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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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X Japan - Moonlight Sonata |
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I miss Shinya so much!
Two day ago I got a call from my father saying that mom was very sick and that I should visit them, so I went, seeing it as a miracle that my father actually wanted my visit, well, maybe mom asked him to call, I was really happy. Took the first flight I could back to Nagano. When I arrived, there was no one waiting for me there, but I didnt really care, so I took a cab and went home. Once there I could obviously see that the whole family was gathered inside, cousins, aunts and uncles, everyone. I hadnt seen them in a while. I never expected what happened next when I knocked on the door, some unknown little cousin opend and that was alright, but then I had everyone staring at me, like if I was some kind of monster, their horrified look made me wonder what was wrong. My father came rushing towards me and pulled me outside with him, closing the door behind us. He just stared at me, like everyone else had done, and after a moment, started yelling about how I was such a disgrace for him and the whole family for looking like a girl and wearing makeup and being gay...I just looked at him and said "Is this what you wanted me to come for? Just so that you could take your anger out at me just like you used to do when I was little!?" I almost fainted there, memories flashed before my eyes and he just stood there, his mouth half open... I couldnt take it...I just ran with no direction but it felt like I knew where I was going..yes, I knew..it was the place that I used to go when hiding from him, just like now..sometimes even staying for days until the feeling of safety came back to me..
Somehow I gatherd whatever courage I had left and went to see my mother, I didnt care anymore if they were going to look at me as a freak, or what they would think. I came all the way back facing my past just to see the only person that really loved me and ecouraged me to go on during those hard times. So I went in without knocking, my eyes fixated on that door that I knew would lead me to her, man tried to stop me but no one is stronger than the love I feel for her, my creator, my teacher, always there for me when I needed her the most, listening, advicing, she never cared how sttuborn I was at times, all she wanted was to make me as happy as she could. As I opened the door quickly turning to lock it, a chill ran on my spine, her familiar scent filled my nostrils, a tears rolled down my cheek when I heard her weak voice calling out for me "Toshimasa.." she said, that beautiful sound that seemed like delicate glass, so perfect. Finally, I turned around, I wasnt ready for what my eyes would meet, never had I seen her so frail and pale, what disease was doing this?, I had no idea. Kneeling by her she took my hand with hers, so small and cold now, I held it as gently as I could, afraid of breaking it like a porcelain doll. But her eyes were still vivid, not yet opaqued by death, that brought hope back to me that she would recover. Those dark pools with amazing bright, always reminding me of the clear nights when the start shine with all their strength. We talked a lot, about details and how life had been without each other, her problems here with dad and my adventures with the band, even though some of the things I said did hurt her, probably even more than they had hurt me, she always smiled, that smile of comfort that kept me going for so long.
Silence had taken over the crowd outside, the only sound I could hear was her breathing. After a time that seemed like seconds to me she said that I should leave, go back to my life and forget about my past, that I had carried it with me for far too long now. She was right, but I didnt want to leave her alone, back to her silent suffering, into that loneliness. She insisted, and so I left, no one said a thing.
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awake
happy
worried
indescribable
silly
amused
sore
angry
loved
energetic
excited
