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4:06  Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
mood    mellow

I'm fat. *laughs* Ok so not fat but I feel like a whale. I've always been incredibly thin and to have this giant protrusion in front of me is nuts. I've been feeling a lot better though, morning sickness is completely gone though my energy level is still nowhere near what it was before. I have some prenatal vitamins that are supposed to be helping *wrinkles my nose and makes a face* but they don't.

*Sighs and slowly twirls a lock of my hair around my finger*

I feel like I've lost touch with old friends It's my fault, I've been so caught up in my own little world that I just have ignored everything else. I'm sorry to those of you I have lost touch with and I do miss you, especially Cam and Ali...you girls need to visit me or something!

I haven't spoken to Benji in a while either so I'm kind of wondering what is up there. Maybe it's better that we just sort of fall out of touch completely. *Sighs heavily, a look of sadness surfacing in my eyes* Maybe it's better though. I guess I was stupid to think that someone his age and with his fame would want an active part in their kids life but hey *tries to laughs* life goes on right?

4  rock on

9:23  Sunday, June 8th, 2003
mood    hungry
music    Motivation Proclamation // Good Charlotte

*Sighs, rubbing my stomach slightly and sits back, pulling out my laptop and turning some music on quietly in the background before beginning to type*

So I've been doing it again. I really must stop with the whole anti-social thing. I feel like I have been neglecting all my friends but I just haven't had the energy to be very social. I nearly ended up going to the hospital last night because I couldn't seem to stop throwing up and could barely stand. I eventually feel asleep on the cool tile of the bathroom floor. Not the most comfortable place to rest but it left me close to the toilet and I'm not sure if I could have made it to the bed.

Randy has been hanging out with me quite a bit lately and I must admit the company has been wonderful. He is such a sweetheart and it has been a lot of fun hanging out with him and talking.

Benji got me a present *laughs softly* though he has yet to actually give it to me. I finally managed to worm what it was out of him though and it's incredibly sweet. I actually need to talk to him soon to find something out but that's something more between the two of us so I'll let that drop.

*Glances at the clock as my stomach growls*

Well I am being ordered by two little someone's as well as my body to go and eat something but I promise I shall resume trying to be social. *smiles*


2  rock on

10:05  Thursday, May 29th, 2003
mood    contemplative
music    You're So Last Summer // Taking Back Sunday

*Curls up on the bed, pulling the laptop to me and turning on some music faintly in the background for noise*

So it seems I had people thinking I was dead. Not precisely true, though in a small way it was. I've been something of a recluse lately, staying off by myself and just spending a lot of time thinking. Not necessarily thinking about anything in particular....I remember one day I just sat and contemplated where words came from. Who came up with the word TRUCK anyhow and why is a truck a truck? How do we know that a pig isn't really a truck and the names got switched? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks about stupid stuff like that.

Yesterday Hayden asked me if I had done any baby cloths shopping yet and I realized I hadn't done anything regarding the babies minus medical things. I walked around my house and looked in all the rooms, finally deciding which room to turn in to the nursery. The room is next to mine but probably for the first few months their cribs will be in my room. Thinking about it I'm probably going to end up a living dead from lack of sleep after they come. I've been reading all these accounts from new parents about how one baby wears both of them out and thinking wow...I have two babies coming and if one baby wears two people out two babies are going to have me as a zombie.

*Looks out the window for a few minutes, shifting positions to get comfortable*

So it's pretty obvious to anyone who sees me now that I am pregnant. It's weird to have random strangers come up to me and ask me when I am due. None of my old cloths fit either. I tried to squeeze in to my dickies and started bawling because they wouldn't even go half way on.The Belly )

So I suppose I'm not sure what happens now. People continue to ask who the father is and I've used everything from "It's none of your business" to "I was impregnated by aliens". Benji asked me not to bring his name in to it so....out of respect for that request I haven't told anyone other than those who knew who the father is. It's kind of hard sometimes though because I feel like he is ashamed of Benjamin and Jayden though I know that isn't the reason.

Ok, that's is enough from me for now. I need to pee something crazy and I'm getting hungry again so I bid this entry farewell.

2  rock on

10:10  Sunday, May 18th, 2003
mood    worried

So I guess I've been neglecting this thing. I've sort of just been hiding out mostly, trying to relax before hell starts. They keep adding dates on to our tour schedule and I'm on the verge of just quitting. I hate to do it but I'm left with very few options. I haven't really been straying far from the house...mostly just walking and sitting on the beach thinking.


Ok, this sucked.


4  rock on

10:39  Sunday, May 11th, 2003
mood    calm
music    I'll Never Be // Reel Big Fish

Mother's Day.....well, this year it's something of a different feeling to actually be on the receiving end of a card. I went over to my parents house to be with my mom and my family gave me a card and flowers. We all sat around for a while talking and then we did the usual Reyes mother's day tradition and pulled out all of the scrapbooks. Looking back on myself as a child I wonder if my children are going to be like me...look like I did, *laughs* hopefully not behave as I did.

I haven't really been around a lot because we have been on a search for a new drummer since Chris left us. It's weird interviewing all these girls to replace someone you've been playing with for two years. Chris is going to be missed but we understood her need to leave and I don't know about the others but she and I plan to stay in touch no matter what.

I guess that's about all that's going on with me...pretty boring.


11  rock on

8:31  Thursday, May 8th, 2003
mood    hungry

So I'm finally back home and god is it good to be home. The flight back was interesting. Small seats, back food, long flight...always fun. *laughs* The minute I got home I took a long hot shower and crawled in to me nice warm bed and I think I slept for about fourteen hours. Static and Allister's whole bodies wriggled in happiness when I picked them up and I just hugged then for what seemed like an hour though it was in actuality only a few minutes.

*rubs my stomach as it rumbles*

Ok, I swear I'll do better later but right now...I hear some fries calling my name. Fries make me think of Hot Ass *laughs* but that is a long story.

8  rock on

12:39  Friday, May 2nd, 2003
mood    giggly
music    I Want To Hear You Sad // The Early November

*turns up the song playing on my disc-man and twirls my hair in my finger*
So I have been listening to this same song for about an hour, and I think I'm going to keep it on repeat. Have you ever found a song that just makes you smile and feel like everything is fine, a song that you just want to hear again and again till you find yourself bouncing around and rocking out to it? I've probably freaked out half the bus because I'm sitting here singing along to the song at the top of my voice and bouncing up and down in my seat then playing air guitar. Ok, so I'm a dork! *laughs* I even did the whole thing dance on the bed thing Kiki does in "Bring It On" minus the pom-poms. I'm incredibly glad nobody on the bus has a video camera because yes, Ginger dancing around like a maniac in an oversized hoodie and boxers is not something that needs to be recorded. Ace would probably get a giant kick out of it though...me dancing around to his song. *laughs*

You know you are curious about the song ;-) )

Anyhow....FIVE MORE DAYS TILL I SLEEP IN MY OWN BED AGAIN AND SEE MY DOGS!!! I've missed my house, the beach, the heat, my dogs, all of it. My mom is going to go by my house and stock it with her incredibly cooking and bring my dogs home before I get there. I wish I could have brought Static and Allister with me but the quarantine laws are just blah. It's going to be a bit lonely after having been around so many people throughout the tour but that could be a good or bad thing, I'm not sure yet. *shrugs*I might invite someone to visit.

Ok, now that I have sat still for a while and typed something I am going back to dancing like I've never danced before *laughs*.


rock on

Beneath the rafters the angels sing spinning violence and playing with my heart. 4:14  Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
mood    indescribable
music    There's No "I" In Team // Taking Back Sunday

Why is it that people who think they know me or what is going on feel they have to involve themselves in things. To be cliche and quote MTV..."You think you know but you have no idea." Each story has two sides and how people can say they are impartial yet only know one side has me baffled. So perhaps something I said was unfair but that was a two-way street because the name hurled at me was just as unjustified. These people say that I'm the one flinging cruel words and hurting people...well maybe you should find out what was said to me first.

You say you have washed your hands of me, well I say I really don't care. I gave our friendship another chance even after everything that had happened and well, burn me once shame on you but burn me twice shame on me. I should have known better than to think you had changed any from the selfish boy you had always been. You aren't ready to be a father, fine, you have the option of choice that I didn't.

As for you, don't call yourself a friend of mine. True, you probably used to be my best friend but now *shrugs* you helped teach me not to give me friendship out so easily and that's a lesson I'm taking to heart. You broke my trust in the most harsh and hurtful way possible and I'm not the naive forgiving person I used to be.

To the other people, the people who have helped and stood by me, you all mean more than anything to me and I will never be able to thank you enough. Words can't express how much your friendship has and will always mean to me.


Curious? )

2  rock on

12:57  Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
mood    pessimistic
music    Will I Make It // One True Thing

Sweet like a peach, with a mouth like a truck.
Little Miss Starlight is down on her luck.
Nothing else matters, when you're on your own.
No one else cares, they just leave you alone.

Will I make it, will I fall?
Will I even remember at all?
If I stumble, will I cry
or will I die?

Lost in a lie, that no one believes.
No one will know till they've seen what you've seen.
Been through the bramble, I've been through the brush.
Came out with nothing and nothing's not much.

Will I make it, will I fall?
Will I even remember at all?
If I stumble, will I cry,
will I die?

Will I make it, will I fall?
Will I even remember.

I don't want to remember, yet no one will let me do anything that will allow me to forget. I tried to drink tonight but wasn't allowed. *sighs* So maybe that's a good thing but right now it doesn't feel like it. All I want is to go home to my own bed, curl up with Allister and Static and sleep for the next millennium. I can't do that though because I have to do all these stupid shows and this stupid tour and the next tour. I keep telling myself I'll be in my won bed on the eighth but it's not working anymore. I'm too tired of all of this and having to do it by myself. I know that doesn't make sense because my friends are constantly supportive...but it's a diffrent kind of alone that I don't know how to put in to words.

4  rock on

12:54  Monday, April 28th, 2003
mood    sore
music    Recover CD

*rubs my temples and yawns before stretching*

This has been the weekend from hell. Friday was a show with an incredibly long meet and greet and radio interviews then the same thing again on Saturday. Sunday was no show but we had to go to another radio interview, a photo shoot for some local magazine, then a press thing. I nearly fell asleep during the last press thing and Judi had to keep nudging me awake. It was horribly embarrassing and they just told everyone that I had been sick......not that I was pregnant.

I haven't decided what to do about the whole press thing with that yet and I need to talk with Benji about it as well because it will more than likely effect him and his career a lot more than it will mine. I thought about not telling the press at all but then we were put on tour with HG and by that time I will definitely be showing so short of telling everyone I packed on some pounds, which I need to do anyway but can't seem to, I'm screwed. I don't want this to hurt Benji or the rest of GC and I'm afraid it might. I guess we will just have to figure something out.

I'm totally lost as to what is going on with everyone. I've been trying to read through everything but having been absent for three days makes it difficult. *laughs* I'll manage to wade through it eventually but if you say something and I seem clueless....I probably am.

*sighs* I think another long, hot shower is calling my name since my back is killing me, my feet are killing me and my shoulders murdered me about two hours ago.


6  rock on

Hmmm...... 2:59  Thursday, April 24th, 2003
mood    hungry
music    O'Bleek // FenixTX

Which Cruel Intentions Character Are You?

Brought to you by Faytrial

1  rock on

12:02  Thursday, April 24th, 2003
mood    confused
music    Bike Scene // Taking Back Sunday

Lyrics :\ )

rock on

7:39  Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
mood    stressed

Fucking hell! They are trying to kill me I swear. They just put us on tour with Homegrown in July. I love my Homegrown boys but HELLO? I'm pregnant! First they add the show on May 19th to the on May 25th.....now back to the UK in July with Homegrown.

July Dates With Home Grown in the UK
6 Oxford Zodiac
7 Leeds Cockpit
8 Glasgow King Tut's
9 Nottingham Rockcity
10 Birmingham Acadamy
11 Manchester Hop and Grape
12 London Mean Fiddler
13 Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms
14 Exeter Cavern
15 Cardiff MS1
16 Brighton Concorde2

*screams in frustration*

Fuck. I'll write a better update later about my amazing birthday....but for now I think I need to go cry.

rock on

9:56  Monday, April 21st, 2003
mood    Doesn't Give A Damn
music    Cute Without The E // TBS

Take this blade to my wrist
Help me end what makes you ugly

*sighs* All right, I know longer know what the hell is going on in my life. I'm sitting here listening to Taking Back Sunday and wondering how things can change so abruptly in less than two hours. The sonogram...the things that happened during and after...it's all worthless....*shrugs* I new it would be deep inside so why did I let it fuck me up like this? Just another mistake to chalk up to the many I've already made. *looks around* I think Joe left too...I'm not sure. *shrugs* That was another mistake, letting him in to my heart. Wow, I'm just the fucking mistake queen today. *shrugs* Fuck it, I'm not even going to finish this update. I'm going to go watch the damn Taking Back Sunday video for Cute Without The E (cut From The Team) and wish I was the girl beating the shit out of the guys.

rock on

6:24  Monday, April 21st, 2003
mood    touched

It's over. My first sonogram. Benji flew over but he got here this morning so we sat in my hotel room and watched movies. Benji is scared of Resident Evil! *laughs* He screamed like a little girl when the inside-out dogs came on :-x After Resident Evil I changed in to some baggy cloths and Joe's hoodie and we headed to the hospital. The cab ride was strange because both of us were nervous as hell. I asked Benji why he was nervous since he had done this before and he replied "But never for my own kid." I laughed and gently reminded him that he now had not one but two of them. He headed in to the hospital and I went and got the paperwork. Benji and I both agreed that it would be best to have a check-up as well after the bleeding incident. He took the forms up for me and was told by the nurse that it would be about twenty minutes. While we were sitting there he brought up what would happen once the babies are born. I told him he was welcome in their lives at anytime.....with one stipulation. We talked about the stipulation and he agreed to it. I don't think many would understand, but till our children are old enough to have things explained to them then it will remain in place.

The nurse finally called my name and as we were walking in I got really scared. Benji placed his hand on my back and leaned down to whisper that it was ok, and that he was here with me. That helped and I was able to follow the nurse in to the room where she handed me one of those horrible gowns to put on. I tried to hint to Benji to leave while I changed but he just turned around and faced the wall. I changed in record time and sat down on the table. Benji moved to stand next to me and we awaited the doctor. He came in and introduced himself to us and began the exam, checking my breasts quickly. I had my eyes closes because it was bad enough that Benji was looking at my breasts but him grumbling about killing the doctor was horrible. After doing my breasts the doctor had me slide down so he could begin the internal examination. I grabbed Benji's hand and closed my eyes. The doctor started the exam and the next thing I know I open my eyes to see Benji down there with him watching him...and me. When the doctor went to feel inside to make sure everything was ok Benji yells and things went down hill from there. Thank god the doctor finishes up quickly because I really was uncomfortable having both the doctor and Benji looking at me *coughs* down there.

After he finishes, the doctor told me I could put my clothes back on while he went to get the machine. I slid my clothes on, the whole time about to die of embarrassment from the comments Benji kept making. I finally ended up punching him in the chest to try and shut him up. It didn't work but it made me feel better. The doctor finally returned with machine and rubbed the conductor jelly on to my stomach. I looked up at the monitor in awe as I saw Benji and my babies for the first time. The First Picture ) I teared up and Benji got really close to the monitor and we squeezed each others hands and looked as the next image appeared. The Second Picture ) The doctor then went and was able to let us see each baby individually and made a print out of it. The Printout Picture )

Benji and I ended up hugging and getting all sappy over the pictures. It's incredible...seeing the life inside of you, your babies for the first time. I've never felt anything like it. Watching Benji watch the screen, looking at the babies almost made me cry again. Even if he isn't around much because of the situation...he is going to be a great dad to the kids. I told him that and he got all teary and we hugged again.

*stretches and sighs, rubbing the back of my neck and shoulders*

I'm going to have to postpone the rest of the story because my back is killing me and I can't sit here and type anymore in this sitting.


rock on

1:18  Monday, April 21st, 2003
mood    indescribable
music    Cute Without the E (Cut From The Team) // Taking Back Sunday

The day is finally here. Sonogram day. I have no idea what time Benji arrives but the appointment is at four so if he is there or not I will be. I kind of wish I knew if he was seriously coming because with all the stuff that seems to be going on...I'm just not sure. I will get printouts of the pictures anyhow so I guess if he doesn't make it I will send one to him. I've been reading up on the sonogram and it's a really interesting process. It's come incredibly far in the last few decades. The only part I am really not liking is that I have to have a full bladder. That is not going to be fun. Ah well, the result is worth the pain.

I haven't been doing much other than shows and being a bum lately. I've fallen in to wearing baggy clothes when I'm not performing...and a hoodie I stole from Joe *blushes a bit* I'm still not sure what I'm going to do when I start showing. I don't have to worry about that for some time though, which is good because there are plenty of other things on my mind. One of the things is the fact I'm more than likely to get yelled at again by the doctor for not weighing enough. The other doctor last time was quite emphatic that I gain weight...but alas, it does not seem to be happening. If anything I think I may have lost a few pounds...which will not sit well.

Not much for me to really write about I guess. Tomorrow I get to become another year older and contemplate my life. Lots of fun. *nibbles my lip* The show is going to be interesting because I think the other girls forgot and the FFAF guys don't know. It's better though. I don't want people being fake.

Ok, this is pretty pointless to continue so I am going to go watch the TBS video again because I wish I was the girl kicking that guys ass! *laughs*


EDIT: There is a reward for the return of Joe Brown...passed out, stoned or clean *laughs*

8  rock on

5:45  Sunday, April 20th, 2003
mood    curious
music    A Sip Of Wine Chased With Cyanide // A Static Lullaby (I miss Joe:-[ )

Happy Easter Everyone

and happy 420!
rock on

5:50  Sunday, April 20th, 2003
mood    nervous
music    Moosh // Bigwig

I can't sleep. The sonogram is tomorrow. I'm nervous, excited, scared...god, all of it. I can't wait to see the babies though, see the two lives growing inside my body. Even though they are still incredibly small, just being able to see that they are there is going to be amazing. *moves my hand down to rest protectively on my stomach* I'm twenty-one years old, twenty-two tomorrow and I'm carrying two other people in my body. At may age that is enough to scare anyone. I never expected to have children this soon. I was thinking about that earlier when I was talking to Cam. I expected myself to be married and settled before even thinking about raising a family....but I guess you can't plan everything. So instead of where I saw myself I'm at just about the opposite. I'm single and pregnant with two babies I love more than anything and I'm...well, I'm ok with that. I know Benji wants to do the whole provide for them and everything but it's a bit difficult to be able to count on him fully because of getting burned like I did. I can't help but think and plan for him not being around much, if at all once the other baby is born because that's the one he wanted from the beginning. He never exactly planned on these two coming along. No matter what happens the babies have plenty of male's who want to interact with them...*laughs* ever if they aren't born yet. These kid's are going to be Reyes's and that means that they will make it through whatever comes along.


4  rock on

12:09  Friday, April 18th, 2003
mood    bored
music    Emily // Bailout

I will be struck down by a meteor!

How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test

5  rock on

12:56  Friday, April 18th, 2003
mood    thoughtful
music    There Is // Boxcar Racer

*tucks my hair behind my ears*

Another great show tonight. I just feel happier and I'm pretty damn sure it shows. Having Joe here is wonderful. Just by being him he can make me smile and laugh. It's strange... Joe was always the wild guy who's stories about how he got in trouble would make me laugh....now he is Joe...the guy that got around the wall I built. I'm not sure exactly where I stand with him...and I don't know if he knows where he stands with me. I wanted to talk to him about it tonight but he headed out somewhere with the guys from FFAF after the show. More than likely they headed off to a pub, as they call bars here. I don't know if he will be back tonight or crash with the guys. *sighs and looks over at the unmade bed and smiles softly* He slept a lot today...I think the jet lag has gotten hold of him.
*picks my laptop up and carries it to the bed, grabbing Joe's pillow and burying my head in it a moment before coming back to the laptop*

I can't become sappy *laughs* I'm sitting here holding the damn guys pillow. That's sappy and pathetic. Maybe I should try and get some sleep...but I know I won't be able to. Even after just two days I'm used to sleeping in his arms. *shakes my head* Ok...wow...maybe I'll just end this before I do become a sap.


rock on

OCC 5:01  Thursday, April 17th, 2003
all right, it's one thing to say something behind my back but when you go and out and out lie about me and post partial conversations to suit your purpose without showing the part where you act like a 5 year old I get pissed. Don't tell people we agreed on something when no fucking conclusion was ever reached. NOTHING WAS EVER DECIDED.

Now to address one comment in particular. But I'm sick of her constantly trying to ruin anything going good with my such character.

That is the most ridiculous thing I think I have heard in a long time. I have not ruined a thing for your character...if it was to be anything I believe that comment should be turned around. If you remember...Ginger was the one Brody asked to try and help her get Beck back...and ginger went and tried. Ginger was the one who Brody asked for help with Tim and once again Ginger did what Brody asked.

If you want to act like an immature child because things don't go exactly how you planned to a T....then fine, be that way, but have the decency to at least be honest in your ramblings.

Thank you,
3  rock on

3:54  Thursday, April 17th, 2003
mood    aggravated
music    Paris In Flames // Thursday

[[EDIT Because I love Shan I'll do this and keep the profanity to a minimum..but liars can lick my non-existant left nut. /end slight ressecion to high school]]

16  rock on

1:40  Thursday, April 17th, 2003
mood    surprised
music    Caress Me Down // Sublime

*smiles off in to space* Wow, I'm not sure exactly how to start this, or even what to write. Joe arrived this afternoon and I had no idea I would have the reaction to him I did. Hell, I didn't think I would ever have that kind of reaction to someone again....but my heart got all fluttery and I found myself nervous around him, not really sure what to say. We ended up talking for a while and other girls came up and... *nibbles my thumb* well, I got jealous. Joe noticed and he kind of smiles and then dropped it. He asked what I wanted to do and I said take a walk in the park I had found earlier. We walked the few blocks to get there and it was just strange. The whole way there I was so aware of his presence. It scared me. With my track record I'm not batting with the best average. Joe knows about the whole pregnancy and such. I haven't shared the details of the relationship that I had with Benji but if he wants to know I will. Joe has been my friend for a while now and I'm not going to hide things from him, even if they are painful to talk about.

*sighs and brushes a few stray strands of hair from my face that escaped my ponytail*
We got to the park and we....talked for a long while there. It was a very satisfying talk. *nods and smiles* We came back to the hotel and Joe laid down to take a nap while I showered and got ready for the show. Joe was still asleep so I left him to rest while we all went and played the show. The kids here in Scotland are amazing. I actually hung around after the show and talked to a few of them. I was asked why I wasn't all jumping around like normal and I explained that I couldn't because I was *sighs* I was pregnant. I expected shock and disdain from them but was totally blown away when they all congratulated me. I was so amazed I almost started crying. On the way back to the hotel I actually did.

When I got back Joe was still fast asleep on the bed. I sat down next to him and brushes some hair from his face. He looks so innocent when he is asleep...*smiles softly* it's amazing. I wish I had a camera to capture this forever. I didn't expect or even want to have these kind of feelings for a person again and I keep trying to shove them back but they drizzle between the cracks of the wall I had built around my heart. I'm not sure what is going to happen and I'm not going to let that wall down because it will just get me hurt.

*looks over at the sleeping for of Joe*

All right, I think that's about it from me for now.


2  rock on

3:18  Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
mood    thoughtful

*sighs* Ok...this night was insane. I ended up in Ireland because Cam asked me to go with her because we were told something by Todd and Vinnie that was *coughs* A big fat lie. Those fuckers locked us all in a room and it was not good. Between the yelling and screaming, people going after each other like dogs at a bone and everything else it was just craziness. We finally escaped because Cam had punched the door and ended up breaking her hand. When we forced them to let Cam out we escaped. Hell really broke lose then. I'm not going to go in to everything that happened but I have some letters Josh had me write that I am still debating on if I should send or not. If you get a letter from me sometime...well, yeah.

I flew back to meet up with the tour and I'm just kind of sitting here thinking. I'm worried about my sonogram, which is going to be on the twenty-first. On of the FFAF guys made the appointment for me since we have no show that day. *sighs* The day before my birthday. I told Benji about it and let him know I would send him a copy of the sonogram pictures so he could see the twins and he said no, that he wanted to be there....so as far as I know Benji is flying over. I'm not sure how that is going to work but I'm not going to deny him being there. I'm really nervous and excited to see my babies though...even if they are just little specks. I'm constantly amazed that I have two little lives inside my body. Sometimes I just sit there with my hand over my abdomen and wonder what they are going to be like...will they be girls, boys, one of each? Will they look like me? *laughs softly* So many possibilities and questions. One thing is for sure though, they will be loved.


1  rock on

12:04  Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
mood    crazy


6  rock on

3:45  Monday, April 14th, 2003
mood    geeky
music    Just Rock and Roll // Midtown

*grins happily*
Joe Brown got a journal. Yes, ok I'm terribly excited by this fact. I met Joe a bit back when I went to a show of theirs right when they were starting out. The show was amazing so afterwards I went over to congratulate then. I actually ended up talking to Phil first because he recognized me and was a fan. *laughs* We were talking about the rigs we use when Joe ran up and was either drunk, stoner or both but he was nuts. He somehow convinced Phil to convince me to give him my phone number and I did, never expecting him to call. Much to my surprise he did. We started becoming pretty good friends though we didn't get to see each other much since they were busy with recording and touring and such. We lost touch for a while....during the period where my life was pretty crappy and he was on tour with The Movielife. He called me up about two days ago though and we talked for hours. I kept hinting at him that he should get a journal and I guess it worked *smiles happily*.

Last night was most interesting talking to him though...and a bit embarrassing that everyone will see it! *laughs* I SWEAR I WAS INNOCENT IN THE WHOLE THING! despite what Vinnie may say. Anyhow...Joe....asked me on a date *smiles* I told him about the twins and he still wanted to go. Ok, so I am so fucking happy and excited...Joe Brown. Hot m'kay. He may come off as a jerk sometimes but he really is a great guy.

All right, I need to go shower and get ready for the show at the Roadhouse in Manchester.


18  rock on

6:49  Sunday, April 13th, 2003
mood    Postal Worker
music    Free Fall Without a Parachute // Senses Fail

I swear to god the next "oh I'm so in love" post I see I will morph in to Disgruntled Postal Worker Ginger.

Well I had a dream last night and in my dream I took a knife to you.
I slit your throat from ear to ear
The wound was gasping for the air.....your scream so clear

But every dream could never come true.
Only in my sick mind can I do these things to you.

With every passing moment, it just keeps getting worse
The walls are getting smaller and I am six feet beneath the earth.
And I will be, oh I will be, lost.

I had a dream last night and in my dream I robbed a country club.
A 5 year old tried to stop me, but I shot him through the head, and now he's dead.

Your heart.

Oh it's better too...... Rush upon this blade
Then give into the fear in your heart.

These dreams never cease

PW Ginger
24  rock on

10:08  Saturday, April 12th, 2003
I went to the doctor. Happy Ehrinn and Joel?
rock on

1:49  Saturday, April 12th, 2003
mood    sore
music    dashboard

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barley scraping by
But you're barely scraping by

This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...

Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
rock on

12:29  Saturday, April 12th, 2003
mood    sick

Oh my god...pictures of me! )

21  rock on

11:07  Friday, April 11th, 2003
mood    sick

Yeah, when do I even listen? I went for a walk, got stuck in the rain and now I have a nice big fucking fever. As if my life doesn't suck enough I have a hundred and one fever, I'm listening to Dashboard on repeat and I think I saw a little purple man just run in to the bathroom. Maybe he love me *goes to look for the little man* Ok no, he said I'm Hoggle and flushed himself down the toilet.

rock on

5:59  Friday, April 11th, 2003
mood    depressed
music    Withered // Static Lullaby


where did summer go?
left me to wonder when the bottle will tap out.
and the sun will arise.
I woke up yesterday with a hole in my chest...(yet I feel no pain)
numb to all feeling (life in winters chill)
to feel the warmth from this bottle is useless (when you wake up its gone)
when you wake up it all starts again.
I learned to break yesterday.
destroy tomorrow.
I've watched each leaf fall off my tree.
I've watched the seasons change.
why step aside when you fall back in place? why?

Oh misery is so beautiful... I need this.
2  rock on

2:42  Friday, April 11th, 2003
mood    Dead Inside
music    Thrice

I'm done. I'm done with it all. When we get to London I'm dropping off the tour. I'll fly home and go *shrugs* I don't know where. I'm tired of people, tired of life, tired of it all. Other people are allowed to be happy...but apparently not me. You know what, I don't care anymore. I've lost the ability to care. So go ahead, fuck with my life, people seem to enjoy doing that. Everything I let myself come to care for is taken away, so I quite. I quite caring.

Can we,
can we kill each other quickly?
quick enough so I won't feel it?
a shot of strobe light anesthia
and I'll be fine

as I begin to feel cold
my hands are shaking from fear,
white from clutching my pride,
red from cutting you,
and blue from telling lies.

'cause I'm sick of the stabbing,
I'm sick of the breaking,
I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
sick of this circle of death that we dance through
again and again, just lay me in the ground.

let's fall asleep together,
hold me darling 'cause I'm scared,
and I can't do this alone.

but I need!
your heartbeat
to own me,
your cold lips to breathe,
a promise that, tomorrow
we'll wake up somewhere new.

11  rock on

9:47  Thursday, April 10th, 2003
mood    uncomfortable

Ok...I'm sitting on a fucking airplane, which I had since I'm deathly afraid of flying...and I'm listening to Dashboard. What the hell? I've been alternately crying, laughing and just curling up in the seat and staring at the screen saver of my laptop. It's not even a good one...just a black screen that random lyrics I programmed in occasionally flash across. Why am I all emo? That's a long story that I don't want to get in to. People, including me are confused and so things are just well, for lack of another word right now...confusing. Recent events could potentially shift things in my life for either a very good turn or a slight nudge in to another small downward spiral. I think a lot of choices I made in the past were wrong. Very wrong and put me on the path that I hopefully have now stepped off of. *laughs* That sounds almost Robert Frost-ish. It's true though, what he wrote about two paths diverging. I think though, that if people chose the wrong path...a lucky few may be able to backtrack and take the path they should have taken the first time but were to stupid and naive to take. We all make the wrong choice at some point in our life's, hell usually a lot more than once. Sometimes though, if we are lucky, we may get a chance to correct our mistakes.

All right, enough, I'm getting more emo by the second and that is bad. I should probably be trying to get a bit of sleep right now but I swear I keep hearing weird...un-normal plane noises and freaking out. I'm sure my squeaks have annoyed everyone by now so maybe I will try and take a short nap. I'll be around later though since I don't seem to be able to sleep for any great length of time.


4  rock on

5:55  Thursday, April 10th, 2003
mood    crappy

Last night was really great. Joel flew to out to spend the night with me. We sat and talked for a long time about our lives. I listened while he talked about what was bothering him and tried to give him some comfort. We probably stayed up far later than either of us should have just being silly....Wiggamanjoel *laughs* That's right...Joel Madden is a Trekki! It was funny though. Apparently everything I say has some hidden meaning according to him. *shrugs* He left this morning to head back and join their tour. It was really nice to see him again though...and I'm still amazed he flew across the county to see me.

I talked to Ali about something that was worrying me last night and as usually she was able to quickly cheer me up. We like to burn barbies and monkeys after we dress them to look like Sodomy Hussain. Mmm, fire *laughs*

MAGGS SPAMMED ME! She officially rocks my world m'kay?

Anyhow, I'm not really much in an updating mood so I will write a nice long one on the plane later.


3  rock on

2:56  Thursday, April 10th, 2003
mood    thankful

*sighs happily and yawns*
Tonight.....has been wonderful. I probably will write more later, but right now I want to get back to bed. I want to say though......I have some of the most amazing friends around. One flies across the country to see me and the other lights dolls on fire with me. I really am amazingly lucky.

92  rock on

11:37  Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
mood    grateful
music    I Wanna Be With You // Mandy Moore

I try but I can't seem to get myself
To think of anything but you
Your breath on my face
Your warm gentle kiss, I taste the truth
I taste the truth

We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one whose in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

So I`ll hold you tonight
Like I would if you were mine
To hold forever more
And I`ll savor each touch that I wanted
So much to feel before (To feel before)
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one whose in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

Oh baby
I can'y fight this feeling anymore
It drives me crazy when I try to

So call my name
Take my hand
Make my wish
Baby, your command?

I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
(I wanna be) I wanna be with you (I wanna be with you)
I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you (Yeah)
(I wanna be with you) I wanna be
I wanna be with you
(I wanna be)
(I wanna be)
(I wanna be with you) Yeah
(I wanna be with you)
I wanna be, I wanna be baby
I wanna be
(I wanna be with you)
I wanna be with you, yeah
I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you
rock on

2:03  Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
mood    lethargic

I flew home from Virginia...where I had been staying at a Bed and Breakfast, a type of hotel, today. I hadn't gone far from Maryland because the doctor at the hospital wanted me to stay close...so I only went about an hour and a half away. Close enough to suit him and far enough to escape from everything I needed to. I stayed in this lovely little cottage on a farm. The Cottage )

We leave tomorrow for the UK and I'm still really apprehensive about it. I have decided to say screw you to management and everyone else. I'm going to play and sing but don't expect me to do anything other than stand there while I do it. I'm not going to put my babies at any more risk then they already are.

So yeah...my twenty-second birthday is this month. On the twenty-second to be exact. I'm not really looking forward to it because I will be spending it mostly alone. We have a show that night and after the shows I'm usually exhausted. I can't go out and party anyway so I will probably just curl up in bed and hang out online or something. It's a bit depressing but there is nothing I can do about it.

My mom came over today to give me an early birthday gift...she gave me a quilt she had been making over the years from things of mine like old clothes and baby blankets and such, I started crying because it made me think of my childhood and how things were so easy and uncomplicated back then. We sat there wrapped in the quilt for a bit, not talking, her just stroking my head. She told me that she loved me and was proud of me. That meant so much coming from her because I've been feeling like I let my parents down lately. She had to go then because my dad was taking her to dinner so we said our goodbyes. I went and began to pack, but stopped because I was tired and a bit dizzy. I went and laid on the couch under my new quilt and slept for a while.
I still woke up rather lethargic so I'm going to put off packing till tomorrow and just sort of be a bum tonight. I'm to awake to go back to sleep, but to tired to do much of anything. Weird combination. *laughs*


rock on

It's....it's not what most of you will think. 11:41  Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
mood    thoughtful
music    Thinking of You // Student Rick

Each and everyday
I somehow find away to think of you again.
But in the back of my mind I know I waste my time
Cuz yeah I'm thinking of you again.
It's something in my dreams I never knew just what it meant to you.
It's something in my life I just never knew what to do.

I wish there was a day you would come my way,
Cuz I'd wonder what id say and in the back of my mind
I know I'd waste my time
Cuz I'm thinking of you again...

Something in the way with the words you say it makes me think of you again.
Each and every night, I wanna hold you tight.
cuz I'm thinkin of you again..
It's something in my dream I never know just what it means to you .
It's something in my life I just never wondered why.
Cuz I'm thinkin of you again.
rock on

5:13  Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
mood    contemplative
music    Thinking Of You // Student Rick

*sighs and runs my fingers through my hair, staring out the window a moment before looking back at the screen*
I did frivolous things last night. Dancing in the moonlight, laying on a blanket and looking up at the sky searching for shooting stars. The night was just extraordinary and I can't tell you why...but it was. I was the best night I have had in a long time. I could honestly say that my heart was light and there was no pain, no sadness just a calm and happiness about me.

I decided I'm going to find myself a house like this. I love Long Beach and it will always be my home....but I don't want to raise my children there. I want them to have a yard to play in without worrying that there could be a drive-by. A school system minus the gangs. I want them to be able to run and play in trees, have a tire swing and a tree house. All the things I didn't as a kid. I know I can't afford what I want for them right now but maybe after the tour and the next CD comes out I can manage it, or I can rent something. *sighs* So many ideas in my head and they keep getting locked to each other.
*cocks my head to the side a moment*
After certain recent events...I've found my thoughts turning to something more than they should. They seem to narrow and focus on this one thing and my heart speeds up and my stomach flips-flops. This isn't good though. It's a something, however much I might like it to, it will never be. It's ok though. I don't want to complicate lives because of it so I'll hold it close and keep silent. It's for the best.


rock on

3:05  Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
mood    content
music    Someday We'll Know // Mandy Moore

I think I found a bit of the old Ginger today with the help of some friends. First Ali and I spanked the monkey, beat it...then set it on fire. The monkey then met Pussy and proceeded to have wild stuffed animal sex. Apparently Monkey likes it when Pussy sticks her tail in his ass. *shrugs and looks mystified* Ali had to go though because she received a call that Daryl was in the hospital. I know he may not be too fond of me but I hope he recovers quickly and as pain free as possible. Ali invited me to go but I couldn't due to out tour starting soon. After she left I went to lay in the flower garden again and fell asleep on the sun drenched grass for a while. After that I headed inside and watched the movie Peter Pan...cartoon version of course. One thing struck me about the movie....A Happy Though. I realized that I didn't have one so I set about trying to find mine. I succeeded to such a degree that I found not one but two happy thoughts. It was a revelation of sorts because a lot of weight seemed to disappear when I thought of those things.

Anyhow, I spoke to an old friend later and we talked for quite a while about things that had been going on and such. I missed talking to my friend while I have been sort of hiding from the world. This friend is amazing, no matter what they think or may be said about them. Though we have had our ups and downs they have been there for me if I needed them and I hope I can do the same. Their friendship means a great deal to me, but not as much as they do themselves.


Crappy little update but I'm a bit distracted so it will have to do.


4  rock on

7:57  Monday, April 7th, 2003
mood    thoughtful
music    The Pharmasist // Hot Rod Circuit

Hmmmmm, I wonder what this could be )

rock on

"I learned to break yesterday, Destroy tomorrow, I've watched each leaf fall of my tree, I've watched the seasons change." 4:40  Monday, April 7th, 2003
mood    indescribable
music    Withered // A Static Lullaby

David rules ok? Yeah, last night he was able to take my mind off all the shit that has been going on by just being random....not to mention he spammed me *laughs softly* It's strange, I did dislike him for a little while...but I guess things change...or I have changed. I'm pretty sure it's the latter of the two. Anyhow, keeps all your brooms away from David *grins* because he might taint them.

Ali and I talked for a while last night and she is on her way here right now. We are both having horrible allergic reactions to parts of life and they make out eyes water. Yeah, that's right, Ali is a hardcore thug and doesn't cry and anyone who says differently is a liar. She needed to get away though so *sighs* I told her she was welcome to come hide with me in my undisclosed location. She is going to bake us lots of cake and we will sit and listen to Rufio and Foo Fighters, maybe throw in some Dashboard. I've been listening to a bunch of Descendents lately as well as Static Lullaby and Senses Fail. *shrugs* It's probably not good to listen to such angry and violent music but it makes me feel something. I don't know if that something is good, but it's something that isn't painful like every other feeling I've been having.

Well, Ali should be here shortly so I'm going to go take a shower and get dresses in something other than boxers and an old T-shirt I stole from someone. I'll probably write more later... *shrugs* I don't know.


4  rock on

10:47  Sunday, April 6th, 2003
mood    blank
music    Water Music // Handel

So I'm hiding out now. The place is so beautiful and relaxing that just the small time I've been here has been therapeutic. I took one of the blankets that I found in a closet and sat outside on the porch in the sun listening to the birds and just not thinking at all. I sat there for maybe two hours till I realized it was getting dark out and went inside to light a fire in the fireplace. The owners had everything set up so all I had to do was light a match and instantly there was a cheerful fire to warm up the cottage. I still don't feel up to eating so I made a cup of tea and am laying on the couch watching a movie on my laptop.

*sighs* I know running and not telling anyone where I am probably isn't the best thing to do...but I couldn't stay. There are many reasons why but I'm trying not to think of them because every time I do the hand around my heart squeezes tighter and I begin to cry. Things in my life these past month or so have just been to hectic and upsetting and I feel like I lost myself somewhere in them. Before I can do anything else I need to find out just who I am and I can't do that in the situation I was in. I know Benji meant well by bringing me...but even the most well meant endeavors can fail miserably...as in the case of this one. I don't know if he will understand why I had to go *sighs* and for that I'm sorry. I'm not taking the babies away from him...but right now I cannot be near him. Maybe after......after the tour things will be different. I don't know though.

For now, I intend to hide near yet far from everyone in this peaceful place I have found and try to unlock the door I seem to have built around myself and lost the key to. Only one person knows where I am but they shall remain anonymous because I do not want them bothered.


38  rock on

8:11  Sunday, April 6th, 2003
mood    depressed
music    Missing The Innocence // Autopilot Off


I'm leaving. I'm not telling any of you where I'm going because it just causes problems.

Chris: Just let it go. Things are how they are.
Benji: I'm not taking the babies away from you I just need to go away because of things.
William: I'm sorry...you know the rest.

I wish I wasn't waiting.
This place gets smaller everyday.
We all have characters and we know the parts we play.
We're actors and actresses,
that's all. Please take me away.
I just want to start over.
There are things I'd like to change.

I miss the innocence,
when the doors all stood wide open.
The sun's gone down on better days.

If I let you know, nothing can last forever.
I never thought everything would change.
If I let it go, nothing can last forever.
I never thought everything would change.
Well, maybe I did. Just not today.

I never thought that things would change.
I miss the innocence.

rock on

4:48  Sunday, April 6th, 2003
mood    scared

*curls my knees closer to my chest under my hoodie*
I had to go to the hospital last night. I left the Madden house because of certain things and took a cab to a hotel. I hadn't been at the hotel very long before a bolt of pain shot through my abdomen and I began to bleed. I called a cab to take me to the nearest hospital and cried the whole way there. When I got there the doctors rushed me in to a room and managed to stop the bleeding. Both the babies were unharmed but I was told that I had to remain quiet, preferably in bed, for a week and I needed to be stress free because they think that is what triggered this in the first place.

I don't know what the hell I am going to do...I'm supposed to leave for the UK in four days. I'm scared to death that if I go I'm going to lose the only thing good in my life I have left...but if I don't go I screw up the lives of so many people. I feel like god is punishing me for something, but I don't know what. He's like a cruel child dangling that dangles a toy in front of a smaller child and as the little one just manages to feel the toy, it's snatched away. Everything in my life is like that and especially recently. These babies are the only thing I have left of *shakes my head* no, I'm not going to go there.
I know I have friends who care and want to help, but I feel like I'm lost in this place that's been created to consume me. I keep wandering around but I can't find my way out no matter how hard I try. It's almost like my nightmare...I'm trapped and can't or am not allowed to be free. *sighs heavily* I'm not sure I'll ever be free. I miss the girl I used to be, the one who was carefree and full of laughter. I catch glimpses of her sometimes but she has become fearful and hides behind a wall of protection.

"Alone I'll stand as they all dance.
I've tangoed one too many times, the floor is just not for me." -TSL

Maybe I'm meant to be alone, just the babies and I. Give all my love to them because they are the miracle in my life, the thing that keeps me going. I feel like I have tangoed too many times and I don't have the energy left to go back out on the dance floor. So I will sit in the corner and watch the dancers spin in their ever moving circles because I don't have anything left to give to a dance partner.


Save Me )
4  rock on

3:26  Sunday, April 6th, 2003
mood    Scared to death

*nibbles my lip* I left the Madden house. I took a cab to a hotel...but I'm really worried now...I think something might be wrong with me...or the babies. I'm about to take a cab to some hospital because I'm.... *frowns*...my cab is here, I have to go.


5  rock on

1:17  Sunday, April 6th, 2003
mood    sad

*sighs* I think I might go. Maybe not leave completely but go to a hotel and just visit when things at the house aren't so crazy. I love being around my friends again.... but certain parts of being here are very difficult. I talked to Mandy a bit about it because *sighs* she understands what I mean. She gave me some advice to tell people how I feel but I'm still gun shy from the last time I did that. Maybe I will write a letter...I don't know.

I penned a song this afternoon when I went for a short walk. I took my notebook and a pen and went for a walk...walking till I got tired, which unfortunately wasn't far. I sat in a patch of sunlight and scribbled lyrics down until no more came. When I read it, this was what I had.

Another kid with a broken heart
Thinks she's lost the boy of her dreams
Let me tell you what I've learned
Things aren't always what they seem

You dreamed of him, did he think of you
You wanted him, did he want you too
You wrote a song
Did he even care?
Maybe some day he'll wish you were there

Another kid thinks she's lost her way
Like he's the one from above
Lived and dreamed for his every word
Fooled again by this thing called love

You dreamed of him, did he think of you
You wanted him, did he want you too
You wrote a song
Did he even care?
Maybe some day he'll wish you were there

3  rock on

Sue me....I'm going to be cryptic 5:07  Saturday, April 5th, 2003
mood    confused

*sighs* I have a lot to think about now and most of it things I have chosen to let rest in my mind too long. Questions arise and are left unanswered or unanswerable by actions of others and perhaps myself.

14  rock on

1:14  Saturday, April 5th, 2003
mood    lonely

I've pretty much avoided everyone here at the Madden house today other than Sarah and Mamma Madden, and occasionally Josh. Mamma Madden and I went out for a while this afternoon. We ended up talking about everything that had happened and my crying in her arms while she rubbed my back. I got a hold of myself and we began to talk about the babies. Since she has been through the twin thing she had some great advice for me about things to do and not do and such. She recommended using a lot of vitamin E and lotion all over to keep from getting any stretch marks, taking lots of naps..which I already knew, and certain foods to eat that would help me feel a bit more energized. She told me stories from when she was pregnant with the twins and when they were babies that made me laugh and helped to calm some of my fears. We just kind of sat there in silence for a few minutes then she hugged me and told me thank you for making her a grandma. I started crying again then she started crying...*sighs* Two women sitting in this park like place crying and hugging. She pulled out some tissues and we got ourselves back together then headed back to the house. When we got back Sarah grabbed me and told me, yes told me that we were going to the movies and that I better get changed...so I did. *laughs* What else was I going to do with an order from Sarah. We went to go see "Old School" which was funny as hell. It was nice to get out and let the movie take my mind off of everything else....well, till Sarah decided to annoy the man in front of us by blowing air through the straw from her soda on to his neck. He kept batting at his neck till he finally turned around and gave us the death look. I grabbed Sarah's straw and apologized to him. The movie ended shortly after that and Sarah dropped me off at the house before going to find her friends because I was feeling really ill. I think I may lay down for a few on the couch because I'm getting a bit dizzy.


rock on

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