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Blurty for ballroom dancing in combat boots.
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| Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 |
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Dark Akujin57 (11:23:14 PM): you know you really hurt my feelings the other day when you asked if friday was revenge for sunday Dark Akujin57 (11:23:35 PM): it hurt me to think you believe I could, or would, be that petty and vindictive towards you hippiegoddess7 (11:24:26 PM): first off out of nowhere... and yes the way you said it i couldnt help but think it, i dont think your that way, but everything was canceled and then it went on as schedualed,how could i not think something was amiss. Dark Akujin57 (11:25:53 PM): it was never back on, dani got together with me early on in the day, then her mom joined us, Eric kind of showed up, and then Joe Dark Akujin57 (11:26:05 PM): there was never any plan, they all just joined sporadically hippiegoddess7 (11:26:56 PM): look at it from where im standing.... it was canceled and move to a day i couldnt go, and then it was back on Dark Akujin57 (11:27:08 PM): plus I was under the impression you knew I wanted to hang out regardless and that you'd txt me when you got out of work hippiegoddess7 (11:29:02 PM): yeah you hadnt mentioned it till the day off, i had promised my dad id see something with him, i asked again when we got home and then you were all together.... i got pissed, cause well of how everyone showed up, planned or not. i didnt know that. hippiegoddess7 (11:30:17 PM): i hadnt talked to you much that week. cause of the family get together, and the one time i got to, all i got to say was hi, before the storm hit. hippiegoddess7 (11:31:19 PM): i got to thinking you didnt want to see me at all hippiegoddess7 (11:31:29 PM): and then friday Dark Akujin57 (11:39:06 PM): I began thinking the same thing, because I thought you ditched me friday hippiegoddess7 (11:39:06 PM): these feelings wont go away they been knocking me [sideways] Dark Akujin57 (11:39:13 PM): that's why I sent the message on saturday hippiegoddess7 (11:39:50 PM): which i didnt get to read till about 10 minutes before i started talking to u that night Dark Akujin57 (11:41:42 PM): well this whole thing has been one big cluster fuck of a mess hippiegoddess7 (11:42:16 PM): pretty much hippiegoddess7 (11:42:23 PM): and both of our insecurities Dark Akujin57 (11:42:26 PM): and the result was a ruined birthday and weekend and a massive massive fucking head ache all weekend hippiegoddess7 (11:42:27 PM): fantastic Dark Akujin57 (11:42:35 PM): hope you had as much fun as me hippiegoddess7 (11:44:09 PM): um add a few fires and a blown tire, pretty much hippiegoddess7 (11:46:57 PM): [ i blew a tire going into work on thursday, and sunday a we had a bit of a fire at work] Dark Akujin57 (11:49:04 PM): fun hippiegoddess7 (11:50:36 PM): so yeah i had kinda lost it come saturday hippiegoddess7 (11:51:08 PM): which is why i said wed talk later, cause i was feeling like spreading the mood i was in Dark Akujin57 (11:51:27 PM): you wouldn't have spread the bad mood, it was already there Dark Akujin57 (11:52:06 PM): my birthday was ruined,and between massive head ache and the foul mood I wasn't able to enjoy the time I got to spend with Chris Dark Akujin57 (11:52:17 PM): Who was only in town for the weekend Dark Akujin57 (11:52:35 PM): and god only knows when the army will let him out so I can see him again Dark Akujin57 (11:55:30 PM): the more I think about it the more it's making me angry again. I don't think we should hang for a while. At least until I'm not so bitter about this weekend hippiegoddess7 (11:56:02 PM): fine with me, cause as your sitting there getting pissed, so am i hippiegoddess7 (11:56:30 PM): and as ive been trying to look at this logicaly and from both sides, you have only looked at through your side. hippiegoddess7 (11:56:31 PM): night Dark Akujin57 (11:56:44 PM): Wait Dark Akujin57 (11:57:05 PM): I understand sunday wasn't your fault hippiegoddess7 (11:57:08 PM): no, cause your making me feel like shit, and im not goona fucking hide im mad as well hippiegoddess7 (11:57:10 PM): no you dont Dark Akujin57 (11:57:13 PM): and that friday was a big misunderstanding hippiegoddess7 (11:57:22 PM): obviously you dont hippiegoddess7 (11:57:47 PM): cause your treating me like im at FAULT IN EVERY WAY Dark Akujin57 (11:57:57 PM): No, I'm not Dark Akujin57 (11:58:07 PM): And this is why this conversation should have been held in person Dark Akujin57 (11:58:10 PM): Because text sucks Dark Akujin57 (11:58:17 PM): and that right there is my fault for bringing it up hippiegoddess7 (11:58:33 PM): well you dont want to see, so then what Dark Akujin57 (11:58:51 PM): I don't blame you for sunday, and I understand that friday was a misunderstanding Dark Akujin57 (11:59:19 PM): the reason I didn't think we should hang for a bit is because I'm irritated I couldn't enjoy my time with chris and I need to calm down about that hippiegoddess7 (11:59:27 PM): you do that then Dark Akujin57 (11:59:33 PM): and hanging with you while I'm in a bad mood would lead me to snap at you for no reason Dark Akujin57 (11:59:59 PM): I'm not giving you an attitude Tuesday, July 29, 2008 Dark Akujin57 (12:00:06 AM): I'd appreciate I didn't get one in return hippiegoddess7 (12:00:39 AM): oh yes so i should just be so understanding that you are too mad to see me anymore and i should just wait around till you CAN STAND to be around me Dark Akujin57 (12:00:56 AM): that is not at all what I meant and you know it hippiegoddess7 (12:01:04 AM): no i dont Dark Akujin57 (12:01:07 AM): I'm too mad to see anyone Dark Akujin57 (12:01:35 AM): I havn't hung out with Dani or Eric either for the same reason Dark Akujin57 (12:01:48 AM): because I didn't want to snap at them Dark Akujin57 (12:02:04 AM): it had nothing to do with me not being able to stand being around you hippiegoddess7 (12:03:18 AM): i dont think its the same thing. hippiegoddess7 (12:03:37 AM): and excuse me, but im gonna go Dark Akujin57 (12:03:43 AM): please don't Dark Akujin57 (12:03:50 AM): I don't want us to stop talking like this Dark Akujin57 (12:04:04 AM): I just wanted time to calm down hippiegoddess7 (12:04:11 AM): why, why stay around while you continue to point of the flaw of what ive done and make me feel guilt for everyone of them hippiegoddess7 (12:04:20 AM): you expect me to not take it personaly Dark Akujin57 (12:04:25 AM): I'm not trying to do that! hippiegoddess7 (12:04:34 AM): well sorry your sucking at that Dark Akujin57 (12:04:47 AM): I fucked up and over reacted alright Dark Akujin57 (12:04:55 AM): none of this is your fault Dark Akujin57 (12:05:27 AM): I don't want to leave things like this hippiegoddess7 (12:05:38 AM): well what option are you giving me Dark Akujin57 (12:06:24 AM): I don;t know what to tell you here, all I wanted was some space to calm down. The shit with friday was a misunderstanding and sunday I over reacted Dark Akujin57 (12:07:04 AM): I don't want you to feel like shit and I don't want you to be angry at me. I'm not really angry at you I'm upset at the way things turned out hippiegoddess7 (12:07:22 AM): alright, i can understand that Dark Akujin57 (12:07:39 AM): I don't know what else to say hippiegoddess7 (12:07:41 AM): its not a happy underatanding, but its one none the less hippiegoddess7 (12:08:01 AM): come back and talk to me when youve calmed down Dark Akujin57 (12:08:53 AM): alright, well I'm off to get some coffee. There's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight when I'm this worked up. |
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| 2 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Friday, July 25th, 2008 |
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It's easy feeling righteous when removed All you'll get is what you wanna hear It hurts because it should How else am I to make it clear? I could never be the one that you want, don't ask. Well, here's to living in the moment 'Cause it passed. Jimmy eat world- carry you |
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| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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Are you kidding me? Are you fuckin kidding me? After all this, after bitching about today after completely brushing me off. And your what, doing it today, doing it right now…. With everyone except me! And here I’ve been so torn over if this is a big deal or not. And expect me to just be alright with the fact that ive been feeling like shit over missing it, and here you are, with the people you changed the date for, because they could see you tonight. What the fuck. you have all been "chilling" for hours and no one thought to invite me, or even want me to come, till i fuckin call you on it. I feel something... this weird feeling in my gut, making my hands shake and making me antsy. i just... |
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| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Thursday, July 24th, 2008 |
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Isolation has always given me clarity. Its allowed me to distance myself from every little problem. The only problem with that emotion is no longer involved and I see things how they really are. I see every little remark, every motion, every action without emotional response. This is tricky for I fear I must choose a side. Whether to live by my emotions or live by truths. I guess this has always been my problem. Not only can I not decided which aspect of my personality I am and even if I could I would have no way to view that side. School hit’s a sore spot. I don’t like doing something I don’t understand, I just simply wont do it. So not understanding most of this process is keeping me on the procrastinators track. Once I understand it, then I will be fine, but till then its an uphill battle. Isolation has it downfalls, I can never truly enjoy it. If I was the only factor it’d be fine but everyone else sees my isolation as something else, be it their own selfishness or their lack of self that they fear its them that have caused it. I honestly am a isolated person. I would love to live alone in the middle of nowhere. I don’t crave human interaction, except when manic. That seems to be the one time I cant seem to get enough, I am dying to get more and more of it, till it fills my body with a sense of worth. I feel bad in my own body, not in some pre teen I hate my body. It just doesn’t feel right. Nothing falls on my body as it should, every aspect of me is off in some way. I try too hard to impress, to say the right tings. I feel I must be optimistic, cheerful downright naive and submissive. But in my most bare, dare I say fragile moments, I’m proud, forceful even domineering. I go overboard to hide this because for so many years it was looked down on. Now I find I cant control it or turn it off. |
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| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Monday, July 21st, 2008 |
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| I'm over reacting...I hope | ||
| 1 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 |
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I refuse the easy These complicated days are all I had Kept me motivated And strong Perfection grazed my fingertips But never so close to the surface [As now] What now? What can possibly go wrong To justify my existence cause I cant just let things exsist, its too weird |
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| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Thursday, July 10th, 2008 |
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| I'm in love.... now what? | ||
| 3 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 |
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All these sentimental snapshots Toxic to the brain Seduction is foaming to the surface Silence How it infuriates, keeps me passive Eyes glares and sips of wine Circled round insanity and intrigue Children rhymes linger in my conscious These open hearts get me every time Falling down their sleeves Like my inspiration, seeping in the ground soil A cold shower manifesto My head caves, seeking a direction Wondering how they stand the open wound |
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| 2 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Sunday, June 29th, 2008 |
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I sometimes begin to fear why I stop writing... sometimes it me, a lot of the time others its the company i keep and sometimes i just have nothing of substance to say...well poetic style that is and forcing it is never good...hmmm guess i must wait it out |
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| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007 |
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It lingered on my lips What I meant to say when we sat so close forging stories and memories you like to stay awake [4am cerfew kinda girl] an acoustic meledy spoken word I'm on the brink at the risk of sounding dull I dont know what to do |
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| 1 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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Its a tad unclear But a happy ending seems far away and this story is winding down [winding down so slowly] and your something something I never really understood even in context |
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| 2 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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take notice take me [please] |
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| 1 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Friday, May 18th, 2007 |
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I lie Because it’s easy Because its power In small doses I lie Because I trust Because I shouldn’t Because it’s always the same I lie Because I forget Because it’s easier this way And I don’t think I could stand To feel that again |
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| 1 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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It’s defined as Extreme Lifelong It’s no joke It’s not another word for bitch It’s no medical trend It’s not suburban friend And it ant contagious And it won’t give you hives Creative claim it Like a trophy for credibility It’s the gold star in psyche wards It’s a diagnostic sigh The lifelong excuse |
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| 1 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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I considered for a moment How easily it all went away How I swallowed it with water And not an empty stomach Time released paradise [I’m alright] Regimented visits Form an addiction I don’t notice Till years later When clarity gave me twilight [I’m alright] Because the side effects are minor Because I took them in the morning Because I can almost feel relief [I’m alright] [I’m alright] [I’m alright] Don’t believe me |
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| 2 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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Its how the purple sky exploded When I finally came to terms Its how the rain Fell into my eyes As though I missed The miracle that paused time I seem to glow Under this tornado sky It seems like prayer When I lift my eyes to heaven A peaceful condition Waterfalls from my palms Inhale desperation My prides all but gone There is too much time To reconsider How I never smile just right How I never came to your liking Its theses ticking time bombs In a sleek city streets Televangelist canter For spray on wings And a neon halos They rest beside my bed Innocence is inconvenient And I’ll gain courage eventually Because lithium makes me prone To burst of dull And heartless passion But I’d die Before they took away my wings |
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| 2 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
| Thursday, May 3rd, 2007 |
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Tip tap dib dab pretty girl dancing sprawling under track lights swift tip tap dib dab cradeling the air so tenderly deep breath silent step tip tap tip tap pretty girl dancing sweat soaked dancing hair stuck to skin tip tap eternal tango dib dab pass a window dust caught in the air tip tap dib dab |
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| 3 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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SCREAM! for that lack of breath SCREAM! for rightous poverty SCREAM! for that lack of empathy SCREAM! for that strain of apathy SCREAM! for dead girls graves SCREAM! for heartbreak in the streets SCREAM! for anything worth silence SCREAM! cause there's nothing else to do SCREAM! cause nothing else will do |
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| 1 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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death row overtime electirc chair boogie cast a lie "you lie" subjective overtone the glame game in hearts we trust dead weight born to hate allegience to the right its injections for all tonight |
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| 2 I should mean more| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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Dribble down Castrate the ground Fickel beat boop splash crash drizzel down close your eyes feel the beat upon your skin acid rain burn and heats glaze hair sheild hair dribble down castrate the ground |
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| make me think beautiful, unexpected thoughts | ||
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Blurty for ballroom dancing in combat boots.
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