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you're gay    10:01pm 06/06/2004   if you still read this & post comments... you are gay. Totally gay. Take your gay ass to www.livejournal.com/users/loislameee. Alright douchebag? good.        Read 1 - Post   & I'm oblivious can't you tell    12:22pm 06/04/2004   Wow. I only write in this when there is absolutely nothing better to do. Saturday was great. I spent it with my sexual lover, Melissa. What fun we had. I think I kept my junk in my pants, but you never know. Fo sho'. Um. Spring Break is so soon. I cannot wait until today is over so I can sleep. I do not miss blurty because it's socially inferior to Live Journal. Plus, most idiots use blurty. We all know that the new, indie thing is to have a live journal. Dur. Anyhow. Ben Kweller. Next monday. What what?! <3, Annie        Read 2 - Post   & I'm oblivious can't you tell    12:22pm 06/04/2004   Wow. I only write in this when there is absolutely nothing better to do. Saturday was great. I spent it with my sexual lover, Melissa. What fun we had. I think I kept my junk in my pants, but you never know. Fo sho'. Um. Spring Break is so soon. I cannot wait until today is over so I can sleep. I do not miss blurty because it's socially inferior to Live Journal. Plus, most idiots use blurty. We all know that the new, indie thing is to have a live journal. Dur. Anyhow. Ben Kweller. Next monday. What what?! <3, Annie Rita McCoy says something about "Blue Monday". & she says "By Orgy" & I says, "bitch, NO, i think you mean joy division (or new order, take or leave a few... right?) & she's like.. oh. Yeah, it nearly happened like that.        Read 1 - Post   to Nicole    10:20pm 20/03/2004   I know that you're pissed at me. Without reason. & I don't need you to be. Cause I don't care at all. But just to let you know, I could be "beat as shit" & what not, & I could be a "Cum Dumpster" (I was going through a really hard time in my life and I'm going to ask you to not make me hurt more over it) but that's your vision. I don't want you kids to miss me. I've reached euphoria & nirvana & all that shit & I hope you respect me enough to leave me alone. And I truly hope you're all happy & that you don't have to miss me cause we weren't ever that close. I'm really not trying to be arrogant and rub your nose in shit, but I really... I'm over it and I want you to be, too. Because I don't needed added crap to deal with. I'm not cool with you. But I'm cool with not being cool with you. So please leave this alone? Alright. Thanks. ANNIE "I like teasing boys. I like teashing girls. I like to get so drunk that I can't fucking walk. If they betrayed me, why won't they betray you." - The Von Bondies Yeah, that is supposed to resemble something, but don't take it too much to heart because I'm not trying to be backhanded. At all.        Read 1 - Post   Oh well.    12:59pm 09/03/2004   Oh well. I'm getting sick of my "live" journal, already. I need some amusement. I'm a step away from working at Susans. The ice cream store. In Springfield. Great. More reasons to hate myself. Now, I've one. Yes. One. Well, goodbye sluts. I hate all of you. <3, Lux        Post   Bye Fuckrags.    08:05pm 24/02/2004   MMM. I'm to scene to have a blurty. I've moved. www.livejournal.com/users/loislameee Have fun. Live journal is better... it is. Cause EY is on it. <3, IE ps. RIP blurty, I won't miss you. Cause I'm better than everyone like that. And I look like I'm related to Ed Taylor.        Post   JUST WAIT & YOU'LL SEE    01:38pm 08/02/2004   to all of those i spoke to last night, to every single person who i disrupted in the course of their night and demanded written consent from their parents that they (i think this happened to three people) marry me, i'm very sorry. i'm sorry to those who spoke to me after midnight last night. or before? i'm sorry to every single person whose name was mentioned in the "people who i love" thing previously. obviously, i don't love them on that same floor of love that is reserved for matt alone. it was just that petulant drunk side of myself that makes everything lackluster and complicated. so, yes, sorry very much so for being a big voracious drunk bitch. and for everyone thinking that i'm some big misspelling idiot. by all rights, i should delete the previous entry but i'm not going to deny that it happened. okay, on a lighter note- i really like hidden in plain view. and. i won't drink ever again. because i let matt down, and even though he unconditionally forgives me and only cares about my well being and didn't even say 'fuck you, you idiot, go drinking at some nineteen year old pedophile's house (sorry keith, it's true) and put yourself in such danger... it's over.' that's because me and my darling keep love alive, even on texas time. umm. on the kweller note, i'm sorry mike. if you really aren't talking to me, then i don't know what to say. you knew that i was drunk and i know i said inappropriate things but i meant them in the nicest way. <333 Annie. Leave condolences for my former straight edge (former FORMER straight edge. you know, anything before fifteen years old doesn't count) self as potings, and all flowers in lieu of donation to the Matt's car fund... Yeah, that would be badass if something like a driving fund for matt came out of my disgusting night of roadside nudity and drinking. the roadside nudity is a rumor though. i doubt i flashed a bunch of cars on west chester pike. i think keith just said that to piss me off. yeah, he is a pedophile. sorry. again. yeah.        Read 1 - Post   cuz im drunk and hate you.    02:37am 08/02/2004   thats the reason why im writing. now down to business. if you are a boy you shoudl not be reading this because you are lame and: a) do not love me b9 choose not to love me or c).do not want to be near em because i am ugly and fat and etcetera. so yeahh. fuck that. and you. alright. um. so tonight.. sucked. first i talked to devin for a long while and she's impossibly great. and smart. and i wanna be her best friend cause she's fucking literate. and then i think about crosby and still love him cause im stupid adn drunk so its ok to say it but tomorrow ill deny it. and so ontop of all that. i'm bothering people. like mike. not the movie. mike short. he doesnt wanna marry me. and melissastrying to make me feel better buts not working cuz im gonna defintely die alone. i'm sure. ok. nevermind. sean will be with me. lux theASSASSIN: sean ami gonan diea lone? NINNJJAAA: no way NINNJJAAA: ill be with you lux theASSASSIN: thank you sean. lux theASSASSIN: cause ill be with you too. so hah. fuck all of you. im going to bed and you can too but i hate lal of you cause youre all lame and shit and i dont need to die alone. so hah. oh yeah mike shor t something better be wrong with your computer or your ignorking me and in that case you can suck my cock. you fck rag. cause i love you. :( :( :( people (boys) that i love that aren't matt. - crosby - rob - mike short - chris kennedy - mr. ohara ok that mr ohara part was a lie cause hes got fur. butt matt knwos tha my heart tries to be way faithful but that i was hurt by lots of boys and hve the capacity to love many. okay. im off to keitsh house. pshaw. fuck you. ANNIE ps if i die forward all of my belongings to diane keaton cuz i lov eher. goodnight and perhaps godbye.        Post   Hey, Big Brother. You cunt.    08:43pm 07/02/2004   I believe in a thing called love just listen to the rhythm of my heart <3 We've had the same vision all along. Nice profile. Really. It's comforting. LUX        Post   say hello to the ground.    06:30pm 05/02/2004   This is monumental. This is groundshaking. This is the midpoint of point A and B. This is the reason I don't trust you when you whisper "i love you" in my ear. Crosby. I'm ready. It's been maybe a year since him and I have stopped talking. And I don't think about him anymore, but when I do it's a painful mix of feelings I don't want to feel. But I guess it'll be thearpeutic for me to write about it, and maybe then I get to a point that I'm willing to freely speak about it, a scar in the past. When you have a scar and you touch the skin, the skin feels different, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I want a scar instead of an open gaping wound. No one's ever gotten this full story because it hurts a lot. Because I was extremely naive then. And in love, too, I guess. I met Crosby before I was in high school. It was the summer before ninth grade. We were in a one week summer camp at West Chester College together. His poetry was beautiful. I was with Rob then, but the way that I looked at Crosby wasn't kosher. We exchanged screen names and phone numbers and I wrote a poem about him to perform our final day at the camp, which was an open house, if you will. The only knick in the whole deal is that Crosby was with a longtime girlfriend he called Devin and I was with Rob. But night after night when Rob and I would brawl about what shape the sun was and what shade of toilet paper is most complimentary to ones ass, I would get online and talk all night to Crosby who would make me feel beautiful and smart. But he'd make me beg. He'd stop in the middle of a conversation and say, 'No. I can't talk to you anymore. I love you too much. I can't talk to you if I'm with Devin.' It was his game. I should have respected that relationship and said, "Fine, Crosby, you're right. You be with your girlfriend, I'll be with Rob." In fact, sometimes I wouldn't even put it over him that he had the best intention. He'd say, "You have a boyfriend-- love HIM." And then we'd talk all night and prove our preacher voices wrong. Another thing is that he'd make me send pictures of myself on my internet camera-thing to him. At first it was nice because he'd say I was pretty and then I'd feel good for about 25 more seconds until I realized he wasn't with me, he was with Devin, a faraway figure I hadn't seen with brown curly hair and probably the sweetest voice. So it became a competition. I was his internet girlfriend, a parallel universe of loving him wholly but being beaten out every day by the physicalities of Devin, who existed- and I, who didn't, could only but weap a single tear and continue with my actual affairs. So, Crosby's requests became stronger. He wanted me to "share my body" with him. (Yes, he actually said things like that, and even though I was fully aware that he only wanted to see tits and ass, I read it differently because I loved him) So, I went as far as I could without compromising my morals. And he rejected me because I wouldn't. Because I didn't love him enough. In our last stint, the last time we spoke, I refused once again to send him naked pictures and he said that he loved me, that someday we'd be together- and someday I'd change my mind. Someday this week. And for the next two days, I was blinded by his words. I was in love and he'd find a way to be with me. That was all that I heard. Unfortunately. My friends remember that day. And the day after. He said to me, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea about us. I don't love you. I love Devin." And I was broken. And ashamed. Because I became Jenna the Webcam Whore for a boy. For a boy who I had deluded to the image of perfection. There were a series of harsh IMs from his delusional girlfriend who said that it was Crosby's defense mechanism and that I was obviously her back-up. I didn't tell her that I thought she was a fucking bitch because she was as clearly delusional as I. And there were days that I wept loud and audibly. Maybe it wasn't even Crosby anymore. Maybe then it was more that I couldn't trust the lips that were kissing me and telling me it was okay. It's about two years since I met Crosby. And I'm stronger now than I was then. I'm getting to the point where I see boys the way they are, minus the super powers I used to attribute to a dick and sack. I'm seeing Matt clearly, as my true resolve-- the love that I've always and never known. It's almost been a year. And you can tell now who we are. The way our bodies fit together, the way our shoes sit next to each other- his Etnies threaten my Mary Janes, the way he laughs when it's only me and him, the way I feel lonely every afternoon at work, the way he feels stupid when he's by himself, the way we finish each others sentences in that totally unpretentious and beautiful form. He's my second half. He's my whole self. Thou art thouself with out thy Matthew! Or something. What I'm saying is, Jack, I used to be lost, too. It isn't a matter of finding someone to finish you. First you need to finish yourself. I didn't believe my mom when she said "first you need to love you before you can love someone else", but it's true. I believe in you. And I know you'll find it. Because I did. And I know that we've had the same vision all along. Annie        Read 3 - Post   falling.    06:40pm 03/02/2004   MEMORANDUM. - i'm an asshole. i feel awful. i'm sorry. - ben kweller isn't improving my mood. - the following people are pissed at me: rj, joe, probably rossi, therefore trevor, brittany, everyone else on the face of this god green earth and jack murray and his emo thing. - god, i'm still a bitch. (this isn't about you, i assure you. this is about someone who knows who they are and that's why i don't need a stupid name to let everyone in on it) Alright. So let's start this with an anonymous rant. Way to go, I thought we were friends and we're obviously not. you make the biggest point of going for the most mundane thing ever and then straddle it because that's what you do. don't ever pretend you share my vision ever again. because it's not that way. you're just another cult-film-watching drone whose shaped like any random person's finger print. it's okay to be influenced but you are just a mass of everyone else's influences. and that's fucking lame. and i guess i remember shame clearly. i remember it spreading across my face the day after. the day before i was glee-covered to say the least. everyone remembers that day. the day annie found love in crosby. and i walked around the next day pretending not to notice that all he wanted me to do was get naked. and i walked around so openly naive. and letting him do that. and i still can't articulate it. because i'm shame covered. still. and that was almost a year ago. and everyone saw my smiling face because crosby loved ME. well fuck articulacy because i wanted him and didn't care what the reprecussions were. i'll take a shadow of you anyday. and then he says "no. you took it too far. i can never be with you. i love devin. not you." and i'm still torn. and we haven't spoken since i pleaded him to give me another chance. and he didn't. and now i still wonder if he talked to me again what i'd say. sometimes i welcome the glee he instilled in me. and sometimes i know the greatest thing i could ever write would be about him and how he made me lose my faith in everything but i can't because i'm still a fucking pussy who won't admit that rob said to her on the phone " i guess i just don't love you as much." or that i'm wrong about things and that i shouldn't have hurt rj and that i'm just generally a bad person. and now i want to die and fuck punctuation. i'm a fucking tease, loser, bitch & there isn't a damned thing i can say edgewise. fuck me. i'm sorry.        Post   I work at cuntcoast    12:03am 02/02/2004   I'll probably be fired. Whatever. And me and Mike Short have been dating for one whole day. SOOO YAY MIKEY!!! <333 annie        Read 1 - Post   the anticlimatic orgasm    06:29pm 29/01/2004   if x equals one and one equals chill and y equals ten and ten equals fucking paranoid to the max, then i woke up today at a ten grieving the loss of my sanity. we had a rather productive band practice. i cracked a little but my stress level makes all of that accountable. i finished "tribulation force" & might as well have got a's on those stupid fucking tests. whatever. so the point of all of this is my cuntfather called the cuntschool & paid them so i can stay in school (woosh! goes the stress level in a downward slope) & he's also created an in-house recording studio. what the fuck? who does that? except for my father. so lux will be recording a demo in july. and if you're in one of those shitty local bands & actually have the gaul to say to me "awesome, could your dad let us record at his." I'll say FUCK YOU, GIVE ME A FUCKING BOX OF CHOCOLATES & MAYBE I'LL CONSIDER IT YOU CUNT." I'm hysterical. To reiterate this: today Sister sljkaskldfj was proctering my Freedom Test (french, yeah) and there were kids running down the hallway and she pretty much said "what the fuck" and I was like "sister- don't fret my love, it's the track exam." I would have had her in stitches if she had a well.. soul. Anyhow... school was lame but i'm all unstressed which is grand for the show. And yeah. Otherwise. I'm about to go into my reservoir of prose and leave you with the fact that my health is... well, questionable but go to my showww yeah. There is a girl down the street that I knew and I remember her only vaguely as a structure of a face, a barrage of raven hair and knobby knees. I remember clearly that she dated Vinnie Peterelli, who lived on the opposite side of town, the place where my mother made me lock our doors and roll up our windows, always averting our eyes and making the most positive comments that we could, like, "well, I never! A house without windows! And it looks perfectly fine! What do they call it in Hollywood? Minimalism? Well, I guess that it's still in." And Vinnie Peterelli was not like many other kids. In fact, Vinnie Peterelli was going on seventeen in the eighth grade. There wasn't anything wrong with Vinnie. Merely that he didn't apply himself. People later said that Vinnie stayed behind so many grades just so he could have sat behind Gina Park in homeroom. Gina Park, in the eighth grade, morphed in ways that none of us other girls did. She went in there and out there and glowed there and was finely combed, glossed, waxed and flossed... and the rest of us just were, experimentally smoking cigarettes, hiding in the funnel slide of the playground on Friday nights with our first boyfriends who never dared second base. When Gina turned around one day to ask Vinnie to borrow a pencil to forge a signature, her eyes went blurry. It was love at first sight. It was something about him. After carefully articulating her thank-you's for his pencil she turned around a changed girl. We stopped paying attention to Gina as we, too, developed, and as our boyfriends became bolder and braver and bra-endeavoring. I guess time slipped us so when we heard the news that Gina Park was pregnant, the pretty girl who lived down the street from me, who I made a vague attempt at saying hello to when I passed her by on the street sometimes, we all sort of gaped at each other. Gina Park was pregnant with Vinnie Peterelli's child. She was already three months along and carried herself as if the baby was two years overdue. My mother spoke to Lori's mother who spoke to Gina's aunt who was, obviously very close with Gina's mother- who was tight lipped about the entire situation to say the least. But the dark circles around her eyes made the testament to exactly what was going on in her life. And I was only in ninth grade then but I sat down and I thought things through and I realized that Gina would always be Vinnie's girl, never progressing from that eighth grade mentality of "boys only like girls who". and i grew up and dated many boys and found Himself who set himself apart amongst it all, and i see girls like Gina all over and I grimace realizing that in hindsight that-could-be-me. That danger of what if. Every girl with a baby in tow on any subway headed to the part of town where my nervous mother rolls up the windows and finds completmentary aspects to state aloud, that girl reminds me of Gina. Realization came to me as I leafed through my old diaries filled with poems laced with apathy and lust-- I came to the realization that there is a god and he is mercifully because somewhere at sometime adolescence ends. Well it did for me. But it never did for Gina. Because she was always going to be Vinnie's girl with Vinnie's baby in Vinnie's no where life. that is the most realistic rendition of romeo & juliet in our day.        Read 2 - Post   FORCED HUMOR(&adozenroses)    10:56pm 28/01/2004   shoot me in between the eyes, please. because life is : unbearable, unbelievable & incestuous. well. not ncessarily incestuous. but i suppose we can all imagine how controversial that would be. it would be almost as if i were dating a boy in a band & had no identity except his. girls. how lameeeeee. (read_this_clearly_cause_you_know_who_you_are[dotcom]) um. so. yes. crosby. ew. god i feel dumb & used. i was reading long-time-ago emails & was like. what.the.fuck. i LOVED him & he loved my tits. & what did i do many a month ago in this lonesome journal. speak of mr. crosby wilson, taker & breaker of ms. rigles heart. well fuck.that. because.. i was dumb. let that stupid-haired-Devin have him. & when i sing friday night i'm going to sing so loud & hard because he broke me. & rob broke me. & i have no reason anymore because matt is keeping me together. & i'm not a bunch of broken pieces, i'm a bunch of stronger parts fighting against reason to be ANNIE not boudy's girlfriend. i'm not & i am. but i'm me. so fuck you for otherwising me. speaking of broken. i hope kate gives chris syphillys just because he fucking deserves it. & yeah. suncoast is lame.        Post   the inconsistencies of my moods    12:07am 27/01/2004   Well. It's been a motherfucking year. So. Yes. An entry. FIRST & kindof most importantly. LUX's debut show a la Springfield High School. January 30th. $3. We're playing Seven sharp. <333 be there. Alright. SO now for the actual shit. Life has been suckass. We had a snowday today. And instead of studying... I was out with Matthew whom I love. We made photocopies. Very fucking expensive ones. I was all down&out feeling friendless & then i spoke to patrik short flipp & i feel rad about myself. cause he's a rad sorta kid. i love him. ummmm. the other night matthew and i fought.. lame. uber lame. i love him too much to fight with him. it went something like this. we were supposed to go out during the day. he rang me at 5ish and was going out with his brother. i was like, lame. leave me alone. holler at me when you're done be a bitchface. ..that was dumb of me cause..yeshilovehim. after that? he rang later and i was like || erms-fuckno. i'm studying. he picked me up anyhow and we had a big fight. i was crying really hard & so was he. and he says "i'd take a bullet for you. i love you so much. you don't even know i t! you don't even KNOW it!" and i guess i didn't. because it hit me like a sack of bricks in the face and i said. oh my god. so we embraced hard, with hot wet big tears all over our faces and held each other so close that neither of us could hardly breathe and i've never felt so close to harmony in this life. it was mere perfection within my arms. i was embracing all that is beautiful. i am the lover of uncontained & immortal beauty. i am. yeah. so i'm listening to tbs. whatever. i appreciate that they suck. but this is a good cd, i suppose. in the longterm they suck the bird & their trucker-hat-wearing-fans should be shot up the vagina with anti-poser serum. ooers! SOUTHPARK poseur references are hot. and tla videos is not so hot. cause my employee discount at sunfuckcoast is better than their prices. lameasfuck. i should sleep? no. why would i do that. i'd rather write a long lame entry about my dumb lame life. lois lane? no. lois lame. what an assfuck i am! alright.alright.alright. i'm going to retire to the nightplace where i wrap myself in dreams of matthew, immersed in the endless infinities of his arms. and i guess that exboyfriendhatred is inevitable- but with the alternative romping in the woods with an unknown and holding on to someone that utters forever in the nonobligatory, sexy, i love you so much more than anyone else has & would take a bullet for your stingy ass way. matt knows what i'm talking about& even if he's the only one.. yes. matthew. you're the only one. I love you. merry eleven months if i donut write then. wish me motherfucking luck. i'm sick of writing every song uhbout yew. <3 IMITATION IS SUICIDE. -emerson        Read 6 - Post   The Room's Too Cold    12:21am 15/01/2004   - I talk too much and the room is too cold. "I am the lover of uncontained and immortal beauty." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. Love, Annie P.S. SOMEONE READ "LEFT BEHIND"!        Read 3 - Post   there is a light that never goes out.    04:37am 04/01/2004   this isn't kid shit anymore. so don't sit around and speak to me the way you do. we're both involved and it's hard to say who's going to get hurt more. if you're reading this than you know who it's to. anne        Post   The Adventures of Annie and Her Superego.    01:30am 04/01/2004   The last few days have been a marvelous, phantasmagorical adventure between the realms of my ego, superego and id. Dramatic encounters gone awry. Oh lord! I had a panic attack on the stairs. I alienated close friends. I worked 2 extra hours. And I ate dorritos. Life has a funny way of working itself out. A day ago I assumed I'd die on my sofa alone. Today is Matt and my ten month anniversary and we're going to order food in and watch a popular Sean Connery movie and live. How odd. How fucking ironic. Every day is twelve. Every year is twenty. I'll die before I'm 22 at this rate. Relieved and fulfilled, sated but shortly. <33lux. Dream Song Number 22. I am the little man who smokes and smokes. I am the girl who does know better but. I am the king of the poo. I am so wise I had my mouth sewn shut. I am a government official & a goddamned fool. I am a lady who takes a joke. I am the enemy of the mind. I am the auto salesman and love you. I am a teenage cancer, with a plan. I am the blackt-out man. I am the woman powerful as a zoo. I am two eyes screwed to my set, whose blind- It is the fourth of July. Collect: while the dying man, forgone by you creator, who forgives is gasping "Thomas Jefferson still lives" in vain, in vain, in vain. I am Henry Pussy-cat! My whiskers fly. -- John Berryman. <3333happy ten boudy. Pee-ehs. to the girl named lux, that is awesome that your name is lux. I pretend mine is because of the character from the virgin suicides whom I am obsessed with. Read the book by Jefferey Euginides. And thank you.        Read 1 - Post   GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA.    02:55pm 02/01/2004   FUCK BLURTY. FUCK EVERYONE. to every single person who i used to love, i hate. to every single person i used to see, i'm blind. It's time for a change of pace. It's time for closed doors and open wounds. It's time for me to shut the fuck up and stop hurting so bad. This is overrated bullshit and so are you, sitting at your warm PC's calling it love. Do you ever want to gouge your eyeballs out because what a fucking fake you are. Do you ever want to pull the plug on your life support and leave forever because nothing fucking matters. Do you ever realize that your not "contempt" or "content" and that you really, truly hate yourself. Because we use the ones we love. You are another insignificent foothold on someone else's way up. I am my own insignificent foothold on the way to rock bottom. Sing me a song. Play me a violin. Cry me a fucking river. lux "Every day that you see me is the worst day of my life."        Post   but baby, you've got me all wrong.    06:52pm 30/12/2003   Well. Today was interesting. Alright. Today wasn't worth a fucking entry. Here. Bulleted notes. - Dyed my hair. - Really fucking expensive. - In debt. - went to the hooples - band practice. - everyone hates me. - mm. mott and lux silent-kissing. heh. - medley music. bongos. yum. - Transformers DVD from mall. - Sexiness. - 301 days!! mott&lux. welp. adieu. <33, annie        Read 1 - Post

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