yes
(*) have a part-time job? no

[for or against]
(*) teen drinking? undecdided
(*) pre-marriel sex? yeh
(*) black market? if it makes dat money
(*) suicide? against
(*) KKK/ racisim? against
(*) smoking? against
(*) long distance relationship? against
(*) hippies? definitly for
(*) skateboarding/bmx/motocross?fo
(*) faternities/soroitys? fo!

[either or]
(*) Baby Blue or Pink? hm..
(*) Rock or Rap? rock
(*) hugging or kissing?hugging
(*) Partying or Studying? partying
(*) Pyro or firefighter? pyro
(*) Sleepwalking or Sleeptalking? sleeptalking
(*) bikeriding or walking? walking
(*) cars or trucks? cars
(*) sun or the moon? moon
(*) singing or dancing? both. together
(*) acting or backstage? acting

[how many]
(*) peircings? 2
(*) kids? 2
(*) best "true" friends do you have? 1
(*) times have you been in love? once.. and it still hurts
(*) things do you regret? many
(*) pants do you own? alot?
(*) times you been in jail? zero
(*) cuts you have on your body? not gonna count..
(*) parties you went to? dont know...a good number

[are you..]
(*) an athlete? yeah
(*) vegetarian? yeah
(*) a good driver? doubt it
(*) a good friend? i try..
(*) a drinker? yeh
(*) a smoker? no!

[favorite]
(*) holiday? lol.. Easter
(*) food? chuuuup
(*) movie? 13, Practical Magic, Save the Last Dance,
(*) song? hm.. i <3 musice
(*) band/singer? Smile Empty Soul
(*) girl name? Ryan
(*) boy name? Dre
(*) drink non alcohalic? shirley temple
(*) drink alcohalic? sex on the beach
(*) scent? Phoenix.. Axe
(*) planet? Saturn

[what would you do if..]
(*) your friends ditched you? if in public.. cry
(*) you got arrested? cry HARD
(*) you got pregnant? if i was ready be scared for delivery
(*) you got really ill? get bettera?
(*) you were put on an island alone for 15 years? hm.. would i get a nice tan?

[last...]
(*) person you called? i dunno..
(*) person who called you? this asks the same questions alot
(*) movie you watched? Love & Basketball
(*) song you listened to? M, Myself, and I
(*) thing you ate? pie
(*) person you saw? john bon
(*) website you visited? my old blurtay
(*) thing you serched on google.com or yahoo.com? i dunt member
(*) dream you had? forget..
(*) person you hugged? Dre..




Have you ever...(put an X next to the things that apply to you)
(x) been drunk.
( ) smoked pot
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) rode in a taxi.
(x) been dumped.
(x) shoplifted.
( ) been fired.
(x) been in a fist fight.
( ) had a threesome
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
( ) been arrested.
(x) made out with a stranger
( ) stole something from my job
( ) celebrated new years in times square.
( ) went on a blind date.
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(X)skipped school

a p p e a r a n c e
Height: been answerd

Hair color: brown

Skin color: brown

Eye color: brown

Piercings: 2 holes both ears

Tattoos: not yet
What color are the pants that you are wearing? pink

What song are you listening to right now? silly Fairly OddParents
What taste is in your mouth? spit? :-D

What's the weather like now? answered
How are you? poor earless fellow

Get motion sickness? nah
Have a bad habit? alot

Like to drive? yesum

f a v o r i t e s
TV show: Real World, Daria, SpongeBob, Fairly Oddparents!!
Conditioner: motions
Book: anything that has troubled teens & sex

Non-Alcoholic drink:omg..

Alcoholic drink: coconut rum.. da REAL kind
Thing to do on the weekend: chill

h a v e y o u...
Broken the law: who hasn't

Ran away from home: not technichly

Gone skinny dipping: no
Ever tipped over a porta potty:no

Used your parents' credit card before: yeh

Fell asleep in shower/bath: no

Been in a school play: yeah

l o v e
Boyfriend/girlfriend: i dont get it..

Current crush: Dre

Been in love: sigh..

Had a hard time getting over someone: still recovering.. trying. hard

Been hurt: yea

Greatest regret: a few

Gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days: nope

r a n d o m
Do you have a job: no

Your cd player has in it right now: i think.. Britney Spears, EvanEsence, Missy Elliot, 2 more.. i dunno

If you were a crayon what color would you be: wow.. a litl repetitive hunh?

What makes you happy: anything that doesnt make me cry

Next CD you're gonna get: OMG
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t

Time you cried: on my way 2 sleep last night

Time you got a real letter: a while ago..

You got an important e-mail: last time Nolo emaild me

Thing you purchased: myself?

Movie you saw in the theater: i think Mean Girls..









john's here so ill write later.. were goin outside now

Current mood: bouncy
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

5:23PM - sigh..

It's been really hard lately. Usually, the summer's really chill & laid back cause we're out of school drama but.. yeah.
Danielle used to be my best friend. I mean serious. She's just like me.. she USED to be just like me. We USED to be just liek each other. Then she started going out with Justino. Shes taking drugs, and having sex, and making bad choices and I know im really hyprocrytical cause I make bad choices too but I dont wanna loose someone I love to stuff like that and I mean I love her with my life.. and it hurts cause I know her.. and I know I cant talk to her about how I feel because she wont listen and I'm just like.. standing in the sidelines watching her throw her life away. She was pretty good when we first met and feel like in some ways I corrupted her because the path shes going down now is exactly how I used to want to be.. and I stand back now and im so happy I'm not. But at the same time it sucks that its happening to ppl I love and I cant do shit about. And shes changed like **Andre says Danielle is his best friend or w/e and she thinks its great that he confides in her more than me and since she thought me and Dre werent talking there wasnt a reason for me to be jealous of her and now that she knows me and him are talking.Shes trying to make there friendship all great agen so that I could be jealous or something** and I dont really mean it. But thats how it feels.. and shes been so evil to me.. and shes had an attitude. She doesnt call me anymore. And everynight I find myself crying b/c I love her and we are one of a kind. I miss her.. and it hurts.
And my ex-boyfriend. Andre. We went through sooooo much. SOOOO much. Today, I just realized I didnt love him anymore. But, I cant loose him because it'll hurt me so bad. Everytime we break up its just liek we go out cause we're still kissing and stuff but he has more feeling for me than I have for him. Thats the way its always has been. But it doesnt mean that I dnt care about him, because I do. I loved him sooo much. And even now I think about him a lot and stuff like that. I dont want him to be with anybody else. But I dont wanna be with him because when we go out he like forgets about me and all his other whores are all he cares about. It seems he cares more them than he does me. I used to have this image of him that he was the big pimp playa type or w/e and I was just beginning to get over it then yesturday he was like "ur so jealous.. i cant wait until u leave.. were not gonna b talkng when u come back" and stuff like that then.. he aplogized **Surprise surprise** cause I dragged him down to the river and i was soo mad at him cause on the way down there there was this girl passing in this car and he was like "damn! did u see her?!" And he was being a reaaaaally big ass.So I was like kicking him and beating him and hitting him and i threw him on da grass and shit. But down there it was weird. Today I realized that he only says stuff like that b/c he wants to get over me cause he thinks that i wont b with him and thats why he says the things he says like he cant wait 4 m e to leave jus cause he wants to get over me and he wants to stop talkng to that he CAN get over me but he's kinda addicted and he doesnt wanna let go @ the same time. And I dont want to let go of him. I know because when he told me that we werent gonna talk anymore I was crying my eyes out. But honestly, I feel like I dont want to be with him but if the only way to keep him by my side is to go out with him then I will. But it'll be different than before because I wont tell anyone. Its not like I have anyone to tell anyways..
I dont have very many friends right now. Liz and Kristin is basically it. Kris is always with Geva and Liz is in VA. Liz talks to me about a lot of her problems but I dont really know how to respond to them so.. I do the best I can. And I always wanna talk to her about mines because she listens really well and we're on the same page. For example.. we both miss the old Danielle. And we both dont understand how you can live your life high or stoned 24/7.
I'm not looking forward to high school at all. At all...
I cant wait to leave for the summer. I can't wait for Soccer camp with Krissy then leaving for StThomas. I love it down there. So much. I'm so fucking happy down there. SO. FUCKING.HAPPY. I would move down there but it's just so fucking boring *(*besides da beach*)* compared to down here. They get movies two months later and the mall is HORRIBLE. It's really not even a mall. But during the summer it's great. It keeps me sane. Maybe living down therw would just take away.

I just missed having a blurty. So, this is my first entry. Dear blurty. Thanks for listening :-)





Is there anyone out there. Cause its getting harder and harder to breath?

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: Miss You -Blink 182
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