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Thursday, September 17th, 2009
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3:34 pm
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Really family? Fucking really? I do so much and no one fucking cares. So what set this off was the fact that my dad asked for a ride to pick up his Jeep. I told him it would be a little bit... I had JUST gotten home from school and needed to grab something to eat and shower and stuff. Now I'll admit, I'm not the fastest person... it's been almost exactly 3 hours since he asked, but he said he could get it anytime, so it wasn't like it was a HUGE rush. Well, I rushed. My hair now sucks because I dried it as soon as I washed it, and I'm not wearing makeup, and half the clothes I'm wearing are dirty... all so I could get him to the Jeep dealer ASAP. Ok well I go ask him if he wants to go, and he gets all mad and tells me no. Thanks a whole fucking lot. You could have told me you didn't want to go before I rushed. Or at least said "no, THANKS". What the fuck?
In addition, they are completely unappreciative of everything I've done to try to save money in this house. I look at it as a crisis: we have no money. I'm trying to save money on energy and come up with ideas for money and stuff, and they just don't want to hear it. I spend a good amount of time hanging a whole bunch of socks and underwear up so we wouldn't have to use the dryer. So my mom decides that's stupid and she wants to do another load of laundry and use the drying rack for that, so what does she do? Yup, take all the socks and underwear off the drying rack and throws it into the dryer. PLUS, she refuses to turn off the TV. Oh, and did I mention she hasn't cleaned out the freezer downstairs so we can turn it off like I suggested?? She thought me cashing in cans/bottles and doing surveys online was absolutely ridiculous and basically shot it down. I try to find her little part time jobs and she says she wants to wait... wait for what?! Our mortgage to default?? My dad still buys pizza and random little things that add up, and they're still planning on going on their Columbus Day weekend trip.
I'm the youngest person in this household - why am I the only one who knows how to/cares about saving money?
Really, I need to be on my own. As soon as I'm done with school, I can't wait to have my own place. Oh, and a TON of money in my bank account.
That's the last time I try to help.
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| Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
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3:11 pm
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I'm a Rhode Islander. I think the only thing I know about my life right now is that I want to stay here. I fit in here. I have a tight group of friends, family, and contacts. I don't want to "get out of this place", I don't want to up and leave because it's what everyone says people "should" do.
If you're happy somewhere, why mess it up? I'm happy. I'm perfectly content being a part of this small, stubborn, closed-minded community. I see it as a blessing. People don't like Rhode Island because it's so closed off; the people here aren't very accepting at first because they're used to being with the friends they've had since they were born. There's nothing wrong with that. I would rather have people like that, loyal and stationary, than people who are just out to make a lot of different superficial friends because they feel they need to broaden their horizons.
Once you get to know them, Rhode Islanders really are wonderful people. I am one... hahaha. My ex-boyfriend wasn't from around here, and had a hard time fitting in. One thing that I've noticed is that most outsiders have a hard time fitting in because they try too hard to fit in. They're fake about it. People around here don't like fakers. We aren't Malibu. We're quirky people, and we'll accept you for who you are, provided you're willing to show us the real you. Buy your clothes at Wal-Mart? Who cares? Run up and hug complete strangers? Great! That's how we are... we aren't afraid to show our true selves.
Now who would want to leave that? Unless, of course, you don't know who you really are, or you just don't want to accept it.
I've lived here my entire life. I went to public schools, and now I'm at a public university... University of Rhode Island. I've loved every minute of my public education. You wanna know our song??
"We're Rhode Island born and we're Rhode Island bred,
And when we die, we'll be Rhode Island dead.
So go go Rhode Island Island, go go Rhode Island Island,
Go Rhode Island, U-R-I!"
There we go. That's me.
I'm in love with my friends. I'm in love with my family. I love walking around town and knowing everyone. I love going to different towns and still knowing everyone. I love that despite the fact that we've been out of high school for a few years, we're all still best friends. We all still hang out with each other, and probably will be for the rest of our lives.
Why would I want to leave that??
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
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2:15 pm
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Good, go. Nobody likes you. You have nothing to keep you here. You have no friends, no reliable family, no future. You have victims of your psychotic ways, and people who look down on you for your disgusting and neurotic personality, and you don't seem to understand that you are far inferior to anyone around here.
I'm glad you're leaving. Get out of my life. Get out of my town. Get out of my state. Good, go.
You damaged so much. You'll continue to do damage as long as you're still around. But at least it won't be around me anymore. Move away. See if I ever miss you. I won't. You won't miss me. I was too good for you, even though you weren't supposed to have any impact on my life, nor was I supposed to have any impact on yours. Leave here now.
I do admit, I'm intrigued by you. I've never seen anyone with the inner workings you contain. So you know, I like to watch you from afar, and see the damage you do to yourself, even though you don't realize what you're doing. To you, the world revolves around you. To everyone I have ever met, with the exception of one person, you are a cockroach, a nothing, a loser, someone who hurt a loved one.
Yeah, I have friends. They're more than friends. They're family. They helped me through what you did to me. And now, I have someone who would defend me, someone who makes me feel safe, someone normal.
You weren't my boyfriend. You weren't even close to being my boyfriend. I wanted nothing to do with you, but because you leeched on to my significant other, things got out of control. You made threats towards me, you called me unmentionable things, you physically attacked me. The unnamed "significant other" didn't help me or defend me at all.
So I guess I should thank you. Thank you for making me realize that he wasn't a good boyfriend. That he wouldn't do anything for me, and that he wouldn't protect me. By you treating me like shit, you allowed me to start over, learn the most valuable lessons I've ever learned, and find someone way better.
Ironically, you've helped me as much as you've hurt me. Now you're going away. Good, go.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, September 14th, 2007
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9:59 am - Mi Vida??!
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I don't know why everything's so backwards lately.
I've lost so much weight, and it scares me. It scares me because I want to gain weight so I don't look this skeletal, but also because of my perpetual fear of gaining weight.. So my mind knows I need so more meat on me, but past habits almost prohibit me from doing so. I never, EVER thought I would see the day where I thought I needed to put weight on, but here it is. That's my first backwards experience lately.
Caleb's father left me a voicemail wondering where he was because he hasn't talked to him in 3 weeks. I feel guilty not calling back, but I think I've made a conscious decision not to have anything to do with that entire family anymore. Every day I get more bitter about Caleb. I was, in my own opinion, an amazing girlfriend to him. I gave him a home when he got kicked out, I lent him tons of money (which I never got back), I ditched all my friends to spend time with him, I drove him to the hospital and sat with him every single day while he had that stomach problem, which happened to be the week of my final exams, and because of him, I didn't even study for them. That's just the beginning. It pisses me off that he did nothing for me. I concocted a bunch of things in my head while we were dating that he did for me, but looking back on it, he really didn't do much. He was sweet to me, I'll give him that, but that was only for about 9 months of our relationship.
What makes me even more upset, though, is all that my parents did for him, and how they got nothing in return. They let him live here for a little while, they moved all his stuff out of his house and into his apartment. They got him presents for his birthday and every holiday, and even when there wasn't any special occasion. They wasted so much time and money on him, and now he doesn't even appreciate it. My parents didn't have to do any of that.
What have his parents ever done for me?? Absolutely nothing. They brought me out to dinner maybe 3 times. That's all. No birthday presents or even cards. You can sure as hell bet that if I ever got kicked out of my house, they would never even consider taking me in, or helping me move all my stuff out. They grilled me about school... that's it. THEY never even thanked my parents for taking care of THEIR son while they abandoned him. Now those would have been some crappy in-laws.
This is why I no longer want anything to do with that family. I'm not going to call his father back. It's his own fault he kicked his son out of the house, AGAIN. The thing is, I had talked to him and asked him to take care of Caleb because we broke up and I felt he was headed on the wrong path... that I didn't want him to mess up in school or anything. Um, excuse me? Taking care of does not translate to kicking him out. Way to be a good parent.
My biggest problem is that I still dream about Caleb every night. It sucks. I just want to forget about him, but every night, without fail, I have some sort of dream about him.
I've been seeing more and more guys who catch my eye, though. That's a good thing. The entire time Caleb and I were dating, I only saw maybe 1 or 2 guys who grabbed my attention. I guess I really was "blinded" by love... that's corny. But seriously, it's nice to see so many eligible men around!
I've been having the time of my life. School's going well, my social life is going well, my emotions are going well. I'm finally free. I don't have to call to check in all the time with my boyfriend, and I go out so much more. I used to sit in the house every night waiting for him. Now I go out and have a great time.
A piece of me will always love him, but at the same time, I've been seeing more and more how ridiculous he is. I think it was the lack of normal social skills and the lack of reality that killed me the most. He was never himself. I don't think he really knows what it means to be yourself. He called himself a chameleon a few times.. he was right. It's sad, but true.
Maybe the next man I meet will be real, and original... he'll be himself. That's so important. You can't trust people who aren't true to themselves. They aren't only putting on an act for other people, they're putting on an act for themselves. That's no way to live.
I said I was going to the gym about an hour ago. I guess I'm not going anymore because I have to work in a few hours.
I've been so sentimental lately. Kinda weird, in a way. I used to pride myself on my apathy, but that's all seemed to disappear.
That's another thing I've notices post-breakup. My thinking has changed a lot. I actually think it's done me a lot of good. My confidence has sky-rocketed, and I'm finding so much more meaning in things. Not to mention, I got back a huge piece of myself that I lost while being in that relationship. I write a lot more now, and I meet new people, and hang out with all my friends. I'm so much more care-free.
The lesson I learned that was huge, though: All the pain that comes with a break up WILL go away. I CAN bounce back. After an entire week and a half of crying and refusing to eat and being physically sick, I've become 20 times better than I have been in a long time. I'm so much more alive and refreshed, and all that pain has gone away. I'll have to look back at this the next time something like this happens in my life.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, March 9th, 2007
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7:24 am
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145
There is nothing going well in my life right now.
All I do is sit at this desk, day after day. I have no life. School is my life. I remember when I used to be known for my excellent balance between school and life. Now it's just school.
My eye is killing me. I'm typing this with my eyes closed because I'm unable to keep my eye open for any longer than a couple of seconds.
My feet are disgustingly dry. It's... disgusting.
Caleb might be joining the Marines instead of the Army. He knows full-well how opposed to this I am, having my best friend be over there in Iraq right now. We had a falling-out yesterday.
My nose is running.
I was in severe pain all last night and got about 3 hours of sleep.
I'm steadily gaining weight. No matter how hard I try, I keep gaining.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
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11:22 pm
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It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.
It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)
I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)
But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.
It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.
It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)
I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
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9:22 pm - Fuck you.
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You're a bitch. Plain and simple.
I thought you were my friend. I thought you were the better of the two. But apparently not, seeing as how the other seemed much better.
You didn't even fucking care that I was crying.
Ya see, I'm sorry you're a fucking sheltered girl who's probably never even HAD a boyfriend. Fuck, you don't even seem to have any guy friends. You're sitting on the phone complaining to your mother about your stuffy nose after you kicked my boyfriend out of OUR dorm. Yeah. I own the dorm too.
I could see if this was a nightly, weekly, or even monthly thing. He slept over TWICE last semester: one of those times was because he was homeless, and the other I made sure was a weekend that nobody else, yeah, that means you too, was even there. This semester, he slept over once. Sorry. I've been crying at least twice a week for the past month for all the stress I've been under. He was just being there for me.
Right. You don't understand that.
So I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable to see me sobbing and to see him comforting me. I'm sorry you seem to be grossed out/embarrassed by that.
My fucking boyfriend is leaving to go into the Army.
Ya could be a little more sensitive. Not to mention you've witnessed my terrible semester thus far. So the girl who stayed up all night doing lab reports and studying, and then got up for an 8am lab, then had classes 'til 5pm, then had to deal with her boyfriend's decision to join the Army and finding out he had already talked to a recruiter isn't comforted what-so-ever; she's simply told that her boyfriend being in the dorm makes her uncomfortable and that he should leave. Fuck you.
I think my problems are probably more important than yours. I understand you hate it here and want to transfer. That's because you aren't that great at making friends. I'm sorry. It must suck.
But fuck, put yourself in my shoes. I'm listening to EMO music, for God's sake. You didn't care that I ran out of the room crying when you said that. You didn't care that my boyfriend was desperately searching for me and came back to the room 3 times to see if I was anywhere around.
"You have your own apartment, you should go there."
Way to compromise. Basically: "I'll stay here tonight, sleep in because I have a late class tomorrow. You guys can drive an hour in the snow to your apartment so she can cry on your shoulder, then she can get up at 5am and you can drive her an hour back to make her 9am class, go to another class after that, the drive back home."
Real nice.
I love him. You obviously don't understand love. I love him more than I've ever loved any other guy. We've been together almost 8 months. I know that doesn't seem like a lot... but... I don't know.
He's been there for me. He sits there with me every weekend while I stress out about homework. He's there when I spend entire days studying and not showering and being disgusting, and he still gives me back massages and milkshakes when I do my homework or get stressed. My friends think I don't call them anymore because of him. In all reality, it's because of college. Seriously, the amount of work I have in one week here is about the equivalent of an entire year's worth of high school homework. So yeah, I'm with him all the time, but that's because he sits with me. Would you all sit with me for an entire weekend and watch me do homework? I didn't think so.
So yeah. Basically, a huge fuck you to every one and everything.
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| Friday, July 7th, 2006
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10:06 pm - Bitching.
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So this is where I come when I feel the need to bitch without creating drama/livejournal comments.
Alright. So apparently I am absolutely hiddeous, disgusting, and just plain terrible. Why else wouldn't I have found "the one" yet? Fuck the independent girl cover, I really am pretty damn lonely. I just want someone, ya know? I look around and there's all these happy couples and I think "what does that girl have that I don't?". I know I'm not the prettiest, or the thinnest, or have the biggest books, or have the best personality, but seriously, do they? I've started to think that I overestimate myself, even though I rank extremely low in the self confidence department. Maybe I don't realize that I'm actually a massive, ugly heap of disgust that's obnoxious and horrible to be around. Maybe that's why I haven't had a relationship in over a year. Maybe that's why my former relationships (all whopping 2 of them) have ended so soon (even though I ended them...) and why I've never allowed them to be serious. I'll get hurt. I'm just not worth it to anyone.
current mood:  sad
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
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6:14 pm
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| Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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6:03 pm - Not really an update, More of a list...
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So today I realized that my body is in total disarray...
QUICK! GET ME TOGETHER FOR THIS NICE WEATHER!
My bodily to-do list (haha)
1. Lose 10 lbs
2. Haircut
3. Eyebrows
4. Get rid of pimples and blemishes?
5. I was going to put boobs, but they're helpless. Surgery, anyone?
6. Eh, get a new bra
7. Work on my white ugly stomach
8. Hair removal?
9. Um, make my legs tan?
10. Work out
11. Make my feet nice
12. Schedule a pediatrist appointment (kinda goes with make my feet nice)
13. NAILS (DEATH haha)
14. Get summer clothes that I actually like
15. Artificially tan
16. Don't get skin cancer (been there, done that)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
current mood: Ugly
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| Thursday, February 16th, 2006
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6:33 pm
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It's been a long time.
But, I'm going to try to make myself better. Healthier, especially.
Because I've pigged out 3 days in a row and it's not only making me feel gross, but it's actually stressing me out.
I've known for a while that I have some sort of mental eating disorder type thing, and its not anything that can be defined by the book. It's my thought process behind the food that's so unhealthy and self-deteriorating.
The only way I can control it is by staying within 1800 calories a day, yet by doing that I obsess so much over every calorie that it consumes me.
Starting right now, I'm going to be healthy, and I WILL be 130 lbs by the end of this vacation.
I'll exercise, too.
I know this won't last, this health-excitement, but it's nice to fantasize about.
--VACATION--
current mood:  energetic
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 24th, 2005
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8:28 pm
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im tired. and full. and tired. and in love [lust] with zacky vengeance...
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| Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
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9:35 pm
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aww man im getting all emotional again. i guess this happens every fall... like i start remembering things from the past that i wish i could go back to. Like... last winter... and the christmas when me and stephanie went to drivers ed.... and that maniquin that we touched at the mall... and the drum closet.... and just... everything else. What happened? And along with all those, I also go back to my one wish of finding love during the holidays. seriously, thats always been the thing ive wanted. but now i have to go study. bye.
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| Thursday, August 4th, 2005
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6:32 pm
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| Sunday, June 26th, 2005
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2:06 pm
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so i break up with my boyfriend to go after him, and he ends up hooking up with another chick the day before.
just.my.luck.
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| Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
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7:21 pm
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that fucking bitch. i fucking hate girls.
she doesn't know what i just lost because of her. its all about her, isn't it? yeah. thats right. its always been about her. concieted bitch.
and he doesn't see it. they never see it. unless they're gay.
i need more gay man friends.
but for now... UGH... that fucking dickwad.
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| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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1:31 pm
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"Look What You've Done" by Jet
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
i hate this song. its such a great song, yet ive realized that im the person he's talking about. i need to stop. i wish they would stop. i wish they would all stop. i want to start over. i want to get out of here, forget about all the possibilities, and meet new people. and from there i would never, ever, get as involved in this many people's lives as i have. by that, i mean that i would stay far away from guys. i wouldn't let them like me. because im sick of wreaking havoc on everyone.
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| Friday, January 21st, 2005
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11:06 am
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i hate life. i hate people. i hate not having friends. i hate bristol. i hate school. i hate all the fucking people at mt. hope. i hate myself. im done.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 24th, 2004
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7:30 pm
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I love Christmas
I love friends
I love family
I love men
I love irish things
I love people
I love meeting new people
I love my grandparents
I love my mom and dad, even when they wont let me go places
I love my dog
I love my house
I love my car, a lot
I love the feeling i get when i go driving
I love singing really loud
I love the holiday lights
I love foghorns
I love the ocean
I love the instant slop my mom calls meals
I love walks at night
I love the night
I love the smell of salt water
I love kisses
I love cuddling
I love anyone who accepts my flaws without complaints
I love rock music
I love the drumline
I love more specifically Chad, Rob, Jay, Chris, and Tara and JD and Sam
I love nights out with the guys
I love creepy abandoned buildings
I love the past
I love christmas music
I love people confessing true feelings for me, even when things stand between us
I love LAUGHING
I love smiles
I love the feeling of waking up in a nice warm bed with the sun shining in, knowing i can just lay there for a little while.
And i love so much more
I love Christmastime
and well, I just love life in general.
No, its more like i CRAVE life.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: the TV
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| Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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8:50 am
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