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31st July 2005
Would you ask your drunk sister to drive you to work? I think not. Then why make up some story of how your sister was drunk, and thats why she felt so inclined to crash her car? :
Thats just the beginning.
but alas. Music is amazing.
22nd July 2005
Ten Minutes Later
Ah so I have searched my house high and low for the home phone and have come to the conclusion that it is in my father's bedroom. I'm not sure what I would've done with it once I got it anyway, maybe dial random numbers and hope one of them was the one I needed. Oh technology you are an evil. :
I read over some of my older entries and laughed. Very bipolar, I start off gloomy, then to girly (which I assure you I rarely am). I'm a very different person now. Well, just happier. Still have those problems, and that one boy I spoke of so much is in Ft. Bragg since he's enlisted in the army. He wants to be an air born ranger. So when you are training for that, in your first week they drown you, purposely, then revive you. Talk about comfortably numb. We had a discussion before he left, and I discovered he was quite fond of me, but we both decided against anything beyond what we have.
Angie, where will it lead us from here? <3 (A lot of the music I listen to, is from before I was born. Bands in the Rolling Stones and Beatles era to Louis Armstrong and Bessie Smith to Vivaldi and Beethoven. They don't make music like they used to, that's for sure. But, alas, there is always the beauty of exceptions, those that dare write with passion rather than hopes of selling millions of records. Will music be reduced to something that is for the sheer purpose of singing along on your way home from work? Sure, it's fun. But there is also music that is so powerful all you can do is listen, and live. If you haven't reached the point where music has become overwhelmingly beautiful, then ask me and I will show you.)
I really hope these jerks stop bombing London. When I was there I fell in love with every aspect of that place. Everything. Even those nasty hard beds. And the cold rain. Oh but it was fun dancing in the street with an umbrella in the rain I must say. The pigeons are evil though, but they do not have double chins so maybe they are just another degree of wickedness. OOOH the only show I ever watched on television plays at 2 in the morning! haha thats exciting. The show is Daria. Oh I love that gloomy girl. So um, how about we all go hang with J.K. Rowling in Cafes in London and we'll be sipping our coffee while casting spells on terrorists so when they want to harm people, pigs tails will sprout out of their behind, they'll spit up snails and we'll be all YOU JERK and they'll get sucked into a black hole where there will be other terrorists and they must listen to michael bolton and the spice girls for all eternity as well as having French men walk in from time to time and talk. If you ever meet a authentic french man, you'll know they can talk for hours and everything sounds like a question. We should have Jimmy Carter as our lead man, because no one would suspect him, he builds houses for puerto ricans. Yessss. Anyone game?
BRUSH YOUR TEETH. hmm. This is from Febuary.
Current Music: R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
21st July 2005
Oh my I do miss coming to this site and reading these spectacular journals. My phone has been slowly dying ever since I arrived in the States and needed to call my father to get me from the airport. I think it has finally perished, and I hope to dispose of it in the most relieving fashion, such as throwing it at a wall and watching it shatter MUAHAHAHAHAHA. However, since it has died, and I didn't prepare further, I will have to go about collecting numbers again. :
So I had a lovely evening. The sky is pretty! I met some rather nice people and watched some rather talented people. I was also beat in a stranger complimenting your shirt contest. And scared to a leap by some jerk kids by a window.
So um. I'm getting some mad skills on the violin. Yaay. Well. I think I will go for the evening and find any other option of contacting mister Johnathan.
Current Music: The Unicorns - Sea Ghost
8th February 2005
Real Beauty Withers
The explosions in the sky never seem to subside, and this vacant numbness impels me. Truth is a misconception of false hope and ambition, and opinions are limited. Ignorance and abuse causing beautiful occurrences to be excuses for being hurt and menacing lust to be suffice. We’re told to follow what leads us in full circle rather than our own minds. :
Real Beauty withers. So join me in this pursuit for fatality. I’ll hold your hand as we dissolve, and become nothing but an elapsed lore.
With every triumph there must be a catastrophe to balance out our experiences. Otherwise, it’d all just be a fairytale. So let’s take our dejected ways and form a new culture. Let’s pretend that we have nothing to loose, resurrection is the way. But in order to change we must first define what we are loosing.
Real Beauty withers. So join me in this pursuit for fatality. I’ll hold your hand as we dissolve, and become nothing but an elapsed lore.
Tyler always said in death we become heroes. So in life we are but bystanders witnessing tales of love and loss. What more comfort do we have than dying without fear, and living while dying?
Real Beauty withers. So join me in this pursuit for fatality. I’ll hold your hand as we dissolve, and become nothing but an elapsed lore.
28th January 2005
Febuary 11th :
Media Nox live At Java Jazz!!!
if you guys can, you should go! We need 50 people to get a better time slot next time. I don't think Spring is close to Katy though haha so you don't have tohttp://www.javajazzcoffeehouse.com
20th January 2005
I like Cursive
So I turned 17 yesterday, and I broke my rib! haha. One of them. My band had a gig at an ice cream shop and it was amazing. We forgot to put out a tip jar though. haha they gave us free ice cream though and it was sooooo goooood. I don't updae this thing much, I'm not sure why. Anyways, I hope you all are having splendid days and moments, I am packing up to go to an art competetion. I get to skip school to go draw and stay in a hotel woo! Wish me luck. :
Oh yeah. And the boy played with us. He is going to kill the kid that broke my rib haha. He's such a dork... he pretends to forget my guy friends names but you know he's jealous. You boys are so wierd.
AAAAAAAAAND. I got a pa system! YESSSSSSSSSSSS. It's wonderful. So we are going to sign up for Java Jazz and Fuel and more. We'll be coming to a town near you!
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie
1st January 2005
So this is the new year
Happy new year to all, I suppose my new years resolution will be to update this more often and pick up my school books more. :
"So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance. So this is the new year, and I have no resolution. For self assigned penance, for problems with easy solutions. So everybody put their best suit or dress on, let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once. Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn, as thirty dialouges bleed into one. i wish the world was flat like the old days, and I could travel just by folding a map, no more airplanes or speed trains or freeways, there could be no distance holding us back."
So I listen to that song and I was like wow isn't it ironic that I hear this right, as the fireworks truly elicit roaring explosions in the distance, as my dog begins to whimper in frightful confusion. I get a call from a newly 22 year old as of the 30th. He sounds quite happy, and says,"hello beautiful!" and also confesses how he loves me so much and that he is glad he met me. I'm sure these are good things to hear but for some reason I am not giggling. I smile, but I just have so many sad stories and I'm not sure if I want to get into one starting with a drunken boy using the dreadful L word. He's a sweet guy, he writes music like me and gave me a BOOK for christmas haha. Ahhh falling
As for the boy I commonly mention. He also gave me a book for christmas ha. He got this cute kitty cat, she crawled in his garage and was dying and frail. He's alleric to cats but he is taking care of it and it's getting better. I went to his house and WOW it's so cute haha. He's such a sweet guy. I don't know, he's got so many girls chasing him and we have such a great friendship. What happens will happen. and I'm fine being his best friend.
So my mom got surgery. she's ok I think. Sometimes, life hurts. But that's all you have.
You should all watch the movie Garden State.
I GOT A KEYBOARD FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! and it snowed! ( Check it out yo )
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Expo 86
17th December 2004
I am waiting for something to go wrong
Well well well. I'm back muahahaha. Finals had me occupied. Five Ap classes... art and chemistry keeps you in constant fear you know. My dad gave me a christmas present for the first time in my life.. and it's this expensive beautiful camera. So in return I spend all day yesterday cleaning the house since guitar playing doesnt really get you a lot of money unless you're just in some Josie and the Pussycats scam. I fiddled around with the camera... It's NICE. :
Ha I took a picture of my purse. Some girl asked if it was the backstreet boys. And people ask why I am mean to them?
Yes this is Starlight the horse from Rainbow Brite wearing emo glasses. heh.
This is an oil pastel I did in art. I am going to give it to my mom for christmas. She doesn't know I'm into art, so before the cancer fully takes her I'd like her to be proud of something you know?
Remember the boy I mentioned some entry ago? He keeps asking me to go do stuff with him all of a sudden, and he wants to spend more time with me and he's like,"OOOh you're pretty" and making these corny but cute comments like that. Does that mean anything? I find it confusing. You boys.
So I was driving home through these dark country passes. It was drearily creepy I might add. I was listening to "Title and Registration" by death cab for cutie and prior to this event I had found the song annoying. Then suddenly it all makes sense. "I was searching for some legal document as the rain beat down on the hood. when I stumbled upon, pictures I tried to forget and thats how this idea is drilled into my head, cause it's too important to stay the way it's been and theres no blame for how our love did slowly fade..." Mainly that part and forward. I just cleaned my room and found all of these pictures, letters, poetry I wrote about Kyle, my mom and her drunkeness, a friend that killed himself. just all these things I can never let go of and I was like wow this song is great. It's funny how you can listen to a song, sing to it, and not even realize how beautiful the meaning is... and then the guitars and drums collide and it's this immense pitter patter of a feeling. Maybe it's like those little girls that would sing the popular hip hop song.. whether its baby got back or that sugar ray song about his girlfriends four post bed. Which, when you find the meaning it tends to be the opposite of pitter patter unless you're all free love. I don't know.. I just love driving home alone in the rain or the dark. hmm.
So yeah. I'm about to pack up and go to my mom's. This should be nice. A break from AP classes, confusing boys, bi-polar fathers (edgar allan poe was bi polar hehe) and whatever else I'm engulfed in here. I lent the drummer in my band the novel fight club, and now he started a fight club ha. They go to an abandoned warehouse and yeahh. I know I know, the first and second rule of fight club is you dont talk about fight club. But the irony of it is in order to exist you have to break the rules. otherwise there'd be no fight club. Heh. OH my I love literature! I also lend my dad 1984. He doesnt like it much so I gave him Grapes of Wrath and he likes that one hah. I prefer 1984. Oh well. Man I love books.
I wrote the most emo line ever in my journal last night, "I'm going to split like my heart and attempt to rest" hahahaha
Happy Holidays. A Very Merry Un Birthday. Or birthday.
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie's Translanticism
5th December 2004
I rearrange the furniture as you sleep
You know how in those cheesy hollywood productions they say,"Follow Your Heart?" Who came up with that pointless advice? If someone followed their heart, they'd be led in an painstaking maze through every inch of their body that veins dare to stretch. Then, when they finally have been led around so many dark corners, they're right back where they were, in this chamber of locked oxygen. So what doest following your heart actually help? And people says its not what counts in your head, but whats in your heart. That's horrible too. I mean, all the neurotransmitters in your brain are useless without pereception and the ability to use your mind on your own, but your heart can't tell you who to chase, when to say no, what to do. Your heart just pumps blood and keeps you warm, it's merely what keeps you from becoming off balance. Yet, it's the one thing you remember so it get's all the credit. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste because it's the most powerful thing you have, as I lectured in a previous entry. :
You should never hug a stoned person. I did, and they told me that we needed to break up? haha I didn't even know we were in a relationship. They started crying and confessing all these things and I was very very confused but I pretended like I knew what they were talking about. Woo I got dumped and I wasn't sad hah. Just immensely lost.
Heres something I found in my novel "(Exactly that: I always think that women are going to save me, lead me through to a better life, that they can change and redeem me.)" When, his girlfriend leaves him and he is left to being a bitter English man that owns a record shop.
My favorite quote so far... "What came first, the music or the misery? Did I listen to music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I Listened to the music? DO all those records turn you into a melancholy person? People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos, we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands - literally thousands- of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know wheter pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."
Now does that not wave a white flag?
Goodnight, I wake up a quarter til six and run.
4th December 2004
Doom doom doom doom doom!
I'm over at my mom's house and I've got four books to study from, plus math that is easy but homework should get me up to that A I want. I drive up and theres a giant inflatated penguin in my mom's yard haha. She knows how much I adore the waddling beauties and I guess she decided to purchase one for my amusement. Pretty kind. Last night I stayed up trying once again to find out why I can't get into the water temple... I have my iron boots but there's that darned gate! ARG. Does anyone know? (Zelda orcarina of time) I'm horrible at video games... but they're just so much fun! :
So this house is creepy. Lights randomly flicker, go off and come on. It's rather old and I remember I was this room and the living room TV turns to static and it's blaring this static and I'm freaking out at 1 in the morning expecting that girl from the ring around any corner. Yes, I am quite a pansy indeed.
I'm excited about the band. Grant of course, is a god at guitar. Thomas is great at the drums, he truly is. I feel rather stupid being in a band with them. I think that's a good thing, I want to practice and make myself better. I've been playing for nearly four years (christmas) and I just started singing. Music is splendid, even more so when you make your own. I can't wait til we get more shows... I can't imagine what it's like having someone actually stop to listen to you. I play guitar in front of grocery stores haha and I have solo gigs at ice cream shops and what not, but I don't think it's the same as having the whole nine yards of a band.
SoOoo. Remember that guy that was trying to be mister mercury? Well he's my best friend, and I have this inevitable crush on him, I've had it since I was in 8th grade. (I'm in 11th) Of course, since he's such a beautiful and incredible guy, he's always had some girl he chased around so I never say anything because it'd just damper the relationship. He went out with shelly for about a year and a half.. then she turns into a skanky coke head and totally screws him over... so when that ended I just took care of him and didn't want to say anything.. that is just horrible timing you know. Then he meets a new girl and likes her but they just broke up and now he's being all friendly in his words I guess you could say. It's not cool. He does this a lot.. gets me all excited only to let me be all sad again. That's all right though, I doubt he even realizes it. This is another reason why I'm sort of taking a break from boys... you boys are so confusing. I'm sure girls are quite complex as well. I don't understand myself at times.
I shall go play my guitar now. Then I'll probably read all about the states of conciousness and the theories of dreams. After that I'll dive into the world of the Civil War. Next my foriegn language. Then probably zelda!
2nd December 2004
Why does pizza taste so good? AHHH. So scrumptious yet so horrible for you ahhh. Oh well. I'm going to die from cancer anyway, might as well plaige myself with tastiness. :
So I present my edgar allen poe research today. Got to dress up in a blue dress, painted my shoes blue... brought my guitar and everything. It was fun I guess.
Those are my pink converses gone blue. I'm not a pink fan, and i was suppose to represent the blue room of youth in the Masque of the Red death so why not?
This be my fancy smancy masquerade dress. I had to look nice for Prince Prosperos Masque you know.. Too bad I died since everyone was murdered by the Red Death man. It was cool though, I brought my guitar (more symbolism as the musicians, another diversion from the big picture) Some kid in my History class said,"You're a girl, why do you own a guitar?" I told him it might be because I've played for three years. He didn't believe me, so I whipped it out and showed off. It was nice, I made him feel stupid :D
Thats my best friend michael, he's disguised as a girl! Now I don't find myself at school functions often but I had to support him in his powder puff, I felt like I was at a queen concert though heh.
The asian pities the fool! ha I was trying to use effects on my camera but I failed miserablely... and Jen just looks goofy but its quite splendid.
I punched the asian in the face just then.. surpirsed this even turned out.
Anyway. I felt pictures would be amusing. Thomas and I discussed religion today. He said the youth leader told him that he was just as bad as Satan for not establishing his own relationship with God and what not. So I told Thomas that the mind is a powerful thing, we can create anything we want. We can see things, hear things, feel things, even make ourselves sick. So when we listen to this man preach about a book, and he tells us how "awesome" His power is, people get sucked in. They feel this so called way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having faith mind you, I think if you use faith the right way then it's a wonderful thing. It can provide hope... which leads to motivation and the better of man kind. We agreed that the universe is so perfectly aligned and it is too absurd to think that its so random and meaningless when its so complex. However, I think deism over rules the whole whether He's out there or not. I don't know. Religion is a strange thing. I was raised athiest, and I was savagely beaten when I went to church. I was curious. I will not tell someone they are wrong for what they believe, because I think everyone has truth to their beliefs. However.. when we argue and tell people they are wrong, that they need to think like father whatever because you know, he had tea with Jesus in all.. then thats just horrible. The many branches of christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, Muslim, whatever it is.. it's all basically a part of the same idea. So can't we just have an idea? Believe in something so that we can believe in ourselves?
Yeah. I thought all of this up while watching detriot rock city. The mom said that she could hear the devil when they played KISS records back. So I studied into that.. and learned about how the mind creates everything even if its not there. And boom. There I went. So basically. Faith is abused, but it can be a beauitful thing.
Hopefully I didn't make anyone angry by that.
I think I am going to go read!
Current Music: Elliott Smith - Everything Means Nothing To Me
30th November 2004
Everything looks perfect from far away
So this morning, I leave for school and it's pouring down rain, freezing cold I might add. Then, some idiot tries to pull out infront of a truck turning onto cherry street, he hydroplanes and gets hit by a truck, it was ugly. So I'm a witness, I wait twenty minutes, then the cop directs me to use another street and I end up lost in farmers city Tomball and I can't figure out where I'm going. So I follow a truck that says tool on the back and I figure it must be a kid, so I get to school... late... and I am unable to finish my ESSAY test for AP American History...which is horrible because I have a bad enough grade in that class as it is.. my teacher is in Washington DC and it was a sub. If she was there I'm sure she'd be a little more kind but AGH. So, I am going to have to over achieve this next project on civil war battles sooo much. I was assigned to be with a good partner, so that should be better. Haha I'm such a dork, I get mad because I can't finish a test. I love History, I wanted to write the essay. :( Speaking of essays, we have to write essays to practice for the AP test.. and my teacher gives me back my essay and tells me about how I have a beautiful and creative flair for writing, yet I can't present it with history because I have to use this format. I am going to accept it mind you, but it is just enraging that I have to think and write like everyone else just because some snobby history major has nothing better to do than write up a specific way of writing a paper! What am I getting out of writing these essays when all I do is be taught to think in unison? Aren't we suppose to think out of the box? Reach the post conventional level of morality? Huh? *Breathes* ok now I feel better. Stupid parenthesises. :
So. There's this kid in my class that replies to everything with,"Thats gay" or, on other occasions, "That's awesome" Because of this, I begin to grow grotesquely annoyed with him. That's not absurd is it, I mean you ask him why this thing deserves such a title of being gay and he can't conceive any answer. It's just that idiotic vacant stare. AHHHHHH. So today when I was HELPING him in chemistry explaining quantum numbers and what each one means for every compound, he goes and tells me that I am gay. So, I get into a heated debate with him. Which wasn't very heated actually. I'd say complex sentences with proper grammer, he'd sputter out words like fool pronounced without the L, Stupid pronounced like stoopid, and he refered to himself as the swoll... of course he used his favorite word gay.
My brother is yelling at me because I didn't spell a video game character from final fantasy right. Good grief, he made me play them all and I put one letter in the wrong place and he calls me a,"cock" I told him I am not a chicken and he went to use more obscentities. Haha I speak so strangely and he calls me "shithead" How charming of a family we must be. I love him! :D
Thats my brother haha. He's 22 and enjoys playing video games all day. He lives in Friendswood and works at Buffalo Wild Wings off Bay Area Blvd. I like to go visit him, they have good corn dog bites.
Well I'd love to continue to enlighten you all... well.. the few with my meaningless rambling but I think I need to take a shower. I probably smell of elderberries. Wouldn't want a french man to hurl a cow at me now would we?
Current Music: The Postal Service - Nothing Better
29th November 2004
All right. Well I believe I updated this nearly five minutes ago but I am going to decide against updating my most common journal because well, people I know read it and I'd rather not empty out my soul without censorship to someone that can judge or have bias upoun it. Therefore, here I go! :
I am doubting my decision in staying here in Tomball. I thought it would be cool to meet my dad and live with him, little did I know the reason I didn't know him in the first place was truly that he is an asshole and he continues to be an asshole no matter what happens. I am not one to curse, but I feel he deserves this title. My sister Allison, the girl I don't know, isn't allowed to speak to me or anyone in my family because my father abused her mother. If that isn't enough to forbode me, my dad tried to kill my mom on several occasions which might of led to the divorce. Another thing, is that he is a filthy rich man but refuses to spend any of his millions of dollars or child support on me. He is rarely home, which is nice, but since he is dating a woman who is still married, I am not allowed to reside in the house alone because her husband is out to kill me in revenge for my father. How lovely huh? I'm sure there's a whole new world of troubles I could go into but I think my time for bitching is running low. Oh my there goes another curse word.
So, I wish I chose to move with my mom when she got married to a man living in Seabrook. She's about to buy a house on the water in Kemah, which is pretty neat. I am planning on attending Texas A&M in Galveston, Texas so if I went to school I'd be close. My mom is kind, and though all of the cancer killers have made her crazy, I still love her. I forgive her for her abusing me in the past, she didnt know what she was doing nor can she remember, why should I? Another is that my step dad is a very generous man, he wants to help me pay for my college and help with my musical/art needs. He's all about letting me play gigs and helping me get them, and when my mom actually pays attention to me, she applauds my musical talent.
Now don't get me wrong, my mom isn't some super woman. She can be horrible because of her imbalance from all the cancer killers she is on, but I know deep down somewhere is my mom, and her mother is the sweetest lady I have ever met in my life, so my mom can't be all that bad.
I have decided to put an end to high school relationships. I say that but watch, I'll fall for another in time. The reason I'd like to is because we're too young to understand such a beautiful thing, that is, if its all it's cracked up to be. We haven't experienced enough pain for such strength through wounding to occur. "'It's not until you've lost everything,' Tyler says,' That you're free to do anything.'"(Fight Club) I don't see how some sixteen year old abercrombie drag queen can understand the complextities of the human mind, especially when that dreadful word "love" is tossed around. It's seems as though we're playing a game of hot potatoe if you ask me.
With that said, I think I will go read another book. I like reading.
Oh my.. here are some pictures to decorate this empty journal.
The asian eats a sword, oh my!
I'm Stevie Wonder!
And I am wearing a shirt with a fuzzy duck?
grant is a fairy!
Our new drummer is fabulous
I look scary!
My cousin and I like star wars muahahahahaha
......that is all.
Current Music: Modest Mouse - Lives
Long awaited infidelities
So its been a year since my last update hmm. Well my life has taken a dramatic turn. I've recieved my first broken heart, been to the hospital, planning a trip to europe, and I am now a junior in high school. There's much more to cry over but I will not bore myself or anyone who reads this with the gorey details. Here are somethings I wrote... :
The winter air wraps it's cold claws around me like those dismal hands to my neck, and it feels as though I'm dressing up only to be tossed away like the christmas tree. The gold star will shatter, the needles wither. The alcohol in your breath forboding,"happy holidays" Such a beautiful story in the hands of comercial enthusiasts, pretty bows replaced the poetic celebration. And of course, you drank too much and decided to take those mountain passes. Trees froze in confusion, the roads glued in their own confession. We slid off the road, soaring above the ice enchantment of rocks below. You can only fly for so long, so we tumbled down while our screams were drowned out by "dream on" Your aura died that evening, your december suicide still plays in my mind.
Light cascading shadows upoun the crowded floor, you always left me in a mess of meaningless confusion. Though my mind plotted out escape routes and alternative plans, we knew you had already destroyed whatever it was that held us together for so long. I'll come to find your faze frozen beside mine with that patheticaly perfect grin as my organs grind and my hands bury the remains as if it would ease my insanity. And though I feel as if you chose the tiger, I'd fall for it all over again. (this one is incomplete but since I realized I was writing about Kyle I told myself to forget it because it's pathetic to dwell on something as immature as a high school romance, even if it lasted for over a year)
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Death to an Interior Decorator
28th November 2003
Why Am I Fighting To Live When I'm Just Living To Fight?
the floor caved in :
the sky has fallen
and i float here forever
teh stars are all out of reach
its hard to breathe
for this dwelling has no air
time has been swallowed
into this mouth of defeat
inhale the fumes
feel the white dusk
bleeding to insanity
this goregous day
vast fields of emptiness
no one stands upon
these creaking floorboards
yet they still cry out
into the maddness of tonight
your beholder is long lost
into a hard shade of white
it rains crimson fear
the wind breathes down your spine
arsenic killing you slowly
a thousand observant eyes
buried in time
what a charming,
^ramblings from my notebook that i wrote a few months back when i lived with my mom. i hated that place. i hated life. i am happier but what is happiness?
2nd November 2003
dancing on the corpses ashes
i could take a knife to my skin and spill my guts to you but it'd be quite a mess to leave you in. but it would be just fabulous to dance on my ashes. bitter remains, then lay it under churned dirt and mourn the burial site. you could set roses on my tombstone and talk to me when deep down you know i can't hear you. it just helps you accept the fact i'm gone for good. but it'd leave you crying and my world would collapse.
22nd October 2003
id have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet
foriegn faces telling you teh same old stories, my only friends are ghosts and they're packing their bags. i cant tell if thus empty sound is the beating of my useless heart, or the footsteps of a killer creeping behind me in the darkness...shadows are talking to me...speaking inarticulately like meaningless sounds put together to form an incoherent cry. nothign every truly changes, the flaws just sink deeper into your bones. it sinks in undetected, later to last out when you least expect and annihilate your existance. :
deafening silence piercing my ears, seconds freezing to prolong my solitutde. there seems to be a mob of poltergiests debating my fate; living in my shadow. echoes of screaming and cruel thoughts, familiar smells scorching my lungs. my health seems to sink deeper into fatality, how many more days?
my ramblings. enjoy *lesley*
16th September 2003
she's awfully goregous :
and you fall for her
your sanity tumbling with you
i found you in pieces
you said ive fixed you
but once something is broken
it'll never be the same
nothing fully heals
you cant throw her away
you can never let go
but im trying to make it better still
because you walked in when i fell apart
and im as close to perfect
as a freak like me will ever be
15th September 2003
i cut myself today, but thankfully it was on accident. i have stopped my self mutalation issues for about 4 months. thats good. i havent over dosed either. i have more reason to live now. im loved.
14th September 2003
its the crushing of autumn leaves drowning out the sound of the breaking of our hearts. everyone is gasping in their mirrors, while their broken mirrors slice my skin. theres a ghost holding my hand, whispering in my ear. warning me this is the last, the conclusion and the solution. i can't breathe in the sunlight without it suffocating me. a flood of orange, bathing in red, i fall to ashes. ashes that feed the wind as it keeps your lungs pumping. ashes that poison your body and guide you to a world of fatality.
im going to use this journal to put some of my writings and ramblings on it. i have a dead journal, : http://www.deadjournal.com/users/iheartmyguitar
but a lot of people read that and i dont want a lot of people that know me to read these ramblings of mine. no one really gets me and they never will, no one will ever truly understand another person though. its just how it works. mystery helps the world go round, but it also helps tear it down. im going to try and set up an intresting look now.
Current Music: cursive-the lament of pretty baby