I need to write.

I need things out of my head & on 'paper'.

Blank...my mind is blank. Now, when I want to write -no, need to write- it's blank.

I feel alone in this world. Not alone in the sense of not having people in my life. Alone in terms of where I'm at in life...my circumstances. I have no one to share that with. It's hard. I don't like it.I'm just alone. I don't now what God wants from me. I don't know who I am in Him apart from who I am as defined by the relationships I hold. It's almost to the point of feeling, if I do'nt have interactions with those people I am no one...which is not true since I am my father's daughter. I am defined by God, not others -I need to learn that in my heart.

I am exhausted with life. With death. With trying and not getting it. With not knowing...I am exhausted from not knowing. Do I know? In my heart I know it's not time. What if it's not ever time and my time is gone. Who am I here for? Has the thought ever crossed? If it isn't time then why do I feel SUCH a need to know right now? Would my actions change? Would my heart change? I don't want to be done, but can I continue without?

Whatever You’re Doing
by Sanctus Real

It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It’s time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

My life is changing. Big surprise. ...doesn't life always change?

Maybe these changes are just bigger than usual...and all at once.

My best friend has just confirmed she'll be moving to New Brunswick -I'm still adjusting, still processing, still understanding, still supporting, still here.

I stepped down from Embassy leadership this week. I've served there for 8 years. It's a time of mixed emotions...I feel a breath of fresh air while also feeling sad at the end of my Uni-type period of life. I'm still on leadership at Elevatoin which I've been easing myself into the past year or so.

Craig and I broke up a little while ago -I'm still adjusting, still learning, still missing, still growing, still here.

I've grown so much since our split. God is right here guiding me through every single minute phase of healing. I'm learning of my own faults...the actions I took and decisions I made out of what I thought was love...it wasn't love that made those decisions it was fear. Fear of myself...fear that if I really showed myself, really spoke my thoughts and concerns, if he REALLY knew me he wouldn't love me...but...he didn't anyway. At least if I had lived honestly and openly he would have had the chance to love me rather than the nearly real, somewhat fabricated and protected me that I showed him. I had no idea I was doing this until about 6 weeks after our break up. I also had no idea that I had lost sight of any goals outside of professional goals. I wrote a list of to-dos for the next couple of years. I had kind of forgotten how to live...how to enjoy my life outside of an 'us'...I hesitate to say 'us'...did he ever see us as an 'us'? I'm remembering how to live...how to connect with great friends on a more regular basis, how to invest in relationships that mean the world to me (family included here!), how to rely on God alone and to stop striving and find my beauty in the peace and surrender. I've learned that God is my protector and my provider --God is my future husband's protector and provider and He'll be our household's protector and provider. This sounds so elementary but it only really clicked a couple of weeks ago.

I've realized that the one and only thing that I desire in my future husband is that he passionately pursues God.

I slept over at the farm after Bible study last night. As I walked to my car this morning...before sunrise...I couldn't help but lose my breath at the vision of all the stars...almost as though I had forgotten about them. It was beautiful. I stood and took them in for a moment then hopped into my car and pumped out the heat. I drove down the laneway and turned onto the country highway. Just then, over the horizon immediately in front of my car I saw it: a shooting star. I've seen many shooting stars -some absolutely extraordinary. This one was rather ordinary (if such a shooting star exists). It's tail was not extravagent, it did not light up the sky, it was rather little, really. But despite it's lack of extravagance...up against all of the stars I've seen in the past, this one impacted me more than any other. When I saw it my heart knew that it was Gods way of reminding me that as much as things change, they stay the same. Amidst ALL of this change that I'm living through right now, God continues to exist as He always has; shooting stars will contine to shoot accross the sky just as they always have. I'll say it again: the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Cheers

What an emotional person I've been lately. I don't fully understand why I've been this way but maybe it's just that life is sinking in.

Megan is home from Japan!! We had a big surprise welcome home party for her last night. I was thinking of her lots on Sunday while she flew home. I cried in church because little Serina was being dedicated and Meggie wasn't there for it. I missed her that day. ANYway, I saw her last night for the first time in TEN months! It was so great to see her and talk and just be hanging out together with a few of our other good friends.

My early twenties have been a wonderful time in my life. I met many of my best friends -if not all of them- at college or through The Embassy. I think I'm feeling so emotionally unstable right now because I just don't know what life is going to look like in a year or two, or three. The Embassy is such a large part of my life as it is for many of the people who serve on leadership. The main difference between me and most of my friends on leadership is that I am from Waterloo, I'm not here for school. It's the time that many of my close Embassy friends are graduating. Meggie left last year -that was difficult. Kat graduated a while ago but stuck around for Embassy internship and another year of UW but she's going to teacher's college in the Fall. She's moving at the end of July...permanently. Sara will be around for a while more as she's working in the office...so that's good. I don't know, it's just all different. I've already started to ease myself into Elevation leadersip roles and out of The Embassy stuff. I help in the baby room on Sundays and am the 'webmaster' for the elevation website. It's jsut taht embassy has been such a huge aspect of my life the past few years. Most people have a clear time to step down -usually when they graduate but I was involved before I was even out of high school and have continued involvement past college because I'm from here.
Anyway. Life is changing...it's wonderful now and I'm sure whatever it chages into will be equally as wonderful - just different.

I've just been accepted into a program called Venture. It's run out of Kitchener City Hall's small business centre. I'll be participating in 8 weeks of 'in class' time which will consist of seminars and lectures that cover every aspect of being an entrepreneur. The 8 weeks following that will be spent in a co-op type placement within a business similar to that of the one I hope to start. This program will allow me to register a new business for free, gain access to a financial advisor and someone who specializes in marketing, as well as basically learn everything I need to know about starting my own business --all the while getting paid for participating!!

It's almost scary to think of all the change this will bring. I mean...in basically 5 months I will be a small business owner and entrepreneur! That is so ridiculous to me but so exciting at the same exact time.



*****************



On another note...Craig called tonight!! He made it home to Abbotsford just fine and it sounds as though he's having a wonderful time so far. Apparently he spent last night hottubbing at a friends...while also taking time to run into the UNheated pool and then back into the HT.

I've spent this week cleaning, painting and moving into one of the basement bedrooms. It looks great! AND we bought a new area rug for it today and it's so charming...a DARK brown shaggy kinda rug :)

K. I'm out. I have a wedding tomorrow and my brother is allowing me to borrow his uber expensive camera which he apparently refers to as his second girlfriend. I'm rather excited as it will be my first chance to get some really great wedding shots! yay :) I'm taking erin as my date as Craig is in BC...she's always my back-up date and vise versa. She's so great!

Ok I am REALLY out now.
Cheers



I lied...I JUST realized that I neglected to mention one of the other most exciting things about this past week. My brother arrived home for Christmas!!! I picked him up at Pearson just yesterday. It's great having him here and his girlfriend, Jasmine, arrives from JP tomorrow!

Matthew 5:6 reads, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled".
That comes as such encouragement. Righteousness has been a big theme in my life lately...I feel like I'm striving for it and many times falling short of it. That striving is a result of my hunger and thirst for it though, and Matthew tells us that we will be filled -- that MY hunger and thirst for righteousness will be filled.
What an encouragement.

PS. I just started to cry at the thought of Benny stepping down from leading worship at Embassy. What a blessing he's been to this community! I wanna say something in speaker's corner but I fear that all I'll get out is a whole ton of tears!

i feel pretty discouraged at the moment.

I suddenly feel rather sick. Headache, funny tummy feeling, a little light headed and dizzy...ugh. Good thing it's 3:33 AM and I'm updating my blurty ;) it's basically what EVERY slightly ill person requires.

I babysat Max and Oskar tonight. We had fun...other than Max screaming for about 95% of the evening...for 5 hours straight, oi.
Oskar celebrated his fourth birthday today! He got the movie Cars from a friend so we watched that...or more so I watched it while trying to keep Max happy and Oskar randomly glanced at the tv while playing with his toys. We also decorated cupcakes and ate them! Oskar gave me a high5 with a hand covered in icing and was so excited to just because he figurd I didn't realize my hand was going to get dirty or something...It's good to spend time with those kids just to keep perspective of what really matters.
Craig stopped by for a few hours. He and Oskar played with a bow and suction-cup arrow for a while and then he helped me get the boys into bed. It was so great to have him there for a bit. He returned shortly after leaving and brought me Starbucks! How great hey?! He's pretty wonderful.

The following is dedicated to Justin...so you can feel a bit more connected to this part of the world :)

I don't even have anything in particular to write...I guess I'll just write what's goin on these days.
I am continually being reaffirmed in my prayer life. God is really showing me that my prayers ARE influential and they ARE absolutely being heard. Last night I was encouraged in my gifting of intercessory prayer.
God is really moving within my group of friends. He's uniting us in a way I didn't think I'd see again...it's like before, when we first met. There's a tidal wave of God coming and we're in the midst of it. This past weekend I saw my two BEST friends healed of life-long burdens. I'm still speachless when I think of that. What is there to say other than thank you?! He has reminded me of my passion for people; that I am going to be using my life to feed into others...my hands will be giving, touching other's lives, while God's hand is upon me. He reminded me of what has become my life-long prayer "Take mine eyes from me so I may see what you see" --again, talking about feeding into the lives of others. AND not only did He remind me of this prayer but He has revealed to me the ways in which this prayer has been answered in my life already and in doing so has encouraged me to continue in pursuing it.

On another note, Craig's amazing. Everyday brings me to a greater appreciation of him and his presence in my life. He's such a blessing.

I babysat Oskar and Max tonight while Tar and Barry went car shopping.
Oski was playing with a bouncy ball and was having me guess what hand the ball was in while switching it from hand to hand behind his back. So I did the same thing but in front of me...but I dropped the ball down my sleeve to make it appear as though I had made the ball disappear. He was amazed...and then even more so once I made the ball re-appear. I performed the trick again and he asked where it went...when I didn't answer he started to guess where it had gone. I believe his exact words were, "Where did the ball go?? Did you give it to Jesus?? Where'd it go?!" cutest ever.

Check out some of my pics from the summer! Keep in mind, I'm not in any of them...I'm the photographer ;)
Click on the album cover to view the entire album...

MW Classic - Wake Show

Aug 30, 2006 - 46 Photos

Beach Photoshoot

Aug 30, 2006 - 31 Photos

MW Classic - Beyond The Wardrobe

Aug 31, 2006 - 37 Photos

MW - Foundation Dinner 2006

Aug 26, 2006 - 71 Photos

MW Classic - Girls night

Aug 29, 2006 - 23 Photos

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God --this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is --His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

I read this passage last week. It left me wondering how to allow myself to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. ...How do I renew my mind?? I decided I would begin by going back to the basics. I'd read the basic Bible passages...the chapters and books that discuss the basics of this faith. I'd try to be more diligent in practicing the basic spiritual disciplines, like prayer and fasting.

This verse was actually, I suppose what you could call, a theme verse for me this past summer. I read it at different times throughout my stay at MW. It challenged me to figure out what it can mean to offer my body as a living sacrifice to God. Actually, it's interesting. I've just noticed that now that I am home and I've spent a few months figuring out the living sacrifice bit of the verse I seem to have moved on to the next challenge the verse brings --transforming of my mind. I find it interesting that I can read the same verse and have different parts of it stick out at different times.


All this said, I arrived to church a little bit late this week...only to find out that this is the passage that we'll be focusing on this month! Dom read this verse just after I had sat down. I like how God seems to align things like that in life from time to time. It happened again later that day as well! Later on in this passage Paul mentions the importance of honouring others before yourself and that was exactly the topic of Twenty20 last night.

So, basically just wanted to say that I'm working on being transformed by the renewing of my mind :)
Maybe the verse begins with the "body, living sacrifice" bit because it's easier to offer physical sacrifices than it is to offer internal sacrifices. It's easy to force yourself to do physical work that you don't want to do...it's not so easy to do that work joyfully.

Cheers.

I wrote this to Craig in an email a few days ago. I feel, for some reason, a need to post it.

***
I was online and an add popped up at the top of my screen and it read, "It's never too early to PREVENT UNSIGHTLY CELLULITE - Don't just be pro-active...be PRE-active!" It's an add for Pre-Cell. It initially caught my attention because there is a photograph of a bum (wearing underwear) and thighs that are absolutely perfect and cellulite free. The kind of image that, and I kid you not, 95% of all females who walk this earth believe is attainable because it's seen so frequently in the media. It causes them to be self conscious of that portion of the body because they have a little cellulite and aren't perfectly toned. I am definitely one of those 95% and seeing an add like this makes me think, for a fraction of a second while it's processing in my subconscious, that it would actually work and allow me to have really great legs and butt. It's at this point in the thought process that a little animated character pops up and catches the reader's attention. It's a girl in a blue guiding uniform holding a sign that says "why girls need guides" and as I read that I realize that I am now exhibit A -the perfect example of what they're suggesting. As much as I don't think that my mind is warped by our media-driven culture it is.

Before I go any further I want to be clear about the fact that I don't think I'm overweight...I know I'm not. I'm not looking for you to tell me/reaffirm that. With that said though, there's a big gap between the way I see myself and the body I wish I had. It may sound absolutely absurd but it is so ingrained in me that ~as long as my body isn't perfectly toned it's not ok~ And the odd thing is that, and I JUST realized this now, I have the same expectations for all other women as I do myself. But not men...for whatever reason I don't expect men to have perfectly toned bodies. Or not so much that I don't expect them to (expect isn't the right word)...but my thoughts never seem to focus on the shape of the bodies of men around me...but they DO focus on the shape the bodies of women around me (by "around" I mean generally...in malls, at camp, etc.). I notice when women are over weight...and not even REALLY over weight, but just not toned...when their clothes make pudges of body...basically when the body doesn't appear to be smooth. That's pretty bad hey?! --I've actually had my eyes well up with tears a few times while writing this.

The process of becoming aware of things like this is kind of difficult. I mean...where do I go from here? I can't just change the way I've thought for my entire life can I?? And when I say my entire life I mean that. I remember being little, probably 5 or 6, and thinking that if I couldn't see my ribs I was fat (not individual ribs but the bottom of the rib cage if that makes sense).
*my eyes are welling up again*
I don't know how to change this thought pattern that is so deeply ingrained in me. I see that it isn't necessarily healthy but I can't see a remedy and I'd ask for support and help in it but I'm entirely unaware of how you could. I have no clue.
***

So there you have it. I think it's important to be open about stuff like this. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it...

I'm home from camp.
I want to share all about it but what is there to say when every day I found myself in a new land...everything from Mario World to Narnia and Pirates of the Caribbean. So, for now, I'll stick with my life today and possibly post pics from the world of Muskoka Woods at a later date.
I started at a new job today...I'm not sure how much I like it at all. It's at Japan Camera...so basically a pretty good job considering the fact that I was looking for a job in a camera store. But really, the people are strange and it's minimum wage with basically no chance of a raise. Not really the kind of place I'd like to work for a full year.
Erin and I talked today for the first time in what feels like forever!! I'm excited to be in the same city as her again...I missed her tons.

And last, but CERTAINLY not least, Matty was at work and had an accident with one of the machines (he works at a butcher's shoppe) and lost all four of his fingers on his right hand. Even typing that now it doesn't seem real. He won't be able to work, play nintendo, wakeboard (unless he goes one-handed)...it's so strange. Please pray for him!!!
Thanks.

Hello world!
It certainly has been a while since I last posted eh?! I'm at camp and it's great. ...I feel strange calling it 'camp' but I'd feel just a strange saying "I'm at the resort".
I'm enjoying my time here while overcoming obstacles of all sizes. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks already!

Although I'm on one of the most post and stunning lakes in all of Ontario I haven't been able to wakeboard at all :( I sprained my ancle the first SuperSaturday and it's still swelling and sore. They told me 6 weeks minimum.

The computer in the radio station broke so I let them use my laptop for playing music the past few days. It's great because it's all my favourite music and nothing I hate. BUT...I just got my iBook back from them and there are finger prints ALL over the screen and I just noticed that one of my keys is missing?!?!! And they promised not to install anything on it or change anything and they fully did. I'm pretty upset about all of this --I just noticed the key thing now. I really can't believe it. I don't even know what to say.

Anyway...on a brighter note I called Craig tonight! We got to talk for a few minutes at least...I was juggling between three different phone cards :) It was so good to talk to him again though.

I'm going to go find Andrew (area head) and tell him about the damage done to my comp.
Cheers.

Muskoka Woods here I come! I didn't think I'd be saying that this soon...boy is it ever approaching quickly. I leave THIS Friday.
I'm really excited about this summer...I can't believe that I'll be doing photography for MW.
At the same time, though, it really sucks. I wish I had even one more week here in town. What would that allow for?
-One more week with Craig for starters. We basically have one more evening before I leave. So I'm pretty much just going to have to buy a calling card with a large balance...and leave him with one, and maybe some pre-addressed/stamped envelopes and a big box so he can send me mail and packages ;) Maybe that'll be the best part about camp...the mail from him. It's like back in the war times, before email. My Nan still has the letters she and my Papa wrote to each other. I love that. It's really great to be able to be taken back to that time by reading them. I don't think anything else could do that the way hand-written letters do.

-I'd have a bit more time to pack everything up --and I mean EVERYthing. I won't be back before Sept 1st which is when my lease is up so I need to get everything out before I leave...in a day and a half.

-I won't be able to see Kat again before I leave - she comes home from Halifax on Sunday. Does this mean I won't ever see her again? She may be going East for school this Fall. Will I be back before she leaves? Kat, you'd BETTER visit me this summer :) You can write me letters too!


If you'd like to, please email me your addresses and I'll see what I can do about poppin out some letters the next two months.

Cheers.

I really hope you people come visit...and if you do then promise you'll tell Craig and save a spot for him in your car :)

And Laura and Curtis...I think you two should come up with Craig sometime and we'll have a fun double date type thing one evening or afternoon k? deal.

My summer lies ahead of me...unwritten.
I hold the pen - God provides the ink.

I love the idea of summer here in town. Random trips up to Erin's grandparent to play in the river. Time at my cottage. A job. Trips to Stratford. And, perhaps most obviosly, Craig lives here.

I love the idea of a summer up at the resort. Two months living in beautiful Muskoka. Two months of care-free summer fun. Expanding my social circles. Living with Meg again - probably for the last time. I think I am falling more in love with this option as I consider it. The one thing that I really dislike about it is the distance from Craigers. Although we're looking into the option of him working up there for August. I think that would be great. I'd love it and I'm sure he would love it. He'd have so much fun...WE would have so much fun. It would be great. And maybe, just maybe, we could still squeeze in a trip to Erin's grandparents sometime this week...or come September? Less bugs in September anyway.

I think I just made my decision. If they offer me the photography position I'm going to take it.

If anyone is looking for a place to live for July/August let me know...I'd like to sublet my room.
Cheers.

What a fun weekend! I feel like Kat with what I'm about to write "and then I did this ... And then we did that... And THEN..."


On Friday night I found myself at the embassy ball game in the company of Sarah, Sara and Laura...and whoever else came to the game -I was actually surprised to see so many people out to watch! Craig popped by a little into the game. After the game we (Laura, Sara, Craig, Curt and Paul -curt's bro) went back to Curtis's and then eventually found ourselves at my place (and Laura's!) watching Rounders.
Saturday morning Sarah and I went to the gym for a core workout. I then spent the majority of the day sitting out in the sunshine reading. Loved it.
Around 4 I picked up Craig and we headed out to the country for a weekend adventure!
We first found ourselves lost on the way to the lake...my fault. We drove a way I don't usually go and I was a bit too far west. We finally found it and hung out on the dock until the boat came in from the bay.




Once the boaters returned to the dock they apparently didn't have plans to continue boarding so we didn't get to giver a go. We made our way, following the three bikes, to Elmira to pick up some BBQ food.






We hung out at the farm and enjoyed some good food and good company...Craig even made a new friend named Eddie! Check it out...

...yes, that IS a goat.


In this picture you'll see me burried in my own car after having been tackled by Craig.




These next few are from today when we went on a hike through the property...first we played on the bails of hay










Making our way through the creek...




Craig...showing his disapproval for the low-end golf course found boardering the farm property...




Leading the goat






Farmer Craig





My pookey




A few more pics of my cutie to end off with...







After the farm we went into Elmira and had a water fight with erin's family. It was pretty fun, I must admit. We then walked to a little ice cream shoppe and enjoyed some ice cream...and then the boys bought fighter jets and played with them all the way home.

Fun times :)
Oh, PS...We fully lost Craig's shirt halfway through the weekend, hence the lack of clothing in most pics ;)

I'd like to take a moment to introduce to you, my boyfriend, Craig Garbe -- he's basically the main reason I've been smiling so much as of late. He mentioned that he glanced at my blurty earlier in the day and pointed out that he didn't think he was mentioned...hun check out the following entries and you'll see you're here (all written prior to officiality):

-Date: 2006-06-04 20:18
Subject: My life summarized

-Date: 2006-06-06 00:41 --not mentioned outright but definitely present through private joke ;)

-Date: 2006-06-07 20:08


I thought I'd also take a moment to post some pictures of him (by the way I wish you were here right now because there's a huge spider very actively wandering the walls of my room)...I didn't think I had any photographs but I am, apparently, fairly clever and was able to scavenge some up...


This first one was taken the first time we met -- at the Embassy Leadership retreat.




The next three are all kind of random...










Stay tuned and I'm sure you'll hear plenty more of this fine fellow...
cheers.

This has been a big two days for me!
I sold my first car today :) it's a Jetta 2.5L. It feels SO good to have my first sale under my belt!
Also, I fully won $20 in poker tonight. I don't think the boys were very happy with me :)
ah well tee-hee.

I'm talking to my brother on gmail chat!!! I love it.
He's the best.

I'm happy today :) --not that I'm not usually happy...but I'm smiley happy.