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every night i walk the streets, awake, while everyone else sleeps. [22 May 2006|05:56pm] all my favorite songs became my favorites because of you. each note you discreetly handed me in the halls contained the lyrics of songs that you connected with, messily scribbled in your own hand writing, with an explanation of why. i memorized every word and through out the school year, we passed enough pages of notes to rival shakespeare. there is not one person on this planet who could reach me like you did; there's no point in looking. "i'm tired from fighting with myself. i'll save my life, but lose my mental health. i've gone this far, so i'll keep trying, continue to fight, and hope i don't end up dying." i miss you more than any cliche phrase can describe. post comment

you wanted me to write you letters, but i'd rather lose your address [30 Jan 2006|10:43pm] 8.30.2004: you're like my appendix. residue of something that perhaps once worked (lifetimes ago, june), and now it's sitting there amidst everything that's making me stay alive, and we have no contact except that we're part of the same existence, and you're silently waiting for the right time to explode and kill me. "you can't hold on to anything for longer than it is happening. nineteen minutes from now, i'm going to die, and in the next millisecond, nothing will matter. not a thing." -pdktf, zoe trope (beautiful mind, phenomenal words, i want to SEE you) i sat in the dark, huddled into half of a plexiglass bubble and stared at the tic-tac-toe wall (you know which night i'm talking about). if i stare long enough, maybe i could win my silent battle (against who, myself?) or maybe you'll reach out and touch my neck or twirl my hair around your fingers and everything will be fine, or perfect. whichever you prefer. i look to the south. my fingers want to trace the plastic maze, but i'd never know where to go. all of this adds up to absolutely nothing. why is it that i can make our distance shrink by simply stretching out my fingertips or walking infinitely west but you still keep yourself so far away? idon'tloveyouidon'tloveyoui'msoinloveidon'tloveyou WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME you. are. a. decimal. point. i am pi, i'm infinite, i'll go forever until someone finds a way to stop me. we used to be pi together, but now i'm alone and you are a fucking decimal point. i love you. remember, you told me you loved me first, and i let myself feel the same even though i knew it wasn't quite right. who am i kidding. i thought i knew it was perfect, i thought i knew it was right, and i thought that things would last longer than a chocolate tootsie roll pop. maybe we should have tried orange or cherry. a dream: a man died because he was trying to choke me and i stepped on his throat and dragged his blood all over my driveway, and dialed 911. it was the wrong number. two members of my family were dead and i couldn't decide what the hell to wear to the funerals. on my way to work, only one block from my house, there was a funeral. for real. and i wasn't surprised. every minute is a mile, i've never felt so hollow. so in my time, i die in exactly one hour. that's not fair, because i've only lived for 19 minutes. or maybe that's too much time. i certainly don't have a use for it. in 10 hours i will have my wisdom fangs yanked out, and where the hell will that leave me? you don't know how you've betrayed me, xoxo post comment

[22 Oct 2004|01:43pm] forgive me for being melodramatic, i need a break from livejournal. if you're here, i actually trust you and adore you because i don't give many people this url. i don't, however, bother to make entries friends only because no one has blurty and it's just.. whatever. the past entries in this journal are sporadic and emotional; don't let that fool you because my mind and moods can change within seconds. last night was melancholy and annoyed, but right now i feel okay. that's partly because of making damo drive my car (i was too intoxicated) and having him listen to me piss and moan and chill at the oasis. did you know you can't play nudie games there anymore? only for the truckers, dog. lingerie parties are silly when people get naked. post comment

fuckstick? [13 Aug 2004|07:17pm] [ mood | squished ] [ music | walking away - underoath ] hey, wait. come back. you forgot to spit in my face. also, i have the knife you left here. no, not the butter knife. the knife you stuck into my back. yeah, i've still go it, so if you want to come twist it around a bit and yank it out - that'd be cool. let me know if you have time for people you treat like shit. (: i don't know if i'm happy or if painkillers just do more than kill physical pain. i think i'm just really confused, honestly. am i jealous, in love, or just pissed off because it wasn't my decision to be "just friends" while he kisses another girl's lips? why can't i be content with what i have right in front of me, with someone who actually feels something for me? should i dive into that and risk hurting him because i just can't make myself feel the same, even though i want to? why do i do such terrible things? because i'm lindsey, that's why. i guess. what's faith, if i can't believe? it's everything; a cure, but i make it a disease. my cat is terrorizing anything dangly nearby, i suppose i should.. do something. :|

i found the cliffs of insanity [03 Mar 2004|07:13pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | mourning - tantric ] it's not silly to think that certain songs might hypnotize me, it even happened in zoolander. everyone knows moooovies are teh real deal. i'm too scared to delete tom's diner from my downloaded music because it could come back and haunt me like the ouija boards in that one movie. but still i cannot listen to it, either, because it comes from a perfect time when i stared out into the deserted plains and in the silence we heard the song playing in our minds. and if i play that song i will be transported back two years and become stuck in some tangent universe in which i'm surrounded by nothing but water, sand, fire and trees. if i were to be lucky as i usually am not, i'd have matt sitting to my right and we'd both be sitting in silence listening to suzanne vega as if our brains were networked and winamp was running. don't you think i know what i'm doing? post comment

your hands around my throat [03 Mar 2004|06:01pm] i've started to get emails from a family trying to arrange a sort of family reunion. am i a horrible person if i don't correct their mistake? oh, but this might prove to be sort of fun. i feel odd, like i'm different somehow. squeezing my eyes shut so hard that they might splurt into my brain, just to think of a simple word, is getting annoying. days pass with a phantasmagoria-like feeling and sometimes i can lay on my bed and be entertained by the ceiling for hours before i realize i must try to (thank you ani) find peace in the form of dream, peace in the form of a dream. my house is haunted by shadows in the corner, my room mate's friends, and who knows what/who else. two men were murdered and one committed suicide in the next door house. the man that lives there now has long blonde hair and drives a red car. i'll be dying slowly 'til the next hello. post comment

the rain song [01 Feb 2004|02:28am] [ mood | dorky ] things change, people change. so different, yet exactly the same as ever. post comment

fooey. [11 Nov 2003|08:48pm] [ mood | thirsty ] [ music | la valse d'amelie ] i think that holidays based on food are very cruel. that is all. 2 comments|post comment

considerately killing me [06 Nov 2003|09:53pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | pas si simple - yann tierson ] so come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars cause nothing matters anymore [geek] this journal's theme is now a replica of my other two livejournals, with a slight color change, of course. :| i'm a sucker for stripes. i don't know if i like the red, though. i'll think about it. [/geek] i want to start writing letters to my old friends. i don't intend on sending them. if they end up reading them, great, but i don't think i'll make an effort aside from giving them this URL. watch out; you might find a letter to you on here. ooh, scary. i keep hallucinating. sometimes i even think things are okay. you were right when you told me that i'd regret NOT telling you, but now i almost regret actually doing so, instead. now that you know, you have me completely tied up and ready to string along. it had to be said, though, and i meant it. i still mean it. post comment

taking a drive in the wrong-hand lane [14 Dec 2002|05:32pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | dirty fingernails - modest mouse ] josh was my thursday, the day i always had planned, right down to each hour. dark hair, light eyes and hardly anything in common. maybe that's why it worked so long, until the day something somehow was lost and i didn't feel the pull to continue anymore. i always knew what to expect, but there was enough randomness to keep me entertained. thursday is still my favorite day of the week. ____ was friday, the day that never lasted long enough, no matter how hard i tried to lengthen each hour. dark hair, dark eyes, the eyes that sucked me in and twisted me around. i would have done anything to remain the girl that those eyes were locked on to. just like friday, i had some idea of what was happening, but never could predict how he was going to feel. sometimes it was good, sometimes bad, once it was i love you and a week later, it was i can't do this anymore. just like him, i love friday while it's happening, miss it terribly when it's gone, and finally realize that there's always tomorrow or even next week. you're my saturday, the day i look forward to all week, the day that i don't know what to do with when it comes. ice cold eyes and a similar sense of humor, as close as you can get to mine without being completely warped and all the way there. too perfect, like rain, to look at, seemingly too breakable, like silence, to touch, with a small percentage of feigned oblivion to the way i feel, which is secretly the way you feel, only i'm not supposed to know this yet. you're my saturday because i love when you're here, but i'm not quite sure how to handle you. post comment

today [14 Nov 2002|01:30am] i'm in this wonderful mood, which isn't typical except for lately, and for extremely stupid reasons, and i don't have school tomorrow and splendid splendid. and though many bad things have happened lately, there have been a few good things that give me enough to keep going.. i kind of like that. living from one moment to the next, y'know? feeling like nothing, and then looking up from time spent thinking too hard and making eye contact with someone who had been watching you. and it brightens your day, or even moment, because you weren't even doing anything entertaining, but someone cared enough to watch you just exist. and he's kind of surprised and maybe even embarassed that you caught him looking at you, but then you both sort of smile as you both turn away, a smile that makes it seem as if there's an inside joke that no one would ever understand. and maybe you don't know where you stand with him, but that brief exchange gave enough hope to keep lifting your feet to walk. as insignificant and meaningless as an action such as eye contact may be, it's incredible how it can make me ramble for a whole incoherent paragraph. 1 comment|post comment

this is why [05 Nov 2002|04:36pm] username from: dashboard confessional, hands down journal reason: nanowrimo.org commencons with a cedille on the second c. post comment

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