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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
12:49 am - Way Far Away!
Hello Journal,

As with most things I forgot you existed while I was away.

There is so much no longer there here. Used to be where I lived, but now I simply exist. And everything no longer matters, I guess. Have to stay busier than the speed of thought... actually not that difficult.

Later.....

current mood: discontent
current music: How Do I Live - LeAnn Rimes

(1 comment | comment on this)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
3:48 am - Still Missing You
Hello Journal,

Still missing you.

Later.....

current mood: lonely
current music: All I Need - Jack Wagner

(comment on this)

Monday, August 22nd, 2005
1:09 pm - I Remember When...
Hello Journal,

I remember a time when I believed him.

I remember a time when I really thought he was one of the good ones.

I remember a time when I couldn't wait to hear his voice or see his face.

I remember when it no longer mattered to him that I existed.

I remember...

... everything.

Later.....

current mood: sad
current music: Dying - Five For Fighting

(comment on this)

Monday, August 15th, 2005
9:07 am - Where Are You Now?
Hello Journal,

Still missing you.

Your name keeps ghosting through my day.

Later.....

current mood: sad
current music: I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

(comment on this)

Saturday, August 6th, 2005
1:19 pm - Longest Time
Hello Journal,

Such a catchy tune...

Longest Time - Billy Joel )

Later.....

current mood: nostalgic
current music: Longest Time - Billy Joel

(comment on this)

Friday, July 29th, 2005
12:45 pm - When The Heartache Is Over
Hello Journal,

Found a perfect song for today... and yesterday...

When The Heartache Is Over )

One day soon, I hope. Good bye.

Later.....

current mood: sad
current music: When The Heartache Is Over

(comment on this)

Friday, July 22nd, 2005
9:04 pm - Getting rid of the babysitter.....
Hello Journal,

Found this 'story' at Raising My Kids Without TV

Raising My Kids Without TV )

Later.....

current mood: tired
current music: How Do I Live - LeAnn Rimes

(comment on this)

Saturday, July 16th, 2005
5:05 pm - Divorce, anyone?
Hello Journal,

t: I don't know, maybe about the divorce. Or I'll just proceed with it on my own if that's what you want, still, is the divorce.

t: I have the papers already.

t: everything is filled out I just have to go sign myself and have it finalized, and served to you.

t: I had to take a loan to get it done.

t: Everything is taken care of okay.

t: The divorce is straight forward.

Note to self: HE IS SUCH A LIAR!

Later.....

current mood: annoyed
current music: Lonely No More - Rob Thomas

(comment on this)

Thursday, July 14th, 2005
1:51 pm - Hush. Hush Baby, Hush
Hello Journal,

Just wanna remember this:

Hush. Hush Baby, Hush )

And this one:

Hannah's Jumping )

This one too:

Jumping. Jumping. )

Memory builder :)

Later.....

current mood: mellow
current music: Hush Baby, Hush - Ananananauntie

(comment on this)

1:42 pm - Freaking out... freaking out!
Hello Journal,

My offline Journal got moved.

It was 3:15 am and I spent a frantic 1/2 hour unpacking boxes and going through boxes to find my Journal.

It was back in the headboard... so... wondering... how did he know it was mine? Did he read it?

YIKES!

Nothing horrible, but it still feels like someone poking though my private thoughts...

Later.....

current mood: anxious
current music: Hush Baby, Hush - Ananananauntie

(comment on this)

12:22 am - It... Just... Continues...
Hello Journal,

wow... really???

Attachment Disorder

"...Attachment Disorder -- a mental and emotional condition occurring during the first three years of life where a child does not attach, bond, or trust his or her mother.

Specifically if a child experiences any of the following in the first three years of life, that child is at risk for attachment disorder: )

~~~~~

And if a kid has multiple mothers"... one just as horrible as the next?

Oh... the past... what a horrible thing to have to fix. I have a hard enough time dealing with my 'today'... and 'tomorrows'...

~~~~~

Symptoms of attachment disorder may include: )

~~~~~

Interesting... guess those things listed are more in extreme cases, huh?

~~~~~

Whatever Happened To Mother?

~~~~~

Later.....

current mood: frustrated
current music: My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

(comment on this)

12:01 am - Attachment Disorder
Hello Journal,

Thank me for making that note to self... this is something I found:

Attachment Disorder

~~~~~

Current Mood: annoyed... why???? The hopefully soon-to-be ex is typing to me... he just let me know that he is taking the dog... his dog now... to get shots. He emailed me a few days ago to let me know the same thing...

... background...

It was understood that Zack would NOT see a vet... and now the hopefully soon-to-be ex is making decisions... which is fine... my dog was another thing that I have walked away from... but then why tell me that he is going against what I (and I thought we) had agreed on? MEN!!! ggggrrrr... no... not ALL men... just the ones that I have bothered getting to know. There MIGHT be some rational, sane ones out there... but I doubt it.

Later.....

current mood: annoyed
current music: 25 Minutes - Michael Learns To Rock

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
11:58 pm - Walk Away
Hello Journal,

The heat has finally let up. It seemed cold tonight... and still around 20 degrees.

I kinda know where I am moving to... but not sure when. Guess I am headed outta town, maybe until it is figgered out.

Had a great visit last time... which surprised me.

And didn't... have a great visit... and it surprised me.

~~~~~

I went and saw my mom. I was surprised at how much she seemed to *hate* me. She oozed disrespect. Talked to me like I was some kind of maggot, stupid and useless. It shocked me.

Thursday night she seemed friendly. Friday night my other sister showed up with her boyfriend. SUDDENLY I was a piece of garbage and she had nothing good to say about me or to me. I am SO sick of that.

She approached me after I had walked away from a situation that made me sad. She was talking to me. I looked her square in the eyes and asked her if she really wanted to talk about it. She did.

Okay... well... I am SICK of being talked to like I am some stupid, useless thing.

Oh... well... It is all in my mind (eventhough I had told her months earlier that her tone of voice gives her away) and she cannot help how I 'take' things.

... so... she really DID NOT want to talk about it... huh?

So... I walked away. I said 'good bye, thanks for everything' and walked away.

I'm good at that; walking away. The thing is that at this point in my life no one CAN matter. I leave before they leave me. I leave when there seems to be no point to staying. I don't want anyone to hurt me again... so they just CANNOT matter.

*note to self* Look up the definition of 'attachment disorder'...

~~~~~

On the other hand... I had a GREAT visit with Gloria. She let me do stuff... dishes, laundry, etc.. There were times when she just wanted to spend time TALKING to me. Never talked down... I was a real person... and she seemed to give a chit. Amazing.

And yet not... she's cool. I can be myself... and she can be her self. That works for me. Rest... Relax... breathe.

Later.....

current mood: annoyed
current music: Walk Away - Christina Aguilera

(comment on this)

Sunday, July 10th, 2005
12:58 am - And... It's OVER!
Hello Journal,

Wow! What a day!

This is THE BEST day I have had today in FOREVER!

Went fishing this morning... well... more like afternoon...

Caught 3 fishes. 2 Pike and 1 Walleye.

...

Also got sunburnt... but WELL worth it.

~~~~~

Went to with Gloria to the States to see a show. Had coffee first... at some cute restaurant... then went to see Bewitched. It was alright...

Later crossed back over and went to the bar. I don't remember going to a bar before with Gloria... it was interesting.

It was a Great today. This one will go down as the best. Now I look forward to next year...

... go figger~

Later.....

current mood: happy
current music: Cruisin' - Theresa Sokyrka

(comment on this)

Saturday, July 9th, 2005
12:58 am - Happy Birthday...
Hello Journal,

And then the last one at 12:58.

Here's to tomorrow.

Later.....

current mood: depressed
current music: Angel - Sarah McLachlan

(comment on this)

12:00 am - It's The Ninth
Hello Journal,

Then I had another one at midnight.

Here's to today.

Later.....

current mood: sad
current music: Dying - Five For Fighting

(comment on this)

Friday, July 8th, 2005
11:45 pm - It's The Eighth
Hello Journal,

I went to the Emo Inn. Had a Tequila Rose at quarter of midnight. Here's to yesterday.

Later.....

current mood: sad
current music: A Moment Like This - Kelly Clarkson

(comment on this)

Thursday, June 30th, 2005
2:37 am - What Actually Love Is.....
Hello Journal,

Found this while I was looking for entertainment:

What Actually Love Is... )

~~~~~

And this too:

Love is not noble )

What it is that these two ladies were typing about will hopefully occur to me at some point in time. Right now... I just know that it is profound and beautiful.

Later.....

current mood: blah
current music: Do You Mind - Five For Fighting

(comment on this)

12:00 am - Swirling Quagmire
Hello Journal,

There's so much going through my head these days that I cannot hold on to single thoughts. What-ifs, whens and hows are so confusing!

Here's to a weekend ~

Later.....

current mood: annoyed
current music: That's Why (You Go Away) - Micheal Learns To Rock

(comment on this)

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
4:09 am - Things That Entertain Me
Hello Journal,



You May Be a Bit Dependent ...









You're more than a little preoccupied with being abandoned.

You need a lot of support in your life, at all times.

It's difficult for you to survive on your own...

And you don't reallly think you ever could.




Personality... um.. disorder?... chit...

Later.....

current mood: blah
current music: Dying - Five For Fighting

(comment on this)


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