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12:39  Friday, May 2nd, 2003 |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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music |
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I Want To Hear You Sad // The Early November |
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*turns up the song playing on my disc-man and twirls my hair in my finger*
So I have been listening to this same song for about an hour, and I think I'm going to keep it on repeat. Have you ever found a song that just makes you smile and feel like everything is fine, a song that you just want to hear again and again till you find yourself bouncing around and rocking out to it? I've probably freaked out half the bus because I'm sitting here singing along to the song at the top of my voice and bouncing up and down in my seat then playing air guitar. Ok, so I'm a dork! *laughs* I even did the whole thing dance on the bed thing Kiki does in "Bring It On" minus the pom-poms. I'm incredibly glad nobody on the bus has a video camera because yes, Ginger dancing around like a maniac in an oversized hoodie and boxers is not something that needs to be recorded. Ace would probably get a giant kick out of it though...me dancing around to his song. *laughs*
( You know you are curious about the song ;-) )
Anyhow....FIVE MORE DAYS TILL I SLEEP IN MY OWN BED AGAIN AND SEE MY DOGS!!! I've missed my house, the beach, the heat, my dogs, all of it. My mom is going to go by my house and stock it with her incredibly cooking and bring my dogs home before I get there. I wish I could have brought Static and Allister with me but the quarantine laws are just blah. It's going to be a bit lonely after having been around so many people throughout the tour but that could be a good or bad thing, I'm not sure yet. *shrugs*I might invite someone to visit.
Ok, now that I have sat still for a while and typed something I am going back to dancing like I've never danced before *laughs*.
Ginger
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| Beneath the rafters the angels sing spinning violence and playing with my heart. |
4:14 Wednesday, April 30th, 2003 |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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There's No "I" In Team // Taking Back Sunday |
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Why is it that people who think they know me or what is going on feel they have to involve themselves in things. To be cliche and quote MTV..."You think you know but you have no idea." Each story has two sides and how people can say they are impartial yet only know one side has me baffled. So perhaps something I said was unfair but that was a two-way street because the name hurled at me was just as unjustified. These people say that I'm the one flinging cruel words and hurting people...well maybe you should find out what was said to me first.
You say you have washed your hands of me, well I say I really don't care. I gave our friendship another chance even after everything that had happened and well, burn me once shame on you but burn me twice shame on me. I should have known better than to think you had changed any from the selfish boy you had always been. You aren't ready to be a father, fine, you have the option of choice that I didn't.
As for you, don't call yourself a friend of mine. True, you probably used to be my best friend but now *shrugs* you helped teach me not to give me friendship out so easily and that's a lesson I'm taking to heart. You broke my trust in the most harsh and hurtful way possible and I'm not the naive forgiving person I used to be.
To the other people, the people who have helped and stood by me, you all mean more than anything to me and I will never be able to thank you enough. Words can't express how much your friendship has and will always mean to me.
Ginger
( Curious? )
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12:57 Wednesday, April 30th, 2003 |
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mood |
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 pessimistic |
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music |
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Will I Make It // One True Thing |
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Sweet like a peach, with a mouth like a truck.
Little Miss Starlight is down on her luck.
Nothing else matters, when you're on your own.
No one else cares, they just leave you alone.
Will I make it, will I fall?
Will I even remember at all?
If I stumble, will I cry
or will I die?
Lost in a lie, that no one believes.
No one will know till they've seen what you've seen.
Been through the bramble, I've been through the brush.
Came out with nothing and nothing's not much.
Will I make it, will I fall?
Will I even remember at all?
If I stumble, will I cry,
will I die?
Will I make it, will I fall?
Will I even remember.
I don't want to remember, yet no one will let me do anything that will allow me to forget. I tried to drink tonight but wasn't allowed. *sighs* So maybe that's a good thing but right now it doesn't feel like it. All I want is to go home to my own bed, curl up with Allister and Static and sleep for the next millennium. I can't do that though because I have to do all these stupid shows and this stupid tour and the next tour. I keep telling myself I'll be in my won bed on the eighth but it's not working anymore. I'm too tired of all of this and having to do it by myself. I know that doesn't make sense because my friends are constantly supportive...but it's a diffrent kind of alone that I don't know how to put in to words.
Ginger
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6:24 Monday, April 21st, 2003 |
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mood |
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 touched |
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It's over. My first sonogram. Benji flew over but he got here this morning so we sat in my hotel room and watched movies. Benji is scared of Resident Evil! *laughs* He screamed like a little girl when the inside-out dogs came on :-x After Resident Evil I changed in to some baggy cloths and Joe's hoodie and we headed to the hospital. The cab ride was strange because both of us were nervous as hell. I asked Benji why he was nervous since he had done this before and he replied "But never for my own kid." I laughed and gently reminded him that he now had not one but two of them. He headed in to the hospital and I went and got the paperwork. Benji and I both agreed that it would be best to have a check-up as well after the bleeding incident. He took the forms up for me and was told by the nurse that it would be about twenty minutes. While we were sitting there he brought up what would happen once the babies are born. I told him he was welcome in their lives at anytime.....with one stipulation. We talked about the stipulation and he agreed to it. I don't think many would understand, but till our children are old enough to have things explained to them then it will remain in place.
The nurse finally called my name and as we were walking in I got really scared. Benji placed his hand on my back and leaned down to whisper that it was ok, and that he was here with me. That helped and I was able to follow the nurse in to the room where she handed me one of those horrible gowns to put on. I tried to hint to Benji to leave while I changed but he just turned around and faced the wall. I changed in record time and sat down on the table. Benji moved to stand next to me and we awaited the doctor. He came in and introduced himself to us and began the exam, checking my breasts quickly. I had my eyes closes because it was bad enough that Benji was looking at my breasts but him grumbling about killing the doctor was horrible. After doing my breasts the doctor had me slide down so he could begin the internal examination. I grabbed Benji's hand and closed my eyes. The doctor started the exam and the next thing I know I open my eyes to see Benji down there with him watching him...and me. When the doctor went to feel inside to make sure everything was ok Benji yells and things went down hill from there. Thank god the doctor finishes up quickly because I really was uncomfortable having both the doctor and Benji looking at me *coughs* down there.
After he finishes, the doctor told me I could put my clothes back on while he went to get the machine. I slid my clothes on, the whole time about to die of embarrassment from the comments Benji kept making. I finally ended up punching him in the chest to try and shut him up. It didn't work but it made me feel better. The doctor finally returned with machine and rubbed the conductor jelly on to my stomach. I looked up at the monitor in awe as I saw Benji and my babies for the first time. ( The First Picture ) I teared up and Benji got really close to the monitor and we squeezed each others hands and looked as the next image appeared. ( The Second Picture ) The doctor then went and was able to let us see each baby individually and made a print out of it. ( The Printout Picture )
Benji and I ended up hugging and getting all sappy over the pictures. It's incredible...seeing the life inside of you, your babies for the first time. I've never felt anything like it. Watching Benji watch the screen, looking at the babies almost made me cry again. Even if he isn't around much because of the situation...he is going to be a great dad to the kids. I told him that and he got all teary and we hugged again.
*stretches and sighs, rubbing the back of my neck and shoulders*
I'm going to have to postpone the rest of the story because my back is killing me and I can't sit here and type anymore in this sitting.
Ginger
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5:50 Sunday, April 20th, 2003 |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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music |
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Moosh // Bigwig |
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I can't sleep. The sonogram is tomorrow. I'm nervous, excited, scared...god, all of it. I can't wait to see the babies though, see the two lives growing inside my body. Even though they are still incredibly small, just being able to see that they are there is going to be amazing. *moves my hand down to rest protectively on my stomach* I'm twenty-one years old, twenty-two tomorrow and I'm carrying two other people in my body. At may age that is enough to scare anyone. I never expected to have children this soon. I was thinking about that earlier when I was talking to Cam. I expected myself to be married and settled before even thinking about raising a family....but I guess you can't plan everything. So instead of where I saw myself I'm at just about the opposite. I'm single and pregnant with two babies I love more than anything and I'm...well, I'm ok with that. I know Benji wants to do the whole provide for them and everything but it's a bit difficult to be able to count on him fully because of getting burned like I did. I can't help but think and plan for him not being around much, if at all once the other baby is born because that's the one he wanted from the beginning. He never exactly planned on these two coming along. No matter what happens the babies have plenty of male's who want to interact with them...*laughs* ever if they aren't born yet. These kid's are going to be Reyes's and that means that they will make it through whatever comes along.
Ginger
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| OCC |
5:01 Thursday, April 17th, 2003 |
all right, it's one thing to say something behind my back but when you go and out and out lie about me and post partial conversations to suit your purpose without showing the part where you act like a 5 year old I get pissed. Don't tell people we agreed on something when no fucking conclusion was ever reached. NOTHING WAS EVER DECIDED.
Now to address one comment in particular. But I'm sick of her constantly trying to ruin anything going good with my such character.
That is the most ridiculous thing I think I have heard in a long time. I have not ruined a thing for your character...if it was to be anything I believe that comment should be turned around. If you remember...Ginger was the one Brody asked to try and help her get Beck back...and ginger went and tried. Ginger was the one who Brody asked for help with Tim and once again Ginger did what Brody asked.
If you want to act like an immature child because things don't go exactly how you planned to a T....then fine, be that way, but have the decency to at least be honest in your ramblings.
Thank you,
Jennifer
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10:08 Saturday, April 12th, 2003 |
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I went to the doctor. Happy Ehrinn and Joel?
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2:42 Friday, April 11th, 2003 |
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mood |
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Dead Inside |
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music |
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Thrice |
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I'm done. I'm done with it all. When we get to London I'm dropping off the tour. I'll fly home and go *shrugs* I don't know where. I'm tired of people, tired of life, tired of it all. Other people are allowed to be happy...but apparently not me. You know what, I don't care anymore. I've lost the ability to care. So go ahead, fuck with my life, people seem to enjoy doing that. Everything I let myself come to care for is taken away, so I quite. I quite caring.
Can we,
can we kill each other quickly?
quick enough so I won't feel it?
a shot of strobe light anesthia
and I'll be fine
as I begin to feel cold
my hands are shaking from fear,
white from clutching my pride,
red from cutting you,
and blue from telling lies.
'cause I'm sick of the stabbing,
I'm sick of the breaking,
I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
sick of this circle of death that we dance through
again and again, just lay me in the ground.
let's fall asleep together,
hold me darling 'cause I'm scared,
and I can't do this alone.
but I need!
your heartbeat
to own me,
your cold lips to breathe,
a promise that, tomorrow
we'll wake up somewhere new.
Ginger
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9:47 Thursday, April 10th, 2003 |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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STUPID DASHBOARD! |
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Ok...I'm sitting on a fucking airplane, which I had since I'm deathly afraid of flying...and I'm listening to Dashboard. What the hell? I've been alternately crying, laughing and just curling up in the seat and staring at the screen saver of my laptop. It's not even a good one...just a black screen that random lyrics I programmed in occasionally flash across. Why am I all emo? That's a long story that I don't want to get in to. People, including me are confused and so things are just well, for lack of another word right now...confusing. Recent events could potentially shift things in my life for either a very good turn or a slight nudge in to another small downward spiral. I think a lot of choices I made in the past were wrong. Very wrong and put me on the path that I hopefully have now stepped off of. *laughs* That sounds almost Robert Frost-ish. It's true though, what he wrote about two paths diverging. I think though, that if people chose the wrong path...a lucky few may be able to backtrack and take the path they should have taken the first time but were to stupid and naive to take. We all make the wrong choice at some point in our life's, hell usually a lot more than once. Sometimes though, if we are lucky, we may get a chance to correct our mistakes.
All right, enough, I'm getting more emo by the second and that is bad. I should probably be trying to get a bit of sleep right now but I swear I keep hearing weird...un-normal plane noises and freaking out. I'm sure my squeaks have annoyed everyone by now so maybe I will try and take a short nap. I'll be around later though since I don't seem to be able to sleep for any great length of time.
[[HAPPY I'M SLEEP DEPRIVED SO SUE ME:-*]]
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| "I learned to break yesterday, Destroy tomorrow, I've watched each leaf fall of my tree, I've watched the seasons change." |
4:40 Monday, April 7th, 2003 |
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mood |
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indescribable |
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music |
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Withered // A Static Lullaby |
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David rules ok? Yeah, last night he was able to take my mind off all the shit that has been going on by just being random....not to mention he spammed me *laughs softly* It's strange, I did dislike him for a little while...but I guess things change...or I have changed. I'm pretty sure it's the latter of the two. Anyhow, keeps all your brooms away from David *grins* because he might taint them.
Ali and I talked for a while last night and she is on her way here right now. We are both having horrible allergic reactions to parts of life and they make out eyes water. Yeah, that's right, Ali is a hardcore thug and doesn't cry and anyone who says differently is a liar. She needed to get away though so *sighs* I told her she was welcome to come hide with me in my undisclosed location. She is going to bake us lots of cake and we will sit and listen to Rufio and Foo Fighters, maybe throw in some Dashboard. I've been listening to a bunch of Descendents lately as well as Static Lullaby and Senses Fail. *shrugs* It's probably not good to listen to such angry and violent music but it makes me feel something. I don't know if that something is good, but it's something that isn't painful like every other feeling I've been having.
Well, Ali should be here shortly so I'm going to go take a shower and get dresses in something other than boxers and an old T-shirt I stole from someone. I'll probably write more later... *shrugs* I don't know.
Ginger
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4:48 Sunday, April 6th, 2003 |
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mood |
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scared |
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*curls my knees closer to my chest under my hoodie*
I had to go to the hospital last night. I left the Madden house because of certain things and took a cab to a hotel. I hadn't been at the hotel very long before a bolt of pain shot through my abdomen and I began to bleed. I called a cab to take me to the nearest hospital and cried the whole way there. When I got there the doctors rushed me in to a room and managed to stop the bleeding. Both the babies were unharmed but I was told that I had to remain quiet, preferably in bed, for a week and I needed to be stress free because they think that is what triggered this in the first place.
I don't know what the hell I am going to do...I'm supposed to leave for the UK in four days. I'm scared to death that if I go I'm going to lose the only thing good in my life I have left...but if I don't go I screw up the lives of so many people. I feel like god is punishing me for something, but I don't know what. He's like a cruel child dangling that dangles a toy in front of a smaller child and as the little one just manages to feel the toy, it's snatched away. Everything in my life is like that and especially recently. These babies are the only thing I have left of *shakes my head* no, I'm not going to go there.
I know I have friends who care and want to help, but I feel like I'm lost in this place that's been created to consume me. I keep wandering around but I can't find my way out no matter how hard I try. It's almost like my nightmare...I'm trapped and can't or am not allowed to be free. *sighs heavily* I'm not sure I'll ever be free. I miss the girl I used to be, the one who was carefree and full of laughter. I catch glimpses of her sometimes but she has become fearful and hides behind a wall of protection.
"Alone I'll stand as they all dance.
I've tangoed one too many times, the floor is just not for me." -TSL
Maybe I'm meant to be alone, just the babies and I. Give all my love to them because they are the miracle in my life, the thing that keeps me going. I feel like I have tangoed too many times and I don't have the energy left to go back out on the dance floor. So I will sit in the corner and watch the dancers spin in their ever moving circles because I don't have anything left to give to a dance partner.
Ginger
( Save Me )
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3:26 Sunday, April 6th, 2003 |
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mood |
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Scared to death |
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*nibbles my lip* I left the Madden house. I took a cab to a hotel...but I'm really worried now...I think something might be wrong with me...or the babies. I'm about to take a cab to some hospital because I'm.... *frowns*...my cab is here, I have to go.
Ginger
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mellow
hungry
contemplative
sore
confused
stressed
curious
bored
aggravated
surprised
crazy
geeky
sick
depressed
lethargic
content
blank
sad